...

Chapter 1

It was too chilly to move out in January, too slippery and too uncomfortable for his taste, though not like he had a choice.

Tanaka mentally checked if he forgot anything before locking his former apartment's door. He studied the living room one last time merely because he would be too lazy to come back again if he forgot anything. The space was cleared except from that dark blue love seat Rino gave him two years ago. It was too big for his car, too sturdy to sleep in and he never liked that couch anyway. That included the lampshade Katou gave him in Christmas and the painting Shimura gave him a couple of months after his separation. The fish bowl took too much space in his car but he couldn't leave it—wouldn't. His clothes were on the backseat of his car. He left his bed, the bedside table, and the closet. It drained him just seeing them. He had to remember to sell it. Moving out is bothersome but it would be too exhausting to prove his point to his landlady. When she said he should move out because he's a couple months late of paying already, he agreed without an argument. It was the easy way anyhow. Though he didn't predict that moving out is much more troublesome above anything.

'If Oota were only here everything would be easy.' He can't help but think to himself as he walked towards the parking lot. It was the beginning of the year and Echizen would kill him if Oota missed spending the New Year with his two kids so he resisted calling his best friend and packed his own things with a frustrated sigh. He was tired of hearing Echizen rant that he was '30-years-old' already and should get a stable life on his own anyway.

Tanaka's phone rang and snap him back from his musings. He forgot where he put his phone and it took him a minute before he could answer it, but by then the phone had stopped ringing and he shrugged it off and put it back to his pocket. When it rang again, he had loaded all of his things on the backseat. He sighed harshly and was planning of not answering it for a second time, but after a while it rang again, and he answered it with the intention of crushing the screen.

"What?" was the way he answered.

"Is this Mr. Tanaka?" He didn't know the woman's voice at the other end of the line. He checked the caller I.D. It was unregistered.

"Yes, Tanaka speaking. Who is this?"

"Do you know Ms. Shiraishi? Your number is in her contact I.D." The woman said and a sudden electric fear ran down his spine, but he ignored it, tries to assure himself that maybe Shiraishi just lost her I.D. or something though it would be pretty unusual for her.

"I'm sorry to tell you but Ms. Shiraishi has been in an accident."

"What?" The word was a whisper, as sudden fear clutched his throat and held it. "Is she alive?"

"Yes, but she was unconscious on the way to Kitahara General Hospital. She was very seriously hurt." Oh God. . . Oh God. . What does 'very seriously' mean? How bad is that? Is she okay? Will she live? How hurt is she?

"What happened?" His hand trembled and he had to remember to breathe.

"A head-on collision on the Hachioji Sta. North. She was hit by an oncoming southbound vehicle on her way to the hospital."

"Okay. . . I'll come . . . thank you. . ." He hung up without saying no more, jumped into the car, and a moment later he shot out of the parking lot. He tried to talk to himself all the way, telling himself to say calm, to breathe, alternately reassuring himself that Shiraishi would be okay, and begging God that she would be.

...

Shiraishi would smooth his hair away from his face and quietly say good morning.

Strangely even though he was a deep sleeper, Tanaka would wake, his eyelids fluttering gently and she would smile slowly, leaning close to him to offer him a kiss in the forehead.

...

Tanaka lost his job again.

Even throughout the day, Tanaka had held his temper, rigidly controlling himself until his head was throbbing and his stomach burning. He packed his things and left the office without talking to anyone. He remained calm even when he entered the bus. Not even during the jolting ride in a succession of crowded buses had he allowed his control to crack. All day long he had forced himself to stay calm despite the pent-up frustration and rage that filled him, and now he felt as if he couldn't relax his own mental restraints. He just wanted to be alone.

When he got home, it was already late and Shiraishi was already sleeping.

Shiraishi stirred for a moment as Tanaka stroke her head and then her cheek and then she opened an eye and looked at him. "Tanaka?" She whispered sleepily and then sat up quickly. "Tanaka? What is it? Is everything okay?"

"I'm sleepy." She smiled and pulled back the covers.

"Tired?" He snuggled into her arms as she whispered. "You ought to get some sleep. You're going to be exhausted tomorrow."

