When Life Implodes

Chapter 1: When the Life You Know...

Oliver should have known.

Every time Oliver'd kept a secret, it blew up in his face. Even if it was for the right reasons. Even if it was carefully considered and all outcomes were measured, it never worked out. Not a single time. Why had he thought this time would be different?

Oliver should have known. Maybe on some level, he did. Maybe he'd been waiting for this all along. The implosion.

When he decided to keep his distance from his only child to preserve William's chance of a happy, normal life, away from the chaos of Oliver Queen's existence and, more importantly, the danger that surrounded the Green Arrow and all its manifestations…

When Oliver kept secrets from the love of his life…from his son…his sister… from everyone…

Oliver had a feeling of impending doom. He should have listened to his gut. He'd thought he was doing the right thing. The noble thing. He thought that this way the only one who would get hurt was him.

But ignorance had never kept anyone safe in the past.

Why hadn't Oliver remembered that? Maybe then, he would have listened to his instincts and not written off the feeling as self-delusion, an attempt to get what he wanted.

That was the horrible irony here. Oliver had wanted to tell everyone everything. Especially Felicity. Especially William. But he'd thought that it was selfish. So Oliver went the self-sacrificing mode.

Again, stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. It had imploded. Of course, it had. And it had destroyed everything in its path.

Now Samantha was in a grave...

His son was motherless. Terrified. Betrayed. Hunted.

And Felicity had discovered everything in the worst possible way.

Samantha's death may not be Oliver's fault, but the disaster that was now his life was. Felicity was never going to forgive him. How the hell was he supposed to do this without her? How was he supposed to keep William safe and raise him if the only thing left was an empty shell?

Oliver lingered at Samantha's grave long after Thea and John had bundled William off to go back to the house. Felicity had wondered off, presumably to contemplate all the ways he had failed them all.

But Oliver lingered. And cried. Cried alone, because he refused to do so in front of his son.

He cried for Felicity. For the promise of the life they had been building, that Oliver had betrayed. He cried for his son, who had lost the only parent he'd ever known. He cried for Samantha whose only sin was to use a cheap, expired condom one drunken night 10 years ago and who had come to a brutal end because of it.

Oliver cried because he was lost and scared. Because all the people he loved, loved more than life itself were a mile away in an old farmhouse and he had no idea if he could ever make any of their worlds right again.

But staying here wasn't helping. Oliver needed to face them. Needed to try to fix this. He needed to stop staring at his son's mother's grave like she was going to appear in front of him and give him the answers.

He needed to go back to that cursed farmhouse and deal with his son and his fiancée…if she was still his fiancé after everything Oliver had done. Gathering whatever strength he had left, he forced himself to get on his bike and make his way back to their temporary home.

Things could not have gone down in a worse way.

Three days ago, the team had been gathered in the Liar, no different than any other night, when Barry turned up unannounced. William and Samantha had been attacked. Samantha was in the hospital and the Metas responsible were still at large, still hunting his boy. It was bad. They had to leave. Immediately.

Oliver's team had been baffled. Felicity. Thea. Digg. Laurel. They all knew there was something missing from the story they were given. Something they didn't know. Barry didn't pop in every time a kid was in danger in Central City. But there was no time and it would have taken so much longer than the milliseconds Oliver had to even begin to explain.

Not that it would have mattered. It was too late. Months too late to cushion this particular blow. All Oliver could do at that point was try to save his son. So, he did the only thing he could, he went with Barry.

Even that was too late. Barry couldn't have been gone from the hospital for ten full minutes. But ten minutes was how long it took for everything to go to hell.

Back in Central City, Oliver and Barry found Joe and Patty unconscious on the hospital room floor. Samantha was dead. William was gone.

At that point, secrets were the last thing Oliver was worried about.

Team Arrow, his fiancé included, took her jet. They showed up in the middle of a show-down in Central City Park between Oliver, Team Flash, his son and three Metahumans. Oliver was incredibly glad they arrived when they had, given that now one Meta was dead, two were in custody and William was unharmed. But not before… Christ.

Even though they arrived in time to prevent disaster, it was just in time for Oliver's world to be blown to smithereens. He just wished he had put an arrow in that Meta's throat before the word vomit began. If one thought villains only monologued in the movies, they'd be wrong.

