Hi. Attempt at kinda angst again?

My eyes glided over the mass of people when I finally spotted the woman I was searching for.

"Mrs. Abernathy-McKadden!" I ran up to her and skidded to a stop when I was close enough. She turned around but probably wasn't expecting the close proximity. "Goodness child! Don't scare me like that!" she was a blonde middle aged woman but with an extra flair for dramatics since she gave music and assisted in the Drama department. "Now. How can I help you?" she looked at me with a friendly smile and I smiled back. "I uh wanted to tell you that I'm performing alone at the talent show, but I also wanted to tell you that I'll be dedicating my performance to a well-known problem within my sexual preference." I chuckled awkwardly and scuffed my converse against the school floor.

The blonde woman blinked but then nodded understandingly. She put a hand on my shoulder and squeezed it. "Of course sweetheart, go right ahead. But, is there maybe something you want to get off your chest?" her eyebrow rose in question and I licked my lips. "No, nothing really, it's just nice to maybe have more representation around here." The teacher just looked at me with a knowing look but thankfully left it alone. "Alright then, but if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me." And with a final wink, she was off.

Releasing a breath I didn't know I was holding in, I started to walk to the hall that held my locker, the events of just a few moments still swimming around in my head. It was pretty known that I was out. Nobody really cared, the school was big enough to actually host a club for us but I didn't really feel like participating in it, so I politely declined when I publicly came out in tenth grade.

I slammed my locker shut and picked up my bag, swung it around my shoulder and turned around to head over to my last class for the day. I only had music left so that wasn't so bad, but seeing as Mrs. Abernathy-McKadden had asked our class to perform on the last talent show of our high school years, it would be an interesting lesson indeed.

Checking if I had everything with me, I began my trek down the hall to the music studio's at the back of the school.

The most melodic laughter I'd recognize anywhere, made me falter in my step. I looked up and saw the girl I've been crushing on since I knew what crushing meant. Her luscious pink lips glistening with her favourite chapstick, her blue eyes twinkling as her pearly whites became visible. It made my lips involuntarily spread in a small smile.

Then I heard that damned voice. His voice. Her boyfriend's voice. They'd been together for four years now.

It smacked me out of my stupor and I was hoping I could just quickly pass without confronting them. Unfortunately she saw me and we made eye contact. She grinned at me and it felt like I was being shot right in the heart.

I shakily smiled back and glanced at her boyfriend. He smiled at me and nodded his head in greeting as he put his arm around her and pulled her into him. She chuckled and leaned into him. It hurt.

Feeling light in my head, I gave him a tight lipped smile and quickly walked down the hall.

Just as I was turning the corner at the end of the hall, I turned around, hoping to just catch a final glance of the girl that's all I've ever been able to dream of since ninth grade.

My stomach turned when I saw her lips locked with her boyfriend, looking so in love as she pulled back. She pulled him in another hug and I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to keep it together. Wishing it were her arms.

They pulled away and she grabbed her bag, I knew she had the same class as me right now so I pulled myself together, trying to escape her before she could catch up to me.

Once again, lady luck wasn't on my side today.

"Chloe, wait!"

I had already braced myself for the impact in my chest that would follow as I heard her voice yell my name like that. Yell my name with that stupid little world that fucking meant the world to me.

Because I knew I would. For her. Always.

Her running footsteps came closer and I felt my hart mimic the fast pace the brunette was speeding to get to me. Tears pricked behind my eyes but I willed them away. I had tried to stay away from her for the past month, hoping, praying and begging that it would take my feelings away. That I'd get my shit together. Accept that I just wasn't meant to love her.

I turned around, in time to catch the girl of my dreams in my arms, to touch but not to keep. God damn it.

"Of course Becs"

I held the door for her open and blushed when she gently trailed her fingers over my cheek as she slowly passed me, into the studio. Clearing my throat I followed after her and took my usual seat on the second to last row by the window. The first thing I did was look out at the sports field that was located next to the back of the school. Students were wrapping up their games and waving goodbye to their classmates as they went off to enjoy their weekends. I sighed, hoping that Mrs. Abernathy-McKadden would let us out a bit earlier.

