Chapter One: Everything Will Break

Bella's POV

Fucking memorial.

The letters people were writing. The pictures they were putting up. The flowers they were placing on the ground. It was all bullshit. It was just a way for people to get attention as they looked at the locker.

As they looked at his locker.

He was the boy everyone liked. He was a state champion in swimming and the star pitcher on the baseball team. He did community service and got good grades and went to school dances. He high-fived people in the hallway and he smiled. He was the golden boy who could do no wrong. The boy who could do no wrong and couldn't fail anyone.

Well...he failed me.

He failed me the second he wrote the note. He failed me when he illegally purchased those pills. He failed me when he took a cocktail of different narcotic drugs and let himself die. He failed me when he killed himself.

He failed me when he killed himself.

"Miss Swan?" A teacher's voice whispered quietly as I stood and stared at the locker that used to belong to my brother. The locker that used to belong to my twin that was now dedicated to him with notes and pictures. "Miss Swan, the bell rang."

"So?"

"So, it's time for you to get to class."

"Look, I know you're new here," I snapped, turning to the teacher that had just started working at our school in the fall. "But I think you should just let me be."

"I know..."

"You don't know...anything!" I snapped as I felt a big pair of hands wrap around mine. I turned around and saw Marcus with pleading eyes begging me not to get into a screaming match with a teacher. I forgot all about Miss Whoever and walked away with him into an empty classroom.

"Hey," He whispered, touching his finger to my chin and forcing me to look at him.

"I'm fine, Marcus."

"You're yelling at teachers,"

"I was standing at my dead brother's locker!" I yelled. "I just needed...time and that fucking bitch was telling me to get to class!"

"They're just trying to keep things as normal as they can."

"How do you know?"

"I work in the office, remember?"

"It's not normal." I shook my head. "It's only been three weeks, how can they possibly think things are going to be normal?"

"I'm not saying that they think things will be normal, I'm just saying they're trying..."

"Well, they shouldn't try."

"Bella,"

"It doesn't matter how hard you try," I shook my head. "Sometimes...no matter how hard you try it will never be enough."

"You know you couldn't have done anything else..."

"He was my twin brother, Marcus!" I cried. "He was practically crying out to me and I...didn't see it! Because we were going in different directions, I couldn't see how completely...helpless he was."

"Except he wasn't crying out, Bella," Marcus whispered as he hugged me tightly. "No one could have seen it coming. If you of all people couldn't sense something was wrong, he was hiding everything really fucking well."

"I should have seen it,"

"You couldn't have..."

"Miss Swan. Mr. Vega. I don't know exactly what you're doing in here, but I suggest you leave and get to the first period." Our principle said sternly as he opened the door to the classroom. I flipped him off before grabbing my bag and pushing past him.

I walked the halls I'd walked a hundred times before. Except now...after everything that had happened, they seemed different. They were smaller somehow. As I walked to my history class, I could feel them closing in on me and I suddenly found myself running. I ran into the first door I could see and found myself in the freshman girls bathroom.

I was trapped. I was forever trapped in this universe where I existed, but my brother didn't. I was forced to live in this world without him and the more I thought about it, the harder it became to breathe.

I told my mother that I wasn't ready to go back to school yet. I knew it was going to be too painful, but she needed to be the good mother. The mother who forced her daughter to go back to school only three weeks after the death of her brother. She needed to be the mother who pretended like it was all okay and who kept it together for the daughter who wasn't dead.

For the daughter that didn't kill herself.

After hyperventilating for a while, I ran from the bathroom and left the school. I just couldn't be there. Every corner I turned, I saw my brother's face. Sometimes he was the happy person everyone...including myself...saw on a daily basis. Other times...he was calling out for help and I just couldn't face that pain yet.

I wasn't ready.

I got into the car we used to share and made my way to the cemetery. It was the place I'd been going since the day he was buried there because it was the only place that I could be with him. Most days, I'd just sit there. But other days, I would bring a journal to write in and I would start writing him letters. Some of the letters were crying about how much I missed him. Other letters were me yelling at him for being so selfish for leaving this earth too soon.

Today...I just missed him.

