I've tried to add this to my story "Shades of Olivia" but it's not coming up for some reason and it's quite lengthy so I figured I'd just make a new "one shot" story for it.

I know everyone is waiting for me to update "Aftermath" and "Manifesting the Abundance of Life" but Fanfiction is kinda fucked up right now with it's notifications and stories, hence the chapter not even showing up in "Shades of Olivia"… So I'm trying to wait until it's fixed before I update my other stories. I thrive off reviews.

This takes place during season 11 episode 8 "Turmoil". To jog your memory, it's when Dickie and his friends Shane get into some trouble and Elliot loses his temper many times during the show. Cabot is being investigated by the board and some other shit went down too.

Also, this is by far my favorite chapter of any story that I've ever written!

Kathy was pissed at him.

He'd refused to let her file a missing person's report when the boys disappeared and Kathy had been mad. Eventually, the bank called him with a hit on Dickie's emergency credit card.

When Elliot and Olivia went to the school to interview a boy that Dickie had gotten into a fight with earlier that day, Elliot had lost it.

His anger had flared and he'd attacked the boy as soon as the boy had given Olivia lip.

Danny Proctor was the kid's name.

Olivia had walked up to him on the school grounds and told him that she hoped he was guzzling soda, even though she knew it was alcohol.

Danny had jumped right in her face saying, "I already have a mom, bitch." And Elliot was on him in no time. It was like the detective had been looking for a reason to beat someone up. His anger was radiating, begging to get out of his body.

Elliot picked Danny up by the front of his shirt and slammed him into the ground. Olivia had to pull Elliot off.

…

They discovered both Shane and Dickie had been talking to a recruiter for the army, which only added to Elliot's anger. His kid was going to college, not into the army. And that's exactly what he told the recruiter who had been talking to Dickie, a minor.

Unfortunately, the recruiter fueled him even more, telling him in under two years, Elliot had no say in what Dickie did and that the army had no intentions of turning him down.

As soon as they walked outside of the army recruiting office, Elliot reared his fit back in preparation of hitting the brick wall at full force. Olivia stepped behind him quickly, covering his fist with her hand. Elliot stopped immediately, knowing that now if he punched that wall, it would be Olivia's hand hitting it instead of his own.

"Breathe," she whispered in his ear from behind him.

Adrenalin was pumping through his veins. He had so much anger that he was breathing, but too fast. His chest was heaving up and down as he breathed in the fresh air around them.

Elliot slowly dropped his fist and Olivia released her grip on his hand. He turned his body to face her but instead of looking at her, he stared at the pavement.

"I gotta find my son…" He whispered to her softly as he ran his hand down his face.

Olivia had a small, sad smile on her face that he couldn't see.

"You will." She told him. "Come on, we have to get back to the house, we got something on our rape case." Olivia stated, referring to their precinct. She even put a hand on his back to usher him in the direction of their squad car.

Elliot didn't think Dickie was in any danger. He just needed to find him and figure out what the hell was going on.

Olivia knew it wasn't a good idea for him to be working two cases, especially when one wasn't even their case and it evolved his son but she was his partner and she had his back.

They headed to the precinct to see what development they had.

…

Elliot had been off the entire case.

Alex Cabot was off her game as well because she'd found out an investigator from the state bar was keeping tabs on her. She'd met with Sonya, who was working on getting sober through her court ordered program, and Sonya had warned her about Elliot and Olivia. She'd told Alex the two detectives were close, too close, that they were loyal to each other, not her.

Alex had been surprised at Sonya's words, so much so that she'd almost laughed in her face.

They were her friends. Olivia and Elliot were supposed to have her back. They'd both been there for her when she had come back from witness protection and had to testify. Not only that, but Alex was very close to Olivia.

But Sonya had been right. Elliot and Alex went at it in the squad room while Olivia stood by silently, siding with neither of them. Alex knew he wasn't supposed to be working this case that involved his son because it was personal for him and it wasn't even their case, it belonged to Queens.

Alex needed him to focus on their rape case before they screwed up and her license got yanked. Ever since she'd talked to Sonya, she was on alert. Olivia and Elliot weren't acting like they were on her side and Alex had put up her walls, even with Olivia.

She had told Cragen they were breaking the rules and he knew it. Cragen wasn't happy with Elliot and it showed.

Eventually, she'd vacated the squad room and left them to do whatever the hell they were doing with the case involving Elliot's son and his friend Shane.

…

Olivia and Fin had been charged with heading to the homeless shelter to track down Shane and Dickie. Elliot was supposed to back down. Cragen told him to either work their rape case or go home. It was a direct order, and one that Elliot ignored.

He followed Olivia and Fin. Once they got their answers from the homeless shelter, they knew Dickie's location. Olivia was annoyed that Elliot had followed them but she knew she couldn't stop him, so she told him to jump in the back seat.

