AN: This is going to be a 2-parter.

It was unusually quiet in A-dorm. The only sound was the light scratch of a pen on paper. On the far end of her bed, back against the wall, sat the only occupant of the room. She was holding a notebook in one hand and with the other, in which she held the pen, she tucked a strand of wild brown curls behind her ear. The pen lowered onto the next page and dotted down another word. Then, after a moment of consideration, encircled it.

Fear

Nicky frowned and looked at the other words she had written down.

Drugs. With an arrow to bliss, oblivion.

Family. With arrows to Red, Morello, Vause.

Pain.

Fear.

And beneath that, in bold script and underlined JUNKY ADDICT LIAR.

"How should I apologise?"

That is what she meant to ask the other day by the fence. Nicky did not have a history of admitting her wrongdoings and apologising to others. She always thought she was right and on the few occasions that she wasn't, the others weren't worthy of being notified that she was aware of not being right. Nicky almost never apologised. Yet she had been about to that day. She had been willing to say sorry to Morello. What for exactly, she still wasn't sure. It had just felt like the right thing to do. Apparently Lorna had known that and had stopped her.

"If you're going to apologise, you better do it properly."

"How-?"

"You need to figure that out yourself."

"I fucking can't, okay?" Nicky aggressively tossed the notebook and pen on the ground. She buried her fingers in her hair and leaned back with closed eyes.

After her sudden outburst the next words came out surprisingly soft. "I don't know how."

After their last encounter Nicky had avoided Lorna as much as possible. She made sure there was always someone between them in the line for the showers and dinner, was careful they didn't take adjacent seats and didn't speak directly to her if she hadn't been asked a question.

It was a hard task to keep this distance while deep down she craved the comfort of her presence, her voice, her touch. Morello made her want things she could not understand wanting. Ever since she had risen from hell, being around the short Italian girl had been confusing. Whenever she got close, she would eventually do something that made Morello mad at her. Staying away from her was a good defense mechanism. So far it had worked.

This behaviour had of course not gone unnoticed. The others had occasionally thrown them knowing looks during meals. However, none of them had approached her to ask about it personally and Nicky was glad that they had decided to stay out of it.

What could it possibly be that made Morello so upset every time the two of them were alone?

Apart from the obvious, of course, that she always inevitably brought up Vincent fucking Muccio… It was Christopher all over again. Lorna needed to stay true to a man that wasn't hers.

Except this time the small silver band around her finger proved otherwise. She really was married. That Muccio guy was in fact Lorna's and they probably had actually taken vows. Vows that resembled a promise of a perfect life together. Morello and Muccio. There was no room for Nicky in that picture.

As that realisation dawned upon her another memory came to the surface.

She was escorted down the hallways, the metal cuffs cutting the skin around her wrists bound behind her back as the CO's pulled her arms.

"I'm sorry." She couldn't tell Red the truth in that moment, there was too little time. "I love you."

She expected Red to answer, but it was Morello, whose face was strained with tears, who responded in a desperate cry.

"I love you too."

The words chimed through the hall, hanging there and she wanted to turn around and look Lorna in the eye to find out in what way they reflected the meaning of those words, but she couldn't. Then she was outside. Gone.

A single tear escaped and slid down her left cheek.

The bed frame creaked and the mattress shifted as someone sat down next to her.

"Oh Nicky…" Red gently brought her hand to her daughter's face and caught the salty drop with a finger.

"Hi ma." The lump made of unshed tears that had risen in her throat made her stop from trying to say anything else in fear of starting to cry uncontrollably. Instead she let Red take her into her strong arms and let the tears stream freely in silence.

Red held her for what felt like an hour, not saying anything, rubbing her back soothingly. When Nicky had calmed down, the Russian woman began to speak softly.

"I know that you probably don't want to talk about what happened." she started, waiting for the younger woman to look at her. "About what happened down the hill and after. And you don't have to. Not now."

Nicky nodded.

"But, Nicky, you have to promise me that one day you will talk about it. You need to get it out. If you keep it all up here." she tapped Nicky's forehead. "It will eat you. It won't go away."

"I know." Nicky whispered. "I know that."

"Good." Red started to stroke Nicky's hair and smiled as she leaned into the touch. "The others were wondering why you weren't at lunch."

"I had something else to do."

"Did you?" Red pressed on. "Must be something serious for you to skip a meal."

"It is."

"Does it have anything to do with the fight you and Lorna seem to have going on?"

Nicky shrugged and felt the elder woman sigh next to her.

"What happened?"

She shrugged again.

"I sent you with Lorna because I thought the two of you might take the opportunity to speak in private." Red said.

"Is that what you thought?" Nicky drew back and stared at her in disbelief. "You sent us to the make out alley, ma. Honestly, what did you expect would happen?"

