A/N: So. I'm just getting over the most horrendous year and a half of my life. Other than that I've not got much to say other than I binged the entirety of Naruto in two months, sold my soul to anime, and am back in the trash game of fanfiction. Yayy. Enjoy, lads.

The moron was practically vibrating in his seat. Honestly. It wasn't like he'd never been out of the village, travelled for three years, ridden on some literal turtle-island, saved the world, fought across dimensions or anything like that. They were on a train. Ooh, how exciting, right?! Idiot. Not like they can't run faster than this metal death trap was moving.

"Dobe, if you don't quit moving I swear I'm going to—"

"Now, Sasuke-kun, let's not fight before the other children even get on the train, ne?"

Right. With what he believed was a suitably ticked-off glower at both the blonde dumbass and Kakashi, Sasuke bit his tongue and resigned himself to a very long, very irritating ride.

"Sasuke-kun, did you remember the prosthetic Yamato-sensei made?" asked Sakura, and Sasuke tried very hard not to let his wince show.

Did Sasuke remember to pack the prosthetic arm? He definitely remembered that he had no intentions of ever, ever using that damn wooden limb, if that answered Sakura's question.

"Baa-chan is gonna punch you into the next century when she finds out, teme," snickered Naruto.

Kami. Sasuke wonders if the contact lens he's wearing will hold up against the full, concentrated power of his Rinnegan or if he'll be able to dump Naruto in one of Kaguya's dimensions.

Kakashi tskd in that frustratingly dickish way of his that involved raising his eyebrows, turning a page in his book, and crossing one leg over the other all the while managing to convey extreme condescending disapproval without ever looking away from his nasty, nasty book. "We're supposed to be keeping a low profile, you know. It'll be odd enough that you don't have wands and you have enough weapons between you to take down a small army— don't think I didn't see you sealing them away. Now we have to decide on a convincing story as to how you tragically lost your arm."

Oh, Kakashi was in one of those moods. The ones where he wasn't feeling particularly forgiving, where he felt they were being idiots and that he shouldn't have to put up with this. How unfortunate for him that this was his delightful little team. It was in these types of moods that Kakashi had no qualms bringing up the whole Valley of the End Incident. Not Sasuke's finest hour.

Sasuke drags his thoughts away from That Time to now, entirely presently annoyed at Naruto for being Naruto, at Kakashi for being Kakashi, at Sakura for bringing up the very thing that resulted in them being so annoyingly themselves. Huh. That almost made it feel like home.

"Oh, hey, we're coming to the station now!" Sakura exclaimed, leaning past Naruto to watch.

"Uh, Kakashi-sensei?" asked Naruto, staring out at the platform as they slowly pulled to a stop. Sasuke could see nothing but civilians out there, all entirely thrilled with their days and enjoying life and decidedly not on their guard for any potential attacks. Gross. "These guys all look… I mean we look pretty different, don't you think?"

Sasuke glanced at the dobe from the corner of his eye, wondering where he was going with this.

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "We're supposed to be pretending to be fifteen. I… I don't think we could get away with being seventeen, even though that's what we are, you know?"

Sasuke looked at Sakura's Strength of a Hundred seal, Naruto's bandaged arm and whisker-birthmarks, Kakashi's perma-mask. He was distinctly aware of the irritable contact lens in his left eye, and the shift of fabric over what remained of his arm. Added to that was the fact that, of course, even though Naruto and Sasuke weren't massively tall for their age they were broad-shouldered and toned, and all of them were trained killers who didn't know how to not be on their guards so soon after the war. Even in their Western civilian clothes there was something off about how they looked.

Yeah. Maybe the dobe had a point.

"It's in all your documentation, so don't worry about it. Everything is perfectly illegally legal," said Kakashi, and then he snapped his book closed and stood with a bright — probably, anyway — smile. "Time for me to go!"

Oh. That meant the… kids… would be boarding soon. Sasuke nearly shuddered.

"Thanks Kakashi-sensei," Sakura said warmly, waving happily. "Tell Tsunade-sama I'll send her weekly updates!"

