Her

"Oh I lose control, can't seem to get enough
When I wake from dreaming, tell me is it really love"

How Will I Know, Sam Smith

Liv wakes up before him, like always. She can easily function on five hours of sleep after years of being a mother and working in the emergency room.

The first moments she opens her eyes are always the same, like a scene plucked from a film that plays on a loop. The warmth from the proximity of his body, the serenity of knowing she's safe in his arms and sprinkles of happiness at the knowledge that she has yet to ruin him.

Yet.

Because it'll surely happen. And that's when the realization she is a fraud grips her at the throat. Fear chokes the air out of her lungs.

Before she can lose it. Before the panic seizes her mind. Before the fears spill out into tears, she turns over.

His arm lays low on her waist. His chest steadily rising and falling with each breath. His mouth slightly agape. His features relaxed. His hair messy from sleep.

She joked once that he'd benefit from a silk bonnet. The look of sheer confusion left her in a fit of giggles and that night they spent it on YouTube watching natural hair tutorials. He watched each one so intently; pausing them, only when he had a question.

She moves a hand through his hair, twirling the ends with her fingers. She glides a finger down the center of his nose; over his bicep and arm; slipping across his stomach, stopping for a moment to feel it contract at her touch; her nails trace the V that leads into his pants.

In his sleep, Fitz grunts with pleasure at the feel of her hand stroking his dick.

Dawn is breaking when he blinks his eyes open.

She calls his name.

The rays cast a streak of light over them.

She whispers to him. They're the same words. Every single time.

"I need you."

Abby answers the door with a toddler on her hip. Her eyes trail Olivia from top to bottom, noting the wrinkled dress she is currently wearing. She shakes her head before throwing it over her shoulder, "Leo, call off the search. She's alive," she calls out to her husband.

"Shut up and give me my baby," Liv scoffs, reaching for the curly hair girl that's jumping excitedly. "Hi, Zozo. Did you miss Mommy?" She coos, hugging Zoey close to her chest and planting kisses on Zoey's face.

Chubby hands grip Liv's on either side of her face returning the sentiment. "Hi... Mommy... Hi."

"You have perfect timing. She was getting antsy. See Zoey, I told you Mommy would be back soon." Abby smiles.

"Back. Back. Mommy, back." Everything had become a song for Zoey lately. It was funny and cute until it was all you heard for an entire day.

"Aw, Mommy will always come back for you. Were you good for Abby?"

Zoey nods, showing all her teeth in a smile. "Ah-bee. Yes!"

"And here I was hoping you would keep her up half the night," Liv jokes, tickling Zoey's tummy and making her giggle.

Abby's hands immediately go to her hip. "This is how you treat a dear friend that watches your kids, for free I might add, so you can get dicked down?"

Shock colors Liv's face. "Abby! Can we not talk about that with my daughter in the room?"

"She's one. She doesn't understand what's going on." Abby shrugs, turning to walk into the apartment.

Olivia follows closing the door behind her. She rolls her eyes at her friend's complete lack of filter. She didn't even want to think about what slipped out of her mouth when she wasn't around.

"She's eighteen months, and you know she's a parrot right now. I don't need to explain to Mari why Zoey is talking about that."

"Fine." Abby throws her hands up in surrender. "Since I'm watching your kids while you..."

Liv's eyes cut her.

She coughs. "Umm, you know. When do we get to meet this guy?"

"You're not going to meet him."

"Why not?" Abby whines.

"It's not like that." Liv's attention goes to Zoey, who's standing between her legs, playing with the bracelets on Liv's wrist.

She's does not want to talk about this.

Liv's been avoiding this conversation from the moment she asked Abby to babysit while Marisol was out of the country, a month ago. She doesn't want to feel judged. She already carries enough on her shoulders.

Momentarily, Liv distracts herself with her daughter's hair, pulling it into a pigtail or at least attempting to do so.

"No. No touch." Zoey shakes her head complaining. The little girl wears her crown of wild curls with pride. She refuses to let anyone do anything to her hair.

"It's not like what?" Abby asks folding her arms. "You've been seeing this guy for a year. You spent a night over at his house just this week. Last week, it was two. The week before..."

Olivia got defensive, feeling just as attacked as when Katie brings up this subject. "If you don't want to watch the kids, it's fine."

"Shut up." Abby snapped. "You know, I love having them over. They soothe Leo's baby feels. So don't even go there."

