I do not own Ant-Man.

But I do have students like this in my class. And they are adorable.

The World's Greatest Storyteller

"Hey, man! Tell 'em about fightin' with Captain America, man!"

Scott Lang shook his head, attempting a casual air.

Cap!

"Naw, it's no big deal. I don't really wanna talk about it."

I touched the shield!

The World's Greatest Storyteller blew out an exasperated breath.

"Whhaatt? No way, man, listen, you guys-"

The "guys" leaned in with mild interest. Even Kurt managed to look away from his precious computer screen.

"So, homie, right, he's chillin' with some Starbucks iced miatoto and he gets this call from this dude he got into a fight with-"

Ah yes, Falcon. The man never at a loss for words.

". . . and he goes, 'hey, bro, we're going up against some super gnarly baddies and we need your help to get an old man and his bro out to Siberia pronto, man'-"

That's not exactly the conversation that took place.

"-and he says 'yeah, man, anything to help out The Cap, you know'-"

I did not call him 'The Cap'. No one just calls him 'The Cap'.

"-so they send him a plane ticket, coach, right, 'cause they don't have no money-"

Hang on, what?

"- and pick him up hostage style, you know, in a panel van and drive him out to Led Zeppelin, Germany, or something-"

Oh my god, you are insane.

"-and there's these big dudes there, The Cap's buddies, and they got like wings and metal arms and stuff-"

Okay, that's relatively accurate.

"And homie here, he just licks all up and down Captain America-"

I did not! I just . . . squeezed his biceps a little.

"-'cause he's, like, The Man, you know, right? And they get all suited up-"

Well, he is The Man.

"-The Cap, he's like all clairvigilant-"

Clairvoyant, numbnuts. And no, he's not, he's just very pragmatic and understands his opponent.

"-tells my man here, 'yo, you best hide up on my shield in case they pull some tricks or something, homie'-"

I will never not envision Captain America saying 'yo' and 'homie' now. Thank you for that.

"-and he does it, right, which is good 'cause they got their own little, like, insect, the Human Spider-"

Spiderman. He, uh, introduced himself politely like he was at a ComiCon convention.

"-and he flips around from out of nowhere and steals The Cap's shield with Scottie here on it-"

Please don't call me Scottie.

"-but my man here pops up and steals it back, right, and says, 'yo Cap, I nicked back yer shit, bro'-"

I could never say that to Captain America!

But The World's Greatest Storyteller could not be contained.

"-and gives it back to him like a boss, man-"

Well, thank you very much. I think.

"-and that Stark guy, man, he's just mouthing off like a little bit-"

Whoa, cool down there-

"-and everyone splits up and starts fightin', man, and our socio here gets all s&m with this smokin' hot chick all in leather-"

No, we . . . well, she . . . I mean, I . . . okay that's pretty accurate.

"-and he gets all little and runs all up and down her-"

Uh, that's not . . . what . . . ahhh . . .

"-until she zaps him, man, kills his score, right-"

Whoa, uh, I don't think-

"-like, totally knocks him out, man-"

Here the World's Greatest Storyteller paused, poorly failing to stifle his giggles.

Ah come on, man.

Before regaining control of himself and continuing his epic tale.

"-but it's ok 'cause he's all resilient with super bug power-"

With what?!

"-and when he wakes from his little electrical siesta, he super shrinks a big ol' tanker, bro, and he's says to The Cap, man-"

Oh man, here we go again.

"-'hey, homie, pop it off at this little circle thing, brah'-"

I never said that! I don't even know what means.

"-and The Cap does and, man, it likes blows up everything, man-"

Well, no, not everything. Not technically. Just the truck.

"-dead bodies just flyin' everywhere-"

There were no dead bodies! That is a complete fabrication!

The World's Greatest Storyteller, however, was a roll.

"-and our buddy, Scott, here's just like, 'oh my bad, bro, my bad'-"

I did not say that to The Cap. I mean, Cap. I mean Captain Amer- . . . oh crap.

"-but The Cap, man, he's so focused and determined to get his buddy to Indonesia-"

Siberia, man. It's Si-, never mind.

"-that he don't even ground him or nothing, man, which is good 'cause my grandma-"

Dave waved a hand not holding a pancaked fork.

"Whoa, whoa, veer back, man, reverse-"

The World's Greatest Storyteller chuckled goodnaturedly and grinned, resetting himself.

"Oh yeah, sorry, my bad, my bad-"

Good Lord, it's like herding chickens. I think.

"Anyway, yeah, so they're like all running around everywhere and they line up like at the OK Corral or something, man, like they're gonna-"

Here The World's Greatest Storyteller imployed a series of passable gunfire noises and gestures.

That he might have witnessed firsthand from a childhood spaghetti western or two.

"- throw down or something, man, and there's even a spaceman-"

He's not exactly a spaceman. His orb or whatever comes from a different dimen- Ok, so the spaceman . . .

"-cutting up a line in the street, like, 'you shall not pass, right'-"

Ok, now you're just ad-libbing this entire thing.

"-and making this big speech while everyone comes flyin' in, right, with all their superhero jumps and stuff-"

Yeah, that was pretty impressive.

"-and then they all start running and running and homie here is like, man, I already been fightin' and I don't have no super energy like my man The Cap here-"

Ok, first, I am not gay for The Cap. I mean Steve. And secondly, I was not thinking that. Much.

"-and then oh my god, man, oh my god, dude-"

The World's Greatest Storyteller appeared to be on the edge of full out implosion with excitement.

Which would have been unfortunate before concluding his factual retelling. He was, after all, a stickler for the details.

"-he got blasted right into the IronMan suit with an arrow going, like, a million miles an hour-"

Well, no, not exactly-

"-and he dives right in, bro, and IronMan doesn't even know he's there until homie here starts talkin' smack, bro, and he's tearing up all this stuff and knockin' out the pee system-"

Whoa, what? I never-

"-until the guy flushes him out, yeah, man, like a toliet, man-"

No, it wasn't! It was highly pressurized-

"-but that don't stop my boy here, man, he just keeps goin', and says, 'hey, man, I'm gonna bust up the house, man, and you're gonna see something cray-cray, right'-"

I did not say any of that.

"-'and if I die, homes, I die', and then he hooks up with this flyin' suit-"

I did what?

"-and he presses that button, man, and, and, and . . ."

The World's Greatest Storyteller trailed off then, clearly too overcome to continue.

"Well, what happened next?" asked a moderately interested Kurt with a wide-eyed Dave at his side.

The World's Greatest Storyteller grinned and shrugged, stuffing his hands down into the pockets of his slouchy jeans.

"I don't know, man. Ask Scott, man. It's his story."

Uhhhhhh . . .

Yes, Luis.

All I want is to get Morgan Freeman and Luis to color commentate, well, anything. It would be epic.

And unintelligible.

Anyway, love Luis.

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