When they arrived, Dickie was beating up a homeless man, demanding answers to Shane's whereabouts.

Elliot barely let the vehicle stop before he was jumping out, running towards Dickie. He grabbed his son, the 2x4 that Dickie was using dropped to the ground, and Elliot ushered him to stop and calm down.

Fin took the homeless man to the ER, he needed medical attention from the head wound Dickie had given him.

Elliot forcefully grabbed Dickie by the shoulders.

"Let's get back to the precinct so we can sort this out." Olivia stated, walking to Dickie.

"I'm taking him home." Elliot told her, looking at Dickie who remained quiet.

Olivia looked at him like he had gone insane. When she realized he was serious she called after him, running up to stop him from moving further.

"Elliot… Elliot, stop!" She called to him, grabbing his arm that was attached to Dickie and yanked him back. "Your son just assaulted a homeless man with a 2x4, there no way he's going home." She told him with fire in her eyes. She gently took Dickie by the arm and started walking down the street towards where Elliot's car had been parked.

"Don't make this harder than it already is…" she whispered as they walked away.

Luckily, they weren't that far from the homeless shelter where Elliot had followed them to in the first play.

Olivia was tired of his anger. He needed to get it out. Soon.

…

Back at the precinct, Olivia walked Dickie into the interrogation room and they sat down. It was a rough interrogation and Elliot and Cragen watched through the glass.

Olivia asked Dickie about Shane and he told her Shane was missing, that they needed to be looking for him.

Dickie got up and started pacing back and forth while she'd remained seated.

"You went through a lot of trouble for a friend… you two must be pretty close…" She told him, staring at him intently.

"I'm not stupid, I know what you're doing." Dickie turned around and shot at her. "My dad pulls this tactic on me at home when he's trying to get personal…" he told her.

Dickie walked over to the table and placed his hands on it, bending over to get in Olivia's face. He did something she hadn't been prepared for.

"How about you? Ever sleep with your partner, detective?" Dickie shot at her, looking Olivia right in the eyes.

"Never." She answered immediately with a straight face. Her eyes were narrowed, as if she hadn't been phased by the question that was shot at her.

Through the glass, Elliot and Cragen had stared. If the question had affected Elliot in any way, he hadn't let it show.

Cragen huffed, running a hand down his face, he exited the room to head back to his office.

Elliot's eyes continued to take in the scene in front of him.

"Now, are we done playing games?" Olivia asked Dickie as she got in his face, matching his stance. She knew how to hold her own, even with a sixteen-year-old.

"I don't have many friends. No one wants to hang out with the kid whose dad is a cop. Most people my age like beer and want to smoke weed…" Dickie trailed off.

Elliot turned the intercom off. He didn't want to hear anymore.

Within a few minutes, Olivia was out of interrogation, leaving Dickie in there to sit for a bit while they figured out what their next move was.

Elliot stared at his son through the two-way glass and Olivia stood beside him with her arms crossed in front of her.

Olivia huffed. "He's real worried about Shane. I think Shane might be in some real trouble…" she told Elliot honestly. This was turning into a more serious case, a case that still wasn't theirs. Shane was in trouble, that much was evident but they had nowhere to go, nothing to go on.

Elliot took a deep breath.

"I've never seen you lie so well… so quickly…" he said, keeping his voice low and turning his head to his right to look at her. "It's kinda scary."

She pursed her lips together tightly, still staring at Dickie and refusing to look at Elliot.

"I'm sorry he did that… I don't know why he asked you that…" Elliot told her. She swallowed hard.

"It's fine…" Olivia told him.

"It's not, but you played it well…" He commented.

She rolled her eyes.

…

Flashback:

They'd slept together once, a little over three years ago.

It was after Gitano happened. They'd both been vulnerable but he'd still been married. He was supposed to be working on his marriage with Kathy but Gitano fucked them up good.

He'd brushed off Olivia at the hospital, telling her they were too close, that they couldn't be partners if they chose each other over the job again. Elliot had cost a little boy his life. He'd put Olivia first and he was losing everyone in his life.

Olivia had left the hospital and gone straight home, intending to open a bottle of wine. She had been traumatized from what all had happened, from Ryan dying, from Elliot almost dying, from herself almost dying, from Elliot stonewalling her…

But she didn't get to open the bottle of wine. Apparently, Elliot had followed her home. She'd been home all of ten minutes before he knocked on her door. She had had enough time to change clothes and go to the bathroom.

She'd opened the door and let him in.

Realizing her couch was covered in clothes, she picked an armful up so he could sit down. When she walked to her room to put them on the floor in her closet, he followed her.

After she'd thrown her clothes on the floor, she turned around and there he was.

"We're fucking up our partnership." He told her bluntly.

"We?" she asked, cocking her eyebrow at him.

"We're too close." He whispered to her but he had a look on his face. A look that told her they were in trouble.

