What It Means To Be Human
CH:1 The Name You Chose
Authors note: I do not own these amazing charters but sometimes it feels like they own me!
I am dyslexic, meaning I use spell check but certain words might be wrong. Please don't hate.
Also I like music and lyrics that go along with the feeling of my stories so If you are so inclined look up and listen to the songs I post at the beginning of chapters before you read. Just a suggestion.
There will be a lot of bro love, hugging and crying in this tale. Be warned!
God, there is gold hidden deep in the ground How we rise when we're born God, give us love in the time that we have God, there are guns growing out of our bones All these men that you made God give us love in the time that we have
God, there's a hangman that wants to come around
like the ravens in the corn
on their wings, on our knees
crawling careless from the sea
God, every road takes us farther from home
how we wither in the shade
of your trees, on your wings
we are carried to the sea
Iron and Wine "On Your Wings"
It had been 3:26 am when Steven Grant Rodgers got the phone call from one Natasha Romanova. The Winter Soldier had been found, brought in by SHEILD after almost 6 months of searching for the allusive ghost of Bucky Barnes. Fury and Hill had agents tracking his path of destruction throughout Europe as he decimated one secret Hydra base after another, leaving behind no witnesses or clues of where he was headed next. Steve and Sam had been on many of those missions, taking in the charred remains of underground bunkers and sifting through what little evidence remained. The Winter Soldier was deadly and efficient, leaving no Hydra agent alive, their corpses stacked neatly in a pile.
Each site brought only more heart ache and pain as the Captain had to swallow down the grief and nausea that griped his stomach every time he laid eyes on yet another dismantled Maintenance chair and Cryo-tank. Reading the KGB files had been hard enough on Steve and left him shaking in a cold sweat more nights then not with Bucky's name trapped in his throat. But to actually look upon the tortuous devices and see how his friend had completely smashed and torn them apart with such violence and rage only confirmed with graphic realness how much Bucky had suffered at the hands of Hydra. There was no question about the Soldier's motivation, clearly making every effort to destroy his former captors and their sadistic methods of control. The realization that Bucky was fighting back against Hydra gave Steve hope but his friend's continued evasion from the man who was desperate to help him was both exasperating and discouraging. Steve had other missions he had to take charge of with the Avengers and so resigned himself to bi-weekly updates from Fury or Hill regarding their progress towards locating his long, lost friend.
The Captain had relocated to New York after the fall of the Helicarriers and with them SHEILD's main base of operations. After much insistence from Stark he had moved into the Avenger's tower, where he was on the fateful night when Natasha had given him the call and so less then an hour later he found himself in a Quinjetwith Sam, Bruce and Tony heading toward Romania. The news of the Winter Soldier's apprehension was not shocking but troubling as he reviewed the reports from SHEILD that had been sent over the last two months. The Winter Soldier had gotten sloppy, more erratic and less thorough, his rage escalating and his judgment less exact. Based on the evidence that was now more obvious and carelessly left behind, The Soldier had been looking for something, something only certain bases of operation had. After further analysis SHEILD had concluded that the Soldier's purpose was to retrieve the nutritional supplements and drugs that his body had become dependent on and was deteriorating without.
The most recent report had been sent only a few days earlier while Steve had been on a mission and had not had time to review the surveillance footage that was sent with it. SHEILD analysis suggested that the Soldier was injured or was otherwise compromised in a way that hindered his ability to function and the video verified exactly why. Steve had gripped his knees white knuckled as he leaned in watching the shaky and damaged tap, the sound and film fading in and out. With a critical eye he watched as The Winter Soldier, dressed in raged civilian cloths, held a Hydra scientist by his throat, metal arm clenching in a vice grip.
" Why can't I ingest nutrition?... Why am I malfunctioning?" His words were growled in harsh Russian, a low, menacing tone that shook with pain. The only answer from the Scientist was a choking gasp as he feebly pawed at the metal fist that had lifted him from the ground. "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME?" His voice cried out, broken and desperate. The Soldier shook on unsteady legs, holding his pray in an unyielding death grip.
Steve grimaced at Bucky's agonized cry that was almost a sob, sounding so like the confused and panicked Soldier he had fought on the Helicarrier all those many months ago. Jarvis translated for the Captain and the others who felt a mix of rage and deep compassion for the suffering vet.
"You require maintenance,….. If you comply we will…"
The Hydra doctor did not finish his bargain as the Winter Soldier screamed in fury and crushed the man's throat before throwing his body at the maintenance chair and stumbling out of the camera frame.
Steve felt him-self taking slow, deep breaths as Sam's hand squeezed his shoulder and Bruce mumbled to Tony about the importance of a toxicology report to assess what methods Hydra had been using to "maintain" their Asset. With a nod and sigh. Tony asked Jarvis to play the next video feed from only a few hours ago when The Soldier was taken by SHEILD into custody.
