Just a quick note: None of my stories will be updated again until sometime after mid-August. I am currently out of town with limited internet access and spare time so I apologize. I'll be back to writing again in August though!

Also, I apologize for being so slow to update this story in general. Because of the themes and how close the story is to my own experiences, I have to be careful to only work on this when I'm in the right mindset or it's too triggering...which is why the updates are slow. Sorry!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

He wanted to die.

He was sure of it.

But he couldn't do it.

Maybe he was weak.

Maybe he still had some unfinished business or attachments to this cruel world.

Maybe he still loved his teammates….

Maybe he still had hope.

Maybe he was just afraid.

He just couldn't force himself to stay under the water a second longer and emerged gasping for air. Coughs racked his entire body, oxygen was gulped into his angry lungs and tears mixed with the warm water running down his face.

It took several minutes to regain his bearings but once he did, he slumped back and rested his head against the cool porcelain of the tub. He could try again, but he only had the will left to cry. Any strength or resolve to permanently disappear from this existence was failing speedily. His being was weak and his ragged breaths and quiet whimpers echoed in the small bathroom till the water began to cool.

When he calmed down, he peeked at his wrist to see the blood had almost ceased to leak from the cuts. That didn't change the fact that the bathwater was tinged in the crimson liquid and as much as he wanted to curl up under his covers and sleep forever, he would have to shower and clean the tub first.

Failed suicides are more trouble that they were worth.

He supposed he could no longer claim he wasn't suicidal. He failed his attempt, if it could even be called that, but the thoughts still lingered. A good night's rest didn't chase them away, or a nights rest anyway. It wasn't what he considered good.

Kuroko didn't make any more active attempts on his life though. He didn't lean over the edge of a tall building or stand on a busy road. He didn't put a gun to his temple or a noose around his neck. Instead, he was just reckless.

He didn't look both ways before crossing the street. He wasn't cautious with how deep he dug the blade into his skin. He didn't go out of his way to eat every day or sleep or much of anything else. He wasn't careful about staying awake in the bath. He wasn't paranoid about staying on well-lit paths when walking around at night. He sometimes 'forgot' to lock his door. He just didn't bother with the usual self-preservation antics most maintained. He was reckless. If he couldn't kill himself intentionally, maybe he could tempt fate into a happy little accident?

Kuroko spent the last few months of middle school avoiding the basketball club. In fact, he planned to avoid basketball for the rest of his hopefully not-much-longer life if at all possible. That was the plan. However, plans never seemed to work out for him.

Before graduation, he made the trip out to Meiko Middle school. He hoped to speak to Ogiwara since the orange haired boy hadn't replied to his texts or calls, not the he could blame him. It wasn't that Kuroko seeked forgiveness- he had no such hope nor would he ask for such a high favor- nor did he have a plan for what he would do or say when he actually came face to his childhood friend. He just felt compelled to go…to make a last attempt at…something. Yes, he had to try for something.

Ogiwara wasn't at basketball club practice. He wasn't at the school period. He had already left. The game at nationals had destroyed his love for basketball and when Kuroko found out Ogiwara quit, he might have given up on life entirely right there and then had he not been in the company of one of Ogiwara's former teammates. To further complicate matters, said teammate had a few words for him….including telling him not to quit. Kuroko wasn't like the others, that's what Ogiwara said.

Ogiwara believed in Kuroko. He believed Kuroko could change the GOM back to their former selves. It was a flicker of hope Kuroko almost didn't dare grasp on to. He had enough reasons to believe hope was futile. Still, perhaps with only a few hesitant fingers, he held onto the glimmer of hope and motivation.

The club fair for Seirin high school unfolded similarly to the one in Teiko. Kuroko shuffled through the crowd, nose buried in a book and completely unnoticed by the other students. One of the perks of being invisible and using misdirection was escaping the numerous pleas and handouts from various clubs hell bent on gathering new members.

Kuroko wasn't sure he wanted to join any clubs. Although it was recommended, Seirin didn't require students to join one. Of course he had considered the basketball club. The words of Ogiwara's teammate still stuck with him and honestly, he couldn't think of a way to meet Ogiwara's expectations of him without joining the basketball club. He couldn't very well restore his former teammates by joining the literature club. What would he do? Throw books at them until they agreed to get off their high horses and enjoy basketball again? Because that would certainly work.

No….the only way to accomplish anything was to find the basketball club and join. He chose Seirin because he admired their team play and enthusiasm. Certainly there wouldn't be a repeat of the past. As far as he knew, Seirin wasn't focused solely on victory and the school and club was too young to have a reputation to uphold. Two major differences from Teiko. It would be okay, he assured himself. If things took a turn for the worse….he could always run away….again.

For courage, Kuroko pressed down on a more recent cut hidden beneath his wrist band and relished in the slight sting that chased away some of his building anxiety. He eyed the map till his eyes landed on the basketball club booth location.

No one saw him approach. No one noticed him fill out an application. Kuroko almost smiled at how oblivious they were to his existence….almost. He hadn't smiled in a long while now and his muscles probably didn't remember how to make such an expression. Still, there was the slightest hint of warmth mixed in to the apprehension engulfing his mind as he stepped away from the table leaving the application where someone would hopefully see it.

Seirin tryouts were…..not what he expected. Compared to the number of members and prospective members of Teiko's basketball club, the Seirin gym might as well have been empty. However, that wasn't what caught his attention most.

Seirin was…unique….

Besides the fact there were no third years because the school was only in its second year, the coach was a second year student. A ferocious second year student, Kuroko would later amend his thoughts. Not only that, but instead of starting with drills or any of the usual ways a practice or tryout might begin…the prospective members were asked to… strip?

Absolutely nothing like Teiko at all.

And that was comforting. Every little difference gave him hope.

But he still kept his guard up, more so than ever before. While the unfortunate events and mishaps that had befallen the Teiko first string seemed worlds away from this new team, he was cautious. He spoke little and his face betrayed even less.

He could only be but so cautious though. The simple facts were he was a shadow and as a shadow, he needed a light. That meant he would have to let someone in at least a little bit. He couldn't shoot and his dribbling skills were sub-par. Actually, outside of passing, his skills on the court were…..practically non-existent. He couldn't bring his friends back alone.

So he enlisted the help of one tall ill-mannered Kagami Taiga. It was a risky move. Kagami was a lot like Aomine had been before everything changed. He had a lot of raw talent but had yet to fully bloom, an event that could very well lead to a similar outcome as Aomine's if Kuroko wasn't careful. Perhaps that was why, even after promising to be Kagami's shadow and help Seirin become the best team in Japan, Kuroko maintained his distance from the tall red head. Emotionally speaking anyway. It's hard to keep physical distance between you and your partner, especially when said partner keeps grabbing you by the head. Just because Kuroko's head happened to be at the right height for all his friends to grab him by it or ruffle his hair, didn't mean they were invited to do so!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A/N: Just a quick note. I'm going to mostly summarize what happens in the anime. The main part of this story doesn't take place until after Winter Cup and if you are reading this fic, I'm assuming you have either watched the anime or read the manga so you know what happens for the most part. Only a few events that are either changed or viewed as important for this particular story will actually be detailed. Sorry if you were hoping for something else. It's a bit weird for me to do it this way, but oh well. Anyway, I hope you still enjoy.

Next chapter: Kise, Midorima, and...Aomine...