Oliver knew this was how Darhk planned it. Knew that the secrets were supposed to destroy him more cleanly then the murder and the chaos. And it probably would.

So, William learned that the man he had met only once was not only his dead-beat dad, but the Green Arrow. And Felicity found out he had a nine-year-old son, that Oliver had known about for months, right along with everyone else.

Even Laurel. She was the cherry on top. Oliver hadn't seen her since that night, which was completely understandable given that she was the one he was dating when William had been conceived. The math wasn't hard to do. Laurel had given him a disgusted and disappointed glare and disappeared. Probably to see her mother, but it wasn't something Oliver had the energy to worry about.

It was one of the worst, most terrifying moments of Oliver's life. He had never felt more out of control. Ever. And then…then he had to tell his son that his mother was dead. Murdered.

That was 48 hours ago. Maybe a little more now.

Everything that had happened since then was a blur. Oliver felt numb. Foggy. And not much else.

Oliver did remember sitting next to William, neither of them speaking, both of them staring aimlessly. He remembered Thea trying to get them both to eat, Digg lecturing him on being an example. He remembered Felicity on the computer endlessly, trying to find out anything and everything about Samantha Clayton. Family. Friends. A will. Anything to give them direction.

Part of Oliver worried that this was Felicity trying to find someone else to take the boy. Because she didn't want him. But Oliver hadn't had time to ruminate on that thought. It hadn't mattered in the end. William had no one. No one but Oliver.

Samantha was an only child. Her parents died in a car crash 18 months ago. The four of them had been very close. God, what William had been through. So much loss in such a young life. It made Oliver wonder if the Queen name was cursed. Not that he carried the Queen name.

But Oliver wanted him too. Christ, he wanted him to, as selfish as that was. He had wanted it in a deep, dark, primal place inside him since the moment he'd known…no, since he suspected William was his.

Samantha and William did have friends who would have liked to come to the funeral, but the team had ultimately decided it wasn't safe, not for William and not for his friends, to have anyone outside their Arrow/Flash family there. So, again, his son was offered no solace.

Despite everything Oliver had tried to do, everything he's tried to protect him from, William had been thrust into the worst part of his world with no preparation.

Oliver had no idea who made the funeral arrangements. Certainly not him. He hadn't said more than a few words to anyone. Not to William and certainly not to Felicity, who seemed to be having a very difficult time meeting his eyes. She was very kind to William and that was heartening, as was the ring still on her finger. Oliver checked for it about a million times a day.

There seemed to be an unspoken agreement between him and Felicity to wait until after the funeral to figure everything out. And the funeral was over. Oliver's stay of execution done. Decisions had to be made. He couldn't avoid it any longer. William, he had no one else.

What would have happened if Oliver hadn't blundered into his life? Would he have wound up in foster care? The thought made Oliver physically ill.

When he finally made it to the farmhouse, the same one they had rented back in December when all of this started, Oliver found William staring blankly at the television while some cartoon played. Thea and Digg sat with him, though the boy didn't seem to notice their presence.

Felicity stood, leaning against the door jam, watching them, still in her black dress and coat, her eyes red and puffy behind her glasses. Oliver reached for her first, needing her…needing…

Placing a hesitant hand on her shoulder, Oliver's voice cracked, "Felicity?"

"Not here," she whispered back, her eyes not meeting his. Then Felicity turned and walked to the front door with long strides, leaving Oliver to follow.

He spared a glance at son, who still hadn't moved, before following her out the door. Oliver wracked his brain, trying to think of something…anything to make Felicity understand. And if not understand, then at least forgive.

Last night, Oliver had come to bed after she was already asleep and laid there, staring at the ceiling, trying to think of what to say. In the end, he'd left before Felicity woke. Then he went and stared at his son's restless sleep, before, again, leaving without saying anything.

Oliver followed Felicity across the yard and abandoned horse fields, back by the old barn. Until she finally turned to face him. Christ, she was angry. Rightfully so.

Swallowing, Oliver took a few steps more to a cluster of hay bales. He removed his jacket and lay it over the hay, gesturing to Felicity to sit.

