It had been 2 months since that first hand job the two had shared and they were becoming a frequent thing. Tsukishima also no longer bothered to untangle their bodies if he was the first to wake. He liked the slight blush on Yamaguchi's face when he would realize how much he clung to the taller man. He liked the way Yamaguchi would bury his face in Tsukishima's shirt and mumble "sorry Tsukki." He liked the way the blush would grow when he worked his hand against Yamaguchi's erection. He liked the moans that slipped from his mouth as he worked him to a frenzy and he really liked how Yamaguchi always moaned "Tsukki" when he came.

What Tsukishima didn't like was the total lack of progress in their relationship. Both physically and emotionally. He had never even kissed Yamaguchi. He didn't expect full blown sex. He could completely understand the lack of that, but every time he had leaned in to kiss him, Yamaguchi would turn his head so Tsukishima ended up kissing his cheek. And they never talked about what they did. Outside of their bed Yamaguchi acted as though nothing had changed. Like Tsukishima was still just his best friend.

Two weeks after that first hand job and after they had shared at least three more the two of them had been in the schools cafe area when Yamaguchi mention a girl who had been staring at Tsukishima. He said "She seems interested in you, don't you have a couple of classes with her?" Tsukishima had mumbled an affirmative and Yamaguchi had said "She's cute, you should ask her out." Tsukishima had been shocked and had just stared at his friend. When he finally responded he said "what the fuck is wrong with you." In hindsight, not the best response. Yamaguchi's face had fallen and he had run off.

They had recovered from the incident, but it made Tsukishima realize that Yamaguchi's self esteem was shit. This morning he was determined to change at least some aspect of their relationship. He was the first one awake the second time they woke up. It was Sunday so there was no practice. They had both been awakened briefly at their body's normal wake-up time and had to go to the bathroom and take a piss. Having taken care of that they both quickly fell back asleep. There had been a tournament Saturday and they were exhausted. The second time Tsukishima woke up he was sprawled out half on top of Yamaguchi. This left the smaller male perfectly spread out on his back.

Tsukishima took a minute to just stare at him. The clothes he was wearing swallowed him which was disappointing. That was another thing Tsukishima didn't like. Yamaguchi always wore those ridiculous too big sweatshirts. He had not seen him without a shirt since before the incident. Before Yamaguchi changed with everyone else in the locker rooms, but Tsukishima was sure that in the past year and a half his body would have changed some. He wanted to at least see him. Even if his body hadn't changed, Tsukishima knew he would see him differently now. As a lover, not a friend.

Tsukishima hardened his resolve and moved down the bed. He pushed down on Yamaguchi's sleep pants enough to pull out his flaccid cock and he took an experimental lick. He licked again and then slipped his mouth over the head and began a slow suction. Yamaguchi started to get hard and he started moving around because he was waking up. He was fully hard before he was awake enough to comprehend that he was not dreaming. He moaned deep while tugging a fistful of blonde locks "Tsukki s-st-stop."

Tsukishima didn't stop. He applied more suction and did everything he could remember having had done to him that he enjoyed. Yamaguchi's voice was alternating between tortured moans and reasons Tsukishima shouldn't continue "T-tsu-tsukki ah um ah Tsukki...please...you...y-you sh-sh-shouldn't do that...s'dirty...mmm...ah...Tsukki...you have to...oh god...Tsukki stop!" On the last cry he shot into Tsukishima's mouth. Tsukishima almost choked, but he swallowed and continued to suck as Yamaguchi came down from his orgasm. Tsukishima crawled up and stared down into Yamaguchi's dazed eyes "Tsukki, why would you do that? Why?" The last was a broken, choked sob.

Tsukishima sighed "I love you Tadashi."

And with that Yamaguchi fled.

Tsukishima was worried when Yamaguchi didn't come home that night. He had sent a ridiculous number of texts to him throughout the day and all had gone unanswered. He had also tried calling, but it had gone to voice mail. He ended up sleeping with his phone in his hand. He was afraid Yamaguchi would call and he would miss it. The next morning Yamaguchi was not at practice either. He went to the room he knew Yamaguchi had his first class in and became even more panicked when he did not show up for that either. Yamaguchi doesn't ditch classes. Shit where could he be.

