As the skies darkened, Leonardo ran at full tilt across the rooftops of the city. Normally he wouldn't be out so soon but there was little light with the oncoming storm and he was suffocating in the lair. Being out alone was also a bad idea, he'd scolded Raph for doing this very same thing before but he needed to escape everyone's questions and the looks they were giving him since training that morning.

Leonardo launched himself off a ledge without really calculating if he would make it to the next building, just jumping with all his strength. He managed to catch the edge of the building with his toes and came down into a roll across the roof. He was on his feet without stopping to catch his breath or even looking behind to see how close he'd come. He wasn't really worried about it, there were ways to stop his fall if it came to that and right now he just felt the need to run fast enough that he felt he was flying. The adrenaline and activity was giving his mind something else to focus on instead of what he was trying to leave behind him.

After their last failed mission they'd spent nearly a week without training, for rest and reflection, on Master Splinter's orders. Raph and Mikey needed the time to heal their wounds but Leonardo knew the reflection part was directed at him. Leonardo had come out of the battle practically unscathed, just a few cuts and bruises to add to the collection.

Leonardo spent most of his time in meditation. Some of it was directed by Master Splinter but most of it was done alone, erecting mental barriers to keep the intrusive memories at bay. He'd done it successfully many times before since his father had taught him the technique. It kept the dead bodies faceless, removed emotions from those actions and allowed him to do what needed to be done in the future without hesitation.

It wasn't working as intended.

He'd been fine while they stretched and practised katas but as soon as they began with weapons training and he'd taken the first swing at Mikey, something cracked inside of him. Leonardo blinked and he was in that dark street, his brother's body to one side and his sword slicing down through the air and into a man's shoulder, the wet sound of parting muscle and a snap as it cut cleanly through his clavicle. He'd had to put his weight on the blade for it to continue through ribs, the tip of the sword scraping roughly against the scapula until it was wedged in the man's chest.

With a foot against the soldier's abdomen he'd pulled his sword free, red spraying in an arch as the human gurgled. Leonardo watched in horror as his mouth filled with red liquid, staining his bared teeth, the man's face frozen in a terrified grimace. A fountain erupted from the deep slice once the blade was free, pulsing a couple times before he collapsed at Leonardo's feet.

By the time Leonardo had snapped out of his fugue-like state, his family was staring at him. He was panting harshly and his heart was beating wildly as his eyes darted around the room, his sword shaking in his unsteady hands. Donatello had taken a careful step towards him with a question on his lips when Leo failed to compose himself but Master Splinter cut him off and announced the end of the session.

The mental barriers hadn't stayed in place even with Master Splinter's help.

Something had broken inside of him and he was losing the careful balance he relied on to function. It was like the trickle of a cracked damn and he was falling apart no matter how hard he tried to contain it.

A flash of lightning tore across the sky and as if the following crack of thunder had opened up the clouds, it started to rain. Icy droplets pelted against his skin, stinging and making his teeth chatter. It probably wasn't all from the cold water, some of it had to do with the fading adrenaline he was relying on when he slowed his pace to account for the loss of traction.

Taking a moment to look around he realised he was near the Brooklyn Bridge. He'd picked a direction at random and had been steadily travelling south. He remembered fighting on this very bridge, back when things had started getting complicated. He'd defeated the Daimyo's son here in a death-match. Leonardo's father had showered him with praise and affection that night, enough that in his elation he hadn't bothered to press Master Splinter about the reasons why he'd kept this part of his life a secret from them. And didn't think about how he'd been forced to either fight in a duel to the death against a stranger or to forfeit his family's lives.

Before he knew what he was doing he was climbing up the wires to the top of one of the towers where he'd fought. Where he'd won. Maybe he was chasing that feeling of conquest and pride. He might just be looking for that additional exertion to keep his mind on the steady ascent and the next slippery handhold on the wet wire instead of the images in his head. The deafening sound of the pouring rain and occasional claps of thunder also helped to drown out the echoing screams and noises of slaughter.

By the time he reached the top and ran out of places to go, his mind was back to the things he wanted to avoid.

Leonardo perched himself on the ledge and looked down as he forced his mind to recall. He'd fallen during that duel. He'd also clawed his way back up and claimed victory. Why couldn't he claw back this time?

"Pull yourself back together," he ordered in a low voice.

He'd left the lair when Donatello tried talking to him about veteran soldiers coming back from the war, a worried and fidgety Michelangelo in the background. He was using that careful, gentle tone of voice he used when he was trying to tell you something was a terrible idea without hurting your feelings. He hated being the target of that tone but Leonardo had been jumpy and distracted all week. Very unlike himself. And then with the disastrous training session... no wonder they were worried.

I can't afford to fall apart, he thought to himself.

Last time he'd fallen apart he was sent away on the other side of the globe and while he was grateful for the extra training and the peace of mind it brought, his family had nearly been destroyed in his absence. He didn't want to have to leave them again. He didn't think he could do it and preserve his sanity. He didn't want to be sent away to be fixed.

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!" He yelled at the sky as a streak of lightning illuminated it. When the thunder began rumbling, his question became a senseless scream of fury and frustration and fear.

His scream ended in a surprised yelp as he was dragged off the ledge.

"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?" Raphael's unmistakable, gravelly voice hollered in his ear as they fell back with a thump, sitting down a ways from the edge.

Still partially stunned by the turn of events, Leonardo sat with his back against the stronger turtle for a few seconds and said the first thing that came to his mind. "You shouldn't be out here, you're still injured."