"Really?" Felicity scoffed, incredulous, as she stood, one eyebrow raised, arms tightly crossed. "Are you trying to earn points… by what? Trying to be a gentleman?"

"No, I…" Oliver sighed, running his hands through his hair. "Felicity, if I knew what to do, what to say…I'd have done it already."

"How about telling me the truth?" The edge to Felicity voice made Oliver flinch. "I know that's a novel concept, but I think I deserve that much." Her fingers flexed against her arms and she remained standing, her entire body rigid.

"I know you deserve…so much more than this," he muttered almost to himself. Oliver focused on the ring on her finger. While it was still there, there was still hope. "Ok, I…" He did know where to start, he just didn't know how. Scrubbing his face, Oliver forced himself to look her in the eye and say, "Before I start, I need to ask something of you. I know I don't have the right, but I need to ask."

Felicity gave him a grunt and an eye-roll, but there was a half-nod in there too. Oliver had to remember how badly she was hurting as well. And that was entirely his fault.

Closing his eyes, Oliver asked, "Can you…? I need you to let me say…everything before you start using your loud voice or arguing—"

"Oliver," Felicity gritted out, her temper already snapping.

"Not that I don't deserve… Look, when I'm done, feel free to scream and berate me and…it's just… I want to tell you everything, what I was thinking, why…but I don't think I'll be able to get it all out, unless…" This was already going to hell. Could he be doing a worse job? "Can you please just listen to all of it first? Before screaming or leaving or…. please, just give me a chance to explain."

Felicity just glared at him for long minutes and Oliver thought she was going to refuse, tell him it was too much to ask and leave. But, finally, with a little growl from the back of her throat, she marched over and sat stiffly on his coat.

"This your last chance, Oliver Queen. I swear to God, if you leave out one solitary detail—"

"I won't I…thank you." Oliver knew everything was riding on this, that it truly was his only chance to…to keep his life worth living.

If he was going to tell Felicity everything, then he had to start at the beginning. Oliver could feel himself shaking as he started, "It was, uh…just over ten years ago now, when I was a real asshole."

Felicity harrumphed, muttering, "Was?"

"Was even more of an asshole. I was dating Laurel and I was stupid, so stupid. I met Samantha

and we were really drunk and…6 weeks later she found me and told me she was pregnant."

"You knew?" Felicity gasped. "From the beginning?" She couldn't quite stay quiet. It was against her very nature. And she looked like she was getting even more upset.

"Yeah, well," Oliver laughed, an ugly crazy sound. "Kind of. Let me finish. Samantha told me. I freaked out. I told my mother." Little had he known what a mistake that was. "But I…we…we hadn't decided what we were going to do about it…about the baby, not yet. Then…then Samantha called me and told me she lost the baby."

"She lost it?" Felicity repeated, skeptical…or confused. It was hard to tell which. Maybe both. The whole thing was insane.

"Well, obviously she hadn't, but she told me she had." Oliver knew he was sounding like a deranged person. "I didn't question her. I mean, why would she lie? It would mean giving up the Queen fortune for her child, and besides, I…" He closed his eyes again to confess, "I guess, I was relieved. It was sad, but I don't know. Samantha and I didn't speak again. After a while, I almost never even thought about it. It was just another close call. Doesn't everyone have pregnancy scares?"

Oliver looked to Felicity for confirmation, desperate for some small acknowledgement that maybe he hadn't been a total fuck up back then.

Felicity nodded, her eyes sad and just a tiny bit sympathetic. Oliver felt his chest unclench marginally.

"I saw Samantha again last year in Central City, but it was nothing. A brief encounter with an old acquaintance, not worth mentioning." Oliver took a breath. This was the part of the story where it all started to go to hell. "But then, last December, I was with Barry at Jitters…you remember how we had to go ahead to confront Savage at the church?"

"I remember." Again with the sad tone. As if Oliver needed something else to break his heart. Felicity was holding her breath, he could tell. She had known something was wrong the moment they saw each other again.

