Volume 1 (Technically Season 1), Chapter 1: Humble, Humorous, and Non-Canon Beginnings

Disclaimer: I do not own RWBY, and you better be glad I don't.

A/N: Now before I begin there's something I need to say...I...uh...don't like RWBY all that much. Now don't get me wrong, the show is FANTASTIC. It's just that magical fantasy anime isn't my cup of tea, especially when it takes place in a school or an academy. Something about those kinds of settings is a major turn off for me, even video games like the Legend of Zelda, Final Fantasy, and Kingdom Hearts (That includes the book and movie versions of Harry Potter too).

So now you're wondering "Why would this author write a fanfiction if they don't like RWBY?" Well here's why. This show is popular, VERY popular, to the point where I hear about it almost every day. So I had the bright idea to write a parody for RWBY, just to make fun of it and possibly make the fans mad. Yet didn't feel like forcing myself to watch the entire series (The show is kinda meh for me). Plus there are so many other parodies of RWBY on this site that it would seem needless to write one, and not to mention that I'm out of touch with this fandom. So I got an even better idea, I would use the fourth wall breaking co-narrator formula I used in my parody of Five Nights At Freddy's Sister Location in a RWBY parody. But not a parody, an Abridged Crackfic Parody. It's not a story where complete randomness happens, and ends with randomness. It's a story that starts off as a parody, turns into a Crackfic, yet still has a serious under lying plot line to it. Even with all that said there's still one huge problem, me watching RWBY. Now here's where my final bright idea comes in, I would watch RWBY one episode at a time, then write a chapter based on my thoughts during that episode (Which will greatly work thanks to my ignorance to some of the canon). So with the longest Author's Note I've ever written out of the way, let's move on with the story. Oh, and spoilers, obviously.

Ah, RWBY, one of the most-if not most popular animated series on the internet. How does this grand magical journey start?

"Legends, stories scattered through time"

Of course, narration! One of the most common ways to start off a story.

"Mankind has grown quite fond of recounting the exploits of heroes, and villains. Forgetting so easily that we are remnants, byproducts, of a forgotten past. Man, born from dust, was strong, wise, and resourceful, but he was born into an unforgiving world. An inevitable darkness, creatures of destruction, the creatures of Grimm; set their sights on man and all of his creations. These forces clashed, and it seemed the darkness was intent on returning man's brief existence to the void. However, even the smallest spark of hope is enough to ignite change, and in time, man's passion, resourcefulness, and ingenuity led them to the tools that would help even the odds. This power was appropriately named "Dust". Nature's wrath in hand, man lit their way through the darkness, and in the shadow's absence came strength, civilization, and most importantly, life. But even the most brilliant lights eventually flicker and die. And when they are gone... darkness will return. So you may prepare your guardians, build your monuments to a so called "free world", but take heed... there will be no victory in strength.

Alright, so we have narration about the birth of humans, check. Ancient evils forces that have been around since forever, check. A battle between humans, and the ancient evils forces, check. Humans winning said battle thanks to the discovery of something, check. Humans building civilization, check. Then darkness returning after years of peace, check. Any more narration that I've heard before in other fictional works?

"...Who are you? How are you talking to me?"

I'm the narrator of course.

"No, no no no. I'M the narrator, the Mysterious Narrator of RWBY, and the only narrator"

"But perhaps victory is in the simpler things that you've long forgotten. Things that require a smaller, more honest soul" Ozpin chimed in.

"Well, Ozpin is too...somehow."

Well, this is MY Fanfiction, so that automatically labels me as the narrator.

"Wait, A FANFICTION!? Oh God, what are you going to do? Ship me with someone? Do a crazy "What if" scenario? Write a Highschool AU? Switch everybody's genders? Make the females Futanari's? Or worse, add in your own original character!?"

It's technically an Abridged Crackfic Parody, but all and all it's still a Fanfiction. Then to answer your questions, I'm merely going to change a few things here and there for my own personal liking, Salem"

"You idiot! You've name dropped me way too early! The audience isn't supposed to know my identity until the conclusion of Volume 3!"

So? Your name's on the character list for this story, and I put a spoiler warning in my Author's Note. Also, you were revealed at the end of SEASON 3, not Volume 3.

"Hmph, whatever. Get on with your pathetic Fanfiction so I can leave"

Don't you wanna co-narrate with me?

