To Restore a Clan

A Naruto crack thing

By

EvilFuzzy9

Rating: T (for now?)

Genre: Humor/Parody

Characters/Pairings: Sasuke U., Karin, Sakura H., Naruto U.; [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Summary: There was no such thing as a Clan Restoration Act, to Sasuke's disappointment. But that didn't mean it wasn't technically possible to have multiple women give birth to his children. It was just... a bit more complicated. [SasuHarem, NaruHarem, crack]

Obito was a bit slow, that day. When Deidara used his final jutsu, the man of the alias "Tobi" had been just a tiny bit too late in slipping away. He hadn't fought seriously in a while, and his reflexes weren't at their best. Moreover, he simply underestimated how quickly the technique would go off.

The end result was that Deidara's self destruction managed to graze him: and with a technique that powerful, even a merely grazing hit would kill a normal person. Obito Uchiha was, in some ways, as far from normal as one could get while still being human—but he was still human, and still mortal.

It wasn't life-threatening. It wasn't crippling. Most of the damage was to the Hashirama cells grafted to the right half of his body. This would heal by itself, given sufficient time.

He could have used Izanagi to nullify the damage, of course. But the window for activation was relatively narrow, and he had, caught up in something like pride, been reluctant to sacrifice his spare eye to reverse the effects of something that had been his own fault, really. He should have gotten out of the way in time. He shouldn't have tried to get clever with the timing of his transportation jutsu.

Caught up with thoughts like this, as he slipped away into his alternate dimension, Obito hadn't activated Izanagi. This was the kind of thing that you had to be ready to do immediately, or it would have no effect. Obito missed his chance, so whether he wanted to or not, he couldn't.

It wasn't the end of the world. It wouldn't kill him. It wouldn't even put him out of commission for too long, really. Maybe a week or two at the most.

What could possibly happen in that little time?

A lot, as it turned out.

Sasuke watched the smiling face of his brother Itachi fall out of view. He felt the warm blood on his forehead, and he felt the utter exhaustion in every fiber of his body. His chakra was practically nil, and every last one of his active muscles burned with exertion as the numbing thrill of battle dissipated.

It went from his skin to the marrow of his bones, permeating every inch of him, stabbing into his nerves like a million needles. He recalled the time Haku had made him into a living pincushion. He felt a little like that, only a hundred times more sore and tired. Not just physically, either.

His mind was blank. Fatigued in every sense, in flesh and spirit alike, he had been worn down from sharply poignant care to utter, smothering apathy. He felt nothing. He was empty.

Empty.

A vessel with nothing to hold. A fire with nothing to burn. A man with nothing to do.

He had been an avenger.

Now his vengeance was achieved.

What next... brother...?

This was Sasuke's last thought before oblivion took him.

He wandered through dark dreams at the border between life and death. For a time he saw the smiling faces of his mother and father, his family awaiting him from the other side of a narrowing river. Or was it that he waded through this river, crossing it rather than watching it become less wide?

It was difficult to say.

But this vision soon passed as life reasserted its grip on his soul. Another vision came in its place.

He saw his brother as he had once been, or as he had once seemed to be: the brother whom he had loved, admired, and envied. He saw the corpses that littered the family compound. He saw blood everywhere, men cut down in flight, women and children bathed in their own viscera. He saw his brother Itachi, the villain, the enemy, the traitor, the murderer.

He saw tears in Itachi's eyes, lying on the ground as his brother left the compound for the final time, leaving behind the fruits of an unforgivable sin. He was a kinslayer accursed, one doomed to a death by kinslaying in turn, blood repaid with blood. He saw the mad laughter in Itachi's eyes, once kind, once cold.

He saw the smile on Itachi's face and felt the final flick to his forehead.

This was too much for dreams to undarken.

The delirious paths of his mind took him wandering elsewhere.

To kill a certain man.

To kill my brother, Itachi.

To get revenge for our family.

To avenge my clan.

To restore my clan.

This had been his goal, and it was now achieved. His brother was dead, and the debt of honor had been paid. His clan was restored in that regard. Its pride was restored. Its dignity.

