Zhian'tara

Ezri completes her Zhian'tara, a ritual that allows joined Trill to meet and interact with their previous hosts. Based on the DS9 episode "Facets" and set about 6 months after the series finale.

Chapter 1

"You sure you don't want me to come with you?"

"I'm sure. I feel like I need to do this on my own, you know?"

"Well, you can't do it completely on your own. I'm actually looking forward to reprising the role of Torias Dax."

Ezri smiled at her breakfast companion, "I'm sure your repeat performance will be even more amazing than the first one."

"Doctor Bashir, you are needed in the infirmary immediately."

The doctor tapped his comm badge, "On my way," Julian stood from his seat, came to her side of the table and placed a gentle kiss on the tip of her nose, "I will see you when it's my turn, then," he said with a smile.

"Yes, I'll see you then."

Counselor Ezri Dax stood nervously at the airlock awaiting the docking of the transport vessel from Trill. She thought back through her previous zhian'taras and, for the ones she could remember at least, Dax had been a nervous wreck each time. Well, Curzon wasn't of course. He couldn't wait to impress his previous hosts with his inherent awesomeness. Dax laughed to herself- all her sane hosts had the decency to be nervous.

The airlock gear rolled away and travelers began to file off the ship. About halfway through the crowd she spotted the man she'd been communicating with over subspace. He was the same Guardian that had done this ceremony for Jadzia just five years ago.

"Lieutenant Dax, it is good to finally meet you. Again." he said with an amused smile.

She smiled in return, "Yes it is."

"May I present to you Tellaria Ru and Mathan Alore," the young man and woman traveling with the Guardian nodded respectfully, "They will be assisting us in the zhian'tara as you requested."

"Thank you both for being here. When you're the 9th host of a symbiont, it's sometimes hard to find enough willing friends to help out with this."

"We're more than happy to assist," the young man, Mathan, replied.

"Yes, I'm actually kind of excited about it," Tellaria added. We're both initiates and this is an amazing way to get a small taste of what it will be like to be a host."

"If we're chosen," Mathan added.

"Yes, of course."

"Well, if you're ready, I can show you to your quarters," Ezri said.

"That would be wonderful," the Guardian replied, "Thank you."

The group headed toward the guest quarters section of the habitat ring. Mathan and Tellaria chatted on endlessly about their trip on the transport ship and the station itself. Ezri was quiet. A little too quiet, the Guardian thought to himself. Then again, he'd done this more times than he could count and nervous hosts were pretty standard.

They first stopped at the initiates' rooms, both of them raving about how exciting this all was. The last stop was for the Guardian.

"You know Ezri, in the end this is always a good experience," he said.

"What makes you think I'd feel any other way?"

He smiled, "The look on your face is that of someone about to be lead off to prison."

Ezri sighed, "It's that obvious?"

"Don't worry, everyone is nervous. You should have seen Jadzia."

"Did you request to do my zhian'tara because you did hers?" she asked.

"The Symbiosis Commission felt as if my experience in dealing with the Dax symbiont would be valuable, especially since Jadzia's did not go… smoothly."

Dax remembered now, "Curzon," she stated simply.

"Yes. So let's hope no one decides to go rogue this time," he said with a smile. But deep down he was a little worried.

Ezri laughed nervously, "Yes let's hope not."

"The two hosts that Mathan and Tellaria are embodying, they are your most recent hosts correct?"

"Yes, Curzon and Jadzia," she replied.

The Guardian nodded, "I will allow more time for them. The most recent ones are the most impactful to the current host, you already have multiple memories of zhian'taras with the rest. And it is your most recent hosts that shape your personality the most," he paused and then added, "They are also the ones that cause the most apprehension."

Ezri nodded, "On that we definitely agree."

He smiled as warmly as he could, trying his best to put her at ease, "I will let you and the others rest tonight. Tomorrow morning I will meet you at your quarters first thing to begin."

"Thank you. Have a good night."

Lela, Dax's first host, handled Ezri's entry into her zhian'tara like the pro that she was- this was after all her seventh time doing this with Dax's latest host. She was patient and gracious, her calming demeanor and witty anecdotes put Ezri at ease. Next was Tobin. Ezri quickly identified with him, she told him she thought she inherited quite a few of his traits- her tendency to be indecisive and to doubt herself to name a few. He quickly apologized for that.