"Well you don't have to worry about that because I'm asking for a new partner in the morning." She told him.

"Like hell you are." He responded quickly, walking over to her and basically getting directly in her face.

"You said it yourself. We're too close… we need a break." She shot at him.

"I never said we needed a break…" He argued. "We just need to re-evaluate some things… do things a little differently…" He told her firmly, his eyes begging her not to break them up.

Olivia scoffed at his response. He was going back and forth. One minute he wanted her to be his partner, the next minute, he didn't. It was like he couldn't decide, like he couldn't choose between his feelings.

A beat of silence had passed between them while they were still in close proximity. When Olivia finally made her move, he'd seen it coming and he didn't bother stopping her.

She leaned forward, placing both hands on his face, she leaned in and kissed him softly. Her tongue didn't have to seek entrance because he opened his mouth immediately and began kissing her back.

It was a hungry kiss that was almost more of a make out session than a kiss.

"I almost lost you today and that kiss… that's why I'm asking for a new partner…" Olivia told him after she pulled back and wiped her mouth. "I've been wanting to do that for years. We've never even kissed before but Jesus it feels like we've done it a thousand times… that was so natural… we're too close." She shook her head and looked away. "We need time apart… we need a break." She thought for a moment before correcting herself. "I need a break." Olivia stated, looking to him, needing him to understand.

Elliot hadn't been shocked by the kiss. They had chemistry, they both knew it. It was something they could physically and emotionally feel but they'd never kissed or touched intimately. Sure, a hug here and there but that was it and only when it was necessary.

"The past forty-eight hours have been the worst." Elliot told her softly. "We've been through a lot…"

She gave him a sad smile. They had maybe gotten all of seven hours of sleep during the past two days.

"A kid died because of me, Liv…" He continued, sounding defeated. "I blamed you for that and I'm sorry… I was mad and upset. I hated myself… I still do." Elliot confided in her. "I wouldn't be surprised if you hate me too, especially after everything I've thrown at you the past twenty-four hours…" Their fight earlier in the day had been bad but he was out of his mind at the hospital. He'd told her that he knew she would have taken the shot, the shot that would have killed him. They were both in shock but that was no excuse.

He wrapped his right arm around her waist and pulled her to him. Olivia rested her forehead against his and his right hand snuck up under her shirt and remained on the bare skin of her lower back. They both closed their eyes tightly.

"I don't hate you, and Ryan dying isn't your fault…" She whispered to him.

Elliot let out a deep breath and slipped his right hand into the back of Olivia's pants, under her underwear, which he could tell were made of lace, and he grabbed a handful of her left ass cheek.

Olivia let out a gasp and swallowed hard again. Her hands came to rest on his shoulders.

"We can't…" She told him in a hushed whisper. "You're married."

"I'm separated…" He whispered back as he kneaded her ass with his hand.

"You're married." She corrected, even though she was very much enjoying what his hand was doing to her ass. Their eyes remained closed with their foreheads pressed together. "And you're supposed to be working things out with Kathy… you both are going to couple's therapy, you see each other often… you're probably back to fucking her." Olivia stated boldly. "So, what do you need me for?"

His hand continued its motion against her soft, warm skin.

"You know better than that, Liv…" He warned her lightly as he leaned forward and nipped at her bottom lip. She kissed him back without hesitation.

They were basically wasting time by talking now, stating the obvious and procrastinating even though they'd already passed the barrier of no return.

"You still wear a ring…" She responded softly.

"Want me to take it off?" he asked in another whisper.

"No." She answered immediately and leaned forward slightly to capture his lips. It was almost as if him leaving his ring on aroused her even more, when it should have done the very opposite.

They made out for a good minute and his left hand slipped inside her pants to rest on her right ass cheek. She could feel the cold gold band that he wore on his finger against her skin. With both hands on her ass, he pulled her body firmly against him. She could feel his arousal.

Olivia was the first one to pull back. She put her arms around his waist and rested her forehead on his right shoulder and his hands stayed in place.

"I never wanted to be this kind of woman." She whispered to him, realizing they were about to do the inevitable.

"You don't have to be, Liv." Elliot told her softly, stopping the movements of his hands and removing them from her pants. "I'll leave."

As soon as the words left his mouth, Olivia's grip around his waist tightened and she kissed his collar bone, insinuating that she didn't want him to go.

He let out a sigh. There was no way he was leaving her apartment. Not tonight.

Olivia leaned back and pushed his jacket off his shoulders, letting it fall to the floor. She looked him in the eye as she lifted his shirt. He complied, lifting his arms over his head so his shirt came off.

Soon, they were both naked and in her bed. Elliot was on top of her, one hand on her breast and the other bracing himself on her mattress as he slipped his hardened member inside of her.

"Oh, fuck!" She gasped when he entered her, closing her eyes tightly. He had waited a few seconds to let her adjust before he started moving.

