Hey all!

Okay, so I've had an idea for a while that I would like to dabble a little in short stories, one shots, drabbles, and stand alones (anyone have any idea what the difference is between all those, or are they basically different names for the same thing? Oh well.) Right now I don't feel like I can tackle another full length story, but I love to write and want to keep doing it. I also want to challenge myself by writing in styles and genres I'm not used to (i.e.—first person, tragedy, humor, non-prominent characters, etc. etc.)

So, with that in mind, I'm asking you all for help and suggestions. If you have something you would like to see me write about, just send me a message with your suggestion. It can be as vague or as detailed as you would like. You can pick the characters, the time frame, the genre, etc. (sorry, please no turtlecest requests—just not into that). I'm counting on you all to prod my muse into action. This is going to be so much fun!

So here is something to start this ride out. I was going through some old files on my computer and I came across this little story. It was actually something I wrote right after getting sucked into the world of TMNT but never posted. In fact, I think it's the first thing I ever wrote in this fandom, but I kinda like it. It's a one shot that takes place at the end of the 2007 TMNT CGI movie, offering a little closure that I didn't think the movie provided. I hope you enjoy.

ME WITHOUT YOU

Category: 2007 Movie Verse

Genre: Good ol' sap and brotherly love

Rating: K+ (for brief allusions to graphic violence)

Characters: Leo and Raph (with mentions of others)

Summary: Leo and Raph have a heart to heart about Leo's time away in Central America.

There was a soft, almost timid sounding knock on the frame of my open doorway. I looked up from my book in surprise, wondering who would still be up at this late hour. Or early hour, depending on how you looked at it. Normally I'd be asleep myself, but I was still suffering from the effects of whatever drug the stone General's had used on me, not to mention lingering jet lag from the journey back from Central America. I had succumbed to a late afternoon nap, and the result was that I was wide awake while the rest of the lair hovered in the eerie silence of early morning.

But apparently I wasn't the only one suffering from lack of sleep.

A dark shape hovered in the heavy shadows just outside the light from my lamp, but I instinctively knew who it was. I levered myself up into a sitting position, my shell to the wall, carefully keeping my face neutral as I called out a greeting. "Hey Raph."

There was a short grunt from the darkness and then Raph stepped forward, his features revealed by the light for the first time. He seemed oddly hesitant and unsure, his eyes darting around the room before coming to rest on me. "Hey," he replied distractedly, his gaze flickering down to the book in my lap, then quickly back up again. "I just saw your light on and thought…" he trailed off uncertainly, standing in the doorway awkwardly, looking as though he was already regretting knocking.

"I couldn't sleep," I admitted with a shrug, closing the book and setting it on the nightstand. "I'm still trying to get my days and nights straightened out." I was also trying to adjust to the quiet. I had grown used to nights filled with the never ending songs of the jungle, and the silence in the lair was deafening by comparison.

Raph nodded, hesitating for a moment longer before letting out a small sigh and coming the rest of the way into the room, sinking down onto the far end of the bed. I watched as he picked at the coverlet, thinking of the thousands of other times Raph had come to me late at night to discuss whatever was on his mind. Those times had come fewer and farther in between over the last few years before I had left for my training, an undeniable distance growing between us.

It saddened me, for when were younger we had been very close. I had spent countless hours trying to figure out exactly what was coming between me and my younger brother, but in the end I had just had to settle for the fact that we were simply growing apart.

I know it had started when Splinter named me leader of our clan. At first I had thought it was a mere matter of jealousy, but I since realized that it was something much deeper than that. I had thrown everything I had into training harder and longer, determined to prove myself worthy of the leader I had been named, to grow in strength and skill so that I would always be able to protect my family. It had changed me, in ways that I hadn't even been aware of at first.

Perhaps those changes were what had torn the gap between us. It seemed that the harder I tried to be a good leader, the best leader I possibly could, the more Raph grew to resent and distance himself from me. He couldn't accept the changes in me, which meant he couldn't accept me. It hurt. It had hurt before I left for my training, and it still hurt, because the truth was, I missed my brother. I missed our adventures and our late night talks. I missed having someone to confide in, to share my burdens with and in turn have him share his with me. Casey was the one Raph went to now, and as much as I liked Jones, I also couldn't help but feel jealous of him as well.