"Mm-hmm. Naruto-kun, Sasuke-kun…" Kakashi's pleasant demeanour dropped and for a split-second Sasuke felt like he was taking that bell test all over again. "Do not make me give Sakura-chan permission beat you up. Behave."

Sasuke sighed. So rude.

Then with a poof, Kakashi was gone.

And of course Naruto began being his obnoxious self. "Alright! Wow, this is our first mission together in— in— years! Man, this is gonna be awesome."

Sasuke was not smiling. He was not. It was a grimace, because Naruto. Yes.

"Aw, Sasuke-kun," cooed Sakura, and Sasuke might be horrified if he didn't already know she was over him. "Is that a smile I can see? Hmmm? Come on, don't be shy!"

Naruto gave a dramatic gasp, clutching at his chest. "Sakura-chan, it's true! He can smile! My eyes! It's terrible— Make him stop!"

Now he was definitely not smiling. With a scowl, he accidentally placed his booted foot in Naruto's face. Ah, that was better. He allowed himself a vindictively pleased smile at Naruto's indignant squawk. Served him right.

And if laughter filled the compartment— Well. Sasuke supposed he didn't mind too much.

In hindsight, letting Naruto wander off on his own to find the toilet was probably a bad idea. A very bad idea, really, given that an hour later he still hadn't come back and Sasuke had half a mind to tear the train apart just to find him. Not that he was worried. Honestly, if Naruto couldn't handle a few civvy kids then he had no chance at the title of Hokage; Sasuke would just really rather keep him in sight. It was, after all, just the three of them, thousands of miles from their home.

"I'm going to find that moron," he muttered, standing and shoving the door open. A tiny waif of a child had been walking past, took one look at him, and ran back in the other direction. Flee, child, flee.

"Sasuke-kun—"

"He'll blow our cover before we even get to the school and you know it," said Sasuke, because even now Naruto was so sickeningly honest it was practically a handicap.

Sakura sighed. "Just… don't… cause any damage, ne?"

Sasuke would be offended were it not for he and Naruto's track record around Konoha. He waved off her concern. "If I'm not back in half an hour with the dobe in tow, just assume I threw him off the train."

Funny thing was, it wasn't entirely unlikely either.

Taking Sakura's pained sigh as a goodbye, Sasuke slid the door shut behind him and set off stalking through the train, secretly revelling in the children that scuttled out of his way.

He found Naruto with two redheads and a boy with dreadlocks. By the sounds of laughter, Sasuke just knew he was going to open this door to a compartment full of Naruto-Kiba-hybrids. Shinigami take him already. Taking solace in the knowledge that he had faced down a veritable goddess before, Sasuke slid open the door and leant against the frame.

Four pairs of eyes slid over to him, and Sasuke resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the pleasantly surprised expression on Naruto's dumb face.

"Teme! This is Fred, George and Lee!" Naruto said cheerfully, pointing at the three boys.

Suddenly glad he had chosen to perform a quick translation henge jutsu before exploring the train (and by the way, one handed seals? Not easy.), Sasuke nods to them. Given name, clan name. "Sasuke Uchiha."

"Good afternoon," said Fred.

"Nice to meet you," said George.

"Your friend here—"

"—Was telling us—"

"—About some of his exploits—"

"—In your hometown—"

They grinned. "Care to share?"

Sasuke stared, because what the fuck. He turned his stare to Naruto, silently begging him to explain just what the hell he walked into.

Of course, Naruto just grabbed his wrist and tugged him onto one of the seats. 'One of the seats' meaning him being wedged between both Fred and George while Naruto gleefully watched from opposite.

"So, teme, did you miss me or what?"

This time Sasuke did roll his eyes. "Just wanted to make sure you hadn't fallen off the train, dobe. Sakura would kill us both."

Naruto winced at the thought, and Sasuke didn't blame him. Since returning to Konoha he had, on more than one occasion, been on the receiving end of her temper (admittedly, not without fault).

"Ooh, Sakura, eh?" inquired Lee, raising his eyebrows.

"Sounds like a charmer," said George.

"Is she interested in dashingly handsome redheads?" asked Fred.

Sasuke and Naruto locked gazes for a long, heavy moment.

