Hi everyone! Sorry it took me so long to update this fic, I've actually had it written out for quite a while but due to some health issues, I've been unable to upload it until now. Anyway, here it is. I hope you enjoy it!
Dean was sitting at Sam's bedside, eating a sandwich, when Sam began to wake. Dean was instantly alert to the slightest movement from Sam. His little brother's face pulled into a frown as he began to regain consciousness.
"Sammy? You with me little brother?", coaxed Dean.
Sam's eye's fluttered open, scanning the room before allowing them to fall on Dean. Dean almost flinched at the look in Sam's eye's. He looked defeated.
"Dean?" asked Sam quietly.
"Yeah, I'm here Sammy", grinned Dean.
"What happened?" inquired Sam.
"We'll talk about that later, okay buddy?", said Dean gently.
"No, what happened, Dean? The last thing I remember was mom...I remember being in that chair with Harrison about to shoot me and then it's all blank. What happened? Is everyone okay? Ketch...is he still...he's going to come back for me! He won't just let me go", stuttered Sam as panic built in his voice.
"Hey, it's okay. Ketch is gone, he's dead. The British Men of Letter's aren't going to be a problem anymore. You're okay", soothed Dean.
"He's dead? He's dead", nodded Sam, "How am I okay? I didn't feel okay".
"You weren't. Ketch did a number on you. You had serious internal injuries and went into shock from the blood loss. You were in a coma and you almost died. You would have died if Cas' angel friend, Apphia hadn't saved you", explained Dean reluctantly.
"Are you okay?", asked Sam in concern.
"I'm fine, Sammy. What about you? Do you want to talk about what happened to you or about mo...", began Dean.
"You know, I think I'm actually pretty hungry", interrupted Sam, avoiding the subject completely.
Dean sighed. He wasn't so fond of talking things out either, but Sam had been through hell. He'd been through horrific torture and his mother had essentially sentenced him to death. Dean understood Sam wanting to avoid it, but he worried that if he didn't process this, it would eat him up.
"Okay, let's get some food", agreed Dean with a sigh, "You okay walking?"
"Yeah, I feel fine Dean", reassured Sam.
Dean hovered by Sam as they walked through the bunker. Sam was quiet and it only made Dean worry more.
"Cas is in the kitchen. He was parked up by your bed too, so were Jody and Jess. They only left your room to sort out dinner. The other's stopped by but then left to go back home. They wanted me to keep in touch and let them know how you were. Eileen had stuff to do, but she's going to head back when she can. She wants to see you up and about in person", informed Dean.
"That's thoughtful of them, but I'm fine. Is she here..." began Sam before trailing off.
"She's not here. I told her to stay away", admitted Dean, aware of what Sam was trying to ask.
"You don't have to do that. Not for me. She's your mom, Dean. You don't have to cut her off", shrugged Sam quietly.
"She stopped being our mom the moment she stopped acting like one", scowled Dean as they arrived in the kitchen.
Cas looked up and plastered an unnatural looking smile on his face. Jess turned around too, smiling in relief at Sam.
"You're awake!", exclaimed Jess as she threw her arms around Sam's neck. The gesture was familiar, but so out of place, too. It had been so long since he'd been with Jess, since he'd felt as safe as he did back then. It felt unreal now, like a dream, but the hug felt so good that he allowed himself to be comforted by it before she let go and walked back to the kitchen.
She pushed a plate in front of him.
"It's spring chicken, eat up", instructed Jess softly.
Sam complied and pretended not to notice the, far from subtle, looks that Dean, Cas and Jess were passing one and another.
"Where's Jody?" Asked Sam.
"She went on a food run, but she's going to stick around for a little while. Claire is still hunting and Alex is staying with some friends for a few days anyway, so she'd only be alone", explained Dean. Sam merely nodded.
"So, Sam. How are you?" Questioned Cas.
"I'm fine Cas, your friend fixed me up good as new", answered Sam.
"Yes, but I was referring to your psychological well-being rather than your physical well-bei...", began Cas.
"I said that I'm fine!", snapped Sam.
"Sammy...", started Dean softly.
"I'm sorry, Cas. I'm just tired still. I think I still need to catch up on some sleep", excused Sam.
"You just woke up", acknowledged Dean.
"I don't know if it's the healing or the injuries, but I'm still burnt out so I'm going to lie down", lied Sam as he stood and left the room.
Dean didn't want to let him go. He knew his brother's head was likely to be a storm of nasty memories and thoughts right now, but he knew pushing Sam wouldn't achieve anything anyway. So he let Sam disappear down the hallway.
"I'm sorry, Dean. I didn't mean to make Sam uncomfortable", apologised Cas.
"You didn't make him uncomfortable, Cas. Being tortured and let down by Mary is what made him uncomfortable", reassured Dean.
"So, what do we do now?", asked Jess with a sigh.
"We wait until he's ready to talk", replied Dean simply.
Sam shut his bedroom door behind him. He leant against the door and allowed his back to slide down it until he was crouched on the floor with his knee's to his chest.
Sam didn't mean to snap at Cas. He knew that he was only concerned, as were Dean and Jess. He knew they were trying to help him, but Sam just wanted things to go back to normal...well, as normal as their lives have ever been.
Sam didn't remember the hospital, but he remembered everything else.
He remembered feeling his bones splintering as Ketch crushed his hand. He remembered every second that his skin was being assaulted by a blow torch. He remembered the blood, the cuts and the punches in all of their glory. He felt every second of it, each new wave of pain bringing back heart stopping memories from several past situations that held similarities to this one.
The cage, specifically.
Sam had been in these kind of situations on too many occasions, but it never desensitised him to it.
Not after the Cage.
He didn't want to think about that. Ketch's torture had been child's play compared to Lucifer's work, but that didn't make having your bones crushed, hurt any less, but it did make those past memories, that much more vivid.
Then there was Mary.
Sam had been so relieved when Dean showed up. He was seriously injured and in shock, but the disorientation didn't make Dean's arrival any less sweet.
After Dean had arrived, he floated in and out of consciousness, but he was fully awake when he heard Mary say his name. When she'd chosen for him to die.
On a rational level, Sam could recognise that it was an impossible decision and that she was forced into it. Rationally, Sam knew that he had wanted Mary to choose him to die rather than Dean. Rationally, he knew that Mary didn't want to make the choice and it didn't mean that she didn't care about him. But Sam didn't feel rational right now. He couldn't help but think about how distant Mary had been. She was distant to both of them, but she had at least text Dean regularly.
Sam wondered if Mary secretly did hate him. Did she blame him for her death? Yellow eye's did want him after all. Was she disappointed in the man he had become? Maybe she just didn't like him. Mary and Dean had so much in common. Their taste in music and food. The way they present themselves and interact with people. They were so alike and Sam wasn't. He didn't fit. Just like he'd never fit. Sam knew Dean loved him. He'd always made Sam his priority, but Dean didn't have much of a choice in that. Whenever Dean had a chance at happiness, Sam seemed to be the thing in the way of it. Even now, Dean wasn't talking to Mary out of loyalty to him. He wasn't talking to the mother that he'd idolised for years. It was because of Sam and Dean's loyalty to him that the situation was so bad between Dean and Mary.