I just wanted my brother to talk to me again.

As if reading my mind, Raph shifted on the bed and looked up, meeting my gaze. "What was it like?" he asked suddenly, his voice so soft as to be nearly a whisper.

I blinked at him in confusion for a moment, my brain not quite comprehending what he was asking. Then it suddenly clicked home. "You mean Central America?" I asked hesitantly.

Raph nodded, his gaze still fixed to mine. There was something unreadable in his expression, and this time I was the one who looked away, turning to study a spot on the ceiling. I hadn't been expecting this question, and it took me a moment to gather my thoughts.

"It was different," I finally replied. "I mean really different. About as opposite from the city as you can get." I paused, remembering how I had felt when I had first arrived in Central America: the overwhelming sights and scents that had bombarded my senses. "Even the air was different…thicker and wetter. It was almost like breathing water. But it smelled so fresh and clean. And the trees…Raph, I have never seen so many trees in my entire life. They stretched on as far as the eye could see. There were so many strange animals there as well. Birds so colorful it almost hurt your eyes to look at them…" I trailed off, turning to glance at him, needing to gauge his reaction to my words. The whole time I had been over there I had dreamed of sharing my experience with my brothers, telling them of my adventures and all the wonderful sights I had seen. But now, under the circumstances, I feared that it might just be like pouring salt on an open wound.

Raph's expression was still unreadable, but he jutted out his chin in an indication that I should continue.

I hesitated for a moment longer, but then suddenly found myself talking, unloading all the details of the strange and wonderful land that I had called home for over a year. I told him about what it was like living in the forest, the struggle to find food and shelter, the sudden rains that would hit unexpectedly and leave you feeling as though a barrel of water had been upended over your head. I told him about the excitement I had felt when I first discovered the cave I would later make my home, and the beautiful waterfall less then half a mile from the cave that I had used for water and bathing. I told him about the exotic animals I had encountered, the panther that had shared territory with me for several months. Remembering his aversion to anything creepy-crawly, I left out the details about the large insects and spiders I had come across, some as big as dinner plates. I figured he wouldn't really believe me even if I told him.

"And then there were the villages…" I shook my head as I remembered. "I steered clear of them at first, but eventually I started watching them from a distance. The people there were so different from New Yorkers. Their houses were all really small…we could probably fit about a dozen of them in the lair…and made out of straw and mud. They didn't have stores or restaurants…instead, they raised or grew all their own food. And the people were so close. It was almost like they were one big family. The kids ran around free with no worries, and all the adults shared the work. They did a lot of singing. It was really strange watching them, but also beautiful."

I swallowed, my mouth feeling dry from talking so much. I glanced over at my brother and found him looking at me with a strange expression, almost wistful.

"Sounds wonderful," he murmured into the sudden silence. "I knew it had to be pretty great…ya know…to make you forget about us for so long." Surprisingly, there was no accusation or bitterness in his tone. If anything, his voice was carefully neutral, but I knew my brother well enough to pick up the slight undertone of sadness in the casually spoken words.

Suddenly I remembered what Sensei had told me when I had returned. He had welcomed me without condemnation, but had urged me to talk to Raph, indicating that my brother had been the one most affected by my long absence. At the time, I had dismissed his words, not sure that I believed him. Afterall, Raph and I hadn't parted on the best of terms. We had been constantly arguing, getting on each others nerves at the drop of a pin. Of all my brothers, I figured Raph would miss me the least…would in fact be glad of my absence.

Now, staring at him across the bed, I began to wonder if I had perhaps been wrong. If maybe the gap between us wasn't as large as I had supposed, if maybe Raph had missed me as much as I had missed him.

"I didn't forget about you, Raph," I stated softly. "Not any of you. Not for a single day." Our eyes met, and I willed Raph to read the truth in my expression.

He frowned slightly, his eyes darting away and coming to rest on a spot on my blanket. "So what happened, then?" He asked softly, his voice again surprisingly void of anger or accusation, simply curious.