Emony was amused to hear that Ezri enjoyed standing on her head as a way to relax and meditate. Audrid gave her some great advice on how to handle the strained relationship she had with her family. Torias seemed to be the host she was the least like, but it make her feel good to know that perhaps she could draw on some of his fearlessness every now and then, perhaps when her Tobin traits were taking over too much.

Ezri chose to forgo meeting Joran, a decision the Guardian was very pleased with. She'd had her own encounter of sorts with him already about a year ago and had no need to repeat that experience. That left Dax's last two hosts. She'd met the first five hosts over a two day period, but they were setting aside a full day each for her to interact with Curzon and Jadzia, maybe longer depending on how it went.

The next morning began like the previous two had. The Guardian showed up bright and early. He prepped the altar and began the memory transfer quickly. Once he established that the connection was made, he excused himself to allow Ezri private time with the host.

As the Guardian left her quarters that morning, Ezri nervously stood with her hands firmly placed behind her back (thanks to Lela.) Curzon didn't say anything to her at first. Instead he casually paced the room admiring the body he was in. He found a mirror on the wall and stood before it for a few minutes, preening. Ezri waited patiently.

Finally, he sat, "So no Changelling this time, eh?"

"No, not this time."

"That's probably for the best, I'd just get myself into trouble again. Though this body is pretty nice too… young and strong," Curzon said as he tapped his borrowed chest with his fist a few times, "Why does this place look like the station where we had Jadzia's zhin'tara?"

Ezri gulped nervously, "That's because it is. I took a posting on DS9 when I was given the Dax symbiont after Jadzia's death."

"So how long has it been? Jadzia's zhin'tara feels like it was just yesterday to me."

"That was about five years ago," Ezri replied.

"Five years?" Curzon's eyes widened in shock, "That's it? What the hell happened?"

Hearing this gruff and domineering voice come out of such a young man was a little unsettling, "The Federation was at war and Jadzia was killed about a year and a half ago," Ezri decided to spare him the details.

Curzon shook his head slowly; a cloud of grief shrouded his face, "Such a short life. Jadzia was amazing; as you know I had the distinct pleasure of knowing her before she was joined. I'd never met a woman like her and coming from me that's saying a lot. For her life to end so soon, for her time with Dax to have been so brief breaks my heart."

Slowly Ezri sat in the chair across from his, "I'm sorry."

"So then what the hell are you doing here in the same place she lived? That doesn't make any sense."

Curzon certainly didn't have any problem saying exactly what he felt. Ezri hadn't seemed to inherit those qualities from him, at least not yet. She was definitely more like Tobin or Lela than Curzon, "I thought coming back here would make my transition into being a Dax easier."

"Easier? Is that what they're teaching initiates these days, to do what's easy?"

"I was never an initiate," Ezri admitted sheepishly, "I was an officer on the ship transporting the Dax symbiont back to Trill. It was wartime and we were attacked. The symbiont was injured and had to be joined immediately or Dax would have died and I was the only Trill on board."

"So you have no training at all?" Curzon asked.

"They gave some guidance after it was all over. But formally, no."

Curzon leaned forward in his chair, "You're telling me that Jadzia, an initiate who went through the program twice, has been followed up by someone who lucked into a symbiont? Why didn't they re-assign Dax once you got to Trill?"

Ezri was taken aback by what he was implying, "Because that would have killed me!"

"The life of the symbiont is far more valuable than that of the host. Every Trill knows that."

Now she was getting upset. "I volunteered to help, not be murdered. I'm Dax's host now and I'm doing a damn good job of it. I can't lie, it's been hard, but I'm doing it."

Curzon seemed to respond to her standing up to him and changed his tone a bit, "Tell me, what were those last few years like for Jadzia?"

Ezri softened as well, "She was very happy, she loved her life here on DS9. Her friends were here, her husband-"

"Her husband?"

"That's right," Ezri replied, "She hadn't met Worf yet when you had your zhian'tara. Jadzia married a fellow officer a little less than a year before she died."

