Title: to the monster who didn't succeed

Summary: Accidentally stumbling upon the conclusion that the Cullen's were vampires was in all honesty, way too easy. Even if Lisette wasn't actually serious when she accused them of being vampires. Now the werewolves... [Mild Crack Elements ft. Gay Girls]

Rating: T

Disclaimer: Disclaimed.

Warnings: There's a lot of swearing. Also, Lisette is a lesbian. She thinks lesbian thoughts. It's rad.

Notes: I'm not taking this seriously at all tbh. NOTHING about this is serious. Nothing. I found this in my wip folder and I'm so bored that I fixed it up a little bit and am now posting it. Why do I have so many Twilight fics on the back burner? I haven't even read the books. Peace.

.

01.

to the monster who didn't succeed

The One Where Liz Needs To Be Introduced To A Brain-To-Mouth Filter

…

Forks was a lifeless, miserable, cold, rainy, soul-sucking blip of a town. That's probably why when Jessica asked, "So, how are you two liking Forks so far?" in her cheery voice, Lisette replied immediately and with zero hesitation:

"This place sucks."

Screw manners.

Jessica's smile faltered. "Uh, what?" She giggled. Offendedly. Offensively? Either way, it was a very offended giggle, "It can't be all bad. There has to be something you enjoy — "

"Not really." Lisette said tiredly. It had been a pretty majorly boring day, and after spending all her life in Arizona by this point she could be considered solar-powered. She was pretty sure Forks considered the sun a myth, judging by the constant cloud coverage they get. As soon as she was back at Charlie's, she planned on passing out on her bed until dinner, which, knowing her father, was going to be some sort of grilled red meat in front of the television.

Jessica's smile twitched again. "You don't think the people are okay, at least?"

"Volleyball was okay?"

"Volleyball was — well, I'm glad you liked something about Forks. Even if it isn't — "

Bella cleared her throat uncomfortably, smothering her smirk with her fist, and nodded her head in the direction of the doors.

"Who are they?"

A pale-skinned clique of god-like teenagers were gliding through them, faces blank and indifferent to the sudden influx of eyes watching them. It was all rather dramatic. Lisette could see only one member of the clique who didn't have someone on his arm. The youngest one, perhaps, and the broodiest too, maybe, judging by the look on his face.

Jessica was introducing them to Lisette and Bella; the Cullen-Hales, adopted siblings and all coupled up — sans, of course, Mr. Lonely, who was 'so out of everyone's league that we mere mortals aren't worthy to even look upon him let alone date him'. Yikes.

There was Alice Cullen, a pixie-looking girl attached to the arm of a man who definitely didn't want to be alive. His name was Jasper Hale, and he was a complete weirdo who Jessica flat-out didn't like despite his casual handsomeness. The leggy blonde with the murder eyes was Jasper's sister, Rosalie, and she had a grinning bear of a boyfriend by the name of Emmett, who had biceps bigger than Lisette's head. The broody one Bella was shooting starry-eyed looks at was Edward.

Lisette didn't have much to say on the subject of Edward.

Actually, she didn't have much to say on any of the Cullen-Hales. If she had to pick, she'd say Rosalie was the most attractive—it was either the legs on her or the 'don't-fuck-with-me' aura she gave off—but altogether, they were just too pale for her. Like, everyone in Forks was white as untouched snow, but the Cullen-Hales were freaky-white. Unusual-white. Supernaturally-white.

It was unnerving.

They didn't have red noses or cheeks from the cold and yet their lips were a pale purple. Jasper Hale rarely blinked or even breathed, and he sat like he had a pole up his ass like that didn't make his unsupported back uncomfortable at all. They had lunch that they didn't touch despite the long school day, and full cans of soda pushed to the side of their table, but their weight was average as if they didn't skip meals. Even Emmett Cullen didn't touch his food despite his large body-builder physique.

It was weird. Totally, inexplicably strange.

"What do you think about them?" Bella said lowly, words meant only for the two of them.

"The Cullens?" Lisette clicked her tongue. "I'd put my life savings on them being vampires."

Bella snorted and shoved Lisette's shoulder. "A simple 'I don't like them' would have sufficed." Yeah, sure, except Lisette was only half-kidding. She laughed at Bella and knocked their shoulders together again.