"I don't want to." She began to stroke his hair.

"You can't sleep?"

"I . . ." He nodded no, and then there's a clog in his throat again, and suddenly he can't talk. He took a deep breath. "I . . . wanted you to know . . ." He couldn't say the words. This has been the third time he lost his job and it hit deep and hard, and he felt really useless. "Shiraishi. . ."

He moistened his dry lips. "I lost my job again."

"I'm sorry."

"I did my best."

"We all do."

"Is my effort in vain?" His gaze started to blur and he pulled away from her embrace to look at her.

Her voice was thick when she answered. "No, Tanaka. "

"Next time i'll be better and stronger. I'll find a better job. . ." He was afraid to look at her eyes. "Will you still stay?"

She pulled him into a tight embrace. "Of course."

...

Shiraishi bought a goldfish even though he was against it.

He ignored her when she refused to take the goldfish back to the store. She didn't talk nor look at him when he drives them home. They ate dinner in silence. He watched TV while she clean the dishes. He lay awake on their bed, facing the wall, away from her side as she took a quick shower in the bathroom.

After an hour Shiraishi had gone to bed and turned the lights off, he was still wide awake. He was not used to facing the wall. He always like to face Shirashi; to wake up and see her face, watch her breathing and tug her hair softly, see her open her eyes. He shifted uncomfortably. Maybe he should just slept on the couch.

"Tanaka?" She whispered. He could feel her hot breath near his neck and it sent a few shivers down his spine. She places a palm against his back and presses closer. "Are you still awake?" If he was not, he would be by now.

"Yeah." He manage to choke out clearly without embarrassing himself.

Shiraishi sighed and he can feel her scooting closer until her cheek presses on his back. Her right hand tugs his white shirt absent-mindedly. Tanaka tried to focus on the wall in front of him. "Not tired?"

"Same goes." They both needed to wake up early tomorrow but that seems like a wishful thought. He took a deep breath. He just had to get this over with. "Are you still upset?"

"No." She said, her voice is lenient and flat.

Tanaka waited.

"Do you hate the goldfish so much?"

"No. I just don't like pets."

"Why?"

"We had a puppy once. It died."

A long silence followed. Tanaka thought Shiraishi was already asleep, and was planning to sleep as well, when she spoke again.

"Tanaka?"

"Yeah?" He answered drowsily, his mind half asleep already.

"Do you want me to move out?"

"What?" She didn't replied right away and he started to panicked. "Shiraishi?" He wanted to turn and look at her face but afraid of what he might see there.

"It's just—" She sighed and tugged harder at his shirt. Her voice dropped. "I didn't consider your feelings. Are you mad? You're mad, aren't you? I'm sorry."

"I'm not." He said, his voice softer. And he realizes it was the truth. Maybe a bit miffed, but not mad. And never to Shiraishi.

"Maybe this isn't working."

"How can you say that?"

"Maybe you need someone more considerate than me." There. That stupid sniffles he always thought sound adorably cute came. Relief came like a tidal wave. He smiled like an idiot and shifted to face her. She was covering her mouth, trying not to let the endearing sound of her sobs came out.

"Are you crying?" He asked her because it was obvious. She shook her head.

"No. I'm not."

"Really?"

Another sniffles. "No."

He reached out and tugged her sideburns, he wanted to do that all day. "Are you sure? I thought I heard something strange coming out from your way. It sounded awfully seducing. Like an old man sneezing his heart out."

She snorts, a half-laugh, half-sob. That too, is charming. "Shut up."

He pulled her hand away from her mouth, intertwine it with his, and leans in to kiss her lips softly because he wanted to do that all day too, and tasted salt. His heart ached. "Shiraishi. You can keep the goldfish. Just please don't cry."

Shiraishi had set the fishbowl on their window the next day and it wasn't as bad as he think it would be. In fact, the fish was relaxing to see, one he'd been comfortable to watch every time he's bored.

...

"Congratulations on your wedding!" Miyano gushed and hugged Echizen once again.

