i cried the rain that fills the ocean wide

trigger warning: self-harm, eating disorders, suicide
DO NOT READ IF THOSE TRIGGER YOU, PLEASE STAY SAFE

For the next few days—actually, it felt like weeks, but the concept of time has escaped him a long time ago—after the death of Kaworu, Shinji locks himself in his room and cries himself to sleep every night. He knows he should be happy because he's saved the world from the impending Third Impact, and he truly is, somewhere deep inside, but even that happiness and pride is buried by the guilt of killing the first person in Shinji's life to tell him that he loved him. Truly and honestly loved him.

But then Kaworu betrayed him—no, he didn't, he didn't have any other choice because he was an Angel and they're told what to do by Adam—if he truly loved Shinji, he wouldn't have forced the poor boy to kill him.

This is what Shinji's mind looks like every day now. A constant string of fucked up thoughts, sometimes not even connected but still causing a throbbing pain to blossom right in the middle of it all.

He can't remember when the last time he had a full meal was. Misato, because he was still living with her, at least until NERV was sure that there wouldn't be a threat of an actual Third Impact—especially after the issue with Kaworu—to which the white haired boy had no choice and Shinji honestly didn't want to kill him, Misato leaves him food by his door since he doesn't even leave his room unless it's to use the restroom.

He'll maybe nibble at the food before having to push it away because his stomach wasn't going to be able to hold anything. He's hungry; he's actually starving, but he just throws everything back up and if his stomach doesn't initially reject the food, he'll force it out at some point anyway.

It's horrible, he knows, and it's worse because he knows Misato can hear him puking—or purging, whichever one it really is, and the gagging sounds he makes as he shoves his fingers down his throat are never very quiet, but of course, sticking to the parenting style she's held onto dearly for the past few months, she doesn't do anything to stop him.

Some responsible guardian she is. Shinji still thinks he's better off on his own like they offered when he first arrived in Tokyo-3. Although he would probably be dead at this point, seeing as the only reason he even gets a little bit of food in his system is through the instant garbage Misato gives him.

And don't even get Shinji started on Asuka. Ever since the Second Child found out that Kaji's dead she's been a wreck, the only difference between her and Shinji was that she was still eating and keeping the food down.

Sometimes, Shinji wonders what his father would do. Would Gendo reprimand Shinji and tell him to man up? Or would he just frown down and call him useless. Realistically, the second scenario is much more Gendo's style, but there have been times where the old geezer has shown some sort of sympathy towards his son. And to other people (like Rei, but that's for other reasons entirely. That's because Gendo fucking created her. Forged her. Used her. She isn't even a real human so what's the point in comparing her to Shinji).

Shinji wishes for Yui. He wishes for the embrace of his mother in this time of need—"Please, mom, I'm scared!"—while at the same time begging for her forgiveness—"I didn't mean to kill Kaworu, honest!". Back and forth in his mind this conversation goes, but her fading face never replies, only smiles that haunting smile at Shinji.

Shinji wishes for Rei, even though somewhere in his twisted heart he hates her. He hates her for stealing his father's love away, for being the new favorite. He hates her for being right all the fucking time but most importantly he hates her because she's a fucking dummy plug and she barely understands the basic concept of human emotions so she can't even begin to imagine what it's like to lose someone as important to Shinji as Kaworu was.

Shinji wishes for Asuka, he wishes for her to be okay, for her not to ruin herself like he has already. He likes her, in some, weird, maybe romantic kinda way, but he'll never be able to act on it now. She's as broken as he is, pride completely crushed by her defeats and love stripped with the murder of the man she loved.

Shinji wishes for Misato, the only mother figure he had after Yui died, the woman who had offered her home to him (even if he didn't, and still really doesn't, want it) and opened her arms wide with a smile. She too, is shattered by the loss of Kaji (Kaji this, Kaji that, Kaji was hiding shit, so what's the point in focusing so much on him?) but she's stronger because she's an adult and she's seen tragedy first hand during the Second Impact. But she doesn't do much to help her basically dying son, now does she?

Shinji wishes for Gendo, but that wish doesn't last long. He hates Gendo. Gendo only needs Shinji when he feels like needing Shinji. Doesn't give a shit about how his own son feels.

Shinji, for some reason or another, wishes for Kaji. He remembers the melons and the flowers, the entire garden that was ruined when Rei fucking blew herself up to kill that one Angel. At the same time, Shinji is glad that Kaji is dead, because he was a spy and he hid too much from everyone and he destroyed both Asuka and Misato.

Shinji wishes for Ritsuko. He doesn't know why, she was cold up until her breakdown in the room with the dummy plugs, but she still probably cared about him at some point.

