Breakthrough

Chapter 1

...

There was a whisper of rain on the wind blowing through the aspens, the yellow leaves shaking free to flutter down and come to rest in an abstract pattern on the damp dark wood of the deck. He couldn't take his eyes off them, searching them as if reading tea leaves and crazily hoping they might give direction to his uncertain thoughts. The deck was made up of old barn wood Elan had traded for, the roof over it unfinished, the ribs of the honey-colored framework warm against the overcast morning sky. Elan and Soldier had broken off work on it late yesterday when the storm swept in, the sawdust from their work now sluicing down between the boards of the deck. He rubbed the bottom of his fist across the condensation clouding the windowpane, his eyes following Kensi as she hurried into the barn, rainwater dripping from the wide brimmed black hat George had given her to celebrate her graduation from physical therapy.

"They're gonna turn that window into something called a French door," George said from behind him. "Elan said he saw one in Roy's old plantation. Thinks that new porch will give Joe and Diane a little more space and privacy when they get back."

He could think of nothing to say to that, his mind returning to earlier thoughts about the past week and the decisions made.

"Glad you decided to stay on, son," George said softly as he came up beside him. "I know you came back to try and change Joe's mind..."

"I came for Thanksgiving," he said quickly, trying to keep the sadness at bay.

"Talk to me, Marty," George urged quietly, his voice reaching deep into his soul, pulling at the truth.

"He doesn't understand how much I'll miss him," was all he could think to say.

"Yes he does, son. He just wants you to understand why he's doing this."

"I do understand," his voice louder than he intended.

George ran his big hand up his back, gently squeezing his shoulder before letting out a long sigh.

"He wants your blessing."

"Then why didn't he stay and ask for it?"

"Now you're just being contrary," George said, laughing softly.

"He didn't have to hand in his resignation in person," Deeks said stubbornly.

"It's a big move for him, son. He needs to say his goodbyes and make peace with what the FBI did to him."

"Making peace is a ways off," he relied, his anger stirring once again. "They labeled him a traitor. They allowed his wife and son to be terrorized instead of believing in him. They didn't have his back, George, and don't tell me you're not still pissed about it."

"Not so much since he knocked Agent Slater on his ass after the awards ceremony at the bureau," George replied gruffly through a slight smile. "He earned that suspension they gave him, not that it will matter now."

"We didn't even try to pull him off," Deeks said with a tentative grin. "Sonofabitch had it coming. I warned Slater not to ever be in the same room with Joe. The prick should've listened."

They stayed silent while memories replaced conversation. After the meeting at the White House, the bureau had held its own ceremony, awarding Joe with a commendation for what he had done. He'd grudgingly accepted it, but had only agreed to come so he could tell the assemblage of FBI brass and bureaucrats about Oscar Doucet's sacrifice. His own, he'd shrugged off when asked to talk about it.

"Coming back here is the right thing for him and I think you know that," George said.

"And for you?"

"No surprise there, son. I'm getting old," George said softly. "The work's not as easy as it used to be."

Deeks felt his heart tighten at his words. "You're scaring me right now."

George nodded and continued to stare out the window. Deeks began to look closely at him, searching for signs of illness.

"There's nothing physically wrong with me, son, if that's what you're thinking," he said, patting him gently on the back. "I ain't dying, so breathe."

Deeks felt a sudden weakness in his knees as he let out a shaky breath. The thought of losing George was too hard to even think about.

"You never met Joe's brother Chris, but we had plans for when he came home from Iraq," George said wistfully. "He was always good with horses. Had a real breeder's instinct. We would have worked this place together. Not sure Joe has that same feel or really wants to breed horses. He just needs to find out what he wants to do next and being here will give him a safe haven to do that."

"I want him to be happy again," Deeks said.

"Funny. That's what he said about you before he left."

"Some of what happened I just can't shake," Deeks acknowledged.

"You doubting yourself like the old days?"

"What is it about me that draws monsters?" Deeks murmured as if he were afraid to fully voice his thoughts.

"Did you ever think it might be the good in you they see?" George asked. "I think it's what Jürgen wanted to destroy."

Deeks looked up at him, the comment causing him to shake his head with long held doubt.

"Guidry wanted to see himself...and maybe he did."

"You don't really believe that, son."

"People see what they want to see, and my alias made it easy for Guidry. Jimmy Hale came from somewhere deep inside of me, George. That's tough to live with."

