I can't promise I'll be able to update often so just bear with me.
I've been in Dallas for the National Sexual Assault Conference, which was awesome by the way. Everyone attending was offered to attend a screening of "I AM EVIDENCE" which is Mariska's documentary. It was amazing, I cried, and you get to hear Mariska say "Fuck you".
Olivia slipped into the shower behind Amanda.
"What are you doing?" The blonde asked curiously. "I have shampoo washing over my face… I can't see you."
"That's the point." Olivia replied lightly with a smile. "Stay facing that way, okay?"
Amanda agreed and continued to wash the shampoo out of her hair. The brunette had entered the shower while her girlfriend was washing out her hair on purpose. It'd been a little over a month since Olivia had been sexually interactive with Amanda, a month since Amanda had gotten back from Georgia.
Olivia wasn't ready for Amanda to see the marks on her body. She wasn't ready to show her the healing wounds that were more so scars now.
Water cascaded over them both as Olivia came behind Amanda and wrapped her arms around the smaller woman's waist.
"I've missed you…" Olivia replied, kissing the side of Amanda's neck. Amanda smiled, knowing that Olivia had purely come into the shower for comfort and to be close to her. The blonde was on her period. Olivia knew that and Olivia could also tell she was bloated, there'd be no way she'd try anything with Amanda right now, especially when the blonde felt like her ovaries were exploding.
"I've missed you too." Amanda replied as she ran her fingers through her hair to make sure she got all the shampoo out.
A little over three weeks ago, Amanda started back to work. Days without the blonde at her side were longer for Olivia.
Olivia let her hands roam over the blonde's stomach, gently massaging and trying to sooth the pain that her period was causing her.
"I um… I put in for a transfer…" Amanda told her in a small voice.
Olivia's hands stilled briefly as she took a deep breath, then continued her movements. She'd talked to Barba a couple of weeks ago and he'd said Amanda or Olivia one needed to be out of the unit if they were going to continue to try and pursue whatever their relationship was.
To be honest, he'd been a bit short with her and he hadn't seemed at all surprised about them being together, which meant someone had told him and he was a bit upset that Olivia hadn't said something to him. He was likely more upset because basically everyone they worked with now knew about it but him.
Barba had also said that Lewis bringing up their relationship wouldn't really help his case and if anything, it would make him a target for a hate crime charge because Olivia was a lesbian and they were certain at least a few of the past women he'd attacked were bisexual. Then Olivia had corrected him and told him sharply not to label her, and that she liked both sexes. Barba had just ignored her comment and moved on.
"You tell Fin?" Olivia asked.
"Not yet." Amanda relied.
"Do it. Fast." The brunette told her. "Don't let Cragen do it. It'll hurt Fin, bad."
"Liv… I wanna turn around." Amanda told her.
"Okay…" Olivia grabbed up the wet wash cloth and spread it over her chest. It stuck in place simply because it was wet. "Turn around."
Amanda turned slowly and caught sight of the rag. There was almost disappointment in her eyes but she put her arms around Olivia's neck.
"I'm not going to do to Fin what Elliot did to you…" Amanda said. "I'm still going to hang out with him. We'll still talk. I'll still be his friend and have his back when he needs me to." She said and then leaned in to give Olivia a kiss.
When they pulled back, Olivia gazed at her and wonder how in the world she'd gotten so lucky.
"And Liv," Amanda tried. "Whatever is under here…" She said as she fingered the edges of the cloth covering the brunette's chest. "It's not going to scare me away. I'm not going to be unattracted to you. The only thing it will do is fuel my hate for William Lewis." Amanda stated strongly.
"I love you and that won't change because of what's under here…"
"Why do you want to see?" Olivia asked, actually considering the blonde's request.
"Because I miss you… I miss these…" Amanda said quietly as she traced the outline of Olivia's breasts. "And I miss us… I want you to trust me with this."
"Trust isn't the problem… and the breasts you remember aren't what these are anymore…"
"I know." Amanda replied. "I'll love them no matter what, Olivia." The blonde hummed as she leaned in to kiss Olivia. They'd made so much progress in the past week and most of it was thanks to Olivia's therapist. She'd followed the steps and done the exercises she'd been given.
It was becoming easier to let Amanda back in. It was happening much faster than Olivia thought it would.
The brunette swallowed hard and took a deep breath.
"I'm going to remove this cloth and I'm going to close my eyes as I do it. I don't want to see your reaction." Olivia told her, deciding to be bold.
"Liv…" Amanda started. "You don't have to if you're not ready." The blonde said worriedly.
Olivia bit her bottom lip.
"I'd actually like to just get it over with." The older woman confessed.
"Only if you're sure." Amanda told her.
Olivia nodded and closed her eyes tightly before removing the cloth. She was partially happy the bathroom had such shitty lighting and that it was dim.
She didn't hear Amanda do or say anything for a few seconds.
The blonde tried to allow her face to remain passive but a pained looked appeared on her face. Olivia couldn't see it though. Scars from keys and cigarettes cover Olivia's chest, some parts of her breasts, and there were a couple on her belly.
"I'm going to kiss you, okay?" Amanda asked for permission.
"Okay…" Olivia replied in a whisper. She was expecting a kiss on the lips but instead, she felt a light kiss on her shoulder. Amanda was making it clear that she was intending to kiss Olivia's body, not her mouth.
Olivia gasped.