My mind was still up in the clouds when I suddenly felt a presence sit down in the chair next to me. I looked to the side and saw Beca with a sad smile on her lips. I painfully smiled back and turned to her. We were the first in the room and the lesson didn't start for another fifteen minutes so I could only assume that she wanted to talk.

"Hi." I cleared my throat again, licking along my dry lips and looking anywhere but at her as I waited for her to say something. I felt something soft but firm being placed on my chin before my head was gently turned to look straight at her. I gulped this time and tried to maintain eye contact as much as possible. "There you are." She said softly as she gently caressed my chin before letting her hand fall. It ached as I wished for her to just stay there for a few seconds longer.

I broke. "Look I'm sorry for well kinda avoiding you, I can't really say why but, yeah." I awkwardly explained. I knew she wasn't going to be satisfied with that so I held my breath.

The look in her eyes said enough.

"Do you seriously think I'd be good with that shit explanation? You avoid me. Your best friend. For weeks, without saying anything? You can talk to me Chlo, you know that." Beca grabbed my hand and held it between both of hers. It felt so warm. I didn't deserve it. Not with how I feel about her.

I gently grabbed my hand back and I could see the hurt flash in her eyes but I quickly put a few fingers on her knee. "It's not you Becs, I just have some issues and they are simply the ones you can't help me with." I gently started to rub her knee, trying to get her to leave it alone but not wanting to completely lie to her. Hoping to distract myself I kept staring at how my fingers were tracing her kneecap.

"Are people pestering you about your sexuality? Just tell me who they are and I'll have a word with them about human decency." Her words were soft but urgent, growling almost. She reached up to me and gently put a lock of hair behind my ear, tilted my head up again and leaning closer.

I felt my breath hitch and my heartbeat spike to speeds I don't even think it should be able to reach. "No, no Becs that's not it, nobody is bothering me. It's just personal stuff that I can't really share with anyone. I'm okay. When I'm not I'll always come to you first. You know that." Alright maybe that was a bit dirty but I really didn't want to do this right now. Or ever for that fucking matter.

She stared at me, and I stared back. We sat there for what felt and eternity. Then the bell rang but Beca still held my gaze, trying to find something I was just hoping to god wasn't visible in my eyes.

The hall was starting to get noisy so she slowly pulled back, still searching my eyes, an unreadable look on her face. I gulped and turned to the front of the room. The door swung open and students filled in with Mrs. Abernathy-McKadden being the last one to enter and close it.

"Hello class! I know, I know, it's the last lesson of today so we're going to take it nice and easy! We're just going to do a few warm ups and then start practicing."

She was already looking at me, with that same knowing look in her eyes, except I could now see the compassion in it and I nodded, not really looking at her as I grabbed my bag and walked over to the instrument racks. I looked over the wall, trying to find something to work with. My eyes fell on a little, simple Kala ukulele. It was nothing fancy but it would do the job nicely. I grabbed it off the wall and took it with me to one of the soundproof studios at the back.

The chord progression was almost done and I figured to just make up bits and pieces as I went, so I focussed on the lyrics. I already knew what I wanted to sing about but starting it was a whole other story. I tried to think of Beca, how I don't want to blame her, it wasn't her fault but I couldn't tell her that without telling her. But she put me in this fucked up state, she didn't allow me to think, I sometimes fucking resented her for that.

But then she'd smile or laugh or do something adorable and it just vanishes like fucking snow on the sun.

The fact that Jesse is a genuine good guy makes me want to scream.

I shook my head. Thinking like this wasn't going to get me anywhere. I looked at the clock and noticed that I had about half an hour before I had to wrap it up and head back into the main classroom. The booth was only blocking the sound from the outside but it still allowed muffled sound into it. I listened as I heard bands practice and voices harmonizing beautifully. A smile had grown on my face, it sounded so wonderful.

The booth had a big blacked out window so I could see everybody outside. My eyes immediately fell onto the tiny brunette that held my heart since the start. It kept me attached to her. I couldn't go anywhere with someone having my heart like that.

She was directing her group, no doubt practicing one of her mixes. I smiled wider as I watched her direct the basses and the sopranos, all the way to the altos. Of course she'd managed to gather the most people.

I quietly chuckled in the privacy of my booth and looked at the ukulele in my lap. Glancing up I stiffened when I saw her look straight at the blacked out window. Right at me.

I knew she couldn't see me but it still felt as if there was nothing between us, as if she knew where I was.

