This is a Parody inspired by one of my reddit rants. Just wanted to make sure that was perfectly obvious before this starts. Enjoy.

Step 1: The Start

It is recommended that you start off in rock bottom. As in below the fucking bedrock.

If at all possible, dig into the core of the earth and let that angsty fire from the magma burn in your heart with the passion of a thousand suns.

Don't worry about that previous statement not making any sense from a thermodynamic point of view. Factual accuracy is something you should stop trying to achieve before you even begin writing this.

Now, you are ready to start.

Your story should start with something about Harry wanting to kill himself or bitterly monologuing about how his life as the Wizarding World's Chosen One is hard and that he should be treated better. Throw in a couple of moans about Sirius dying being entirely his fault and trying to starve himself to death just so that he could go and apologise to his godfather for his mistakes.

If you can't bring your writing to be convincing and emotionally impactful, don't worry. Just insinuate that he was being fucked by Vernon or something.