Tanaka didn't really expect to enjoy the ceremony, he viewed it as the scary, serious legal bit to get over with. A few people had told him the ceremony would be long and boring but to his surprise, It's a beautiful fun ceremony until the end. Oota and Echizen walked down the aisle together to the atmospheric and sweet song of Westlife: Beautiful in White. Shiraishi and Tanaka had been the one in charge to choose the song. When Echizen started crying as soon as she recognized it, Tanaka and Shiraishi knew they'd got it right. Entering the room together was an inexplicably controversial decision but Echizen insist and said she wouldn't trade anything for the three minutes and forty seven seconds that both her and Oota spend, standing outside the door to the ceremony room waiting for the right point in in the track to make their entrance. In that private moment with each other, the tingles of anticipation that Oota and Echizen both felt, the excitement and their emotions bubbling over, it was almost radiating that Tanaka really had no choice but to stay awake for the whole process and if he were honest, feel a bit jealous of them.

After the ceremony they had champagnes and cakes and they celebrated. Oota and Echizen had their photos taken under the York & Albany awning rather than in the daffodil strewn Regents Park as planned, what with it snowing all day in their supposed spring wedding. In the evening they had cocktails followed by dinner around one long table for twenty six of their closest friends and family.

When he saw a pink oriental poppy, he picked it up and called Shiraishi over. "Goes with your outfit," he told her, then gently tuck her hair and the flower behind her ears.

She was going to cry. Shiraishi felt the tears well up. It was only a little flower, she knew. But as symbols went, it was the best, and she been secretly jealous of Echizen marrying that now she didn't know what to say.

"Thanks," She managed, then excused herself before she threw her arms around him and cries.

He nodded, trying not to show the awkwardness he was suddenly feeling. How did a man deal with a woman who cried over a single flower? He'd expected her to laugh. He reminded himself that she rarely did the expected.

"My only regret is that I couldn't have all of my friends there and it felt a little like half of them were missing." Oota shared when finally he and Tanaka had a chance to talk with each other.

"It's still fun though." Tanaka remembered how Shiraishi and Miyano cheered when Shiraishi caught the bride's bouquet. And the flower that he gave her looks great in her. Seeing his distant dreamy smile, Oota grinned.

"So, when will you propose to Shiraishi?" Oota asked and his smile disappears. Both Miyano and Echizen had been bugging him since Oota proposed, even Rino asked him and he didn't even know why it pisses him off. Shiraishi and Tanaka had been dating for six years now, and their relationship was solid he didn't really want it to change. In fact, they hadn't talked about it yet, but it had crossed his mind. There was time. There was no need for them to do anything in a hurry. They were enjoying what they had.

He looked over to see Shiraishi, she was laughing with Shimura and Katou and as if sensing his stare, she looked at his way and then she smiled, stops. She stares at him and then mouthed 'Are you okay?' because she had read the unseen frown in his face. He gave her a relax nod of his head and she nod back, smiles brighter. He can't even remember what it's like before her and he didn't even know how they got here but maybe that's exactly what he needed. He wouldn't exchange what they had for that selfish need though.

"So what's your plan after this. . ?" Tanaka asked instead, avoiding the subject.

...

"I'm leaving tomorrow." She looked up at him as he stared at her with surprise over dinner one Sunday night. He felt the panic building, a black heat that bubbled from his stomach crawling its way to his heart. He swallowed once, twice. Shiraishi stares at him patiently. She lost her red glasses she always wore on a seminar in college and seeing how upset she was, he had brought her a new red one without really thinking about it. Shiraishi smiles then, it seems she always do, but there was a special smile just for him that make his heart throb, that makes every unanswered questions on his head answered. He took a deep breath.

"Okay." He wasn't sure if she heard him but it didn't matter. It was not okay. Everything is not okay. Why aren't they talking about it? The words began moving their way up to his lips but it was too heavy, too hard to say it. He bit the inside of his cheek. The metallic taste of blood is strange yet comforting. Shiraishi frowned and reach up to touch his cheek with her fingertips. It felt like butterflies.

"Don't." She whispered. He unclenched his jaw and she stared at him with eyes that could burn holes in his soul. There was never in between with her, never a half. She loves deep and goes too far, too hard, with all of herself, or not one bit because anything less feels nothing at all. She's vulnerable, honest and real and his. And now she wasn't anymore and he can't even beg her to stay.

