My contribution to the River/Doctor appreciation day.
Thank you so much to seriesluvr for the beta-reading !
This story takes place just after the Doctor decides to settle down at the university. Hope you'll enjoy :)

The Doctor sat at his desk. His desk. He had a desk now. That was so unexpected. Everything was so weird. Pretending to be a professor – he was certainly overqualified for the job, but still – to have a quiet life, he knew it wasn't him. Although somehow, it felt good. He needed this. It helped him clear his mind. Or, to be perfectly honest with himself, it helped him mourn.

Mourning.

He was familiar with the feeling, but this time it was different. This time, he'd had a lifetime to get prepared. Since the beginning. Everything had been done with the shadow of it floating above them.

His eyes were attracted by the picture of River, standing next to the one of Susan. Two women he'd love in a different way, at a different time, with different hearts even, but both so, so deeply. He still did.

He didn't display photographs usually. He had some – most certainly one of each of his companion, yeah, definitely – but they were hidden in books and boxes in the TARDIS because they were too hard to look at.

But then, Susan was his granddaughter and he didn't feel so guilty about her. She had left him happy. As for River…

He'd felt guilty about her for the longest time of his life, because, obviously, she had died for him. But not just that. After that terrible event, he got to know her more and more and to realize how much she loved him. And she was proving it every time they crossed paths. And he had fallen in love with her too. He wasn't sure when exactly in the huge, beautiful mess that their life together had been, but he had fallen for her. With his entire soul. Always and completely.

But he couldn't express his feelings the way she did. He was too afraid, he never found the right time and place and even less the courage. Oh, he had brought her to romantic places, made her dance and shared his name with her. He'd carelessly hoped that it was enough, that she would understand how deeply he cared about her.

But then they found themselves in that spaceship's restaurant, River reduced to no more than a bait for the Doctor. River claiming that she had never been loved by him and being analyzed to prove she wasn't lying.

What a fool he had been to have forgotten how fragile she was on the inside. She'd needed him more than he'd imagined. She'd said that on the heat of the moment, of course, maybe she hadn't see the Doctor in a long time, maybe they'd seriously argued a short time before – he was never sure of the order of the events. But there was no doubt that the fear of not being loved back by the Doctor had always been hiding in the heart of River Song. Not enough. Not as much. She was definitely her father's daughter. He should have spent more time without adventures and fights (even if they both enjoyed that very much), and more time just for them being together. River Song could have looked as strong as the diamond on the outside, she was still just a person. An amazing, incredible, astonishing person with two hearts that needed to be reassured sometimes. He was so ashamed to have never noticed. She didn't deserve to think she hadn't been loved. That was so, so untrue.

When Darillium came, even with the promise of an upcoming final goodbye, he had seen an opportunity to make it up to her. He'd made his researches a long time ago. He knew about the twenty-four years, which didn't prevent him from cancelling the dates because, if twenty-four years were more than he'd ever hoped for, it was still – desperately – too short. It was still their last night.

So when he had accepted that he would bring River to Darillium this time, he'd decided that every single day would have as goal to show her he loved her with the infinity of stars. And he did. Those years had been intense, shadowed by moments of fear, of sadness and pain sometimes. The most of it had been pure joy and surprises. They had taken the time to know even more about each other – things that their exciting life hadn't let them see ; little secrets, little habits, and even more for River who'd never met this incarnation. They'd gone on a few adventures, of course, but they'd also lived hours in the warmth while a thunderstorm was raging outside, eggs after a long sleep, River catching a cold, arguments about foolishness, and… how unbelievable was that. Their first hug. They'd had to go as far as Darillium to hug for the first time. The Doctor smiled, and his hearts missed a beat. They went through everything together on Darillium. The Doctor had made sure his shoulder was always ready when she needed crying, though it only happened a few times. And he'd told her he loved her. And he said it again, and again, because suddenly he couldn't help it, suddenly his tongue had adopted the words.

Oh, River.

The Doctor took the photograph, caressing the picture with his thumb. He didn't feel guilty anymore. River had left him with this last gift : no guilt so he could mourn in peace. No guilt so he could let himself dive into the memories of her and getting out feeling better. With a little bit of sadness, of course, always. Sadness because he couldn't see her, speak to her, touch her and because he missed her so much. But sadness mixed up with happiness for these beloved years. With hope that stories don't always end bad. And with a lot of gratefulness for the chance he'd had to meet her, to love and be loved by her. Those kind of memories, he didn't have much of them.

The Doctor brought the picture to his mouth and gently kissed her forehead.

"You always knew what I needed, didn't you ?" he whispered.

Seeing her face every day was a comfort, a reminder of the fact that if life was often unfair and tough, it could also create miracles. Because she was one. She was created from strong love enveloped with time magic. She understood space and time like him. She was the child of the TARDIS. How many chances were there ?

She was unique, and the Universe was a little bit darker since she was gone.

A whole new chapter was beginning without her, but he would always carry a little bit of River Song in his hearts, and that's all that mattered.