Title: Knocked Up in V.E.G.A.S.
Author: snarkysweetness
Rating: R
Pairings: Skyeward, Huntingbird, Fitzsimmons, Clintasha, Philinda with Kate, Trip, Mack, & Fury
Summary: During a weekend bender in Vegas, our agents engage in self-destructive, drunken shenanigans that lead to two unplanned pregnancies, a wedding officiated by a Captain America impersonator, and a furious Nick Fury. With their jobs on the line, Skye and Ward are forced to finally get along while learning how to do this parenting thing.
Warnings: Drunken shenanigans by idiot spies, language, violence, nudity; all the classic things that make an adult rom-com amazing.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: Welcome to my rom-com AU! I've been wanting to do this forever and here it finally is. Please enjoy this group of idiot spies getting into ridiculous, drunken shenanigans.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me!" Skye yelled as a bullet flew past her ear, nicking it. She shot a glare towards Grant Ward and in that moment made the decision to kill him.

"Kiss me," Skye whispered, pressing her body against his.

Ward's eyes wend wide and he pulled on his collar while he struggled to find his voice. "What?"

"They're watching, hubby," she reminded in a sharp hiss, doing her best not to let her face show how disgusted with him she was. When he continued to hesitate, she growled to herself and pulled him down by the gruff of the neck and kissed him hard on the mouth. She was sure Ward would blow this op with his usual stick in the ass antics but he surprised her by slipping his tongue into her mouth.

Skye froze for a moment, unused to Ward actually cooperating with their cover stories that involved being a couple. And then something weird happened; she realized she was enjoying this. He was a good kisser and the moan that just left her throat wasn't intentional.

She gripped him by the hair and kissed him back, feeling the eyes on them and not caring. For a brief moment, she forgot this was supposed to be fake and wanted to take him back to their room and-Skye's eyes shot open and the horror of the mini-fantasy playing out in her head hit her so she broke the kiss and did her best to look like a loving wife.

Ward on the other hand looked like he'd just had his very first orgasm.

He stared down at her, half in confusion, half in lust and she hated that she actually found it…adorable?

Of course, despite how endearing and cute his post-first kiss look was now, was not the time for it because they were supposed to be married and now it was clear to the entire room they were faking it.

And that had been when then gunfire had started.

Ward was a dead man the moment they got out of this mess.

"Why are the two of you like this?" Nat groaned into the coms and Skye could picture her banging her head against the desk.

"It's not me! It's him!"

This was not the first time Ward had fucked up an undercover op since they'd been forced to become partners. This was their fifth mission and the third in which they'd been undercover as a couple. During the first he'd gotten squirrely when she'd tried to make the romance look real and they'd been made, the second he flew into a jealous rage when a French diplomat had made a move on her and nearly gotten them killed, and now this.

She didn't know what the fuck his problem was aside from being a pain in the ass fuckboy but he needed to get his shit together because despite the fact that they hated each other they were not stuck as partners and if she had to make peace with it then so did he.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Skye screamed into his face the moment they reached safety. She didn't advocate unnecessary violence but she could justify punching him in the face right now.

"YOU STUCK YOUR TONGUE IN MY MOUTH!"

"FIRST OF ALL! YOU STUCK YOUR TONGUE IN MY MOUTH! SECONDLY! WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MARRIED THAT IS WHAT MARRIED PEOPLE DO BEFORE THE ROMANCE DIES!"

"As much as I hate to break this up," Nat said, jumping out of the surveillance van, "the boss wants you both upstairs and he's pissed."

Skye groaned. Great, just what she needed, to be chewed out again because Ward had fucked up. Wonderful. Just fucking wonderful. Now she'd have to wait to kill him.

"What in the fuck happened back there, Ward?" Fury yelled the moment they stepped into his office.

Skye did her best not to smirk; at least he knew who was really to blame.

"She took me by surprise, I-"

"You know why I partnered you two together? Because you're both the best on your own! And I don't know why you're so incompetent as a team but get your shit together! And I don't want to hear the 'specialists work best alone' excuse, Ward! Don't make me send your ass downstairs to work in admin because I will."

Ward peacocked for a moment, guffawing loudly and glaring daggers at Skye before throwing his hands up, defeated. "It's not me! She's impossible to work with!"

"Shut up, Ward! She's not the problem." Fury looked between the two of them angrily before growling in annoyance. "Are you two sleeping together?"

"WHAT!?" They yelled in unison, both deeply offended.

"That is disgusting!" Skye yelled.

"Why would I-eww!" Ward cried.

Fury remained unconvinced. "Don't lie to me."

"That is an inappropriate question," Ward began and Fury crossed his arms, furious.