The film was clearer then the last, showing a tense seen as heavily armed SHEILD agents surrounding the Soldier who was shaking in the corner of a lab, a needle in his metal hand trying to inject it into his flesh arm that was bruised and bleeding from continued clumsily attempts. His eyes had been dilated and unfocused, face covered in sweat and panting, making plaintive growls as the Shield team carefully closed in. There were dead Hydra agents everywhere and a Scientist that was still alive and choking on blood only a few feet away from the obviously unwell Soldier who was desperate to inject him-self rather than escape from SHEILD.
Steve swallowed down his anxiety that twisted in his gut as he watched the surveillance video that Hill had sent them along with the report. The Captain sat ridged on the jet with his team mates, Sam's hand firm on his shoulder as they watched the playback of events. Bucky was in a filthy undershirt and torn jeans twitching and shaking out of his skin like a heroin junkie in the corner of the lab, plunging the large needle into his arm as he made wet, gasping noises of distress, reminding Steve of how he sounded back when Asthma almost killed him. The Avengers watched in concern as a SHEILD agent attempted to speak to the distressed Soldier in Russian as they carefully closed distance, walking around the untouched Maintenance Chair that the Soldier had not yet destroyed. It was painfully obvious that while the Hydra assassin knew he was surrounded, he was unable to focus on the other occupants of the room as he desperately injected himself with a choked cry of agony that softened into gasping breaths of relief before he slumped in the corner, his violent shaking becoming tremors. He did not respond to the advancing agents but simply turned away, curling in on himself in the corner as he protected his head with his metal arm, ready for pain. The last image Steve watched was of the SHEILD agents restraining a disoriented and physically compromised Winter Soldier as they placed his arms in magnetic cuffs while he growled and struggled like a wild, injured beast caught in a snare, repeating a choked cry in Russian over and over before they finally sedated him. Tony had Jarvis translate and the meaning of the strangled cries were both heart breaking and hopeful.
"I will not comply! I will not comply! I will not comply!"
…
The Quinjet had barley lowered the exit ramp as Steve jogged down it with his friends at his side. He was greeted by Natasha who nodded at them shortly, turning on her heal to walk at a brisk pace only a step ahead of the Captain.
"Where is he?... Is he okay? I need to see him Nat!" Steve demanded in quick succession, giving her a pleading look. The Black Widow gave Steve a brief, assessing look before turning back toward the direction they were walking, hitting a series of codes that opened an elevator.
"He's in the med- bay sedated. Fury has the Medical team running tests to see what the hell was in those injections. SHEILD recovered some files and a recent transmission from the previous base he was at 3 days ago…. Apparently Hydra caught on to what their Asset was after before we did." She shrugged as they all stepped inside. "According to the Doctors here, Hydra kept the Soldier,….."
"He has a NAME Natasha!" Steve gritted out in tense frustration. The Widow looked at Steve with hesitation, the others sharing quiet acknowledgement that Steve's connection to this man could prove to be a liability should the Soldier become violent or out of control. They had each discussed this among themselves and Marie Hill had officially debriefed them on the need for potential intervention should the Captain's emotional connection to The Winter Soldier interfere with his own personal safety as well as others. They all knew Steve had dropped his Shield and refused to fight his friend, almost costing him his life. It was something Steve had admitted while still heavily medicated on the day he first opened his eyes in the Hospital all those months ago.
Cautiously, Natasha continued with a calm, deliberate tone.
"Hydra had Sargent Barnes on a liquid supplement diet and a pretty intense regiment of drugs to stabilize and control him. They numbed his nervous system so he wouldn't react during missions to injury and kept his adrenaline racing but then brought him back down with Theorize all while using verbal triggers to jumpstart chemical reactions in his brain to induce different states of consciousness that allowed him to be easily handled." The Widow let out a sigh with a sad nod of sympathy at Steve's anguished expression as he whipped his face in grief. The Widow squeezed his hand before the elevator opened and they stepped out into the hall way.
"Well that's just Lovely! So basically they used drugs and neurological manipulation to program and condition him into obedience?" Stark shook his head, mask open on his suite. "Those Nazis! Always so thorough with their brainwashing."
"Based on his reactions so far I would say fear conditioning was their primary technique in terms of behavioral reinforcement,…. Rewards are not really Hydra's style." Natasha quipped and the matter of fact way she said it made Steve feel sick. For one irrational and emotionally charged moment he wanted to turn on all of them and scream that they were talking about Bucky,… about HIS BUCKY! Not just some random Hydra pon. But to them, The Avengers and SHEILD alike, the man they had detained was The Winter Soldier not Bucky, just like to many of them he was most often thought of as Captain America, not Steve. The Super Soldier swallowed down his impulse to explode at his teammates as they turned yet another corridor when suddenly an alarm sounded and the hall turned green with flood lights.