Oliver felt tears burn the back of his throat. "I saw Samantha with this boy at Jitters and he was the right age and the right hair color and his eyes—"

"Why didn't you call me?" Felicity burst out, lurching to her feet. "After everything, why wouldn't you call me as soon as you suspected?" Her energy seemed to dissipate as quickly as it came and Felicity collapsed back onto the bale, tears in her eyes. "Sorry, I promised not to interrupt, but… Oliver. Why?"

"I know. You don't know how many times I wish I had," Oliver insisted. "I don't even know why I didn't…" No, he had promised not to lie to her again. He swallowed. "That's a lie. I do know. Thought about it and I…this is really hard, Felicity."

A tear slipped down her cheek and her lip trembled. "Just say it." Felicity's voice was just a low rasp.

He was such an asshole. "Please. I just need you to understand—"

"Just say it!"

Oliver flinched. He collapsed onto the haystack next to her and closed his eyes. "My first instinct was to tell you." She grunted in disbelief, but he plowed on. "It was. The phone was in my hand. Then I realized you were in the air and…by the time you weren't, I'd already had the conversation with you in my head a dozen times and I..."

Purposefully, Oliver turned toward her, even daring to reach for Felicity's hand, but she flinched so he let his fall.

"Felicity, I…you need to understand the influence you have over me. You are so passionate and intense and opinionated and so much smarter than me. A million times you have made me change everything I believed and come over to your way of thinking with just a few words—"

"That's not true—"

Oliver laughed, a rough hysterical sound. "Oh, it is, sweetheart, it is. And, good God it's saved me a hundred times over. It's one of the things that I love most about you, the way you fight for what you believe in. But, Felicity…" This time when he grabbed for her hand, she let him take it. "This time, I needed to figure out what I thought about all this, how I felt. I was confused enough without having your opinions cloud mine. But, I planned to tell you. I did."

Felicity turned her head away. Removing her hand from underneath Oliver's, she croaked, "Tell me the rest."

Sitting back, Oliver blew out a breath. "So…I went to Samantha's house to ask her and she…she told me he wasn't mine."

Felicity's eyes snapped back to his. Then narrowed.

Oliver huffed out a laugh. Felicity was rather predictable. He could have mapped out her reactions to each piece of information to a T. "Yeah…she…I didn't really believe it either. So I was able to get a hair sample and run a DNA test and once I knew for sure William was mine—"

"Poor kid," Felicity muttered under her breath, looking away. "All the liars in his family, doesn't stand a chance."

"See!" Oliver grunted. "See! This is what I knew you'd do. You'd immediately get angry with Samantha…"

Felicity's eyes flashed.

And Oliver flinched, the fight going out of him before it even really set in. "I don't want to argue. Just…It's just that as soon as I knew he was my son, I knew exactly what you were going to say."

Immediately, Felicity was indignant, "I would never begrudge you your son. I wouldn't be angry about a ten-year-old affair—"

"Know that! I know." Oliver heaved to his feet, too restless to sit anymore. "Even though, I was pretty sure you weren't ready for kids, especially not a nine-year-old—"

"Oliver, I would—"

"Still, I know you would have embraced him immediately. I know you would have loved him and… look, that was the problem."

Felicity reared back, her whole face scrunching up in confusion and disbelief. "That makes no—"

"See, I knew what you would say." Oliver knew he was getting loud now, gesturing a little desperately as the words came faster in their need to escape his throat. "You would immediately tell me that I needed to claim him. You'd say that Samantha had no right to keep him from me and that I had rights too. You'd say that I would be a good father and that William deserved to know me. That your father abandoned you and I couldn't do that to him—"

"And that's a bad thing?" Felicity looked so hurt. Oliver really didn't want to hurt her, not any more than he already had.

"No! Yes…It's just I could imagine you bursting into that house like an avenging angel or blackmailing Samantha with cyber ruin or—"

"Not if you asked me not to!" There was the loud voice. Felicity was on her feet now, too, tears again running down her face.

"I know. I know…" Oliver said more softly, his hands up in surrender. "It's not that I didn't think you would hold back if I asked you to. It was that I didn't think I was ready to deal with the force of your…" he gestured helplessly to her, "…passion."

Felicity closed her eyes and fell back to the hay stack with a sob.

