Interlude: Violet

:::

At twelve years old, Atsushi is taller than his older brothers and his classmates. He's taller than everyone. No one wants to play with him.

"You're bigger than the other kids, Atsushi," his mother says. "You have to be careful, okay?"

That's all he ever hears.

Be careful, Atsushi.

It's not Atsushi's fault the other kids are slower, or weaker, or smaller than him. He never so much as bumps anyone, but his elementary still treats him like a delinquent in the making. They don't like his hair, his face, or his height. He can't change anyone's mind, and it is too much work to argue with people who just won't listen.

'Be gentle, Atsushi,' his parents say, sympathetic but unmoved. 'Be careful, Atsushi You're bigger than the other kids. Be gentle.'

Atsushi isn't good at being gentle; it doesn't come naturally to him. Atsushi, like most intelligent kids, dislikes things he's bad at. He likes sweets, doing what he wants, and crushing people who annoy him. He grows and his voice deepens. His male classmates pick fights or cower.

Atsushi finds his way into basketball because he's tall. Even there, the coaches tell him the same thing. Be gentle, Atsushi. Be careful, Atsushi. One nudge sends the other kids sprawling, and Atsushi always gets in trouble for it.

Be careful, the coaches tell him. Always him, even when it's not his fault. Resentment bubbles in Atsushi until just hearing the laughter of his teammates makes him feel sick.

Atsushi hates basketball.

:::

The night before the game against Hana and Kuroko, Himuro and Atsushi escape from their team into the hotel room they're sharing while in Tokyo. Atsushi rolls over on the hotel bed to look at Himuro. Atsushi knows Himuro had something to do with the room arrangements - the coach is fond of him, listens to him.

Most people are fond of Himuro.

Irritating.

Himuro smiles like he knows what Atsushi thinks, and it amuses him. "What sort of person was your captain at Teikou? I can't imagine anyone being in charge of you, and your friends. You're a full-time job all on your own."

Atsushi considers ignoring the question. He didn't want to think about difficult stuff, like Akashi, like Kuroko and Hana playing together. It hurts his brain.

(Why is Hana playing now? Why not back at Teikou? Why…

She left. She left, and now she's back, after Atsushi lost most of his hope of seeing her alive again.)

"Akachin is Akachin," Atsushi says.

Himuro gives him a look, amused.

Atsushi sighs on the inside. Annoying."Akachin is scary. He knows the future and he never loses," Atsushi says. "He's also tiny. Don't tell him I said that, or he'd kill me."

Himuro moves over to Atsushi's bed and sits by Atushi's bare feet. Atsushi jerks his gaze up to the ceiling. He can feel the heat of Hurmuro's body against his legs. Atsushi swallows. He carefully doesn't let his eyes settle on Himuro's pretty eyes, his clear skin, his unfairly nice hands. Looking at Himuro for too long makes Atsushi want to break something.

Preferably Himuro.

Be careful, Atsushi.

Atsushi tries.

Himuro is not for crushing, literally or figuratively.

"Can he really see the future?" Himuro asks, voice light.

"Yeah."

"And he's really that scary?" A hand closes around Atsushi's bare ankle. Atsushi feels like he's been punched in the face; something electric runs through his veins. Atsushi doesn't move either. Just keeps staring up at the ceiling. The electric current runs up Atushi's spine and he clenches the shitty hotel sheets to keep from reaching out and -

Careful, Atsushi.

Atsushi lets out a long breath. He is. He's always careful. When he's not, people get hurt - as every single adult he's ever met loves to remind him. "Why do you care, Murochin? We're not against Akachin next. We're up against Kurochin and Hanachin."

Himuro looks at Atsushi with something he can't read in his eyes. After a beat, the familiar smile returns to his face. "I don't think I like your friend Hana much. She's very... abrasive."

Atsushi grimaces. "No one likes her. Except for Kise-chin, but that's because he's immune."

"Immune?"

Atsushi shrugs. It's the only way to describe it. Kise is the sun to Hana's shade, and she isn't as - corrosive to him as she is to everyone else. She tolerates him and is tolerated in return.

"Is she always so..."

"Hanachin is Hanachin," No matter what. It's one of her few redeeming qualities.

"Hmm. You say no one likes her but..." The hand around Atsushi's ankle squeezes. "I think you do. When those guys started hitting on her, and you went to stop them - I don't think I've ever seen you move so fast. It was very… impressive."

Atsushi stares at him. "Murochin, she would have crushed them."

Himuro just keeps smiling. "Why would you care about that? Isn't it irritating to worry about someone you don't even like?"