Maybe Mary saw that. Maybe she remembered what their life had been like before Sam was born. Just a normal mom and dad with their little boy. Until Sam came along and ruined all of their lives.
Sam berated himself. He was being pathetic and wallowing and he scolded himself for it. He was being dramatic. He wanted to let it go. Move on from it, rather than dwelling on it, but Sam's brain couldn't catch up with what he wanted. So the memories of torture and the pitiful thoughts about his burden to his family kept going around in his head. He'd felt this hopeless before. After Jess, after he let Lucifer out, after the cage memories came back, after Gadreel and particularly during the trials. He wasn't new to these feelings, but he never got used to them.
Maybe he would feel better after getting some sleep. He hadn't been lying when he said he was tired. He did feel tired. He always felt tired. However, Sam knew it wasn't going to go away with a nap, but sleeping sounded better than being awake in his head right now.
Sam knew he wouldn't be able to fall asleep naturally so he got up and walked to the bathroom. They had a stash of prescription meds in the bunker in case they were hurt on hunts, so Sam grabbed some pills that he knew would help him to sleep and swallowed them dry. He quickly made his way to his bed before collapsing himself down onto it. Waiting for sleep to give him a break.
"Did Sam say anything to you?" Inquired Jess.
"Just that he was fine", replied Dean.
"Well, maybe he is fine? I can't imagine that anyone would be fine after what he went through, but from what you've told me, he's used to going through a lot. Maybe he is okay", said Jess. Dean could tell from Jess's tone that she didn't really believe her own suggestion.
"No, he's not okay. He just feels like he has to be", stated Dean.
"Did he mention Mary?" Wondered Cas.
"He just said that I didn't have to cut her off. That she was my mom and I didn't have to cut her out because of him", sighed Dean.
"God, I could only imagine how he must feel. If my parents had been in that situation and chose me, it would have killed me", added Jess.
"I understand that Sam's feelings are hurt, but Mary does love him", offered Cas.
"She hasn't really shown that", said Dean.
"I know that Mary isn't your favourite person right now, but maybe it would help if she came here? If she explained things to Sam and let him know that she was here and that she cared, maybe it would help?" Suggested Jess.
"Having Mary here won't help. He'll just forgive her and end up feeling guilty for feeling bad about what happened. We're the one's who need to help him", insisted Dean.
"Okay then, that's what we'll do", agreed Jess.
Dean, Cas, Jody and Jess were all hanging out in the war room. Sam had been asleep for a couple of hours now and Jody had returned from the food run. She'd also picked up some alcohol and the four of them sat around the table drinking and sharing stories. Jody shared cop stories, Cas heaven stories, Jess childhood stories and Dean hunting stories.
They relaxed and laughed at their friends' anecdotes until Dean realised that he had an opportunity. Being able to hear Jess's stories was an amazing opportunity for Dean because she spent years with Sam when the two of them were separated. So much of his brother's life in the years he'd left for college, we're a mystery to him. After Jess's death, Sam hadn't wanted to talk about it much and it felt good to be able to hear about a time when Sam was safe, in love and happy, so he steered the conversation back to his brother.
"What was Sam like in college?", asked Dean, "for a lot of kids, college is all about the partying but that's not Sam".
"Yeah, that wasn't Sam", laughed Jess, "For Sam, it was all about the education. At first I wondered if he had some super intense family that put a lot of pressure on him to do well, but in the end I realised it was all him. One of the things I loved about him was his love of learning and knowledge. I loved the way he was unapologetic about it too. He didn't care that he was, sort of a nerd. I dragged him out a few times, but mostly it was school work or just the two of us, hanging out together".
"He's still like that. When it comes to researching for a hunt, he gets really into it. When we first found the bunker, it was like heaven to him with the amount of information they have. He's still a huge dork", smiled Dean affectionately, "although, apparently he's not a complete shut-in. He told me he did pot in college".
"That was right at the beginning, before we were together, but from what I hear, he ate a brownie and he was very dopey", laughed Jess.
"...Was he happy? It's just, it's my job to look after Sam. It's more than a job, he's the most important person to me and he was away from me for 4 years and anything could have happened...was he happy?" Asked Dean cautiously.
Jess paused, considering the question.
"I think so", nodded Jess, "I could tell that he missed you and it was clear that he was always haunted by something but he was mostly happy. He pushed himself a lot. Sometimes he'd get so caught up in work that I was the only reason he'd eat or sleep because I forced him to. He used to seem a little on edge and there were occasional panic attacks. His life at Stanford wasn't perfect, but I think he was content. He loved school and he always made sure I knew how much he loved me and how grateful he was to have me in his life. I think if he'd have had you in his life whilst he was at Stanford, he'd have been really happy".
"I'm glad he had you", smiled Dean. He hated thinking about the time they'd spent apart. He especially hated thinking about Sam hurt without him there, but Dean could picture Sammy's life with Jess and although Sam may have still had his own issues, it sounded like the closest thing to happy that Sam had ever been given.
The conversation between the friends turned back to lighter subjects as they laughed and joked with one another.
Jody was in the middle of trying to explain some joke to Cas when a bloodcurdling scream echoed through the bunker.
Sam was trapped. He couldn't see anything but he could hear and feel everything. His eye's were covered or maybe they were missing from his head, Sam wasn't sure. The only thing he was sure of was pain. There was so much pain.
At some point, he was given his sight back. He was in an empty cellar with Toni, reliving the greatest hits from his time with her. He could take it. She couldn't break him.
Toni glared at him intently, face directly in front of Sam's as she held a bloody blade in her manicured hand. Sam's eye's were wide in horror as Toni's face morphed into Ketch's. He felt his hands, shattering under the pressure of being crushed. He felt the white hot pain of a blow torch to his skin. He felt it all, all over again.
Sam panted as his body worked hard to compensate for his injuries. His body ached to scream, to release some of the painful energy, but he couldn't make a sound.
Ketch moved towards Sam, displaying a menacing smile as he playfully swirled a blade in his hand. Sam braced himself and Ketch aimed for the face. Instantly, blood flowed freely until it cascaded into his eye's and filled his vision with red.
Sam couldn't see through the coat of blood, but Ketch's voice had disappeared. He could no longer hear the slight tapping of feet against the floor or the scrape of metal as Ketch chose his next toy.
For a moment Sam thought that he may be safe. Maybe Dean had saved him.
As the sticky blood began to clear, making his surroundings visible, Sam wished that he couldn't see. Because this couldn't be happening. He'd recognise it anywhere. He'd spent 5 times the amount of time here than he had done on earth.
The cage.
The cellar had gone and he was in the cage which meant one thing. Lucifer. The icy air bit his skin and the familiar smell of flesh and blood drifted up his nose.
Sam tried to scream and to struggle. He used every bit of the strength he had to try and escape but it was fruitless.
Lucifer stalked around Sam with his, all too familiar, sadistic grin plastered on his face.