Before I knew it the words just came to me and I scrambled for the piece of paper with the chord progression. Jutting down the words as they kept coming and I kept glancing up, kind of paranoid that she'd actually seen me staring at her for god knows how long like a creep. Thankfully she'd fully turned back to her group but that didn't stop the words from coming.

All that hurt, the hate, the sorrow, the regret. The sadness.

All out there, on a sheet of paper, soon to be known to the person it was about.

Serves me right.

It was a month before the show and Beca decided to surprise me by coming over. We'd reconciled over the past month and it felt good to have my best friend back. The feeling were still there though, they'd always be probably but that shouldn't stand in the way of me having a friendship with Beca.

The brunette walked into my house and took a seat on my couch. I sat next to her and grinned "So to what do I owe the pleasure of having you grace your wonderful presence in my humble abode?" I rolled my eyes and chuckled as Beca smacked me on the shoulder.

"Well, I kinda broke up with Jesse?" my eyes flew wide. "You did what now!?" I stood and looked at her with disbelief. She just sat there calmly, what the fuck is this woman. "How are you so calm. You've been together for four years and now, out of the blue, you tell me you broke up with him? Why!?" I was freaking out, this is insane. Beca just laughed. "Well, I told him that I had other priorities that were more important to me and he couldn't handle them. So I told him to fuck off and learn some human decency." She smirked a bit and I didn't know if I wanted to hug her, strangle her or kiss her.

Definitely the latter tho.

I laughed and just shook my head, she tried to keep it in but she also busted out laughing eventually. "C'mon Mitchell, there is this new series on Netflix that I think you'll like." I grabbed her hand, for once not letting my feelings lead me in everything that wat Beca Mitchell.

We were up in my room, binge watching Disenchantment when she leaned against me. I tensed up, not really knowing what to do since hello, my raging feelings for this girl. She giggled and gently pulled my arm around her shoulders. The brunette snuggled into me and I could feel it getting considerably warmer in the room.

I began to sit up "Hey, do you maybe want to have a snack or a drink or whatever?" I adjusted my collar to have some of the warmth escape me because it was getting unbearable. Beca smiled and nodded at me. "I could eat some popcorn and a diet coke, please?" I nodded and made my way downstairs to get the food.

It was around fifteen minutes later that I came up the stairs and made my way into my room "Alright so I didn't really know what popcorn you wanted, so I made both, just grab what you wa-" I looked up and saw her looking at me with a deer caught in headlights look. I was puzzled at first, that was until I saw what she was holding in her lap.

My feelings book.

That thing held every little emotion, feeling and experience I had for the past year, every year I get a new one but this is the one where I finally came clean about my attraction to Beca.

Fuck.

I looked up at her and she was looking sadly at me, I couldn't bare it.

Not only did she betray me.

Now she knew.

"Get out." My voice was weak, unconvincing but it hurt to talk, to think, to be. Right now.

"Just… please get out Beca." I looked away, closing my eyes when I heard her softly close the book and gently put it down on my bed. She stood but didn't make a move to leave. "I asked you kindly to leave my house." I tried again. The brunette moved this time. But she didn't go, she walked towards me.

"Chloe, it's alright. I'm not freaked out. You could've just told me, you know. I wouldn't have thought differently of you." She tried to reach out but I stepped back. "You don't fucking understand Beca." I told her, my voice held no emotion. It hurt to see the hurt my words had caused with her but if it would make her go away, then I was prepared to do a whole lot worse.

"Then make me understand. I have no idea how it feels Chlo, I don't feel the same way as you do but I want to help, I want to be there for you. I don't want to lose you again Chloe!" she was moving closer again. God I couldn't stand it.

"You wouldn't understand Beca, you don't like girls. You like boys. That's how it's always been. You can't change that and frankly I don't think we should hang out anymore. I trusted you and you go and read something that holds everything about me." I was panting by the end of my speech, it hurt so much, I couldn't breathe.

She stepped closer again. The tears were running down her face. "Please Chloe I didn't mean it like that. I just wanted to know what was up with you. I was worried and you don't tell me shit anymore. I felt so helpless, you've been looking miserable the past months and it killed me to see you like that. You're my best friend Chlo." She was sniffing and struggling to keep speaking, it killed me, it suffocated me, she needed to go. I needed to go.