Ah.

"You didn't want her to get in trouble," Himuro says, a horrible softness in his eyes.

Atsushi is the first one to look away. "Don't be annoying, Murochin. It makes me want to crush you."

Himuro laughs softly and takes his hand off Atsushi's ankle.

The room feels colder.

Atsushi closes his eyes and tries not to think about anything. Not Hana, not Akashi, and especially not Himuro.

:::

Atsushi dislikes Hana on sight - and first sight is at the first assembly of Teikou, long before they met in the Teikou gym. Kise catches his attention first, because of course he does. Kise is annoying, but Atsushi isn't blind. Bright, sunny, beautiful Kise always turns heads. Girls whisper behind their hands, boys watch with him narrowed eyes, or with their own hunger.

Everyone saw Kise first — and then the girl trailing behind him like a second shadow. On the first impression, Hana looks like a paper doll caught in a windstorm; fragile and pale, liable to tear. Her dark hair drifts behind her like a whisper. Her eyes are large and half-lidded like she's half asleep. Her delicate face is blank.

Hana has no chance of being anonymous. Disgusting as it is, there's something magnetic about her. Kise might be the first thing people see, but Hana is the one people can't look away from.

Atsushi learns: nobody likesHana. The other students avoid her like she's diseased. There's something off about her - something that everyone can sense. It raises the hair on the back of their necks. Hana feels wrong.

And yet.

The moment she turns her complete attention to a person is the moment they get caught, like a mouse in the face of a serpent. Her dull eyes take in every part of a person, weigh and measure, before coming to some incomprehensible conclusion that only Hana knows.

Attention like that was addicting. Atsushi watches it happen, over and over again. Classmates, club members, older and younger, boys and girls. People wanted to be worthy of it.

They never are. Atsushi could count the number of people Hana cares for on one hand with fingers left over. Kise, Nijimura, Momoi at times. Akashi, maybe.

Everyone else was out of luck.

(Until Seirin.

What makes them different?)

When people can't have it, when Hana turns away, when they weren't enough...

It stings.

Nobody likes being dismissed.

Hana seems like some distant sage, distant and unfeeling. Of course, the first time they talk dispels that illusion. Her fragile skin is a lie. Hana is a bitch of epic proportions and doesn't care who knows it. She's selfish and mean and totally willing to break bones. She offers to fight him, and her eyes are cold. If the two of them fought, Atsushi would be the one who got in trouble. Yet, Atsushi is tempted. She would fight him, without hesitation.

Hana fights all the time. Hana turns up with new bruises every week. He's seen her with scraped knuckles and black eyes, spitting blood, a horrible little smile on her lips. He sees the way her things vanish, the way whispers follow her down hallways.

Atsushi never asks.

He and Hana are not friends. He honestly finds her presence irritating. He hates her pale skin, her dark eyes, her long, trailing hair, and her thin wrists. Hana is a girl halfway gone. The type of person adults warns Atsushi to be careful with. She looks like a single touch will tear her apart. She doesn't care for her body or her life, and Atsushi feels like the only one who sees it. The bags under her eyes, the far away look in them - she looks like a girl already gone.

Atsushi can't stop thinking of her as delicate; she prompts that little voice in the back of his head constantly. Be careful, Atsushi. Be gentle, Atsushi.

Irritating, irritating, irritating.

It's almost a relief when Akashi and Hana start dating. Atsushi can ignore the little voice in the back of his head that sounds like his mother, telling him to look after her. Hana is now one of Akashi's people, and Akashi takes care of his people.

Atsushi still makes a face when Akash tells him. "Ugh. Her? Akachin, can't you find someone else?"

Anyone else.

Akashi gives him a glance that's amused and warning at the same time. "Yes, Atsushi. Hana and I have come to an understanding. There is no one who suits me more in Teikou."

Atsushi makes another face. He digs through his bag and comes up with a box of pocky. Good. he needs something to wash the bad taste out of his mouth.

"Hanachin is so… bleh." Atsushi says.

Akashi hummed under his breath. "She has potential."

Atsushi sighs and resigns himself to enduring her presence more often.

There's no accounting for taste.

:::

The day of the match comes, and it's worse than Atsushi thought. Seirin, as a team, is tiny; both in height and in players. Atsushi feels his lip curl in disgust. Why is this team the one Hana decides to join?

She never did anything she didn't want to, so why? She hates basketball, so why?

Hana folds herself into the team seamlessly. They don't flinch from her, and she doesn't treat them like air.