"WHAT?!" Raphael said after another few seconds of silence.

"I said-"

"I heard what you said!" Raphael interrupted.

It was then that Leonardo noticed he was pinned against his brother. Raphael had his arms around him and locked firmly in place, trapping Leonardo's arms against his sides.

When he tried to get up and Raph wouldn't let him, Leonardo began to struggle. "Raph! What!? Let go!"

"So you can take a swan dive into the East River?" Raphael angrily snapped back. "No way in Hell. We're fine right here until you talk to me."

Leonardo stopped struggling while he digested those words. Then he began struggling in earnest.

"What?! No! You've got it wrong! That's not what I-"

"Wrong answer." Raphael tightened his hold. "Stop squirming! We ain't leaving here until you start talking and you can bet I'm not past using the emergency signal to get Donnie and Mikey over here to haul you back to the lair."

"Just let me explain! It's not what you think! I was just going for a run to clear my head." Leonardo couldn't believe what Raphael was implying.

"Like Hell that's what that was!" Raphael yelled at him. "I thought you knew I was following you but you didn't even look back once. You were tryin' to get yourself killed out there!"

This conversation wasn't going anywhere with Raph. Leonardo managed to twist a hand up enough to pinch a pressure point under one of Raph's arms. After a colourful curse from his brother, Leonardo sprung free but he was grappled to the ground in a couple steps. At this distance, even with a numb arm, Raphael had the upper hand. They were face-to-face this time, Raph using his weight and larger size to pin Leo carapace-down under him.

"That's not what it was! I would never do something like that! Raph, just listen!" Leo half pleaded, half ordered.

"Don't think I can't see it Leo! We all see it!" Raphael shouted in his face. "I might not be as smart as Donnie but I ain't stupid. I know there's something wrong you haven't told us. There has been for a long time and it keeps getting worse. Tell me I'm wrong!"

Leonardo finally stilled. Raphael sounded angry, he always sounded angry but when he took a moment to look at him he looked... terrified. His amber eyes looked wet and too wide, and even though he was pinning Leo, his whole body was shaking and it wasn't from the cold. It had stopped raining a while ago and Raphael's skin felt dry and warm.

"I know I ain't your first choice for this but... talk to me," Raphael begged.

Leonardo shook his head and turned away. "There's nothing..."

"Did seeing me get hurt mess you up this bad? Was it me?" Raphael asked and as soon as the words were out of his mouth Leonardo froze.

They weren't on top of the Brooklyn Bridge. They were in a dark street. Raph's body was face-down on the concrete in a pool of blood and he couldn't tell if it was mostly his or belonged to the dying and dead foot soldiers around them. But his brother wasn't moving and he was too frightened for a handful of seconds to check if he was still breathing, if there was a pulse. After the frenzy of blood and violence and the urgent need to eradicate the ones who would hurt Raphael, there was nothing.

Only silence.

"-okay. It's okay. Leo, stop, it's okay. I'm right here." Raphael's voice tuned out the deafening silence of the street in his mind and Leonardo blinked to find himself breathing frantically under his brother.

"I can't... I can't!" Leonardo panted and his struggling became frenetic. He wasn't even thinking about how to get loose, being pinned down was just making the already impossible task of breathing in and out that much harder.

Raphael must have noticed he wasn't helping because he let him up, though he kept a grip on him as Leonardo scrambled to his feet. He needed to escape, to keep running and try leave the nightmare behind. He couldn't let Raph see him undone like this. "I need to... I can't... I-"

Instead of letting him go, Raphael pulled him closer and held him in a firm but gentle hug. "I'm right here, Leo. I ain't going nowhere. I'm right here. They didn't get me. I'm not leaving you."

Rather than trying to escape, Leonardo clung to Raphael and his words. He let out a choked sob that was half relief and half pain because he wasn't... He hadn't been okay. Raph had been a body on the floor, face down in a pool of blood and he'd almost lost him because he'd used him as a shield and it had nearly cost him his life.

"I can't..." Leonardo sobbed against his brother's neck. "Raph, I'm sorry."

"Shhh, it's okay. I got ya. It's okay. I love you Leo, I love you so much... I ain't going nowhere." Raphael answered quietly.

They struggled a bit more, this time because Leonardo couldn't get close enough even if he was already gripping Raphael tightly to him. He could only press his face to Raph's neck to feel the strong, quick pulse of his heartbeat against his snout.

Raphael shifted against him and then he was covering Leo's mouth with his own, pressing their lips together in a brief kiss that made any thoughts in Leo's head dissipate with the unexpected move.

Leonardo opened his eyes to find Raphael's uncertain amber gaze searching his own. He was frozen in place, not sure of what he should be doing but still not ready to let go even if Raph was slowly moving in to kiss him again.

Raph's lips felt feverish as they brushed tentatively against his own. Leonardo briefly thought about pushing him away but his mind was filled with Raphael. Raphael who was in his arms, warm and strong and alive and he couldn't let go, if only to convince himself that it was true.

The skies had cleared as they made their way home, Leonardo could see the crescent moon between the remaining clouds and before he stepped into the sewers he breathed the stormy air deeply. They ran back to the lair at a leisurely pace, taking their time and in silence. Leonardo hadn't spoken except to tell Raph they should go home.

He wasn't sure what that kiss meant, what it had changed, if it had changed anything at all. Leonardo only knew that his mind was free of those memories and filled with thoughts of Raph. Of Raph telling him he wasn't leaving, that he was okay and he loved him. For now, that was all that mattered and he held on to those thoughts fiercely.