It was a simple question…the one I had been expecting…and dreading…all along. Of course, that didn't mean I was any more ready to answer it. For Sensei, a simple explanation of getting too caught up in my own world had been enough, but I knew it wouldn't work for Raph. And in truth, I knew I owed him a better explanation. I just wasn't sure what to tell him. How do you explain something that you don't fully understand yourself?

I let out a deep sigh, leaning my head back against the wall behind me. I struggled to collect my thoughts, only too aware of my brother waiting expectantly beside me. I wasn't sure I had an answer that would satisfy him, but I needed to try if I wanted any hope of repairing the torn relationship between us.

"When Sensei first told me he wanted me to leave for a few months to go and train, I really had no idea how to feel," I began hesitantly. "I'd been feeling for some time that something was…off…with me, but I couldn't really put a finger on why that was. Shredder was defeated and our enemies were staying low…I figured I was just adjusting to all the new changes. I should have been feeling good…relaxed, but instead I just kept getting more and more tense. I was short-tempered and harsh with you guys, and though I always hated myself afterwards, I couldn't seem to stop. I guess Splinter picked up on my unrest and that is why he decided to send me away."

I paused there, staring at a spot on the ceiling, remembering the mixed feelings I had felt upon learning I would be spending the next couple of months thousands of miles from my family, in another country. The furthest I had ever been from my home was Casey's grandmother's farm a few hours away. At the time, Central America had seemed like the other side of the world to me. To say I was apprehensive would have been a vast understatement, but a part of me was also intrigued, even a little excited. It had seemed like a grand new adventure, and a part of me was actually eager to get away for a while.

If only I had known what was in store for me.

"When I got there," I continued my story, "everything was so overwhelming. The sights, the sound, the people…it was all so strange and new. At first I was caught up in just trying to figure out how to survive, and believe me when I say, that was harder than you might think. If not for all my training, I don't think I would have lasted one week in that jungle, let alone the three months Master Splinter had set for my training period."

I let out a small laugh, shaking my head ruefully as I turned to look at Raph for the first time since I started my story. "It seemed like such a great adventure at first. I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had no one to answer to, no rules to follow, no one to worry about except myself. It had been a long time since I had felt so free, and it was awesome."

One corner of Raph's mouth turned up slightly in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess that would be pretty awesome," he conceded, looking away from me and staring at a spot on the far wall. "Hell, I guess three months away from Mikey would be enough to get anyone excited."

I shook my head. "It was awesome," I repeated, "for like the first week. Then, I woke up one morning to a whole flock of birds singing and squawking from the trees all around me. It was pretty spectacular, and I was completely caught up in the show. Then suddenly I started thinking about Mikey, and how if he were there, he would probably try to sketch all the different birds he saw, or how Donnie would go on and on about the variety of species represented and their ecological role in the forest ecosystem. And you would make fun of us all for being so enamored by a bunch of stupid birds."

I stopped, remembering then how the loneliness had hit me from out of nowhere, stealing my breath and leaving my chest aching. I had thought of my brothers and my father, and suddenly I had wanted nothing more than to go back home…leave the wonders of the jungle behind me and just hurry back as quickly as I could.

"It was pretty pathetic, actually." I admitted quietly. "Suddenly I felt like a little kid at his first slumber party, surrounded by fun, but just wanting to go home." I glanced at Raph from the corner of my eye, half expecting him to make fun of me for my admission of being homesick.

He turned to look at me, but I saw no amusement on his face, "If you really missed us all so much, then why did you stay away so long?" he asked simply. "And why did you write to us for a few months and then all of a sudden stop? We had no idea what to think, Leo. For a while there we wondered if you were even still alive!"

And here it was…the anger and betrayal Raph had been keeping so carefully in check was bleeding out in his words, in the look in his eyes as he stared at me. I knew he deserved a good explanation for my behavior, I just wasn't sure I had one for him.

"I know," I whispered, "And I'm sorry, Raph…I really am. I know that doesn't make up for it, but it's the truth. After that first week, everything just got so hard. I knew Master Splinter had sent me to train, to hone my mind and to expand my strength, I just didn't know how. I didn't really know what it was he wanted from me, or how to know it when I achieved it. The last thing I wanted was to come home a failure, but no matter how hard I tried, I still didn't feel like I was accomplishing anything! I was so frustrated. Time just kept flowing by, the end of my training was fast approaching, and yet I felt like I had nothing to show for it!"

