Disclaimer: I don't own Gravity Falls!

Title: Double Dealings

Summary: (Teen!Delinquent AU) The gnomes and the Manotaurs are threatening battle in an effort to decide which species is better. Dipper and Mabel are prepared to profit off this.

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willam and jack and jake- Thanks! =)

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While most of the scenery around Gravity Falls is woodland, there exists a few flatter areas, where the grass sprawls out unhindered and dandelions grow unchecked. The destruction of land during the creation of Northwest Manor was very much permanent, even after the mudslides finally ceased. It was in such a setting that the gnomes and Manotaurs had decided to gather, agreeing to meet in the very middle. Overseeing the whole ordeal was Wendy, perched in one of the few trees nearby. Dipper was grateful for her presence; it's always a good idea to have someone willing to drive to the hospital when one goes out picking fights.

The gnomes were preparing for war only a few feet away from him, sharpening twigs and putting dirt on their faces. Dipper noticed one jabbing two of the makeshift spears into his jaw as a means of making fangs. They chittered back and forth to each other, hugging and patting backs. It was decidedly somber for the small monsters.

Across the way and up the hill, just out of sight, the Manotaurs were chanting- and, honestly? Took the whole deep vibe out of it. "LEADERAUR! LEADERAUR! TAKE US TO GLORY, TAKE US TO FAME, TAKE US THE TRUE MANLY WAY!"

Over the horizon, Dipper could just barely make out Mabel's voice. "Y'know what, fellas? We're starting to sound like cheerleaders. Which isn't a bad thing- cheerleaders are hella buff- but I dunno if that's what we're going for, ya' dig?"

Leaderaur ignored her suggestion, pointing his bone-spear into the distance. "CHANT YOUR NAMES, BRETHREN! And, uh... sister-ren?" He shook his confusion away, reclaiming his former yelling glory. "LET THE ENEMY KNOW THE NAMES THEY SHALL CRY IN THEIR NIGHTMARES!"

They all punched the air, chanting, although the smallest of them looked rather deadpan about it. "CHUTZPAR! TESTOSTERAUR! PUBERTAUR! PITUITAR! BEARDY! CLARK! MABEL!"

"I'm good enough to be in your silly little man-chant? Aw, shucks."

Jeff's waving arms brought Dipper away from the Manotaur war-ramping as he motioned for all of the gnomes to gather around him. He crouched down to show he was listening to his fullest ability. "Alright, everybody. I'mma be real; this ain't lookin' good. I'm willing to bet that most of us won't be going home tonight."

"Jeff," Dipper said incredulously, "we're just having a fistfight, man."

"Have you looked at their fists, boy?" he snapped, pointing an accusing finger his way. "Gnomes weren't built to withstand such force!"

A hand rose from the back. "Can I stay home today, sir? I already got putt-putted by the Pines girl."

"SHUT IT, GREMLIN!" Jeff roared. He took a second to collect himself before continuing. "Look. We're gonna die. But we're gonna die like gnomes should- scuttling about in a desperate search for hiding spots. Now, let's all run at them with a terrified scream. If we look convincing enough, they might think it's a war cry!"

"This is the stupidest thing I've ever participated in in my life," the only human sighed as he stood, stretching his sore legs out. "And I once got into a bar fight."

"Ditto." Jeff snapped his fingers- for no reason other than to snap them, apparently. "Also, some of the things you tell me concern me, Pines."

"Some of them?"

"We usually only talk business, kid."

"Okay, fair enough."

The gnomes formed a line, Dipper hanging off to the side with some of his Grunkle's knuckle dusters. He preferred his golf club, usually, but the Manotaurs would bend it like a twig, and there was no point in wasting a good golf club. Jeff took a few steps forward. "We're ready over here!"

Leaderaur seemed amused by the semblance of nicety, laughing darkly. "PREPARE TO FACE YOUR DEMISE, SMALL BEARDED MEN! ATTACK!"

"I regret everything," Dipper said.