He went slow at first but eventually, his thrusts grew fast and frantic. He had so much pent up inside him from everything that had happened. He needed release.

"Mmhmm…" Olivia let out a loud moan and the sound of skin slapping on skin could be heard throughout her apartment. He hiked her left leg over his hip to get a better angle, which only made her sounds come louder.

Elliot pounded into her hard and she arched her back as her orgasm hit, making an 'O' shape with her mouth.

He continued pounding into her as she rode out her waves of pleasure and once he was sure she had finished, he allowed himself to fall over the edge, grunting and calling her name as he came.

As far as birth control was concerned, he never asked and she never mentioned it. He came inside her but he wasn't worried. He knew she must be on the pill or have one of those IUD things inside of her. She'd never let him risk knocking her up.

Afterwards, he laid beside her. She'd leaned up and covered them with her sheet, like it could protect them from the sin they'd just committed.

"I'm still asking for a new partner…" She whispered to him as they were basking in the afterglow of their sexual activity.

"I know I keep saying we're too close… but I don't think we can get any closer than what we just did…" He told her seriously.

Olivia took a deep breath. "You almost died today, El… I… I almost killed you…" He didn't need to look at her to know she had tears in her eyes.

Elliot turned on his side and pulled the sheet from her chest.

She looked at him in curiosity.

"What are you- Oh god!" she responded when she felt his mouth on her right nipple. Her fingers weaved through his short hair as her tears disappeared and she felt arousal again.

He let her nipple go with a popping sound.

"I'm fine…I'm right here, Liv." Elliot comforted her, looking into her eyes. "If we're gonna do this tonight, we might as well get as much out of it as we can and make the best of it…" He told her as he began kissing her stomach, trailing down to his designation between her legs.

She fisted the sheet and let out a string of curse words when his tongue licked slowly up and down her slit. He had to wrap his arms around her legs to steady them because she kept moving so much from the pleasure her body was experiencing. It didn't take long after his tongue entered her body before she was coming again, yelling his name.

After he was done, he propped his forearms beside her head and rested his pelvis against hers, staring at her intently. He was hard again but she wasn't surprised.

"I'm the other woman…" She whispered, looking away. She almost sounded broken.

"I'm separated." He told her once more, leaning down and capturing her lips with his own.

She looked back at him when he'd finished kissing her.

"You're married." She'd whispered, correcting him again and running her hands up and down his sides and he jumped slightly. "And… you're ticklish?" she asked, making a questioning face.

He smiled down at her. "I am… my secret's out. Please don't tickle me… I hate it." He was being sincere.

"Okay… I won't." She promised. "Your secret is safe with me."

Elliot leaned down and captured her mouth again while Olivia rested her hands on his muscular back. She could feel his dick pushing at her entrance and she widened her legs, giving him permission. He pushed into her slowly but instead of beginning to pump in and out like she expected him to, he just stayed inside her.

"This stays between us." Olivia whispered to him.

He looked down at her with curious eyes. "Who do you think I'd tell?" he asked.

"Your priest." She shot back.

"Confessionals are for things that you're sorry for, for when you want to repent…" Elliot told her and his words weighed heavy with her. "I don't regret this."

"You will." She replied.

"I won't." He countered.

"You should." She fired back instantly.

"Never." He'd stated and she couldn't reply. Not only because he'd left her breathless with his words but he'd also began slowly pumping in and out of her. She'd closed her eyes in ecstasy. Olivia knew she wouldn't come again. She'd already come twice and that was good for someone her age but it wouldn't happen a third time. Even so, she was enjoying the sensation.

Elliot getting off twice for a man in his forties was pretty good too but with the shit that they'd been through recently, they both had needed the stress relief.

He'd buried his head between her neck and shoulder. "Oh god, Olivia," he'd grunted as he came inside her. She'd held onto him tightly.

After he'd finished and moved beside her, she'd once again covered them with her sheet, as if she could erase what they'd just done or hide it from the world.

Olivia Benson bedding her married partner.

Now, it was his turn to be emotional.

"I… I killed a kid today, Liv…" He whispered to her silently. Elliot was no longer blaming her, he was now blaming himself. He had been ever since he left the hospital. Elliot knew he'd mentioned it before they had fucked but this wasn't something you got over quickly. It'd be on his mind for a while. After today's events, they'd both be forced to go see the psychiatrist before they could go back to work.

Seeing him get emotional was killing her on the inside. She wrapped her arms around him and pulled his head to her chest. Elliot wrapped his arms around her waist and kissed the top of her breast, accepting her comfort.

That's how they fell asleep.

When morning came, they both showered and dressed separately. It wasn't awkward, it was just different.

"I'm still asking for a new partner…" She'd told him once they were both fully dressed and back in her room.

He nodded his head. He'd figured as much.

