-๑-๑ ஜ ๑- Chapter 20: Alone -๑ ஜ ๑-๑-

Quickly, even the blond´s steps moved forward on even ground.

He was outside. His feet wandering on grass and earth, on a path that was more or less fitting for these street´s stones interrupting it here and there.

It was warm today, so blissfully warm, the sun was shining and yet the blond felt as though he was freezing to death.

His skin was clammy, the air around him somehow suffocating. There was this choking feeling similar to when he was about to cry and yet there were no tears.

His mind felt as if it were on a race, a race so fast it made his head spin.

Confusing him with anger, with regret, with guilt, fear, panic-

Swallowing hard the blond quickly moved into an alley as he felt an overwhelming sense of nausea overwhelm him.

Fist against the cold wall of a house he let his head leaning against his arm, trying to take deep breaths- deep, slow breaths.

His mind was going crazy.

His eyes travelled up to his arm and for a second he flinched back- nothing happened, nothing bad, he simply had taken a look at his sleeve, a sleeve that was soaked with blood.

It might be Izaya's, it might be his, hell maybe it was from the titan´s or the others- he had no time to change his clothes no time to collect his mind.

Looking up he saw nothing but a horrified and dirty expression looking back at him from the reflection of a window.

A monster.

He knew it- deep down he knew it.

He knew what happened back in the woods- not in detail, not what he did but he knew that he- he... he and that girl-

They were the same weren't they?

Bringing his hands up to his temples the blond tried to ban the thought, tried to diminish the fear from before, the fear of having been found out.

The anger, anger directed at the court for trying to get Izaya out of their way while using him.

And this unbearable feeling he felt ever since Kasuka had fallen into coma.

Alone.

Slowly but surely the feeling was creeping into his mind ever since the wall broke. It started small, barely noticeable-

This monster, huh?

Shizuo couldn't stop thinking about what the other recruits said- about the girl being a monster, about killing her, about getting rid of her- it might as well be him!

The titans were out to kill him, the court seemed to be nowhere as understanding and rightful as he had made it out to be, not even the recruits, Izaya's boss- they all couldn't even move a finger for Shizuo.

He was alone- entirely alone.

Dragging his trembling bloody hand through his blond hair he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, tried to get a grip on himself.

He couldn't break down here. Not now, not when Kasuka was relying on him. Not when the hospital bills needed to be paid by those corrupt bastards.

Step by step, feeling agonizingly heavy he continued walking towards the hospital.

His feet carried him faster than he liked them to as he suddenly stood in the corridor leading to Izaya's room.

It was already dawning. The sun crawling down the wall.

A shadow dancing in the corner of his eye made his head spin around in a sudden flash of paranoia.

His heart beat twice the usual speed as he scanned the area behind him- but there was no one.

… maybe he was starting to get crazy.

The door creaked heavily when he pushed it open.

"Shizu-chan."

Ah.

There he was.

Izaya had already wondered when, or if the blond was going to come. After everything that had happened outside he wouldn't have been surprised if the blond had just bailed the fuck out of here and hidden beyond another wall maybe.

Sure, his brother was still here, but this wasn't exactly a situation marked by its predictability and logic.

To be honest Izaya had expected to see the stubborn, hotheaded blond from a few hours ago again.

The one that risked his life to get him back inside the save wall.

But what he was seeing now crushed that image.

Shizu-chan looked almost sick.

Pale, his eyes were jumpy, his motions slow and unsure.

If izaya didn't know it better he would say the blond looked like he was on the verge of a panic attack.

"... you didn't tell anyone right?" he questioned slowly, not quite sure what exactly he was dealing here with.

An awful time span of what felt like more than just a couple seconds passed before the blond´s lips started moving.

"... No…" he paused, the bitter hint of a smile decorating his lips, before they turned into something that was very familiar to Izaya on Shizu-chan´s expression.

Anger.

"I had the feeling they might try to kill me if I did," the blond spat, his brows furrowing even deeper.

"With the titans terrorizing us for ages it's no wonder," Izaya shrugged, flinching softly at the movement however, as the wound on his waist burnt.

Shizuo clenched his fists as he stared at the floor.

"Tch, I feel like the real monsters are inside the walls."

The raven hesitated.

"Why do you think so?"

… silence.

For a moment the blond kept quiet and yet there was just so much to his expression, telling Izaya nearly everything he needed to know in the bat of an eyelid.