"CHARGE!" Jeff called, trying- and failing- to sound as impressive as the larger monsters. The small group let out a shriek and began to charge up the hill. Dipper jogged alongside, wondering if he should just duck around or chance it and punch Beardy is his stupid smug face.

The Manotaurs, of course, were making far better time then they were. Mabel had to sprint to keep up with them. For a woman Dipper personally knew to fear, she did come across as rather puny amongst her 'brothers'. (If they were her brethren now or whatever, did that make Dipper their step-sibling? He certainly hoped it didn't.)

"STOP!"

They came to a halt mere inches from each other, both jarred by the sudden voice. Dipper skidded on the grass and got the pleasure of testing the texture of the grass with his face, while Mabel almost squished multiple gnomes- something they all knew she wouldn't exactly regret- but was saved by Pituitaur grabbing her bat.

Out of the shrubs came Candy, sitting authoritatively on a throne made of smooth wood, drawn by a seat of squirrels. Her nails were long and glittered to show she meant business. The Manotaurs immediately began to mutter about themselves, unsure whether they should heed her commands, while the gnomes bowed.

"Your Majesty!" Jeff exclaimed. "We, uh- I thought you said you didn't want to come."

Candy ignored him entirely as she slipped off the throne, snapping her fingers for the squirrels to disperse. She stomped over the field, up the hill, and to the Manotaurs to grab her friend by the ear. "We talked about this, Mabel."

Mabel let out a hissed breath of pain. "We talked about fires and being royalty and pancakes. We didn't say anything about bashing your lovers in with a baseball bat."

The queen massaged the bridge of her nose, turning to Leaderaur. "These two are always thinking up some scheme. We don't need to fight. After all, do we really have to prove ourselves to anyone but ourselves?"

"Uh..." the Manotaur seemed shocked by the idea. "But we didn't prove ourselves yet."

"Yeah!" Clark added. "We still don't know which is better!"

"We are!" Jeff boasted, waving a stick at them. "We're fighting in the name of our lovely queen!"

"Well, we're fighting for manliness!" Chutzpar returned. "That's pretty noble too, bro!"

"Jeff," Candy sighed. "You don't need to fight for me. I can handle my own duels."

"Oh, yeah, definitely." He nodded. "Your finger forks of justice? Top notch, m'lady."

Leaderaur cleared his throat, bending his head down so they could speak properly. There was a level of respect between the two leaders, enough so that he didn't shout. "Miss Candy. You must understand. Your people have offended mine. We will not return home without blood."

"Blood! Blood! Blood!" the other Manotaurs chanted, Mabel included, her ear still in Candy's fingers.

Candy sent her a dirty look, but then a slow smile broke across her face. She pushed Mabel forward. "Then let's have a one-on-one duel. Your new champion against my mage."

Dipper gaped at her. "Candy, what the fudge. I'm not beating up my sister. Not for this, anyway."

Mabel put her hand on her hips. "I'd trade Dip-Dop over here to the devil for a corn chip. We all know that. But this isn't even corn chip territory."

"Thanks, Mabel."

"Love you, bro."

"Hmmm..." Leaderaur tapped his chin. "I don't see why not. SET THE STAGE!"

Candy pointed at two gnomes, ignoring the complaints the two fighters were giving off. "Draw a circle in the dirt."

"Whelp," Dipper sighed, reluctantly pulling off and tossing his knuckle dusters. "This fight just got way less interesting."

"I think it's supposed to be irony. Or, like, a lesson." Mabel shrugged, chucking the baseball bat off to the side. She cupped a hand over her mouth. "Hey, Wendy! Check the polls for us, okay? If we gotta fight, we might as well make the most money we can out of it."

From the tree, Wendy gave a thumbs up and pulled out her phone.

"Boo!" Pubertaur yelled. "Fight already!"

"Kick his teeth in, Lady Mabes!" Testosteraur added.