Lucifer tortured Sam like he had all those years in the cage. After a while, Sam noticed another shadowy figure behind Lucifer. They walked round until they were side by side and she became visible to Sam. It was Mary. Sam felt tears fall down his face as Lucifer laughed. Mary, his mom, placed a hand on Lucifer's shoulder and planted a soft kiss on his cheek before gently pushing him forward towards Sam. Lucifer smiled gleefully as he continued to torture Sam, but this time, being directed by Mary. His throat ached from screams that were never voiced and his heart ached with betrayal. Lucifer crouched down until his piercing eye's were level with Sam's. Sam's breath caught in his throat and just as Toni's face had morphed into Ketch's, Lucifer's face melted into Mary's until she was the one tearing Sam apart.
Sam wanted to scream. This time, not just because of the physical pain, but because of the mental wounds from seeing his own mom torturing him in the cage he'd spent too much time in.
Suddenly, he was no longer muted and the screams he'd been dying to let out, burst from his mouth in an agonising roar as Mary continued to torture him.
Dean, Cas, Jody and Jess all scrambled to their feet without a word. They were intent on getting to Sam. They all knew that the scream belonged to him and he sounded like he was in agony. They were all ready to face off with a monster. So sure that something had to have gotten in to produce that sort of sound. All except for Dean. Dean wasn't expecting to see any monster. He had a feeling in his gut that the only monster's hurting Sam were the one's in his own head.
He instincts were confirmed when they arrived in Sam's room to find him tossing and turning in his bed. His sheets were a tangled mess, his hair wet with sweat and sticking to Sam's forehead. Sam's face was scrunched up in a grimace and Sam was screaming. He just kept screaming with no breaks or stops. Screams echoed through the quiet walls as the onlookers stood helplessly.
Sam's cries stopped, only to be replaced with pleading and apologies. Dean decided to risk being punched by a disorientated and sleepy little brother, despite what their father had always taught them about not waking up someone in the throws of a nightmare. Right now, he didn't care.
"Guys, do you mind leaving? Sam will be embarrassed if he wakes up with everyone staring at him", asked Dean softly.
"Of course", nodded Jody in understanding.
Cas and Jody left Dean alone with Sam. Jess looked hesitant to leave Sam, but followed them out.
Once alone, Dean knelt beside his brother's bed.
"Sam? It's okay, Sammy. You're okay", soothed Dean as he softly shook his little brother's shoulder. Sam didn't awake straight away, it took a little bit of coaxing but eventually Sam's eye's flew open. His eye's were wide and panicked, Sam panted as he took in his room. It seemed to take a while for Sam to get his bearings and realise that he was safe, in the bunker.
Once he did realise, his cheeks flushed and he quickly sat up. He avoided Dean's stare as he untangled his legs from the bed sheets.
"Was I screaming?", asked Sam quietly.
"Yeah", admitted Dean.
"Did everyone hear?", questioned Sam. Dean hesitated, knowing his brother would be embarrassed.
"I take that as a yes", sighed Sam.
"Don't stress it, Sammy. Everyone has nightmare's", reasoned Dean.
"Not everyone screams bloody murder", countered Sam.
"It doesn't matter, they're family...It sounded like a bad one. Was it about Ketch?" Wondered Dean.
"There were a few people; Toni, Ketch, Lucifer...mom", admitted Sam. Dean winced.
"Want to talk about it?" Offered Dean.
"No...but thanks", smiled Sam briefly.
"I'm always here Sam", stated Dean.
"I know and I'm thankful, but right now, I don't want to hash it all out again", admitted Sam, "I do want to know what happened. The full story".
"Okay", conceded Dean.
Dean had filled Sam in on everything. From Jess taking him to hospital, Dean getting shot, Cas being stabbed, the group getting locked in the base, the help from the other elder's and Mick and Hiram's death.
"We should give Mick a hunter's funeral", stated Sam.
"Already took care of him...you were out for a couple of days after Apphia healed you", explained Dean.
"I feel so stupid. I should have known not to go there and now two people are dead", sighed Sam.
"Sam, they used spells on you. You can't blame yourself for this", reasoned Dean.
"I should have been able to fight it", fretted Sam.
"You did nothing wrong, end of discussion", insisted Dean.
Sam raised an eyebrow at Dean, scrutinising him.
"It's not your fault either, by the way. What happened with Ketch and with me, that's not on you. I know what you're like and I know you take these things on your shoulder's but you shouldn't. You got me out of there", said Sam.
"Not soon enough", grumbled Dean.
"I'm alive, aren't I?" objected Sam as he rolled his eye's.
"Because of Apphia, not me", argued Dean.
"I would never have gotten out of there in the first place, if it wasn't for you. So quit it with the guilt", instructed Sam.
"You're really lecturing me on healthy emotional reactions?" scoffed Dean.
They both laughed and fell silent, both staring intently at inanimate objects.
"You didn't give Jess a hard time did you?", asked Sam, breaking the silence.
"Huh?", questioned Dean in confusion.
"The whole thing with the British Men of Letters and Jess originally working for them...you didn't blame her when I was gone or give her hard time did you?", questioned Sam.
"No, I didn't. I know that she didn't have the full information and those jack ass's lied to her, I don't blame her. Plus, she was pretty much on our side from the get go, once she realised you were a good guy. She was really cut up when we found you so hurt", said Dean, "have you thought that maybe this could be your second chance?"
"Second chance?", frowned Sam in confusion.
"With Jess. There was a time when you were planning on settling down with her. You were going to have a normal life with her until she died and now she's back and I think she still loves you and I think you still love her", proposed Dean.
"No, I haven't wanted that life in a long time Dean and I'm not leaving you and Cas", replied Sam.
"It's not like it was back then, I'm not going to stop talking to you if you want to go off with Jess and make a life for yourselves. We'll still be brothers and you're not denying that you love her", pointed out Dean.
"I don't think I ever really stopped loving her and there'll always be a part of me that does but too much has happened. It's been years and I'm not the same person anymore. If she know's what's good for her, she'll leave and not look back. I'd only end up getting her killed again. Beside's, us? This place? It's my life and I don't want to give it up", explained Sam.
"Fair enough, it's not like I want you to leave, I just want you to be happy, but I'm glad you're sticking around, Sammy", smiled Dean, "Now, enough of this mushy crap. I think we should pick up some movies and have a marathon with the other's. Stock up on popcorn and candy and do nothing but relax for a few days".
"We can't, we have to work", protested Sam.
"You know what? We'll get back to work, we will but right now I just want to spend some time relaxing with my family, in a situation which doesn't involve one of us almost dying. So we're having a movie marathon and that's the end of it", grinned Dean.
"Okay", agreed Sam with a smile.
"So, we need supplies", announced Dean.
"I just went out and got food", exclaimed Jody.
"Yeah, but that wasn't a run for movie supplies. We need pie, popcorn, peanut M&M's, red vine's, Reese's cups, Cheetos's and probably a whole bunch of other things that I've forgotten to mention", insisted Dean.
"Fine, but I'm going to prepare some actual food for those of us who don't want to rot our inside's", laughed Jody as she walked away.
"I'll go", offered Sam.
"You always forget the pie", complained Dean.
"I promise that I won't forget the pie", laughed Sam.
"Okay then, don't be long. I'm going to set up a TV in a bigger room", told Dean.