"If only to point out anything ludicrous you've done, then yes"

Good. With Salem accepting her role as co-narrator, we can move on with the story.

"What about me?" Ozpin asked.

You can just go away until your first appearance in RWBY.

"I second this decision"

"Oookaaayyy byyyee" Ozpin sadly sang, referencing "Do you want to build a Snowman" from Frozen.

Let's see, everything starts out pretty much the same. We see a partly shattered Moon with no explanation on how it got like that (And most likely won't). Roman and his quadruplet gang walking down the street, shadow bystanders being afraid of them (As usual in any show). Then...ah, here we go! This is where things will start to change.

"Oh God, here we go"

Roman and his black suited goons walked into the "From Dust Till Dawn" store, and headed straight for the counter. Roman, being the sly guy I'm assuming him to be, leans onto the counter with his left arm and says "I would like to order six slushies please. One "I'm a Smooth Criminal" strawberry for me, one banana "Bad Girl" for my female friend outside, and four "Here comes the Boom" black berry cherry's for the gentlemen behind me"

"Sir, this is a Dust shop. We don't sell slushies named after popular songs here" the elderly cashier explained.

"We? Whose we? You're the only worker in this barren shop, and what do you mean you don't sell slushies? There are clearly slushie machines on your walls" Roman brought up, pointing to both his left and right sides.

"Those aren't slushie machines, they're tubes containing dust" Shopkeep answered.

"Ugh, fine. Then I would like six drinks please. One hot chocolate for me, one cinnamon latte for my lady friend outside, and four black coffee's for the darkly dressed gentlemen behind me" Roman ordered.

"We- I, don't sell those drinks here" the old man told Roman.

"WHAT!? But aren't those bags of cocoa, and coffee beans on the shelves behind you?"

"No, they're bags of Dust"

"Bloody hell" Roman muttered, hanging his head down. As the secondary antagonist hung his head down, he saw what he thought to be huge hard candies in the shop keepers glass counter.

"Ooooooo, can I buy six of those crystal hard candies?" Roman asked.

"Those are Dust Crystals, not hard candies" Shopkeep corrected.

"Oh come on! Do you have ANYTHING edible in this store!?" Torchwick shouted.

"No" the balding man flatly answered.

"Soup?"

"No"

"What if all I see is soup?"

"Then I'd say you stole that joke from the internet"

"..."

"Sir, unless you're here for dust, crystals, books, tools, cartridges, or scales; then I'm afraid you and your friends will have to leave"

"...Screw this" Roman said. The smooth criminal snapped his fingers, letting one of the goon squad members know to pull out a gun, and point it a Shopkeep.

"It seems as though my "friends" and I WON'T be enjoying any slushies, warm drinks, or candy tonight. So in compensation for that, we'll be robbing you" Roman announced to Shopkeep.

Under pressure from having a gun pointed at him, the cashier replied "Please, just take my lien and leave".

"Wait, do you mean linen as in the textile made from the fibers of a flax plant? Or lien, the currency used in Remnant?" Roman Atwood the YouTube star questioned.

"The currency used in Remnant. Why in the world would I offer you fabrics?"

"Because lien kinda sounds like linen" the super sexy criminal answered. "Anyway, we're not going to take your money, we're going to take your dust...buuuuut it would be a huge missed opportunity if we didn't take your lien too"

Roman proceeded to hold out his hand, which Shopkeep put lien onto. "Good, now grab the Dust my minions for hire"

The quadruplet that was pointing his gun at Shopkeep put it away, and pulled a container full of smaller round containers out of thin air. Said quadruplet opened the case, and pulled a cylinder out, which the other siblings followed in doing.

"They don't talk much, do they?" the store owner asked.

"Only when they're asked questions, or-"

"Hey kid!" one henchman shouted.

"Robbing somebody" Roman finished, still leaning on the glass counter.

So how do you like the story so far Salem?

"It's ridiculous. Roman originally came to "From Dust Till Dawn" for DUST. Yet you have him trying to order slushies, drinks, and candy. Did he even read the sign? It would be understandable if the first thing Roman saw were the tubes of Dust and not the sign, but-"

Don't put so much thought into this story. It is an Abridged Crackfic Parody after all, anything can happen without any eggsplanation.

"...Why did you make an unnecessary egg pun?

