''Sasuke-kun.''

''Hn.''

''Sasuke-kun.''

''Hn.''

''Sasuke-kun?''

''HNNNNNNNNNN!''

Naruto watched on as Sasuke's autistic senses got the better of him. He couldn't help but feel bad for him. Maybe he shouldn't have stolen some of Sasuke's drugs after that little panic attack yesterday...

''Sasuke,'' Naruto started, ''my ninja. Maybe we should go hit a fat one real quick? You know, to get our senses up for the test. We'll ace it without a problem!''

Sakura's fist crashed onto Naruto's head, because feminism apparently let's women do whatever the fuck they want. ''You idiot! Didn't Kakashi-sensei tell you not to do drugs?! And besides, Sasuke-kun would never compete in such vulgar activities.''

''Well, why do you think he's so fucked up now then huh?'' Naruto asked. ''I'm telling you, his eyes aren't red because unlocked his Sharingan now.''

While Sasuke continued with his autistic screeching in the background, Naruto and Sakura stood there in silence, waiting for their Sensei. Naruto's eyes trailed over Sakura's form. Her hair was pretty nice, but her assets were non-existent. But he had to lose his virginity fast, he would be a disgrace among ninja otherwise. Even the highest ranking ninja among the drug society were known as pimps. The second Hokage, Tobirama, was said to have attracted so many bitches with his fur that Konoha's population was doubled within nine months.

''Hello there!'' A cheerful voice rang out from the distance. Kakashi was approaching the group, and he looked a tad too happy.

''You're late!'' Sakura shouted, stomping her foot on the ground because that fucking helps with getting the point across.

''I'm sorry, I saw a black cat high on cocaine and since I didn't want to suck the dust out of its asshole I took the long way around.''

''Wait what.''

''Anyway!'' Kakashi clapped his hands together in an enthusiastic fashion. ''I hope you all took some XTC or something, because by the end of this your anuses are going to be bigger than the hole of disappointment Boruto left in the hearts of anime fans.''

''But you told us not to take any drugs!'' Naruto and Sakura shouted back, even Sasuke supporting them with autistic sounds.

''What are you, fucking stupid? It was just a piece of advice, only casuls don't do drugs. Now let's get started, I need to get me some pussy after soon.''

Kakashi reached down to his waist and pulled out a pair of silver bells. ''See these bells? You will have to get these from me in order to pass. If you don't, you'll get send right back to that shithole people call the Academy.''

''But sensei, there are onl-''

''I know there's only two fucking bells. It's supposed to teach you about teamwork and shit. But since you're all either too fucking stupid or too fucking high too understand anything, I'm pretty sure you'll forget it in 69 seconds minimum. Three, two, one GO!"

In a flash, Kakashi pulled out his custom Glock 17 and started unleashing hell on the defenceless Genin. Sakura hid behind a tree, Sasuke used Instant Transmission to get the fuck out and Naruto dodged the bullets Matrix style.

''Ha!'' Naruto laughed, ''You think bullets are enough to stop the great Naruto? I'll have you know, my dick is 69 inches long!''

Kakashi nodded, his eyes filled with mild impression. ''I see. That means I'll have to pull out bigger weaponry, and I'm not referring to my penis this time.''

Once again, Kakashi's hand reached down to his waist. Naruto tensed, what could his secret weapon be?''

''What the fuck? Fifty Shades of Grey?"

''It actually isn't. It's just the book cover but it's filled with a bunch of bad hentai. You know, the kind the horny twelve year olds masturbate too,'' Kakashi explained. Naruto grinded his teeth together, this man wasn't even taking him seriously. Maybe he would be better off leaving the village, becoming an edgelord and building his own harem?

''Take this!'' Naruto shouted at the top of his defiled lungs, summoning a bunch of shadow clones. The clones charged at Kakashi, intending to destroy him with their bottles of mountain dew. In response, Kakashi flashed a bad tentacle porn picture to the clones, destroying them in an instant.

''Got ya bitch!''

Kakashi turned around, only to get impaled onto Naruto's sweet chilli Doritos. Naruto's eyes widened when Kakashi turned into a bunch of smoke.

''Impossibru! He can create vape clones?!''

''You know, kids like you shouldn't leave their behind unprotected.''

Naruto wanted to protect his sacred booty, but it was already too late.

''Super special swagger release: Anal Penetration Jutsu!"

A feeling of warmth entered Naruto's rectum. He knew what it was. It burned his insides, making them churn and turn.

