Realizations

Chapter 22

It was early Saturday evening and Amanda had just finished changing Jesse. Removing the baby from the changing table, she carried her into the living room and walked her over to the large window.

A light drizzle had begun, very common for springtime weather in New York City.

DrippleDopDrippleDopDrippleDopDrippleDop...

Droplets of water appeared on the window, as Jesse babbled on while Amanda watched the world go by.

Down below she saw a couple immersed with one another; talking and sharing. Nearby an elderly man was also seen helping his wife out the car, while a teenage boy was smiling shyly at a pretty young girl as they shared an Ipad. Everyone seemed to have someone. Everyone, that is, except her.

Oh, her date with Carisi was wonderful, turned out even better than she expected, but she had so many unanswered questions. Could she really make it work with him? Judging from her string of relationships, the answer would be no. They have all ended up disastrous, and what if it didn't work out as well? How could they work together then? Would it be worth the risk?

Her thoughts were interrupted when Jesse reached out one of her chubby hands to touch the window, leaving a small smudged hand print on the pane. It made Amanda smile at the precious gift in her arms.

"What those couples down there don't have is a cute little baby to hold and cuddle, now do they?" she cooed, as she hugged and kissed her baby on the cheek.

Jesse didn't understand the words, but she obviously understood her mother's pleasure, as she rewarded Amanda with a huge smile spread all across her face while she happily clapped her hands together at the same time.

And Amanda's loneliness was suddenly swept away.

.

By the time she put Jesse to bed, however, the loneliness had returned. Or maybe it wasn't loneliness, Amanda reasoned, maybe it was something else. She went into the kitchen to make heat up some warm milk. Perhaps that would help soothe the empty hole she seemed to have in her heart. It didn't help much. Her stomach felt heavy, as if she had swallowed a stone.

As she sat at the table alone, a smile played on her lips as she replayed the whole date with Carisi in her mind. The nervous glances, the list of topics to discuss, the laughter, the tasting of the food and finally, the happiness of just being herself.

Happiness.

She felt happiness being with a man... a new concept for her.

And realization hit her.

Without Sonny Carisi in her life, the empty space in her heart will always echo with silence.

"What a fool I've been for fighting my feelings," Amanda spoke out loud to herself, berating herself for almost missing an opportunity. She needed to tell him her feelings now, she decided, as she rushed to the phone to call her sitter.

.

.

The sky had darkened from a silver-white to gray by the time Amanda parked her car. There was no available parking spots close enough to Carisi's apartment, so after circling around the street a few times, she was fortunate enough to find one free spot for her car to squeeze into.

As she got out of her car, it was at that precise moment that the clouds decided to open up and suddenly Amanda was bombarded with fierce raindrops and she was caught in a downpour.

SplishSplishSplishSplishSplishSplishSplishSplishSplishSplish....

Grrrrrrrrrr! she groaned, realizing, too late, that she had no umbrella. There was not much she could do but pick up her pace as she continued to maneuver herself through the rain-soaked above the sky continually rumbled as the heavy waters fell incessantly, dripping off the top of her head while the rest of her body was soaked through and through.

She didn't bother to get buzzed in when she reached the entrance of his building. Instead, it didn't take long for one of the residents to open the door, Amanda slipped in, relieved to be out of the rain. By the time she had entered Carisi's apartment, she was drenched. Water seemed to drip from all angles of her body.

"I look a mess," she thought to herself, yet she could not turn back. Right now, all she wanted was to show Carisi her feelings. He always seemed to make the first move, now it was her turn. No more hesitations. At last she stood in front of his door, and that's when her confidence began to suddenly sag again.

"Am I doing the right thing? What if he rejects me?" She internalized. But, no, she would not let her pride get in the way. If he told her to leave, then so be it. At least she knew. Otherwise she would burst if she didn't admit her feelings.

She had come so far already.

There was no turning back.

Determined, Amanda cleared her throat, brought her fist up and gave the door two loud raps. She heard footsteps and her anticipation grew. Resolutely she stood firm, and when the door opened, her eyes lit up.

...until she saw the young, attractive woman standing in front of her.

"Yes?" the olive-skinned woman asked her, in a slight accent.

The air seemed to go out of Amanda. She felt even worse knowing she looked awful with wet stringy hair, make-up probably running down her face and rain-drenched clothes.

"I, um, must have the wrong apartment," Amanda apologized as she began backing away, "I-I thought this was the apartment of Dominick Carisi."

The door opened wider.

"Yes, Sonny lives here.." the woman acknowledged, looking Amanda up and down,"But I see you are much rainy wet! Do you want to come in to dry off?"

Amanda just wanted to shrink into nothingness. This exotic creature standing dry and lovely was probably Carisi's date. His date! So what the hell was she and her soggy-self doing here?

At least she would leave with dignity.

"No, that's fine/It's nothing/I'm just one of Carisi's co-workers," Amanda was talking faster than usual, "I needed to get some paperwork from him/But it can wait until tomorrow. At the office. Across town/I'll just go now..." , she anxiously blathered, ready to sprint away.

"Wait! You're one of Sonny's co-workers?" the young woman asked with a scowl. Then suddenly her whole face lit up, "Ma naturalmente!" she realized, "Of course! Amanda! You are Sonny's Amanda, no? He speak of you often! I am Gina, Sonny's oldest sister!"

Relief shot throughout Amanda's body.

"Gina? Oh, so good to meet you!" Amanda smiled at last, "I would shake hands with you, but I'm drenching wet!"

