A/N: So, Spring break is over and I started a new quarter. I was aiming to have this finished before Monday, but life doesn't always, or more like rarely, works out the way we've planned. This is going to be the last chapter of this story :)
Olivia got to work earlier than usual the day after she read through Amanda's file. She could not wait to speak with her youngest detective about the revelations she had learned. Olivia's guilt had been chewing her up the previous night, making sleep hard to find. Images of Amanda in that illegal club being forced to service Lieutenant Murphy along with her old Deputy Chief kept assaulting her mind. The elder woman knew she would not find peace until she helped Amanda find hers.
Unsurprisingly, Olivia saw Amanda enter the squad room thirty minutes earlier than she was scheduled. A clear departure from her usual tardiness. The younger woman was putting her best foot forward in trying to regain Olivia's trust.
The SVU Sergeant drew in a deep breath before she walked to her open office door and called Amanda in. She wanted to talk with her before the guys came, if only to ensure that they wouldn't be interrupted. Olivia knew from personal experience how hard it was to come to terms with your own assault, and the fact that Amanda had been hiding it for all these years was going to make her confronting it only that much more difficult.
Inside the squad room, Amanda visually jumped when she heard her boss call her name, the verbal beating she had received from the elder woman the day before still fresh in her mind. The last thing she wanted to do was be in the same room alone as the brunette. As Amanda made her way to the office, her chest became tighter. She remembered her Sergeant's words in wanting to transfer her on the spot. Now she feared that the elder woman had found someone to take her place and she was about to be told to pack her things.
When Amanda reached the office, she tried to stay in the doorway. "Amanda, please come in and shut the door," Olivia said politely. She could see the hesitation in her youngest detective's movements and she regretted being the cause of that apprehension. Olivia watched as Amanda entered the room and shut the door behind her, but the younger woman remained standing near the door. Olivia gave a soft sigh "take a seat, Amanda, I need to talk with you" she could see the anxiety in Amanda rise at her words. The bruise on her cheek looking more prominent than the day before, even with makeup added to diminish it.
Amanda took a seat in front of Olivia's desk. The elder woman watched as the young blonde sat straight up in her chair, gathering the courage to speak "Sergeant, I'm sorry for my behavior the last few weeks, there is no excuse, and I am ready to accept any punishment you deem fit".
Olivia nodded her head solemnly. She understood why Amanda would think she was being called in to be reprimanded again. The elder woman kept her neutral face as she rose from her chair and walked to the front of the desk. Gently, she rested her butt on the large wooden surface before Amanda. Olivia wanted to make this seem as non-formal and as least threatening as possible for her detective. "Amanda, I have to admit I was furious yesterday, and some parts of me still are, about you going behind my back and this squad's back to gamble. You've risked everything you have spent your life trying to achieve. None of this would have happened if you only asked for help, if you came to us. I put the blame for your actions on your shoulders alone and contributed it to your weakness of character"
Amanda didn't say a word but stayed sitting up straight. These words stung the younger woman harder than her bruise cheek did. Amanda remembered when she had idolized Benson before she came to New York. She had studied most of her cases and followed her career. But hearing these words from the elder woman had hurt, it's a difficult thing to be told by your idol that you're weak. To know that you've let them down. Regardless, she was determined to stay stoic, no matter what Olivia was going to say to her. Amanda wasn't going to embarrass herself further in front of her Sergeant.
"But, last night I came across some information that caused me to reevaluate the whole situation. I think I have a better understanding of what has been going on with you, and what set you off on this self-destructive path" Olivia said with more compassion in her voice.
The confusion on Amanda's face was self-evident "I don't understand, you found some information about why I went back to gambling? I didn't think that would actually matter, it was after that mess with my old GA sponsor. I couldn't go back to Gamblers Anonymous after that and I slipped not long after."
Olivia nodded her head. It made sense that it was that case that caused Amanda to relapse. To find out that your sobriety sponsor, who was also your lover, was cheating on you with a friend and that same friend tried to use you to get away with murder; those circumstances would send any sane person reeling. Honestly, the elder woman was surprised that she didn't put two and two together earlier, another example at how she had ignored the troubles of her youngest detective even though they would have been obvious if she had only taken the time to look. "I'm not talking about that, I'm speaking about something much further back" Olivia clarified
"Much... further..." Amanda repeated with a shaky voice. There were many things in Amanda's past that she never wanted her colleagues to know about. Her life back in Georgia had left many stains on her soul. She feared what it was Olivia had discovered.
