{ I own nothing }
As soon as she wakes up, she knows something's not right.
Her last memory is… drowning. Stefan saved Matt, and then… nothing.
So how did he…
Save you? He didn't.
It's her worst nightmare come true.
... ... ...
He lives in a twisted, tragic world if Matt Donovan gets to live instead of Elena.
He's so fucking angry. So. Fucking. Angry.
This wasn't supposed to happen to her. She was supposed to get everything she wanted; she was supposed to live. Sure, he used to think it was stupid, her dream for a happy little human life, because he loves being a vampire. But she never wanted this, and it wasn't supposed to happen.
Fucking Stefan and his choices.
... ... ...
She remembers everything.
It's strange, the way it all comes back to her. Like all of the sudden, pieces of the puzzle she didn't know were missing suddenly fall into place.
They did meet first.
Funny how that changes everything and nothing, all at once.
She made her choice, and she's standing by it. She loves Stefan. It's always been Stefan, and it will always be Stefan. Forever. (That's one part of this whole situation that she definitely doesn't mind.)
... ... ...
Stefan's a fucking idiot if he thinks Elena can survive on animal blood alone. Her best shot is to just accept what she is and embrace it. That's what Damon did (eventually), and he manages just fine. Just because Stefan is tortured by his blood lust doesn't mean Elena has to be. And she will be, if she goes along with this.
Trust me. You'll be miserable.
... ... ...
She wants to believe Stefan so badly, because the thought of hurting someone makes her physically sick. But she knows that on some level Damon's right. Vampires survive on human blood. She's seen both sides of that coin; she's seen how it can be done in moderation (Damon) and how it can completely consume you (Stefan). On one hand, she's terrified of what the blood lust will do to her; on the other hand, she's terrified of what will happen if she ignores it.
It doesn't matter, anyway, because she can't keep the animal blood down. It tastes like acid going down (and coming back up). But she can't let Stefan know, because he has so much hope that this will work, that he can save her from herself. She knows he's struggling with guilt over the part he played in turning her, and if there's one thing she knows about Stefan, it's that there's nothing she can do about that guilt. It's part of who he is.
So she'll keep trying, let him think it's working, that he's helping her, because she loves him and she wants him to be happy.
(Also, because she has no idea what else to do.)
... ... ...
Letting Elena drink his blood is a dick move, he'll admit it. But let the record show that she came to him for help because Stefan's stupid bunny diet isn't working. And since she refuses to drink actual human blood, this is the only alternative he can think of.
It doesn't matter, anyway, because it doesn't work. She can't even keep the blood bag down, and with her heightened emotions, she's about to have a meltdown. He fucking hates it, because this shouldn't be happening to her.
(At least Donovan finally makes himself useful for once. Can't have a new vampire going postal at a funeral.)
... ... ...
She may have gone to Damon for help with the whole blood situation, but when the grief starts to overwhelm her, she knows Stefan is the only one who can help. He always knows exactly what to say, exactly what to do.
They - all of them - need to stop pushing away the grief and start healing. Lighting the lanterns might not actually fix anything, but as she lets hers float into the night sky, she feels a little bit of the weight lift off her chest. For the first time in a long time, she feels like everything just might be okay.
... ... ...
He shouldn't even be here. He doesn't know why the hell he's still hanging around. Elena chose… well, she sure as hell didn't choose him. He told Stefan that if she picked him, Damon would leave town and let them be happy.
So why the hell can't he just pick up and leave?
Because he's got too many attachments, damn it. Because Alaric's gone, and someone's gotta make sure these idiots don't fucking kill each other.
Because if today is any indication, Elena might not have picked him, but she still needs him, and he's still in love with her, so.
Just fighting with my brother and takin' care of the kids.
His life has been reduced to one big, never-ending babysitting job. Fuck.
... ... ...
Grief. Hurt. Hate. Rage. Joy. Love. Lust. Hunger.
She's always been controlled by her emotions, but not like this. She's never had to try so hard to keep her emotions from overruling her common sense. On the other side of it, her burning desire to kill Rebekah seems childish. Pointless. And yet, in that moment, she'd felt like it was the only thing she could do.
And now, with Matt? She could have (no, would have) killed him if Damon hadn't stopped her. All because of this hunger that consumes her every thought.
The Stefan diet didn't work. Blood bags don't work, and it's clear that her arrangement with Matt isn't working either. Blood sharing is (apparently) not an option. So she supposes she doesn't have a choice other than to trust Damon. She's seen how he can control his blood lust. She just needs to learn how to do it herself.
... ... ...
Okay, so the blood-lusty dance party at Whitmore got a little out of hand. He can admit it; he let her get caught up in it. He taught her how to feed, and then he pushed her too far.
The thing is, he really was trying to help. He was trying to show her that it doesn't have to be gloom and doom and depression. Being a vampire can be fun. And it worked. Regardless of how the night ended, she was, at one point, having fun.
With him.