"See you soon", waved Sam. Sam was glad that Jody, Jess and Cas were in the kitchen because he didn't want anyone to come with him to the store. He needed to do something and he needed to do it alone.
Sam leaned against the hood of the impala, parked only 15 minutes away from the bunker. He stood lost in thought, but the rumble of a car engine brought him back to the present. The car came to a stop near the impala.
Sam felt his chest tighten as he saw Mary climb out of the car.
Sam had called her and asked her to meet up with him. He need to talk to her because he was going crazy thinking about everything that had happened. He wanted to talk to Dean about and maybe had Mary come to the bunker but he knew Dean would never go for it. Dean hated Mary for ever allowing Sam to come into harms way and Sam knew Dean wouldn't budge on it.
Mary walked up to Sam cautiously, her face full of guilt and apprehension.
She went as though she was going to hug Sam, but hung back, nervously.
"Sam, it's good to see you. I was so worried about you", began Mary.
Sam didn't reply. He began to wonder if he'd made a mistake because he had no idea what to say to her or why he was even doing this.
"Sam, I want to talk, to explain. I miss you boy's. Can we go somewhere? A diner maybe?" Pleaded Mary.
"I can't. I have to pick some food up for Dean, I can't stay out long", breathed Sam quietly.
"Okay, but we can talk here? You rang me, you must have wanted to talk", pointed out Mary.
"I think it was mistake", said Sam quietly.
"Sam, I know I hurt you and I'm going to have to live with that for the rest of my life but I love you", insisted Mary.
"Do you?" Choked Sam. He felt a little childish for saying it, but he couldn't help it.
"Of course I do!" Exclaimed Mary.
"You haven't done much to show that, mom", whispered Sam.
"Sam...", began Mary.
"No mom. I stood up for you. Dean saw how you were acting from the start and I defended you. I thought 'this is hard on her, we should cut her some slack' but did you ever stop to think about how hard this was for us? When you died, dad put way too much on Dean. Did always tried to look after me and he was just a kid himself, but he didn't get to be one. I had demon blood in me because of the deal you made. I grew knowing that there was something dark in me. I grew up feeling like I was nothing because I could never be as good as Dean or dad because I was tainted. I always felt so alone because I knew there was something wrong with me and the way dad treated us...It may have been hard for you to come back after 33 years but those 33 years were harder for us, mom. My girlfriend died. Jess, the girl who I wanted to marry died. I died and Dean sold his soul for me. Dean went to hell for me and got tortured. I couldn't save him. Instead, I ended up accidentally started the apocalypse. I went to hell to stop it and was tortured by Lucifer. I lost my soul, Dean lost the woman and child who became his family, Dean went to Purgatory. We lost everyone we ever cared about. When you were in heaven, we were down here, taking hit after hit. Then you come back and it's the best thing I could have ever wished for. Dean and dad shared their grief over you, but I didn't know you. It isolated me from them and I spent my entire life wishing that I knew you. Now I do know you, but you still don't know me because you never took the time to get to know me. You left us both and it hurt Dean so badly. I accepted it because I thought it was better to have you around, even at a distance, than not have you around at all and then when you started to work for them...it hurt like hell to know that you were okay with working with the people who tortured me. I forgave that too, and I worked with those bastards because I thought if I did, we could all be a family afterwards", laughed Sam bitterly.
"Sam..", interjected Mary.
"No. I'm not finished", objected Sam, "You hardly even called or text and when you did, it was always Dean. You never bothered to call me. You never even bothered! Then you sold me out to Ketch and Harrison. You can tell yourself it was for dad or for us, but it was for you! Even after all of that, I still tried to defend you to Dean. Everyone makes mistakes, that's what I kept telling myself. I've made more than most but all of the mistakes that Dean and I made, we made trying to help. We always tried to do the right thing and sometimes it ended up being the wrong thing but we always tried. You didn't try, mom. The things you did, they weren't mistakes, they were choices. I keep trying to make excuses for you in my head because I was so desperate to have a mom, but do you have any idea what if feels like to hear your own mother choose for you to die? I know it was an impossible situation and I'm glad that you didn't choose Dean because he doesn't deserve that. Dean doesn't deserve to be hurt, he deserves to happy so I'm glad you didn't pick him, but you broke my heart, mom. I didn't want you to choose Dean but I didn't want you to choose me either. You're a hunter mom, why didn't you choose to fight? Why didn't you fight for us? I almost died. Dean and Cas almost died. Even after all of this, I still had to be the one to call you... I guess I just needed to see you and get this out, because I'm finished making excuses for you. I'm done letting you treat us like crap because I'm so desperate to have a relationship with you", admitted Sam as tears slipped from his eye's.
"Sam, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt either of you! I've just been so lost and confused, I stopped seeing things clearly and I let you both down but I didn't mean to. You need me Sam. You both do, I'm your mom", pleaded Mary.
"No, I need Dean. I need Cas, I need Jody, I need Jess. We need our family and friends, but we don't need you. We've gotten this far without you. I'm not trying to hurt you mom and I forgive you, but I can't keep doing this. I'm not going to keep trying. You're off the hook, you don't have to pretend to care about anymore", finished Sam as he turned away. Sam had to force himself to ignore Mary's devastated expression and the guilt in his stomach.
Before he could take back everything he'd said, Sam jumped back into the impala before driving away from the woman he's spent his entire life wanting know.
Sam arrived back at the bunker, carrying three packed carrier bags of crappy food. He was feeling kind of mushy and thankful towards his brother, so he'd not only remembered the pie, but also brought several different flavors of pie that were Dean's favourites. He'd also gotten almost every variety of candy that the store had, along with popcorn and ice cream.
"I'm back", announced Sam.
Dean walked through looking proud of himself.
"The kitchen has now been transformed into a cinema area", grinned Dean.
"What?" questioned Sam.
"Well, I figured, where better to make a movie room than in the kitchen, right where all the food is? I've set up a TV in there and set out chairs, pillows, blankets and pretty much anything I could find that was comfy so now it's a cool lounging area. I also brought in a couple of lamps so we could get some better lighting while we watch the movies", grinned Dean proudly.
"Great and you'll be glad to hear that I remembered the pie", laughed Sam.
"Jeez, is there anything you didn't bring back?" asked Dean.
"Are you complaining?"
"No, I'm just impressed...maybe we are related after all", joked Dean.
Sam and Dean walked through to the kitchen where Sam dropped the bags onto the kitchen counter. Sam inspected the area Dean had set up for the movie.
"Not bad, but we should probably pick a room in this place and make into a living room. We've lived here long enough", suggested Sam.
"I'm with you", agreed Dean as he emptied the carrier bags, "Sam, you've bought 5 different flavor pie's...You're my hero right now".
"Don't thank me for contributing to your sugar addiction", laughed Sam, "Where's Jody, Cas and Jess?"
"They're in the library. I told them that I could handle it in here", explained Dean.
"Good, because I have to tell you something", admitted Sam.
"That doesn't sound good", mumbled Dean.
"I met up with mom", blurted out Sam.
"You did what? Sam, why? I thought we agreed that we were done with her", groaned Dean.
"We didn't agree, you did. Beside's, I didn't go to hug it out. I just needed to talk to her", stated Sam.