"I was angry yesterday, angry enough to write down what happened in the copy of your personnel file that I have" Olivia could see the trepidation on Amanda's face. "I discovered what happened between you and your former Deputy Chief..." Olivia stopped as she saw all the color drain from Amanda's face. If the younger woman wasn't already sitting, she feared that the blonde would have fainted on the spot. "Amanda, it's alright, what happened..."
"Nothing happened!" Amanda said forcefully as she stood from her seat fighting to keep her balance on her unsteady feet "Patton lied, I wouldn't sleep with him, I didn't sleep with him to get promoted. Please... those were rumors" she said quickly as her heart pounded in her chest. This was her worst fear, she had wanted to leave Patton and everything he had done to her back in Georgia, but now Olivia had found out.
"Amanda, please calm down. I know it's a lie, and I'm not judging you based on the rumors that were spread about you" Olivia tried to explain the situation to help decrease Amanda's agitated state. "I found out about Patton sexually harassing you..." again Olivia was cut off
"No, you're wrong! That's not in my file, I never reported such a thing. Patton..." she faltered, Amanda hated saying that man's name. It sent chills down her spine just thinking about him. "Patton..." she tried to continue, she had to take a deep breath "I... I would never do anything with that man. We didn't do anything like that. Nothing happened" she finished stronger.
Olivia could see through the lie Amanda was telling, she could tell it was something the younger woman wanted to believe herself. "Amanda, it wasn't directly in your personnel file but in the notes Cragen left in them" she explained as she stood to meet Amanda in a non-threatening manner. Amanda was visually stunned and took a step back from Olivia. "Notes? Cragen had... he knew... how?" words came stuttering out of Amanda's mouth without her consent. "No one knew what happened... I never told... it didn't happen" she continued to say with unfocused eyes as if she was lost in the storm of her own thoughts, she had become oblivious to the world around her. Amanda was desperately trying to figure out how Cragen would have even heard about her interactions with Patton, let alone knowing enough to put his own notes on the subject in her file.
Olivia could see the pain on Amanda's face, the betrayal. She wanted to help ease the nerves and fears of her youngest detective so much that she made a rookie mistake. She touched Amanda's arm without the blonde realizing. The sudden and unexpected contact caused Amanda to jump and quickly turn her head toward Olivia who had gotten so close to her without her noticing. The surprise caused her to lose her balance and fall onto the couch just below the window facing the squad room. Olivia watched as Amanda's breathing became erratic and how the younger woman fumbled in trying to get away.
"Amanda, I'm sorry," Olivia said quickly as she realized what she had done to the younger woman "you're okay, I'm not going to hurt you. You're safe in here, alright" she said as she remained where she was but kneeled down so she could be on the same eye level as the frightened woman.
As Amanda seemed to register her surroundings and the words coming from Olivia's mouth her anger grew "don't you dare treat me like a victim. I'm not!" she yelled as she pushed herself from the couch and walked to the far corner of the room, making sure there was plenty of distance between her and Olivia. "You don't know anything that happened, so don't even pretend to have this new-found sympathy," Amanda said harshly as she wrapped her arms around her front trying to appear confident, but only making herself look more vulnerable by putting up a physical barrier between herself and Olivia.
"It was your old Captain, Amanda, Captain Reynolds. He told Cragen about what was happening with Patton. He wanted to help you get away from him, even if you didn't fully disclose what was happening. He told Cragen how Patton had been sexually harassing you, how he even caught him trying to put his hand down your shirt..." Olivia was trying to explain but stopped as she saw the tears falling down Amanda's face.
"Stop... please I don't want to hear this" Amanda said as she took a deep breath "I tried to leave this all behind me, I thought... I thought it could just go away. So, please stop. I can't be thought of as that kind of person" she finished with her eyes cast down to the floor. Her bangs hanging across her face, doing a poor job of hiding the free-flowing tears.
"What kind of person, Amanda?" Olivia said softly as she finally stood from her kneeling position, she moved deliberately so as to not startle Amanda again "A victim of rape. You shouldn't be ashamed of that, and you know a trauma like that doesn't just go away."
"No" Amanda let out a sob "why do you say that? I never said that. I never said anything about rape. Not to Reynolds, not to Cragen, not out loud. Never have those words been put together in regards to me, so why do you say that?"
Olivia stopped to think about how to best answer her question. "When you've been doing this job for a long time, you start to pick up things. Things that other people may try to keep hidden"
"But you've never said anything about this before. Don't pretend that you had a sixth sense about this. You never put it together before" Amanda accused her, not liking her answer.
