Future fic. Romance. Warning for mention of drug use and blink-and-you'll-miss-it reference to anal fingering, but no sexual content.

"Happy birthday!" Sebastian cheers, tossing a handful of confetti in the air. He's aiming now, Kurt thinks when a second handful smacks him in the cheek while his boyfriend chuckles like a hyena, watching the pastel pieces stick to Kurt's skin and hair.

"Are you going to do that with every gift you give me?"

"Yes," Sebastian answers unapologetically. "But for this one especially." Sebastian drops Kurt's last present in his lap – the largest box of the bunch, about the size of small cat carrier, wrapped in holographic, rose-gold paper. Kurt's eyes open wide.

"What on Earth …?" Kurt picks up the box carefully, expecting it to weigh a ton, but it comes up so quickly that Kurt falls backward on the couch cushions. "What's in here?"

"It's a Greek salad," Sebastian quips. "It's a surprise! I'm not going to tell you what's in it! You have to open it."

"Aright, alright," Kurt mutters, searching for a side with an upturned corner or creased tape to get started. But when he doesn't find one, he simply shoves a fingernail into the gift wrap and slices.

"Wow. Yikes." Sebastian cringes remembering the last, very recent time those fingernails were near his asshole. "When's the last time you trimmed your claws, Cruella?"

"Last full moon," Kurt returns without batting an eye. "Now, shush. I have work to do." Kurt tears through the paper in seconds and tosses it aside, exposing a plain brown box underneath. "O-kay," Kurt says, stymied when he turns it over trying to find a store name or a brand and there isn't one. Not a single clue to what might be inside. He finally stumbles on an openable edge and pulls it, upending the box and shaking it to reveal … another wrapped present. Kurt tosses aside the empty box and picks up the gift, wrapped in the same paper as the first. He looks up at his boyfriend, holding out the second wrapped gift for him to see. "What … what is this?"

"It's a present, silly," Sebastian replies. "Open it."

Kurt stares at Sebastian, blinking in confusion, then returns to his gift. He tears through the paper solemnly and finds another plain brown box. He locates the seam, opens it, turns it over, gives it a shake, and … there's another wrapped present inside. He looks at his snickering boyfriend, unamused.

"Are you high?" Kurt asks.

"Not in the last few hours."

Kurt holds the box up to his ear and shakes it. He hears something shift inside, so he decides to try again, tearing through the paper, opening up the expected plain brown box, and shaking out the contents inside to find … another wrapped present. They're all the same, wrapped in the same shimmery rose-gold paper, only they're getting progressively smaller.

"Is there an actual present somewhere in here?" Kurt asks, scrunching through the wrapping paper beside him on the couch and turning over the boxes he's already opened. "Or is this just some elaborate prank?"

"Hey! I put a lot of work into this," Sebastian complains, "so just stop whining and keep going. I promise it'll be worth it," he adds when Kurt frowns.

Kurt sighs. "Alright," he caves, attacking the next present, tearing through one side of the wrapping till he finds the predictable plain brown box, then ripping into that without even clearing the shredded paper aside. "The man can't close a cereal box competently but he sure as hell can wrap a million boxes," Kurt grouses. Sebastian almost laughs out loud. He watches, thoroughly satisfied with his plan as Kurt goes from wrapped box to wrapped box with a frustrated grunt in between. Though, now that he thinks about it, Sebastian doesn't remember wrapping this many boxes. He might have been a little buzzed at the time.

He couldn't help himself taking a few hits. He needed something to calm his nerves. This is the biggest step they've taken in their relationship. It's not untimely, just huge, and he wants to make sure it goes off as planned, without any hitches. It took him months to figure out the right way to propose. He wants this moment to be memorable but not sappy; a combination of everything they have together that's both distinctly individual and oddly complimentary – Kurt's romantic sensibilities, and Sebastian's off-color humor and snark. He thinks he may have found the perfect balance in this. It's just annoying enough to get Kurt comically irritated, but the pay-off at the end should be more than worth it.

But then old, meaner Sebastian creeps in and offers up an amusing thought - what if Kurt reaches the last box and nothing's in there? Sebastian giggles to himself picturing Kurt's face, how he'd go from curious to furious so fast it would break the sound barrier. But Sebastian wouldn't do that to Kurt, not now. It's only amusing because it's not going to go down that way. There's no way Sebastian's that stupid.

But it's with a cold and sickening terror that Sebastian realizes he's not so sure.

Sebastian tries to shake it off, tries to focus on Kurt's growls and angry murmurs, bouncing between English and French, but the terror won't go away.

The last time Sebastian had Kurt's present - before he put it in that final box and wrapped it, that is – was in the pocket of his lounge pants … the same lounge pants he's wearing right now since he finished wrapping Kurt's presents a scant hour before Kurt's alarm went off and didn't bother changing.

So, if he never wrapped the Tiffany ring box, it would still be in his pocket, right? Which he knows it's not because, again, he's not that stupid.

And since he knows he's not that stupid, there's no harm in making sure, right?

Sebastian slides his hands into his pockets, but even before he reaches the bottom, he feels a hard edge brush against his leg.

Oh God …

He thrusts his right hand in further and that's when it hits him.

More like that's when he feels it – the ring box rolling up his fingers and into his palm.

Oh holy hot Christ on toast! I am that stupid!

