Episode 0 - Pilot/Qrow was toooooooo Drunk

It was a quiet and peaceful summer night on the island of Patch. Everyone was either spending their time in bed getting some well deserved sleep, or doing whatever counted as nightlife on the small island.

In the midst of the island was a small cabin made of woods, and in that cabin was a little 15 year old girl, snoozing off in the land of dreams.

Ruby Rose was quietly asleep in her bed, dreaming of swimming through oceans of chocolate chip cookies, weapons and puppies. But said dreaming was interrupted when her Uncle Qrow stumbled into her room and collapsing on the floor with a loud thud and woke her up.

"R-Ruby, get-Burp-get up! w-w-We got stuff we got to do," He said as he lifted his face off the floor.

"Uncle Qrow? Is that you?" Ruby asked as she sat up and rubbed her eyes all sleepy like.

"T-th-that's not important now R-Burp-Ruby, we go some s-serious stuff to work on."

Qrow then got up from the floor and went over to the edge of Ruby's bed and grabbed her leg from under the covers, and began to drag her out of her bed.

"C-come on now Ruby, l-l-lets go."

"Hey! Uncle Qrow!" Ruby yelled as she felt herself being pulled out of her bed and onto the ground.

"D-d-don't worry about it-don't worry about it Ruby-Burp. I'll explain everything-Burp-later," Qrow said as he dragged Ruby out of her room, and down the stairs.

Qrow continued to drag Ruby till they were both out of the house and in front of the garage behind the house. Qrow finally let go of Ruby, who had a few scratches, carpet burns and dirt all over her.

"Oww," Ruby moaned as she felt herself become free from her uncles clutches

Qrow let go the of Ruby's leg and wobbled over to the garage door, where he pounded the side of the door a couple of times before a little slit in the wall opened up, revealing a small scanner for eyes. Qrow put his eye an inch away from the scanner and the machine came to life and scanned his eye.

'Qrow Branwen identified! Welcome!' A feminine mechanical voice responded before the door unlocked.

Qrow then walked right into the shed, followed by Ruby who was trying to pull some twigs out of her hair. He turned the light on in the garage, revealing a bunch of science stuff all around the room. Things like tables with beakers and jars filled with all sorts of liquids, lots of weird high tech stuff, a few shelves with books and random tools, even a bunch of extraterrestrial equipment.

Speaking of extraterrestrial, in the middle of the shed was what looked like a stereotype flying saucer, except it looked like it was made for some B-rated movie. It was made of scrap metal and what looked like junk car parts, had trash cans for engines. The bottom was also a foot above the ground, revealing car wheels under it.

Qrow went over to the corner of room, where there was a coat rack with a dirty white lab coat with little bits of beer stains on it. He put the lab coat on and weakly reached behind his back to pull his cape from under the lab coat.

"Okay-Burp-Ruby, are-are you ready?"

"Ready for what Uncle Qrow?" Ruby asked.

"Just G-get in Ruby," Qrow said as he went over to the U.F.O car and opened the passenger seat, letting a bunch of empty bottles of what use to be filled with alcohol fall out.

"Uhm, okay. Where are we going though?" Ruby said as she slowly got into the car, trying to avoid the empty bottles.

"I'll t-tell you-Burp-on the way," Qrow said as he shut the passenger door and got into the driver seat.

Once Qrow got into the driver's seat, he pressed a few buttons of the dashboard and the car began to start up.

"Um, uncle Qrow? Have you been drinking again?" Ruby asked.

"I-I-i'm fine Ruby. I didn't-Burp-have that much at the bar. Just a-Burp-little drink was all."

"Are you sure you're okay to drive?"

"Sure, whatever."

Qrow then put the car into gear and pressed his foot on the pedal. The car sped out of the garage at an alarmingly fast rate towards the house. Ruby let out a scream as she thought they were going to crash into the house, but much to her amazement/surprise, the car flew up into the air high above the clouds.

"Like my new car Ru-burp-Ruby? I made it myself out of some old stuff I f-found at the junkyard."

"Wow, it's so cool!" Ruby said as she watched everything below her fly by."

"Y-you bet it is, but anyway, w-w-we-Burp-we got some business we have to do. Ruby, w-what if-what if I told you I could eliminate all Grimm on R-Remnant?"

"What!? Really?" Ruby asked in amazement

"You bet, I just have to destroy a-all life on-burp-remnant."

"Oh okay... WAIT WHAT?!"

"Yep, j-just got to destroy all life on Remnant Ruby."

"EXCUSE ME?!"

"D-don't worry Ruby. I have this-burp-whole thing figured out. First w-we have to f-f-find you some person to get with. N-Burp-normally I wouldn't approve, b-but it's for the sake of alllllllllllll of Remnant Ruby."

"Ugh, Uncle Qrow."

"Then, we j-just arm the bomb I made, and then we just d-d-drop it right on Vale."

"Uncle Qrow."

Y-you know what, we don-we don't need to p-pic up some guy. Gonna be nothing but trouble" Qrow said as he pressed a few keys on the dashboard.

'ARMING NUTRINO BOMB' A synthetic voice said from the dashboard.

"UNCLE QROW!"

"Wha-what do you want?"

"We can't just end all life on remnant!"

"I know-I know you think this is a bad idea, but t-trust me Ruby e-everything is going to be okay Ruby."

"Okay you totally had a bit too much to drink!" Ruby yelled as she tried to reach for the wheel.

"Whoa what-what are you doing Ruby?

"I can't let you destroy all life on Remnant!" Ruby said as she tried to take control for the wheel, engaging her uncle in the age old combat style known as slap fighting.

"C-cut it out!"

"No!"

"Come-come on Ruby!"

"Uncle Qrow!"

O-okay geez fine! Someone's grumpy. Fine I-I'll land," Qrow said as he prepared to land on a random spot.

The car landed on a small patch of land in the middle of what looked to be the emerald forest, and Qrow opened his door to walk out, but fell face first onto the ground, Ruby leaning over to see if he was okay.

"You-you did good ruby, you k-know why? That was alllll just a test."

"A test?"

"Yeeeuuup! Just-just one huge test to see if you h-had any faith still in mankind. Goo-good work R-Burp-Ruby. You get a shmenacy."

As Qrow tried to ramble on nonsense, his body finally gave in to the "small" amount of alcohol he had and passed out. Ruby let out a sigh as the situation seemed to be over, but she had the feeling that she forgot something.

'NURTINO BOMB NOW ARMED, PREPARING TO DETONATE'

Oh yeah, the bomb.

"Uh oh."

[Que Rick and morty Theme]