When I got there, though, I wasn't alone. I could recognize that long, black hair anywhere and took a deep breath as I approached his grave.

"Hi, Bree," I whispered.

"Oh," She jumped. "I'm sorry, Bella. I just needed...I'll go."

"You don't have to," I nodded. "I usually just sit here with...him. You can stay."

"Okay," She nodded as I sat down in the grassy space near all the fresh dirt.

Bree was the only one who seemed to understand the pain I was going through. She wasn't trying to hide her pain like Marcus or pretend what was happening wasn't happening like my mother. She was also in a great deal of pain and she wasn't afraid to show it. She was grieving just like everyone else...except it was different.

Bree had been in love with my brother since freshman year and he'd been in love with her too.

Maybe it was puppy love. Maybe it was that kind of love you feel in high school, but once you get away that love fades away. Maybe it was the real deal. I would never know and neither would she. But...whatever kind of love it was, it was...intense. Bree was the other person I was shocked couldn't see anything coming.

"I'm surprised to see you here," I whispered after we'd been sitting together for a while. I'd been coming here almost every day and I had yet to see her here. She didn't even come to the cemetery the day of the funeral. She went straight to where the wake was being held.

"I needed to come," She nodded sadly. "I wasn't ready before but now...I am..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Bree. I know..." I looked down at the dirt. "I know how painful this is."

"My pain doesn't even compare to yours..."

"Pain is pain," I gulped. "My pain is just...different." I shrugged as I opened my journal. I sat there for a long time, writing down my feelings and silently crying out for help. He would have been so pissed at Mom for forcing me to go to school before I was ready and I wrote to him about that. I wrote to him about how trapped I felt in that school now that he was gone and how irritating it was that they trying to treat me like every other student at that school.

Bree got up and left, but I didn't even know she had gone. When I was here, I was pretty consumed by what I was doing and my grief. I wished I could have at least said goodbye to her, but this was a time no one could get through to me. I was so absorbed in my thoughts, I didn't even hear the approaching footsteps.

"Hey, kiddo," Phil's voice said from behind me, snapping me out of my trance. I turned around and looked up at my stepfather who had been with us since we were six years old. No one would ever be able to replace my Dad, who was still living in the small town we were born in, but he was incredible with my brother and me.

"What are you doing here?" I asked as he sat down next to me.

"The school called," He sighed. "They said you disappeared after the bell for first period rang."

"Are you here to punish me?" I snapped. "Yell at me?"

"No, I'm here to make sure you're okay,"

"I'm not."

"I know you aren't okay...emotionally," He whispered. "I just needed to make sure you were still alive."

"I'm not going to kill myself!" I snapped as tears started pulling in my eyes. "I just wasn't ready to go back to school and Mom is so absorbed in making sure that she does what she's supposed to do that she didn't even realize I was panicking this morning."

"She's doing her best," He whispered and I knew he was right. I couldn't even imagine how she was feeling. He was my twin and my best friend, but he was her son. She'd given birth to him and promised to protect him from everything in this scary world. She was grieving in a way I would...hopefully...never understand.

"I know," I nodded, looking down at the ground. "I felt claustrophobic there and I just had to get out."

"I understand,"

"Does Mom know I skipped school?"

"I got to the phone before she did," He nodded. "But, you need to tell her that you left school. And I think you need to tell her why."

"She'll just send me to a shrink."

"If you don't tell her, I will, Bella," He nudged me. "And I don't want to be the bad guy."

"I'll tell her," I agreed. We sat together at his grave for a bit longer before both of our stomachs started growling. We stood up and walked over to our cars and I watched as he drove away back to work. I drove home and was surprised to see my Mom's car parked in the driveway at this time of day. She'd already used up her vacation and sick days and it was also her first day back at work. I got out of the car and walked into our small but cozy house.

"Mom?" I called through the house and headed upstairs to my bedroom. As I approached his bedroom, it was cracked open and I could hear muffled cries as I stood in front of it. I gently pushed the door open and bit my lip when I saw my Mother sitting on his bed, hugging his pillow to her chest.