"Worf sounds like a Klingon name."

"It is. At the time, he was the only Klingon serving in Starfleet."

Curzon smiled, "I bet she couldn't resist him."

Ezri returned the smile, "No, she couldn't."

"Wait a minute… Jadzia died while serving here on DS9? And she was married?"

"Yes."

"And you came to live on the station after her death?"

"That's right."

"What about her husband? Was he still here?"

"Yes, he was still here. He stayed about a year after her death before moving to the Klingon Homeworld."

Confrontational Curzon was back, "Why in the hell would you come live alongside her husband? Didn't they at least bother to tell you about reassociation?"

"Given my situation they've given me a little leeway when it came to that."

"Did you even think of what it must have been like for him to have you walking around here, reminding him of his dead wife every day," Curzon grunted, "And they say I'm self-centered!"

"I asked Worf and he said he was fine with me staying here," Ezri answered defensively.

"Just because he gave you permission to be a selfish child doesn't mean you should have done it."

"Look Curzon, I was thrown into this situation and I have done the best I could. I needed to be near familiar things or I thought I might lose my mind. I know that I am not The Great Jadzia. I'm reminded at every turn how amazing, how wonderful she was and how barely adequate I am."

"If you feel like you're living in her shadow," Curzon replied, "It's because you put yourself there."

Ezri was silent. She had no response because she knew Curzon was right.

"Go out and make a life of your own, that's what hosts are supposed to do. You gave yourself a year and a half to ease into all this. Now do what a host is meant to do- gain unique and enriching experiences for the symbiont. That's who it works. All you're doing now is reliving the life Jadzia already had."

"I think you might be right," Ezri whispered.

"I know I am!" Curzon exclaimed, "So is that it then?"

Ezri's eyes widened, "You mean for our time together? Don't you want to tell me more about yourself?"

"Not really," he said dismissively, "Everything you need to know about me you'll get once you have my memories again. I don't even know why they keep resurrecting us every time someone dies. Lela must really be sick of it. Besides, if I stay in this body too long I won't want to give it up."

"Oh," Ezri was clearly disappointed. She'd wanted to actually talk to him about herself and get advice from him beyond his fussing at her for not being Jadzia.

"There is one piece of advice I have for you," he began as he sat back in his chair, "Don't ever get married."

"What?"

"When I died, I was an old man. I saw it coming a kilometer away. I had time to prepare; I even got to choose who the next Dax would be. But you said Jadzia died suddenly, correct?"

"Yes, but what's that got to do with me getting married?"

"You'll see what I mean when you meet her next. My zhian'tara was Torias's first after his death. The last memory he had before sitting in that room with me was of his shuttle plunging towards the ground. When he awoke after the Guardian transferred his memories he was hysterical, I had to watch him cry for three hours. He begged me to take him to see his wife and I would have had I known where she was. I vowed then and there never to put myself through that. There's no such thing as being married for life when you're a joined Trill. Just married until it's time to move to the next body."

"That seems like a very narrow view of things."

"Alright, you're a big girl. But don't say I didn't warn you."

Ezri's Dax's steps were quick and deliberate. She was headed to the infirmary and was hoping Julian wasn't too busy to talk. She really needed to talk. It was a shame there was no counselor for the counselor on the station.

"Ezri! Done with Curzon so soon?"

"Yes," she said with a sigh.

Dr. Bashir could see she wasn't in a good mood, "How was it?"

"I don't even know. It wasn't what I expected at all. Are you busy?"

"Let's take a walk," he answered.

The two headed out of the infirmary for the promenade, "I take it he wasn't as charming as Torias?"

"Not even close. He damn near cried when I told him Jadzia was dead. Then he berated me for every choice I've made as a host."

"Jadzia had a hard time with him as well."

"He's manipulative, selfish and arrogant," Erzi sighed, "And worst of all he was right."

"Right?"

"I feel like I live in Jadzia's shadow and he reminded me that's only because I put myself here. I came back to her home, to her friends, to her job. And then I get annoyed that people compare us and expect me to be like her. Of course they do!"

"What does he know?" Julian said dismissively.