And then they laughed. Oh, kami, what a joke. Sakura and a civilian? About as likely as him and Naruto.

Sasuke cleared his throat, suppressing his mirth. "By all means, you're welcome to try."

"Just don't come crying to us when she breaks your ribs," added Naruto.

"Hmm, sounds like a challenge," hummed Fred.

"Indeed, my dearest twin," agreed George.

Naruto and Sasuke shared looks of complete horror.

"Now, she sounds an awful lot like a Gryffindor, if you ask us."

"Which raises the question: if you're all friends, do you think you'll be in Gryffindor too?"

Gryffindor. One of the four houses: the House of the Courageous. They went over this slightly in their mission brief, but nothing particularly in depth. Courage, loyalty, wit, ambition.

Naruto shrugged. "I dunno much about the houses, but from what I've heard I'll probably be in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. Sakura would definitely be a Ravenclaw."

Eyes landed on Sasuke. He shrugged. "Most likely Slytherin." House of snakes? The irony would simply be too much for the universe to pass up.

He didn't miss the slightly tense silence following his words. Wonderful. Looks like snake bad here too.

With a sigh, Sasuke stood. "Dobe, Sakura's going to be looking for us."

Naruto smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I guess I lost track of time. Nice meeting you guys!"

The three were seemingly brought back to life again after that.

"Farewell, fellow prankster!"

"We look forward to passing on our legacy to you!"

"Guys, quit freaking the new guys out," sighed Lee, but it was fond. "See you guys around school."

They left.

"Our mission is the protection of one specific target. Really, we shouldn't keep too far away…" said Naruto.

They were sat in a triangle on the floor of their compartment, discussing their plan for the year now that they had the house rivalries to consider.

"True. However…" Sakura trailed off, tucking some hair behind her ear. "However, if we spread ourselves across the houses, no one can question how three exchange students with such different personalities managed to end up in the same house. And we can use our distribution to gather information."

Sasuke nodded. "Slytherin. The information we had on this terrorist leader said that he and his followers are all from that one house. We can determine who's loyal to his cause, and who can be swayed. I'm the logical choice for Slytherin, but one of you needs to be in Gryffindor so no one is too far from the target. That leaves someone in Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff."

Naruto scratched the back of his head. "I'm not really the Ravenclaw type, but Hufflepuff— People underestimate them. That tournament they had last year, with the Champions. The kid in the lead was a Hufflepuff."

Sasuke stared at the idiot. "He also died."

Naruto laughed sheepishly. "Well, uh, yeah, but still — no one expected him to get as far as he did. They underestimated him like they do for the whole house. I'd probably be able to lay low there."

Sakura nodded. "I could get by in either Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff, I think. Ravenclaw sounds… more suited to me, I think. They're good at research, value intelligence; I'd be able to gather information easily from there." And here she smiled that terrifying smile that she definitely learnt from Tsunade. "And if they think I'm just a bookworm that's fair game— Well. They won't for long."

Monster. An actual monster in a happy pink shell.

Just as Sasuke opened his mouth to make a suggestion about finding somewhere for meeting, someone knocked on the door. He felt his eyebrow twitch, hating how there were so many people on this train that his senses were unable to focus on any single person.

They turned to see a bushy haired girl slide the door open. "Ah, hello, sorry to bother you; are you the new exchange students?"

Sakura waved cheerfully. "That's us! I'm Sakura, this is Naruto, and this is Sasuke." Without prompt, they rose and sat on the seats once more. Sasuke hoped that action wasn't too coordinated-looking for the civilian look they had going.

The girl smiled and just walked right on in and sat down next to Sasuke. Clearly he wasn't looking menacing enough today. "I'm Hermione Granger; pleasure to meet you. Do you have any questions about Hogwarts, like lessons or the building or anything…?" He watched closely as her eyes flickered down to his absent arm, satisfied when she showed no outward reaction. Not a lost cause then.

"'Mione, what— Oh, hullo," said the redheaded boy who stumbled in. Sasuke had a horrid suspicion he was related to those insane twins. And then his eyes fell to Sasuke's left arm, and he gaped quite hideously. "Bloody he—"

"Ronald," said Hermione sharply, and the boy flushed as he snapped his mouth shut. Hermione smiled at him apologetically. "Sorry about that."

