Notes:

I'm planning this as mostly Charly's (and partly Wilhelm's) survival/getting-together story in the form of series of episodes. The narrative is not straight (there will be a few flashbacks and flashforwards). Obviously, many references to the TV series, and elements of German and Russian socio-culture.

It's going to be somewhat different from my previous UMUV fic, so I'm a bit self-conscious about it, but I'm hoping you might still enjoy this new fic. Your feedback (both Kudos and Booes) is most welcome.

Dictionary Entry 1: Sovest' – das Gewissen - conscience, shame, moral sense of responsibility for one's actions

In the end you don't so much find yourself

as you find someone who knows who you are.

Robert Brault

Lying on the dusty floor in the former doctor Jahn's office among the scattered folders and papers, Charlotte Weiss – Charly as Wilhelm once used to call her, and his voice was then soft and brimming with quiet joy as if her name was some magic spell straight out of childhood fairy tales – thinks that her name must be a terrible mistake[1]. Somehow she does not feel white and pure at all. All inside her is the color of dull dusty grey and brownish-green – the color of hospital bed sheets and curtains. The color of the Russian soldiers' uniforms. The color of swamps and mud by the hospital porch where once trucks and military tents stood. Charly does not believe she will ever be able to see the world in bright colors again. It seems to her that from now on everything will be greenish-grey and dark-brownish red.

„Die haben mich gefragt, was nach dem Dritten Reich kommt. Nichts mehr."[2]

It cannot be happening to her. She is hardly supposed to be here, is she? She has always tried to do what is right. The best grades at school. One of the most active members of Bund Deutcher Mädel[3]. Ex-Mädelscharführerin[4]. One of the most dedicated nurses. Never to shrink away from hard work – not Krankenschwester[5] Charlotte.

It is Hildegard who could slip away from duty when the headnurse and doctor Jahn were not around Her smooth round face and insolent dark eyes. Smirking slightly. Some recovering warrior's hand discreetly sliding along her back.

Those same dark eyes getting angry, rebellious, and fearful. Searching intently for something in Charly's face. Searching and not finding.

"Wenn wir den Krieg verlieren, kannst du dich vorstellen was sie werden mit uns machen?"[6]

Hildegard is a little ferret or a squirrel in the trap. Biting and scratching because she is scared. Since the very beginning. Since the very first soldier dying in her trained and yet so helpless arms. The fact that this strange Charlotte does not seem to be afraid – flirting with doctor Jahn (the old fool!), fussing with this ugly Russian girl, diligently learning her Russian, (silly bitch, does she think learning the enemy's language will save her or what?) - makes Hildegard envious and even more mad with fear.

Hildegard believes that she performs her duty when spying on Charlotte and meticulously jotting down her many crimes. Stealing out of doctor Jahn's office – all flustered and rosy-cheeked – and fixing her garters. Pouring acid onto the soldier's wound so as to postpone his not so gallant death on the battlefield by a few more weeks. Hildegard thinks Charlotte deserves punishment for undermining military morale. What Hildegard will never admit though is that she would have given anything to have this goody-goody's ability to always find the light – even in the darkest darkness.

Charly has been taught that bad things cannot happen to good girls. Is she bad then? Is Hildegard bad? What about Sonja?

"Sie sind Sklaven. Die Herren machen mit ihnen was sie wollen. Kaufen. Verkaufen. Wir unsere eigenen Leute behandelen so schlecht."

"Ja. Das können wir Deutchen auch."[7]

This little Russian girl with her scarred face. Doomed, resigned, no longer afraid. The little slave of the embittered nurses such as Hildegard in the German hospital. The little puppet left behind when no longer needed.

Russian soldiers call Sonja a traitress and shoot her at the back yard for nursing the enemy soldiers. Hildegard thinks Charlotte a traitress for trying to win over their very own German soldiers' lives. Wilhelm is branded a traitor and sent to the penal battalion because he has gotten sick and tired of killing Russians and no longer wants to lead his subordinates into the lost battle… The list of culprits is never-ending. Sometimes Charly simply wants to scream. What's the matter with all of them? When has staying alive become a treachery? When has wanting to save people's lives become a crime?