Suddenly unable to sit still any longer, I jumped from the bed, pacing the small confines of the room like some caged animal.

"And what made everything worse," I continued harshly, my tone dripping with self condemnation, "was I couldn't stop thinking about home…about you guys. I would obsess about it! I couldn't sit down to meditate or go for a run through the jungle without thoughts of you guys interfering with my concentration. I'd wonder about Don, and whether he was getting enough rest or staying up all night tinkering with his inventions. I worried about Mikey growing fat and lazy watching TV all day and shirking all his training. I worried about you…wandering off in search of a good time and ending up with your head bashed in. There wasn't a scenario that I didn't consider and worry about. It was driving me crazy!"

I paused in my pacing, turning to find Raph staring at me in barely veiled surprise, my admission having obviously caught him off guard.

"It just kept getting worse," I admitted bitterly. "Every time I wrote to you guys, knowing all along that you couldn't write back, I worried a little more. I wanted nothing more than to rush home and make sure you were all alright, but at the same time, I couldn't stand the thought of facing Master Splinter with my failure. Then one day, it all just sort of dawned on me…"

"What dawned on you?" Raph asked quietly when I didn't immediately continue.

I shrugged, looking away. "That maybe this was exactly why Sensei sent me away in the first place. He has always told me that as the leader, I sometimes take on too much…worry too much, and that I allow it to cloud my vision. He has always sought to teach me the balance between being a leader and…well," I glanced at Raph from the corner of my eye, "…and mothering you all too much."

Raph snorted, drawing one knee up and clasping his hands around it. "Well, he's right about that," he stated dryly. "You've always been a bit of a mother hen, Leo. We're grown turtles, ya know, ninjas, perfectly capable of looking out for ourselves."

I winced a little at his statement, remembering the harsh words thrown between us only a few nights ago. I didn't think I could admit to my brother the full realization I had finally made in that jungle. The realization that my family might not need me as much as I thought they did, that in fact, I might need them more than they needed me. That realization had hurt more than I cared to admit. It was then that I had stopped writing, and I still didn't know whether it was more to punish them, or to punish me.

"I just knew I couldn't let things continue the way they were," I answered quietly, turning away to stare into the distance. "I had to find a way to let go of my worry…to let go of you guys and turn my focus onto me! I had to figure out how to be me without you, if that makes sense. It was the only way I was going to achieve what Master Splinter sent me away for in the first place."

Raph let out a small sound, but I didn't turn to look at him. "So let me guess," he muttered, "you got so focused on you that you completely forgot about us? No doing things halfway for you is there, Fearless?"

I hid my wince at his words, knowing I deserved them and also knowing that, if not entirely accurate, there was a grain of truth to his statement. I had tried to forget my brothers, pushing thoughts of them to the farthest corners of my mind, refusing to allow them to continue to distract me. And most of the time I was successful. Well, okay, to be honest I was only successful about half of the time, but at least I was no longer driving myself crazy with thoughts of home and worries over what might be happening without me.

"I learned to focus better, yes," I answered simply, turning back to face my brother. "But that doesn't mean I forgot about you guys. I just felt like something was missing…like I hadn't completed what Splinter had sent me out to do. I had wasted so much time worrying about home that now I felt I needed to make up for it by staying longer and working harder than ever. It was the only option I had that I felt wouldn't dishonor our Master. Dishonor myself."

"Okay," Raph conceded, cocking his head to one side. "But a year, Leo? Seems a bit much, even for a perfectionist like yourself."

"I didn't want to stay that long," I admitted. "I never meant to stay that long. Truthfully, after about eight months I was making plans to come home. I still wasn't sure I had accomplished what I was meant to, but I was planning to come anyway. I just couldn't stay away any longer."

"And yet you did," Raph pointed out. "So what happened?"

"A local drug lord decided to move into the area," I answered simply, moving back to the bed and flopping down on the edge. "His name was Carlos Santoria, and he could have been Hun's twin when it comes to personality. All he cared about was drugs, money, and power, and he didn't care who he trampled in order to achieve them. He began sending his goons out into the villages in the jungle. They would rob them and then demand that they pay "protection" money to Santoria. But that wasn't the worst."