Sasuke raised an eyebrow and remained silent until she looked away, uncomfortable. Good.

Hermione stood and moved to usher the boy out the doorway. "Um, we'll be arriving in about an hour. You should probably get your robes on. I've been asked to tell you that you'll be sorted with the first years. Um, goodbye." She shut the door behind her, and they all heard the particularly thorough chastising she gave Ronald.

"You won't make any friends if you keep scaring everyone away, teme," drawled Naruto, and wow, okay, clearly they've been spending too much time together as a team because Naruto definitely got that tone from either him or Kakashi.

And, in good humour, Sasuke said, "Fuck off, dobe. I'm here for a mission, not to make friends."

"Boys."

It was the tone, coupled with the dreaded Hell-Smile, that shut them up. Haruno Sakura, dreaded demon medic, knew a hundred-and-one ways to paralyse a man without leaving any evidence. Sasuke was willing to bet he wouldn't have time to bring up his Susano'o, nor Naruto his Six Paths form, before he was lay on the floor asking himself what the fuck just happened.

(They really needed to work on their reaction times, he and Naruto, if ever they wanted a chance against Sakura when she was feeling particularly wrathful.)

"Firs' years! Firs' years this way!"

They sighed as one. Sasuke put his hand in the pocket of his ridiculous robe and trudged after the crowd of small children. When they came to a dock, and several boats, Sasuke questioned the sanity of the entire magical community. The giant of a man who had shepherded them to the dock, who reminded Sasuke of a permanent Akimichi Expansion Jutsu, paused as he saw them towering over the first years — even Sakura, which really was saying something.

"You mus' be the exchange students. I'm Hagrid, Rubeus Hagrid. The boats are only small now, so one of yous ride with me and the other two take one boat, alright?"

Sasuke carefully didn't comment that the man looked as though he needed his own boat, because Sakura volunteered to ride with Hagrid. She was the smallest, and water affinity. If she fell in the lake she'd be fine. Angry, but fine.

Naruto clambered into a boat, and Sasuke followed him in. With a bit of chakra the boat hardly wobbled at all.

Soon enough they were moving, and Sasuke irritably batted aside the willow branches as they moved to the open lake. He scratched at his eyes as they began to itch, which was somewhat concerning. They'd never itched before from anything other than exhaustion and overuse, which was impossible now, because his chakra stores were full and—

"Teme, you feel that?" murmured Naruto.

Sasuke looked at him in the warm light of the lantern. Naruto turned to look at him over his shoulder.

"Kurama says the chakra here is so heavy it's all through the air, but I can only sense it like a tingling on my skin. Do your eyes…?"

"They itch like hell, yeah." Kami, but he wanted that contact lens out. Tomorrow he was just using a henge, risks of broken concentration be damned.

They emerged from the willow trees, and Sasuke dropped his hands from his face as he stared up at the castle. He'd seen bigger, seen more elaborate designs, but the way the chakra in the air seemed to be focused there on this huge, glowing castle…

"Whoa…" breathed Naruto.

Sasuke hummed in agreement, though secretly he wondered if the whole point of having first years arrive in boats was simply to wow them with the sight of the rather imposing structure looming over a moonlit lake. It seemed dramatic in such a way that Sasuke thought he was beginning to understand was simply a wizarding way of life.

As they arrived they were let up to the doors of the castle and into an antechamber, where they were met by a stern faced woman waiting before yet another set of doors. Sasuke was starting to miss paper screens.

She went on about the sorting, and that they had to wait for their names to be called, and said some stuff about the houses, but Sasuke's left eye was still itching, almost to the point of watering.

"Sasuke?" Naruto called lowly.

"Cast a henge over me. Need to get this contact lens out," he muttered.

He waited until he felt Naruto's chakra drape over him like a veil, and then in one swift motion he removed the contact lens. Almost immediately the world seemed clearer, brighter, and people's movements were all entirely noticeable to him. Sasuke let out a small sigh of relief, pocketing the old lens. Yeah, tomorrow would definitely be a henge.