But was this restoration, really? Could one man truly call himself a clan?

Dreams of hopeful fancy, long suppressed, came dancing before the eye of his mind. He saw himself as a grown man wedded, head of the military police, with many children to care for and cherish. He saw himself rebuilding, repopulating, returning the Uchiha to Konoha. He saw himself old and glad, surrounded once more by a large and loving family, most renowned in all the world of shinobi.

A throbbing ache blossomed in his chest.

He remembered things forgotten, things learned when still he had hoped for more than death in the pursuit of honor, when he had still been young and foolish enough to think he could overcome his brother and restore the clan, truly restore it.

Sasuke Uchiha wasn't a fool, whatever his deeds might say of him. He was a man of Feanorian determination and singleminded resolve. Once he set his mind on something, there was little that could turn him aside. Yet he was also naive, in his own way, and easily influenced. Intelligent enough to work many things out, but also stubborn enough to ignore the obvious, and desperate for meaning and direction.

He was human, in other words. He was a man young and passionate, filled with a fire of life that refused to be quenched, though it guttered now and dimmed to its lowest point yet. If another came, strong willed and possessing secret knowledge to sway his heart ere it could fill with its own new purpose, they could quite likely turn him to any end they might desire.

But Obito was still laid up, and though Zetsu reported to him of the fight that had transpired, in his weakened state the man who called himself both Tobi and Madara was not able to respond right away.

Konoha got to Sasuke first.

Taka, a close second.

When Sasuke awoke, it was to an unexpected sight.

He had supposed, given his much weakened state after the fight with Itachi, that Karin might be tending or fawning over him. If Suigetsu wasn't there, she might take advantage of him. He didn't know if Juugo would intervene in such an scenario.

Sasuke was vaguely conscious that ninja from Konoha were probably on their trail. He had crossed paths with a shadow clone of Naruto and dispelled it quite mercilessly. They had performed evasive maneuvers to buy time for his fight with Itachi. But somehow, Sasuke hadn't quite expected to see his old Konohagakure comrades upon waking.

Or maybe it was the fight that took him aback. On a certain level, he was genuinely bemused by the stand off between the Leaf ninja and his teammates in Taka. Shino and Kiba were squaring off with Suigetsu. Sakura and Hinata flanked Karin. Kakashi had Juugo pacified with a sharingan stare.

Naruto was standing over Sasuke, looking torn between triumph and caution. The blonde, naturally, was first to see the flutter of Sasuke's eyes.

"He's awake!" Naruto cried, as loud and excitable as ever. But the look on his face was mixed, and his posture not a little guarded.

Sakura looked over.

"Sasuke is—?" she said, before cutting herself off. Her expression was, if possible, both happier and more worried than Naruto's.

Sasuke tried to move. He found that it hurt rather too much to do so, and he achieved only a feeble shifting of his shoulders.

"Ah," he said, looking up at Naruto. He wasn't sure how to feel about the other's presence. Or how he ought to feel, that is. His heart was not remotely conflicted, and it rose gladly within him, betraying the failure of all those attempts to sever that stupid, stubborn bond.

Despite himself, Sasuke felt the edges of his lips curl upward.

"Fancy seeing you here, numbskull."

Naruto tensed at this address, both happy and wary.

"Hey, Sasuke!" Suigetsu shouted. "If you're done lying on your ass, maybe you could help us get rid of these Leaf losers? We're a little outnumbered here."

"Get out of my way, you bitches! Sasuke needs me!" Karin protested. The look in her eyes as she glanced in Sasuke's direction was anything but tender, though it was certainly loving.

"What are your orders, Sasuke?" inquired Juugo, slurring a little through his sharingan sedation. He swayed on the spot, transfixed, if not wholly subdued.

Sasuke hummed. He felt another dull stab of pain. Lethargy weighed him down.

Thoughtfully, he looked around. He felt tired. Much too tired to fight. He just wanted to rest, to have the time to think and recuperate from these taxing, draining affairs.