Tsukishima was late for his first class and considered skipping his second, but he had a test. When the test was over he left class and check his phone. It was dead. He was heading back to his room to charge it when one of his professors stopped him. "Mr. Tsukishima I am glad I ran into you, I was wondering if you might have a minute to discuss the paper you did for class."

"I'm sorry Dr. Yamazaki. I am really in a hurry. Can I come by your office later?"

"It will only take a minute and I think you will find the discussion very beneficial to your future, I have a lot of connections and I think I can get you an internship at the local museum if your interested."

Shit "That would be amazing. Lead the way."

A few minutes turned into forty five, but Tsukishima now had an interview with a curator at the local museum. The internship would be incredible, but he couldn't even celebrate. He was too worried about Yamaguchi. Even more so when he got back to their room and he saw that he still had not been there.

Tsukishima plugged in his phone and watched as it came to life. It seemed to take for ever. Then he got a lifeline, a message, from Yamaguchi.

I have some things that I need to tell you, but I need to do so on my terms, where I am comfortable. If you meant what you said yesterday, meet me at the address below at Noon.

Tsukishima looked at the address that followed and then looked at the time 11:52. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck! That's on the other side of town. I'll never make it, not even close. I couldn't make it to the cafe by Noon. He tried to call Yamaguchi but there was no answer. He dropped the phone and ran. He made it to the station outside the school in record time and was thankful for the lack of people on the platform. He made the 12:00 train just barely. He got off at the stop he needed and ran to the street indicated in the address he had memorized. He searched for the building and when he found it noted that it looked like an office building. When he went inside he gave the front desk the address he needed and said he was supposed to meet a friend. They gave him directions and he took the elevator up and stepped off into a waiting area.

An elderly receptionist with a stern face looked up "Can I help you sir?"

"Tsukishima Kei. I was supposed to meet someone here." He was completely out of breath from all the running, but as he bent over to brace himself on his knees he caught the softening of woman's expression. "So you're Tsukki. Glad you made it, but your late." He didn't realize she had come closer until she bonked him on the head. He didn't even get a chance to say anything before she continued "I'll let them know your here."

She walked back to her desk and picked up a phone and announced his arrival "you may go in now."

He walked over to the office door and opened it. Upon doing so he noticed two things at once. First that there was a middle aged woman with glasses sitting at a desk with a name plate that read Dr. Mitsuoka. And second he noticed Yamaguchi who was to the side blocked by the door so Tsukishima did not see him until he was all the way inside. Yamaguchi had been crying, a lot. His face was tear stained and blotchy and somehow he looked smaller that Tsukishima had ever seen him look before. He also was intently focused on the floor. "Yamaguchi, I'm sorry. I slept with my phone last night because I didn't want to miss it if you called. I didn't know it was dead until after I got out of a meeting with Dr. Yamazaki. I didn't get your message until almost Noon. I..."

Dr. Mitsuoka spoke "You're here now. Why don't you have a seat. I am and I am Yamaguchi Psychiatrist. It is nice to finally get to meet you. I have heard a great deal about you."

Psychiatrist, not psychologist, not therapist, PSYCHIATRIST. Hard core mental assistance. The kind that prescribes drugs and can make recommendations to have you locked up.

Tsukishima was pulled out of his rambling thoughts when Yamaguchi finally spoke, his voice was shaky, but he was no longer crying "Thanks for coming."

"Yamaguchi I..."

"Please don't say anything. I have a lot of stuff that I need to tell you and I need you to just listen because if you interrupt me I may not be able to make it through. And unless I tell you, this thing with us is not going to work. If you meant what you said yesterday, you need to know everything and once you do if you change your mind, I'll understand."

"Yamagu"

"I said no talking."

Tsukishima nodded his head to indicate Yamaguchi should continue.

Yamaguchi took a deep breath and started "So, from the beginning then. Early on you and some others made comments about the bastard that raped me and how I should press charges against the guy and he should pay for what he did. Well, my parents and Dr. Mitsuoka are the only ones that know this, but... it wasn't one guy. There were four of them. They beat me up and then they took turns raping me." Yamaguchi had to pause for a second as fresh tears had started rolling down his cheeks. He was looking everywhere but Tsukishima, fearing he would see disgust on his face. "They used my mouth too. I wanted to die. Sometimes I still want to die, but I take anti-depressants now and they help a lot. When I first came home from the hospital though I was not on anything. The hospital had encouraged my parents to have me see a therapist, but they were afraid of what Dad's business partners would think so they refused the offered referrals."