Great. This was going just about as badly as Oliver imagined it would. He fell to his knees in front of her, grabbing her hands, "Felicity, you know that I love you, that this doesn't mean—"

Felicity pulled her hands away with a wild, desperate sounding laugh, holding them up. "Don't. Just don't. Just… Just finish your story."

She sounded broken and Oliver wanted to cry as well, but pushed on. This seemed to definitely be one of those the only way out was through scenarios.

"So, I told myself…" It was difficult to get the words out with all the emotions that were choking him. Oliver closed his eyes. He couldn't watch her and speak. "I told myself that I needed to confront Samantha first, because I…because…Felicity, he looked really happy. William was really happy and normal and well adjusted. Something I never was. And that was all something I could fuck up for him so easily."

"Oliver…"

He opened his eyes to see Felicity looking at him again and she looked less devastated, more empathetic. It gave him the strength to go on.

"I bet you'd argue that point, if you weren't so mad at me," Oliver whispered, actually managing a smile.

"I..." a smile broke through Felicity's tears and it was like seeing a glimmer of sun through the clouds. "Probably."

Oliver met her gaze and wanted to reach for her but…he just really needed her to forgive him. "Felicity…back when I first found out Samantha was pregnant." He licked his lips and forced himself to maintain eye contact. "I thought…I wished…that she would chose to give the baby up for adoption."

He watched Felicity carefully for reprimand, but her eyes were still understanding, so he kept going. "I didn't want her to get rid of or lose the baby…" Great, there was the suffocating emotion again. "But I thought that…I didn't think either of us were ready for a child, I certainly knew I wasn't, and I thought that if we found the baby a good family, who could give him a good life…well, was leaving William with Samantha so different. I would have written away my rights to give him a chance ten years ago, what right did I have to barge in and destroy his happy home now?"

Oliver's head fell forward and he stared at the damp grass, fighting tears. When he felt a hand on his cheek, he jerked back up, his heart pounding.

"The difference," Felicity murmured, "was that you weren't given a choice." Turning his face, Oliver managed to press a kiss to her palm before she pulled away, saying, "And I don't believe you would choose to give your son up for adoption as the man you are today. You wouldn't chose the easy way out."

"No, I wouldn't want to give him away. And I wouldn't choose the easy way out, but…maybe, I would choose the safer way." Oliver pleaded with her to understand.

And it looked like Felicity did. But then she asked quietly, "But, he wasn't safe was he?"

It hit Oliver like a sledge hammer to the chest and he lurched back to his feet, pacing away. "No, he wasn't. I fucked up everything." There wasn't a hint of sarcasm in it.

"That's not what I meant," Felicity called softly, making Oliver turn back to her.

"Yeah, it was," Oliver chuckled self-deprecatingly. "It's ok. It's true, but I…I knew I would get off track." He paced back and sat back next to her, fixing his eyes off to the distance. "So, the second time I confronted Samantha about William, she told me that my mother paid her a million dollars to lie to me and disappear."

The noise out of Felicity's mouth was half gasp/half growl and Oliver wasn't sure if it was directed at his mother or Samantha.

"I know, but Samantha showed me the check. Uncashed." Oliver chanced a glance at Felicity and saw her surprise at that. "She said that after what my mother did, she decided that she wanted to keep her child out of the Queen's orbit, that she didn't want him in my world. She told me he was happy and well-adjusted and that she didn't want—"

"Oliver—"

"She told me William couldn't know I was his father." Oliver knew he had to keep going or he would never finish. "She told me if I wanted to know him at all, I wouldn't tell anyone about him."

"And that's when you decided you weren't going to tell me." The anger was back in Felicity's voice. "You decided to keep a promise to a woman you barely knew, who had been lying to you for a decade, and, instead, decided to lie to me, the woman you claim—"

"Don't say it!" Oliver yelled, angry too now. "Don't say it! Don't accuse me of not loving you, because this was never about that." He took a deep breath, tempering his tone, "And I didn't lie to you."

"What!?"

"It wasn't a lie! I told you there was a secret in Central City and that I planned to tell you later—"

"But you didn't—"

"No, I said it was over and it was!"

Felicity just glared at him in disbelief. She seemed finally out of words.