The large doors opened, and they were herded into a large hall filled with the rest of the student population. All cramped into the middle of the two centre tables, Sasuke suddenly felt incredibly out of place standing a whole foot over the other children.

Beside him, Sakura smothered a snort.

Sasuke tried not to scowl. "What's so hilarious?"

Sakura disguised a laugh as a cough. "It's just like your Chuunin exams again."

Both Naruto and Sasuke blanched at the memory. Sasuke, having left at Genin and not returning until after the war, and Naruto, having been travelling with Jiraiya and then fighting against Akatsuki, had been Genin right up until three months ago, when an impromptu Chuunin exam was held for all those who protected their village during the war. And Sasuke and Naruto, S-rank missing-nin and Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, had been forced to take the exam with everyone else if they ever wanted to be recognised as having a respectable rank. In the end, they had been among the only ones who passed purely because nearly everyone else was beside themselves with fear of Sasuke or hero-worship of Naruto. It had been a somewhat embarrassing time.

Now, even if it was unofficial, at least they were honorary Jounin. Wouldn't be able to take that test until this mission was over; added to whatever research they had to do this year to keep their cover and complete the mission, they also had to study for this Jounin exam. Sasuke took pleasure in knowing that Kakashi wouldn't be able to slack off while they were gone; he had Hokage training, after all. Let's see him find the time to read that trash now.

McGonagall, Sasuke thought she said her name was, started reading out names.

"Haruno, Sakura," she read, and interested murmurs broke out across the hall.

Sakura moved between the tiny first years and sat on the stool, and Sasuke watched with some amusement as the ugly old hat was placed on her head. The Sakura he first joined Team Seven with would have dropped dead before allowing that thing near her hair.

Sakura looked quite cheerful up there, he noted. Not at all like she was having a mental debate with a sentient hat. He remembered what he'd been told of Sakura's first Chuunin exam fight against Ino, and what had happened when the girl tried invading her mind with her clan's jutsu. It hadn't been very successful.

With almost an exasperated huff, the hat yelled, "Ravenclaw!"

There was applause, and Sakura smiled politely as she handed the hat back to McGonagall. She met both he and Naruto's gazes as she went to sit at the blue and bronze table. Naruto will be Gryffindor, then.

More names, more polite applause.

"Uchiha, Sasuke."

He could feel eyes on his arm, and the interested murmurs arose once more. Whatever. He tried to look as dignified as he could when the hat was placed on his head, and he steadfastly did not look at Naruto as he allowed the thing into his mind.

"Ah, another supposed exchange student. My, you have quite a colourful past, don't you?"

"Just sort me already."

"Mm, your friend already explained it. You need someone in Gryffindor and someone in Slytherin, I know."

"Hurry it up."

"Yes, yes. Hmm, but you are so very interesting… Left your village to pursue what seemed at the time to be an impossible goal… Returned to fight for what you believed to be right… Stuck to your ideals and fought nearly to the death before you accepted defeat… Oh, you plan ahead and certainly have brains, and you're no stranger to hard work, but goodness can you be stubborn and headstrong. A moon alien princess? How interesting. Yes, this behaviour is very much— Gryffindor!"

"What the fu—"

The hat was plucked from his head, and he was ushered down to the red and gold table. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Sasuke was dimly aware of the congratulations he received as he sat down, because Uzumaki, Naruto had taken his seat.

Kami, if he had looked half as ridiculous as Naruto did with that damned hat on his head.

Sasuke met Sakura's eyes from across the tables. She looked equally as nervous as he felt.

This would be fine. Naruto would be just fine in Hufflepuff by himself, like he said, and if they both ended up in Gryffindor then it still wouldn't be the end of the—

"Slytherin!"

Sasuke watched, despairing, as Naruto cheerfully joined the green and silver table, waving as though everything was absolutely fine when absolutely everything was going to shit and it had barely been a day.

Naruto saw Sasuke staring and waved at him, too, with a helpless sort of shrug.

Sasuke turned back to Sakura, and they both knew it.

They were doomed.