That should have been Akashi leading. It should have been Aomine, Kise around Hana. The only part that looks right is Kuroko sitting quietly on the bench.

"Atsushi? What's wrong?"

Atsushi notices the pinpricks of pain for the first time. He opens his hands to find crescent moons cut into his palm. "Nothing."

(She never wanted to be a part of Teiko. Akashi would've let her, if only she asked. If she showed the slightest interest. Atsushi thought it was because she didn't like basketball,

Was it Atsushi that kept her away?

Did she hate Atsushi that much?)

Himuro gives him a flat look. That was the pain of dealing with smart people - it was harder to bullshit them. Atsushi picks up a towel and puts it over his face. He doesn't want to talk to Himuro about this, not ever.

What made Seirin different from Teikou? Teikou was made up of the best of the best. It had all the stuff Hana needed to survive and thrive - and yet, she left them behind without a word. Atsushi very carefully doesn't clench his hands again.

The day Hana vanishes, Kise shows up in the gym, to find the rest of the Generation waiting. Summoned by Akashi like courtiers surrounding the emperor. He had something small clutched in his hands. Kise held it out and Atsushi remembered the way his stomach dropped.

Hana's phone lay there in his open palm.

"She hasn't come home," Kise said. "I don't know where she went. When was the last time anyone saw her?"

Atsushi can't remember.

(Kuroko wasn't there either. Maybe Atsushi should've noticed something off then, but how could he? Kuroko and Hana never got along, not in all the time he knew them.

Why would their two missing pieces be in the same place?)

Akashi didn't seem worried. That was the only reason Atsushi didn't snatch the phone out of Kise's hand.

"Don't fret, Ryota. Hana can take care of herself." Akashi said. "Don't bother looking for her. She will turn up when she feels like it. She always does."

Aomine laughs. "She's a big girl. Don't worry about it."

Midorima says nothing, but his mouth purses.

Atsushi looks at Akashi. That wasn't what he expects to hear. Akashi doesn't know where Hana is? How is that possible? He keeps a weirdly close eye on her, especially after his eye went gold. Akashi doesn't seem concerned but Atsushi feels his words settle, pressing down like an ocean. Akashi seems so certain she'll turn up, but Kise's hands shake. Atsushi's heart wavers.

What if this time is different? What if things got out of hand? What if something changed? Akashi doesn't know where she is.

What if Hana disappeared for good?

Atsushi thought about bruises on pale skin and Hana's horrible little smile. Hana is tough, but no one is invincible. She can handle one or two people in a fight - but what about three, or five, or ten?

"Momochin might know," Atsushi says.

Kise brightens. "Right! Momocchi knows everything. Maybe Hana told her!"

Momoi doesn't know. Her smile is wan, and her eyes are worried. She shakes her head. "I haven't talked to Hana-chan in weeks. She's been - she hasn't been at school. The last time I saw her was at graduation."

Kise blinks. "W-what?"

Atsushi's stomach sinks further. He stares down at his limited edition poki, appetite gone.

"Don't you two live together or some shit?" Aomine asks. "How did you miss that?"

"I - we haven't been walking together. I have to get to school early for practice, and - weeks, Momocchi?" Kise's hand clenches around Hana's phone. "I - I didn't notice. Why didn't I notice?"

Everyone is quiet.

"I'm sure she'll turn up," Akashi says at last. "There's no need to fret."

:::

Hana never does.

Every time Atsushi catches a glimpse of true black, his head turns against his will. If Hana is gone, she would go completely. Looking for someone who doesn't want to be found is - pointless.

Things Atsushi has found: a long black limo, a stray cat, a menacing crow, the ribbon of an unfamiliar school uniform.

What Atsushi has not found: Hana.

No one calls him to tell them they found her.

No one calls Atsushi at all.

:::

Atsushi's new team is strange and troublesome.

His teammates are... bearable. The new coach is a scary, scary mix of Momoi and Aomine and Atsushi is frightened. It's troublesome to deal with.

Atsushi didn't like anyone from the generation of miracles at first anyway. Except for Akashi.

Honestly, Atsushi doesn't even know if he likes them now.

His team is bearable- and then there's Himuro.

Himuro is more annoying than Kise. More pro-basketball than Kuroko. More smiley than an alligator. He has the personality of a razor blade that likes to drink blood.

Plus, Himuro is pretty.

Atsushi should avoid him.

He doesn't. Sometimes, Himuro will be practicing and Atsushi will look at Himuro's long, pretty hands, or the stretch of his neck, or the sharpness of his eyes, and Atsushi's mouth will go dry as a desert.

