trigger warning?

I feel his fist slam into my face, but it doesn't even hurt much anymore. I fall to the floor, clutching at it with shaky eyes as this time his foot crashes with my side and stomach, leaving me limp on the ground with small whimpers as I try to catch my breath. I'm so used to this feeling, in a way I actually start to welcome and wish for it. Afterall, it's what I deserve right? That's all I'm told everyday... Erwin's put a roof over my head, taking me in when no one else would. I'm just a worthless piece of trash he's given one more chance to. I'm thankful, even with these conditions. He deserves everything I have. My obedience, body, everything.

When he finally stops and stalks off to our room, I'm left on the floor with a mouth full of blood and a throbbing stomach. The pain eventually starts to flood in only bit by bit when I get up to grab a cup of water to rinse the blood out of my mouth. I'm thankful he didn't hit me as much tonight as he usually does. We do have that important dinner tonight with his co-workers afterall. I can't show up with a bruised, swollen face. The first hit I had gotten was to the cheek. It was no doubtedly sporting a red shade. Maybe I could put makeup over it.

After cleaning up the mess of the bit of blood that gotten on the floor and the things that he had knocked over, I walk back to our room and give it a couple soft knocks. The door opens not long after, and I'm greeted with strong arms wrapped around me. I flinch reflexively and tense, but realize he's only embracing me. There's no other choice but to accept it, so I wrap my arms around his waist and let myself sink into the warmth. It's nice if I close my eyes.

"I'm sorry." He whispers into my ear, voice hoarse as if he were overcome with emotion. I nod into his chest. This has become sort of a habit. I believed it at the start, but now I don't know what is lie and what is truth.

I don't say anything back to his apology, only casting my eyes downward as I only wish to lay down and sleep a bit before we go. He notices and gives me a look, as if expecting me to say it's fine. But his phone rings before he could say anything to me. I take that as an opprotunity to get to the bed without anymore violence. Thank you to whoever's calling. Erwin takes a seat on the edge of the bed while I quietly get into the bed and lay down. I face away from him as he continues with his phone conversation. Must be someone we're meeting with at the dinner tonight. I sigh as I bury my face into the soft pillow, not even sure if I wanted to go tonight anymore. The somewhat of a good mood he had this morning was gone and down the toilet. Plus my face was swelling. What excuse could I possibly use to get out of that? Another sigh. I sink into the bed, and soon feel Erwin's weight shifting over to me. His arm snakes under my body and pulls me close to him. I try hard not to yelp from surprise and fear, but I'm met with another hug. I can't help but to deflate a bit from relief, but his loud voice ends up making me tense all over again. "We're leaving in an hour, you better cover..that... up. Take a shower, dress up nice." He must mean my face. I give a nod, looking up to him with wide eyes.

After I'm let go, I head to the bathroom and shower. I'm on watch for Erwin, who might force himself in with me. I hurry and get out in under ten minutes. A towel is only around my waist as I step in front of the sink and stare at myself in the mirror. My eyes glance down to my side, where a large bruise was. I sigh as I look up to my own face in the mirror, noticing the bruises littering my left cheek and eye. What am I doing? Why am I letting myself go through this? Convincing myself the love is real between us, it's no hope. It's already been four years, and the point of return back to normal life is getting further away everyday. Of course I've tried running, but he's caught me everytime. There's no way of getting away from Erwin. I guess that's just the way my life is going to be. It's going to be the way it ends. He's going to kill me one day. I shoo away the violent images and thoughts and grab my makeup bag and pull out some foundation, concealer and a few brushes. Erwin doesn't usually hit me in the face, but I do always have this handy just in case.. Thank God, otherwise I could never show myself.

Pitiful whimpers escape my mouth as I cake the makeup onto the raw, red-purple bruises around my face. The pain is too much, almost like being punched again. But I fight through and continue on to the end. It doesn't look too bad after I'm finished, the swelling being covered by my uncontrollable hair.

I take a few more looks in the mirror before reluctantly leaving the bathroom to get dressed. I can immediately feel Erwin's eyes stare at me. And hard too. I should have brought a change of clothes with me, so I wouldn't have to deal with this. I grab a pair of tight fitting boxers and put them on quick. I feel a bit better as I grab a neat dress shirt and slacks. "H-How about these..?" My voice is silent as I turn around and hold it up for Erwin to see. He has all choices of my clothing. He's picked out basically picked out my entire wardrobe, saying the ones I liked where too slutty for his liking.

Erwin stares at me for a moment, glancing from the clothes to my face. I had my eyes cast downward, not wanting to meet his eyes at all. But a couple seconds later, I hear the bed squeak. He got up. And he's coming toward me. Why? Did I choose something wrong? Fear no doubtedly shows in my eyes, so I keep them down. But something grabs me roughly by the cheeks, forcing my head up. It's Erwin's hand. His face doesn't show anger at all, and even a smile is on his lips.

"Why won't you look at me?" He asks, as if he were the victim. His eyes wander my face and I'm practically shaking in fear. Did he smear the makeup? Is he upset? I don't want to get hit again. I try to apologize as best I can, but the words are incoherent due to his hand squeezing my face. But he shushes me with a kiss. Any normal couple, there would have been a warm atmosphere, the feeling of love. But the kiss only sent shivers of fear and disgust down my spine. He finally pulls away after what seems like years and glances down to the clothes in my hands. "You can wear them." I give a small nod and his phone rang again. Erwin looks surprised when seeing the caller ID, and ends up walking out of the room with a wave. I could faintly hear a greeting to Leroy, no. Maybe Levi? I'm not sure.. But I shake it off anyway and continue to get dressed. After putting on shoes, I grab a few things that Erwin forgot in the room. It was already almost time to go, and he's still on the phone. I take last minute looks at my face before Erwin calls me out.