"Okay, how did that go?" wondered Dean.
"I don't know, I might have been a little harsh", fretted Sam.
"What did you say?", inquired Dean.
"I kind of just unloaded on her. I told her that she hadn't acted like a mother and that she basically ruined our lives when she made that deal. I told her that I spent so long making excuses for her behaviour because I was so desperate for a mom but that I was done. That I was done with her and that I didn't need her", grimaced Sam.
"That doesn't sound harsh to me, it sounds like the truth and honestly it's about damn time. It bugged me how you seemed so willing to let her treat you like crap. I'm glad you stood up for yourself", offered Dean.
"You should have seen her face, Dean. She looked crushed", sighed Sam.
"How many times has she crushed us since she came back?" reasoned Dean.
"I know, I just didn't mean for it to all come out like that. She's all alone, you know? I have no idea why I wanted to see her, but that wasn't the plan", frowned Sam.
"Hey, stop beating yourself up over this. You haven't done anything wrong, she did and if she can't deal with being called out on it, that's her problem", argued Dean.
"Okay", nodded Sam.
"So, do you feel like talking now?" asked Dean.
"What's there to talk about? It's nothing we haven't dealt with before", shrugged Sam.
"Quit it, Sam. You went through a lot, you're allowed to be bothered by that", objected Dean.
"What do you want to hear? That it sucked? That it was agony? That it took me back to the cage? Fine, it did, but I don't see how talking about is going to change anything. I just need a little while to move past it again, but I will", insisted Sam.
"I know you will, just don't shut us out, okay?" asked Dean.
"Okay", agreed Sam, "You know that I didn't want her to choose you, right?"
"You mean mom?"
"Yeah, I told you that I got worked up with mom, but I don't want you to think that I'm mad at her for choosing me or that I wanted her to choose you because I didn't", explained Sam.
"I know that, of course I know that", exclaimed Dean.
"I just feel really weird about it. I feel so hurt and angry about it, but it doesn't make sense. When I was in that chair, I was praying for her to pick me so you didn't die. I wanted her to pick me instead you, so why should I feel so bad about this?", questioned Sam.
"Because she did something hurtful and unforgivable. I didn't want her to pick you either, but if she'd have picked me, it would have killed me. At the end of the day, she shouldn't have picked either of us. She's our mom, shouldn't she have some maternal instinct to protect us? She should have delayed until I got free or gone down fighting before doing what she did", said Dean.
"Okay. I don't know what's with me Dean. The spell the British Men of Letters did should be gone, but I still feel so...lost. It feels so bad and I can't shake it off. I just want to crawl out of my head. I'm just...weak", admitted Sam quietly as tears welled up in his eye's.
"You're a lot of things, Sam. Like nerdy, weird, pain in the ass, but weak is definitely not one of them. You're the strongest person I know. Most people wouldn't get out of bed in the morning if they'd gone through what you have. Maybe you having trouble shaking it off because you don't just shake these things off. You have to allow yourself to deal with them properly. Struggling, or being depressed about this stuff is allowed. It just takes time, but you'll be fine, you'll see and you've always got me", promised Dean.
"Thank you", stated Sam.
"What for?" frowned Dean in confusion.
"Saving me", expanded Sam.
"Always, Sammy", smiled Dean emotionally, "Now, let's get the other's in here and watch some movies".
"We need to agree of something to watch", acknowledged Jody.
"Sammy, don't you dare say Star wars", warned Dean.
"You love Star Wars!", protested Sam.
"Yeah, but you've literally made me watch it about a thousand times", groaned Dean.
"I think we should watch something a little light, nothing too intense", suggested Jody.
"No chick flick!" Argued Dean.
"What's wrong with chick flicks?" Frowned Jess, " Sam and I watched 'when Harry met Sally' together in college and Sam loved it".
"When Harry met Sally?" Questioned Dean with a grin and quirked eyebrow at Sam.
"You have no right to judge me on my movie preferences! One word; Dory", reminded Sam.
"Dory?" Questioned Jody
"As in finding Nemo, as in Disney", laughed Sam.
"I'm not ashamed of that. Animated films are an Art form and that fish is awesome", stated Dean.
"I knew you were into animated films, Dean but not that kind of animated films", teased Jody.
"What does that mean?" Wondered Jess.
"Well Dean has a thing for anime porn", laughed Jody.
"Thanks Jody, is there anyone who doesn't know that?", sulked Dean.
"It's nothing to be embarrassed about Dean, each to their own", laughed Jess.
The group went on joking around and attempting to pick a movie for another hour. Finally, with some hesitation, they all agreed of the Godfather trilogy.
They got comfy on the seated area that Dean had set out for them and began watching.
Sam had fallen asleep at some point during the third film. He woke up when he felt a light pressure over him. His eye's slid open. Jody was covering Sam and Jess with a blanket and was now carefully doing the same for Dean. Sam noticed that Jess's head was resting on his chest. Before he'd fallen asleep, they were sitting next to each other, but at some point whilst they were sleeping, Jess had ended up with her head on his chest and was sleeping. Sam wasn't sure what to do. He moved slightly and she began to stir so he froze again.
Sam looked at Jess, her hair had fallen over her face and had tangled around her neck. Being careful not to jostle her, Sam swept her hair from her face and tucked into behind her ear and out of the way.
"Thanks baby", mumbled Jess almost incoherently. Sam smiled sadly. It was almost like muscle memory with the two of them. They knew that a lot had changed in the past 12 years, but their bodies and subconsciousness hadn't quite caught up yet.
"You okay, Sam?", whispered Jody.
"Yeah, I'm good", replied Sam.
"Sorry if I woke you honey", offered Jody.
"No, it's okay. I was waking up already", smiled Sam.
"It's gotta be weird for you", said Jody, "Having Jess back. I'm mean, awesome, but weird".
"Yeah, I mean it's been 12 years. It was so long ago and so much has happened. I kind of feel like the guy I was at 22 doesn't exist anymore. Jess being back now feels strange because I left that life behind me, but I'm glad she's back. I wished for this for so long after she'd died and she's here. She's an amazing person. She deserves to be happy", explained Sam.
"You deserve to be happy too, kid", added Jody.
Sam paused, "You're an amazing mom, Jody. Claire and Alex are lucky to have you on their side".
"That's sweet, but I'm not sure they'd agree with you 100% on that. I'm not perfect", smiled Jody.
"They love you. It's clear with Alex and it was pretty damn clear when we met Claire on a hunt, a few weeks back. You gave them a second chance", countered Sam.
"They gave me a second chance to", acknowledged Jody, "So, what about you? Think you could get a second chance? With Jess?"
"No, I'll always love her but too much has happened. I'm not good for her", sighed Sam.
"Jess seem's like she can take care of herself", pointed out Jody.
"She can but I've tried the whole 'normal life' thing before and it never worked out. My life is here with Dean", reasoned Sam.
"Why does it have to be either, or? Jess is a hunter now, she could move in here with you guys. You could be with Jess and still live here with your brother", suggested Jody.
"People around me get hurt and I've already hurt her enough", whispered Sam.
"Look, if you don't want to be with Jess, that's fine, but make sure you're turning this down because you don't want it to happen and not just because you're afraid of what could happen if you did", advised Jody.