"The first night home the pain was overwhelming, both mentally and at that point I was still in a lot of physical pain. My parents were downstairs making dinner and I just remember wanting the pain to stop. So I took the entire bottle of painkillers that the hospital sent home with me. Then I panicked that those would not be enough and I went to my parents room and got into their bathroom and took some of my Dad's heart medication. It was really stupid because my Mom found me almost immediately. I was fading out of consciousness when I heard her screaming. I woke up back in the hospital."

"The second time was two months after it happened. My parents were going out of town because my Grandfather on my Dad's side was dying. Dad wanted to say goodbye. I had gotten really good at faking being OK around them and I convinced them that I shouldn't miss anymore school. They really thought it was fine to just leave me. I waited until they had left and even waited to make sure they were not turning around because they missed anything. Once I knew they would not be coming back because if they did they would miss their flight, I slit my wrists. I did it right too. I made sure I would die." As he said this he pulled back the sleeves of his ridiculous sweatshirt and Tsukishima saw the ugly vertical scars running up both wrists. From the base of his hand to about two inches above it. Oh my god. He should be dead. How is he still here? How do I still have him in my life? How did I not know any of this?

Tsukishima felt tears rolling down his own face as Yamaguchi continued "Their flight had been canceled and they had been scheduled on a later one. Dad wanted to wait at the airport, but since they hadn't checked their bags yet Mom wanted to go home and come back. By the time I had finally decided to do it because I thought I had waited long enough it turns out I had waited to long. They were almost back home. I was unconscious when they found me that time. I barely made it and had to have a lot of blood. My Dad didn't get to say goodbye to his Father. He didn't even get to attend the funeral. He was too busy having to deal with his fucked up son."

"After that they checked me into a metal facility. I spent two weeks there and it did help. I met some other people who also had some serious issues. When I was released, I started seeing Dr. Mituoka four times a week as part of my outpatient therapy. Now I am down to twice a week. The last couple of months, most of our sessions have revolved around you."

"I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember, but you were always this unattainable dream. I was OK with that. You were my friend and that was enough. I think the worst part of that first year was having you pity me. When we moved in together I felt like things were going back to normal. You were the untouchable pussy magnet Tsukishima Kei and I was your gay best friend who followed you around like a puppy. Then you touched me in a way you never had before and you kept touching me and I told myself that this, what you were doing for me, was the worst kind of pity. And I was the lowest form of scum for accepting it every time."

"Yesterday you shattered all of my illusions of what our relationship was and..." Yamaguchi's breathe hitched as he started to cry again "damn you, you gave me something I haven't had in years. You gave me hope. Hope that I wasn't dirty. Hope that I wasn't worthless. Hope that someone could love me." That last sentence was said in a whisper.

"I need you to know that I am a train wreck. And sometimes I have good days, but sometimes I have really dark days, days where I struggle to get out of bed and I wonder what the point of all of it is. I also need you to understand that I don't know if I will ever be capable of having anal sex. I know there are other things we can do, but you deserve to be with someone who can give you everything and I'm not sure that I will ever be able to. So I need you to take everything that I told you and think about it. I'll give you some space. Hinata said I could stay with them as long as I needed to so"

Yamaguchi was cut off with a squeak when he was yanked up out of the chair and into Tsukishima's arms. "Like hell. I am taking you home."

"Tsukki...are you crying?"

"Of course I am crying. Tch sometimes you are so stupid it hurts."

"Sorry Tsukki...I"

"No you shut up. Now it's my turn to talk. Yamaguchi Tadashi you have been my best friend for as long as I can remember. I can't pinpoint the day, hour, minute that those feelings changed but you are my whole world. I'm not letting you go. Not for another second." Now they were both crying, Tsukishima whispered "I can't believe I almost lost you and I didn't even know it."

One of Tsukishima's thumbs was tracing over the scar on one of his wrists. It felt surreal and in a way nice. Tsukishima knew everything now and he still wanted to be with him.

"Tsukki, take me home."