He vaguely recalled his dreams. He wasn't sure what to make of half of them, or how to sort the associated worries. But one thing stuck in his mind, one foolish and naive thought that had struck his nine year old self when he'd still equated restoring his clan with repopulating the Uchiha sector, with starting a family big enough to become the clan's next generation.

Sasuke had always been something of a smart kid. Not nearly as cerebral as his brother, maybe, but he had certainly possessed sufficient powers of reasoning and arithmetic to reach this one, certain conclusion.

With nothing else he could think of, nothing else left for him to do in the goal that had so long consumed him, Sasuke turned to the girls. He ignored Hinata.

"Sakura... Karin..." he said, his voice hoarse and his throat scratchy. "Do you two wanna marry me?"

A beat.

A pause.

A long, pregnant, formidable silence.

"What."

Suigetsu stared blankly at Sasuke. He forgot all about the two ninja flanking him, as well as the dog and the insects. His expression was slack, but a flurry of thoughts danced behind his eyes.

Kiba, for his part, gave Sasuke an angry look. While he was willing to view the guy as a comrade, he didn't forget the pains they'd gone through in their attempt to rescue him from the Sound Four and Orochimaru. Kiba was loyal, and that fiercely loyal spirit caused him to resent Sasuke's defection all the more.

Shino visibly cocked an eyebrow in the shade of his hood. For the Aburame this was a world of expression, and it said very much to those who knew him well. He was of a like mind with Kiba on this matter, and he was moreover touched by the absurdity of Sasuke's words.

Hinata's face was red on behalf of the other two girls, and she looked anxiously between them and Sasuke, clearly at a loss. She was sweet, and something of a romantic. Her feelings about Sasuke weren't very strong one way or another, but she knew that Naruto still thought of the man as a friend.

Kakashi seemed almost slightly amused. He shrugged as if to say "What am I going to do with you guys?" and softly shook his head, although he kept his sharingan trained on Juugo. Naruto gaped incredulously. He looked about ready to sock Sasuke on the girls' behalf and shout "What kind of question is that, you jackass?!"

Karin stared at Sasuke. She blinked. Her expression was difficult to read. She looked at Sakura, following Sasuke's glance.

Sakura blinked. She stared at Karin. Her face was pink, and she curled her fists. She trembled, her expression vaguely dangerous.

Sasuke looked expectantly at the two girls he had addressed.

"Well?" he said, pressing them.

Sakura twitched, but Karin smiled.

"Well," said the redhead slowly. "I don't like the idea of sharing, but I guess pinky isn't too much of an eyesore. Maybe she'd make a nice sex slave for us."

Karin grinned toothily, a perverted look passing over her face.

Sakura reddened at these words, and she winced. She looked long at Karin, then turned her gaze to Sasuke.

"Sasuke-kun..." she said slowly. "Three years... three years of worrying... and fretting... and now, when we're finally ready to bring you home..."

She trembled, and all the men in her vicinity reflexively inched away.

"...Why do you ask me a question like that, you jerk~?"

Facefaults ensued as Sakura blushed and wiggled her hips, piping the last words in a girlish singsong that utterly failed to convey any genuine anger or disgust on her part. If anything, she looked and sounded foolishly delighted.

"Uh, Sakura-chan," said Naruto, scarcely able to believe that he now had to act as the voice of reason. "He also asked that other girl, too. Isn't that, um... against the rules, or something?"

"It's perfectly legal," Kakashi supplied blandly. "At least, where there are no laws. But in Konoha, at any rate, yes, it is against 'the rules' to have more than one spouse."

Sasuke raised his head, and he brought himself to a sitting position.

"Maybe they've changed the law since the last time I checked," Sasuke said. "But there's the First Hokage's so-called polygamy clause."

Hinata suddenly laughed. This took her friends aback even more than Sakura's response to Sasuke's question.

"You—" Hinata started, her face turning red as she put a hand over her mouth in an attempt to stifle the indecent sound of her breathless giggling. "You—You don't mean that? Oh, but—oh, goodness. No. No, nobody would ever take that seriously."

Kiba gave Hinata a bemused look. Shino also looked curious.

