Grey L. Lilies

I knew my sense of direction was bad, but really. How did I get so lost on my way to heaven that I instead ended up in the body of a tiny toddler with a paralyzed left hand? What was I going to do now? /self-insert!fem!Allen Walker/

Disclaimer: Haha I wish.

chapter I

I wasn't a particularly religious person. So back then, I didn't really have an opinion on things like reincarnation.

Because, really. Reincarnation. Why would I contemplate those mysteries of life when I had that chemistry assessment on Wednesday or that biology write-up due on Friday? Even my dearest manga was thrown to the side once I got bombarded with the horrors of university.

But boy, was I regretting it now. In any case, not a smidge of my intensive knowledge in the medical sciences had helped when I woke up one day in the body of a tiny toddler.

.

.

.

A tiny toddler with a paralyzed, left hand . . .

"A bridge of silver wings stretches from the dead ashes of an unforgiving nightmare
to the jeweled vision of a life started anew."
― Aberjhani

Year 0, Month 0, Week 0, Day -1382, PM

It was a cold night. A really, really cold night.

". . . h-help. . . sob . . . Mama . . ."

My sunken cheek met coarse fabric as I curled desperately into my holey, threadbare blanket. Though my skin was already chaffing, I still pressed my back against the brick wall.

A few meters away from me, flushed little Bertha sat sobbing into her thin knees as she fell prey to her high fever. Bertha was a new addition to the streets, the only person who was even younger than myself.

". . . Papa . . ."

I was under no delusions that she would stay. After all, she no longer had the strength to walk anymore. It wouldn't be long before her rattling breaths and heart-wrenching cries faded away.

(She was not the first nor would she be the last.)

". . . sob sob, please . . ."

Nobody on our side of the wall even glanced at her . . . well, except for me. Of course I would. I hadn't conditioned myself out of the habit yet, out of the habit of responding to every little sound of distress.

Ida tried to get me to lose that habit. She said that it would only drive me insane.

(Ida was dead. She died two weeks ago because of a cold.

. . .

Just because of a common cold.)

So, when I turned to Bertha, what I saw only made my chest hurt even more. Despite myself being an once-medical student, I didn't have any resources I needed to save Bertha. I tried of course, every single time a new street rat began dying, but my sheer determination hadn't been enough in the face of the 'deadly' diseases.

I couldn't do anything without medicine, or even some herbs. And getting herbs was next to impossible since I couldn't even feed myself.

". . . sob."

I turned my face away and willed my own tears to not fall. After all, I didn't want to get dehydrated, did I? It was so hard to find clean(-ish) water to drink, and I barely ate anything at all as it was, and I was just so tired so I really didn't want to find more water just because I started crying . . . and . . . and . . .

"Please . . ."

.

.

.

Little Bertha was dead by morning.

Year 4, Month 6, Week 2, Day 5, AM

It was a nice day. The bluebirds were singing, fluffy white clouds rolled across the sky, and I . . .

I was not where I was supposed to be.

". . ."

I sighed gustily as I shot my companion a truly betrayed look. After all . . .

"Timcanpy, why are we lost?"

"Grah!" The flying ball of gold settled onto my head and snuggled into my white locks, all in all acting almost apologetic.

Ha ha. Almost was the key word here.

I sighed again before I tugged on my hood and gave the village before us a wary stare. It had been approximately three months since Cross had ditched us to go frolicking in some other country, and I was already messing up his last orders. Such a good student, that I was. Not that his orders were particularly helpful orders, but I was still aware of how pathetic my current situation was.

You don't follow? Well, think of it like this. I had a personal GPS with me (which was a godsend especially since there was no trusty Internet in this world), but I was still stuck somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Sad, right? To be honest, I wasn't even too sure anymore as to what country I was currently in . . .

". . . Tim," I whined softly, feeling the full brunt of my stupid. "Are you pranking me? You've been there before, so you must know the way to the Black Order Headquarters! Mother said you did!"

I even took a detour to visit Mother and Baba for help, only to find out that Tim was fully capable of bringing me to the Black Order. They had a good laugh at my expense, hardy har har.