"I'm talking about Cragen" Amanda finally made eye contact with Olivia again as she said this "he... he was something else. He had a level of compassion in him that was unrivaled and a gift of insight that could be quite creepy sometimes" Olivia gave a slight smile to lighten the mood. "I see the signs with hindsight, with everything I know now, it makes sense. But Cragen knew from day one, but he never treated you any different for it. He didn't care then and I don't think of any worse of you now because of it either. There is nothing for you to be ashamed of, you should feel no guilt about this."
"You don't know what happened," Amanda said again as she leaned against the wall, she was inching her way toward the interrogation room door. Her body still looking for a possible exit if she needed one.
"Then tell me what happened, because it certainly wasn't nothing, as you say it was, because your actions speak strongly against that fact," Olivia said in earnest trying to get Amanda to talk to her.
"I... it wasn't rape. I let him do it" Amanda said in defeat and shame "I let him do it" she repeated
Olivia watched with a broken heart at how much pain was said with those words. Amanda believed them, but Olivia could tell there was more. "Did you want to sleep with him Amanda?" she questioned "was it your idea, your choice?"
"I never wanted that, but... my sister was in trouble and Patton was holding it over my head. I agreed to sleep with him to save my sister, but... but he was too rough..." Olivia nodded as Amanda spoke. The younger woman paused as she seemed to be reliving the encounter in her mind. The elder woman wanted to speak up but she feared that if she did Amanda would never finish her story. "I wanted him to slow down. That's all, but he didn't stop. So… I panicked and tried to get up, but he pinned me down and said I had to finish what I started. He would get what he wanted and no one would believe me anyway" Amanda wiped the tears from her eyes "I gave up, Olivia, I let him do what he wanted. It was my fault"
"No, Amanda, that wasn't your fault. He raped you. He pressured you into sex and when you changed your mind he forced you anyway. Nothing about that was consensual, nothing about that was right" Olivia said with her own tears falling from her eyes "what you went through should have never happened, but it did and ever since you have been on a self-destructive path because you've been pushing it down for years" the elder woman explained as she cautiously approached Amanda "your pain manifested itself into your gambling addiction, it's alright to need help with it. Please, Amanda, take my help. Come with me to see my therapist for a referral..."
"No" Amanda cut her off "I don't want to see a shrink, Olivia. The situation never happened on record so please just forget about it and don't treat me like a victim that needs your pity"
"Screw the record" Olivia fired back being less gentle this time "Amanda, I can see your pain and it is very real. But no, I do not pity you, I care about you, and you're right you are not a victim, but a survivor. It takes strength, more strength then I can understand to continue like you have been without support. I have no idea how you've kept in this unit... kept being an officer after that, but you're not alone anymore. You don't have to be constantly strong, I have your back, and I'm not going to sit around and let you destroy yourself because of the actions of someone else. Take it from someone who has fought against her own personal demon. I had to fight to get away from what Lewis did to me, not just physically but emotionally a well. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done, and I still fight him every now and again, but the freedom you feel when you can admit what has happened to you and face it head on... it can be liberating"
Amanda was speechless at Olivia's words. She never had that much support from someone before, and she especially never expected it to come from the woman she thought hated her. The younger woman was overwhelmed with emotion "I... its..." Amanda was having trouble speaking. "It hurts" she finally admitted "and I'm so scared, I just wanted to pretend that it never happened, and at some point, I think I started to believe it; but in turn, it became all my fault... Liv, I don't think I can do this. It's been so long..."
"It's never too late to allow someone to help you. I'm going to get you help, with therapy and in finding a new GA meeting to join, I'll even accompany you to the meetings if you want" Olivia said as she took another step closer to Amanda and this time the younger woman didn't back away.
"Why?" Amanda asked not used to letting others take care of her, there was always an ulterior motive when people tried to help her in the past. She had become jaded when it came to trusting others.
"Because I know what it's like to deal with the pain of surviving on your own, and I should have recognized your pain long before this..." Olivia said as she gently placed her hands onto Amanda's shoulders. When the younger woman didn't pull away she pulled her in for a gentle hug "can you forgive me?"
Amanda wasn't used to hugs but she leaned into her boss "only if you can forgive me" she replied as she tightened the hug. For the first time in her life, Amanda was going to try to let someone in, to finally break down the walls she had built years ago, and trust Olivia to help ease her pain.
A/N: Well that was the end :) I hope you guys enjoyed this story and that I didn't make it too mushy at the end with that hug lol. Thanks so much for the reviews and feedback :) they really do make my day when I read them. I already know the next multi-chapter story I want to write, but first I'm going to do a more relaxed and fluffy one shot to get away from the drama for a bit lol.