"Uh oh." Bruce looked around with large eyes as they all tensed, Stark's mask sliding back in place.
"Bucky." Steve let out the name in a panicked whisper before racing forward, the others following as they called out to him, afraid for Steve's well-being. The Captain rounded a corner sharp just as at the other end of the hall way Bucky crashed through some double doors, staggering unsteady and desperate to escape. His eyes were wild and panicked as he pushed away from the wall running despite his shaking legs. The distressed man wore only torn, filthy black boxer briefs that hug low on his hips, his muscular body having suffered from starvation. The Soldier's hair was well past his shoulders, hanging in dirty clumps over his face that was twisted in pain. Steve was frozen in place for a moment, taking in the wretched sight of his best friend and the shock wave it sent through him. The moment was brief however as behind Bucky a troop of SHEILD agents appeared with tranquilizer guns locked and loaded. The Captain took three steps forward, holding up his hand toward the advancing agents just as the Avengers came up short behind him. The Soldier was trapped in the middle, staggering to a halt as he slumped against the wall shaking with growling gasps. A look of fierce determination masked his exhausted features as he struggled to stand up straight, head down and fists clenched.
"Captain Rodgers, Stand down." A Shield Agent spoke as he took a lead position, gun trained on Bucky.
"NO!...Let me handle this! Everyone BACK OFF!...NOW!" The Captain ordered, his voice clear and sharp, commanding with authority that stopped the Avengers and SHIELD Agents alike in their tracks as they watched with uncertainty, eyeing the lethal and volatile Assassin. The Soldier took in a sharp breath and slowly raised his head, crystal blue eyes peering up toward the Captain through a curtain of tangled hair. Steve took three more steps forward while slowly replacing his shield back behind him, hands raised and palms open. Bucky stayed still, unmoving except for the constant tremors that radiated through his body.
"Tony,…..the alarm!" The Captain ordered and with a huff Stark activated a sonic silencer that shut down the siren.
"Hope you know what your doing Cap!" Sam whispered under his breath just behind Steve who gave a small nod. He looked back at the Soldier who stood still in the center of the hall, glazed, dilated eyes struggling to stay focused on Steve as he panted, blinking to clear his distorted vision. The Soldier's tense muscles were spasming slightly as he ignored the cramping pain that coursed through his exhausted body, determined to stay alert.
'It's okay,…. No one here is trying to hurt you,… Your safe!" The Captain spoke in slow, patient words, measured and assessing. The Soldier lifted his head a fraction more as his breathing escalated slightly, eyes growing wide as he blinked rapidly in shock at the familiar man in front of him.
"It's you!" The Soldier rasped out in English as a strong tremor raked through his body, eyes locking with Steve's gaze, piercing and full of turmoil. There was recognition, confusion, anxiety, anger, fear and hope, all pouring out through crystal blue eyes that Steve could read without even trying.
"Do you know who I am?" The Captain asked with deliberate calmness, as he kept his hands up, visible taking yet another step forward and another, slowly closing distance towards the middle of the long corridor. The Soldier was breathing hard, wheezing with obvious pain as he took a tentative step forward, eyes studying Steve's face and uniform with pensive concentration as he bit his chapped bottom lip. His fists clenched and he swallowed before he spoke, head lowered and shoulders hunched, gaze dropping to the floor in submission.
"Steven….. Grant Rodgers….., Code name:… Captain America…. Former commanding officer…. of The Howling Commandos." Bucky's voice was hushed as for a moment his eyes darted toward the Avenger's behind Steve and then over his shoulder toward the several SHEILD agents behind himself, aware that he was surrounded and obviously wary.
"Yes,…. Your right,…." Steve swallowed down the urge to run forward and grab his friend in a desperate hug, aware that despite knowing his name and rank, it did not mean that Bucky really remembered Steve or their many years of friendship. "And do you know who you are?" Steve's voice was almost soft and gentle, reassuring and hopeful as he took another step and was now just out of arm's reach of his trembling friend. He watched Bucky frown at the question and again bite his lip as he looked away and closed his eyes for the briefest moment, wincing in pain before letting out a quiet sigh, eyes down cast.
"I am the Asset,… Hydra Code name: The Winter Soldier,…Commando Code Name: Sargent James Buchanan Barnes, referred to informally as… Bucky?" The Soldier's voice was hushed with uncertainty and trepidation, flinching in remembered pain as he said his own name, as if he knew it was forbidden and would result in punishment. Steve watched his oldest friend intently and felt a wave of heat rise with in him at the broken, fearful way Bucky spoke his own name. The Captain strained to control his emotions, knowing that to become visibly upset would likely reinforce Bucky's negative association with his own identity.