"Mom?" I asked and she jumped off the bed and smiled at me. She was pretending she was okay even though she clearly wasn't. She placed the pillow back in it's place and crossed her arms over her chest.

"Bella, what are you doing here, sweetie?"

"You don't have to pretend with me, Mom," I whispered as I sat down on his bed. This was the first time I'd stepped foot in his bedroom since I found him laying on his floor after he'd taken all those pills.

"I'm not, baby."

"Mom," I stared her down.

"My boss lets me take a half day," She admitted as she sat down next to me. "Going back was a lot harder than I thought it would be."

"I know," I knew she wasn't going to be able to keep acting like everything was okay. "I left school before the first period even started," I admitted. "I was suffocating, Mom."

"Honey, I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be back there," She wrapped her arms around me. "But you have to go back to school. It's the law and if I keep letting you skip then they're going to have to say something."

"I can't breathe there, Mom."

"We'll figure something out together," She smiled as she pushed the strands of hair that had fallen out of my ponytail out of my face and left me alone in his bedroom.

As I looked around, all the happy memories we'd made in this room got dimmer and dimmer. It didn't matter this is where we used to play Lego's when we were kids. It didn't matter this is where I sat and cried on his shoulder in the seventh grade when Maggie completely abandoned me for other friends and where he promised me to make her life miserable for hurting me. It didn't matter this was the room he told me he was in love with Bree and wanted to ask her out on a date.

None of that mattered anymore because when I looked around this room, all I saw was his dead body laying in front of his bed.

After I felt like I couldn't breathe again, I stood up and left the room, pulling the door shut after me. I went into my bedroom and closed to door and picked up the guitar he was in the middle of learning and laid down on my bed and began to strum. I didn't know what I was doing, but it was comforting to hear a guitar and remember that he wanted to learn how to play in an attempt to impress Bree at the talent show at the end of the school year.

"Bella! Marcus is here!" Mom called from downstairs and I set the guitar on the stand and went downstairs to find Marcus with a stack of my books in his hand.

"I thought if you didn't want to be at school, you'd at least want a distraction."

"Thanks," I reached out and grabbed the books from him and set them on the steps. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the living room. He sat down and I snuggled up against his chest and I felt more tears pooling in my eyes. I didn't want to keep crying, but I just couldn't help it.

Marcus had been his best friend since the fifth grade when Marcus moved here. They were inseparable and as I got to know Marcus, I started to fall in love with him. It hurt because I was always going to be his twin sister and nothing more. But, when sophomore years Homecoming dance came around, he got my brother's blessing and asked me out. I didn't think anything would actually happen after that, but we'd been happily dating ever since.

"Mrs. Dean was asking about you today," Marcus whispered as he soothingly rubbed my back.

"What did she ask?"

"Just about how you were doing and when you were planning on coming back," He whispered. "She didn't see that you had been in homeroom."

Mrs. Dean was the best English teacher at Maryvale and had always been more of a friend than a teacher to all her students. She was the one you talked to when you couldn't talk to your parents and she was the one who came early and stayed late the day of the viewing. She was sweet and kind and genuinely cared about her students. Especially now. She was the only one who continued to have an open door policy and didn't shy away from having tough discussions with students as they all grieved.

"I told her that it was still up in the air because I wasn't entirely sure what you were thinking."

"Mom says that because it's the law, I have to go back," I explained. "I don't think she really wants to send me, but she has to because I'm still a minor.

"We'll make this work, Bella..." He started to tell me before my cell phone started buzzing on the coffee table. When I looked at the clock on the old VCR, I saw that it was four o'clock which is when my Dad always had his break at the station. He'd always called my brother and me at this time of day and that didn't stop when he died.

"I'll be back," I tapped Marcus' leg and grabbed my phone to walk into the dining room we hardly ever used. "Hi, Dad."

"Hi, baby," He whispered quietly. Dad had taken this pretty damn hard since he was so far away from us when it happened. When Mom left and got full custody of us, she moved us to Phoenix when she got offered a new job. She was hesitant about taking Dad's only two kids so far away from him, but he still loved her. He knew how much the job meant to her and promised that they would make it work.