Shiraishi pulled away, stood up and took their plates away. He watched her load the dishwasher. At twenty-nine, she was promising in medical field, and appropriately admired and acknowledged by her peers. Between her patients, the free consulting she did in weekends, helping Oota and Echizen in their bakery whenever she can, and Tanaka, her days and calendar were filled. She was always incredibly diligent about spending time with him, trying to balance her family responsibilities and her work. But it never work out. At first it did, but after losing his job for the fifth time, Shiraishi had to work harder than before to pay the bills. The failure gave a bitter taste in Tanaka's mouth and it took him two years to encourage himself to get a job again. The time with Shiraishi suffered, and it became less and less until he didn't know if they shared the same house anymore.

He followed her and sat down at the breakfast bar, thrumming his fingers on the table. The counter was clean and cold. Shiraishi started cleaning the stove quietly. She was wearing pajama pants and a white long sleeved polo shirt that makes her look so young and feminine. Her hair is pulled on a loose messy bun at the top of her head. Some strawberry brown strands of hair escape to frame her face. He resist tugging it like he always do whenever he wanted her to pay attention to him.

I'll change. Don't leave me. Can we please talk this through? Instead what came out is, "Do you need help?"

She looked back at him. A quick small smile. "It's okay. You can go to sleep first." It was her usual reply but then it wasn't. A lump started to form on his throat. He nodded instead of bidding her goodnight.

Shiraishi's things are packed and ready in the hallway. It was one of the things that kept him awake that night. He wasn't sure if he was just not tired or just too sad to sleep. In moments like this, he would ask Shirashi to read him some story. Shiraishi loves to read and her voice is relaxing and he would play with her hair as she read her book out loud for him. That was a long time ago and this is now, and he opens his eyes and shifted to face Shiraishi's side to watch her sleep one last time and was surprise to see that she was wide-awake too. Her eyes met his. She wasn't crying but her eyes is glacial, and her eyes looks like scarlet gems, shining and beautiful but impenetrable.

He reached out to her.

Tanaka tucks Shiraishi's hair behind her ears and her eyes softened but neither of them said a word.

She pauses for a minute, stares at his face with that unreadable expression on her face. He remembered how he was always waken by the sound of her cooking every morning, remembered the first time they shared a house, the first time they do laundry together with Shiraishi patiently teaching him how to wash his clothes properly. Recalled their first date where Shiraishi was too flustered to speak and he warms her hand with his own because she forgot to wear gloves. He recollect their first dance, their first fight, their first kiss and he began to play at the ends of her hair, realizing how much he treasures her, but it was already too late, when suddenly she hovered over him as he stares, straddled him, lean forward and devoured his mouth.

It took him completely by surprise, confused, but he was quick to respond nonetheless. He grabbed her waist and turned them over, ripping a gasp from her as her head fell back, and her hair tumbled. He gave her a long heady kiss, his remorse, hurt and temper flavoring the kiss and he became intoxicated immediately. Every time they did this there are never softness between them, never gentleness. When she was panting his name and her hands were on him, he forget he wanted the soft and sweet, forgot he wanted the listless and the leisure. It was as if in each other's rawness they can dig deeper to find scars to heal and hearts to kiss. He kissed her throat and he drowns in the smell of lilac and cinnamon. He closes his eyes and tries to seal the memory.

She fisted a hand in his hair and dragged his mouth back to hers. She used her teeth, gnawing restlessly at his lips, he gasps and she covered his mouth with hers in a hot, hungry kiss.

She kissed him with desperation, with earnestness that left him breathless. She kissed his cheekbone from nose to temple, kissed his jaw from ear to chin to his throat, she was kissing him like she wanted to memorize every part of him, like he was something she needs to live; and he took her face and kissed her deeply, desperate as well, trying to breathe the same air as her, trying to say things he hadn't said. I'll do anything for you. Don't leave. I'll keep my promises. I'm sorry. He kissed her bare shoulders, her collarbone, touched her face, feeling the smoothness of her cheeks, the wet of her tears, feeling the tremors passing through her body, hearing her ragged breathing. Each kiss is right yet felt so wrong, he only know this when she slows, drawing it out, letting him taste regret, letting things linger. It answers his words. I loved you and you loved me but it was never that simple, never enough.