With a flutter, the golem flew right in front of my face . . . before the little critter started chewing on the ends of my hair. Completely ignoring me. The jerk, ugh.

". . . Please Timcanpy?"

Shooting the golem my best pleading face, I widened my eyes to maximize the cuteness effect. Thankfully, my best weapon still worked quite well, for Tim had hovered indecisively for a moment before his tail drooped in acquiescence. Releasing a whoop of glee and reaching up to grab the gold ball and snuggle against him, Tim playfully escaped my clutches and―

"Meow!"

―got eaten by a fluffy cat.

". . ."

Year 4, Month 6, Week 2, Day 5, PM

Thankfully, I was already an accomplished cat-finder, from, well, all the other times Timcanpy got eaten by a cat. So, after nabbing the fluffy thing off the top of a tree, I made my way to the nearest inn so I could crash for the night and pray that Tim would be thrown up in a cat-ball or pooped out sometime soon.

Except.

Except cats weren't allowed in the inn. Or any inns in this village, apparently.

. . .

Who the heck made that kind of rule? This Inn even had a cat prowling around!

"A-Are you sure there are no inns that house pets, Miss? Or any other places who could take me in for the night?" I asked a bit desperately as the Innkeeper's wife tended to a table beside me. The older woman sighed.

"Yes, lad. Just get rid of that flea-ridden mongrel and I'll give you a room for the night."

". . ." I sighed myself and gave the cat in my arms a truly aggrieved look. On one hand, I really didn't want to sleep outside for the night. On the other, if I let the cat go, who knows when I'll be able to find the sly creature again. It took me hours to do it the first time . . . !

"Thank you Miss, but the cat needs to stay with me," I said, resigned. "I'll go to the church to see if they could spare me shelter―"

"No!"

I blinked in surprise at the woman's sudden forceful tone. It sounded frightened as well, and there was a small note of hysteria colouring her words.

"The church is abandoned and cursed," the portly woman explained in a rush. "When travelers go there to sleep, the only thing left of them in the morning are their clothes."

"I . . . see."

I shared a look with the cat. Although I was terrified of ghosts, this sounded awfully familiar . . .

Well. If this was what I thought it was, then I really did have to spend the night at the church.

I sighed again. Super heroes never got a break, did they?

"Meow!"

"Akjshakajksdfhajk!" The cat evaded my swiping hands and jumped away skillfully, fluffy tail waving lazily in the air. I dashed after it, because haunted or not the church was absolutely creepy and without Tim or the cat I was a hundred percent sure I wouldn't be able to fall asleep that night.

"Come back here you―!" I shouted as the cat rounded the corner. A flock of bats covered my sight and I cursed as I tried my best to follow that wagging tail, until the cat suddenly stopped. Relieved, I reached forward . . .

"Gotcha!" I smiled playfully. "I won't let you get away again, Missus Cat―"

Cough cough.

". . ."

Wait a minute. That sound did not come from the cat. Blinking in surprise, I looked up and―

―Oh.

It was only then did I realize where the cat was currently seated on. Oh, should I say, who.

". . . Eh?" I gasped as I leaned forward. My cursed eye wasn't responding so this must be . . . "A human? Why is a human here . . . ?"

CLACK!

"Damn you!" I gaped as a handcuff snapped onto my left hand. Bright eyes peeked out of the cop's hood as the woman glared angrily at me. "Who are you?!"

Whoaaa. Wait, wait, wait. She seemed very familiar. As in, in canon manga kind of familiar. Could the canon plot be finally starting?

The cop snarled. Oh yes, right, not the time to be daydreaming. I shrank back with a twitch.

Misunderstandings, oh how I hate you.

"I'm s-sorry! I was too into it and didn't notice you!" Waving my hands in the universal sign for 'surrender', I tried to keep the stammer out of my voice. "I was just trying to grab the cat!"

". . ." The cop stared at me, but did nothing else. Feeling a bit braver at her reaction, I gave her a nervous smile.

"Hi, I'm um, a traveler . . ."

