Dear Ruka,

It's me, Natsume. I hope you can read this. Somehow. Don't ask me with that usual stupid face how or what. I'll just assume you can.

I was with my mom yesterday. You remember her, right? Intimidating, loud, intrusive...you were pretty scared when you first met her. Anyways, I was with her yesterday. I didn't know why, but she suddenly took the day off and bought me some fast food. It was weird because she always makes me eat healthy shit. But I ate the food without question and ate it as she kept staring at me with those annoying pitiful eyes.

I was wondering why the hell she was like that. I finally finished everything and asked her.

At first, she started beating around the bush and went around in circles. It was extremely annoying. I had to sit there for a good five minutes listening to her rambles. The French fries were cold and the soda was getting stale. I finally snapped to demand what was going on. And she told me.

Everything that went down.

I didn't get it.

I couldn't help but be mad.

Everyone's treating me nicely. Even Aoi stopped bothering me so much. All she did yesterday was sit in the living room in silence, so I didn't get much of a headache as usual. I just ate chips. I even ate it in my bedroom while playing games. I brought food in every once in awhile: lunch, snack, dinner, snack, midnight snack... I kept waiting for someone to tell me off, but no one did. My parents didn't say one word. Aoi didn't tattletale on me - that was the most surprising thing. It was annoying because it felt like...

I still went to class today. You know the bothersome duo Hayate and Reo - don't even get me started on Reo. We hated both of their guts, didn't we? I shouldn't say too many bad things about them because we became friends after you stuck up for me in front of Reo. We both got beat up pretty bad, but that was okay. We went to your house after that and we played and laughed and became friends to - I'm getting off topic. Anyways, I saw them first thing in the morning, and I readied myself.

They didn't taunt or shove me into the lockers. It was so goddamn frustrating that they didn't even look at me. Some part of me snapped as I yanked Reo by the color and smashed his face in with both of my fists. Left. Right. Left. Right. There was some kind of adrenaline rush pulsating in me. It must've been since I had the strength to even kick away Hayate. I punched Reo until he was all black and blue and bloody and disgusting. It felt good. I should've done this a long time ago.

I definitely did get in trouble as the teachers had to pull me away, and that relieved me. Reo was unconscious by the time they arrived, and I was immediately sent to the principal's office. I got a lot of stares in the hallway. A majority of them were pity. A small portion was anger. I wish more of them were angry and disgusted by my actions.

I followed the teachers and sat myself in the chair, expecting an earful. What I didn't realize was that two other students sat next to me in front of the principal's desk. It was weird since I was the only one who was heavily breathing with my bloody fists and sweaty face. The other two were perfectly normal. It took me awhile to clear my head and realize they were Tobita and Hotaru. Your best friend, your class president, and your infamous crush. All sitting in the principal's office.

Principle Yukihira sat in front of us in silence. It was goddamn awkward. He kept twiddling his fingers and shooting concerned looks at me like I was a lunatic. I mean, I don't blame him after what happened. But he didn't ask me why I did that to Reo or why... All of us just stared back at him.

The first words that came out of his mouth was, "...I'm sure all of you have heard..."

I tuned him out after that. All I did was preoccupy myself with two birds in the birdbath outside the window. They were having fun, splashing and chirping as if nothing was wrong. I wish I was one of them. Principal's Yukihira's words entered one of my ears and flew out the other. It was the same conversation I had yesterday with my mother, only there wasn't any fast food. He kept talking and talking as we sat in silence. Tobita was polite. Hotaru had no expression on her face. I watched the principal gesture with his hands as his worried expression constantly flickered back to me.

I realized that they were scared of us...mainly me.

"...If you guys need someone to talk to, just know that we are here. Me. The counselors. The teachers. Your parents are also worried for all of you," he continued and sighed into his hands. "I know you three must be going through a lot. Just...please...don't take the alternative route..."

I wonder if this was what you felt everytime you went to the therapist after school. You would've thought what do they know? Adults know nothing. You would've felt that there was no way for them to help you. You would've been lonely. I started feeling these as he continued rambling on and on. I wished he would just shut up and leave me alone and pretend that nothing happened.

"Ruka was a good straight A student...he was very kind and patient..." the principal said.

You were a nosy asshole at some times. I had to help you study since you were such a klutz. By no means were you patient. You would easily get frustrated with everything and not talk for several hours afterward. That's how a lot of our fights went. You were only putting up a kind image to the other students. I wanted to shake the principal so bad and tell him he was dead wrong. He was wrong. Only I knew you.

"We have learned that Ruka had frequently visited a therapist for certain...issues. His parents were planning to split, and his pet had passed away. We also know the conflict between him and Reo and Hayate." The principal paused a bit as he hesitantly continued, "The...day before yesterday...eleven-thirty at night...Ruka...had committed suicide."

He was wrong.

"We felt that he was unable to trust or confide in anyone else. Therefore -"

All I remember at that time was jumping out of my chair and launching a well-planted fist into the principal's face. He was wrong. Everyone was wrong. I don't know why the hell you would do such a thing. You were probably in some fucking zoo right now enjoying life. You probably ditched school since you loved animals so fucking much.

Tobita, like the perfect student he always was, tried stopping me as Hotaru sat in silence. I really don't like that girl. I don't know why you have such a big crush on her. She's cold. Calculating. Sly. Evil. A blackmailer. She always made your life tougher and even rejected several of your gifts. She made you depressed. She hurt you. She was a bitch.

I remembered shouting a lot of things at her as Tobita pulled me away from the principal. I don't recall the exact words, but I know you would've been extremely mad at me. It must've been hurtful. Because she looked at me with wide eyes and started tearing up before running out the office. The door slammed behind her as the three of us stood without a word spoken.

I made Hotaru Imai cry.

It didn't feel good.

I was pretty much sent home today to "calm" myself down despite all the ruckus I've caused. I should've been expelled according to the rules. But I wasn't. My parents let me be as my sister quietly went out with her friends. I just sat in my room again, munching on food and playing more games. I know you didn't really like games, so we always had to go to the zoo if you were bored or sad. It was burdensome, but you always paid for our tickets.

I don't think you're gone. We had met that day. And you were perfectly fine. There wasn't even a hint of depression emanating from you.

We got ice cream.

We made fun of Reo and Hayate.

We got more ice cream.

We even went to the zoo.

I don't get it.

I don't get anything.

- Natsume