"Don't let either man make you critical of yourself, Marty," George demanded softly with a touch of anger. "Who or what they thought you were is not who you really are. You touched something in each one of those sick bastards that made them aware of something they were missing. Men don't like to be reminded of what they've become."

Deeks turned back to stare once again at the scattered aspen leaves and wondered what he had become in the swamps of Louisiana.

"Listen to me, son. Guidry saw something in you he'd lost a long time ago. He'd been dying inside for most of his life and at the end, when he realized you weren't the man he needed you to be, he lost hope. There was no place to run to...nowhere else to go to find redemption. You were his last hope and he knew that. So he gave up. He was ready to die, son. You're not."

Deeks was quiet for a moment as George's words settled deep inside. They had stirred something within him, the memories of his last moments with Guidry flitting through his mind, but he resisted the urge to closely examine them once again. He blew out a long breath, letting go of long held feelings and an alias he just as soon never use again. It was if a weight had been lifted off his chest and he closed his eyes as George gripped his shoulder.

"Don't let him control you, son," George continued softly. "He's been in your head long enough. Leave him to hell where he belongs."

When he looked back out the window he saw Kensi lead an Appaloosa out of the barn and mount up. George noticed her too and grunted.

"You gonna stand here talking to me about a dead man, or are you gonna find out where that sweetheart of a girl of yours is going?" George asked with a smile. "Get on with livin', son. Guidry's the past. She's your future."

Deeks smiled, tentatively at first, but it widened when he saw Kensi urge her horse into a full out gallop, her body bent forward over the animal's neck. He suddenly wanted to race with her, to charge into the future with her beside him.

"You're still here, son."

He laughed and slapped George on the arm as he turned and quickly hurried from the room. He paused only briefly to grab his coat and well-worn Stetson before slamming out the door of the kitchen, startling a couple of the horses feeding on the last of the hay he'd tossed to them earlier that morning. He jogged toward the barn, turning to see which way Kensi was heading before he went inside. She was already to the creek, but she pulled up and swung her horse back around as if looking for him and he lifted his hat and waved it at her. She raised her hand in response before pointing up toward Elan's place. He felt his heart suddenly surge and adrenaline electrified him. He was no longer afraid of the past or of the future and hurried inside to saddle his mare Sheila, who was already kicking the door of her stall. By the time he had saddled her and led her from the barn, Kensi was gone and his breath caught. He felt the cold then, as if there were no sunshine in the world without her. Leaping onto his mare, he kicked her into a loping stride and then into a headlong rush to get to the woman he now knew he needed to fill what was missing in his soul.

Sheila charged across the creek in three long strides, seemingly as anxious as he was. The mare groaned as the trail steepened, her complaint making him huff out a laugh. As they clamored up to the top of the first ridge, a crack of brilliant sunlight appeared, lighting up the hills in front of him. He caught a glimpse of Kensi as she guided her horse over a low rise and then disappeared, and he wondered if she was making a game out of this. Hide and seek on horseback. It made him laugh and it made him feel alive.

"Come on, Sheila girl. Show me you still got some life in those old legs of yours," he said as he urged her along the top of the ridge. "Can't let my ladybird get away."

The clouds continued to break apart, billowing into big white thunderheads scudding slowly across the sky like old-time sailing ships. Warm light from the morning sun caused the grasses to shimmer with the remains of the rainstorm, and layers of mist drifted over rivulets of runoff, the water making its own music as it rushed down through the gullies.

Her trail was easy to follow and he realized she wasn't headed for Elan's after all, even though a ribbon of smoke from his chimney was visible just over the series of small hills that protected his little valley. He pulled his mare up and scanned the horizon for her, and then realized where she was headed and it brought up an array of conflicting emotions.

The overlook up ahead had been the place where he and the men who'd become his brothers had met to thrash out the horrors of what they'd experienced on their last assignment. The massive outcrop of rock had towered over the four of them as they'd released their pain, yelling out their anger until there was nothing left but regret and tears. Finally, it had become a place of reconciliation and ultimately of healing. It was where Joe had convinced him that he held no grudge against him, but revealing that his time spent in the swamps had changed him and that he no longer wanted to be an agent with the FBI. That had brought silence to them all, with understanding from the others, but not from him. He had found himself fighting Joe's decision, and now realized he was being selfish, feeling the need to keep him close, not wanting him to move way out here to Wyoming where he would only be able to see him a few times a year.