"There are fraternization rules, Ward, so no, it's not. Since you two have partnered up you've been an incompetent pain in my ass. If it's not you flying into a jealous rage when she gets close to a mark it's you messing up by being unable to commit to the role. So, if you two are breaking the policy you're both fired."

Skye took deep offense to all of this. Sure, maybe she didn't hate Ward's face all the time and maybe he was a decent kisser but fucking him? She wasn't that desperate for human contact.

"First of all, that's disgusting. Second, everyone else around here breaks it, including my parents."

"Yes, but I'm willing to look the other way until it interferes with the work. Whatever is going on here is a problem."

"Well, other than Ward being a spoiled, rich frat boy with a stick shoved permanently up his ass who doesn't know how to play well with others I don't know what his problem's been lately but I'm not the problem. Despite hating everything about him I do recognize he's not a bad agent and unlike him I know how to play nice so the job gets done," Skye snarked, shooting Ward a glare.

"Way to throw me under the bus, partner," he sneered, turning to her.

"Oh, whatever! You'd literally throw me under the bus if it meant you got back to being a lone wolf."

"You know what, you think just because your mom is the Cavalry it means you run this place but other than being a decent hacker and looking good in a skirt you're not that great of an agent."

Skye pretended to look shocked. "Oh? Is that you admitting you enjoy seeing my legs? Or just my boobs? We all know how much you love staring at those."

"I'm a man, sweetheart, my love of breasts is not exclusive to yours."

"SHUT UP!" The boss yelled and Skye turned to him in annoyance, having forgotten he was there for a moment.

"See, I told you, he's an unprofessional jackass!"

"You're both suspended!" He yelled, rubbing his temple in annoyance.

Skye and Ward began arguing over each other, both angrily trying to blame the other and save their own job.

"He fucked up the Czechian job!"

"She gets too involved!"

"HE HAS RAGE ISSUES!"

"SHE FLIRTS WITH THE MARKS TOO MUCH!"

"HE'S SECRETLY IN LUST WITH ME AND IT MAKES HIM DO STUPID THINGS!"

They both stopped yelling when Ward stared at her in a mix of shock and fury and Skye did her best not to smile; she'd won.

"This is why you're both suspended; clearly I was wrong and you can't work together and until I find new partners that can tolerate you, you're both suspended."

"This is ridiculous, Trip and I worked perfectly fine as a team."

"And I can work with Kate! Or…" Ward furrowed his brow while trying to think of someone else who tolerated him.

"Great, your childhood best friend who's been putting up with you for thirty years is the only person you can play nice with?"

"Shut up," Fury groaned, looking like he needed a year-long vacation. "Triplett and Bishop are deep in with the Sinaloa Cartel and before you start prattling off more names; Mackenzie, Hunter, & Morse took your place on the Russian job because you blew your own damn covers and as much as I hate it Romanoff and Barton are taking a long honeymoon."

Fury reached for a bottle of Tums and downed a handful, something he'd been doing since the day his best team had gotten engaged and forced him to try to form Barton and Romanoff two-point-o; a.k.a. Skye and Ward. What he'd failed to realize is that even before they were lovers Barton and Romanoff worked so well because they had a bond of trust that couldn't be broken. Most spies didn't allow themselves to trust another person completely, no matter how much trust they had built. You always had to assume everyone would screw you over or you'd wind up dead. And Skye didn't trust Ward to keep a plant alive let alone to keep her alive.

"This is…Do you know how long it will take to find us partners who aren't already on jobs?" Ward hissed.

"Yes, so either you two learn how to play nice or you enjoy your extended, unpaid suspension. Leave now." He dismissed, waving his hand before taking a set and spinning his chair so he no longer had to look at them.

Skye glared at Ward and gathered her things angrily before hitting him repeatedly with her jacket.

"Oww!" He cried, trying to get away from her but she kept at it until they were in the hallway and then she shoved him up against the wall angrily and got in his face.

"If I lose this job because of you I will murder you. And I don't mean slowly, by the time I'm done torturing you, you'll be begging for the sweet release of death." Sure, she was nice and bubbly and adorable but she was Melinda May's daughter and she knew a hundred and seventeen ways to kill a man with just her bare hands.

To Ward's credit he was smart enough to look terrified for a moment before she cleared his throat and slipped away from her, giving her his best frat boy smile. "Sorry, sweetheart, but when it comes to kinky, torture sex games I prefer to be the top." Skye rolled her eyes at that lie. "And you hear the boss, we have to play nice."

She glared a hole into his back as he slunk off towards the elevators and she cursed his good luck; their weekend trip to Vegas with the squad was the only reason he wasn't on his back screaming for his life right now.