I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, remembering the first time I had come across one of the villages Santoria's men had just visited. The sound of weeping had carried to me in the forest and I had crept closer to check it out. What I had witnessed had sickened me beyond words.

"One of the villages tried to resist. Santoria's men executed five of the villagers as an example, then dragged away several of the young men and women. I found out later he was forcing the boys into acting as his drug runners, and as for the girls…" I trailed off, not really wanting to continue. From the look on Raph's face, he didn't really need me to anyway.

"That was the worst," I continued. "Mostly Santoria just robbed them, with an occasional beating to prove his point, but by then the villagers all knew what he was capable of, and they were too scared to resist him. I couldn't just stand by and do nothing. I had to help them, Raph, in whatever little way that I could. I began picking off their raiding parties as they moved through the jungle. I didn't get them all, but I got enough to spook them. And the amazing part is, I finally felt like I was accomplishing something…like I finally had a purpose for being there! It was hard work. I was just one guy, and Santoria seemed to have an endless supply of thugs at his disposal. I barely slept and exhausted myself running between villages, but at least I was doing something, and it felt right."

I glanced toward my brother, hoping he would understand. Raph looked back at me evenly, something bright and honest flickering in his gaze . "Yeah, I know what you mean," he said quietly. "Sometimes you can't just sit back and do nothin'."

I blinked at him, opening my mouth to reply when sudden realization hit. An image of Raph standing before me in his Nightwatcher gear flashed through my mind, his words echoing through my brain: "at least the nightwatcher is doing something!"

I shut my mouth with an audible click.

When I had left, Splinter and I had discussed the best course of action for the family during my absence. We had decided that it would be safest if my brothers ceased the nightly patrols and refrained from any unnecessary confrontations while I was gone. I had known at the time that this order would be the hardest for my hot-headed brother. Raph was a turtle of action, thriving off the adrenaline high of late night fights and risky roof-top stunts. Predictably, when Splinter and I had made our wishes known, Raphael had been far from happy about it. A part of me had honestly expected Raphael to disobey. A few late night scuffles when he was out with Casey was all but inevitable, really, and I hadn't worried too much about it. I was confident even Raph could keep himself under control for three months.

But then three months had turned to fourteen months.

I had come home and learned that my brother had been spending who knows how long masquerading as some late night vigilante. He had put not only himself in danger, but the rest of the family as well, and I had been furious. If he had been caught… I could still remember how my worry and fear had converted into white hot anger, the force of which had caught even me off guard. I had spat venomous and hateful words at my brother, the result of which still sat like a led ball in the pit of my stomach.

I had gone away to become a better leader, and yet in less then three days of returning home, I had failed at it miserably. The shame of that was something I wasn't sure I would ever overcome.

The worst part was, in my anger, I hadn't put any thought into why Raphael would have done what he had done. If I had, I might have come to realize sooner that I was as much responsible for what had happened as Raph was.

As it was, the realization was just now fully hitting me.

Raphael was a protector by nature, one of the things we shared in common. When he saw someone in need, he had no choice but to step in (or as was often the case with Raphael, dive in) and help. It was simply a part of who he was. When I left, I had asked him to put that part of himself on hold. Perhaps that request wouldn't have been so absurd if I had returned when I was supposed to. But I hadn't. Instead, I had stayed away for well over a year, in effect, turning my reasonable request into something much more selfish and cruel. No wonder he had grown so angry and bitter during my absence. I had asked the impossible of him and then abandoned him, expecting him to be able to change the very nature of who he was. Had I honestly expected him to just sit idly by for over a year, patiently waiting for my return? It seemed so absurd to even think about, but in essence, that was exactly what I had asked of him. Of course my brother couldn't just sit and do nothing while I was gone, any more than I was able to sit and do nothing in that jungle.

It was a bitter truth to accept. And there was more too it than that. Now that I had finally realized the reasoning behind my brother's actions, I had to face the reason behind my own violent reaction.

"I was jealous, you know," I whispered, swallowing hard and forcing myself to meet Raph's gaze.