Worry about that later, Ruby's about to make her grand entran-"

"AAAAHHH! Why are there voices inside my head while I'm reading a pornographic weapons magazine?" Ruby yelled to the heavens.

Woah, woah, wait...Ruby...you can hear us?

"Yes, I can hear you two!"

"Noooooooo! The characters aren't supposed to hear my narration!"

"Who are you, and why do you sound kind of evil?" Ruby inquired.

"I can't answer those questions since you're not supposed to know about my existence...yet"

Well I can answer those questions since I don't give a crap about the canon.

"DON'T YOU DARE!"

The voice freaking out right now is named Salem, she's the big bad bad girl in your world.

"DAMN YOU!"

"Then, who are you?"

Apparently I'm now the new Mysterious Narrator since Salem's identity has been revealed.

"They're some random Fanfiction writer on the internet"

DAMN YOU TOO SALEM!

"What's a Fanfiction?"

That's not important right now Ruby, because you're about to be "robbed".

"Huh?" the confused girl turned around to face a man pointing a sword at her. "Are you...robbing me?"

"Yes...actually no. I needed to make it seem like I was robbing you in order to talk to you" the henchman explained, putting his sword away.

"Ah!" Ruby responded, dropping her hood and taking her headphones off. "So, what do you need?"

"I was wondering if you knew of any slushie places around here. The guy who hired me to be his "friend"/goon mistook those Dust tubes for slushie machines"

Ruby then looked behind the goon to look at the walls "I can see why your contractor would mistake them for slushie machines. But, didn't he read the sign? Everybody reads a store's sign before they enter"

"He looked through the window first, saw the Dust tubes second, dragged me and my brothers in third, and never once thought about reading the sign"

"Oh"

"You only added that part in because I said something, didn't you?"

Maaaaayyyyyybeeeeee :)

"Can you guys please be quite?" Ruby pleaded. "Two people in my head having a conversation is annoying"

Hey, you know who you remind me of right now Ruby?

"Uh...my mom?"

No, Deadpool.

"The Merc with a Mouth?"

Yeah, he dresses up in red and black, has two voices in his head, has a few- scratch that, A LOT of screws loose.

"I do NOT have any screws loose!"

"Says the one who has a weapons fetish"

"It's not a fetish. It's just an unusual sexual attraction"

That's exactly what a fetish is -_-

"Uh...kid. Who are talking to? And are you gonna answer my question about slushies?

"Oh ho, right, sorry" Ruby blushed in embarrassment. "I'm new to town, so I don't know of any slushie places around here"

"Aw man" the henchman said with disappointment.

"Hey, wait a second! Are you guys robbing this store!?"

"Uh, yeah. Do you want in?"

"Huh!? Why would I help you!?" Ruby asked flabbergasted.

"Because the color scheme of your outfit is the same as me and my brothers'"

The black haired girl looked at her clothes and at the goon's. "I see what you mean. But..."

Back with Roman

"I wonder why that kid is yelling about fetishes, and not having any screws loose"

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" a henchman shouted as he went flying across the store, crashing into the front wall.

"Whoah! Hold on now!" an alarmed Roman said.

The goons for hire ran to the back of "From Dusk Till Dawn", with Roman in front of all of them to confront Ruby.

"Uh, excuse me. You just kicked my friend- er, I mean, "friend" all the way to the front of this store" Roman Reigns reiterated, making sure to use air quotes around the word friend.

"Uh, excuse ME, but you guys are robbing this store" Ruby insinuated.

"Only because THAT geezer falsely advertised his Dust!"

"Maybe you should've read my store sign, dumbass" Shopkeep insulted

"ZIP IT GRAMPS!" Roman shot back

"Don't tell that nice, and possibly perverted old man to zip it!" Ruby defended.

"Possibly perverted?"

Almost every single old man in an anime is perverted.

"DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP IT!" a seething Roman told Ruby.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TELL YOU TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP IT!" Ruby tongue tied.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME TO NOT TELL THAT POSSIBLY PERVERTED OLD MAN TO ZIP!" Roman tongue tied back, making Ruby's tongue tie even more tongue tying.

"AND DON'T YOU GO TELLING ME TO NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT TO TELL ME NOT TO TELL YOU TO NOT to tell me not to not to tell...GAH! THIS IS RIDICULOUS!" Ruby pointed out.