And suddenly, Sebastian finds himself stuck on that stupid, watching open-mouthed, like a fresh water bass about to be flattened by an 18 wheeler, as Kurt tears through the boxes with a renewed vigor. Icy horror overwhelms him when Kurt reaches the final box, a box the exact size and shape as a ring box, and, with an ecstatic giggle, starts tearing its wrapping to pieces. Sebastian prays, negotiates, barters with the universe that if there's something, anything in that last box when Kurt opens it, he will … well, he'll think of something. The universe can send him a bill.

But, surprise surprise, there's nothing, and Kurt's smile, jubilant with expectation just seconds before, dissolves into a frown.

"Is there … is there something I'm missing?" Kurt asks, feeling around the littered floor with despair.

Yes, Sebastian thinks, disappointed with himself, but he slips and says it out loud. "Yes, you are," he reiterates when stormy grey eyes snap his way. Sebastian attempts to sound haughty, like Kurt should know what's going on, while he desperately searches his fuzzy brain for a way out of this.

"And what, pray tell, is that?" Kurt asks, crossing his arms over his chest. Sebastian gulps. Arms crossed over Kurt's chest is Kurt's offensive position. Sebastian had better come up with something brilliant … and fast.

"What you're missing …" Sebastian starts.

"Yes …"

"… your present …"

"A-ha …"

"… is, uh … a metaphor."

Kurt's eyebrows lift in surprise, but not the good kind. In the you're insulting my intelligence and I don't believe you as far as I can throw you kind. Though Sebastian's pretty certain that, at this moment, Kurt could throw him straight out the window of their penthouse. "A metaphor?"

"Yes," Sebastian says with a confident sniff. "A metaphor."

"A metaphor for what?"

"F-for us," Sebastian stutters, losing ground. "For our relationship ... for all relationships really."

Sebastian clears the bullshit from his throat.

He's tanking and he knows it.

Kurt's right eyebrow rises farther than the left, but his overall expression doesn't change. "Keep going."

"Well, uh …" Sebastian remembers those days when he could bullshit with the best of them. In fact, among bullshitters, he was their leader. Where did that go? He knows, with dismay, that it's still there inside him, but it won't do him any good. Because he doesn't want to bullshit Kurt. He wants to be honest with him. Real. But he also doesn't want Kurt to know that in this, the most important thing he's ever planned, he fucked up majorly "… you work hard at a relationship, not knowing what it will become, if all that work will be worth it, and, uh, in the end, the things you gain, the rewards you earn aren't something you can touch or see. They're something you feel. And you, my love, have stood by longer, fought harder, and put up with more than any human being should have to for the love of another person …"

Sebastian pauses, waiting for a reaction. Kurt's eyes roll to the ceiling, but he makes a concurring face. "This is true."

Kurt relaxes his tense arms, and Sebastian's heart races. Score! One tiny victory. Okay, Smythe, keep it up …

"Uh … so …" Sebastian gets down on one knee at Kurt's feet, and Kurt's arms fall the rest of the way. He sits up straighter, eyes aglow, shoving down what's left of his vitriol "… I'm hoping that, regardless of all the trouble I've put you through, you'll be willing to be my husband?"

Sebastian fishes out the ring box already in his hand and opens it, presenting Kurt (he hopes since he neglected to double check that the fucker is actually in there) a polished platinum wedding band with a single blue-diamond inset – single since Kurt is his one true love, and blue for the color of Kurt's eyes.

"Oh, Sebastian!" Kurt sighs, and Sebastian's heart speeds a little more. Thank God it's in there! "It's gorgeous! Did you pick this out yourself?"

Sebastian scowls. "Yes, I picked it out myself." He plucks the ring from the box. "I've had it picked out for you since our first year anniversary."

"That long?" Kurt shakes his head as he watches Sebastian slip the ring onto his left ring finger. "But … that was six years ago. We've broken up three times since then."

"Yup, but that didn't matter." Sebastian takes a good look at the ring now that it's settled on Kurt's finger where it belongs and kisses it. "I always knew that it would be you and me in the end."

"Oh, Sebastian," Kurt whispers again before Sebastian kisses him, dissolving into his boyfriend's arms with tears and laughter, "that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

Sebastian smiles but stays silent, determined to act humble so he doesn't ruin the moment by saying something smug. The truth is Sebastian barely pulled this off, so much so that he's surprised his gums aren't bleeding.

"The ruse with the boxes ..." Kurt chuckles despite lingering exasperation from moments before "… I have to admit, you got me! I was skeptical at first, and it kind of hurt my feelings, but then … that speech!" Kurt gushes, hugging Sebastian tight as Sebastian swallows down a mass of guilt the size of a ten gallon drum. "I didn't think that you were capable of such … such … sincerity."

"Well, you learn something new every day, don't you?" Sebastian definitely did. "Are you sure you like the ring?"

"I do. I really, really do," Kurt replies, wrapped in Sebastian's arms, unwilling to move. Kurt looks at the ring, glittering on his finger, and sighs. Such a beautiful ring. Such an elaborate lead in. Sebastian must have been heartbroken. But so was Kurt for about five seconds, so he can't just let it go. "You forgot to put it in the box, didn't you?"

"Yes," Sebastian admits with chagrin. "Yes, I did."

Kurt shakes his head. "Well, you're lucky I'm so completely in love with you … because I accept."