"Did I ever mention how awesome you are?", grinned Sam.
"No enough", laughed Jody.
"Well, you are"
"I'm glad you're back Sam. You had us all a little scared back there", stated Jody.
"Yeah, I think Dean might have had something to say if I'd have died on him", joked Sam.
"Dean wouldn't have been the only one. We all love you, kid. Even Mary, I know it may not seem like it, but she loves you Sam", offered Jody.
"I think she loved the 6 month old version of me that she knew, the current version of me is the one I'm not so sure about", admitted Sam.
"Mary has messed up a lot with you boy's but being a mom isn't like what they show you on TV. Not everyone has this instinctive maternal bone that guides them along. Some find it harder. Some make mistakes and I'm not saying it for her sake, I'm saying it for yours. The situation with Mary has nothing to do with you boy's. The things she has done, has no reflection on you, just on her", promised Jody.
"Thanks, Jody", smiled Sam.
"Dean, I want to hunt. I'm completely fine", argued Sam.
It had been two weeks since they had stormed the British Men of Letters base. Jody had returned home to Claire and Alex after spending 4 days with the boy's. She'd left, making the boy's promise to call her regularly and giving her number to Jess too. Jess was still staying in the bunker. The British Men of Letters had provided accommodation for her when she was working for them, but now she had no where to go. Sam, Dean and Cas had convinced her to stay in the bunker, at least until she'd figured out her next move.
None of them had hunted in the two weeks since they'd come back home. Dean had insisted that they take some down time to regroup, but Sam wanted to get back to normal.
"Sam, we deserve a break. We've been through enough and given enough to deserve a few weeks off", reasoned Dean.
"We've tried this before, right after the whole 'demon Dean' thing and we weren't very good at it then either. Time off is good, but this is what we do. I'm not saying that we start trying to stop some earth ending monster, I'm just suggesting that we work simple cases. Your everyday vengeful spirits and vamps", suggested Sam.
"If you're hunting, I'm coming with you", stated Jess.
"We're not hunting", insisted Dean.
Their debate was interrupted by a rapping on the large metal door. All the members in the bunker were on alert. Cas took out his angel blade and the other's took out their guns.
"I'm pretty sure a monster wouldn't polite knock on our door", pointed out Sam.
"Yeah, but not taking any chances", agreed Dean. They climbed the stairs and held their guns ready, as Dean cautiously opened the door. Standing in the doorway was Mary.
She looked curiously at the guns, "I just want to talk", she explained.
They put their guns away, but the tension in their shoulder's didn't disappear.
"We have nothing to say to you" stated Dean, his voice cold and detached.
"That's okay, you don't have to say anything, I just can do all the talking", bargained Mary.
Sam and Dean exchanged apprehensive looks before Sam shrugged his shoulders.
"Whatever", bit Dean as he and Sam as they turned and walked down the steps. It wasn't exactly a warm welcome, but they'd left the door open behind them so Mary took that as a win.
Along with her son's, Cas and Jess were waiting in the war room. Jess's expression was furious. It was obvious that she was only, just about, managing to keep her anger under control.
Cas was a different story. His expression appeared to be a mix of sadness, anger and understanding.
Cas was angry and disappointed in Mary for what she had done, but his own mistakes were never far from his mind. He'd betrayed them both and hurt Sam. He understood the regret and the need for redemption after that, but that wasn't entirely the same. For one, Mary was their mother and that made it all sting that much more. Cas was also trying to save everyone, but somewhere along the way he'd become so delusional as to what was right and wrong. Mary was trying to save herself. She was considering herself, not the brother's or the greater good. So Cas was angry too, but he couldn't help but feel a little empathy towards Mary. However the empathy he felt for Mary, wasn't close to the amount of empathy he felt for Sam and Dean.
"So, talk", demanded Dean.
"Okay, I know I hurt you both and I know I haven't been the best mom to you", began Mary.
"Understatement of the year", scoffed Jess.
"You're right, it doesn't make the mistakes I made justice. What I did was unforgivable and I don't blame you for being angry at me", stuttered Mary.
"Angry? You think we're angry. Angry doesn't even cut it", interjected Dean, "I hate you. You're my mother and I hate you. I never, ever thought that I'd say that about you. I spent my childhood wishing that you'd come back and you have and I hate you. We spent a long time blaming Dad for all the bad things that happened to us, but then we found it that all started with you and that deal you made. The deal you made that cursed Sammy and set off a chain of events that hurt us. You ruined our lives before we were even born but even after that, I still got it. I know what it's like to make decisions to save the one's we love, but actually end up hurting them. So I forgave you instantly and if you'd have been better when Amara brought you back, everything probably would have been okay. But it wasn't okay because you just kept disappointing us, mom. Again, we forgave you, but I can't forgive this. You sold us out. You sold Sam out. You allowed him to be captured by people who'd already tortured him once. Then you told Harrison to kill. I don't care how difficult of a situation it was, I don't care how hard it was for you, you shouldn't have done it! You should have fought! Instead, you hurt Sam again. You figured damning him and ruining his life before wasn't enough, huh? Thought you'd twist the knife a little bit more? He was the one who always tried to understand you. Out of everyone, he's the one who has the most right to hate you and yet he always tried to defend you. To excuse you. And you hurt him mom. You hurt Sammy. You might not know us all that well now but, if there's anything you need to know, it's that Sam is everything to me and it works both ways with us. We've messed the world up trying to save each other more than once. I can forgive a lot, but when it comes to Sam, you hurt him and it becomes a hell of a lot harder to forgive you. Sam, Cas and I are a team. And that includes Jess now if she wants it to. You put us all in danger, so now I can't trust you. Honestly, I can't even look at you. Sam nearly died. He would have died if it hadn't of been for Apphia. His blood is on your hands!", interrupted Dean angrily. Half way through, the venom in Dean's voice changed to pain.
"I know that, Dean. Believe me when I say that I can barely live with myself right now. I'm not trying to make excuses. I was selfish, I was wrong and I did a horrible thing. But you have to believe me when I tell you both that I love you. I love you both so much. If Sam hadn't survived, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself. I made a bad call and I didn't try hard enough. I let you down and I know I can never make that up to you, but it isn't going to stop me from trying. I'm going to change, I really am. I'm going to try and show that to you, every day of the rest of my life. I don't care if it takes me forever, I'm never going to stop trying to show you how sorry if am. I'm going to keep calling and texting and showing up every day. I will show you that I love you. I'm not the mother that you deserve. I did what was easiest because it was easier than facing the two of you and the lives that I had stolen from you, but I'm not going to take the easy route anymore. So you can be mad at me, I get it, but I'll never stop trying", swore Mary.
Sam and Dean stood wordlessly. Neither really knew what to say.
Mary stepped forward cautiously and wrapped her arms around a rigid and reluctant Dean.
"My perfect boy. Thank you for taking care of our boy and for trying to keep him safe. I love you and I'm sorry", whispered Mary in Dean's ear.
She stepped behind Dean to Sam. He was hanging back, just behind Dean like a worried little boy. A couple of tears were running down his face and he sniffed irritably as if he was angry at himself. His expressive eye's were wide and broken. Mary hated that she had put that look on her son's face.
