It's back.

Well, back to FFn, anyway. I've already brought it back to Spacebattles, but I'll probably rework that version to match this one.

AKA "Chris tries to write a self-insert, attempt 5 or 6". For some reason, I've never been able to really pull it off. Technically, this isn't a real self-insert either, because it's a parody built on composite characters.

Now with 50% more Emergence DNA. I'm going to try to avoid the dumber jokes this time around... no I won't. I'm not sure how far I'm going to go with this or how much it will diverge from the original. I'll probably put out a dozen chapters or so, or until I run out of the original story. But we'll see.

Chapter 1: Prologue

July 21, 200x
Teh Interwebs

Skype signed in. 420 unread messages that you probably have either seen or don't care about and can't easily get rid of. Online: RaqVet25, SublimeVirtuoso, Ultra_Elite_Engineer.

Now hijacking your volume control, eating up your CPU cycles and stealing all your network bandwidth. All previously sent files, even ones weeks old, have been locked for your inconvenience.

You have no choice. Facebook Messenger doesn't have an app yet, and Discord won't be released for another decade or so. Slack? Hah! Tiny Speck still thinks Glitch is going to be a big hit.

Sandra3124: BOO!
SublimeVirtuoso: ahhh!
RaqVet25: IT'S BASRA ALL OVER AGAIN! WE NEED EVAC! EVAC GOD DAMN IT!
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wut

I guess I should introduce myself. Hi, I'm Sandra. I have dogs.

Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I'm trying to do alculus+c, but I don't know how to algebra
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's not going too well.

Ultra_Elite_Engineer is Kevin. He's an engineer-in-training. He's a really awesome guy (ew, not that way) that lives on the other side of the continent and he's gonna build really awesome stuff some day.

SublimeVirtuoso: Oh, just writing a song, do you want to hear it?
SublimeVirtuoso: What am I talking about, of course you do.
SublimeVirtuoso: It's a metaphor for colours, painting a picture with brass and violins and glocks.
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Glockenspiel? I thought you hated those things.
SublimeVirtuoso: No, glocks, like the guns. I decided to take inspiration from Tchaikovsky and utilize firearms to expand the musical landscape.

SublimeVirtuoso is the creative one of our little internet group, if you call it that. He's British. We're internet friends that got together over RPGs one day and kind of stuck together ever since. It may not be a super exciting backstory, but that's how it happened.

RaqVet25: jesus christ, could it get any gayer in here? you're such a fag
Sandra3124: HOMOPHOBE!
RaqVet25: im not a homophobe, I'm just crude
RaqVet25: look, I have nothing against gays, but in the corps thats how you talk
Sandra3124: you're being homophobic.
SublimeVirtuoso: Definitely homophobic.
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: I don't think homophobic is the right word, but definitely anti-homosexual.
RaqVet25: cut me some fucking slack, I fought for your freedom
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Iraq was a war of terror, not a war on terror.
RaqVet25: Blair disagrees.
SublimeVirtuoso: Nobody actually likes Blair over here.

Everything you need to know about RaqVet25 is in his username. He's 25 years old, probably a big tough handsome guy, and served a tour in Iraq. He doesn't talk about that much, but sometimes he's kind of weird. But he's a really cool guy if you get to know him.

Sandra3124: Anyway, I wanted to ask you guys a question.
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Yup?
RaqVet25: ?
Sandra3124: You know those chain mails-
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Those are still a thing?
RaqVet25: OH FUCK NO!
Sandra3124: Oh fuck yes!
Sandra3124: One of my buddies on DA sent me this chainmail. If we all wish exactly the same thing at exactly the same time, it will come true at 11:11 tonight. Today being 11-11-11 of course, which is the Skyrim launch and also some kind of war memorial day in countries that aren't ours.
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: It's Remembrance Day, you ignorant bitch.
SublimeVirtuoso: yeah, that's actually like, super offensive
SublimeVirtuoso: it's a very important day for British people
SublimeVirtuoso: it's when we honour the sacrifice of those who fought and died for us
RaqVet25: What's DA?
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: which timezone
SublimeVirtuoso: Probably Nigerian time.
Sandra3124: West African Time, I checked

No response for like 5 minutes. I pushed a bit.

Sandra3124: I was wondering if you wanted to try it out. It probably won't work, but...
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: but?
Sandra3124: hehe I made you say but
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: wat
Sandra3124: moving on then! we trying
SublimeVirtuoso: We can try it out, and what's with the sudden drop in grammatical prowess?
Sandra3124: dunno
SublimeVirtuoso: What do we wish for? An orange?
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i want a million dollars
RaqVet25: I wish my PTSD would go away...
Sandra3124: absolutely not! It's only good for one wish! It's gotta be something good!
Sandra3124: not to mention it has to be a wish to be in Mass Effect, or this chapter would be a giant waste of space
Sandra3124: we did agree to rip off tmw right guys?
SublimeVirtuoso: I thought we were doing Mass Vexations and that weird British one...

After that comes the internet version of an awkward pause. I drum my fingers against the table impatiently.

SublimeVirtuoso: If we do this
SublimeVirtuoso: We should wish to be in Mass Effect 2
RaqVet25: why 2?
SublimeVirtuoso: because I haven't played one
RaqVet25: fair enough
SublimeVirtuoso: wait, did it work for your friend?
Sandra3124: Yeah, she wished for a red sports car, and one showed up in her driveway the next day. It was in her LiveJournal!
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: which fucking year is it again?
SublimeVirtuoso: there are so many things wrong with that
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Can't we at least wish for something normal... like money?
SublimeVirtuoso: Nope, gotta be ME2.
RaqVet25: Why? Why a self-insert?
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: is being in a self-insert even a good idea?
SublimeVirtuoso: At sober second thought, this may not be a good plan.
Sandra3124: No arguing, it makes us look bad.

I check the clock. It's almost time. We've got to hurry!

Sandra3124: Guys, we've got to do this now or never!
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: Shouldn't we set parameters?
Sandra3124: No time! Everyone ready?
SublimeVirtuoso: As ready as ever.
Ultra_Elite_Engineer: i guess
RaqVet25: Cleared hot!
Sandra3124: 1234go!

Chris7221 Presents

Super Awesome Self Insert

Part One: Insert Obligatory Physics Joke Here