"Promise me you'll come back?" He asked her with sad eyes.

She smiled at him lightly. "It's not permanent… it's just a small break." Olivia promised him. "You're going to keep going to therapy with Kathy and you're going to work it out." She added a little too forcefully.

"I will…" He complied.

"What happened last night…" Olivia started. "It won't be happening again." She said firmly, looking him in the eye.

He nodded. "Can I have a kiss goodbye before we go back to being just Benson and Stabler?" he asked her.

She snorted, walking over to him. "Have we ever just been Benson and Stabler?" She asked but he didn't get a chance to answer because she gave him the kiss he'd asked for. It was nice and long, neither one wanted it to end.

When Olivia asked Cragen for a new partner, he had agreed. He knew they needed a break too, especially after their fight in the squad room the previous day. But instead of giving her a new partner, he transferred her to computer crimes. He'd told her to take as much time as she needed, that he'd save her a place for when she was ready to come back.

…

Back to present day:

The homeless man Dickie had attacked had decided not to press charges so far, not like he would have been able to anyways since he had been high as a kite during the altercation. He probably didn't even remember the attack.

Elliot allowed Dickie to sit in the chair beside his desk while they waited for Kathy to pick him up.

Olivia went to the bistro around the corner and got him a sandwich. When she came back, she tried to hand it to him, showing him that she harbored no hard feelings for the way he'd treated her in the interrogation room. Or it could have been because guilt was consuming her from fucking his father while he was still married to Dickie's mother…

"What do you say?" Elliot asked Dickie as Olivia held out the sandwich.

"No thanks…" Dickie mumbled and it took all of Elliot's strength not to roll his eyes. Clearly, his father had been expecting him to say "thank you" instead.

"You sure?" Olivia asked, trying again. When Dickie shook his head, she laid the sandwich on Elliot's desk, hoping Dickie would change his mind and then she walked away. She knew he probably hadn't eaten all day.

"You happy now?" Dickie asked Elliot.

"I'm thrilled." He replied sarcastically. "What's your problem?" Elliot asked.

"You think Shane talked me into doing drugs…" He whispered lowly.

"Did he?" Elliot questioned.

"Hell no, but you don't believe me." Dickie shot back.

Olivia sat down at her desk across from Elliot's. She was close to them. Of course, she could hear everything going on but she chose to ignore it and tried to act like she was busy, not wanting Dickie to feel uncomfortable or like she was eaves dropping.

Elliot tried to reason with Dickie, telling him that none of that mattered because Shane was missing and they'd try to find him. He asked Dickie if he knew anyone else that Shane talked to regularly but Dickie brushed him off.

"Spare me… I know you don't care about Shane." Dickie told his father forcefully.

"Do you know who I am?" Elliot asked and Olivia's ears perked up. "I'm your father, not your friend."

"That's exactly why I didn't come to you when he went missing." Dickie stated. He was pissed at his dad and it showed.

Elliot took a deep breath.

"My job is to worry about you twenty-four seven. To worry about your safety and where you're at and who you're with. Whether you like it or not, that means it's my job to know who you hang out with." Elliot told him forcefully.

Olivia could tell this was going to end badly. She could practically feel the anger rising in Elliot.

Dickie leaned in real close to Elliot's face. "You don't get to choose my friends or tell me what to do. I'm done listening to you." Dickie's eyes were filled with anger and hate. There were in dangerous territory now.

Elliot cocked his head sideways, as if maybe he'd heard his son wrong.

"Have… Have you lost your mind?" He asked Dickie in a whisper.

Dickie narrowed his eyes. "Well I'm not the first Stabler to do that, now am I?" He shot at his father.

Elliot was up out of his chair faster than Olivia could process. He had Dickie in his clutches and pinned against the wall.

Olivia jumped up as soon as she realized what was taking place and she was thankful they were the only ones in the squad room.

"Elliot, let him go!" She yelled at her partner but Dickie didn't look phased. It was almost as if he had been expecting it to happen.

Then Kathy rushed in.

"Elliot! Hey, hey…" The blonde instantly wrapped a protective arm around her son, as if to shield him from Elliot's wrath. Elliot let up instantly, smoothing out Dickie's shirt from where he'd just latched onto his son.

Kathy looked between the two males and then her eyes located Olivia, whom she could tell had jumped up to stop the altercation.

"Okay, okay… I'm taking him home…" Kathy told Elliot, then looked to Olivia to make sure it was actually okay that she took him home and that he didn't have to stay to be interviewed or answer any more questions.

When Olivia nodded, Kathy held Dickie tighter and walked him out of the room.

Elliot took a deep breath and glanced at Olivia before heading up the stairs to the bunks.

Olivia sighed as she waited a beat before following him.

When she arrived upstairs, she entered the room and locked the door behind her. Elliot was standing on the other end of the room by the last set of bunk beds. He was pacing the room. His anger was radiating off him.