And they did make it work. Dad always called us once a day and he would come to us for holidays since he didn't have anyone up in Forks that he needed to be with. They wanted to make the holidays as happy and pleasant as they could and Dad always joined us for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner. Once Phil came into the picture, Mom was worried that it would put Dad in a mood, but Dad always liked Phil. I think it still hurt that she chose Phil over him, but he always only wanted Mom to be happy.

The two of us always spent most of the summer in Forks with Dad and that's when we got to really know him and our cousin, Jake. Jake was a year older than us and he never let us forget it, but he was like a second brother to me and the brother I knew my brother always needed. But, now those holidays and summer's didn't seem like enough time and I knew Dad was feeling guilty for not seeing us more.

"How was today?" He asked. "You mentioned your mother wanted you back in school."

"I made it to school and lasted about thirty minutes before I left," I explained. "It was too soon."

"You know I don't want to push you, but being in school might be good for you," He whispered and I smiled at how sweet and understanding he was being. He wasn't telling me it was the law for me to be in school, he was thinking about me and what was good for me. "It would be a good distraction."

"It would be if everywhere I looked I didn't see him standing there," I said solemnly. "I couldn't breathe, Dad."

"Well, tomorrow's a good day to try again," This was why I loved my Dad and why we got along so well. Don't get my wrong, I loved my mother but I had always gotten along way better with my Dad. That probably had a lot to do with the fact that Dad was far away most of the time, but we also had similar personalities. I had always been quieter like him and my brother had always been more outgoing like my Mom.

Which is probably why we worked so well together as siblings.

"You're right," I nodded. "How's Jake?" I asked. Jake, like everyone else in our family, had taken his death pretty hard and last I heard, he was starting to get into trouble at school. Even though we only got to see him and spend time with him once a year, he and my brother were extremely close and he was blaming himself for his death just like I was.

"He..." Dad took a deep breath. "He got himself suspended from school today."

"What happened?"

"Your uncle told me he got into a fight with a freshman who made some...stupid remark."

"A freshman?"

"Billy said the kid made some remark about this TV movie about suicide and how the girl was being overly dramatic. Jake overheard and beat the shit out of him."

"Is the kid going to be okay?"

"Jake broke his nose," Dad admitted. "But other than that, he'll be fine. It's hard being the chief of police when your nephew is the one causing problems."

"I'm sorry you had to deal with that today, Dad," I whispered because Jake had always been a good kid. Sure, he was kind of cocky and could be a douche at times, he never got into trouble. And Dad never had to deal with him as a cop before.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this every day," He whispered and I heard his breath catch. "You know that I'm here for you, right kid?"

"Of course, why wouldn't I?"

"Because maybe that wasn't clear before but..."

"Dad, don't," I bit my lip. "Ri...he was depressed and he hid it so damn well. Of course, he knew you were there for him and always had been. If I can't blame myself then you can't blame yourself either."

"I love you, Bells."

Tears started streaming down my cheeks as I looked up and noticed one of the hundreds of pictures Mom had hanging on the walls. It was one from our very first day of kindergarten and he was all ready to go with his racecar backpack and matching lunchbox. We were smiling so big at the camera and you could tell how normal things used to be. How happy everyone was.

"I love you too, Daddy," I cried as I felt arms wrapping around my waist.

"I hate to do this..."

"Your break is over," I sniffled as Marcus gave me a squeeze. "Go be a badass cop."

"I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Can't wait. Bye, Dad."

"Bye, sweetie." He hung up the phone and I turned in Marcus' arms to hug him.

"How's your father?" Mom asked as she leaned up against the wall.

"Like you care," I rolled my eyes and pushed past her to go back into the living room. Mom hadn't spoken one word to Dad since we found him dead in his bedroom. I wasn't sure exactly what the hell was going on with her, but Dad desperately needed her and she'd pushed him away like he was some stranger trying to offer her comfort.

"Bella," Marcus sighed as I plopped down on the sofa.

"I don't need a lecture, Marcus," I barked.

"Just be happy...right?" He repeated the words my brother had told me so many times when girls were being mean and guys were being jerks.

What a fucking lie.

"That's a lie," I shook my head. "Just like everything else."