"It was, Felicity! God help me, I hated it, but it was." They were both back on their feet now. Both using the loud voices Oliver had wanted to avoid. "And it certainly didn't have anything to do with a promise to Samantha. You don't think I figured out that I could tell her whatever I needed to to see William and then come home and tell you everything? You don't think I knew where my loyalty lies? Oh and case you're wondering it was with you. It is with you."

"Then why didn't you, Oliver? Why didn't you?!"

"Because I couldn't tell you and do what I needed to do!"

"And what was that, Oliver!"

"If you'd let me finish…" Oliver collapsed back onto the hay stack again, exhausted. Why did he always end up yelling when he didn't want to yell.

"Fine, so finish," Felicity told him in a quieter, but still angry voice. "Finish the longest goddamn story in the history of the universe."

Oliver laughed. Because despite it all, Felicity still made him laugh. He really didn't know what he would do if he lost her. "I told her about you, Samantha. I told her you were really important to me and that I didn't want to lie to you."

"But you did." Felicity's voice was soft now.

"I told her your name and she said it was a nice name. I said you were a nice person. The best—"

"Oliver, is this important to the story?" Felicity sounded as tired as Oliver felt.

"It is, because you are an important part of the story," Oliver insisted.

Felicity's nose wrinkled like she might cry again and she murmured, "I can't handle much more."

"Ok. Ok. So, I…so, in that moment I would have promised Samantha anything for a chance to meet him. To meet my son? Do you understand that?"

"Yes," Felicity whispered, a soft tearful confession.

"So, I promised Samantha the world, not having any idea if I was going to keep the promise or not and I met my son…oh God, Felicity, he was wonderful."

Felicity let out a sob.

"Don't think for a moment that I didn't want to share that with you—"

"Just keep going," Felicity pleaded.

Oliver swallowed. "William was wonderful and I…I spend an hour with him playing Flash and Captain Cold. And I kept thinking that I just came from a fight with Vandal Savage, a 2000-year-old Immortal, and the worst villain in this kid's life is a plastic Captain Cold. And Samantha..." he laughed, the sound coming out deranged as his head fell back. "Samantha didn't want William to be in Oliver Queen's world. God, she had no fucking clue."

"Oliver—"

He kept going talking right over her, looking her in the eye and pleading with her. "Felicity, if we were still living in Ivytown, just you and me, I would have fought Samantha. I would have called Laurel and asked what we…yes, we, because I knew you would back me up, wouldn't you?"

Felicity nodded, tears falling.

"Asked Laurel to file partial custody papers or…something. But we didn't…don't live in Ivytown. We live in Star City. The most dangerous city in the country, worse than Gotham. And I'm running for mayor of that City. I'm a target for Darhk. You're a target for Darhk. And this was before he shot you. Felicity, for Christ sake, Ra's Al Gul waltzes into our secret Liar any time he wants. How do I insert a defenseless boy into that?"

"We could have kept him safe," Felicity said in a small voice, sad and unsure.

"I knew you'd say that," Oliver all but accused, pointing a finger at her before he could stop himself. "I had this conversation with you a million times in my mind and you'd say that…that you thought I'd gotten past this when we got together. That I didn't need to sacrifice my private life to be the Green Arrow, that I didn't need to push people away to keep them safe. That's what you would have said, right?"

"Well, yes, of course," Felicity admitted, her arms tightly crossed.

"And what else have you always said? That you knew the risks and you chose this life? That it was your right to chose?"

Felicity nodded, looking unsure.

"Well, William didn't chose this life. And, his mother, she was very clearly choosing to keep him away."

Sighing, Felicity paced away from him and Oliver let her, holding his breath. When she came back she was shaking her head. "This still doesn't explain why you lied to me."

"I didn't lie. I kept a secret."

"The distinction is irrelevant, Oliver."

Ugh. He would never win an argument with her. Never! "Fine, whatever, the fact is, I couldn't tell you and still do what I needed to do."

Felicity rolled her eyes. "And what was that?"

"Walk away!" he all but screamed. "I could never tell you about him and walk away. Felicity, you don't understand. I wanted him so badly. I wanted to be his father and introduce him to you and …I wanted to be a family." Oliver's voice cracked at the word and his vision blurred. "I wanted to talk to him every night and bring him to baseball games and be the three of us. I wanted it so badly I couldn't stand it." He was almost sobbing.