"Indeed"

Kick their asses!

Outside

*CRRRRAAAASSSSHHH!*

"Really? Onomatopoeia? You were too lazy to describe the sound of breaking glass? Or about how the streets were calm before Ruby kicked four people through a window? And why put it in my font?

That's too much detail for a Crackfic.

"Oh, so you don't posses the skill level to write a non-Crackfiction?"

Hey! I have two normal stories posted on this website with detail in them (I really need to finish my Steven Universe Death Crystal story, it's been a year and a half). So I do posses the skill level, I just want to write a fun, non-serious, not so detailed Fanfiction.

"Show me. Show me that you're a skilled enough writer to have detail in your stories"

I don't have to show you anything!

"Do it for the Vine!"

Wha- how do you know what that is?

"I have no idea. I'm just copying what you humans do, and now I feel stupid"

You better feel stupid, because that trend died out before your reveal in Season 3.

"Well then, do it for the fans!"

The fans?

"Yes...or what few fans you'll have for this story"

...Fine.

"That's right, you better obey your dark goddess!"

I'm getting you back for this later...all right, let's rewind.

The empty desolate streets of Vale in front of "From Dust Till Dawn" had not one soul in them. Not one shadow human, main character, Grimm (obviously), or small creature. As if all living beings knew what was coming, or the animators didn't have the budget to add in any bystanders. The only thing present were the street lamps, casting their dim light (Even though the Moon casts plenty of light. Seriously, why put up street lamps when you have a natural source of light shining so brightly?). Yes, all was peaceful in this quiet part of town, when suddenly...

*CRRRRAAAASSSSHHH!*

The right window of "From Dust Till Dawn" broke with a shattering crash, due to four people being sent flying outside. Roman, the Smooth Criminal, and his three "friends" of the goon squad (With one member currently unconscious inside the store) landed on the pavement with broken glass sprinkled around them.

Happy now?

"Yes, very"

Just remember what I said about getting you back.

"Whatever you mere mortal"

"Ugh...ouch" Roman muttered in pain as he got up.

The bowler hat wearing smooth criminal looked around and saw his lackeys still on the ground.

"Get up you lazy mooks! We have to get away from your crazy sister!" Torchwick urged.

"She ain't our sister" one henchman grunted facedown in pain.

"Then why do her clothes have the same color scheme as yours!?" Roman asked.

"...Ya know what? That's a good question" the same henchman answered.

"Hey bowler hat guy!" Ruby shouted to Roman, now standing outside.

"Damn" Ancient Rome whispered under his breath as he turned around. "Look here now Red, we seem to have gotten off on the wrong foot"

"You mean the foot I used to kick all four of you out here?"

"Uh, yeah, sure. But that's not-"

"So you want me to kick you with my left foot instead of my right?"

"No. What I mean is-"

"I feel more comfortable using my right foot. But if that's what you want then I'll gladly oblige" Ruby said before running towards Roman.

"W-wait a second you crazy girl!" R.T yelled in defiance, trying to run away.

It was no use however, due to girls having naturally stronger legs than guys. Ruby caught up to Roman in less than 3 seconds, and firmly kicked him between his tight asscheeks with her left foot.

"YYYYYYYOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUCH!" Mr. Torchwick howled as he was sent flying to a nearby rooftop.

"Whoops, I kicked him way too hard" Ruby said to herself.

"I'll say. You practically planted your foot in his asscrack" some random henchman commented.

"Yeah, pretty sure your foot passed the no entrance zone too" another one chimed in.

"Dude's gonna be pickin' a wedgie out his ass for hours" the henchman that was talking to Roman added.

"Yikes, I better go check on him" the raven haired girl replied to them, staring at the rooftop.

"Out of sympathy, or to lock him up?" one henchman inquired.

"Both"

Rooftop

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ouch" Roman kept saying, trying to walk to the edge of the roof with a super deep wedgie.

"Hey again bowler hat guy!" Ruby called out as she Superman jumped on the roof.

Mr. Smooth Criminal stopped at the opposite edge of the roof, looked back at the black haired girl and muttered, "Persistent".

Just then an aircraft called a Bullhead (Which looks nothing like an actual bull's head, or Bullhead Catfish) popped up and only made noise after it got into Ruby's line of sight. Roman, not wanting to fight Ruby for some reason, jumps in the flying metal deathtrap.