"Wait, what are you talking about?" said Naruto.

"From the regulations on village life and homestead organization, pertaining especially to a shinobi's domestic obligations," supplied Sakura, sounding like she was quoting a passage from memory. "Section three, concerning marriage and parental duties, subsection seven. The polygamy clause."

Naruto blinked.

"Huh?"

"It's an old law," said Hinata, wiping the tears from her eyes. "Or rather, an old exception to the law outlining the circumstances under which a shinobi might potentially have multiple spouses. Nobody takes it seriously, though. It's just..."

Sasuke shrugged.

"It's still on the books, so it's still the law," he said bluntly. "Though perhaps it would have been more correct for me to ask Naruto to arrange a political marriage between myself and Karin."

"What authority would he have to do that?" Karin blurted out.

"Why would you ask ME to do that?" added Naruto.

Sasuke stared at them.

"You're Uzumaki, right?"

Karin and Naruto both nodded, the latter looking a little more confused than the former. Then each of them noticed the other's gesture. Karin's eyes widened.

"Oh, I get it," she said. "He's the oldest known male member of the clan, then? That makes sense."

"What makes sense? Clan?" said Naruto, bewildered. "What clan?"

Karin turned to look at him.

"You said you're an Uzumaki, didn't you?"

"I didn't say it," Naruto said. "But, yeah. I'm Naruto Uzumaki. And your last name is Uzumaki too? Are we related, then?"

Karin stared.

"...oh, hell. You're the oldest known male member of the clan." Her tone was now rather despairing.

"Seriously!" Naruto said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "What clan?!"

Once the necessary explanations about the Uzumaki clan, Naruto and Karin's likely relation, and the concept of primogeniture were out of the way, Sasuke looked once more at the blonde.

"So, Naruto. Would you agree to arrange a political marriage between our clans?" Almost as an afterthought, he added, "You're willing to acknowledge him as your clan leader, right, Karin?"

Karin shrugged hopelessly.

"If it gets me closer to you, Sasuke-kun..." Her expression was not unhappy. "I suppose I can swallow it. And anything else you might want to ram down my throat, too~"

She added this innuendo cheerfully, licking her lips as her glasses fogged up.

"Alright, then," Sasuke said. "So, that settles that."

"THE HELL IT DOES!" Kiba and Suigetsu burst out in unison, both having broadly similar temperaments and feelings about Sasuke, whatever the difference of their morals and affiliations. "Seriously, are we supposed to just take this at face value? I've never heard anything so stupid!"

The two boisterous young men paused and gave each other assessing looks. Then they looked once more at Sasuke.

"I concur," said Shino. "Why? Because Hinata expressed the opinion that this polygamy clause is not observed by village leadership."

"Yes," said Juugo hesitantly. "It does seem a little..."

"I don't have a problem with it," Sakura provided. At the disbelieving looks from the others, she caved and conceded: "Okay, I have loads of problems with it. But I'm kind of desperate here, you know? If marrying Sasuke and... and accepting his arrangement is what it takes to get him to return to Konoha, I can accept it. I'm not a child. I'll do whatever it takes."

"A fine sentiment," Sasuke said. "And you have good a behind, too. Nice hips. You ought to be able to rear plenty of children."

He gave a thumbs up. Sakura blushed at the words, even if the sentiment he expressed was almost comically old fashioned.

She was not displeased.

"What about me, Sasuke-kun?" asked Karin, imploringly wiggling her hips.

A beat.

"...you're willing," said Sasuke bluntly.

"Nngh!❤" Karin nearly doubled over, an expression of perfect bliss on her face. "Sasuke-samaaa...❤"

Suigetsu made a coughing noise that sounded suspiciously like the word masochist.

A/N: I've always, always, ALWAYS been a sucker for harems. They are dumb, unrealistic, and objectifying—but I still love them in all their shallow and idiotic contrivance. I just can't write them seriously. It either has to be smut, or parody—or both.

By necessity of the rating, this fic leans more toward the latter.

Updated: 3-17-17

TTFN and R&R!

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