"Ok. Where is Leo by the way?" She looks around the empty apartment. "Where's..."

"Oh no. Don't think about changing the topic. They're playing some computer game. Now tell me about this man that has you lying and sneaking around like a teenager."

Shit, Abby was not going to let this go.

"I don't want to do this. Talking about him makes it real. Makes me think it's something that it's not." Olivia confessed.

"What is it then? What has it been for a year, Liv?"

In her arms, Zoey settles her head against Liv's chest, one hand griping Liv's pinky, a clear sign that she's ready for a nap. "Purely physical."

"You're a terrible liar. Purely physical." Abby mocks, her voice too high to be Liv's. "You couldn't even look me in the eyes and say that."

"It's complicated. I met him at a very low moment in my life. He was a distraction and now he's..."

"What?" She pushed.

"Everything."

"Whoa."

"I don't know when it became more than sex. All I know is that he's in my head all the time."

"Liv, this is good."

"No," she shakes her head, voice breaking. "Things were simple. I showed up at his door, we had sex and we both went on with our lives. I don't know when it started to change."

"Well, he can be the new start you were looking for when you moved back."

"Abby, I wouldn't even know where to start. He doesn't know much about my life. I'm too scared that he'll break things off to tell him. It's been a year. I can't just be like, 'hey, I have two kids and I'm a crazy mess, who needs to see a therapist every week.'"

"Shit, girl. I wouldn't tell him all of that. Do you want my advice?"

"Yes. No. I mean, yes."

"Bitch, can you make up your mind?"

"Yes, please."

"I would start with a date. You remember what that is, right?" Olivia just stares clearly irritated. "Get to know each other away from the physical appeal. He'll probably be hurt but if he knows everything, and he's a good guy, he won't run."

"Then what? Am I supposed to have a relationship?"

"Yes, that's what normal people do when they like each other."

"And when it ends? What am I suppose to do? Go back to being a lonely single mother?"

"Who says it'll end?"

"I'm not you, Abby. The men I meet aren't like Leo. They don't sweep me off my feet, put a diamond on my finger and move me into their penthouse."

"Hey, fuck you. Leo isn't Prince Charming and our life is not a fairy tale. We've been together for over ten years working not only on our relationship but also on each other. Everyone is not him, Olivia. Everyone is not out to hurt you. Leave him in the past."

Liv lets her words sink in for a few minutes. She pulls a sleeping Zoey closer to her chest for comfort. Deep down, she knows Abby was right. It was about time she changed her story. She wasn't the dumb girl that had gotten her life completely flipped upside down because of the lies of a man.

The women sit silently giving each other a moment to calm down. Olivia is the first to speak, "Katie says, only I have the power to change my life. That and I'm using sex to fill a void."

Abby nods quietly but Liv knows her well enough to know there's an inappropriate comment burning on her lips. "Go ahead." She says, preparing herself.

"And how does he fill this void?" She gestures with her hands, eye big with mischief.

Olivia guffaws. She double checks that Zoey is asleep before replying, "so fucking well."

Abby squeaks, causing the toddler to jolt in her sleep but luckily she doesn't wake. "I knew it! Tell me everything. What does he look like? How big is it? Got any pictures?"

"No, I don't have pictures of his dick." She whispers the last word.

"Oh boo. I have like five of Leo on my phone at any given time."

"Eww. I'm not a freak like you. I have children. How would I explain that?"

"Oh, right. But answer the question, woman!"

"He's tall, like two feet taller than me. Regular built, not too athletic but he's strong enough to pick me up and press me up against the wall."

"Shiiiiiiittttt."

"Grey blue eyes, crazy soft hair, big rough hands. Ugh, his hands."

"You're a bitch for not having pictures of him by the way."

"When would I take a picture of him?"

"All you have to do is wait for him to fall asleep, move the sheet out of the way and snap a few pics."

"Abigail, you're a married woman."

"Hey, my husband understands I'm a freak. I will not be shamed."

"I'm sure Leo is more than ok."

"Anyways… this is not about me. What's your guy's name?"

"Fitz."

"Um, what is he?"

"What do you mean?"

"I know you're type. You're an island girl."

"No, Fitz's isn't… He's white."

Abby's mouth fell open.

"What? I've dated white men before."

"Like once."

"Fitz is different. I didn't set out on a quest to find a white man. We met, we were attracted to one other and our chemistry grew until the only way we wanted to be around each other was naked."