Atsushi is familiar with hunger.

This is something else.

He wants to eat Himuro alive. It scares him. He's only liked girls before, only wanted soft skin and long, pretty hair, and for all of Himuro's beauty, he's still a basketball player. A professional athlete. Himuro wasn't delicate. His body was pure muscle. Himuro was strong.

Not as strong as Mursakibara, though. No one was.

Atsushi could push him down.

Be careful, Atsushi.

He doesn't know if he can be. Sometimes Himuro will look at him with those eyes —

Atsushi tries.

It's Himuro that doesn't stay away. He won't touch Atsushi if he doesn't ask, but he'll still hang around, close enough to feel his body heat.

It drives Atsushi mad.

And then there's Hana, bored and mean as always. Alive. Beng her normal, irritating self - with Kuroko, for some fucking reason. Bringing things to light that Atsushi would rather not think about.

Bisexuality.

Oh, Atsushi thinks.

Oh.

He wishes he didn't know.

:::

Atsushi knows the moment Kiyoshi spots him because Kiyoshi's big, stupid grin gets bigger and stupider. Atsushi hides behind Himuro, but it doesn't do any good. Kyoshi favors Atsushi with a wave and an obnoxious smile.

Himuro waves back amusement Atsushi can feel even while standing behind him.

"Geh," Atsushi grabs Himuro's wrist and pulls down his arm. "Don't encourage him, Murochin. He'll come over and talk to us."

"I didn't know you were on good terms with the Iron Heart, Atsushi," Himuro says because he's the worst. "You don't like him?"

"He's annoying."

"Huh. You really don't like him."

Atsushi gave Himuro an annoyed glance. Isn't that what he said? "Don't be dumb, Murochin."

Himuro smiles, pretty and plastic as ever, and tilts his head to look up at Atsushi. It bares the smooth skin of his throat, and the pulse of his heart is visible beneath his thin skin. His Adam's apple bobs when he speaks. Himuro is perfectly at ease in Atsushi's long shadow.

Warmth floods Atsushi, and the need to lean in takes him, to put his mouth on Himuro's pulse. Want sticks in the back of his throat. His hand still circles Himuro's wrist. A simple tug and Himuro would fall into him.

Be careful, Atsushi.

Atsushi released Himuro's wrist as if it burnt him.

Himuro blinks. "Atsushi? Is something wrong?"

Himuro wasn't afraid of him.

If Himuro could read Atsushi's mind, he would be.

"Nothing, Murochin."

Be careful, Atsushi.

When Kiyoshi lopes across the room, the distracting is almost a relief. Almost. Kiyoshi is very annoying.

"Atsushi," Kiyoshi says, that same goofy smile on his face. Atsushi hates it. "It's been a while since we played! I've been wanting a rematch and I'm glad it's you that I'm up against!" He looks at Himuro. "One of your new teammates? Nice to meet you! I'm Kyoshi Teppei."

Himuro meets Kiyoshi with his own dazzling smile. "Hello, I'm Himuro Tetsuya. It's nice to meet you, Iron heart."

Kiyoshi makes a face. "People still call me that, ugh."

"You don't like it?"

"It's a little embarrassing, I'm not going to lie."

Atsushi glares down at his feet while they chat. A restless energy loops through his body and makes it impossible to calm his thundering heart. Irritating, irritating, everything irritates him. He doesn't want to be here, with Hana and Kuroko across the court. He doesn't want Kiyoshi to talk to Himuro with his big stupid smile and his big stupid laugh.

Himuro stands next to Atsushi, within reach.

Atsushi's hand flex.

Himuro's warmth lingers on his skin.

He doesn't want to think about that, so he focuses on Hana instead.

Her hair is short, and it makes her face and eyes look sharper; it's like any softness from Teikou has been eroded. Even her wrists look stronger, bound in black sweatbands, twins to Kuroko's own.

If Kuroko is dating Hana, Akashi might actually kill someone - probably Kuroko. Atsushi resolves to be far, far away from that confrontation. Hana and Akashi were scary, and Kuroko didn't know the meaning of backing down. He was terribly stubborn.

This is going to be a mess.

Atsushi already had a headache, just from thinking about it.

Atsushi hates basketball. He hates the smell of sweat and the stupid shrill whistle of the referee. It's terrible. Why does anyone play this game? Why does anyone want him to play it?

The roar of the crowd gives Atsushi a headache. He rubbed his face and sighed. Hirmuro glances at him through his thick eyelashes. He was so pretty. This was the worst. Atsushi is aware of how large and clumsy his hands are.