"Everything! He was an initiate supervisor and member of the symbiosis commission for years. He trained dozens of hosts. He knows what this is supposed to be like. And what I've done isn't right."

"You didn't have the benefit of training like Jadzia did. Maybe picking up where she left off was for the best."

"That's what I told him. That's what I've been telling myself…"

They paused by one of the big oval windows on the upper level of the promenade and looked out into space together, "But you don't believe it anymore, do you?" Julian asked quietly.

"I don't know. I mean, am I living my life, or hers?"

"There's someone that can help you answer that, you know."

She sighed again, "I know. And I'm terrified to meet her."

"Jadzia won't be like Curzon," Julian paused, "At least, I think she won't be."

Ezri smirked and looped her arm in his, "Gee, thanks."

Julian looked down at her soberly, "If you are indeed living Jadzia's life, then what does that mean for us?"

Ezri kept her eyes fixed on the stars out the window, "I think I'm going to have to ask her."

Ezri had barely been able to sleep, so when her door chimed earlier than she expected that morning she was relieved. She was ready to get on with it, to face the woman she'd been trying to live up to for the past year and a half.

"Enter."

Tellaria Ru entered Ezri's quarters, a bright smile on her face, "I hope I'm not too early. I couldn't sleep."

Ezri smiled sincerely, "Me neither."

"Then you're excited too, huh?"

"More nervous than excited. Can I get you anything? Raktajino perhaps?"

"No thank you."

Ezri ordered two raktajinos from her replicator. She placed one on the table in front of Tellaria and took a sip from the other.

"Oh, I didn't want one."

"It's not for you, it's for Jadzia. She hates getting up early and will most definitely want one. I never drank them until I was joined."

"I see. I never cared for it either but we will see if that changes in a few minutes," Tellaria replied, "Between you and me, this will probably be the closest I get to being a host. So I'm excited to have even this small taste of it."

Ezri took another sip, "Why do you say that?"

Tellaria shook her head, "I haven't been doing very well. The competition is so fierce, even the smallest mistake can get you washed out. I have wanted to be joined all my life, I've done everything I could to position myself for selection. I was the first person in my family to even be accepted into the program. But I have a feeling after this, I'll be getting my dismissal letter."

Ezri suddenly felt embarrassed. She had a symbiont she never wanted, and this young lady worked all her life for a symbiont she'd never get, "Then hopefully this experience will be a memorable one for you."

"I hope so too."

The door chime rang again, this time it was the Guardian. Ezri granted him entrance and he began working quickly and quietly. He filled the cauldron with liquid from the symbiont pools and solemnly said a few words in Trill as he lit the candle at the center of it. He watched the flame grow before quietly saying, "It's time."

The two women walked over to him, Tellaria on his right and Erzi on his left, "Now, I must caution you, the first zhin'tara for a host can sometimes be disconcerting. All the memories the Dax symbiont made while joined to Jadzia will be transferred to you, Tellaria. Jadzia may be very confused or distressed at first. You are ultimately in control and should be able to reassert yourself over Jadzia's personality if it gets to be too intense."

"Should be able to?" Tellaria asked.

"There have been instances of strong host presences that have completely dominated the temporary host. That is very rare, though."

She nodded

"Let's begin."

The Guardian began chanting ancient Trill words that Ezri was now hearing for the seventh time. Ezri felt a knot in the pit of her stomach, her nerves we so bad right now she thought she might be sick. She tried to focus herself by breathing slowly and deeply.

Tellaria's neck went limp and her shoulders slumped. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, she lifted her head. Her eyes blinked rapidly and the look on her face was panicked. She looked around the room frantically- she was clearly on DS9 but something wasn't right. She looked down at her hands. These were not her hands. She touched her hair and ran her hands over her body.

"No, no, no, no…" she whispered.

"Jadzia?" The Guardian asked gently.

She looked at him, and then at the liquid filled altar before them, "I know you. You're a guardian; you presided over my zhian'tara…"

"I did," he replied.

She looked beyond the Guardian to the woman standing on the other side of him, "Then who are you?" she asked.

Ezri gulped, "My name is Ezri. Ezri Dax."

What do you think Jadzia's reaction will be? Please review!