Dipper and Mabel exchanged a look and ever-so-slowly sat down, crisscross apple sauce, to the loud disagreement of both sides. Mabel twisted her head around to shout: "We'll fight when we can cheat like real people! We're not animals, dudes."

"So," Dipper started. "How's it going?"

"Good, good. Got my murder on for nothing, but otherwise good." Mabel tapped her fingers on her knee. "I feel like we're letting El-ahrairah and Rabscuttle down right now."

The boy blew a raspberry. "Let's not kid ourselves. We'll never be on their level. And who would be who, anyway?"

"I like fighting," she answered slowly, looking thoughtful, "so I guess I'd be Rabscuttle."

"NONE OF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING MAKES SENSE!"

"We're talking about rabbit legends. It makes perfect sense."

"THAT MAKES EVEN LESS SENSE."

Wendy had been forced to climb a good ways up the tree to get cell service, but eventually a signal came to her. Her voice came to their ears at almost a whisper. "The poll is still basically unanimous, yo. Townsfolk wanna see some gnomes get beat."

"Damnit."

Mabel laughed and got to her feet with a grunt. "Alright, fair is fair. I can't beat yo butt without you getting in a single punch. You hit me, and then I'll go off. Sound good?"

"You're making this far more complicated than it has to be, Mabel."

"Dipper, I dunno if you've noticed, but we've spent the past week greasing the wheels of war for money. 'Far more complicated than it has to be' describes basically everything we've done so far."

"Touche."

The Manotaurs let out a cheer as the Pines teens squared up. Dipper, never one to start a fight, always the one to finish it, took a running start and pushed her, sending her sprawling in the dirt, almost brushing the edge of their little dirt circle.

"Really, Dipper?" she says, eyebrow raised. "Really?"

He shrugs, hopping from foot to foot. "I've never said I moved past middle school playground rules, Maple."

That little comment got him clocked in the jaw. Dipper stumbles like a drunken sailor, trying and failing to keep his balance, but before he can go up or down Mabel gets him in the gut too, and he falls.

"Dangit, boy!" Jeff cries. "Get up! Fight back!"

Dipper patted the ground. "I'm good, ya'll. Prefer it if I got out with a coupla my teeth intact."

"This is officially the lamest fight I've ever been in," Mabel told them all, wiping her knuckles on her shorts.

"Ditto."

The Manotaurs seemed to disagree, rumbling up on all sides. Leaderaur tapped her head with his spear. "LADY MABES HAS PROVEN HERSELF TO BE A TRUE MANOTAUR IN SPIRIT! AS SUCH, I MAKE HER ONE OF US FOR ALL TIME!"

"Oh no."

"SHE CAN NEVER TRULY LEAVE US, FOR WE ARE IN HER BLOOD."

"I've made a horrible mistake."

Jeff seemed far less enthusiastic as he kicked Dipper in the ankle, face red. "Nice going, Pines! You've made us the laughingstock of the forest! Honestly, I don't even know why I pay you!"

"You did that to yourselves," he wheezed.

Mabel was tossed into the air in celebration, falling back down to Earth with her arms crossed. "I hate all of you."

"A PARTY IS IN ORDER!" Leaderaur declared, turning to the fallen gnomes. "IT IS IN OUR LAWS THAT WE INVITE THE CONQUERED TO OUR SWEET DIGS TO BRAG. CARE TO JOIN US, MISS CANDY?"

"We'd love to," Candy answered politely. "The citizens of my kingdom know how to accept our defeats with dignity."

"Is that one cryin'?" Clark asked, pointing to Gregory the Gremlin, sobbing into the arms of another gnome.

"We're a very emotional people."

"I'm in great pain," Dipper butted in. "Can I get some Advil or something?"

"After the party." Candy nudged his side. "Come on, loser. Let's get something to eat."

Author's Note: Finally finished the story! About time. =) I imagine Leaderaur is actually pretty intimidated by Candy- hence calling her miss- but he's too manlyTM to admit it. Candy is fully aware of this.

-Mandaree1