She walked up to him and he wasn't surprised that she'd followed him.

"I've never hit my kids, Liv. I swear to god I've never touched them…" Elliot told her frantically.

"I know." She whispered, standing in front of him to stop his pacing.

"Kathy's pissed… I'll be sleeping on the couch for weeks… Shane's probably dead in an alley somewhere… Dickie hates me, and I mean literally hates me…" Elliot told her. "Did you hear him out there? What he said?" Elliot scoffed. "He's full of hatred."

Olivia gave him a sad smile. "He'll come around… he's just being a teenager. Kathleen hated you too, remember?"

"No, this is different…" He told her. "Kathleen got in trouble with the law… now Dickie… god what am I doing wrong?"

"You have to calm down, El." Olivia told him.

"I'm so angry. I'm so mad at myself, at my kid, at Shane, at everything…" He let out a huff and Olivia could see tears in his eyes. "I'm becoming my father… cheating on my wife… hitting my kids, my daughter is bipolar… I'm never home and I'm a cop just like him…" he stopped to take a breath. "Oh, god…"

She walked closer to him and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. He accepted her embrace.

"You'll never be Joe…" She whispered in his ear, placing a soothing hand on the back of his head. "I wouldn't let that happen… you know that." Olivia promised him.

Elliot stayed silent with his arms locked around her waist so she continued talking.

"You've never hit your kids…" She told him, repeating his exact words. "And even if you had tried to really hurt Dickie, I would have intervened, you know that…"

"He expected me to hit him, Liv… Did you see him? He didn't even flinch. And Kathy, the look on her face, she just… just…" Elliot was at a loss for words to describe Kathy with. "I'm gonna lose them all, Liv." He whispered, referring to his family.

"Shhhh…" She cooed. "Just breathe…" Olivia told him as she rubbed his back.

Elliot tried to breathe but he was a ball of anger and rage and sadness all rolled into one. His emotions had certainly gotten the best of him today.

Olivia pulled back so she could look him in the eye but her arms remained around his neck. "You don't let me become Serena and I won't let you turn into Joe, remember?" She reminded him of the drunken pact that they'd made when he'd found her on the kitchen floor of her apartment chugging vodka one night shortly after her stint in Sealview.

She hadn't been able to deal with her sexual assault and she hadn't been able to tell him about it either. All he knew was that she hadn't been raped. That's all she could tell him and he'd held her tightly that night, whispering promises to her of how he'd make sure her apartment was clear of all vodka after she went to bed, that he'd make sure she didn't fall down the same rabbit hole as her mother had.

After a few seconds of still holding onto Elliot, she released him and reached to grab the mini garbage can by the wall. She sat it between them on the floor and Elliot looked at her.

"No… you're not doing this." He told her firmly.

"If you get any angrier or take on any more stress, you're gonna explode and be unmanageable… even for me to deal with…" Olivia said as she reached for his belt buckle.

Elliot cleared his throat.

"You don't have to do this…" He whispered to her.

She ignored him and pushed his pants and boxers down to his knees, then took his already semi-hard member in her hands, massaging him until he was fully hardened.

"You need the release," she told him as she looked into his eyes. They were filled with fire. "And I'm going to give it to you…"

Olivia had only done this a handful of times since they'd slept together years ago. It was always when something dyer had happened or when something was wrong, in which both cases would end up with him needing stress relief or a break or just the release.

They leaned forward at the same time, putting their foreheads together as he enjoyed her touch.

"Don't kiss me…" She reminded him, just in case he'd forgotten her same request from the few previous times that she'd done this.

Her hand moved up and down his member at a steady pace as her other hand caressed his ball sack.

"Fuck, that's good…" He whispered as he closed his eyes. Their foreheads were still pressed together as she looked down as what she was doing. He grabbed onto her waist to steady himself.

"How long's it been?" She asked him quietly as she worked.

When he didn't answer, she squeezed him and he grunted, bucking his hips into her hand.

"Too long…" He replied.

"You having more trouble at home?" She asked.

"I don't really wanna talk about Kathy while you're getting me off…" He whispered hoarsely.

She couldn't blame him.

Olivia's hand sped up and somehow, he was able to keep his moans at a low volume. Elliot's right hand made its way up the back of Olivia's neck and grabbed a handful of her hair. It was clear he was about to cum.

"Don't say my name when you cum," she reminded him quickly, but he'd never forgotten either of her small requests since the day they first did this. Within seconds his semen was spurting out of his hard member and into the trashcan below them.

"Fuck…" He said lowly as he massaged the back of her head where he'd grabbed her hair.

Olivia continued to massage him until she was sure he'd emptied all of his semen. Then she took a tissue out of her pocket, wiped his tip, and bent down to pull his boxers and pants back up. Elliot had leaned back and removed his hands from her.