Hana's dark hair is short, and it's like Atsushi is looking at a different person. She doesn't seem like untouchable marble anymore. Instead, she just looks tired.

Okamura gestures for them to gather up. "I've studied the videos and the biggest threat on that team? The girl. We cover her, or we lose. Himuro, you're on her. The tiny invisible kid might be a problem for a while but I don't think it'll be permanent trouble if we're careful. Ryugawa just got out of the hospital, as did Kiyoshi. We can take advantage of that."

Underestimating Kuroko? Atsushi's lip curls back. "Kurochin is a wimp, but he's still part of my generation."

The captain's not that dumb. He sighs and glances over at Serin. "It's what we have."

Atsushi shook his head. The team would learn, or they wouldn't. He was too lazy to worry about it.

Himuro's eyes were still on the ugly redhead.

Atsushi felt his hands curl into fists. "Murochin." He said.

Himuro blinks and looks away. "Hm?"

Don't look at him, Atsushi wants to say. Don't look at him.

Look at me.

...Like he could ever say something so embarrassing. Atsushi looks away, tucking his fits into his pockets where he won't be tempted to put them into the face of the redhead taking up Himuro's attention and time. Ah, how troublesome, how annoying. Atsushi wants to sleep.

"Hurry up. I wanna go to a sale after this," Atsushi says.

He feels Himuro's smile like a blow to the back of the head. It leaves Atsushi seeing stars.

"Of course, Atsushi," Himuro says.

:::

The game starts and Atsushi knows that they won't be making the sale. The game is fucked from the word go - but it's not what he expects. Something is wrong with Seirin - not the play, but the team itself. The red-head Himuro keeps obsessing over plays like he's distracted. He misses passes, misses shots. There's a strange tension between him and Hana. She isn't looking at him at all.

Atsushi's eyes flicker over the girl in question, but the strangeness of seeing her in a basketball uniform of any kind makes him dizzy, so he looks away. The tension makes his job easier.

Only it doesn't.

Hana is an avalanche, an overwhelming force. She blows through defenders, leaving them aching behind her. She moves fast, steps light, blurs in and out of sight, passes, and receives so easily it's offensive.

(Kuroko is a shadow and Hana is a light.

Atsushi sighs.

Annoying.)

This will not be a quick and easy game. In terms of talent, Atshushi's team is better, full stop. On the scales of balance, Seirin is okay at what they do, and makes up for a lack of talent with skill. It wasn't enough to tip the scale in their favor.

Hana, though. Hana is a heavyweight. She tips the scale all on her own.

Atsushi pictures brushing up against Hana and her cracking from the slightest touch and feels nauseous. He doesn't want to play anymore. Basketball is never fun, but now it's just a slog, and Atsushi is no Iron Heart. He can't just keep going and going in the face of impossible odds. In fact, he's more than likely just to give up if it's inconvenient to him to keep going.

The world can save passion and speeches about never giving up for the Kuroko and Kiyoshi types.

This is too hard.

Yosen is losing, and that's all there is to it.

(What if he breaks her -)

The game goes on, and Atsushi's stomach roils. He turns and walks off the court, up to the bench. His team yells. Coach is watching him with her scary dark eyes.

Himuro is watching him with eyes like broken glass. "Atsushi?"

Atsushi rubs a towel across his face to hide the scowl. "I don't wanna play against Hanachin. It's just as annoying as I'd thought it would be. I'm missing my sale, too. I quit."

"You can't just quit!" The captain says.

Atsushi gave the boy a vicious glare. "You don't get to complain until you stop Hanachin from driving up the court."

Okamura blanches, and looks down. Of the whole team, only Atsushi stood a chance against Hana. For the first time, Hana's full attention is on Atsushi and he hates it. It's the difference between seeing a tiger through a glass window and seeing a tiger in your living room.

"It's annoying. It's hard. It's not any fun. I'm done," Atushi says.

Atsushi is too tough for Hana's teeth to bite into, but his team is soft. They show off their jugulars without even realizing it. Atsushi feels Hana's dark eyes on them. Even Himuro is vulnerable -, especially Himuro.

And yet - the longer the match draws on, the worse Atsushi feels. There's something about the look in her eyes that scares him. Atsushi doesn't want to be the thing that breaks her.

Be careful, Atsushi.

Irritating, irritating, irritating.

Hirmuro lunges and Atsushi feels a bright, blooming spark; of pain across his face. He's too startled to resist when Himuro pulls him down by the collar and gets into his face.

Tears glitter in Himuro's eyes.

