Yaaaay I'm back. Sorry it took me forever to update, but I had ideas elsewhere and I also got 3/4ths of the way through this chapter, realized I didn't like it, and rewrote it.

Chapter title from Back to the Earth by Starset

Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect. I just like to suffer.

…

Sara had given the Tempest crew one more day before they were expected back on the ship, ready to disembark.

It brought up the total amount of time they were on the Nexus to three days.

By then, the medi-gel and time would mend battle wounds to the point where they could get back into the field. The physical was recoverable.

The emotional, however, was a different story.

The entire team took this loss hard, that much was obvious on the ride back to the Nexus, though not as hard as she did. Jaal, their teammate, their confidante, their friend.

She would let them mourn for a man who wasn't dead yet.

She would busy herself in finding a way to get him back.

That brought her to a desk now covered in reports and every scrap of information pertinent to the kett she could find.

They knew some things about the kett. Things about their behavior based on intelligence gathered from military encounters. Things about their physiology, from autopsied bodies. But, not enough, never enough.

SAM had his information on Meridian and the Jardaan. It wasn't enough or conclusive, but it was a start.

There had to be some answer there. If the Jardaan created the angara, maybe they had insight into their physiology, enough to reset Jaal to before Exaltation.

The Jardaan were intelligent and powerful enough to create a whole other sentient species. There had to be some root of a cure there.

"I would not place too much hope in the information I collected when we defeated the Archon," SAM said.

"We need more, don't we? We need to look harder."

She raked her fingers through her hair.

"Fuck," she breathed, "I don't know where to begin."

"Perhaps one of the vaults will have answers after Meridian's activation."

She hummed in agreement. It made sense.

They had vaults on Eos, Havarl, Voeld, Kadara and Aya. It would take time to visit them all, explore every last inch of them to find some kind of hint.

The issue was that Sara didn't know how much time she had to look.

"It may also be wise to revisit the ruins of the kett base on Voeld," SAM continued.

Schematics and maps appeared on her datapad.

"Yeah. We should go there first. Look at the base and the vault. Two birds, one stone. Then we move on."

It was logical, of course. SAM didn't do anything that wasn't logical so when he didn't speak up to contradict her, she assumed he agreed with her.

She tried to be as logical as possible, trying to separate the level-headed Pathfinder from the mourning shell-shocked girlfriend, focus on the former than the latter. She supposed she needed a bit of both to get the job done.

She was going to fight. She had to.

Even if she had to tear apart the fucking laws of nature to bring him back, she would.

Sara let herself have that conviction, though it hurt.

She refused to cry anymore, especially in front of Scott, and her jaw hurt from clenching it so hard all the time.

She tapped on her desk. She didn't like the quarters she was given on the Nexus. They were too barren and impersonal. Even her father's quarters on the now-beached Hyperion had a bit more life to it.

But it had all the essentials that Sara needed, so it didn't really matter.

She turned back to the datapad to make a rough outline of what the hell she was planning on doing.

Sure, Voeld first. Then Meridian, then Kadara, then Elaaden, then Eos, then Havarl. She dreaded a visit to Havarl. She would have no choice but to visit Jaal's family and face her failure. But perhaps she would get lucky before going to Havarl and she would only return to his family with Jaal whole again.

It wasn't likely Too many variables, too many unknowns.

She couldn't just ask for a cure to be made. No one would listen to her. They wouldn't waste valuable time and resources for something that was, in their minds, futile.

Lexi would tell her that it wasn't possible, just like the asari had told Jaal all those days ago. That was back when it was simpler, when Exaltation happened to other people, to distant relations and unknown people.

This hit so close to home that the kett who turned Jaal might as well have shot Sara in the chest. It would've probably hurt less.

A life for a life. If it came to that, she would pay that price.

She kept that fact close, though, never verbalizing it. She was determined, not suicidal.

There was a knock just as SAM said, "Scott is at the door."

Scott let himself in, tray of food in his hands, before she could do anything about the piece of information. She supposed SAM was just giving her a warning and was going to let him in whether she liked it or not.

She grunted in greeting.

She didn't talk much to anyone outside of SAM, hardly let anyone into her room. Scott was the only one who really attempted to see her as far as she knew. The rest of the Tempest crew must have known to give her some distance.

She didn't allow herself to waste away, but it felt like she was dying a little every second. She knew she needed to be strong. It would be a long time, a lot of work, to get Jaal back.

But, she let herself wallow in how fucking shitty this situation was for a bit.

Eat little, sleep even less.