Shinji wishes for Kensuke and Toji, the only two real friends he made at school. Toji a little more than Kensuke, but he almost killed Toji because Gendo doesn't have a heart and Unit-03 was taken over by that parasitic Angel.

And of course, Shinji wishes for Kaworu. He wishes that he didn't have to crush Kaworu in his fist and watch the Angel's head plummet into the liquid below. He wishes that he could have spent more time with Kaworu, learning what all those feelings and fleeting touches meant.

And so when he cries himself to sleep for the thousandth time in a row, Shinji wishes that maybe, just maybe, in the distant future, in a life without the threat of an Impact or Angels or Adam, he and Kaworu can meet again.

Shinji is reborn a handful of times, but he never meets Kaworu. Sometimes he doesn't even remember the Angel. But the times he does, he desperately wants them to meet.

And they do.

Hundreds of years after the failed Third Impact, Shinji and Kaworu meet again, in a more peaceful time for Tokyo-3. Their meeting takes place in a café near a university, where the both of them happen to be studying.

The only downfall is that Shinji doesn't remember a single thing about what happened in 2015. He can only question that glint in Kaworu's eye when they first talk, moments after Shinji sets down the coffee cup in front of the albino (he'd already drank three, what was the problem with one more?) but he doesn't do it outloud.

The end up falling in love anyway, and if Kaworu remembers Shinji, he doesn't bring it up in front of the boy. This relationship is short, however, because Kaworu passes prematurely from heart failure, and Shinji ends up falling into the same rut he didn't after Kaworu's previous death.

A couple generations go on between them and they're unfortunate enough to either never be born during the same time span or live thousands and thousands of miles apart.

Shinji can't tell which one is worse.

The second time they meet is much darker.

Shinji remembers. And because Shinji remembers, he's already broken himself down into a hollow shell. Cuts decorate his wrists and thighs, his ribs stick out at awful angles, and he knows he's killing himself but this time around there is no Misato to stop him (even though she didn't the first time around).

He meets Kaworu on the streets and his breath is taken away, because even though he has seen this boy in his dreams and memories, those don't do any justice to the beauty of the being in front of him.

And Kaworu immediately frets because Shinji's cheekbones are way too sunken to be healthy.

He tries to heal Shinji, honestly tries and he tries hard. But when Shinji lightly brings up the events of their shared past and Kaworu doesn't remember, Shinji shuts down. He kicks Kaworu out and destroys his apartment.

Only hours after their meeting does this life end. It was a similar fashion to how the original Angel-Kaworu's life ended; except instead of a fist squeezing hard enough that his head popped off, Shinji takes the sharpest knife to his throat.

A few more lifetimes pass but the two never meet because clearly fate decided to stick it's fat middle finger up at the two of them. Fate is the rudest bitch to ever bitch in Shinji's opinion.

They say that the third time's the charm. Well, whoever coined that phrase should get a fucking medal because they couldn't have been more right.

It's after a party that Asuka held on her twentieth birthday. Shinji remembers everything in this lifetime but Asuka doesn't, but Shinji thinks that it's alright this way. The redhead had been through so much trauma the past few lifetimes that she didn't deserve to suffer anymore.

He escapes the alcohol and dancing to take a short walk on the beach by Asuka's apartment. They all live by the coast in this lifetime, and the fresh air is very different from the city fumes or the country bugs. Shinji has to admit that he likes it.

He stops to glance over at an angel statue sitting in the water a way's away. Even thousands of years after the Impacts, the country of Japan still remembers the struggles it went through and celebrates its survival with statues of biblical angels, not the ones that terrorized the lands.

(Shinji laughs, because how weird would it be to see a four-legged spider statue or a giant fucking three-dimensional rhombus-pyramid-thing?)

And while he's staring at the beauty in the water, the melody of Ode to Joy assaults his eardrums. It's soft in reality, but to Shinji, it's the loudest thing he can hear, and for good reason too.

He turns around, eyes widening.

The humming stops.

"Ah," the newcomer says in surprise, a smile curving onto their lips as they step closer, only stopping once they're standing ankle deep in the water, just like Shinji is. "I feel as though I have been born to meet you," Kaworu continues, red eyes gradually filling with tears.

Shinji sniffles. "Yes," he replies, breath catching in his throat. "I feel the same way."

At last, after all their hardships, they remember at the same time, and their embrace feels as though it can last a lifetime.

Shinji wishes for it to never end.

author's notes:
fam i wrote this in like a day thiS IS NOT MY HOMEWORK
help ive watched nothing but eva this month i die
i love kaworu? he's my husband and i miss him
there will be oneshots dealing with their individual three meetings in the future so wait for that kisses