Somehow, I managed to convince the cop that I was totally harmless. It wasn't hard, to be honest, with my childish face and bright eyes. Plus, the cop seemed to be quite kind.

I was metaphorically patting my shoulders in an acting job well-done when everything went downhill. And I meant that quite literally.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"W-What?! Um . . . you stay there!" That was the hair-raising and horrid scream that prompted the cop to run down the stairs, leaving me behind in her dust and still handcuffed.

With a sigh, I easily broke the thin piece of metal surrounding my wrist before following the older lady. Luckily, I got there just in time. Rushing over as the woman fell to her knees, I grabbed a piece of cloth from my bag.

"Be careful!" I cried out as I held the cloth over the lower half of her face. "The gas coming from the corpse is dangerous."

The cop stared at me with wide eyes, before looking back to the living corpse tied to the pillar. It was times like this that made me lament my sense of direction once again. If I had to be reborn into an anime or manga series, why did it have to be one where people dropped dead as quickly as fruit flies?

I stared at the dying, dying, dead man, resisting the urge to cry. If only I knew there were two of them, if only I remembered. "He's getting killed by the 'akuma' . . ."

And it was on that happy note did the body beside me slump to the side in a dead faint.

"Ah, Miss Cop?!"

Year 4, Month 6, Week 2, Day 6, AM

"Ugh," I wrinkled my nose as the Chief Cop or someone blew more smoke in my face. I was sleep-deprived, hungry, and seriously annoyed. Without Timcanpy, it had taken forever for me to find the police station whilst lugging along the unconscious cop (which unfortunately was the cause of many suspicious stares). And then, to thank me for all my troubles once I had finally gotten here, they brought me in for an interrogation!

The nerve of them!

"I told you," I cried in frustration, tired of all the baseless accusations. "I didn't do it!"

Suddenly, the door opened to admit the cop I had carried. Sending her a pleading look, I was surprised when the woman walked over with a sheepish face.

"Ah," she said as she laid a hand gently on my back. "This boy is innocent, Detective. He was with me when the incident occurred."

I blinked, surprised and slightly touched at the help as the detective blew up at the cop, who was apparently called Moore. Though it wasn't surprising that I was again mistaken for a boy; the short hair and chest binder didn't exactly accentuate my femininity. Anyway, somehow, the conversation turned to how I was a witness, and then . . .

"Come on," Moore said as she held the door open. She rubbed her probably smarting ear. "My home is close to here."

And then I was apparently released into Moore's custody? Or something like that? Blinking in confusion, I followed the woman as she ushered me away from the police station.

I shivered as my vision dissolved once more into a world of black and white. The man in the wheelchair . . .

I gritted my teeth. No, it wasn't a man at all. At least not anymore.

No matter how many times I saw it, the way an akuma exploded out of their human shells still unnerved me. Really. I had nightmares about these visions, ugh. Their skin cracked into dry pieces as cannons that looked remarkably wood-like burst out of their body. A wrinkled face crying black tears decorated the plump machine, creating a ghastly image.

And the soul . . .

"What the hell is this . . . ?" Moore whispered slightly as she stared up at the akuma, paralyzed. Snapping out of my slight shock, I lunged forward to grab the woman even as the whole place exploded.

Moore screamed.

.

.

.

"Argh . . ." I winced as the giant bullet strained to get away in my left hand. "Are you okay, Miss Moore?"

"Yeah . . ." The woman groaned, before looking at our surroundings in surprise. "Isn't this the church?"

"We got blown away," I concluded grimly, before moving my left hand away from Moore's own when she had curiously reached out. "Don't touch. It's a bullet with the akuma's blood!"

"Meow . . ."

I stared sadly at the cat in my hands, who weakly nuzzled me. "There's a virus in these bullets. If you get hit by them, the virus immediately infects you and you . . ."

The cat broke into pieces even as I closed my eyes. "You shatter."

Sometimes, I couldn't believe this was my life. Staring down giant machines of mass destruction with my alien hand. Really. Why was this my life again? This was supposed to be another person's life, not mine.

Ugh. At least I still had a female body, surprisingly enough.