He frowned, his features twisting in obvious confusion. "Jealous of what?" he asked.

"The Nightwatcher." I replied simply. His eyes widened in surprise, and I pushed to continue. "When I came home, Mikey kept going on and on about him. How great he was and how much good he was doing. I guess I felt a little guilty as well, knowing this guy was out there doing our job. Even Donnie was impressed with the guy, though he did a better job of hiding it. And then you…" I trailed off, remembering Raph's heated words to me about the Nightwatcher. It had struck a nerve with me, hearing my brother's words of respect and praise for the night-time vigilante while simultaneously treating me with such cold disdain.

Raph stared at me, his expression flickering between defiance and regret, his posture stiff. He wasn't sure where I was going with this, but he was ready to defend.

"It's okay," I told him calmly. "I get it now. What I asked of you…it was...unreasonable. I can't really say I'm thrilled with how you went about it, but I wasn't here, and you couldn't just sit back and do nothing. I get that now, Raph."

He looked at me searchingly for a moment, as though trying to ascertain the truth in my words. Then he bit his lip, dropping his gaze down toward his lap.

I couldn't just leave it at that, so I reached out and grabbed his forearm, squeezing lightly to get his attention. "But I want you to know," I told him firmly, "last night…fighting against the stone generals…I wasn't fighting beside the Nightwatcher. I was fighting beside my brother!" I grinned slightly. "I'd kinda like to keep it that way, if you don't mind. He makes me stronger…"

Raph let out a small snort, lifting his head to look at me. I couldn't be sure, but his eyes seemed to be shining brighter than they had been a moment ago. It was probably just a trick of the light. Raphael did not cry…ever. "I'm just glad you got your ass home before that whole thing went down." He stated gruffly. "We couldn't have done it without you."

The words were simple, but I could hear the emotion in his voice, see it in his eyes as he leveled me with an unwavering stare. Raph was telling me a whole lot more than what his simple words implied. There was forgiveness and acceptance there, maybe even a hint of understanding. It was more than I had expected, but then, I had a bad habit of underestimating my brother.

"Me too, Raph," I replied softly. "Me too."

We sat in silence then, but it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. On the contrary, I felt more at peace than I had in a very long time. It felt almost like the old days. I knew that everything wouldn't automatically be fixed. Too much had happened between us for everything to be instantly forgiven and forgotten….too many misunderstandings, too much hurt and betrayal. But it was a step in the right direction, and for now, that was enough for me

"So," my brother eventually spoke up, "whatever happened with that Santoria guy?"

I sighed, realizing I had never really finished my story. "His guys just kept coming," I answered softly. "No matter how many I took out, he always just sent more to take their place. I was getting tired, Raph. I knew I couldn't keep it up. Then April showed up…"

I remembered how my heart had soared upon seeing her…a little piece of home that had somehow, inexplicably wandered into my lonely world. It had brought the homesickness that I'd managed to hold at bay for months crashing back down on me. She had told me about my brothers, and though I'd been careful not to show it, I had drank down her words like an alcoholic might drink the richest of wines. Learning that not everything was going as smoothly as hoped for at home had just made me want to jump up and race to the nearest airport so I could get home as soon as possible. The only thing that had stopped me was the sure knowledge that I was the only thing standing between Santoria's men and the innocent villagers who had come to depend on me.

April had told me that my brother's needed me, and I had realized then just how badly I had wanted to hear those words…how badly I wanted to believe them. I had made the decision right then and there that I had to go home…after all, my first responsibility was and always would be to my family. Still, I knew I couldn't just abandon the villagers to whatever fate Santoria had in store for them.

"As much as I wanted to come home with April, I had unfinished business there." I told Raph. "I had made the villagers my responsibility, and I had to protect them. The problem was, I knew Santoria wouldn't stop. He would never stop. He would just keep sending more men. I realized then that the only way the villagers would ever really be safe was…well, was if the head was cut of the snake, so to speak."

Raph looked at me steadily. "So, did you? Cut the head off the snake?" he asked.

I nodded, flashes of memory flitting through my mind: a rainy night, the lights of a large compound standing out on a hill, guards walking around with guns, Santoria sitting at his desk, a look of wide eyed terror on his face as my swords slashed down, a spray of red painting the wall behind the desk. I swallowed hard, silently begging my brother not to ask for any more detail.