Atushi hates himself for the spark of heat in his stomach. Even like this, with his soft underbelly exposed, Himuro is beautiful. It feels like being stabbed through the heart with something he wasn't meant to see. Atushi wishes he could go back in time and skip basketball as a concept.

"Things get hard and you just give up? Don't we mean anything to you?" Himuro demands. "I hate people like you the most. You've got talent but never fucking do anything with it! It's so unfair. Why was it given to someone like you? You can't even stay until the game ends?"

Tears drip from his pretty eyes.

It drags Atsushi back to Teikou and how it built a wall up brick by brick between him and the rest of his Generation. He can't remember the last time he so much as texted any of them. Maybe after the game was done, he would. Maybe if there was someone back at Teikou to knock their stupid heads in, maybe Atsushi wouldn't feel so miserable.

Atushi, stunned and staring at Himuro's face, takes hold of his wrists - gently. Carefully.

Himuro doesn't break.

"Okay," Atsushi says.

Okay.

Himuro stares back with red eyes.

For Himuro, Atsushi is willing to try.

He's never, ever going to say it out loud, though.

That shit's embarrassing.

:::

"Murasakibara," Hana says.

The whole team flinches back. The break is almost over. Atsushi stares at Hana, who seemingly learned how to teleport when she vanished without a word. Atsushi would bet real money she was across the court, listening to her coach talk.

Atsushi blinks. "Eh? Why are you over here?"

Hana doesn't look at him, though. Her eyes are on Himuro, and there's something terribly cold in them. "Saw the drama going down and thought I'd join in. I didn't know that fights were allowed at Yosen. Maybe I would've joined you."

Her voice is emotionless as always but underneath that is a boiling coldness. Hana is - Hana is angry, and Atsushi is confused.

"Ew," He says. Because ew.

"Yeah," Hana says, eyes still on Himuro. "Do we have a problem?"

Understanding hits Atsushi. Hana is angry - angry that Atsushi got punched? What? Why? Hana absolutely doesn't like him. She…

We, she says. We - as in 'we' from Teikou?

"Uh. It's fine?" Atsushi says.

"Hm," Hana says. She glances up at Atsushi, back at the rest of Yosen. They flinch as one. Atsushi sympathizes. "If you say so. You done phoning it in? I'm bored."

Ah. There's that familiar irritation.

"I'll crush you," Atsushi says.

Hana flicks her hand as if waving the words away. "You can sure try."

She wanders back over to her team again, and as one Yosen lets out a breath.

"Wow," Okamura says. "She's kind of… intense, up close. Himuro, maybe don't punch Murasakibara again. I don't know if you'll keep your hand next time."

Himuro says nothing.

Atsushi ties back his hair out of his face and breaths in. Carefully, like lowering himself down a long steep tunnel, he reaches for that place where the whole world goes sharp and painfully bright. The place where it narrows down the whole world to himself and the court.

The second he hits bottom, he stops thinking.

Thinking has no place in the Zone. There's only the pure rush of unhesitating restless energy pulsing through his heart, his hands.

Hana's eyes are cool, with no hit of alarm. Even while Kuroko explains the zone to this team, Hana just watches.

She's the most dangerous thing on this court. Atsushi is running on pure instinct right now - move move move,says his body, but he stays in place - watching her watch him.

The redhead - Kagami- stands at her side. He's not a threat, but he could be.

He could be.

The whistle blows. Atsushi moves.

- and Hana moves in turn.

For the first time, they clash without thought of holding back. Atsushi looks at her and doesn't see her delicate shell. He looks at her without the voice in the back of his head whispering be careful Atsushi. Atushi comes down on her like the fist of an angry god - and Hana doesn't so much as flinch.

It's like a not coming undone in Atushi's soul.

Hana is an awful opponent - but Atsushi always knew that. It's a relief. He can push and push and push, until all the voices that hold him back are gone. It's just Atsushi and Hana.

And, even though he will deny it to his dying breath, this game is - fun.

Hana is fun.

Then Hana stumbles, and Atsushi is past her before she can recover.

What?

It feels like missing a step in the dark. His heart lurches to the side, and it almost hurts. The tiny part of him that isn't instinct and movement reverberates with shock. What was that? Hana never stumbles. Hana never stops. Hana is immovable, Hana is -

Atsushi can only hold the zone for a quarter of a game at most. It's the one thing a stamina freak like Aomine holds an advantage in. Atsushi knows Hana could run laps around every person in Teikou without breaking a sweat. She's a stamina monster. Why would she get tired now?