Sagely, she said, "You say that now, but when they ambush you in a dark alley and eat you, then you will realize."

"That's not funny," Bella said as she laughed, clearly finding it amusing at the very least. Liar. "God, Lizzy, you shouldn't go around accusing people of vampirism. What if it's an ancient family secret and you just outed them to the town? What if they're driven out by a mob because some vampire hunters are listening in to our conversation right now?"

"Does this mob have torches and pitchforks?"

"It's a mob, Lizzy. Of course they have torches and pitchforks." Bella looked aghast at the idea of a mob without torches and pitchforks. She carried on, dipping her voice lower in doom, "What if they're listening right now and decide to get rid of the nosy teen age girl for knowing their dark secret?"

"This just in: Sheriff's Daughter Tragically Dies In Suspicious Home Invasion After Publicly Declaring Cullen Family Vampires. More at six."

"I would mourn you at your funeral," Bella told her solemnly, "In my eulogy, I'd be sure to mention Skeletor. May you two finally be reunited in the afterlife."

"I know you're just being a little shit but there isn't a day that goes by when my thoughts aren't plagued of that dog,"

Bella shrugged, "Well, I hated that dog. I know you loved it like it was your own child but, honestly, it was the best day of my life when it died."

Lisette made an outraged noise that drew the attention of their lunch-mates. "Bella you godless heathen, how dare you."

"He slobbered everywhere! And peed where he didn't! And, God, the stink that followed the damned thing around."

"What are you two talking about?" Mike poked in to ask.

Lisette huffed. "Old dog that peed on Bella a lot. She holds a grudge against good ol' Skeletor, may he rest in peace."

"You named your dog Skeletor?"

Lisette refused to feel ashamed. "Bella named the cat He-Man."

"It was fitting." Bella sniffed. "They were archenemies. What else was I supposed to call her?"

"Whiskers?" Mike suggested.

"Socks?" Eric followed up, looking mildly amused.

"She-Ra." Said Ang…elica? Angelina? She… didn't talk much.

"She-Ra isn't as important as He-Man," Bella responded instantly. "I had no choice but to name her He-Man. Destiny compelled me."

"You could have always ignored destiny and decided to be normal," Jessica said primly. "Who even is He-Man, anyway? I've never heard of him."

Now Bella looked awkward. "He's a, uh, the most powerful man in the universe."

It was clear that wasn't ringing any bells in Jessica's head. "He's what?"

"'By the power of Greyskull, I have the power'? Battle Cat? She-Ra? Is this really not sounding familiar to you at all?" Now Bella looked stricken. "How can you not…" She swallowed and shook her head, looking awkward in a way only Bella could. "Never mind, it isn't that important. It's just a show we used to watch when we were little."

"Was it, like, a popular show?"

"Uh, no, not really. Barely anyone knows it. It isn't unusual that you haven't heard of it."

"Oh. Oh! That's good. I really thought there was something missing but now that I know you guys are the odd ones out, I feel loads better."

"Uh… that's great for you, Jessica." Bella shifted in her seat and turned to the rest of the people at the table. "So, how 'bout them Cullen's, huh?"

Lisette burrowed her head into her hands and tried not to choke on her laughter.

...

Lisette laid flat on her back with a pained look on her face as her twin sister sat beside her, ranting and raving about Edward fucking Cullen.

"He's so rude, I can't believe he would do that — you should have seen the attitude he was giving me, Lisette, it was like I'd gone and murdered his family in their beds and didn't bother washing my hands before deciding to sit next to him—and it isn't even like I had a choice, sitting next to him, his was the only seat that wasn't taken, not that that's surprising anymore, if he acts like that with everyone who sits by him it's no wonder he's alone all the time. Oh, and did I mention how he blocked his nose when I say next to him? Like I reeked? He wasn't even trying to be subtle about it either he has no consideration towards other people's feelings and I'm sick of it, I won't be sitting next to him ever again—oh and another thing—"

Oh, God.

Another thing? There were still things left? How?

Lisette sat up, dragged her hand down her face, and asked, "Do you want to go to the beach?"

Bella grinded to a stop. "Forks has a beach?"