A future without Joe close by would change things for him and he wasn't overly fond of that change. Callen had noticed his disappointment and called him on it just before he flew home, asking if he considered him "chopped liver" as he'd put it, reminding him he was his brother too, someone he would see and work with every day. The two of them had forged a closeness during their time under Guidry's barbarous control. Their deep bond remained one of the best things that had come out of the whole assignment, other than finding Joe and the 'saving the country' part. His future was going to be different now and there was one part that was missing, and he intended to change that.

The sun broke from behind a dark cloud and blinded him briefly, so he settled his hat down low over his eyes and pulled Sheila's head up from grazing.

"Come on, girl. We don't want to lose her."

Moist air lingered from the rainstorm and the ground was slippery with mud as he urged his mare up the hill to the overlook. When he caught sight of Kensi's singular form silhouetted against the skyline, he pulled up just to watch. She had pulled her fleece-lined parka tightly around herself, and her hat now hung down behind her back, her dark hair loose and longer than she usually kept it. The softblowing wind caused it to tumble around her shoulders and she absently brushed a strand away from her face as she stared out across the valley below. She was beautiful. She had always been, but today her beauty struck him forcefully, because it wasn't just her physical beauty that held him, but her vibrant strength and bravery as she faced the world. She was his lodestone. He could only hope that he was hers. George was right. She was his future and he had been stubbornly blind not to have acted upon it sooner, fighting against her pull on him for far too long.

He walked Sheila up the last rise of the hill and her horse huffed out a greeting, causing her to turn. She was laughing.

"I win," she called out.

"Don't you always?" He replied, unable to keep from smiling.

He dismounted and trudged up to greet her with a light kiss, taking her hands in his and staring at her long fingers. There had been tension between them before the undercover assignment to find Joe, and he wasn't sure some of that uneasiness didn't still linger with her. For some reason he was having a hard time formulating what he wanted to say and his smile slowly faded.

"What?" She asked, squeezing his fingers and making him look up into her eyes. "Don't tell me you're actually speechless. That would be a first."

"Yeah, no...I guess I am having trouble finding the words to express everything I'm feeling right now."

She looked confused and wary and stepped away from him, dropping his hands as she turned to look out over the ranch. "Does that mean you're unsure how you feel about me now?"

"No...But sometimes words aren't enough."

"They are if they're the right words."

"I'm an idiot, Kens."

"You chased me all the way up here to tell me something I already know?" Her laugh made him smile.

"Touché."

"What's wrong, Deeks? What are you afraid to say?"

"I'm afraid I've lost you," he replied in a choked voice. "And if I have it's because I let you slip through my fingers when I wasn't looking...too stupid to realize there was nothing to be afraid of except you saying no."

"No to what?" Her voice was hesitant and her eyes wide and hopeful.

"I love you, Kens."

"I know."

Both of them sounded breathless as they covered well-trodden ground. A soft gust of wind carried the sharp scent of pine and the comforting smell of wet earth, clearing his head and making him look past her to the rolling hills and the ranch that sat in the valley far below them. Another world. A world he knew nothing about just four short years ago. Now he couldn't picture his life without the world he'd found here. A wide smile came without warning and he felt exhilarated as if there was another world that was new and fresh and waiting just for them. All he had to do was reach for it.

"I want you to be my wife, Kensi," he said, tears clouding his eyes. "Do you love me enough to want that too? Or are you still weighing your options?"

She started to say something, her eyes glistening with barely held tears that she wiped at with her slender fingers. Closing her eyes, she began to laugh softly and he wasn't sure what that meant, but he moved closer and reached for her hand. She ignored it and stepped in closer and placed both of her hands on his chest, leaning up to kiss him softly on the mouth.

"Loving you is not an option, Deeks. It never has been. I've loved you for a very long time," she whispered against his lips. "And I've been waiting for this moment for a long time too."

"Good to know."

"But, I need to know something. Why now?" She asked. "What's changed?"

"I lost myself in that swamp, Kens. At times I disappeared completely into that alias. But it was still me, if that makes any sense. I saw something in myself out there that I didn't want to admit was there. Still don't. Guidry saw it and was drawn to it and I still haven't come to terms with that. I want...I need to leave that time behind me, Kens. I need to find my true self again, and with you I think I can." He offered.

"I'm here for you, baby. I always have been."

The honesty in her eyes gave him renewed strength, and he rubbed his thumb across her cheek and kissed her gently on the lips.