Scott and SAM made sure that at least she was getting enough food and sleep to survive. Her brother offered her glasses of water and plates of food that tasted more like sawdust than anything, telling her that he wasn't going to leave unless she finished at least half of it.

It wasn't an idle threat, either. He always had that set in his brow that told her that he was very serious.

For his benefit, she choked down her food, this time nutrient paste and bread that tasted synthetic more than anything else. Scott watched her as he sat next to her. Probably checking to see if he needed to tattle to Harry or Lexi.

The bruises were yellowed and fading. She was at least aware enough to change the medi-gel and bandages on her wounds so they were mere echoes of what they were days earlier.

Scott pitied her, she knew that.

"Do you want me to stay?" Scott asked after her plate was empty.

She shook her head.

"No, I—

"Still need space?" he finished.

A nod. Of course, Scott knew her.

"Well, if you need a fresh pair of eyes, you know where I am."

He stood up and kissed the top of her head.

"Love you, Sara."

"Love you too."

The door shut with a hiss and she was alone again.

She didn't throw her datapad onto her desk, but it made a loud noise regardless.

She avoided her email as much as possible, but every so often she'd glance at the little number and noticed how it got bigger and bigger.

When she finally checked, it was exactly what she expected: a flood of emails expressing condolences from across Heleus. It seemed like everyone she ever met in Heleus, who she remembered and didn't remember, had sent an email, paying respects.

Respect and condolences for a man who wasn't dead yet.

But she read them anyway, gave them short and stilted acknowledgements. It was overwhelming.

Even Reyes Vidal sent something, to her surprise. Even more surprising, how heartfelt and sincere it was.

But when she thought about it, it was likely sent at the prodding of her brother.

It was good Scott was doing something after the Archon wreaked havoc on him. He was assigned as liaison between the Initiative and Reyes' Collective.

She wasn't an idiot, she could tell from vid-calls and emails that something was up between Scott and Reyes. She thought about calling Scott back and having him give her details.

Even if it was nothing, it would be a welcome distraction.

She shook herself out of it.

No, she didn't need a distraction. She needed to keep working. She needed to find all the missing pieces to an impossible puzzle and get Jaal back.

Minutes blended into hours and it got to a point where she wasn't sure if it was her hands that were shaking or the words on her datapad were moving by themselves.

"You have had approximately 2 hours of sleep in the past 62 hours. You need to sleep," SAM spoke up.

Sara startled at the sound, cursing when the datapad crashed to the ground.

It took her a moment to pick it up, everything sluggish. She felt drunk.

"Need sleep, huh?" she mumbled.

The bright code of SAM node writhed and swirled.

"Symptoms of sleep deprivation include impaired judgment, slowed reaction times, hallucinations, paranoia, and eventually death. To avoid this, I suggest sleep."

Sara grumbled as she stood and shucked off her clothes.

There was a reason she didn't sleep, and when she did, slept fitfully. She dreaded what kind of dreams would meet her as soon as she closed her eyes.

There could be dreams of the battle, of Jaal's face twisting in pain. Perhaps that was why the angara were in a trance before they were turned in that facility on Voeld. She wished Jaal hadn't felt anything and didn't feel anything anymore. Maybe he was locked away in a numb state, some tiny spark of the angara she once knew, hidden in the recesses of that kett body. She didn't know, couldn't know.

She hated not knowing.

And then there was the possibility of there being dreams of before the battle. Of caresses and kind words, a rendezvous behind a waterfall.

Only to wake up, knowing that those things were only memories.

She lay down and pulled the blanket over her. The lights dimmed on their own accord, though it was likely SAM's doing.

"I don't know how I can sleep," she muttered, half to herself, half to SAM.

"I can help."

SAM turned from a buzz to a hum in the back of her head and the world turned black.

…

She woke up with her face wet and her chest aching.

She didn't know if she had a nightmare or what. She just felt empty, like she just had a breakdown and didn't get an opportunity to actually feel the outpouring of emotions and was just left with the hollow echo.

Sara wanted to lash out at SAM, screech and scream at the AI in her head. He basically knocked her out without her express permission, but she figured he did it for her benefit. She couldn't bring herself to be angry with him. That required energy that she didn't have.

"Sara, you are expected on the Tempest in an hour."

She groaned and forced herself into a sitting position, groaning again when pain creaked its way through at the movement.

Aches and pains. She was only twenty-three and sometimes she felt like she was sixty years older than that. She got shot at and fallen off of plenty of high places and gotten the shit beaten out of her more times than she could count and it took a toll.