"Probably not a very good one? But it definitely has a pebbly shore beside the sea. So."

"What, there isn't even sand? That isn't a beach. That's a poor imitation of a beach."

"Probably cold there."

"Where would the crabs be?"

"You wouldn't be able to sun tan."

"Beaches are for bikinis. Would I be able to wear a bikini there?"

"No. It's going to be as miserable there as it is everywhere else. So, you coming?"

Bella made a face. "Er, no thanks. Not on my life. Are you going?"

"Since you're not?" Lisette asked for confirmation's sake. Bella frantically shook her head. Lisette rolled to her feet. "Then yes, I am going. I'm going wandering. I'm going to explore this dreary town and redecorate it into something habitable. I'm going to—"

"Have I really been talking that much?"

Trust Bella to understand why Lisette was running away.

Lisette grinned a bit. "You really have. For the past hour, all I've heard is 'Edward this!' and 'Edward that!'. Bells, I don't care about this guy. He's pretty. He's rude. His diet most likely consists of human blood and children. That's all I want to know; nothing else bothers me."

Bella nodded. "I get that. Sorry for, like, boring you, I guess."

"It's okay, you needed to vent. But maybe before you come to me with this problem again, warn me so I can get my Gameboy out."

"Fair." Bella nodded again, bottom lip sticking out as she pondered something. With an odd look on her face, she said, "You know, Edward has black eyes. Like, unusually black eyes, it was like—"

"No." Lisette interrupted immediately. "I don't care if his eyes are molten gold or a shimmering blue like the ocean itself," Bella raised a protest at the mention of 'that one time', but let Lisette continue, "We're not talking about this weirdo anymore. Yeah?"

"But what if—"

"Nope. Nothing. He is now and forever taboo in this household. Forget all about the rude pretty guy with a pseudo-incestuous family. Yeah? Agreed? Are we on the same page here?"

Instead of taking the easy way out, because God forbid, Bella hummed and said, "It is strange how all his siblings are dating each other, isn't it?"

Lisette sighed in relief. "Yes, god, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen." With that settled, she quickly changed into warmer clothes, pulling on a hat, gloves and even a scarf. Bella watched her dress with an amused expression on her face. Lisette whirled around and presented herself. "Do I look like I'm about to die of hypothermia?"

"You look like hypothermia's worst enemy," Bella promised sagely, grinning, "Also, passably adorable."

"Thank you, Isabella, you are a dear as always," Lisette shallowly bowed before fetching her bag and her phone off the charger. "Could you tell dad where I am if he gets home before I do? He'll probably freak otherwise."

"Or he won't notice at all until he needs something." Bella replied in a carefully even voice. Lisette shot her a look. Bella rolled her eyes and slouched a bit. "Or I could just tell him as soon as he walks in the door."

"Thanks. You sure you don't want to come?"

"It's cold inside. I don't want to imagine what it's like outside. Are you taking the truck?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Because you don't have your license and shouldn't be driving it?"

Lisette rolled her eyes. "Okay, do you want to drive me to the beach then? Is that what you're offering?"

"... No. I don't want to hang out with Jessica or Angela, to be honest."

"Angela? Is that her name?" Lisette tugged on her shoes, jumping around the room. "I thought it was Angelina."

Bella said sweetly, "You are a horrible person."

"Still better than you, spawn of Satan," Lisette responded absently, looking around the green-schemed room, "Where's my lip gloss?"

"Have you checked your bag?"

"Of course I've checked my bag." Lisette hadn't checked her bag. She cleared her throat and snatched the keys up from the bedside table and stuffed them and her hands into her pockets. Bella watched her with an annoyingly knowing grin. Bitch. "Alright, I won't be long. Just checking out the scene. Who knows, maybe there'll be cute girls down there?"

"If you meet any polite boys down there, give them my number, would you?" Bella was, of course, joking, because Bella was too socially-awkward to finish any job that Lisette started for her. But occasionally she liked to pretend that she had the slightest idea how to navigate the social scene. "We're twins. They won't be able to tell the difference."

"They'll smell the difference, since apparently you have a very distinct stench that follows you around."

Bella huffed and threw herself onto the bed, glaring at the ceiling fixtures, "The nerve of him."