As a trained ninja who had seen countless battles, I was no innocent when it came to killing. I never took pleasure in taking a life, and tried to avoid it whenever possible, but I did understand its necessity at times. I had killed to protect my family. I had killed to protect myself. I had killed in the heat of battle, where the choices boiled down to them or us.

Santoria had been different. With him, it had been murder, plain and simple. He hadn't died in the heat of battle, he had died sitting behind his desk, terror in his eyes. I hadn't even given him the opportunity to defend himself, not that it would have made any difference if I had. It didn't matter that he was a coldhearted bastard that had ruthlessly ordered the deaths of countless innocents. It didn't matter that killing him was the only way to save the villagers. It didn't even matter that he deserved to die. I had struck him down in cold blood, as heedless of his please for mercy as his men had been to the villagers' pleas. It was an act that I knew would stay with me for the rest of my life, a sour taste in my mouth and a stain on my honor that would never go away.

I could see the curiosity on Raph's face, but he must have seen something in my expression, because he didn't ask. Neither of us spoke for several long minutes, the silence filled with the echoes of memories best forgotten. Finally Raph shifted forward on the bed, pinning me with a strangely intense stare. "So, did you ever figure it out?" he asked.

I gave him a questioning look. "Figure what out?" I asked.

He shrugged, as though it didn't really matter all that much, but he was still looking at me with an intensity that almost made me want to squirm. "That whole 'me without you' stuff you were talking about?" he replied evenly. "Did you figure it out?"

I stared at him, at a momentary loss for words. I knew it was a simple question, but the answer was anything but. I had learned a lot about myself in my months away…some good and some bad, but I still wasn't completely sure I had it figured out yet. Or if I ever would for that matter.

"I'm not sure," I answered hesitantly. "There were times when I thought I had, but…" I trailed off, shaking my head. I felt my cheeks burn with sudden embarrassment, and I almost didn't say anything more, but I forced the words out before I could chicken out, knowing they needed to be said. "I learned one thing for sure, though. I learned that I need you guys. All of you. More than I ever thought I did. Me without you? Well, truthfully it kinda sucked."

And there it was, the bare honesty laid out for whatever scrutiny and derision it deserved. I couldn't meet Raph' gaze, my eyes firmly fixed on the floor, wondering if I had made a mistake with my admission. It didn't seem like such a leader thing to admit to, but I had needed to say it nonetheless. Not as a leader, but as a brother. And maybe therein lay the key to it all…a truth so simple and yet complex beyond understanding.

The silence hung heavy between us, and still I couldn't lift my gaze, couldn't bear to see the expression on my brother's face. I heard him shifting on the bed, and a moment later his hand came to rest on my shoulder. I glanced up then, my blue eyes meeting his green, a world of communication passing between us in just a single glance.

"The other night on the roof," Raph began, pausing for a moment as though searching for the right words. "I told you that we didn't need you, that we had gotten along just fine without you."

I winced, remembering all too well the way those words had pierced through me, hurting more than I wanted to admit, confirming all my secret fears. My response had been to cover the hurt with anger, slashing back with my own words, spewing venom in an effort to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.

Some leader I was.

Raph squeezed my shoulder, as though sensing the direction of my thoughts and wanting to pull me back into the present. "It was all crap, Leo," he stated softly. "All of it. I was just so angry at you for leaving us for so long that I tried to convince myself we didn't need you. But I was wrong. We do need you. We've always needed you."

There was a simple honesty in Raph's face and voice that made me believe him when I otherwise might have doubted. It was a little pathetic how badly I had needed to hear those words, and how much they made my heart soar. If there was one thing my brother and I had gotten good at over the years, it was wounding each other with our words. But words could also heal, and in that moment I felt better than I had in over a year.

"I missed you Raph," I murmured, reaching up to grasp the forearm of the hand still clasping my shoulder.

Raph smiled at me, a genuine smile that I hadn't seen in a long time. "I missed you too, bro. Welcome home."

The End.

Well, there it is. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you thought, and don't forget to send me story ideas (feels a bit like cheating, but oh well)!