He loved blunts, but he didn't want to have one shoved up his ass.

''O Sasuke-kun, where art thou?''

Sakura's plan seemed flawless, at least to herself. Find Sasuke, rape him, pass the test, ditch Naruto in a sewer, rape Sasuke, grow a dick, rape Sasuke anally...

She could go on for hours, but she had to find Sasuke first to be able to do any of that.

As she looked through the forest, Naruto's words ringed through her mind. Maybe Sasuke actually did do drugs? Maybe he even was an addict. Shaking her head, Sakura shook off these negative thoughts. No, she wouldn't be able to live in such a reality.

The harsh reality in truth was that she almost got impaled by a syringe.

''What the...''

''Fuck, I missed!'' Sakura heard Kakashi curse.

''Kakashi-sensei, what are you doing with that syringe?!''

''Oh, this?'' Kakashi threw a quick glance towards the syringe he was holding. ''This contains a dose of breast growth drugs. I thought you could use some. Might even help with the boys, if you know what I mean.

''Stay away from me.''

''Bitch, listen up. I owe this one scary dude one hell of a debt. I tried to sell all the drugs I could, but it was to no avail. But if I could pimp you out I could earn a lot more cash. Now just stand still, I promise it won't hurt...''

''Don't come any closer.''

''This helps you out too, you know?''

Sakura gained a fear of syringes from that day on.

''Why am I the one tied up to the pole again?''

''Because BDSM is super kinky.''

Naruto started at the ground in front of him. Kakashi's mastery of drugs and memes had been too much for all three of them. Wasn't there like some underlying message or something?

''Teamwork,'' Kakashi said. ''I knew y'all were so fucking stoned that you would forget. But if I would fail you right here, Kishimoto wouldn't get any money. So that's why I'm giving you a second chance. Sasuke and Sakura here get to snort some coke, but Naruto can't have any. Should you share it with him, you will fail instantly. Now excuse me while I go masturbate around the corner.''

Tears almost started to leak from Naruto's eyes. He really wanted some of that coke.

''Here.''

Sasuke was holding a straw and a handful of coke in front of Naruto's face. Naruto's and Sakura's eyes both widened, although for different reasons.

''You can't, Sasuke-kun! You'll fail if you do!'' Sakura tried to reason.

''I could give less fucks about that,'' Sasuke retaliated. ''Naruto is a bro. Bros before hoes, and Kakashi is definitely a hoe in this case.

A sob of happiness escaped Naruto's mouth.

''Bruh.''

''I know, Sasuke Uchiha is one hell of a badass. Now snort this shit up before Kakashi comes back boi.''

''Can we buttfuck some hoes after this?''

''No homo right?''

''Of course not. What are you, a fucking faggot?''

The straw would have enter Naruto's nostril if not for Kakashi's glock being pressed right against his temple.

''C'mon man, just one sort?'' Naruto pleaded. Kakashi remained silent, his gun still pressed against Naruto.

''Okay, you pass, '' Kakashi nodded. ''You are the real MVPs. Normally I would have to give a speech or something, but fuck that lmao. So I want you to remember only one thing. Those who obey the ANBU are bitches. But those who snitch their homies to the ANBU are worse than bitches.''

''Words to live by.'' Naruto and Sasuke both responded. Sakura just stared at Kakashi, her eyes to devoid of any emotion. Seeing that your teacher is as much of a junkie as Naruto must've had some serious impact on her brain.

''Now, I really need to get laid, so let's got a strip club!" Kakashi exclaimed, his tone overflowing with happiness. Naruto grinned.

He fucking loved his team.

Kinda short chapter, but my attention span is limited while I'm tripping balls. I promise the next chapter will be worth the wait. Like, trust me, I'm Mara.

That is actually the reason you should not trust me.

Anyway, much, much love to my bois on the discord server. First one goes out to my baby Plagued Ambition, a really good writer, check his stuff out. Then there's my boi Boid(he doesn't write), he may suck shit at Dark Souls but he will always have a special place on the list of people I hate. Then there's Reain, but he's not really worth talking about lmao. We got high together once tho, it was pretty nice. There's a lot of other people I could talk about, but my memory is fuzzy.

I shouldn't write ANs while tripping btw. It makes me all sappy and nice, which is the opposite of what I'm actually am. They also make these notes way longer than they should be. Now go prepare your Clorox, your anti-depressants and whatever the fuck a human being needs to live. I'll be back some other time.