Lisette could tell she'd made a mistake bringing it up and decided now was as good a time as any to leave. Immediately. "Okay, I'll be back soon. Stay warm, love you!" She called as she descended the stairs. She heard Bella repeat the same words back to her as she scrambled out the door. The chill hit her instantly. Lisette couldn't see her visit to the beach going any better (read: warmer) but she resolved to go regardless. She loved the ocean. Regardless of whether the beach had pebbles of sand, she would be a regular there.

Still, it was fucking cold.

Lisette checked her balance on her phone and pursed her lips. She had seven dollars and thirty-three cents.

Enough for a fresh, hot five-dollar-burger at the diner.

She took a deep breath and pulled into the parking lot.

...

A couple of minutes later and with a burger hanging out of her mouth, Lisette's numb fingers fumbled with the truck keys stupidly. It was only expected when she dropped them. She took a bite of her burger, sighed, and bent over to pick them up when another hand, much paler than Lisette's, closed around the keys before hers could.

Very pale hands.

Oh.

...This wasn't going to be good.

"Are you alright?" A cool, melodious voice asked her as they both straightened up. Lisette was only half-surprised to see that Rosalie Hale was the owner of the beautiful voice, all long-legged and elaborately-tied scarf and—was that a Lexus? She drove a Lexus? How was that possible? "You're the new girl, right? Rosalie Hale."

Lisette tore her eyes away from the beautiful car and turned them to the beautiful woman.

'Intimidatingly attractive' was not a phrase Lisette thought she would ever think. She had underestimated Forks.

"Uh… heeeeeyyy, yeah, I know exactly who you are." Lisette said like the bumbling fool she was. Ouch, that was painful. She extended her hand, palm up, for the keys and instead got Rosalie's empty hand. Okay. Handshake it was, then. "I'm Lisette. Swan. Lisette Swan. Hi."

"Oh. I thought you were, uhh, Isabella, wasn't it?"

"Nope, that would be my darling sister."

"Twins? That's... cool." Something in the way Rosalie said the word 'cool' implied, at the very least, that it wasn't a word she used often, nor one that she used sincerely.

Lisette hummed noncommittally, rocking back on her heels. "Uh huh. Some people seem to think so." She looked over Rosalie's shoulder and couldn't see hide nor hair of any other members of her weird cult. There was no one in the car either. Lisette didn't know if that was strange or not but decided to think so anyway. "Anyway, thanks for the help. I suppose."

She held her hand out again, this time leaving no room for misinterpretation. She twinkled her fingers for the keys.

Rosalie's face pinched for a moment, a flash of irritation going through her eyes, which was the only thing that indicated to Lisette the other emotion in her eyes—no, in her body. She was projecting it. She was trying to seduce Lisette?

Okay, seduce was an uncharitable way to put it. Flirt with her, then? That sounded nicer.

...but why?

Rosalie dropped the keys in Lisette's hand. "Think nothing of it," She said, and yes, now that Lisette was aware, her voice did have a sultry quality to it. What even. "Did you come out for a meal or were you learning the roads? I'd be happy to help."

"Uh, thanks for the offer, it's generous, but I'm good. This isn't the first time I've lived in Forks. Plus, you have things to do, probably, and La Push is on the other side of town. So." Lisette shrugged.

Rosalie wrinkled her nose. "La Push? That's a nice place, I suppose, though it is cold. Nothing like Arizona beaches."

"Every beach has an ocean which is about the only part of a beach I really care about, so the cold is okay. I've got warm clothes on."

"You do look rather warm. I'm a bit jealous. I'm freezing all the time, especially my hands." Rosalie sighed like a woeful maiden stuck in a tower. Was she for real? Was she actually like this? "In this weather, I wonder if I'll ever feel life in them again, you know?"

Lisette didn't how to respond. "Life's overrated," She decided to say, before cringing, and shaking her head. Rosalie had frozen, eyes narrowed and something very near defensive in the set of her shoulders. Lisette didn't notice because Lisette was too busy rambling. "Well, actually, that's a lie, life has it's moment where it isn't, like, a complete shithole, like chicken burgers and flavoured tea and, I don't know, twin sisters—"

"Children," Rosalie said softly, in this painful and wistful voice, and Lisette had a split-second thought of teenage-pregnancy-abortion-lost-her-baby? before she pushed it away. None of your business, Swan, she thought sternly. "Marriage."