I put more distance between us and looked her in the eyes, they were red from crying and glassy but she still looked like the most beautiful girl in this whole wide world. The way I'd always seen her.

"I know you didn't but that still doesn't excuse our actions. I don't hate you Becs but I think we just need some space from each other." It hurt to say, god I was hurting so much just make it go away.

Beca was right in my personal bubble right now, if she tilted her head up our lips would meet. Her closeness had rendered me useless, I couldn't move, I could only surrender to Beca, Beca and her wonderful vanilla smell, her coconut chapstick and her enticing navy blue eyes.

"What if I don't want space…" she whispered in the little space that was still left between us. I couldn't help myself, my hands made their way to her hips and I gently kept them there. To ground me or to keep her away or to get her close I just didn't know shit anymore.

"Then you're the best mistake I'll ever make Becs." I didn't give her the opportunity to reply, I leaned in and kissed her.

It was bittersweet and I felt guilty about how fucking good it felt.

But by god if Beca Mitchell was a drug, then I'd been addicted since day one.

And frankly I'd die a happy death if it was at those lips desperately pressing back against mine.

I knew it.

I fucking knew it.

Tears were spilling from my eyes as I stormed through the halls.

After that fateful night where I'd kissed Beca, everything seemed fine. That had been two weeks ago. I'd kiss her and she'd kiss me back and we just kind of agreed something silently but god fucking damn it of course that wouldn't last. She'd made me the happies I've been in three years, she made me feel so fucking good. Like I could've taken on the world. I was just so fucking happy.

She'd never said anything, never hinted to anything just fucking why did she do it. Why couldn't she just go.

That would've saved so much for the both of us.

Because I know for sure that I won't be able to go back to the way things used to be.

And of course I had to hear it from Stacie. Stacie was the vice president of the LGBT+ club and Beca's best friend. I ran into her last week and we talk on a regular basis, seeing as we're pretty good friends and it felt good to have a bond with someone that isn't straight.

We were just sitting down for a coffee, I glanced at her and she seemed nervous, something Stacie just doesn't do. I asked her what was wrong and she came clean about it. How Beca had been talking about it with other girls, how she'd heard them make fun of me, without Beca doing shit.

I ran into the music studio, knowing for sure that Beca would be there. The studio was empty because only our class had a free hour now and most of the time they went to eat with others at the food courts so I knew we wouldn't be bothered either.

I looked around and saw her sitting on the piano bench, playing a little tune. She looked up when she heard the door and smiled, but it quickly fell when she saw how livid I looked.

Storming over to her I towered over her. "You know, I could be a bitch, tell you all about how it would be so much fucking better if you'd just be with me. Instead of any other guy. I could tell you that you belong with me, in my arms. I'll always treat you right and you fucking know that." My vision became blurry and my voice cracked from the lump in my throat. "But I can't change the way you feel Beca, and you should've just told me. Say that you've never felt anything for women. For me. Stop fucking hurting me like this Beca." I was tired, I couldn't speak louder than the broken whispers.

The brunette looked conflicted for a second before a fire started in her eyes. "Hurting you!? Did you ever even consider how I feel? My best friend ignores me for days on end. Doesn't fucking tell me why, doesn't talk to me anymore. I felt so fucking alone Chloe. I needed my best friend. I still need her." She was crying now to, aggressively wiping the tears away and continued speaking "I was afraid of losing my best friend. I still am Chloe. God damn it I want to help you, I know we can do this together. I admit I didn't use the best method to keep you with me but I just want you happy and by my side Chloe. That's all I fucking ask" she was shaking now, her tiny frame rattling from anger and fear.

I was speechless for a moment. She was right, I was a fucking worthless piece of shit to her for way too long. "well, sometimes you can't have both Beca. I'm sorry for not being considered of you. You're my best friend as well and I don't want to lose you either. But I really think we should keep some distance." I sniffed and kept holding her gaze. Those beautiful navy blue eyes.

She blinked and sighed, I could feel how hard this was for her, it was for me. Eventually she nodded. "Alright, you're right. But please don't cut me out of your life, I need you Chloe. More than you'll ever know. I'll give you time but please come back to me. Because I'll be waiting for you." She stated in a surprisingly strong voice. I was taken aback by it.

