An Open Secret

A Star Wars fanfiction by Andrew Joshua Talon, Mandemon and others

DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fan based parody. Star Wars is the property of Disney and Lucasfilm Ltd. Please support the official release.

This takes place in the midst of Episode III: Revenge of the Sith...

The next morning, Threepio emerged from his sleep cycle and began his usual routine. He rose up and walked slowly to the kitchen, his optic scanners seeking out the utensils needed to begin breakfast.

He was a bit surprised to see Bariss Offee in there, cooking things quickly and efficiently, wearing a white apron over her Jedi vestments. This did not stop him from greeting her properly.

"Hello, Miss Offee! I see you are tending to breakfast?" Threepio asked. Bariss nodded.

"I am, Threepio. It is part of my duties now, and I should fulfill them," she said. Threepio nodded approvingly.

"Yes, we all must fulfill our duties! It is our lot in life," the droid agreed. He heard a familiar warble and beep, and looked to his right. A blue and gray astromech droid rolled into the kitchen. "Good morning, Artoo! How are you?"

The droid beeped something particularly foul when he caught sight of Barriss, and brandished his taser. The Jedi winced, and Threepio waved his hands.

"Now Artoo, calm down. Miss Offee is here to redeem herself!" Threepio insisted. Artoo's reply was dripping with sarcasm. Bariss shook her head.

"No, I don't blame you for being suspicious," she said. "But I will do everything in my power to make this second chance worth it. I promise."

Artoo chirped and warbled, retracting his taser but still looking pointedly at her. Bariss took a deep breath and returned to cooking, ensuring the eggs would not be burnt.

"You'll have to forgive him, Miss Offee. He does not trust easily. So paranoid, this one," Threepio said, in a slightly lower tone. Artoo whistled and chirped, and Threepio turned back to the little astromech.

"Don't you call me a naive simpleton, you overgrown trash can! An earnest desire to redeem oneself is evident!"

Artoo warbled a bit more. Threepio huffed with his cooling fans.

"Of course I know for sure! I am programmed to understand organic lifeforms! You're just a mechanic!"

"Oh good, they've started early," Padme chuckled, sweeping her way into the kitchen. Threepio threw his hands up in a start.

"Mistress Padme! Good morning, ma'am! I was simply checking on Miss Offee! She is preparing breakfast for you as we speak-"

"I can see that. Thank you Threepio," Padme said with a nod. She looked over at Bariss, who immediately flushed and bowed her head. "And thank you, Bariss. I see you obeyed me."

"To the letter, Madam Senator," Bariss said earnestly. Padme nodded.

"Good. However, you will forgive me for having Artoo scan the food first, correct?"

"Not at all," Bariss said. "I understand that perfectly."

Artoo chirped happily, and Threepio muttered about things being so very complicated.

"I will see to your morning appointments and the preparations for the reception, Mistress," Threepio said. He shuffled off to the door, and very nearly avoided being bowled over by a yawning Anakin. The Jedi Knight used the Force to keep Threepio on his feet, his tired gaze locked onto Bariss. Bariss flinched, but looked down at her feet in a polite bow.

"Master Skywalker," she said in a tense greeting. Anakin scowled, but his gaze softened when he saw Padme's smile.

"Artoo is scanning the food, Ani. It's all right," Padme said. Anakin nodded slowly.

"Fair enough."

"And after how I threatened her last night, there's no need for you to do more of that," Padme admonished. Anakin sighed, and took a deep breath.

"I guess so," he said with a scowl. Artoo beeped something, and Anakin shifted his scowl to the little astromech. "I am not feeling insecure!"

Padme giggled and hugged Anakin's arm tightly. "Relax dear, you're more than enough for me. Nothing to make up for at all," she said with a warm, wide smile. Anakin cleared his throat significantly, giving Bariss a glare. The disgraced former Jedi had turned back to the oven, but he could feel her knowing smile.

"Damn right," Anakin growled.

"So what'll it be honeys?" asked the multi-limbed and matronly service droid. Asajj Ventress and her… coworkers had stopped at Nytos 5, an asteroid that had been converted into a refueling and repair station for traveling ships. In particular they had parked their ship in the landing hangar for the station's dedicated food establishment… Spacey'Z.

As soon as they'd landed the service droid rolled up to their ship's berth and opened a comm channel to receive their order.

"Move Bossk, I can't see the menu."

"I will once I've picked sssomething."

"You always take forever to order!"

Once her coworkers stopped acting like children. Unfortunately this happened every single time they stopped at places like this. Bossk would take forever perusing the menu projected through their holo-terminal. Boba would be the first to complain about Bossk taking forever before pointing out- "And you always order the same thing."

"I do not."

"You're gonna order whatever they've got with the most meat on a single platter."

"My ssspecies evolved from carnivores."

"You're not denying it." Latts chimed in.

"Shutup Latts. Fine I'll have the Triple Meat Platter, with a extra side of Nerf Bacon."

Asajj made a point to not look at Cad Bane's smug face. It was also taking all her discipline not to pinch her brow in frustration. She refused to give him the satisfaction. Oh Dathomir Lotts was next.

"I'll have the Dantooine Egg Special."

Here it comes.

"How would you like your eggs dear?"

"Scrambled, slightly runny but NOT soupy. With two dashes of pepper for every one of salt. And I want the pan coated in butter before you fry it. Same for the Nerf Bacon. Don't make the bacon too crispy. And don't you dare serve the beans in anything but a separate bowl. If I want it mixing with my eggs and bacon I'd order it all blended together."

"... Your requests have been noted."

"Let me through!" Boba finally shoved his way past both Bossk and Latts to get a look at the moment. Boba was at least quick on his orders, and normally ordered them without a list of conditions and preferences. Unfortunately… "I'll have the (mumble)"

"I'm sorry honey you'll have to speak up."

Boba tensed before muttering louder, "Order JA12."

"Understood," Boba relaxed, "One order of Corellian Pancakes Junior Size."

"Ha!" And there it is. Hopefully that was all Bane was going to- "Does it come with a little kiddie toy?"

"I'll kill him! I'll kill him!" While Bossk and Latts restrained their youngest compatriot, Asajj perused the menu. If she hadn't spent her time as an agent of Dooku's surrounded by stupid droids she'd be tempted to replace the whole lot with them. At least C-21 Highsinger didn't put her through this much embarrassment when it needed new parts.

"I'll have the Coruscanti Biscuit with Eriadan Gray Tea to drink."

"Yes maam. Will that be all?"

"I'll have the Ithorian Garden Salad." All heads turned to the rough-voiced Duros. Even Boba stopped his calls for the man's blood and guts. Beat. "What? Doctor's orders. I'm not getting any younger so I need to watch what I eat."

There we go. The last bit is an omake provided by Islandhopper. Go see his fics, they're pretty awesome.