"First kisses are also pretty life-changing," Lisette said, thinking briefly on the first kiss she shared with a girl, and the way it lit a fire inside of her that couldn't be tamed. She paused. "Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. I ramble a lot."

Rosalie blinked. "We were talking about the cold. And how I'm always cold, too, I suppose, though that was less important—"

"Probably you're always cold because you're, like, definitely a vampire. Mystery solved." Lisette was one-hundred-percent joking, is the thing, but when Rosalie stopped breathing entirely and narrowed her eyes in suspicion and anger, Lisette realized, holy shit, what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck? "Holy shit."

"If that's your idea of a joke—" Rosalie began tersely, a twitching smile on her face, and wow, wow.

Huh?!

"You seriously are?" Lisette cut in, blinking rapidly. What? What? Was this—surely this was a joke? If so, Rosalie was a good actor, because she seriously looked like she was about to rip Lisette's head off. While laughing. "What. The fuck. No way. Jesus, seriously? I was kidding."

Rosalie paused. Her eyes, which were yellow, were wide. "So was I."

Look, a way out of this awkward conversation! Maybe if she were a little less ADHD, she would take it!

She wasn't a little less ADHD.

"Yeah, no, I'm the paragon of truth, I know when people lie to me. Consider it a gift. You're not lying—or at least, you weren't, but now you are. Is this a thing that a lot of people know?" Good going, genius.

Rosalie's silence spoke for her. Lisette made a pained, high-pitched noise in her throat. "Did I just bust your family's secret and endanger you all because I'm an idiot?"

Rosalie's lips thinned. Lisette dragged her hand down her face. "I'm sorry. Please don't kill me, there are witnesses. At least wait until I'm alone, I guess."

"I'm not going to kill you." Rosalie sounded like she wanted to so her words weren't exactly reassuring. "You're coming to my house for dinner. Tell whoever you need to tell, you're coming back with me."

"What, now? Right. Stupid question. Are you going to give me with shovel talk?"

"Who said anything about a shovel? There won't be anything left to bury when I'm done with you."

Lisette made a face. O-kay. "The truck?"

"Bring it. You'll follow my car." As if it was an afterthought, she continued to say, "And don't try to drive away. It won't work."

Lisette still wasn't convinced this wasn't an elaborate prank.

"Gotcha."

...

The Lexus made a lot of sense when Lisette parked her beat-up truck in the driveway of the Cullen-Hale house.

She sighed.

What was going on.

She jumped out of her truck and blinked wonderingly at the doorway. It was empty before. It wasn't now. Alice, Jasper and an unfamiliar woman stood at the door with varying degrees of concern on their faces. Emmett stepped out of the small car that had been following Lisette, charmingly smiling in Lisette's direction before meeting Rosalie and winding his gigantic arm around her waist.

"She's here." Rosalie declared flatly before standing to the edge of the gathering. Alice clasped her hands together. Jasper looked uncomfortable, unsurprisingly enough. The unfamiliar woman smiled warmly and stepped forward.

Lisette made her way towards them. As if she could run.

"Hello, you must be Lisette, the Sheriff's daughter. I'm Esme."

Lisette didn't know what she was doing. "Hello." She said in a lacklustre way. She rubbed the back of her neck and tried again. "Sorry for accidentally stumbling upon your secret and endangering your family, Esme." Oh, Jesus.

What was wrong with her?

Esme had a twinkling laugh. Lisette flushed. "I won't say that it's okay, Lisette, but I know it isn't your fault. Alice has already filled me in on what happened."

"And how does Alice know what happened?"

Were vampires telepathic?

Rosalie rolled her eyes. Esme explained, "Alice can see the future. Decisions that people make. Not every vampire has a gift, but the ones that do are often quite extraordinary." Well, yeah. Seeing into the future was 'quite extraordinary', wasn't it? What else was there?

"You're quite difficult to watch," Alice leaped forward with a smile on her face. "You're quite impulsive, you know, and you say and do things without thinking about them first. I only see what happens when people make decisions, and you… well, you don't make many decisions at all."

