God of Paperwork

by the infamous and notorious tocasia

AU, Sephiroth and Zack friendship, office pranks, humor, cute. I have several chapters planned.

started 5/12/2017

Chapter 1

The war is officially over. This deceptively calm office atmosphere is so different from the fires of Wutai. It is surreal.

General Sephiroth has found out that managing the army during peacetime is still a lot of work.

In addition to training SOLDIERS for combat readiness, Sephiroth attends meetings, dictates policy, and argues over budget proposals. When he's not on a mission of his own, he travels to Shinra military bases all over the Planet to inspect the troops and coordinate local displays of force. He requisitions gear, assigns missions, grants promotions, applies disciplinary action appropriately, and attends ceremonies to improve morale. He decides what's on this year's SOLDIER entrance exam. It is his duty to see to veteran affairs. He makes sure those who have served get the care they need, whether in the form of medical treatments or counseling or financial support.

That's a pretty impressive job description.

President Shinra wants him to keep the peace and maintain the people's faith in the Company. Don't let them forget Shinra's power, but foster goodwill rather than fear. Build our reputation as guardians of their safety. Keep them in line so the profits keep flowing.

With that goal in mind, he designs missions to exterminate monsters, provide humanitarian aid after natural disasters, and protect various experts as they build or repair infrastructure and perform basic research. Although of a much smaller scale than the vast battlefields Sephiroth had grown used to, these tasks still require his careful attention and management. He and Tseng work together to draft policies of interdepartmental cooperation, since security is now mostly taken care of by the Turks. SOLDIERS stand by as riot control when necessary.

He doesn't delegate as much as he could. He likes to know everything that goes on in his army.

The Great General Sephiroth has become a God of Paperwork.

Sephiroth has to check his office carefully in the morning when he arrives. The reason for his caution has a name: Zack Fair. As his second-in-command, Zack has most of the same clearances as he does. Keeping Zack out of his office is usually more trouble than it's worth.

For the past three months, Zack has taken it upon himself to make Sephiroth's life in the workplace more... interesting. It is in stark contrast to his professional attitude during the war. So far, Zack hasn't caused any scandals requiring Shinra's elite team of lawyers, nor has he overstepped his bounds enough to warrant punishment.

The constant pranks are frustrating because Sephiroth must not retaliate publicly. He is the perfect SOLDIER, setting the example of proper conduct for the entire army. It would not do for him to shatter that image of immaculate discipline and order.

Oh, but there are days when he dearly wants to!

Instead, he accepts the challenge to be discreet in his revenge.

His initial inspection reveals tape under the mouse again. The yellow post-it notes are missing. One of the chairs in the waiting room has been replaced with one from a different office that doesn't match. Pretty tame stuff. Sephiroth wonders if Zack is finally running out of ideas.

There's a board meeting in twenty minutes. He gathers his notes and sighs.

The meeting is nothing special.

Palmer spills his disgusting, lard-laden tea all over the table when he stands up to beg for funding.

Mayor Domino is largely ignored as he fumes quietly about not seeking re-election as a glorified librarian.

Scarlet has a new weapon design that she wants Sephiroth to test with (or was it on?) the trainees. He takes her suggestion under advisement, which is a more polite way of saying no.

Heidegger strongly believes that troops should not be withdrawn from Wutai. Sephiroth disagrees because he knows Wutai is thoroughly beaten (he did it himself) and needs a rebuilt economy rather than an occupation.

Hojo is absent, which is sort of a relief.

Reeve remains an idealist, proposing several plans to improve quality of life beneath the plate.

Tseng has nothing new to report.

President Shinra announces that he is pleased with the current state of affairs and tells them to carry on with business as usual. Meeting adjourned.

Later that morning, Zack gets a notice that the officer in charge, one Sergeant Alissa Roberts, has called in sick at the last minute and so is unavailable to supervise this extremely important training exercise. Zack has orders to take her place for the day. It is non-negotiable.

These things happen. It's not all that unusual for Zack to fill in when something comes up; as Sephiroth's second-in-command, he has the skills and experience to take care of most anything. Zack looks over the briefing. What's his random surprise mission today? Some basic regulation materia practice for an intermediate class against the common monsters southeast of Kalm. No problem! Way better than paperwork back at the office.