Except - a horrifying suspicion rises in Atsush's mind. His game goes up a level in the zone - but Hana could keep up with Aomine and Atsushi in the zone. Her playing isn't that different from the beginning of the match.

Is Hana always in the zone?

How could anyone survive that sort of brightness? Everything hurts more, and it feels too intense.

Then Atsushi stops thinking because both Kuroko and Kagami are on him.

(One thing Atsushi doesn't realize - his mouth is curled up in a smile.

It's fun.)

:::

After a brutal struggle, the last buzzer goes off. Yosen loses.

Atsushi cries.

This day is the fucking worst.

Hana stands across from him, hands resting at her side. Her face is pale but blank at always.

"You're the worst," Atsushi says through the tears. His heart feels like it's shirking in on itself. His body feels heavy. He lost. He lost and he let his team down, and this is the worst time to realize he actually cares about them.

Hana says nothing.

Kuroko gives Atsushi a nasty look and shuffles Hana away.

Atsushi stays behind when the team goes home. He's not hiding, but getting onto the bus with them feels like trying to cram himself into a too-small set of clothes. He doesn't want to sit at the team dinner and feel dejected with the rest of the team.

Coach gives him an unreadable look, but nods.

He tires not show how pathetically grateful he is.

"Himuro," The coach says. "Stay with him. We'll be leaving in an hour."

Atsushi takes the gratitude back. Coach is the worst.

"Yes, coach," Himuro says. His voice is hoarse, from the tears, or the yelling.

She nods and takes the rest of the team back with her, all of them glancing over their shoulders at Atsushi and Himuro, but none of them stop to say anything.

Atsushi keeps his eyes on his feet. The silence stretches out like a rubber band pulled taught. He's waiting for the backlash. He can't look at Himuro. They lost and it's Atsushi's fault. He knows. No one else could handle Hana. No one else could deal with Kagami, with Kuroko. And he failed.

Disappointment burns. He doesn't like losing.

Why does it suck so much?

He doesn't want the stupid game to matter. Caring about stuff just made it hurt worse when you couldn't have it anymore.

He hears Himuro sigh, but he doesn't look. He doesn't want to see the disappointment on Himuro's face.

It was nice while it lasted.

Be careful, Atsushi.

He's always careful. It never does any good.

This time, the rejection would hurt.

(If he wasn't useful to the team, what good was he? What reason would they have for keeping him around?

Akashi would drop him.)

A soft touch to his shoulder startled Atsushi out of his thoughts. He glanced up and found Himuro looking up at him, his mouth pinched.

They stare at each other for a moment.

"I'm sorry," Himuro says.

"Eh?" Atsushi says, shocked. "For what Murochin?

"I'm sorry I hit you," Himuro says quietly as they watch the people stream out of the stadium.

Atsushi kicks the pavement. "S'fine," He mumbles.

His eyes still ache from crying and he wants to crawl into a hole and die. How could he cry just because he lost? What was he, five? He didn't even want to think about the reactions of the miracles. Momoi would absolutely find out and tell everyone.

This day was the worst.

And yet- Atsushi can't even bring himself to care about it. It was fun, that game. He can't even be mad at Serin for winning, which is the worst part.

"It's not fine, Atsushi. I lost control of my emotions and I took my frustrations out on you," and then, horrifyingly, Himuro bowed a deep bow of apology. It wasn't even sarcastic. Atsushi wanted to sink into the ground forever. "I'm sorry."

"Murochin, stop," he complained. "It's weird when you're not being your stupid, pretty self."

Himuro jerked up and stared at Atsushi.

What?

Atsushi thought about what he said and felt his face catch fire. "Shut up."

"I -"

Nope! Atsushi shoves the bag of snacks into Himuro's face. "I see Kisechin. I'm going to talk to him."

Himuro sputters and drags the bag off his face. "Atsushi -"

Atsushi points at Himuro. "Don't follow me."

He takes off before Himuro can respond. Atsushi left his bag and snacks behind. Sometimes, Atsushi thought grimly, sacrifices have to be made.

Kise caught up with him within a few strides. His face was utterly gleeful.

"No," Atsushi says without much hope.

Kise ignores him as he thought. "So, Himruo, huh? I didn't realize that he was your type? I could introduce you to some other boys who look like that. Or girls, if you're into them."

"I'll crush you."

Kise laughed. "Whatever. We're going to talk to Hanacchi about some stuff."

"No."

"You sure about that?" Kise pulled a bag of chips out.

Atsushi pouts at him.

"I don't wanna talk to Hanacchin. She's smug," he whined. He took the snack though.