"The cross that lives within me," I murmured quietly as I stepped in front of the grieving Moore. "It's time you unleash your power to destroy darkness."

My left hand tingled before it warped, soft skin turning into something harder than diamonds and growing almost triple the size. I ignored the odd feeling as I stared directly at the skull with the white veil.

"May your soul be saved, poor akuma," I jumped forward and my hand moved, almost on its own. "Rest in peace, Mrs. Claire."

My left arm cut through the akuma like it was soft butter, and I watched with tired eyes as the skull faded away, a beautiful young woman taking its place. The woman glanced at Moore, gaze soft before she turned to me with a sweet smile.

"Thank you . . ."

The pieces of the akuma crumbled completely as something settled onto my head and nuzzled my hair. Smiling softly, I reached up to pluck the flying ball of gold off my head.

"Welcome back Tim," I said softly, eyeing the sobbing Moore. "Is it time to go now?"

Year 4, Month 6, Week 3, Day 3, AM

.

.

.

I stared at my surroundings.

"Timcanpy . . ."

The golem stared at me innocently even as I sighed in despair.

"Why are we lost again?!"

I chatted happily with the clown who had kindly offered me a lift. Petting Timcanpy absent-mindedly, we talked about mundane things like the weather when―

"IT'S AN AKUMA!"

―when that happened. Leaping out of the cart I was riding in and bemoaning my loss of transportation, I yelled a hasty thanks to the clown before rushing to the source of the scream.

"Are you okay?!" I yelled as I rounded the corner to see . . . a group of people unharmed? Um. Was it a false alarm? Did this happen in canon as well? I couldn't remember . . .

"Where's the akuma . . . ?"

"There aren't any akuma here. See, Jan, Just because you said you were gonna get killed . . ." A truly buff guy sighed in annoyance before smacking the head of a little kid. "Sorry, it was this guy's fault. He was screaming about an 'akuma' and messing with the adults."

"Ouch!" The kid ―Jan was it?― yelled before rubbing his abused head with a disgruntled look. "I'm not just playing around, you idiot! There really is an akuma!"

I blinked in surprise, before my eyes narrowed. Wait a minute . . .

"They're slowly invading the world! My dad told me all about it!"

"Yeah, yeah, we heard you already. Here's some candy―"

"Don't treat me like a kid!"

"Please! It's true!" Jan stared desperately at me before he suddenly pointed to a homeless man standing beside everyone. "Just a minute ago, this homeless man got killed by a big guy with a hat! And then they put the bones of the akuma into his body . . ."

My cursed eye twitched and suddenly my vision turned monotone as my eyes stopped on the tiny soul with a giant bow. Ah. Was this akuma the homeless man's daughter or something? How pitiful . . . My heart twitched in pain as I remembered another girl who only wanted to bring back her father . . .

"Sorry about that, it's nothing!" The homeless man said as he reached out to cover the younger boy's mouth. "I was playing with the kid too enthusiastically, and he got too into it . . ."

"I knew it," the buff guy sighed as he led the others away. "Even if you scream, we're not gonna listen, Jan."

When everyone left, the man smiled at Jan as black tears gathered in his eyes. Geez, new-born akuma were such idiots. They didn't even notice Innocence even when they were right beside them. With a sigh, I watched dispassionately as a star appeared onto the akuma's forehead and a wave of blood-lust drenched the air. Time to do my thing, I guess.

"You can't deceive me," left hand tearing into the homeless man, I gave him a dry smile. "You are an akuma. Rest in peace, child."

The machine made for destruction released the boy and exploded. Danger over, my left hand turned back into my normal arm as I turned to Jan with a smile.

"Your name is Jan, right?" I picked up my suitcase. "You seem to know a lot about akuma, but who are you―?"

"KYAAAAA!"

And the next thing I knew, I was tackled to the ground.

"Oof!"

The boy, Jan, rambled about his dad and the Vatican and his dreams. It had been enough for me to finally place him in the canon story-line. No wonder the boy looked so familiar.

(And pfft. The boy had rollerblades. That was mostly why I remembered him in the first place. I mean, who had rollerblades in the nineteenth century?!)