A frown appeared under the wild red hair. "You didn't…"

"No of course not." Nicky bit back defensively. "She stopped me."

"Well…" Red said after a moment. "I'm afraid you fucked up rather badly."

"Yeah, well, I am a fuck up, remember."

The words, an echo from the past, hung between them.

A pained look flashed over Red's face. Wordlessly she pulled Nicky back to her side and turned her head to press a kiss on top of her daughters curls.

"I don't know how to make it right, ma." Nicky shook her head. "I don't know if I can."

Red sighed. Her fingers went back to combing through Nicky's hair. "Did anyone tell you what happened after you had been taken away?"

She felt Nicky's head turn in a negative answer.

"Most of us were just shocked. For them this was merely a wake up call that these things still happened. Chapman didn't sleep the first night you were gone, she had lost her mate in electrical. Vause was quiet for some time, she had lost a friend. I had lost a daughter." Nicky shifted uncomfortably, but Red had no intention to divulge how she had felt and her own coping mechanisms. "We all got through, got back to normal after some time."

Nicky wriggled to face Red, her big eyes in contrast with her small voice as she asked. "And Lorna?"

"She didn't."

Nicky averted her gaze. "Why?"

"She was devastated when they took you. She has cried for days, weeks even, didn't take care of herself at all. She looked terrible." Red's fingers stopped moving, lost in the memory. "You might have taken a fall, Nicky, but you sure dragged her with you to the ground."

Guilt washed over her as a well-thrown bucket of ice water. Nicky had never considered what impact her departure could have had on her family. She'd been too blinded by anger and rage directed at Luschek to think about it.

"It was only when she started inviting all those men that she got somewhat better." Red continued. "She still didn't sleep well, but at least during the day she had visitations to keep her mind occupied."

"All those men?"

"She tried to stay in contact with a lot of them, but you know Lorna." Red sighs. "In the end it was just Vincent who kept coming back."

"And then she decided to marry him?" Nicky frowned, trying to figure out how this was a logical decision to make in a timespan of two months.

"And she did. As she has had to remind you on more than one occasion" Red looked at her pointedly.

Lorna's voice echoed in Nicky's head. It hadn't been the first time Lorna had spoken those words. She had indeed reminded Nicky of it on more than one occasion.

Lorna trying to get away from her in the make out alley. "How many fucking times, Nichols. I am married!"

Lorna looking at her with that adorable pout after she had complained about the cold nights and Nicky had jokingly suggested they could sleep in the same bed. "I'm married, Nicky."

"Vince is coming over for visitation." A flash of the silver band reflecting the dim TL light of the cafeteria as Lorna showed off her ring for the third time that day with a smile equally bright as she chimed "We are married for one month today!"

Lorna cleaning in the bathroom and ignoring Nicky's advances.
"That's our stall."
"Yeah I'm aware." Lorna turned to look her dead in the eye.
"I'm married now." She stated. "I took vows."

Nicky's gaze shifted back to the floor. "So I guess you know about that other thing too?"

"If you mean by that thing the time you cornered Lorna in the bathroom, then I do."

"She talked to you." Nicky stated. If Lorna had felt the need to tell Red, it must have been worse than she thought. "She was upset."

"Nicky…" Red guided Nicky's head back into facing her. "You can't keep trying to get into her pants if she tells you to stop."

Nicky felt her cheeks flush in embarrassment. "I wasn't- It was not like that. I wasn't trying to rape her or anything."

"Did you stop when she said no?"

Realisation dawned, making Nicky feel like crawling away into the embrace even further. "Does Lorna think I tried-"

The remainder of the question was stuck in her throat, held back by the tears that were dangerously close to escaping to the surface.

"You hurt her deeply, Nicky. She worked so hard to built something to keep her going without you here. This marriage is what she worked for. It is confusing enough that you are back and now you don't even respect that. You respected her staying true to Christopher more than her vows to Vincent, a man she actually married. Can you understand that she is upset?"

Nicky swallowed hard to get rid of the lump in her throat, but it wouldn't go away. Now she more or less understood the problem. She had hurt Lorna. This was all her fault. And worst of all, in some way even this marriage was her fault. She nodded, giving up the fight against the tears.

Red pulled her daughter closer, gently rocking Nicky as she cried silently. "I know you, Nicky, and I know you would never hurt her on purpose, but that doesn't take away the fact that you did and that you need to make this up to her yourself."

"But I don't know how."

"Ask yourself this." Red said. "Do you love her?"

Nicky stayed silent. Again. Did she?

And there it was again. Fear as she came to the same conclusion Red had already come to a long time ago.

"I do."

Red smiled. "Then you will know what to say."