"Okay, SAM."

She shuffled to the bathroom and near-boiled herself in the water. She slapped on makeup to cover the bruise-like shadows under her eyes, reapplied bandages over the wounds that were still healing, and dressed.

Looking back into the mirror, she looked like a living human, vaguely. She even looked like a Pathfinder, ready to take on another army.

Did she feel like it?

No, not really.

She was exhausted and emotionally drained, despite several hours of sleep.

One last cursory look at her emails. More condolences and minutiae that she could deal with once they were underway on the Tempest.

Sara didn't want to leave her room, just for the sake of not wanting to see anyone. But for the sake of bringing Jaal back, she was dragging her ass out to the world.

"Alright, SAM, let's face this."

There were only nods of respect and quiet greetings of 'Pathfinder' on the walk between her apartment and Tempest. Deference to a hero, though she didn't particularly feel like a hero.

She tried to look as normal as possible. It wasn't too difficult. She could hide her pain, both physical and emotional. There was no question she still mourned, it had only been a few days and it was no secret how close Sara and Jaal were.

She tried not to think of Jaal as dead or in the past. Dead meant there was no going back. He was alive, in some form, in a cage on the Nexus.

For now. She would get him back, eventually.

Liam stood at the lowered ramp of the Tempest, clearly waiting for her. Everyone else must have been on board.

Before he noticed her, Sara watched. He looked tired, a little hunched-over.

He and Jaal were good friends, close despite differences in culture and species. If anyone else could take this loss as hard as Sara did, it would be him.

He brightened a bit when he finally saw Sara, not so much that it looked fake. Sara managed a smile in return.

"There she is," Liam said, patting her back when she got close.

"Hey, Liam."

He was always a ball of energy, no matter what, at that much was clear when he waved his hands as he spoke.

"Now, I know you're expecting me to try to dissuade you from this. Be the voice of reason and all that."

Sara snorted. "You, the voice of reason?"

Liam grinned self-deprecatingly. It was nice to joke, like nothing ever happened.

"Yeah, right?" he said.

A serious expression stole over his face. "But, fuck that. It wasn't fair what happened. Everyone else is fucking pissed and are behind you."

She nodded.

"That's good to hear."

"Yeah. Plenty of waxing poetic over a lot of drinks brought about a consensus. We're doing this. We even got Lexi to shut up for two seconds and give this a chance. Plenty of freaky things have happened in Andromeda. What's another?"

Sara felt a fresh wave of tears crop up, but she blinked them back.

"Thanks. You don't know how much that means to me."

He patted her back again. "No thanks needed. Let's get him back, alright?"

A surge of confidence straightened her spine and she nudged him.

"Yeah. Let's do this."

She passed by most of the other crew members on her way to the bridge. There were soft greetings, but Sara had every reason to believe she was going to be cornered by every single one of her friends on the ride to Voeld.

Nobody protested. In fact, everyone looked invigorated, like they were just as willing to go through with this as she was.

She glanced at the closed door of the tech lab and swallowed a lump. Jaal wasn't there. When she walked through the cargo hold, she didn't look for their recently-installed cell or for dried splatters of kett blood.

Business as usual.

Suvi gave her a tentative smile as soon as she entered the bridge. She had a feeling she was going to be requested for a cup of tea and a chat about life and death.

"Are you sure about this?" Kallo asked from his seat.

The hesitation in his voice grated her nerves with a force that surprised her, making her tense, anger and defensiveness creeping vice-like around her throat.

Apparently, the consensus wasn't as universal as Liam had said.

But she couldn't truly fault Kallo for asking. It would do them no good for her to change her mind halfway to Voeld and send them on a wild goose chase on the other side of the cluster. He, as pilot, needed to think about fuel and supplies, so they don't get stranded on one planet or another for days because they ran out of fuel.

This was her plan, her path. And she had only so much time before the Initiative leaders got antsy that their human Pathfinder was traipsing around Andromeda without any progress in anything.

But Avitus, Hayjer, and Vederia were there. They could pick up the slack while she was away. She wasn't alone in the whole Pathfinding business. Hyperion was aground on Meridian, so she had completed what technically the human Pathfinder was supposed to do.

She could go traipsing all she wanted until there was an incident that needed all four Pathfinders to deal with it.

She saved the fucking cluster. She was allowed some sort of leeway in her activities.

So, yeah, she was sure about this. As long as Jaal was in that state she would always be sure of any plan that could possibly return him to her.

"Positive. Set course for Voeld."

…

*shrug emoji*

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~Tiara of Sapphires