Their clothes tossed and forgotten, he clamped her hands on either side of her head. She looks up at him as he hovered over her. He wished he could explain her eyes, the way it runs deep as if it was a well that has no end, or how just the sound of her voice moaning his name can drive him insane, had him ready to beg. He wished she knew when she reaches out and touches his cheek, his heart skips a bit. He pulls away and watch her come back for air. He pauses and watch her breathe, enthralled, mesmerized, and for the first time, he leans in slowly, kissed her lips softly.

She opened her eyes, surprised. Their eyes met. Her lips parted, was about to ask why, but he stops her with the same kiss. It was slow and soft, comforting in ways that words would never be. So faint, they were whispers. He kissed her lips gently once more but she remain motionless so he stops. The rejection hit hard and fast, a lump started to form on his throat. Nonetheless when he was a breath away already, Shiraishi took his face and kiss his lips as softly as he did. The kiss is shy and soft and had took his breath away. It surprises him to realize how much he wanted her, her mistakes, her flaws, her jokes, her giggles, her sarcasm, all of her, and he would never see her again and his kisses deepened, turns desperate. He kissed her skin, her lips, all of her until he couldn't get enough and her arms snake up and lanced around his neck, burying themselves in his hair, pulling him impossibly closer. Her legs wrapped around his waist, and he plunged into her, and she cried, bit his shoulder. She asks for more, apologizes, curses herself and he shoved her knees back, opened her, and hammered himself inside her. She moved with him, clung in his shoulders, never stopping, never slowing. He waited until she let go and when she did, she shuddered, whispers his name and he follows soon after.

Out of breath, he collapsed onto her. She strokes his hair softly. Her lips were against the side of his throat, and their movement brought him an exquisite tenderness. He closes his eyes and whispers in her ear. "I love you."

He didn't know if he spoke but Shiraishi stiffened, then she was still. He waited, holding his breath.

"I love you too. That isn't the problem, Tanaka."

By morning, she was gone and she had left the stupid goldfish behind.

She manages to reach three blocks from her house when he'd caught up at her.

She was angry. No, that was an understatement, she's furious but if she really would be honest to herself mostly, she felt like an idiot.

He wasn't planning on marrying her. He never had.

She stopped suddenly gasping for breath, stood tall and steeled herself. No. She would stop running away. She was tired of running. It's basically routine, she had to be used to this already. She would go back there and speak her mind, set things straight. It never occurred to her before, that secret longing of hers. Why does she stays too long staring at white dresses as she shops for new clothes, why she dreaded Echizen's wedding even though she was her best friend, why a hallow started to form on her chest whenever he dodge her question. . . and she was tired . . . so tired. . . tired of it already . . . The darkness started from her toes then began their way up to her fingertips, until it reaches her heart and she started to accept and embrace the loneliness . . . but she doesn't want to anymore. . . Tanaka's pace slowed to a walk when he saw her. And when she saw him, he marches towards her with an expression she didn't understand. She never understand him. Sometimes she did, but often there were something in his eyes she couldn't comprehend. There's too much unspoken, and it kept pulling them apart. She wondered if he was even hers in the first place. She opened her mouth to said something snarky when he beat her to it.

He grabbed the back of her head and pulled her lips to his.

Her eyes opened in surprise. He kissed her roughly, his other hand gripping tight around the back of her head, making escape impossible. Shiraishi flushed, realization dawning on her, shoved against his chest with all her strength, but he didn't even notice. His mouth was soft, despite the roughness, his lips molding to hers in a warm, familiar way. He yanked her to him, dragged her up to her toes. He bit her lower lip hard, making her gasp, and then plundered her mouth. He fisted a hand in her hair, pulled her head back, and took them both deeper.

She lost the rest—and the air in her lungs. A strong need for air came and she tried to push him away, failing again. He seemed to notice this time. With his mouth savaging hers, he held her still, his grip like iron, the cold curled back. Her resistance became soft until four seconds later, her hands laid weakly to his chest.