"I have ADHD," Lisette blinked. "My mind moves too quickly for me to rely upon it to make decisions. Sorry."

"Oh, I know, Edward told me already," Alice dimpled at her. Lisette was confused again. Okay, not that she ever stopped being confused, but it was louder. The confusion was louder. So were the birds in the trees, actually, and her own breathing. Vampires didn't breathe so it was only her breathing in the clearing. Unnerving. "It's okay. Whether I can see your future or not, I know for a fact that you're trustworthy! Anyone who cares about her family as much as you do has to be a good person."

Lisette decided not to contest that statement despite the fact that it would be easy to. Might as well avoid throwing her head under the guillotine, right? "You can see Bella?"

"Yes, of course."

"Is she alright?"

Without missing a beat, Alice replied, "She's a bit bored without you there so she's going through your luggage. She's looking for something to watch."

Lisette's frown was thunderous. "If she touches my—"

Alice tilted her head, "You speak French?"

Lisette only had one French movie in her bag, and it was one of her favourite movies of all time. She sighed explosively and muttered, "She's touched Le fils de l'épicier. Of-fucking-course she's touched the one movie I told her not to touch."

Bella was going to get it when Lisette came home. Okay, if she ever went home. Chances of death were still high. Her apprehension and fear was suddenly smothered by a sense of peace. Now don't get her wrong, that would be cool except for the fact that Lisette had never chilled out once in her life.

Lisette jolted. "Who the hell was that—"

Jasper swallowed. "Sorry." He said gruffly, sounding like he hadn't had a cool glass of water for months. And considering he was a vampire, that was a concerning metaphor. "I thought it would help."

Lisette took a moment to let her mind race through possibilities. Then, she hesitantly said, "It's called… empathy, right? The emotion thing?"

Alice looked pleasantly surprised. "You're well-read, Lizzy!"

Lisette winced. "Lisette, please. Lizzy's for—"

"Bella, yes, I know, sorry for slipping. It's just, you let me call you that eventually and—"

"Er, yeah, look, it's okay. All is forgiven and… whatnot." Lisette sighed again. She felt like she was doing that a lot lately. "I'm actually really stressed right now so I have to ask before I suffer from a migraine: am I going to be dinner for y'all tonight? Because I have to say 'no thanks' to that."

Rosalie didn't huff, necessarily, since vampires didn't breathe but she sure looked like she wanted to. "Why would we bother talking to you if we were going to eat you?" She pressed. Alice made a sound of protest.

Lisette threw her hands in the air, "I don't know, to calm me down? Misdirection? It's a sound strategy!"

"We're vampires. We don't need strategy; we have super-speed."

"You do? How does that even work? The science doesn't check out—"

Alice giggled, eyes still chastising on Rosalie's aggressive form, "Our entire lives aren't scientifically compatible, Lisette. You'd be better to not think about the details." Fat chance of that happening. Jasper made a groaning noise and looked away from her. "He's fine," Alice said literally just as Lisette opened her mouth.

Lisette closed her mouth. Lisette squinted her eyes. She opened her mouth. "Future thing?"

Alice beamed. "Future thing!"

"Right." Well. Bella was never going to believe this.

"Not at first," Alice started, and Lisette, in a moment of panic at the idea that maybe this little pixie actually was telepathic, made a high-pitched screeching noise. The vampires soon discovered a downside to having super-hearing in the proximity of a Swan with ADHD, because all of them were covering their ears as Lisette had a breakdown. "Oh, oh, what's wrong—"

Lisette stopped kinda-screaming and just. Dropped to the ground. And buried her head in her knees. "Oh, holy hell. This is crazy. This is insane. Do you guys realize that? That your entire existence is... really not sane? I mean—super-speed? Super-hearing? Telepathy?"

"It isn't telepathy—"

"It's close enough! What the fuck? You guys are dead. Like, you really died. Isn't that—"

"Yes," said Rosalie, terse, "It is."

"And you're okay with that?"

Rosalie didn't reply. Esme, the vamp-mom, said, "There's no choice for us, Lisette. We are what we are. It's up to us to make of it what we will, to preserve our sanity however we will. Preserve our humanity. None of us chose to exist in this implausible half-life, but exist we do, and with the presence of a family... sometimes, it's even an existence without regrets."