He won't lie; he reveled a bit in the fact that she was there with him and not Stefan. He relished the time he got to spend with her, the time that she was actually enjoying herself with him for the first time in a while. He liked seeing her that way. The bottom line is that he actually likes vampire Elena, even though Stefan doesn't. (He won't admit it, but Damon knows it's true.)
He doesn't even really feel bad, because Stefan's being sketchy, and then the idiot vervains him, so now he really doesn't feel bad. He doesn't even feel bad when Stefan tells him why he's being sketchy, because the cure probably doesn't even exist.
But then Elena kills the hunter, says she did it because he told her to, and promptly falls apart.
Now he feels bad.
... ... ...
It's bad enough that she killed someone.
(She killed someone. Will there ever be a time when thinking about it doesn't make her want to die?)
Now she's literally being haunted by his ghost. A ghost who knows how to prey on every insecurity, every dark thought she's ever had. It's agonizing, and before she knows it she's on Wickery Bridge, and her daylight ring's in the river, and burning to death seems like pure bliss.
Until… Damon.
Stefan's right. She trusts Damon, and he has a way of making sense to her when nothing else does. She's been trying to pretend that becoming a vampire didn't change anything, didn't change who she is, but that's not true. Because she's not the same girl she was when she died on the bridge. She can't be. She's changed, and the girl she is now wants different things than that other girl did.
That girl chose Stefan. She stood by her choice, she tried to make it work, but she can't keep pretending she's still that girl.
Because this girl wants Damon.
... ... ...
He hates that Stefan's hurting. Yes, he's a sadistic, selfish asshole, but he cares about his brother.
Okay, he's not really sorry they broke up, but it's not like Elena's gonna come running straight into his arms. It's been, like, five minutes. He thinks maybe things will play out in his favor in the long run, but right now, she's gonna need some time.
Or not, because evidently she just can't wait to tell him the reason they broke up.
You.
If he were anybody else, he'd describe that moment in some stupid way, like how his heart leapt out of his chest or he wept with joy. But he's Damon Salvatore, so he'll just say he's really fucking happy, okay? After all this time, after everything that's happened, finally, finally things might be going his way.
They don't get to have their moment then, because contrary to popular belief, Damon actually does have priorities other than Elena, but if the way their eyes lock across the dance floor is any indication, they'll get their moment.
(Moments, plural, if he has anything to say about it.)
(What? Can't a guy be a little optimistic every once in a while?)
... ... ...
It's the only way to fix all of this.
Well, at least Stefan finally told her how he really feels about her being a vampire.
She gets it. She understands his fixation on the cure, because human Elena chose him. He doesn't like vampire Elena because she's different, because she wants different things. Because she doesn't want him.
The thing is, now that they've broken things off, she feels like she can finally be who she is. Like she was holding herself back for Stefan's sake, because he kept treating her like she's the same person she was before she died. And the more the new Elena emerged, the more things splintered between them. She's not sorry about it, because she's finally starting to accept that she's a vampire. She feels like she can take control of the dark places inside her, control them, harness them into something good. She won't (she can't) be someone she's not to make Stefan happy.
Damon accepts her this way. Damon even likes her this way. That's not why she changed her mind, but she needs to surround herself with people like that. And if Stefan can't, then she doesn't want to be around him. Not now.
... ... ...
It sucks for her that she can't stay at home anymore, but he can't say he minds that she basically moved in with him today. Regardless of recent… revelations, he likes having her around, likes spending time with her, so it's no skin off his nose.
Then she starts rambling about how no one likes her this way, and he wants to punch all of them, because it's not like she can help what she is. Something horrible happened to her, and she wallowed in it for a while, but now she's making the best of it. Anyone who tries to make her feel like she's a lesser person can go straight to hell, because if you ask him, she's more herself than he's ever seen her before.
I wanted to dance with you today.
He doesn't hesitate, because she deserves to be happy, and if a dance will do that for her, well, he won't deny her that. (He's so fucking in love with her, damn it.)
Then she's kissing him. She's kissing him and shoving him up against a wall and ripping his shirt open and damn, he's really fucking glad Stefan found somewhere else to stay tonight.
... ... ...
She wakes up to Damon's sleeping face and she feels like her heart might burst. She's happy. Pure, unadulterated joy. She doesn't remember the last time she felt this way, and after everything that's happened, she thought she might never feel it again.
I'm happy.
There goes her heart again, because she doesn't know if she's ever seen Damon truly happy, either. He's smiling instead of smirking, and she thinks she'll do anything in the world to keep that smile on his face. Including keep their secret from Stefan for (at least) one day.
But of course, this is her life we're talking about. She should've known it couldn't just be that easy.
... ... ...
A fucking sire bond.
Really?
He cannot fucking believe this. He finally gets the girl, finally gets to have everything he ever wanted. He's finally happy, for all of, like, five seconds, and then something has to go and bring his ivory tower crashing down around him.