"Open your eyes, Olivia." Amanda said in a calm voice in between kisses as she made her way down to Olivia's chest.
The brunette shook her head and kept her eyes shut as she felt Amanda plant a gentle kiss on one of her scars.
Olivia sniffed. "I need to sit down." She said quickly but she'd started sinking to the bottom of the tub, putting her arms on both sides and sitting down as if she were taking a bath. Amanda turned around and moved the knob to turn the water off.
She then reached out and grabbed a towel for Olivia.
Grabbing her hand, she helped Olivia up into a standing position. The brunette finally opened her eyes and took the towel, wrapping it around herself quickly like a security blanket. Then Amanda grabbed a towel for herself and they stepped out of the shower. The blonde didn't care that she hadn't gotten to condition her hair. All she cared about was that she made sure Olivia knew how loved she was.
Olivia made her way into the bedroom with Amanda hot on her trail.
"If it's okay with you…" Amanda sated as Olivia curled up on the bed in her towel with her wet hair on her pillow. "I wasn't finished…"
Olivia threw her a look. It was fear and confusion and sorrow all in one.
Amanda wiped her body off so she wouldn't get the sheets wet, the towel dried her hair a bit before completely leaving the towel on the floor and grabbing a pair of underwear from her bag with pantyliner in it because she was on her period after all. Amanda crawled back up the bed beside Olivia.
The blond was laying on her stomach beside Olivia.
"Stop me if you don't want me to do this, okay?" Amanda asked, looking into Olivia's eyes for permission again. Olivia nodded in agreement and closed her eyes tightly as Amanda grabbed the top of Olivia's towel around her chest and gently pealed it back, exposing the scars again. Amanda could see them much better now.
She leaned down and kissed Olivia gently on the lips, relieved that she was kissed back, before she continued down the brunette's neck and onto her chest.
"I love you." Amanda whispered in between kisses to the scars that Olivia now had covering her chest and some of her breasts.
"I love you so fucking much." Amanda continued and hot tears leaked from Olivia's eyes.
The blonde let her fingers trace over the 'L' shape that had been burned into Olivia's skin.
"None of this will change that, Liv." She said. "You're still so beautiful." Amanda said as she laid her head down between Olivia's breasts. "God, I missed this. I've missed you like this." She commented.
Meanwhile, Olivia was practically sobbing above her.
"Hey," Amanda said gently as she gazed up at her lover. "You're okay. You're gonna be fine." She reached up to cup Olivia's cheek. "I love you. I'm not going anywhere."
Olivia grabbed Amanda's forearm, pulling her closer so she could kiss her, then collapse into her chest, sobbing.
"Shhh…" Amanda cooed. She pulled away briefly to grab a blanket that they kept at the bottom of the bed. She covered them both and then held Olivia tightly as her sobbing slowed. "You're mine… not his." Amanda whispered as she kissed the side of Olivia's head. Normally they'd both be against claiming another person as if they were a position but Lewis had branded Olivia, and Amanda wanted to make it known that no matter what Lewis had done to her, she was still Olivia's and Olivia was still hers until they decided to end their relationship, if that ever happened.
"I am yours…" Olivia whispered as she clung to Amanda. She looked up at the blonde and closed her eyes as she eased into the kiss that she saw Amanda about to plant on her.
It was nice, slow, and involved a lot of tongue.
"I know you aren't ready so I'm not going to try anything," Amanda stated, "But I just wanted you to know that I'm so turned on by your body right now, by the way you're holding me, and how you love me." The blonde tried to put her feelings and emotions into words. "Whatever he did to you, it doesn't change this, us."
Olivia smiled at her. "You're right, I'm not ready, but I love you for telling me that." Then the brunette planted another long kiss on Amanda's lips. "But if you really are turned on… I'd love another chance to cater to your needs…" Olivia said almost shyly. "It's been over a month…"
"I was giving you time…" Amanda replied.
"I need time for myself… not to do things to you. I think we've pretty much got pleasuring you without having a flashback down pat." Olivia said as she wiped her face rid of tears, glad that they were stopping now.
"You don't have to." Amanda told her, giving her a small smile.
"What if I want to?" Olivia asked as she maneuvered herself to where she was straddling the blonde under the covers.
"Then we'd have to go get back in the shower… otherwise, I'd make a mess…" Amanda commented, referring to her period. It was a light flow day because it had only just started the day prior, but still. And to be honest, she wasn't sure how Olivia felt about period sex. After she'd stayed with Olivia for several days prior to the Lewis event, their periods had synched up, which was common for females who were around each other a lot and practically living together.
So, they'd both get cramps, bloated, and be miserable at the same time usually. Only now, with stress and the Lewis stuff, they were out of sync again.
"How bad are you cramping?" Olivia asked, suddenly concerned.
Amanda blushed. "Not bad enough to turn down shower sex…"
Olivia laughed and threw the covers back, then she grabbed Amanda's hand and tugged her towards the bathroom.
Usually, Amanda would be against this for Olivia's sake but right now it was the opposite way around. The more Olivia did sexual things with Amanda, even if it was just beneficial for the blonde, the more comfortable Olivia got with intimacy.
Every little thing counted towards Olivia's recover. Ever kiss, touch, hug, all of it.
Thanks for keeping up with this story. I'm gonna take a small break from it for a little bit to work on finishing my other two stories. Right now, they are easier to write for me and this one is becoming harder.