"—but you eat people."

Rosalie's boyfriend shrugged. "Only the annoying ones," and then made an exaggerated, "ow," when Alice smacked him.

"We're vegetarians, I suppose you could call it," said Esme, still in that unnaturally musical tone. Lisette looked up at her. Esme's face was creased (or as much as an undead face could be creased) in an expression of sympathy. And hurt. As if this was an argument that pained her to make. "We only drink the blood from animals. We don't hurt humans. You're safe from us."

Rosalie looked unhappy. Lisette couldn't blame her: she had just accused them of being serial killer monsters with meaningless existences. "I'm being a bitch, aren't I?" The words were out of her mouth without her permission. Esme's eyes sparkled. Lisette cringed, muttered an apology, and extended her hand out to Esme. The angle was uncomfortable since Lisette was still sulking on the ground, but Esme didn't mention it.

Her hand was hard and cold. Her grip was impossibly gentle.

"Let's start over. Hi, I'm Lisette Swan. I'm seventeen, I moved here from Phoenix with my twin sister to be closer with my dad, and I have this chronic disease called stupidity that makes it difficult for me to think before I speak. Nice to meet you?"

"Not stupidity," Alice sung from the background, and was ignored by everyone except Lisette, who sent her an uncertain glance.

Esme used her gentle grip to pull Lisette to her feet. "Esme Cullen. I'm older than I look, I travel a lot due to my job as an architect, and I am a vampire who is not interested in eating you. It's a pleasure to meet you."

Lisette grinned. Esme's closed-lip smile widened to show her straight white teeth—Lisette wasn't even threatened by them, it was awesome.

"Great. Now that that's over and done with," Emmett stomped forward, Rosalie falling in step beside him, and thrusted his hand in front of Lisette's face. Emmett's handshake was a lot less gentle than his mom's. She probably deserved that. "I'm Emmett, dunno if we've been introduced properly yet. You staying for dinner?"

"Not sure if our ideas of 'dinner' are—"

Emmett coughed and shook his head, "No, no, we're having a human dinner—not like that," he hastened to correct at the way Lisette's eyes bulged, "—we aren't eating anyone! Jesus! We've already hunted, we're full, okay? Esme heard you were coming over and got a bit enthusiastic, is what I meant to say. She has this entire Italian dinner ready for you inside. You're hungry, right?"

The five-dollar burger hadn't been enough to fill Lisette, so...

Lisette hummed. "Wait. Alice? You said you could watch Bella, right? Is it—I don't mean to pimp you out or anything—but can you check and see if she's still watching Le fils de l'épicier?"

Alice's laugh was literally the sounds of bells ringing and bluebirds chirping. "It's okay. She's still watching it. She has a bowl of extra-buttery popcorn in her lap. She's quite happy and warm where she is."

That traitor.

"Then yes," she said, turning to Emmett, and then to Esme, who was watching her with a concerning amount of maternal affection, "I'll stay for dinner. If that's okay with everyone?"

Rosalie made a very deliberate noise of disapproval. Emmett grinned and patted her on the back, forcing Lisette's bones to rearrange themselves to avoid being crushed. Right. Got it. She was still on thin ice for her last comment. Esme and Alice, though—they look overjoyed at Lisette's words. Jasper, predictably, continued his impression of a log and didn't make a single movement. Lisette decided to just leave him be.

"That would be wonderful," Esme lead her into the house, where Lisette could smell a feast. Oh, man. She wasn't that hungry. "I hope you like agnolotti with roasted pumpkin?"

Lisette shrugged. "I'll eat anything once."

At that, the vampires-that-didn't-hate-her laughed like she'd said something terribly funny. Confused, Lisette laughed with them, and tried vigilantly to banish any lingering thoughts of, holy crap they're leading me into their dungeon to kill me. Because that was rude and untrue and rude; Lisette had been raised better than those thoughts.

(She messaged Bella anyway. 'At the Cullen's house (I know, right?) I'll b back 6. If I'm not, make sure my coffin is pink. Love you. x.')

Couldn't be too safe, right?

.

Throw roses into the abyss and say:
'Here is my thanks
to the monster who didn't succeed
in swallowing me alive.'