"Roman, did you get the slushies?" a "mysterious" woman (Who always has her face hidden in this chapter. Either by shoddy camera work, or a very out of place dark shadow) asked "When in Rome" as he walked near her seat.

"I couldn't find any"

"What do you mean you couldn't find any? You told me you saw a slushie store after calling me on my Scroll (Basically a Smartphone)" the mysterious woman that totally isn't anybody named Cinder questioned.

"I couldn't find any, there was only Dust"

"What do you mean there was only Dust! You went into a freaking slushie store, right?"

"I mean there was only Dust"

"Did you get out of the Dust aisle!?"

"Yes, and there was more Dust!"

"What do you mean there was more Dust!?"

"It was just more Dust!"

"Did you go to the next aisle over!?"

"There was still Dust!"

"Where the FUCK were you at!?"

"At Dust!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN YOU WERE AT DUST!?"

"I MEAN I WAS AT DUST!"

"WHAT GODDAMN STORE WERE YOU IN!?"

"I WAS IN "FROM DUST TILL DAWN"!"

"WHY IN THE FUCKING HELL WERE YOU BUYING SLUSHIES AT "FROM DUST TILL DAWN"!?"

"FUCK YYOOOOOOUUUUU!"

The totally not Cinder named woman instantly got up and grabbed Roman by his grey Fred Jones from Scooby-Doo ascot. "Listen here you eyeliner wearing, Micheal Jackson "Smooth Criminal" looking Bowler Hat Guy from Meet the Robinsons motherfucker. If you ever talk to me like that ever again I will roast you to ashes"

"Y-you mean with your fire magic or by verbally pointing out my flaws?" Mr. Torchwick asked.

"Both" the "mysterious" woman clarified with glowing fiery yellow eyes...or fiery light orange eyes...yellow-orange? Banana yellow?

"Hey uh, Ms. Mysterious Lady. Are you associated with that bowler hat guy?" Ruby interrupted, shouting up at the Bullhead.

Her name is Cinder Fall.

"No! Don't tell her th-"

"Oh, sorry Cinder. I didn't call you by your real name" Ruby Red Rose Slippers from the Wizard of Oz apologized.

"Goddamn it!"

"How do you know my name!?" Cinder angrily yelled, throwing Roman down in the Bullhead.

"The voice in my head told me" Ms. Rose truthfully answered.

"...So...you have telepathy?" the woman in high heels guessed.

"Nope"

"You're...just straight up crazy" Cinder assumed.

"Why do people keep saying that!? I'm just unique!" Ruby defended.

"Right, well...goodbye" Cinder bid before shooting a fireball from her right hand.

"Maybe if I stand here like an idiot someone will save me at the last second" the girl mused to herself.

Cinder's fireball continued on it's path towards Ruby, who merely stood there. Fortunately and coincidentally, a blonde woman who isn't Yang jumped down from out of nowhere to block the attack.

"What!? Where did SHE come from!?" Roman asked, prompting a very important question that'll never get answered.

"I have a feeling she's going to get saved at the last second A LOT in life. Either by other people, or a spontaneous power boost" Cinder responded, referring to Ruby.

Rome-wasn't-built-in-a-day took note of the blonde's attire. "I'm 99% sure she's a teacher"

"Prove it" the bad black haired girl urged.

"Well, she has her hair in a bun, wears glasses, has a static as fuck face, wears a black skirt, black stockings, and high heels" Roman listed.

"Yep, that's a teacher. A basic anime teacher" Cinder agreed and insulted.

"At least I don't have an out of place shadow covering my face" Ms. Goodwitch pointed out, shooting a barrage of blue laser things with her wand.

"Eeeeeeeekkk!" Roman screamed like a girl as he dived for the Bullhead controls.

"Oh yeah. Run away like a scared little bitch. Real manly Roman Numerals" Cinder commented harshly before shooting a fire blast at Glynda.

Ms. Goodwitch blocked the attack with some sort of magical shield. But by blocking the fire blast it caused little pieces of glass...lava...er, Dust to fall on the ground around her and glow brightly.

"Shit" Glynda cursed before jumping backwards and avoiding an explosion.

Said explosion caused some debris to fly up into the air, which formed a straight line at the wave of Ms. Goodwitch's wand.

"Damn it! Roman, get us out of here...and make sure you go to an ACTUAL slushie store this time!" Cinder ordered.