Charly raises herself on her elbow – her once white apron crinkled and torn, her face smeared with tears and dirt, her hair disheveled. The tender insides of her thighs bruised and burning. Her eyes burning from the light streaming through the window panels. Her heart burning from the injustice and fruitlessness of all her efforts. Who is she now? The once brave ex-Bund Deutcher Mädel shaking and hiccupping – waiting here, curled on the cold dusty floor, for the Russians to come and blow her brains out. The lover who has betrayed her heart twice – first, when she believed that Wilhelm was dead and turned to doctor Jahn, and second time, when she refused Wilhelm his right to live because it pained her too much – to hope again and lose all hope. The good girl who let her patients and her helpless subordinate be shot in front of her eyes. The nurse who cannot help even herself.

When does Charly first notice that the right and wrong have reversed?

"Syestra, pomogite mne[8]."

"We don't even have enough morphine for our own men. Turn on the radio, Schwester Charlotte."

Tired understanding and strict order in doctor Jahn's eyes. The singer's vaguely familiar voice gently cradling her kleines Herz's pain. As the Russian soldier's eyes glaze over, Charly absent-mindedly washes her hands and does not even realize it is her old friend Greta singing on the radio.

The look in doctor Jahn's eyes is similar to the look Lilja gives Charlotte as the SS soldiers lead her away. It's not your fault, and not mine either, the Russian-Jewish doctor in disguise seems to say with her eyes only. We both have done what we think is right. Yet, this quiet understanding somehow hurts Charly more than any open accusation could.

"Warum helfen Sie uns? Den Gegnern?"

„Ich helfe Menschen. Das machen Sie auch, oder?"[9]

Menschen. The word is the key for the lock. For yet three more years, it keeps her going. Schwester Charlotte makes herself function not because it is right or wrong but because it is people she is doing this for. People have to survive. It is her job to help them by any means possible. The rest does not matter.

That is why when doctor Jahn offers Charlotte the pass that can magically take her away from this living hell of bloody bandages, dying soldiers, and recovering soldiers who are taken back to the forefront – from this 24/7 transporter of cannon fodder whose only purpose seems to be turning the almost dead people into the living dead – bring her into the relatively safe heaven, all she says is.

"I'm supposed to turn my back on all of you here?"

…and that is why when the army tracks roar echoing the distant sound of explosions – both outvoiced by the radio loudspeaker – "Unsere Soldaten… kein Pardon…"[10], and that same doctor Jahn leaves the patient on the surgical table with the wound cut wide open, and Hildegard rushes to the exit – her hands still bloody and her eyes wild, Schwester Charlotte violently pulls out the radio cord and runs for the little scar-faced and scar-souled Russian nurse…

… and that is why now, in the bright morning-light, when the door to doctor Jahn's former office finally bangs open, and the Russian-Jewish female officer casually places the Russian military uniform on the desk, Charlotte does not leap at her chance. Instead, her grey-blue eyes – bewildered, questioning, and yet clear – lock with Lilja's dark, coldly righteous, and yet forgiving stare.

"Zachem ty eto delayesh'?"

"Inache eto nikogda ne zakonchitsa."[11]

When alone in the office, Charly slowly touches the rough sleeve of her new nurse uniform. The color of greyish-brownish-green. It suddenly occurs to her that this is hardly the color of swamps and decay. More like the stubbles of new grass barely peeking through the mud in the spring field.

[1] Weiss = white (German)

[2] They asked me what comes after the Third Reich. Nothing (words from the movie – here and further on italisized)

[3] League of German Girls or BDM (female branch of the Hitler youth)

[4] Mädelscharführerin – the head of the four squads of BDM (each consisting of 10 girls)

[5] nurse

[6] When we lose this war, can you imagine what they will do to us?

[7] - They are slaves. The masters do with what they want. They sell them. We treat our own people so badly.

- Yes, we Germans can do so as well.

[8] Nurse, help me

[9]- Why are you helping us? The enemy?

- I help people. That's what you do too, don't you?

[10] Our soldiers… no mercy…

[11] - Why are you doing this?

- Otherwise, it will never be over.