Once she'd buckled his belt, she walked over to one of the bottom bunk beds and took a seat.

Elliot took a beat to compose himself, then put the trashcan back from where she'd gotten it and sat down beside her.

He took a deep breath.

"I never want you to feel obligated to do that…" Elliot told her silently, placing his hand on her knee.

"I never do. I wouldn't do it if I didn't want to, El. You know that." She told him with knowing eyes.

He pressed his lips together tightly and glanced around the room before looking back to her. "You want me to umm…" He asked gently.

"No." She answered with a small smile. Even though she'd gotten him off those few rare times, he'd never gotten her off. It wasn't because he didn't want to, but because she didn't let him.

"A sin's a sin." Elliot told her. "Whether you get me off, I get you off, or we fuck… it's still cheating on my marriage…" He told her gently.

"I'm aware…" Olivia replied.

"Is that what's bothering you?" Elliot asked tenderly, reaching over with his left hand to rub her back.

Olivia leaned into him and he wrapped his arm around her, hugging her tightly.

"No…" She replied. "I became the other woman the minute we kissed and fucked years ago… I'll own up to that."

Elliot huffed and kiss the top of her head as she leaned into his shoulder. He hated that she kept thinking of herself as "the other woman" because that sure wasn't how he saw it. They weren't having a full-blown affair. She got him off once in a blue moon and that was it.

"Then what's wrong?" he asked.

Olivia shook her head, indicating that she wasn't gonna talk about it. He had no choice but to hug her with both arms, comforting her the best he could.

After a few minutes, Olivia pulled back and he released his hold on her. She got up to head back down stairs and in a few minutes, he would follow her.

…

Shane's body was found shortly after Cragen was suspended for Elliot's actions. At the scene, Olivia told Alex Cabot that she'd put in a request for a new A.D.A. which had surprised Elliot. Sure, he and Alex had butted heads over this case but she was a good A.D.A.

Alex had dropped the charges against their rapist in their other case. Olivia took that as Alex putting her needs first and sacrificing their rape victim, or at least that's what Olivia had told Alex when she asked why the brunette had requested her transfer.

Elliot blamed himself for Shane's death after finding further footage of Shane at the ATM with the homeless man. He hadn't taken the time to view the footage earlier, if he had, maybe Shane would still be alive. Elliot tried to talk with Shane's mom but the woman slammed the door in his face, which was no surprise.

Dickie had stayed out all night, refusing Elliot's calls and after a while, he'd realized Elliot was using his mom's cell just so Dickie would answer the calls and he ignored those too.

Once Dickie came home the next morning, he begged Elliot to sign consent papers for him to enter the army early. He wanted out of the house and away from Elliot.

Of course, Elliot refused. He grabbed Dickie and held him tightly.

"I'm not gonna do it… You can hate me all you want but you're my son. I love you and I'm not gonna do it…" Elliot whispered to Dickie as he held him against his chest forcefully. "You're my son," He repeated with his voice laced with tears.

It didn't matter though, Dickie still hated him and refused to talk to him.

Kathy was equally pissed. He was told to sleep on the couch or go elsewhere, that she didn't want him in her bed at least for a few nights. Elliot had nodding in understanding. He couldn't blame her. She'd witnessed him basically roughing up their own kid. He hated himself for it too.

…

When Elliot arrived at Olivia's door, it was almost midnight. He raised his hand to knock but didn't get the chance because the door opened quickly and out walked Alex Cabot with her hair slightly messy and the top two buttons of her work shirt undone.

She stopped briefly when she saw Elliot, looking him over before continuing her walk to the elevator.

Olivia stood in her doorway looking at him.

"Kathy kick you out?" She asked, moving back so he could walk in past her.

Elliot made a 'B' line for her fridge, grabbing himself a beer.

"She told me to sleep on the couch or go elsewhere… I chose elsewhere…" He told her as he popped open his beer and leaned his backside against her counter.

"I don't know that my couch is much comfier than yours…" she told him as she got herself a beer as well.

Elliot looked down and took a sip of his beer. "How long you been fucking Cabot?" He asked, looking into her eyes to see if she'd lie to him and try to deny it.

She opened her beer and took a long swig before walking to her couch. "Doesn't matter…" she replied as calmly as she could.

"It does to me…" Elliot told her, joining her on the couch.

"Why?" Olivia asked, cocking an eyebrow. "You jealous?" She responded, trying to make light of the situation despite being caught red handed when Alex exited her apartment.

He smiled at her response.

Olivia huffed. "Am I about to get the 'women sleeping with women is a sin and you're going to hell' speech?" she questioned, looking at him. Elliot could see fear in her eyes even though he knew she was trying to hide it.

"No." he answered seriously, propping his arm on the couch behind her, trying to give her comfort. "God, no… I'd never say anything like that to you… besides, all sins are equal. I cheat on Kathy and I'm pretty sure Dickie and Shane were more than just friends…." He confessed.