"Aye aye captain" Roman responded.

"Oh no you don't" Glynda shouted, shooting her straight line of debris at the Bullhead.

Unfortunately due to plot reasons, Glynda's attack barely missed the Bullhead. Thus allowing the criminal duo to fly away into the night.

Ms. Goodwitch blankly stared at the escaping Bullhead before turning her head towards Ruby. The teenage raven haired girl had over exaggerated anime eyes filled with extra glare and stars.

"Y-your a Huntress, r-right?" Ruby stuttered to asked with wonderment in her voice.

"Yes" Glynda flatly answered.

"Can I have your autograph!?" Ruby suddenly blurted out.

Interrogation Room

"WHAT!? H-how did I get here so fast!?" Ms. Rose exclaimed, looking around the room.

"I hope you realize that your actions tonight will not be taken lightly, young lady. You put yourself and others in great danger" Glynda accused as she paced around the room.

"They started it!" Ruby defended.

"That's a lie. You're associated with them because the color scheme of your clothes match those of the street level goons' suits" the blonde teacher pointed out.

"N-no! You've got it all wrong! Isn't there some convenient footage of me stopping them that you can pull up on your Scroll (Tablet)?" the darkly dressed girl asked.

"If it were up to me you'd be sent home...with a pat on the back" Glynda started.

Ruby's face lit up with happiness.

"And a thorough BDSM session" Ms. Goodwitch finished, licking her lips.

"WH-WHAT!?" Ruby stuttered in utter shock. "Just because I do sexual things with Crescent Rose doesn't mean I'm into BDSM!"

"WHAT!? Y-y-y-you have a sexual relationship with your weapon!?" the blonde stuttered back in shock.

"Alright, that's quite enough you two" Ozpin interrupted, entering the room with a plate of cookies. "Besides, you're only supposed to do that to me Glynda"

"You never let me" Goodwitch stated.

"That's beside the point" Ozpin said as he set the plate of cookie's down. "So Ruby, have you been hearing voices in your head lately?"

"Yes! One of them is this evil sounding woman named Salem, and the other is a Fanfiction writer!" Ruby told both Beacon Academy staff members, and then stuffed all the cookies in her mouth like a chipmunk.

"Salem!?" Glynda shouted.

"Don't worry, Salem won't be bothering us in this story. Right, Fanfiction writer?" Ozpin addressed.

Yep, she's nothing more than comic relief.

"What do you mean I'm nothing more than comic relief!? I'm one of the most serious characters in RWBY!"

Not in this Fanfiction. Matter of fact, I have a surprise for you at the end of this chapter.

"I sense bullshit"

"You two argue like an old married couple" Ozpin teased.

Woah, hold on there Wizard of Oz. I'm a real person, and shipping myself with a fictional character is just weird and creepy.

"Agreed"

"Ha ha, I'm just kidding" the silver haired man dismissed.

"You can hear them too!? Then I'm probably not going crazy!" Ruby exclaimed with joy in her face.

"Or maybe we're both crazy" Oz suggested.

The joy drained from Ruby's face.

"Sorry for bursting your bubble. But just to move the plot along, my name is Ozpin, you have silver eyes which won't be important until the end of Volume 3-"

Season 3.

"I'm sorry, season 3. And you're cordially invited to my academy. Good? Good. You'll be hugging your sister in the next scene" Ozpin listed.

"What? Scene?" Ms. Rose questioned.

Airship

"Oh, I can't believe my baby sister is going to Beacon with me! This is the best day ever!" Yang gleefully said as she tightly hugged Ruby.

WHAT!? Yang is Ruby's sister!?

"Yes, and?"

I, uh...may have made a huge mistake.

"What did you do!?"

"Ack, you've never hugged me this tight unless you're having an orgasm" Ruby exclaimed with short breath due to the tight hug.

"Only because nobody makes me cum like you do~" Yang whispered seductively into Ruby's ear.

"Oh stop it" Ruby replied with a deep blush on her cheeks.

"..."

Salem?

"..."

Salem?

"..."

Sa-

"WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THIS!? You have single handedly put one of the most disgusting ships of RWBY into this Fanfiction! They're sisters damn it! SISTERS! That's fucking incest! Wh-why!? Just...WHY?

Because I watched a part the Season 3 finale.

"And?"

