A story from my Ao3 that I figured I would finally post here.

Enjoy!

Sleep wasn't something that was gracing Ivan tonight, though lately he wasn't sure if it would be any better than lying awake. Visions and nightmares and noise had been invading his nightly sleep ever since the Eruption, and that had been months ago. Whenever he slept he was lucky if the night wasn't filled with images of blinding lights and strange people he'd never met and monstrosities and dangers that he was sure he'd meet before long.

At least when he was awake he was only met with the past, battles by his friends, blood, monsters, violence… falling in battle.

He cursed at himself beneath his breath, tugging the small sheet tighter around his frame, before kicking it away afraid it would show too much of his frame. Gods he hated it he hated it so much. Men weren't supposed to be small, men weren't supposed to be weak. Men were big and strong like Isaac and Garet, men were durable and weren't always the first to fall throughout the day. Even Mia survived longer than he did why was he so useless, why was he so small why he hated it he hated it he hated it.

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment to quiet his mind, Ivan tossed the sheet off himself, quickly wrapping his arms around his chest in case Isaac or Garet saw him. Scrambling, Ivan rummaged through his belongings before pulling out a binder and pulling it over himself as quickly as he could. His cloak was over him and he was out of the tent and rushing past the embers of their campfire in a silent blur, bare feet padding against the damp dirt and dew covered grass of their campsite.

He paced for a minute or two, stopping just short of the protective barrier of the Sacred Feather they had laid down to protect their tents, before coming to a dead stop and exhaling a long and deep breath through his nose.

A flick of the wrist and a burst of light from Psynergy activation was all it took to summon a small breeze around him. The blonde of his hair fluttered and caught the pale moonlight on the wind, barely allowing enough of the light to fall upon his face.

Slowly, methodically, his foot began to tap, ears listening to every light plap-plap-plap as skin met damp ground. Gradually the tempo built, his other foot adding to the sound. At least he could silence his mind for a little like this, focus on the beat and the rhythm and forget the world. It's a practice he learned long ago as he watched the bards and dancers of the Kalayan court. His fingers and palms drummed against his thighs, finding him the music of a song he hadn't heard in over a year.

With a spin Ivan's body became as that of his element, fluid and graceful as he spun and twirled in tune to the remembered rhythm, humming and muttering the tune and lyrics to himself beneath his breath as he moved. The wind flew between his fingers and along the creases of his clothes and through his hair.

He loved the feeling, he adored the sensation, of his element around him and passing over and through him, he felt strong and confident in his movements with the wind surrounding him. His feet grazed upon and stamped into the dirt beneath him as the song gathered strength and drifted through the melodic tones in his mind. The feeling of the ground resisting his heel only to give way and leave a clear mark in it, or the tickle of grass against his toes as dew went sprinkling with each movement, he loved it all.

He loved it so much, he loved the freedom, he loved the wind and breeze around him and the sound of it whipping around him as his limbs slashed and passed through it, he loved it all. It hurt, gods, it hurt, the fabric around his chest dug into him and tightened uncomfortably around his ribs with each movement and breath and it hurt but he didn't care, he didn't care, he was free and he was loving it, he didn't care what bruises or damage he was left with after, right now the freedom and power he felt was all that mattered.

Eventually the song in his mind wound down and he came to a pause, feet, covered in the mud and dew of the land, tenderly placing themselves amongst the grass surroundings. He exhaled, breath fogging in front of his face before his nostrils flared as he refilled his lungs. Moments passed as he regained his breath, ignoring the ache in his ribs, before something other than the whistle of the wind through the grass and leaves caught on his ears.

"You're very talented."

Ivan shivered slightly. The night was cold, yes, but he had heard that voice so many times, memorised everything about it, and the thought of Isaac having seen him made him both apprehensive and excited.

A pause, a deep breath, and then a turn with the words, "How much did you see?"

Isaac was standing there, the grass fluttering about his feet and the moonlight seeming to shine down in a perfect circle around him, illuminating his handsome features and bright blue eyes. Ivan swallowed and tried not to focus too hard on the man across from him.

"Think I caught the last half or so?" The blonde shrugged and paced a little closer to the boy, "What are you doing out here? I woke up and was worried when you weren't in the tent."

Ivan did his best to stop his heart from skipping a beat when Isaac told him he was worried for him. He knew full well Isaac would be worried for any of them, anyone he knew, under the same circumstances. Still, the thought that someone cared for him enough, and that it was someone like Isaac… well, Ivan couldn't do much to stop the beat of his heart quickening.

"Couldn't sleep… needed to get some stuff off my chest." He bit his tongue and silently growled at himself. –Shut up shut up shut up don't draw attention to it–

Isaac was in front of him, a smile so glorious on his lips and a look so genuine in his eyes that Ivan scarcely believed he could be so lucky to be his friend, and then his hand was on his shoulder.

"Anything wrong? We're all here to talk if there's something on your mind. Are you nervous that we're getting closer to Kalay? Worried about Hammet?"

"No… well, I mean, yes, but no more than usual. There's nothing we can do right now so I've accepted that."

"What is bothering you then?" Isaac's head tilted slightly to the side, his blonde hair, usually messy as it was now only seeming more unruly from being against a pillow, falling over his eyes.