". . . Anyway, how many akuma have you destroyed so far? How did you get that anti-akuma weapon? How did you feel when you destroyed your first akuma?"

". . ." I stopped in my tracks, my hand clenching around my suitcase handle as I fought to keep my face neutral.

"Jan, don't ask too many questions," I said when I victoriously lifted the corners of my lips into a smile. "Just like that last akuma . . . you shouldn't do anything that will get the Creator's attention. It's dangerous."

Didn't the kid know how close he was to death? If I hadn't been there, he would only be dust right now!

"ACK!"

And of course, the thanks I got for my advice was an onion bomb exploding in my face. Ugh. People were so ungrateful.

Thinking back to Moore and her dead colleagues, I grimaced as I waved the fumes away. Really, I was seeing a pattern here.

Year 4, Month 6, Week 3, Day 3, PM

"Wait, Jan! That person is―!" Struggling to lift the truly obese maid who was currently crushing me, I turned my head as Timcanpy flew over. "Tim! Go follow them!"

Curse my bleeding heart. Curse my stupid, bleeding heart, ugh.

I stumbled into the graveyard, eyes widening when I spotted the Earl. Seriously. What was it with the Earl and grieving little kids in graveyards, sheesh. Innocence already in its active state, I stepped forward to put an end to the crying woman onto of the akuma when . . .

When Jan jumped in front of the akuma. Oh, great.

"W-Why?" Jan yelled brokenly, angrily, even as the tips of my claws brushed his chest. "Leo is my friend! We even started going on patrol for akuma together! He can't be an akuma! WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE?!"

Of course, akuma always had impeccable timing. It was after that speech did the akuma burst out of its human skin, a canon pointing to Jan's head. My heart leapt into my throat and just.

Ah, screw it. I didn't want to wash blood out of my clothes again. With a swing, I ignored Jan's shock as my hand went through his chest to reach the akuma situated behind him.

"What are you doing?!" Jan screeched as he hit the ground, eyes wide. Pulling back my hand and smiling at the soul who was released, I gave the boy an amused look. Hey, canon Allen Walker may be a complete saint, but I certainly wasn't. I probably channeled 'Black Allen' way more than the canon Allen did. "If you're not an akuma, Innocence can't affect you. You didn't see that in your father's reports?"

". . ." Jan stared at me, mouth open.

"You . . ." the Earl said as I fought the urge to grimace. "I remember you. Allen Walker, the boy who turned his father into an akuma. I should have killed you then~ ❤"

A whole ton of level one akumas rose from the graveyard as I twitched. Jan started whimpering, and it was only then did I remember the traumatized boy sitting beside me.

"Don't worry, Jan," I said, before giving him a kind smile (hey! I could be kind!). "I won't lose. I am an exorcist, this is what we do."

With another small smile, this time directed to the poor souls, I sighed.

"Rest in peace. Cross Grave."

The light that sent the souls off was a beautiful pure white.

Year 4, Month 6, Week 3, Day 6, AM

"That's beautiful," I commented softly as I stared at the delicate cross Jan held in his hands. Jan gave me a smile that almost masked his sadness.

"Thanks. It's Leo's epitaph. He always loved fancy things like this . . ."

I kept quiet as Jan let out a shaky sigh. Turning to me, the boy offered me a small grin. "Hey, Allen, you're going to the exorcist headquarters, right?"

"Yeah," I said, giving Timcanpy a glare. "I'm quite late as it is."

"Then . . . I'll be going to be my dad's place," Jan said with a determined smile. "I'll study some more and gain power, since I know I can't do much now."

I smiled. The boy wasn't as bad as I thought he was. Closing my eyes, I thanked whatever deity that was listening to me for making sure I saved this boy's future.

"All right. Let's both do our best!"

END

AN: I wrote this a while back (months really) but never got around to publishing it. Surprisingly, there's not many self-inserts in the huge fandom that is DGM, so I wanted to try my hand at it. I also wanted to try my hand at the tragedy genre, LOL. I know this fandom seems to be dying and I haven't been here in a while, but, well. If anyone actually reads this, please tell me what you think!