It worked. He loved her. He really do. It's just, he's too hesitant, too afraid of change. He wondered why he never tried to tell her from the start, and now he knew the message had reach her. He pulled away to look at her and he never see it coming.

It stung.

She slapped him. Her arm swung up before she knew it would. Her hand whipped across his face before she could stop it. The sound was swallowed by the vast empty street. Her eyes are glacial and his eyes were wide, stunned, stricken, and completely taken-aback. Her lips are trembling. So many questions registered but words failed him. He open his mouth to say something but no words came out.

She gritted her teeth, clenched her fist, giving him a look that filled with so much sadness his heart breaks.

"Tanaka, I just . . . don't understand. . ." She dragged both hands through her hair, to keep her hands from shaking. She drew a deep breath. "I believed in you, okay? Life my whole life in fact. So you kind of owe me now. You don't have to do much. Just give me something."

He wanted to speak but suddenly he can't and Shiraishi grieved, whispers. "Anything? Anything at all?"

"I'm sorry. . . I. . ." He says. It was a whisper but the words are cruel nonetheless.

Her chin came up. Her eyes were dry. The tears would come later, she knew, torrents of them. "I'm sorry too."

Turning, she walk away from him, leaving him staring at her back, wondering why the hell it have to be this way.

...

The goldfish is too troublesome to take care of.

He never realized it before because Shiraishi is the one who always feed and buys food for the fish but now she's gone, he was left to do the pesky job. To make the matters worse, the goldfish's food was running low and he didn't know anything about that stupid fish.

In the end, he researched. He buys it food. Cleans it aquarium. Feeds it everyday. That stupid fish seems so happy whenever he was close by, flipping its tail like it was ecstatic to see him. He was not fooled, he was not happy whenever he greets the fish either and he was not unconsciously looking forward to greeting it after his long day in work, definitely not.

He started to call the goldfish 'Shiraishi'.

It wasn't because he misses her. Who misses who? It's just there were days where he was staring at nothing for a really long time only to notice that the goldfish seems to be looking at him, asking him with its tiny eyes; 'Are you okay?', like it could tell what he wanted to say even though he wasn't saying anything.

It was too hard for Tanaka to admit this but he started to feel attached to the Goldfish Shiraishi. At his payday, he decided to buy the goldfish aquarium but decided against it when he remembered who buys it. He settled on buying it luxurious food instead.

When he found the goldfish dead the next morning, Tanaka cried.

...

The hospital is ten minutes away, and he parked in the first space he found. He forgot his keys in the car, and ran into the building. The emergency unit was alive with lights, and people running around, dashing into rooms, and half a dozen people sat in a corridor, waiting for treatment. A woman in labor walked by looking uncomfortable, leaning heavily against her husband but all Tanaka wanted to see was Shiraishi. He noticed the reporters then, two of them taking notes from a highway patrolman.

He went to the desk and asked a nurse where he might find her, and the woman's face sobered instantly as she glanced up at Tanaka. She had a pretty face and kind eyes, and as she looked at Tanaka, she felt a wave of sympathy for him. Tanaka was dead white and shaking.

"You're her husband?"

Because it'll be too troublesome to explain, Tanaka nodded, feeling his body shake more. "Is she. . . Is she . . . "

"I'm calling her doctor. Would you like to sit down?" Tanaka sank gratefully into a chair, thinking of what was happening in that room, the desperate fight for life she appeared to be losing. A doctor approached him and Tanaka stood up as soon as he saw him.

"What's happening?" He asked again, and this time he got the answers.

"As you obviously know, your wife almost died. She lost a great deal of blood from the cut on her arm. In addition, she appears to have sustained a considerable blow on the head. We think she's got a concussion, and of course things are complicated by her condition."

"What condition?" He looked horrified and confused. Her medical history was a complete mystery to him. "Will she be alright?"

"We don't know yet." The doctor looked even more serious then as he looked at Tanaka. "And given the extent of her injuries, it's a distinct possibility that she could lose the baby."

A/N: Hey~! It's been a while! Sorry it took so long for me to update this. I'm kind of hesitant to post this but there you go~ Please tell me your thoughts and comments, Thanks! It'll help a great deal!