Zack arrives at the gates of Midgar; the transport ready to go. Sergeant Robert's squad is already waiting and they snap to attention as he approaches, although they seem apprehensive when they realize their regular instructor is nowhere to be seen.

"Sergeant Roberts is out sick today. Don't worry, it's nothing serious, she'll be fine. I'll be in charge of your training until she returns tomorrow."

The class salutes him, perhaps a little intimidated by his rank, and then they board the vehicle and start on their way.

The ride is relatively smooth as Zack explains the mission. "You will be working with materia today. Sergeant Roberts reports that you have been making good progress and has entrusted each of you with Fire, Ice, or Lightning materia." Here he pauses to let them appreciate the praise. "We are headed for the fields southeast of Kalm. There, you will split into teams of three. You will hunt down monsters to use as target practice for your spells. Each group will be given a med kit that also includes hypers to counteract the monsters' status attacks. Remember, use of hypers for non-curative reasons will result in disciplinary action. You are to report back to the transport with your team in good condition at 1800 hours. Understood?"

"Yes, sir!"

It doesn't take long to reach the destination. Zack reviews briefly how to use the materia, splits the squad up into groups, hands out the med kits, and sends the groups out into the field in different directions to hunt down and practice casting at the monsters.

Zack finds himself directly supervising Privates Alvarez and Elliot. He follows behind as they track their targets. So far they're quite competent. The first fight goes smoothly, and they confidently venture further from the transport. Unfortunately, after that, they start experiencing technical difficulties of the chocobo variety. Suddenly there is not a single encounter devoid of a frantic, wild, yellow bird.

It all happens so fast. Private Elliot's badly aimed Fire spell singes yellow feathers. The chocobo knocks Alvarez to the ground with a vicious kick. Zack tosses him a phoenix down. One of the monsters attacks, spraying Elliot with slimy blue goo. Yuck. Alvarez is back up and casts a Bolt that connects with a deafening crack. There is a terrifying series of warks as the chocobo flees. Elliot doesn't miss his next shot, and the last of the monsters crumples to the ground, dead. The fight is won, but the two Privates are too startled to strike their victory poses.

After that, neither of them needs to be told not to antagonize chocobos. Zack checks their injuries and they move on.

That's how the mission goes for Zack's team. Chocobos. Everywhere.

Alvarez and Elliot continue to improve their aim over the course of each battle, and also their ability to avoid chocobo-induced trauma. Eventually, they are able to cast their spells with such precision that they defeat the monsters while leaving the chocobo alone. Zack shows them how to catch the bird and they ride it triumphantly back to the transport.

Everyone reports back, relatively unhurt, all on time. The rest of the squad is clearly impressed at the sight of their comrades riding a chocobo. After they let the bird go free, Zack listens as the class shares stories of bravery and valor on the ride back to Midgar. Apparently, the other groups did not run into any chocobos at all. Elliot and Alvarez are talking excitedly about their adventure. They're doing a good job explaining what they've learned to their teammates. Overall, it's been a good day. Sergeant Roberts would be proud.

As they clean their gear and make sure everything is in order, Zack finally discovers the cause of his very hectic afternoon. Instead of the Preemptive materia he usually carries, there is a Chocobo Lure slotted into his bangle. What?

They arrive at the gates at sunset. Zack dismisses the squad and, exhausted and covered with feathers, heads up to his office to file the mission report before hopefully returning to his quarters and take a much anticipated shower.

Zack sits down at his desk and locates the form he needs. The yellow post-it notes he'd nabbed from Sephiroth's desk this morning are missing. No big deal. The General must have taken them back to his office.

Correction. He must have stuck them all over the floor under Zack's desk in a very well-executed chocobo pattern. One of the notes has something written on it:

'All's Fair in Love and Wark'

Dammit.

It takes all the responsibility he has left for the day, but Zack files the report properly.

Zack's office is adjacent to his own and sound carries through the wall, at least to SOLDIER senses. Sephiroth smiles as he hears Zack groan at the terrible pun. Victory. He wonders if Sergeant Roberts enjoyed her scheduled day off. He hopes so. She'll probably enjoy reading that mission report, too. He knows he will.