"There were so many times I thought I would be killed, and the only thing I regretted in my life was not marrying you."

"That wasn't the first time you almost died," she responded, watching him carefully.

"Call me a slow learner," he grinned sheepishly, until she turned away. "Kens, please...I'm not sure why this assignment changed things for me. Maybe Joe's decision has something to do with it. He isn't afraid to make a change. Or maybe I'm afraid I'll end up all alone in the darkness like Guidry. That day I got back and saw you...Jimmy Hale just disappeared. You bring out the good in me, Kens. I love you, and I'm tired of this endless game we've been playing. I don't want to just play at life anymore. It's too short. I want to wade into the deep end with you and see where life takes us...and I hope you feel the same way. If not..."

She put the tips of her fingers over his lips to silence him and he saw that she was crying. "All you had to do was ask."

"I'm asking."

"And I'm saying yes."

His laugh was deep and filled with relief and joy, and hers was soft and intimate, and both were brief, their smiles disappearing as they searched each other's eyes, both knowing there were still differences they had to overcome. He no longer cared. Their world could change without warning. He had seen that when she had disappeared in a pile of exploded rubble, practically tearing his heart out. Their lives were always in danger, and they both had come close to death, but none of that mattered if they could face all of it together for as long as they were given. Together they were strong and their embrace seemed to mirror that knowledge and they clung to each other, their bodies losing the tension they'd been living with for the past four months.

"Are we crazy?" She asked.

"Probably. But, it's a good crazy," he laughed. "I've lived through bad crazy and this...us committing to one another forever just seems right."

"But..."

"Shhh. No 'buts' today, Sunshine," he said softly and kissed her deeply, pulling her tightly to him. "Today there are no questions...no problems...no arguments...no differences to work out...just us...alone on a mountaintop looking to the future."

"I was going to ask if you planned on giving me a ring." There was a teasing lilt in her voice, but a hopeful look in her eyes that made him laugh. "Don't laugh. It's tradition."

"Thought you might like to pick one out yourself," he replied softly.

Her arms tightened around him and he felt a deep sense of contentment, finding it hard to keep from smiling. He wondered why he had resisted this moment for so long, but he let that regret fade as he held her.

"You told me once you wanted to get married here at the ranch," she said quietly against his chest.

"Yeah, I did," he replied, his mind flooding with memories of Joe and Diane's wedding by the creek. "But now it doesn't matter where we get married. You decide."

"And you'll go along with anything I want?" She asked, sounding scarily conspiratorial.

"Yeah, no...of course." Wondering what he had just agreed to.

"You sure?"

"Okay, Kens. What exactly did you have in mind?" He asked, stepping back to look at her, trying to look stern until he broke into a crooked grin. "What? A ginormous church wedding? The Marine's Drum and Bugle Corp...or maybe...The Mormon Tabernacle Choir? You want the Pope to marry us on the steps of the Vatican? Or maybe Hetty presiding on the flight deck of an aircraft carrier? I wouldn't be surprised if she's certified to do that, by the way. She's probably a Shaolin monk or something. Whoever, whatever or wherever, Sunshine...I'm there."

"We've got time to plan," She replied as she gently ran her hand up his cheek and into his hair.

"Yeah..." his voice breaking at the thought, suddenly becoming worried that if they waited something might happen.

"Deeks?"

The urgency in her voice snapped him out of his dark thoughts, and he looked up at her. She seemed to understand where his mind had gone and she kissed him, holding his face in her hands when she was finished.

"Nothing is going to happen. Nothing is going to stop us. Nothing. We're doing this, partner. Believe me when I tell you that nothing and nobody is going to keep us from getting married."

That determination he saw everyday on the job flashed in her eyes, her voice strong and firm, and he started to smile.

"You're not planning on carrying a gun at our wedding are you? Cause as hot as that sounds...I think there are rules against that."

"Nobody would be able to see it."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, you're right. We'll just invite the tactical squad."

"In full gear with NCIS emblazoned across their chest? Very romantic."

"You did say anything I wanted," she replied lightly. "They can be the ushers."

"Now you're just scaring me."

"Come on, baby. Let's go tell everybody before you change your mind," she said as she took his hand.

He pulled her to a stop and stepped in to hold her close. "That won't happen, Kens."

She must have seen the truth in his expression because her face softened and became serene, her smile brilliant and breathtaking. Her happiness warmed him and in that moment he found the peace he'd been seeking.

...

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