Ivan could feel himself physically shrink. He knew Isaac would support him, as would Garet and Mia, but the feelings of weakness and uselessness that he had tried to be rid of several minutes ago came rushing back to him all at once.

What was he supposed to do? Just lay everything out, tell them everything, let them know how pathetic he was and lose the closest friends he had ever had in his life? Yeah, that's a great idea, lose the only people in the world who care.

"Ivan."

The boy blinked and looked up, seeing Isaac staring right into him. Any thoughts and words he had seemed to melt away as he looked into Isaac's bright blue eyes.

"We're here for you. I'm here for you. You can tell us anything and we'll help you. I promise." His words were delicate, but they were spoken with a force of conviction that only Isaac seemed capable of. "Come on, we'll go back to the camp fire and if you feel up to it I'll listen to whatever's bothering you."

Ivan simply nodded and allowed Isaac's arm to wrap around his shoulder and pull him close as they walked back to their tents. Ivan breathed deeply, inhaling the earth scent of Isaac's embrace, as they walked, feeling safer than he had in years.

Ivan sat himself down on a small stump by the fire as Isaac prodded the embers with a nearby stick to refresh their warmth. With that done, Isaac took apposition in front of Ivan, sitting cross legged on the ground before him and smiling up at him. Whatever warmth the embers of the campfire provided were overshadowed by the warmth Isaac's smile afforded the young blonde.

The two sat silent for a few moments, Isaac not breaking eye contact and keeping his winning smile there for Ivan to marvel at before some words broke from his lips.

"I'm sorry."

Isaac's brow furrowed and the smile dropped at Ivan's words, prompting the boy to continue with his words.

"I'm sorry I'm such a burden."

Isaac shook his head and held a finger up to the boy's lips, "You're not a burden, Ivan, not in any sense of the word."

Ivan took Isaac's hand in his and pulled it away from him, despite how much he adored the contact, "But I'm so… frail. I'm weak and I'm always the first one to end up exhausted or injured and needs to be healed each day."

The hand Ivan was holding away turned in Ivan's grasp enough to hold the boy's hand. "We're all getting stronger bit by bit, Ivan. None of us are used to this and none of us ever thought we'd be doing this. You're the youngest of us, Ivan, and you're still as strong as the rest of us."

"Garet and I have been practicing Psynergy for the past three years, Mia has been training and studying her whole life, you didn't even know of the truth of your powers until a few months ago and you're already as strong as us."

Isaac smiled wider and squeezes Ivan's hand, "I have no doubt in my mind that you'll be the strongest of us in no time."

Ivan knew that Isaac was speaking the truth as he saw it and that these weren't just words that he was cycling through to improve his mood and make things better. It did little to help though, regardless of his Psynergetic strength he was still small and frail in comparison to the others.

"Even if that's true… I'm not exactly durable. I'm small, physically I can't do very much. I'm fast, but all that's good for is running away." Ivan knew that, he had spent a lot of his childhood running away from those who were jealous of his station or bullied him for being a "freak". "Boys are supposed to be strong, men are supposed to be able to protect the ones they care about and I can't."

Suddenly Ivan found his hand devoid of Isaac's grip, only for him to be wrapped in his leader's warm embrace. He felt a hand rub along his back comfortingly and the gentle feel of lips against the crown of his head.

"You're not weak, Ivan." He could feel the words being spoken against him, "You are strong. So what if you're not right this second. Garet and I had the same build as you a few years ago." He felt the embrace shift and the hair being brushed out of his eyes and Isaac's face came into view, "If it's really bothering you this much, we'll all train together, okay?"

Ivan held his jaw tight and simply nodded a little bit, not having it in him to argue or tell Isaac he didn't understand.

"But to me, you are as much of a man as any I've known. You've helped us out of the good of your heart, you've guided us and taught us about the world, and you've protected two ignorant boys from Vale from the dangers of the world. Without you we'd likely be lost, or poisoned from some strange berries we found, or cheated out of all our money, or jumped by bandits because we didn't know safe routes to take."

"So you are strong, Ivan. You are a brave and caring young man, and all of us are very proud of you and thankful for all you've done for us." Isaac smiled brightly, that winning, shining, smile and placed a kiss upon Ivan's forehead, "You may be alike to a little brother, but you're just as much a father as mine was, and Garet's is, to our little group and we all love you.

Ivan exhaled a glad breath, smiling as Isaac pulled back and gently nudged his chin with a knuckle.

"Thanks, Isaac."

And he was, he was truly thankful. Maybe Isaac didn't really understand the truth of what was bothering him, but he could always make him feel better and smile in the end. Maybe someday Ivan could explain, someday tell Isaac how dysphoria hit and never truly went away, and maybe Isaac could help, but right now Ivan was smiling wide and Isaac was matching it.

The two were smiling brightly and hugging and right now the only thing bothering Ivan was that they weren't closer.

But that didn't upset him, not at all, it only gave him hope. Just as one day he would tell Isaac and his friends more about himself, he would one day tell Isaac how happy and safe he made him feel, how much he loved him.

So for now, he was content with the platonic affection and support Isaac offered him and the smile he gave when he suggested they return to the tent to catch some sleep before morning.

And Ivan smiled, slipping into a peaceful sleep for the first time in many weeks.

:0

Droory posting fics!? What nonsense is this?

Well, I hope you enjoyed!
Your friend and writer,
Droory