SachiMalff

—blue and bruised—

"he just wished he could send the letter for a man who once was so dear for him.a fucking, single letter."

[standard disclaimer applied]

[oh sehun – lu han]

—blue and bruised—

SachiMalff

luhan did not know what brought him into this state. wandering around in the darkness night of wuzhen seemed a reckless choice when you were a very famous actor—a top actor of the century. yet it did not stop him. however, his heart and sanity were not in a good state right now, so how could you blame him just for wandering like a crazy madman around the town?

the smoke in his lips were burning—he did not like smoking, but he thought it was the only remedy for his rotten heart. he would never touch alcohol again in this state just because his mother told him not to. he was so fond of her he would never go against her words.

his timid steps echoed in the space, the slow wind blew the smoke coming from his cigarette. the cold breeze of the weather did not stop him, yet he hid his frozen hands into his pocket. his luxurious watch reminded him he should go back to his apartment because it had already past 2 o'clock and who in the world would be out there in the chilliest night of the season just to wander around like a clueless sheep?

luhan. only luhan.

it was so lucky of him there were no fans around him right now, because—hell, luhan knew better that thousands of his sasaeng would sacrifice anything, even their nights just to stalk him every day.

four or three years ago luhan would gladly do this kind of crazy activity—wander around just to enjoy the solitude of the night, a very precious moment—with someone who was very dear to him.

ah—only the thought of him killed his already ruined mood.

it was so crazy and funny at the same time, now, if luhan would say—how he could not bear to say the name that was once so dear to his life, because it was too painful, too unbearable, too fucking hurt for his broken state.

luhan gulped the numb feeling he felt, hoping it would cease soon because he was so tired of having this feeling gnawing inside his heart and soul.

actually luhan would have been better if he could have the last chance to convey his feeling before the end closed the way for him to move on. but life, as he already knew, was so unfair he could never stand a chance for it.

he just wished he could send the letter for a man who once was so dear for him.

a fucking, single letter.

but of course his studio never let him, nor his agency. it felt like the whole universe was against him just to send a fucking letter. (he should know this but a tiny of hope in his heart told him that there could have been a chance.)

luhan closed his eyes, his right hand roaming the paper he tugged in his pocket. slowly, his hand gripped the paper, tightly, like he conveyed his anger through it.

this was all useless now. all of it.

he thought the world had been cruel enough for him—he thought the world had punished him cruel enough to love someone who would never love him back, but no. he did not know how it could be like this.

loving someone who could never love you back was painful enough, but he thought seeing that person lived a happy life with someone else was the real deal. what a fucking tortured life.

there was no use now, for him to keep the letter.

luhan sighed for the last time, ignoring the pain inside his heart. he pulled the letter from the pocket, squeezed it until it became a tiny ball and then he threw it.

the gravity along with the wind made the letter fell in the ground, far enough for his eyesight to care.

it was all useless.

he would not pick it up again, however, the letter that he spent the couple of night writing for it would never be sent to oh sehun.

a fucking big no.

oh sehun would never get that letter, and his pain would never reduce.

his unspeakable emotion, his truest feeling, his lovely words of waiting and hurtful truth behind his action in the past five years—sehun would never know any of it.

not if all the truth he wanted to say now was sprawled in that ground, probably would be buried by mud and fallen leaves.

to oh sehun who probably would not even spare a glance to me ever again. hello, buds, how's life going? probably better after i left, because i know i had hurt you too deep so i guess you would be happier now, which is true.

well, what should i say first.

okay, let me start this. i will write it short because y'know, things get harder for me to reach you. after you blocked me and changed your number countless time after i left exo, i was so frustrated until i thought i could never contact you ever again.

sehun, i don't exactly know what is going around in soukor. i only know from the media—which is pathetic because i am completely sure that the media is manhandled by your agency about any news related to their artists—that you have dated a woman. sehun, really?

i only need your short answer, is it true or not? just—give me the answer because i need it.

okay, first thing first, i want to say sorry, a thousand sorries because i have been a jerk towards you. i know you probably will never forgive me but trust me, sehun, when you conveyed your feelings to me three years ago, i felt the same. no, i feel the same—then and now, it never changed anything, i still feel those butterfly feelings towards you. shortly, i love you too, but at that time i could not pinpoint it nor answer you like that because it was too dangerous. a love of two men was and is a dangerous thing, sehun. you know that. the world will mock you—you would be kicked from exo and people would turn their backs against you. it's so dangerous i could never imagine you to experience such treatments. so i decided just to ignore your confession, let it go until you forgot that you had that feeling. but man, guess what—you were so damn idiot, you kept chasing me, begging me for giving a fucking clear explanation of why i left your confession unanswered. damn, sehun, if only you knew the reason behind my action.

i was so confused about anything—you kept chasing after me, the members started to get suspicious, and the agency started to get itchy about your actions.

i was so scared you would do something that would put you in the dangerous place because i have known you for ages sehun, and i definitely know that you would do something to get what you deserved from me.

my guess was true, though. you kept saying the media, giving the hint that you were attracted to men or whatever it was, you kept touching me in front of the camera, you kept stealing glances, even after i drew a bold line and stuck with minseokie.

i was so scared you would come out. so i decided to leave. yea, so stupid of me, i know. but i knew it was all worth the pain and struggle, sehun, because once i left the company, i could reach you and give you explanation. i thought leaving the agency would be the best answer, but no. fucking no.

i thought life would be easier that way—i would leave the agency, built a new career in china, collecting lots of billions, and when the day came you could probably left the group too and moved to china or unnamed island to have a beautiful future with me. oh, how reckless i was, dreaming something stupid like that.

but honestly sehun it was all what i planned for both of us. i didn't think you would hate me for my decision, you would hate me for leaving without further explanation of why i refused to give you a 'yes or no' answer for your confession.

i didn't think you would hate me so fucking much for everything i did.

sehun, now that the media keep releasing the suspection, rumour, and unofficial statement from the agency, i would do anything to hear your answer, is that true, the news saying that you are dating irene? because i think i would go crazy if this rumour keeps unfounded. i would gladly think and pretend that it was just a hoax or the agency playing with this dating game again, but i would love it to hear the answer from you.

i know i have been a complete bastard for giving you so many pains these years. i contacted you, i have tried to reach you but you didn't allow me to. you blocked all my socmeds, you changed your numbers and all of our collagues would never reply my text asking your newest number. even minseok and yixing couldn't give you yours. sehun, i am deeply sorry if my actions cut a deep wound into your heart but i have my reasons.

on top of that i would confess my feeling that yes, i do too, i love you too, but i guess it's too late now.

i hope nothing—heck, i didn't even believe my dreams above about me and you lead a happy life in an unnamed island would come true, right now—but just for you to read this and know that i love you too. now and then.

and i would love to hear your voice again, sehun, real voice. i would do anything just to reach you and call you and speak to you.

you know, my number would never change because i still hope that someday you would call me again. i don't know, i just hope. so you can call me asap if you have read this.

i hope my studio would permit me to send this because i was so frustrated because i could not reach you everywhere. please, at least read this and contact me again. i'd die just to hear your voice calling my name again.

your hyung,

luhan.