"I was at the judge just now, getting questioned," Shizu-chan started slowly, "They wanted to blame the deaths on you-" the frown he wore only grew deeper with each syllable leaving his lips, "Outside, they wanted me to say you slaughtered the guys from the survey corps-!"

Shizuo couldn't believe it. Not even now that he was telling it Izaya. He couldn't believe just how corrupt they were.

Silence covered the scenery for just a moment as Shizuo tried to understand just what was happening inside these walls. Inside a place that should have been safe.

It were two words crushing the silence like a mirror.

"Did you?"

...

Confused the blond blinked as he rose his head to face the raven.

"What?" But Izaya merely turned his head to face the ceiling.

"I wouldn't judge you for it. They must have offered you better treatment for your brother. And between your brother and me it would be the only logical decision to take."

A blink followed.

Then another- and suddenly the blond´s emotions just burst into what he knew best.

Anger.

"Do you want to die?!" surprised the raven turned towards the blond- he had approached the bed fairly fast, even brought his hands down on the ledges of it as he barked the words.

Honestly, if the very same man had not just saved his live Izaya would have thought he himself was out to finish him.

"...of course not." Izaya replied, a bit flabbergasted what got the blond so riled up.

"They want to sentence you to death once they have what they call proof!" Shizuo continued. But still-

"So?" Izaya questioned, only throwing Shizuo´s mind into even more chaos.

"You... know that?" he questioned quitely- the simple fact causing this burning feeling in his chest and the nausea spinning his head to double.

"Shizu-chan they have been trying to get rid of me for ages by now, it's only a matter of time they get their hands on something to use against me." he had been confronted with this kind of behavior since the first day he could remember.

It wasn't unusual, hell if anything it was probably the norm inside these hypocritical walls.

But for Shizu-chan-

"Well I'm not going to help them there."

…

"Your brother's life is at stake," Izaya reminded the blond, his own eyes now narrowing in confusion.

"So is yours." Shizu-chan stated, "I told them to go to hell."

And suddenly the raven burst laughing.

Laughing and flinching, because his wound wasn't exactly amused by the rupturing motion wracking his body.

For a moment Shizuo wondered what the flying fuck had been so funny about what he said.

"Tell me how did you manage to remain this innocent inside these corrupted walls?" Izaya wheezed after a full blown minute of pure laughter.

A blank expression met Izaya's as the man´s eyebrow dipped into a frown.

"I'm just doing what I think is right."

Shaking his head softly the raven choked down some last chuckles.

"So an awfully heavy sense of justice is driving you?"

"No, I would cut their heads off without any judge if they dared and tried to kill you for their shitty schemes."

"How lovely," the raven snorted, "Didn't know I meant that much to you."

A short moment of silence covered the scene as the blond´s angry gaze directed itself towards the floor before facing his captain once more.

"You saved my brother, and you saved me, more than once. Believe it or not I give a shit about your well being."

The raven searched for any hint of the blond joking, but no if anything his expression was the definition of being serious.

A soft snort escaped his lips as he sighed softly.

"You are really the only one who can pull off saying something like that without sounding absolutely ridiculous."

But it was true.

Izaya knew it.

Letting his eyes trail to his dirty palms Shizuo couldn't help but stare at them. The events of the past hours kept repeating inside the blond´s head like the echo of a nightmare.

The titan´s.

Izaya's wounds.

The horror.

The panic.

But what was even worse was this feeling of power. The feeling of greed and…. the will to kill.

The face of the girl, sonohara something kept returning to his mind- frames, pictures of Shizuo being high up in the air looking down on the ground and more that just didn't make any sense tormented his senses as he swallowed thickly and squeezed his eyes shut.

Grasping his forehead the blond tried to calm his breathing and the shudder travelling down his back.

"What exactly even happened back then?" he asked softly, not sure if he really wanted an answer to his question.

"You protected me." the raven answered promptly.

No jokes, no witty remarks, just right down to the point.

Shizuo blinke.

That was the one answer he didn't expect.

"That girl was about to grab me and all of a sudden you were there. You grabbed me before her- to be honest I sort of thought it was over now. But you didn't eat me. At first I didn't even realize what happened. It was only when you punched her that I realized," Izaya elaborated, sensing the need of clarity the blond needed right now.

"I.. hit her?" Shizuo repeated slowly, not recollecting that kind of thing in the slightest.

"Square in the face, you kept attacking her in that brutish so not gracious way you always try to hit me with. You didn't stop till you had her head ripped off her shoulders."

The blond swallowed- so he… he ripped her head off?