The Captain took a deep breath and tried to keep his expression calm and voice reassuring.
"Your name,… the name your mother and father gave you, is James Buchannan Barnes,….Then you joined the United States Army during the War, and became a Sargent…. But you liked to be called Bucky…. That's the name you chose for yourself." The Captain spoke with wet eyes over a tight lipid smile as he took another step forward and slowly brought his hand up toward his friend, swallowing thickly when Bucky flinched again at the lightest touch of his hand on the metal shoulder. Steve stood completely still with his arm outstretched, hand just barley touching the metal arm.
The Soldier stood completely ridged and tense, breath catching at the contact. He looked down in puzzlement at the hand on his shoulder and then up at Steve, staring imploringly into the Captain's open and honest expression. He was transfixed by the strangely familiar and yet frightenly confusing expression of love and concern that this man, this Captain directed toward him. The Soldier was use to being stared at and touched by Handlers, Hydra agents, Technicians and targets, but never with eyes that shown so brightly with a desire to help and not harm, with hands that were soft and carful. With a shuddered breath he took a step forward, body trembling with fatigue and illness, eyes lost and searching Steve's, wanting so badly to understand even as the very urge to want sent a sharp pang of fear down his spine and his stomach clenched in anxiety.
The Captain let out his own deep sigh of choked emotion, eyes drifting from Bucky's intense stare to take in the battered and abused body of his best friend, pale torso and legs baring faint outlines of painful scars. The tension was building and the Soldier's breathing escalated further as he clenched his fists and fought the urge to strike out and run. After only a moment longer a sudden violent shudder and choked gasp brought Bucky crumbling to the floor panting harder with growled whimpers. Steve reacted quickly, catching Bucky as the man's legs gave out and the two sank to the ground on their knees, the Captain with a strong hand on each of Bucky's biceps. Steve's eyes looked over his unwell friend with deepening concern as he felt the hot feverish skin of Bucky's right arm while the fingers of his other hand automatically came up to trace along the scared flesh of the left shoulder. The Captain swallowed back his grief as he gritted his teeth at the obvious pain and unspeakable suffering Hydra had caused his closest friend.
"Oh Bucky." Steve's voice was a broken whisper as the Soldier hung his head submissively and let out a small whimper. flinching at the feel of the caress on his scared shoulder. He was so tired of fighting, so tired of trying to make sense of the whirlwind of thoughts and feelings that he could hardly understand. His mind felt like quicksand and the memory's that he desperately tried to hold onto caused him tremendous migraines that hammered his fragmented mind both day and night. He was done, sick and tired and completely done. The Asset was ashamed of his weakness and terrified of the consequences but was resigned to his fate, prepared to accept whatever awaited him be it the Chair and Cryofreeze or first and more likely, punishment for his ongoing disobedience. He had been captured by SHEILD and SHEILD was Hydra, and Hydra was order through pain.
However, there was one possibility, all through that seemed like a desperate hope he could hardly fathom. Perhaps the Captain, Captain America,…. Steve,…. would take him back. He knew him, more than he had ever known anyone and in a way that was so different from every other thing he knew. Steve's presence was automatically calming and yet invoked a painful longing in his chest that he had no name for. He realized that it had been there all along but now, once more face to face with Steve, it felt so much stronger. It was as if the Captain was a magnet, pulling the Soldier in with such intense force that he could hardly keep himself from diving forward into the man's chest and pressing himself against him.
The Soldier let out another shuddered breath at the too gentle caress on his sensitive, scared shoulder and made himself think despite the fog of exhaustion and illness that was threatening to pull him under. If he submitted to this man, acknowledged him once more as his superior officer and Handler, then maybe he could avoid being decommissioned, and any punishment was bound to be shorter and less debilitating then his current physical and psychological agony.
"Captain,…" The Soldier's voice was a timid, rasping breath as he slowly raised his eyes, peering up at Steve with hesitation and apprehension, bottom lip trembling. Steve brought his right hand up to cup Bucky's face, eyes soft and wanting so much to heal his broken brother in arms. With a look of fragile hope, the Soldier pressed his dirt smeared cheek into Steve's open palm, shuddering at the strange warmth and comfort that the sensation brought. He swallowed as he looked up at Steve, eyes not quiet on his face but in that direction. With desperate need, he spoke, his words delivered with a sigh of relief. "Ya gotov otvechat." I am ready to Comply.
Note: Okay yall, this is a long fic and completely written. I will post chapters as I edit them so you won't have to wait too long. This is non- slash but HEAVY on the brotherly love and Team as Family dynamic! All mentions of Hydra abuse will be referenced and not too graphic. There will be one chapter with a warning on it through for reference to Hydra Trash party. But the hurt is only because I love the comfort so! Review if you like it because I love hearing your thoughts!