She held her arms out slightly and gripped Sam as she had Dean. She put her hand on the back of Sam's head.
"Sammy, my sweet baby. I'm so sorry that I hurt you. You don't deserve any of this. You were supposed to be happy and safe. Despite everything, you're an amazing man. I'm proud of you" whispered Mary as her voice shook through tears.
She looked at Jess, who still looked annoyed, "In another life, I'd have been so happy to welcome you into the family as Sam's wife. College and a woman like you, that's exactly what I wanted for them".
She hugged Cas too, who was taken aback by the gesture.
"I always used to tell Dean that he had angel's watching over him. I'm so glad it was true. Thank you for looking after my boy's. They're lucky to have you in their lives", smiled Mary warmly.
She stepped back towards the steps with tears glistening, "you don't have to say anything now but I mean what I said. I'm never going to stop trying", promised Mary.
She turned away and walked out the door, just like she had all those weeks ago, but unlike back then, they were both sure that they'd see her again very soon.
After Mary's impromptu visit, Sam had relented about staying away from hunting for a few more day's. Cas had left. He wanted to find Kelly and the Nephilim. He had promised to keep in touch and ring them the instant he had news. Sam and Dean had agreed to help him with the Nephilim as soon as he had a lead, but until then, they were still laying low. The truth was, they were both emotionally spent and needed to in their home with each other to move through it.
Jess was still there and still at a loose end. Sam was happy to have her around, but he couldn't help but notice that she seemed a little lost.
One day, Dean had gone to fill the impala up with gas and it left Jess and Sam alone.
Jess was swirling her food around her plate absent-mindedly.
"You okay?" Asked Sam.
"Yeah, I'm fine. You're the one who's been through hell", reminded Jess.
"It hasn't exactly been a walk in the park you either", pointed out Sam.
"I'm good baby...sorry. Reflex", blushed Jess.
"It's okay. In some ways, our life together feels like a lifetime ago, but it also feels like no time has passed at all, at the same time" smiled Sam.
"Tell me about", laughed Jess.
"Seriously though, if you need to talk, I'm here. Everything that you thought to be true since you were brought back, has been turned on its head. Before you had a clear focus and mission, not to mention a place to live and now it must be weird to be at a loose end all of a sudden. I'm here for whatever you need", promised Sam as he squeezed her hand affectionately.
"Thank you, you always did know what I needed to hear", smiled Jess, "it's just, I have no idea what to do or even what I want anymore.
"The Jess that I knew always knew exactly what she wanted. Do you think that maybe you do know what you want, but it scares you? If that's the case, you're one of the strongest people I've ever met, Jess. You can do anything", reassured Sam.
"I'm still her, you know? I'm still the Jess you knew", said Jess.
"I know. You're still the amazing, brave, smart, caring, beautiful woman that I knew all those years ago", nodded Sam.
"And you're still the man I knew back then too", smiled Jess.
"I don't feel like him anymore. Too much has happened. I'm... I don't know, damaged", admitted Sam.
"You're still him", insisted Jess, "You're my Sam. You're a little older and maybe a little bit more broken, but we're all broken Sam. All of us, God knows I am and if anyone has the right to be a little bit broken, it's you. You're still you, though. I can see it. You're still the best guy I ever met. The kindest, smartest and most handsome guy that I've ever known. Despite all you've been through, all of the unimaginable things you've had to experience, you're still you. I don't understand how you can still be so warm and gentle after everything. You're amazing Sam Winchester", proclaimed Jess with watery eye's.
"You always did have the ability to make me feel like I was actually worth something", smiled Sam sheepishly.
"You're worth everything. Even after what happened with the fire, I don't regret one minute I spent with you. The time that we were together was the happiest time of my life. I wouldn't change a second of it", admitted Jess.
"I missed you", said Sam honestly.
"I missed you too", stated Jess as she leaned into Sam. She rested her head against his shoulder, Sam wrapped his arm around her and gently put his head against her.
"I think I know what I need to do", breathed Jess.
"I know", nodded Sam.
The impala sat outside a suburban house. The house was unremarkable and looked identical to the others in the cul-de-sac. What made the house different were the people inside.
Dean was leaning casually on the side of the car.
"See you soon and good luck", offered Dean before nodding to Sam and climbing back into the car.
Sam walked Jess up to the bottom of the walkway.
"So, how are you feeling?", asked Sam sympathetically.
"Like a girl who's about to knock on the door of her family who thought she was dead for 12 years", laughed Jess nervously.
"I'm sure they'll just be happy that you're here", reassured Sam.
Jess had talked things through with Sam. She needed to reach out to her family. After she'd been brought back, she'd been unable to go home. Partly because she didn't know how to explain it and partly because she didn't feel like she could go back to who she used to be after what she knew. Back then, she'd had a purpose. The British Men of Letters had given her something to focus on and now she was at a loose end. A part of her had always wanted to go back, but she'd been scared. Sam had helped her to find the strength with herself. Now she realised that even though she couldn't go back to who she used to be, it didn't mean she had to say goodbye to her completely. Sam and Jess had changed a lot since they were 22 year old kids, but they were still themselves and Jess was someone who valued family. Spending time in the bunker and seeing how Sam and Dean, two people who had lost so many loved one's, valued those around them had made it that much clearer. So, with Sam's support, she'd tracked down her parents and here she was.
"I hope so", smiled Jess.
"What are you going to tell them?" wondered Sam.
"I think I'm going to try the truth. They might think I'm crazy but me coming back from the dead seems kind of crazy too", smiled Jess.
"Do you want us to wait outside in case you need us?", offered Sam.
"No, I think this might take some time, but I'll call you later and let you know how it went. I'll drop back into the bunker in a couple of days...I'm mean, if you want me to", stuttered Jess.
"Of course I do, I'll look forward to it. Thank you...for forgiving me", added Sam sheepishly.
"There's nothing to forgive, it wasn't your fault and I'm sorry for ever thinking it was. I should be thanking you for forgiving me for abducting you", smiled Jess.
"Forgotten about. It's been inexplicably good to see you, for you to be back", admitted Sam.
Jess looked up at him fondly before leaning on her toes and leaning up to kiss Sam. The kiss felt amazing and it brought out feelings he hadn't felt in a long time. Even people who he'd thought he'd loved after Jess died, never really made him feel the way he felt with Jess. Jess had been the love of his life and when she died, it took a piece of him. Relationships after that were never the same. Sure, there'd been people he'd cared about and perhaps even loved, but nothing ever compared to the all consuming love that he'd had with Jess that had made him want to marry her. He was feeling it again now and Sam didn't know whether to revel in those feelings or to run away from them. The love he'd felt for Jess all came rushing over him and it was the best feeling but it also scared him. He'd already lost her once.
Far too quickly, it was over and Jess smiled at him, "I didn't cross the line...", worried Jess at Sam's slightly dazed expression.
"No, no, that was...amazing", laughed Sam.
"I missed that", laughed Jess.
"Where does this leave us?" asked Sam.
"I need to figure things out with my family, but I want to figure things out with you too, get to know you again? I think I'm still in love with you Sam, even after all these years. We could talk, when I drop by the bunker in a couple of days?", suggested Jess hopefully.