"He still not talking to you?" Olivia asked, leaning back against her couch so she could feel his arm behind her.

"It's gonna be rough with him for a while…" Elliot told her, downing more of his beer. "His best friend and possibly his lover was just murdered… probably because of me… had I looked at the tape sooner, I might could have prevented it…"

Olivia scooted over so she could rest her head on his right shoulder, while his right hand wrapped around her shoulders. She was holding her beer in her lap with both hands and he had leaned forward to set his on her coffee table.

"The key word there is 'might', Elliot." She told him lightly. "So much has happened today… don't blame yourself for Shane's murder too…" She whispered, taking one hand and rubbing it on his thigh in comfort.

His privates tingled from her touch but he did his best to ignore it, knowing that wasn't the response she was trying to get out of him.

"I'm trying like hell not to, but it's hard…" He whispered to her.

Olivia nodded, also taking a sip of her beer and they sat in silence for a bit. She felt bad for Elliot. She knew he loved his kids and would move heaven and Earth for them. He and Kathy still had fights even after getting back together for Eli's sake. It was all a big mess. Sure, she wanted marriage and kids one day but sometimes with the things that she saw Elliot go through, it made her momentarily happy she was not wed and was childless.

"You and Cabot just got done fucking, didn't you?" Elliot asked Olivia.

When she remained silent, he got his answer.

"Was it good?" He asked, smiling and trying to lighten the mood.

Olivia gave him a small smile, looking up at him. "You trying to live vicariously through me since you don't get any at home anymore?" She joked with him.

He smiled back.

"Seriously, were you two serious?" He asked her. The smile left Olivia's face. She leaned forward to place her beer on the coffee table with his.

"I don't love her if that's what you're asking." She responded, laying her head back on his shoulder. "We were casual… She scratched an itch for me that I wouldn't allow you scratch…" Olivia replied. "I was getting more attached than I originally expected I would but… I cared for her in a way… her feelings were stronger for me though…"

"Can you blame her?" He whispered, kissing the top of Olivia's head.

"Where does Kathy think you are?" Olivia shot at him.

She did this sometimes when their feelings were coming to close to the surface. She'd throw him off his game by mentioning Kathy or the kids, or something random that he wouldn't be expecting.

He swallowed, taking in her warning. "I don't know… she locked herself in our room. For all I know, she thinks I'm lying on the couch…" Elliot stated. "She's pissed and not talking to me… she won't ask where I am."

Olivia nodded, accepting his answer. She honestly didn't care where Kathy thought he was. She had just needed to bring him back to Earth and away from talking about his feelings for her that she knew he harbored.

"How long?" Elliot asked her, referring to her relationship with Alex cabot.

"On and off for the past two years since she officially came back from witness protection give or take a couple of months…" Olivia answered honestly, looking down.

Elliot tilted his head as he looked at her but she wouldn't look up to meet his eyes. "You didn't have to hide this from me… you know that, right?"

Olivia glanced up and gave him a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. "I like keeping some things personal…" She told him.

"I just want you to know you don't have to hide boyfriends from me… or girlfriends…" He added.

Olivia rolled her eyes.

Elliot shrugged his shoulders.

"Anyways, it's over now." Olivia replied, snuggling closer into his shoulder.

His eyebrows shot up. "You said you two just fucked before I got here…" Elliot stated, clearly confused. He'd seen Alex's ruffled hair and slightly unbuttoned shirt. She looked like she'd been freshly fucked.

"Yeah, and it was the last time…" She replied, rubbing a hand down her tired face.

"It was a goodbye fuck?" Elliot asked.

"Yep… I was serious about putting in that transfer. She doesn't even know if she'll get to keep her license but even if she does and did continue to work with us, I can't be with her again." Olivia confessed.

"Why not?" Elliot asked, his eyes twinkling.

"Sacrificing a rape victim and dropping the charges for her own selfish reasons? Not attractive…" Olivia told him, giving him a look.

"Welp… I call the bed…" He said, smiling at her.

Olivia rolled her eyes once more. "You can't do that when I own it…" She replied slyly.

Elliot got up and headed to her room.

"El…" She called after him hesitantly.

Olivia had been serious after the first and only time they'd fucked, when she'd told him it wouldn't happen again. At least not while he still wore his ring but she'd never confess that to him for fear of him leaving his wife for her.

He turned around and put his hands up in surrender.

"I only want to sleep." He promised her. "Maybe a little cuddling but that's it…" He promised her. "You were real down today and today was rough as hell on me… you know you could use the extra comfort."

Olivia sighed. She knew he was right.

"Okay," she replied. "Maybe a little cuddling but that's it…" Olivia told him sternly.

He nodded as they entered her room.

"Cuddling only, I swear." He promised her.