Staring at the floor Shizuo didn't know what to make of this. What to make of his own actions.

Should he be glad? For having saved Izaya? Or afraid of this will to kill that came out of nowhere?

"Then you ... passed out? I don´t know. Your titan body just fell forward and you didn't move anymore," Izaya continued slowly, "I cut you out of the neck of that thing."

Surprise reflected on the blond´s expression as he lifted his head.

"I thought you killed it-"

"In my state?" Izaya questioned, and he would have laughed softly, if he had had enough strength left to be sarcastic. "It was you. And you definitely didn't even spare a thought on eating me." he replied instead, for once tired of playing games.

"... what the hell..." Shizuo mumbled softly.

"Do you remember anything? Before you became that titan? Or how you did?"

"No.. I-" Shizuo didn't know what to say, or to do, because nothing seemed to make sense anymore. ".. that never happened before, why now..?"

"Who knows, on my part I can only be glad that it did start at that moment."

".. why didn't you hand me over to the corps like Anri..?"

The raven hesitated.

Truly, the blond had a point, handing him over to the higher ups would have been an option.

… but none he was willing to take. At least not yet.

"I don't know this girl Anri nor do I know her purposes," he started slowly before meeting the blond´s glance, "But I trust you."

The blond frowned deeply, "What if I turn by accident? what if I end up attacking my friends? Like that girl did?"

"We can experiment on that."

"...what?"

"Experiment. Once my legs are good and all we can sneak outside the walls where no one notices."

"Outside? you mean.."

"I want you to try that again," Izaya clarified, "To learn to control it. Seeing how you aren't that well at controlling your strength I doubt you can actually do it in a titans body. You don't remember what happened that time and I think on my part that you merely acted on instinct." At least that was what the raven had concluded. After all, seeing as the blond had no recollection whatsoever it was only the most logical conclusion to think that he wasn't exactly conscious or particularly aware of what he was doing back in the woods.

It had to be pure instinct. And if it was that, then Izaya could work with it.

To be continued-

DUN DUN DUNNNNNN I am alive! xD

I'm back guys xD

Finally and for real :3

Now with the Corona shit and our total close-down here in Austria I have lots of free time-

For all of you who wanna know, this is what happened so far in my life and what kept me from writing:

First off, I had immense money issues, the company I worked for paid a shit wage compared to my rent cost, so I switched jobs, once twice, trice- now I'm at the fourth job and finally a good one, the boss is no asshole unlike with job 3, the payment is actually more than okay, unlike job 1, and the actual work is SO MUCH FUN *0*0*0*0*0*0* For those who are wondering what it is- I'm now a receptionist in a small hotel in Vienna :3

Meaning my work consists of nothing but- organizing, writing shit down, filing in papers, doing some calculating- god me and my low-key OCD I love it xD

Well, now with Corona causing everything to shut down here I got "fired" but no worries, everyone in my company did xD As soon as the hotel is opening again we will all have our jobs back :3

So- now I have literally nothing to do xD

University shut down here, and god beware the old farts at university who are supposed to do "online" lessons now, have no fucking clue of what that even is xD maybe 10% of the whole fucking university actually manages to keep their lessons upright for the students- the rest is probably fucked xD

I was lucky because this semester I'm only studying for exams and not taking part in seminars where you have to be present. :3

Also small side info, I'm not becoming a teacher anymore xD The reason for that are various but let´s not beat around the bush xD Honestly speaking I'm really getting fed up with kids the older I get xD And the thought of having to teach little pests that don't even put their phones away in a lecture when being asked to until I'm like 70 or so is already annoying me more than it should annoy a teacher xDDD

Sooo- I am now studying something I have never dared to try cause I thought I might be too stupid for it: law. :3

Yes, you read right, little old me wants to become a lawyer xD

Apart from my dream of becoming an author, which realistically will always be exactly that- a dream- I love organizing shit, doing research, reading contracts, thinking around corners- I'm one of those people that actually read the terms of agreement before clicking on "okay" xD

And even more importantly, I have had so much stuff happen to me and my friends from getting scammed to falsely accused and robbed that I find myself becoming more and more motivated and interested in the subject of law and how to enforce it. :3

Well then, that´s all I got to say about old little me and my life xD

NOW- let´s get the Shizaya business rollin again! xD I will try to give you all regular updates now~! Especially because everyone is bored out of their mind because of corona xD

With that being said, I will continue working on the other updates now! xD

See you soon honeys~! And stay healthy! ;3