"That sounds good and for the record, I think that I'm still in love with you too", told Sam.
"Okay, we'll talk", smiled Jess before kissing his cheek and turning to look at the house.
"It'll be okay", reassured Sam. Jess nodded and turned towards the path.
"Speak to you later", said Jess.
"Speak to you later", waved Sam as Jess walked down the path.
Sam tracked back to the impala. Jess was at the door and Sam could tell that she was terrified. She waved and Sam waved back, giving her his best reassuring smile before climbing into the impala.
As Dean pulled out, Sam saw the shocked face of Jess's dad answer the door.
"She said when she'll be in touch?" asked Dean.
"She's going to call later today and drop by the bunker in a couple of days", recalled Sam.
"Good. So, I couldn't help but notice the kiss back there", stated Dean with a grin on his face.
"We're going to figure things out when she drops by, talk things through, decide what we both want", shrugged Sam.
"It seemed pretty clear what you both wanted back there", smirked Dean.
"What are you? A twelve year old boy?", laughed Sam, "We both still have feelings for each other, but we're going to see what happens, get to know each other again".
"Well, that sounds very practical. It could be the right time, though. Think about it, you're both older and more mature, she's aware of our jobs and has the same job too and there's no secrets anymore. You don't have to keep the two lives separate. You deserve this, Sammy", insisted Dean.
"It took me a long time to get through her death", Said Sam quietly.
"I know, I was there and you went through hell, but she's back now", frowned Dean in confusion.
"I know that, but...if I got close to her again and something happened to her again, I'm not sure I could get through that again", admitted Sam.
"Nothing will happen to her, she's a capable hunter, she can handle herself and we'll look out for her", stated Dean.
"There's no guarantee in our lives and look at my track record. Most women who I've dated, have died. I'm a curse", argued Sam.
"That's crap, Sam! You're not a curse. Sure, you've had a lot of bad luck, but you're not a curse to women and no, there's no guarantee's but that's not just our life. Life has no guarantee's for anyone but you can't just walk around and avoid living your life. This is a second chance for you and you deserve to take it", promised Dean.
"Okay, I'll try not to let that influence me and I'll give this a chance with Jess", conceded Sam, "What about mom?"
"What about her?", asked Dean.
"What she said about trying with us. That she'll never stop trying to make things right, do you believe her?", wondered Sam.
"Does it matter if I do? It doesn't change what she did", reminded Dean.
"I know, it's just...she's still our mom, you know? She's family and I don't want you missing out on a relationship with her because of me", reasoned Sam.
"If I never spoke to her again, that would be on her, not you. You're not the reason I'm mad. It's not just about my loyalty to you. She let me down too, and she nearly took away the person who means the most to me. If I'd have lost you...", Dean trailed off.
"I know, I get it and if the roles had been reversed and she almost got you killed, I'd have hated her too, but she made a mistake and I think she's genuinely sorry. If there's a chance that we could get mom back, properly this time, wouldn't you want that?", asked Sam.
"I think it might be too late for that, but I'd be lying if I said that I didn't wished things were different", admitted Dean.
"Me too, but she might be different now, she wants to try", stated Sam.
"How about this? We'll see how it goes, see if she actually sticks to her word? If she actually does try and sticks around to make things right, we'll keep an open mind but one wrong move and that's it! No more chances! I'm not saying that things are okay and all is forgiven because it's a long way from that, but in time, if she does change, maybe there's a future for us that involves her", proposed Dean.
"Sounds like a plan", agreed Sam.
"Even if she does transform into the world's best mom, it still won't be the same of what it could have been. The wounds she left might heal and fade, but there's always gonna be a scar. If she does do better, we might be able to form some kind of a relationship with her, but I'll never be able to trust her fully or let her in fully. Like I said, I'll give her a chance. Not right now though, I'm still not ready to let her back into our lives just yet, but eventually maybe she will have a place in our family. Whatever happens, I don't want any more of this talk about me missing out on having a mom because of you. No matter what, none of it is on you and if things are never right again with Mary, that's still not on you. Got it? I know what you're like. You've probably got it in that big freaky brain of yours that you're ruining my chances at a life with a mom or a life that's safe and loving or whatever it is that's going on with you, but listen to me when I say that, there is no life for me without you Sam. We're a team and I wouldn't exchange you for anything. I'd take everything that we've been through and do it all over again before I'd want to experience a world that doesn't involve you in it".
"Wow, Dean. Since when did you get so deep and meaningful. Have you been watching Dr Phil or Oprah again?", joked Sam, but the brotherly banter did not hide the emotion that was thick in Sam's voice from the gratitude that Sam felt towards his older brother. Dean glanced at Sam, smiling knowingly as Sam grinned back, eyes glistening.
"We'll be okay though, even if things go south with mom", said Dean.
"I know", nodded Sam.
"We have a family. Cas, Jess, Jody, Claire and Alex, that's family. Those hunter's that dropped their own crap to help us, that's family. We have an amazing family. More importantly, we have each other and that's what matters most", stated Dean.
"You're right. I mean, maybe we could have done with having a mom around when we were kids. When we were alone and dad wasn't around for us, maybe we could have done with her then but we're not kids anymore. We got through all of the hard stuff together and now we're adults and we don't need her. Sure, it might have been nice if things had gone differently when Amara brought her back but we don't need her now. When you think about all of the crap we've been through, stuff that would have sent even the toughest of people to their knee's, we got through it. We got through trips to hell, possessions, deaths, apocalypse, psychotic breaks, turning into a demon, you name it and we got through it. We've lost so much and we've always managed to pull through. It may have been damn near impossible at times, but we did it. As long as we had each other, we've always gotten through it. The only time when crap truly hit the fan and we haven't been able to deal with things, have been when we haven't had each other. When we lost one and another. But together, we've managed to do the impossible. We just need each other", agreed Sam.
"Damn straight and I'm not letting any of us check out any time soon. We're in this together. We're a team", nodded Dean.
"You're getting soft in your old age", grinned Sam affectionately.
"It's your effect on me", groused Dean.
"You're right though", replied Sam seriously.
"Always am, Sammy. I know, as much as you try to hide it, that you're still hurting over everything that's happened recently and it's going to take time. It's not something you're going to get through over night and I don't want you to pretend to either. I need you to be honest with me about how you're feeling, even if it's bad, but no matter what, we'll get you through it. I'm here for you, Sam. You're my number one priority" offered Dean.
"Back at you", smiled Sam emotionally, "Like we've said, as long as we have each other, we'll be just fine".
"Exactly! Now, what do you say about meeting up with Cas and team free will-ing this whole Nephilim situation?" Suggested Dean.
"Sounds good", nodded Sam before grinning, "maybe I should drive, I mean you're getting old now and we do want to get there sometime this week".
"Hey, no one can drive baby better than me...Bitch", grinned Dean.
"Jerk", replied Sam.
So there it is, I hope you liked it. I know I left it a little open ended but I'm considering writing a sequel. Right now though, I'm focusing on the 'The Grey', another multi chapter fic that I'm currently working on. Thank you for anyone who has read, reviewed or followed this story