And I saw the part were Ruby and Yang were talking to each other in a bedroom. Yang lost her arm and was telling Ruby everything that happened after she passed out from her Silver Eyes giving her a spontaneous power boost.

"And!?"

Ruby said "I love you" to Yang before she left.

"FUCKING AND!?"

So I assumed they were gay.

"You just...you just assumed they were gay. Did you even know they were sisters!?"

No.

"Ugh, this is what happens when you don't watch a series in order"

...I'm keeping my ship.

"It's...fucking...incest! Do you condone incest!?"

No.

"Then why would you keep it!?"

Because...Crackfic reasons.

"WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!?"

"Hey, old married couple. Can you keep it down? I'm trying to talk to my sister with whom I'm in an incestual relationship with" Ruby demanded.

"Someone...anyone...end this nightmare"

Don't worry, it's not going to get any worse...for the characters. I can't say the same for you.

"Ozpin, help me! You can't possibly sit idly by and let this fool ruin RWBY!"

...

"..."

...Looks like he really doesn't care.

"Oz! You bastard! I know you can hear me!"

"Sorry, but I promised the narrator to never speak unless I make a physical appearance" Ozpin told Salem.

"I don't care! Just help me get rid of him!"

"Again, I'm sorry. But I love seeing you pissed off" Oz joked.

"Are you serious!?"

"Yep, bye-bye" Oz bid.

"Ozpin? Ozpin! Get your silver headed ass back here!"

He's gone Salem.

"OOOOoooOOOooOO...I wish I weren't immortal so committing suicide could be an option"

A 2-D animated holographic newscast which was silent up until this point began to make sound in the Airship. It showed a mugshot of Roman Torchwick, who looked like a smug orange haired dickbag.

"The robbery was led by nefarious criminal Roman Torchwick, who apparently only wanted slushies. If you have any information on his whereabouts, or know why he robbed a Dust store for slushies, please contact the Vale Police Department. Now back to Bulma from Dragon Ball Z's ugly twin sister" Cyril Ian insulted.

The screen changed from Roman's mugshot to a furious Lisa Lavender. Who had angry white anime eyes.

"Well thanks for that jackass!" Lisa screamed to her co-worker.

"No problem Bulma ripoff" Cyril nonchalantly said.

"Grrrrrrr" Ms. Lavender growled before calming down, allowing her eyes to turn back to normal. "In other news, this Saturday's Faunus Civil Rights protest turned dark when-"

"You mean the Furry Civil Rights protest?" Cyril interrupted.

"For the last time Cyril! It's the Faunus Civil Rights protest! Calling them Furries is raciest!" Lisa corrected.

"I believe you mean speciest, because Furries aren't a race of humans" Cyril corrected back.

"Whatever!" Lavender said, trying to change the subject before she blew a fuse. "Now, the Saturday's Faunus Civil Rights protest turned dark when members of the White Fang disrupted the ceremony. The once peaceful organization has now disrupted-"

"Why do they call themselves the White Fang if their symbol is a red wolf with three claw marks? Shouldn't they be called the Red Fang instead?" Cyril interrupted again, prompting a good question.

"GGGGRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! I SWEAR TO WHATEVER GOD YOU BELIEVE IN, I WILL FUCKING RIP OUT YOUR GODDAMN LUNGS, SHOVE ONE DOWN DOWN YOUR THROAT, AND SHOVE THE OTHER ONE, UP YOUR-"

The newscast got cut off as a hologram of Glynda appeared.

"Jesus, those two get too riled up in the morning" Ms. Goodwitch said to herself, referring to Cyril and Lavender. "Anyway, hello, and welcome to Beacon!" the blonde teacher greeted.

"Psst, who's the blonde bimbo?" Yang whispered to Ruby.

"My name is Glynda Goodwitch" she revealed.

"Oh" Yang replied, having her question answered.

"Like you're one to talk" Ruby remarked, poking Yang's breasts.

"You are among a privileged few who have received the honor of being selected to attend this prestigious academy. Our world is experiencing an incredible time of peace, and as future Huntsmen and Huntresses, it is your duty to uphold it. You have demonstrated the courage needed for such a task, and now it is our turn to provide you with the knowledge and the training to protect our world" Gylnda announced, before the hologram disappeared.

"Didn't we already know that?" Ruby asked.