Kise rolls his eyes. "Hanacchi has never been smug in her life."

That was true. Hana was much more likely to go for arrogance than smugness.

Kise drags Atsushi onwards through the crowd. They don't head towards the stadium but towards a Maji Burger. Escape Kise's grasp or get a milkshake at Maji Burger?

Atsushi is torn.

Too late to decide. Kise drags him into the restaurant and shoves him down into the inner chair at a table, and sits down next to him, blocking off Atsushi's escape route.

Hana stares at him from the opposite side. She looks just as enthused to be here as Atsushi does.

She looks at Kise. "Why."

Mursakibara slumps in his seat and makes sure to take up as much space as possible. His knees knock into Hana's under the table. She stares at him with her creepy doll eyes. Atsushi takes another sip of his smoothie.

"Moral support!" Kise chirps.

"I don't feel supported."

"I meant for me," Kise takes a deep breath. "So. Momoi. What the hell, Hanacchi?"

Atsushi watches Hana's face twitch and feels sympathy for one horrible moment. Emotion actually passes over her face, something Muraskaibara hadn't seen in all the years he knew her in Teikou.

"No," She says.

Kise's calm face breaks into a manic grin that Atsushi inches away from. "Yes!"

Hana eyes him. "You're not going to let this go."

"Never," Kise says, glee coating his voice. "Do you know how long I've waited for this moment? It's been years! Years!"

"I have had both a girlfriend and a boyfriend before."

"You've never had a crush."

Atsushi's brain adds two and two together.

Crush - Momoi -

Atsushi sunk down even lower in his chair. "Hana-chin has a crush on Momo-chin?"

Hana looks at him, then at Kise, and slowly buries her head in her hands. "Did you really have to fucking bring him, of all people, into this?"

It's as good as a confession.

Atsushi wants to be anywhere but here. He could be with his team. He could be drowning out the embarrassment of crying on Himuro in ice cream. He could be working on the sponge cake recipe he found online.

Instead, he was hunched in a Maji burger booth opposite his least favorite person in the world and his most annoying teammate. Atsushi is sitting on the inside, too. Kise wouldn't just let him out when he went through all the trouble of dragging Atsushi along in the first place.

Annoying.

"I want a smoothie," He tells Kise. "And fries."

"And?"

"Buy it for me." If Atsushi is being forced into this, he's at least going to eat his fill.

Kise protests, but Atsushi kicks Kises' feet until he goes.

Hana is quiet.

Atsushi watches as Kise gets mobbed at the counter by his adoring fans. Serves him right.

"I thought you died," Atsushi says. "The day you went missing."

He wishes he could stuff the words back into his mouth.

A flicker of something Atsushi can't read paces over Hana's face - it's only for an instant, but he sees it. He sees the fragility, the shatter point of Hana's self. The part of her that would break with a touch. It's only for a second, but that's a second too long.

"I didn't think you'd care," Hana says.

Atsushi scowls. "I don't."

It'd be more convincing if his voice didn't crack in the middle.

Hana shifts. "I didn't die."

Obviously.

"The worst," Atsushi says again.

"Yeah. I know," Again, that look passes over her face. It looks almost like exhaustion - but Hana didn't get tired. "Do you want me to apologize or something?"

If she's in the zone all the time -

Nope. Not thinking about it.

"No. I want you to not ever do it again," Atsushi says. That horrible, bubbling feeling is back in his stomach again, and for the first time, Atsushi understands what it is: fear. Hana irritates him on a personal level. She's mean and arrogant, and utterly indifferent. They're not friends, and will never be friends. She's still, unfortunately, one of Atsushi's people. One of the Generation. That means being careful with her, and making sure she's okay. He's gone through the five stages of grief. He's resigned himself to it.

Hana meets his eyes for the first time. Atsushi doesn't look away.

"...Okay." Hana says.

Good enough. Atsushi pushes back from the booth, walks away, wades through Kise's fans, and collects his tray from Kise's hands.

"Mursakicchi?" Kise blinks.

"Bye," Atsushi says, and leaves the Maji burger.

There wasn't enough money in the world to make him sit through relationship talk with Kise and Hana.

They might ask him about Himuro.

Ugh.

Irritating.

:::

hey guys long time no see! This chapter is officially the worst one I've ever attempted to edit. is it perfect? no! am i sick of editing? absolutely! I deleted a full 3000 words of this baby and still, it took me a full month to single-minded work to figure out what the hell was wrong with it. I'm done! i love murasakibara and I'm also never writing his pov again : )