"Wow."

"Yea, he's the only man that's made me orgasm."

"Bitch, you got two kids! You're telling me all that time…?"

"Nope. Sex was never about me."

"Shit, I would have died." Abby caught herself. "Sorry."

Liv waved her off. "I'd wait until he fell asleep and go into the guest bedroom with my loyal friend, Purple. Hell, two fingers in the shower worked better than him."

"No wonder you've been riding that dick until dawn. You have a lot of making up to do."

"Yeah, he's like..." She shivers thinking about his body on hers. "Don't get me wrong. We do more than just have sex. I mean the sex is mind-blowing but he's really smart and funny. Terrible cook... What?"

"You're so sprung. You have the goofiest smile on your face right now."

"I do not."

"You do! And Liv, you deserve happiness. I don't want you to let fear stop you from making this into something real. I know you don't want to lose him, lose this... but you have to take a leap of faith."

Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears. "I'm trying but I'm terrified of being completely vulnerable. I really like him. Maybe I love him, I don't even know anymore but if he breaks my heart… I don't know if I have more fight left in me."

O: Hi.

F: New phone, who dis?

O: Fuck you.

F: Yes, please. I'll send an uber.

O: Bahaha. You know I can't!

F: Right. Is the husband around?

O: No husband, just you.

F: So you say...

O: If you're gonna pick a fight, I'll go to bed.

O: Goodnight.

F: Wait. I'm sorry.

F: Liv please. It's been a horrible day. Talking to you makes it better.

O: Tell me what happened.

F: Got conned into hosting the school dance.

O: Conned? How Sway?

F: Remember Peter?

O: The smart kid that does stupid things? What he do now?

F: That's the one. His family was about to get evicted so he started a side hustle.

O: Shit. Drugs?

F: Thankfully, he's not that stupid. He's been writing papers and letting kids cheat off of him for a fee.

O: Omg. Isn't he on a scholarship? He could get expelled.

F: Yes and guess what?

F: The fucking Lit teacher caught him exchanging a book report for money. Lucky for him, I'm his homeroom teacher so she came to me before going to the principal. I made a deal with her. I'll do the stupid dance and she'll just fail him in her class.

O: And she agreed to that?

F: She really wants me to do this fucking dance.

O: …

F: We've kissed before.

O: Oh.

F: Before we started sleeping together.

O: Ok.

F: Yea, she thinks if we spend more time together I'll want to date her.

F: I don't btw.

O: Good to know.

O: I'm sorry. I know how much you hate those dances.

F: Eh, I'll survive. That's not even the worst part.

F: After having a long talk with his mother, watching her slap the shit out of him and forcing her to take a check, I leave their apartment feeling like a hero.

O: Fitz, that's so sweet of you.

F: Oh but wait for it. When I get to my car I realize someone smashed the passenger side of my car. Fucked up my ride and didn't leave a note.

F: I'm fucking three thousand dollars in the hole right now.

O: Oh baby, you have every right to be in a terrible mood.

F: The universe was like fuck you, Fitz.

O: You need me to lend you something?

F: What?

F: Absolutely not, Olivia.

O: Seriously, I have some savings. It's no bother.

F: I'm good. I just want you in my bed.

O: Two days. Be patient.

F: No, fucking you is the only things that'd make me feel better.

O: Two. Days.

F: I don't want to wait. I want my head between your legs.

O: UGH! You don't play fair.

F: I got that shitty hard cider you drink. I'd have you coming while West Garden makes our dinner.

O: So romantic. You know the way into my pants.

O: Keep your bribes tho.

F: Fine. Send nudes.

O: Nope! We talked about this.

F: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

O: You're funny. Go take a cold shower.

F: I don't remember talking about this. I can't believe this is the same woman that woke me up to fuck this morning.

O: We did! And that was in the privacy of your bedroom. Nudes always have a way of ending up on the Internet.

F: Liv, I would never.

O: I believe that. My trust issues on the other hand...

F: Hey, what we have is between us. I respect you too much to ever do something like that.

O: Are you sure you're not trying to convince me so I can send a pic of my breasts?

F: Now who's not playing fair? You know I love Beyoncé and Solange.

O: Fucking hate you. Stop calling them that.

F: They're my best friends. I can call them whatever I want.

O: Well, your BFFs and I will be having fun on our own tonight. GN.

F: Fucking tease.

O: And you love it.