"Yeah, but you know. School. They tell you stuff you already know to sound smart, and prestigious" Yang answered.

"Right...oh look!" the younger sister shouted as she ran to the window.

Outside the window lied Beacon Academy, which isn't to be confused with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, Durmstrang Institute for Magical Learning, Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Uagadou, Mahoutokoro, Castelobruxo, Koldovstoretz, College of Winterhold, Arcane University, Rowan Academy, Burg Magic School, Balamb Garden, Brakebills College for Magical Pedagogy, Carthak University, Greenlaw College, Groosham Grange, The Lisbon School of Magic, Magic School, Miss Cackle's Academy for Witches, Miss Robichaux's Academy for exceptional young ladies, Roanoke Academy for the Sorcerous Arts, Roke: The School of Magic on Roke Island, Veritas, Unseen University, Will O' Wisp Academy, Witch University, Wizard's Hall, Alice academy, School of magic, Magicians' Guild/University, The Colleges of Magic.

"Good Lord. Are there any more magical academies?"

Those were mostly from western literature. Do you want me to list the ones from anime too?

"No...please...no. This story is giving me a massive headache"

"Yep, that's a nice view" Yang commented as she walked next to Ruby. "Can't wait get to get down there, unwind" the blonde smacked Ruby on her ass. "Have some fun~"

"Hey, save it until tonight" the raven haired girl jokingly warned her sister.

"By the way, do you still have sex with Crescent Rose?"

"Only when I'm desperate" Ruby revealed.

"So all the time?" Yang deadpanned.

"Yes" Ruby truthfully revealed this time.

"Ugh, please Ruby, no more Crescent Rose threesomes" Yang groaned.

"But it's not the same without her" Ruby whined, making puppy dog eyes.

"...Oh...alright. Only because you're so cute" Yang gave in, giving Ruby a hug.

"This is so...ugh! I can't even put into words how disgusting this is!

Well don't flip out yet, because it's about to get worse...for you.

"I assure you, there's nothing worse than incest in a Fanfiction"

Last Night while Cinder and Roman were Making their Getaway

"So...Cinder. You and me...are we ever-"

"Don't even think about it Roman" Cinder snapped

"Why? Is there something wrong with me? Is there somebody else?" Roman questioned.

"I'm in a healthy relationship with my mother, Salem" Cinder answered.

"Salem? Sounds kinda evil, but either way...YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR MOTHER!?" the Smooth Criminal shouted in surprise, almost wrecking the Bullhead.

"Yes, and she has a bigger dick and balls than any man or Faunus hope to have" the evil girl added.

"Y-YOU FUCKED-"

Cinder's eye's started glowing "Watch your mouth around me, especially when talking about mother"

"Okay, let me rephrase that...YOU HAD SEX WITH YOUR MOM!? THAT'S INCEST, AND IT'S FAR FROM A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP!" Roman yelled.

"She's not technically my mother, more like my mother figure. So it's not incest" Cinder explained.

"I-it may not be incest since you're not related, but still! She's your mother figure!" Roman argued.

"Salem is love, Salem is life" Cinder responded.

"WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?" Roman screamed in utter confusion.

"WHAT!? WHAT IS THIS FOOLISHNESS!? I WOULD NEVER- AAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHH!"

Are you okay?

"What kind of malevolent human are you!? You, and a hand full of other Fanfiction writers have to be the most disgusting and evil people on the planet! There's so much incest at the end of this story, not to mention all the other stuff that I can't list out since there's so much actual BULLSHIT! And what's that about me having dick and balls!? I don't-"

*Salem feels a huge mass grow in her groin area*

Uh, see you in chapter 2, bye!

"No...please no"

*Salem slowly lifts up her dress, muttering no in fear and nervousness. She fully lifts her dress, and sees something that makes her eyes go wide in absolute terror*

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

The Entrance to Beacon Academy

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Salem's scream echoed.

Ozpin was standing near the main entrance of Beacon Academy, took a sip of his cocoa, and said "Ha! Hashtag LOL!"

A/N: Hope you enjoyed the story, and if you didn't, feel free to leave a hate comment. I'll make sure to make you even more angry. Because as an old internet troll once said, "If you have haters, you must be doing something right". Seriously, look at how many people hate Teen Titans Go, now look at the ratings. That show is doing something right...until Cartoon Network started running it into the ground.