"What is this about a handshake? Family do not shake hands, we hug! Wet or no wet!" Gina insisted, ignoring Amanda's water-logged condition. She opened her arms, "We must greet each other properly!"

With smiles, they hugged. When they separated, Amanda looked around.

"Is... Sonny around?"

"Sonny? Si! I mean, yes!" she enthusiastically told Amanda, "He is in laundry room at the end of the hallway, washing clothes! My brother is not my brother until his clothes are cleaned and folded!"

Amanda grinned, "That's Sonny alright!" She then asked, "You don't mind if I go see him, do you? I would like to talk with him."

"Oh?" Gina's face turned concerned, for she knew well the nature of Sonny's job, "Has something terrible happened at work?"

"Oh, no, not at all," Amanda assured her, "I just...need to tell him something."

Gina's face brightened with a knowing look, "Ah! It is a matter of the heart, then!"

Amanda was going to deny it, but she liked Gina a lot and instead smiled, "It is."

"Then go! Allora vai! Be off with you! " Gina exclaimed as she pointed Amanda in the right direction down the hallway.

Gina was still smiling as Amanda walked away, " L'amore è nell'aria! " she mumbled to herself, "Love is in the air!"

And then she quietly shut the door.

.

Trepidation at admitting her feelings to Sonny filled Amanda's heart as she continued on her way. Yet, on the other hand, she couldn't wait to see him. Just seeing him would make her feel...well, make her feel, and she liked that; needed that.

When she opened the door to the basement, she crept inside, silently shut the door behind her and hid from view among the big boxes placed near the entrance.

RumbleRumbleRumbleRumbleRumble...

Still hidden from view, Amanda could hear the sound of the drying machine swishing. When it suddenly came to an abrupt stop, the sound of a vacuum-sealed door opening could next be heard. Sticking her head out from behind the boxes, she took a peek inside the laundry room.

A lone light bulb cast the only light in the room.

Amanda's heart leaped with delight at seeing Carisi. He was attractively dressed in casual wear, which she rarely saw: blue jeans (she never seen him in jeans!), a denim shirt, with a red sweater pullover on top. At this point he was oblivious to her presence, whistling happily to himself while standing behind a table, folding his clothes and putting them back in the basket.

Amanda's insides were quivering as she came out from her hiding and stood out in the middle of the room. She waited, not making a sound. Carisi was still whistling while folding a shirt. He suddenly stopped, as if he sensed a presence.

He looked above the shirt he had been folding and his mouth slightly opened in astonishment.

Amanda swallowed hard, "Hey," she greeted him, as if it were a regular day in the office.

Carisi felt a tightness in his chest upon seeing Amanda.

"Amanda..." he stated in a surprised tone, "um...Why are you here, all water-drenched?"

She smiled, "It's called rain, Sonny."

"No, no... I can see you're all water-drenched, but why are you here? In my laundry room?"

"Oh that." She took steps towards him, her face solemn, "Well, I was home tonight with Jesse..." she began, "...and when it started drizzling, it got me thinking... a lot...and I realized that although I'm a strong woman, I've been going through life... scared..."

By now she stood in front of him across the table as he tilted his head.

"Scared?" he repeated, "Scared of what?"

"Of you," she simply said, her eyes large and revealing, "and how much you mean to me."

It was the toughest thing she had ever done; to admit her true feelings for a man.

Carisi's heart clenched in his chest at Amanda's words. He dropped his shirt and went around the table to close the gap further between them. They now stood opposite one another. Gingerly he reached up and gently brushed a wet strand of hair from her face. She shivered not only from his touch, but from her wet clothes as well.

"Oh god," she moaned, her cheeks reddened as realization hit her, "don't look at me! I'm a big, watery mess!"

The timbre of his voice then changed to one of tenderness as he smiled down at her, "No, you're a beautiful mess, Amanda. And I'm in love with you."

His words were everything she ever wanted to hear. A longing for him grew with each breath she took. As she gazed into his handsome face, she thought his smile seemed to light up the dark corners of the room, as well as her heart. She reached up to touch the newly formed dimple on his face.

"Sonny, I love you, too," she also admitted, as her light caress caused his body to shudder.

SplishSplishSplishSplishSplish...

The rain was still pouring outside, but now it was a reminder of the warmth and comfort they felt in each other's presence.

Wordlessly, Sonny reached for and wrapped around his hands around Amanda's waist, pulling her even closer to him.

No words were needed as Amanda flung her arms around his neck as he lowered his head for a kiss. His lips moved over hers with rising urgency. As he pressed her further into his warmth, she responded willingly back. The kiss burned across their mouths as before, but now a passion of love blazed deep within both their hearts.

When they separated, they both let out a slow breath, their gazes filled with quiet reverence.

At last Carisi broke the silence.

"Come on," he said, as he reluctantly left her to gather his laundry basket.

"Where are we going?" she wondered.

"To my place," he stated as they both began walking, "we're gonna kick my sista outta my place so we could spend some alone time together!" he mischievously added a quick wink.

She teasingly pushed him, "Dominick Carisi! Don't you DARE be rude to your sister! She is so nice!"

"Then you don't know her at all," he straight-faced her back.

She laughed.

By now they had reached the doorway of the basement and Carisi reached over to turn off the light switch, bathing the basement in darkness once again.

But the light of happiness continued to follow Sonny and Amanda as they laughed and talked down the hallway, oblivious to anything or anyone else; they were only aware of being in the loving company of one another.

THE END

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And that's it! Thank you SO much for reading!

I loved writing this!

Please review for the last time!