I smiled watery and nodded "I won't Becs, I need you too you know, you're important to me." She smiled and I laughed a bit. We were never going to be the same again, and that would be okay. Staying the same is boring anyways.

Maybe someday it will be different.

This was it.

Today was the day.

It was the night of the talent show and I was walking around backstage, I checked my gear and tuned my ukulele again. There was a table with snacks and drinks and I could see multiple people stress eat the mini donuts away.

The place smelled of mouldy socks and deodorant mixed with sweat. Why they picked the gym to do this of all places I'll never know.

I looked on sympathetically, trying to ignore the sting in my chest and the heavy feeling in my guts.

Making my way up the little wooden stairs to the stage I took a deep breath and tried to calm my nerves.

I gulped as I peeked around from the side of the stage where the whole school was sitting, talking and mingling amongst each other.

My eyes fell to the other side of the stage where the groups where doing last minute warm ups. I saw the brunette steering the little group, grinning as they hit all the notes right.

I began grinning unconsciously but shook my head when Mrs. Abernathy-McKadden strode past me with a wireless microphone and a million dollar grin. "Hello Barden High! Welcome to the annual talent show!" she waited until the cheering and clapping seized. "Thank you, thank you! We are starting the night with a few very talented students that signed up for this amazing event. Make some noise for Bumper Allen!"

"Alright that was… something else am I right!?" I snorted, that Bumper who'd opened the talent show chose to sing All of me. He wasn't bad just too focused on making it a show to actually sing? Yeah no, I'm pretty sure that if there weren't any teachers standing by the doors to patrol, everyone in the back would've slowly left already.

Every act after him was super good tho, there was this dude, Benjamin Appelbaum I think? He did a magic act and everyone was still in awe. Then our cheer squad performed a whole routine that had the whole school cheering, and then a pop rock band that had a badass drum chick, they covered all sorts of songs and played some requests.

They had the whole school in high spirits again, and I was afraid I was going to probably change that.

"Well, we enjoyed so many talented people tonight. Thank you all for your amazing performances and please keep on doing what you're doing!" Mrs. Abernathy-Mckadden cheered as she let the school calm down yet again. "Now! I'm proud to present you my very own class filled with talent! It's their last year here on Barden high. They've all been guided on this long journey since the beginning by yours truly and I'm so very proud of how far they've come." The whole school went wild again and I felt the nerves in my rise to my throat.

Mrs. Abernathy-Mckadden was still talking but I felt like I was under water.

Then I felt a familiar hand, softly being placed on my shoulder.

It felt like I was being pulled onto shore.

Turing around I saw those navy blue eyes that haunted my dreams every night. That made my heart beat as fast as a freight train and my whole body heat up.

They were filled with reassurance, calm and something else I couldn't really identify. She reached her arms around me and pulled me into a hug that felt like the first big breath you took after being under water too long and when I closed my arms around her and pulled her tighter against me. It felt like I had won gold in Olympic swimming.

She didn't need to say anything, I could feel it in everything she did, the way she held me, the way she squeezed me just that little bit tighter. In the way she burrowed her nose in my neck and in the way she looked at me as she pulled back.

I revelled in the soft, short kiss she left on my lips a moment later. I grinned as she rested her forehead on mine, I closed my eyes as I took in her ever so present vanilla smell.

"And now, to start off for this amazing class and set the bar super high!" a few students chuckled a bit and soft chatter began to spread around the gym. "Chloe Beale!" the school exploded in claps and cheers and I blushed a bit and chuckled when Beca giggled.

I opened my eyes and I felt my heart start to pound faster once again as I could see that emotion in Beca's eyes now. It was love. Her eyes were bursting with it.

The brunette leaned a bit closer and rubbed her noise against mine. "Go get 'em tiger" she whispered in the little space there was. I grinned and shyly closed the distance again. Tasting that addicting coconut flavoured chapstick.

So yeah, hundred points if you can guess the song I based this off on!

Also I kinda made a tumblr? I don't know I'll just leave it here and if you want you can go there or whatever, I'll post little updates there and maybe interact more with you guys! Send me some prompts or whatever XD. Also if you want to ask me something you can go ahead and do that there as well :)

Thatthiccmaiden

Just search that and you'll probably find me

~M