Felicity knelt in front of him, shaking her head. "Then why—?"

"Because that's selfish! And good parents aren't selfish. Good parents do whatever it takes to keep their kids safe. Healthy. Happy. And safe. I was not going to be able to tell you and walk away. The first argument you had, the first time you encouraged me to fight for him, I would have crumbled. I would have ruined his life, all because I didn't have the strength to walk away."

Felicity was crying with him now. "I still wish you had told me."

Oliver leaned toward her, wishing he was allowed to touch, to get comfort. "Honestly, Felicity, after I left their house I couldn't even say his name. I told Samantha I couldn't visit for a while. I just asked her to send me updates. I had to pretend he had been adopted. I had to lose myself in work and you. I needed to put him out of my mind. Once we were back in Star City it was all like a dream. See, I didn't lie. I really thought it was over. It had to be over."

And that was it.

The end of his story.

Oliver took a deep breath and searched Felicity's face. She looked wrecked, exhausted, shocked, confused. Tears stained her face. But this was it. It was his last chance. He risked taking her hand again and implored, "Do you understand?"

But the tears just started again and Felicity shook her head desperately. "I…I don't know. I—"

Oliver couldn't stand it. He wrenched away and stood, unable to watch while Felicity told him…while she left him. This had been his last chance to get her to understand and she didn't.

No, she did understand. She just thought it was all bullshit. And it was. Bullshit. It was idiotic. All of his thinking, all of it had been so very very wrong. And if he had told her when he should have, she would have made him understand that. And then, maybe, they wouldn't be in this position.

With Samantha dead and Felicity leaving him.

Oliver bent over in pain, gripping his hair tightly, feeling his sanity slip away.

"Oliver…"

Felicity was probably realizing how fucked up he was. She was probably glad for a reason to get out of this freak show before she made the biggest mistake of her life and married him. Opening his eyes, Oliver saw a large rock on the ground and picked it up, hurling it with all his strength.

"Oliver!"

"Of course, you don't understand!" Oliver screamed to the heavens. He couldn't rage at her and he had to rage at something, because everything he had built was tumbling down. "How could you understand when I was so wrong. So fucking wrong! How many times do I have to make the same mistake before I learn? Keeping secrets never works! Even when it's to keep people safe. Even when…"

Oliver roared at the sky like a mad man, yelling as loud as he could, "I just wanted to keep him safe, goddamn it! He is innocent. Couldn't I just have this one thing! Couldn't you just let him have his normal life! It's not his fault I'm his father. I gave up everything so he could be happy! Everything! And still everything is taken from him. Why?! Am I so cursed—?"

He felt Felicity's hands on his back and Oliver collapsed onto the dirt, sobbing like a child. Which, he supposed, was better than screaming like a lunatic.

But then, Oliver felt her arms close around him, and he cried harder, harder than he had cried since he was a child, melting into her, because even if Felicity was only holding him because she was a good person and she felt sorry for him. Even if she was going to leave him when she was done. Oliver was weak and pathetic and couldn't pull away.

"Shh," Felicity soothed, rocking him.

And Oliver laughed hysterically, because it was all so absurd. "I don't know how to do this without you," he confessed, a teary, snotty mess. "I don't know how to live without you anymore. And now my son is counting on me and I fucked everything up and now I can't even—"

"Shhh," Felicity cupped his chin, turning his face toward hers. She was crying too, but she wasn't a mess. Not at all. "You can. Am I allowed to talk now?" she asked, but she didn't sound angry. "Because I'm probably going to be passionate and opinionated and intense and I might even tell you I believe in you—"

Oliver could only sob.

"Can I?" Felicity asked softly.

Oliver nodded desperately. Anything. Anything she wanted.

Felicity met his gaze, with that steady, firm look he loved so much. "You can do this. I know you can—"

"Not without you." Because it was the truth. God, help him, it may be pathetic, but it was the truth.

Felicity closed her eyes and took a long breath. When she opened them, her eyes were still sad and hurt, but they were determined and…full of love. "Well, then, you are damned lucky you don't have to."