If he's being honest, he knew the second the words came out of Stefan's mouth that he was right. He tried to deny it, rationalize it in his mind, but this is his life we're talking about here, so of course it's true. He should've known it was all too good to be true, that there had to be a catch. The blood bag just confirms it.
It just fucking sucks. He's been in love with her for the better part of the last two years. He waited so patiently for her to finally be ready to give him a chance, and now that she is, it's because of a fucking sire bond. Or, maybe it's not, and she truly wants to be with him. The problem is that now he doesn't know what her true feelings are, and he's terrified that she doesn't either.
He knows what he has to do. He has to be strong enough to let her go. Because he's selfish, yes, but he can't be selfish with her. Not about this.
... ... ...
She's sick and tired of everyone questioning the way she feels, telling her it's not real. Because she knows what she feels is real, even before Tyler tells her how the sire bond works. She knows herself. These aren't new feelings. This is everything she felt for him before she turned, but magnified. She's falling for him, fast, and she hates that he's questioning everything.
She knows what he's going to do. She doesn't want him to do it, because she wants to be with him. Not because it'll make him happy, but because it'll make her happy. God, after everything she's been through, doesn't she deserve a little happiness?
... ... ...
He sets her free, and it breaks his fucking heart.
He knows it's the right thing to do. He won't ever truly know if her feelings for him are based in the sire bond, so he could never really be happy anyway. But the look on her face… it's almost enough to make him take it back.
He knows she cares about him. She always has, even when she's hated him. But until they figure all this out, until they find away to break the bond and he knows it's real, this is the way it has to be.
(He needs a goddamn drink.)
... ... ...
She hates this. She hates everything about this whole situation. She misses him, and she can't stop thinking about him, and it's almost killing her to stay away from him. But is that the sire bond, or is that just how she feels about him? It sucks that she has to second-guess everything she feels.
Thankfully (annoyingly), Rebekah's compulsion answers the question for her.
She's in love with him. She's been in love with him since… well, she's pretty sure it stretches back to before she and Stefan got back together, before she turned. She thinks she's been trying to push it away all this time, because loving him scares the hell out of her. Loving Stefan was different - he's kind, and gentle, and dependable, and she knew that he would never, ever hurt her, if he could help it. But Damon… he's dangerous. He's emotional and impulsive and, yes, selfish. He keeps her on her toes. And it scares the hell out of her.
Choosing Stefan was the easy way out, because it meant she wouldn't have to face that what she feels for Damon is so much stronger, so much more real than anything she's ever felt in her life.
This is not the sire bond. This is love. And she needs him to know.
... ... ...
I love you, Damon.
Fuck. He's waited so damn long to hear her say those words. And maybe it is the sire bond, in which case he shouldn't ask her to come to him, but he's selfish and weak and he needs to see her, okay? She loves him. He thinks he doesn't even care anymore if it's not real, because it feels so good to hear her say it.
He decides then and there that he'll get this goddamn cure. He'll do whatever it takes to get it for her, so she can finally be free of being a vampire, free of the sire bond. And yeah, maybe she'll go back to being human and the sire bond will be gone and she won't love him anymore, but at least he'll know for sure. Because the alternative is that she really does love him, and when the sire bond is gone, they can finally be together. For real.
She loves him, and he loves her, and even if it's not gonna last forever, he just wants to enjoy it, at least for a little while.
... ... ...
If she's really honest with herself, she's known all along how he feels about the cure. She knows he doesn't want it, because he likes being a vampire, and he doesn't want to give it up.
(Not even for her, as much as that hurts.)
So she has a choice to make. She can take the cure, be human again, have the life she's always wanted, and let Damon go. Or, she can stay a vampire, find a way to break the sire bond, and finally get to be with him. Forever.
She wishes everything didn't have to be so damn complicated.
... ... ...
Jeremy's gone. So is the cure, but that's the least of their worries right now, because Elena's in denial, and when she finally comes out of it, she'll be on the verge of a colossal breakdown.
She said it herself not too long ago. Jeremy is (was) the only thing holding her together. He's the last of her family, and when it all finally hits her, the grief is going to consume her. Stefan wants him to use the sire bond to convince her that it'll be okay, but when she's hyperventilating on the floor in his arms, he's not so sure it's strong enough. But he can use the sire bond to get her to do something that is strong enough.
Turn it off.
The light goes out of her eyes, and her grief vanishes.
(He might regret this later, but at least now, she doesn't have to feel the pain.)
... ... ...
She doesn't know why any vampire wants to feel anything, ever. Turning her humanity off is the best decision she's ever made. She doesn't have to care so much anymore. It's exhausting, and pointless, and she's glad that part of her life is over. She has freedom now. She can do whatever the hell she wants, and she doesn't have to worry about things like feelings and consequences, because she doesn't care.
She doesn't know why everyone's so worried. She's fine. She's great, actually. It's like all of her memories have been reframed; she remembers everything that happened, but without all the emotional baggage that comes with it. Her parents? Dead. Jenna? Dead. Alaric? Dead. Jeremy? Dead. She loves that the word dead doesn't want to make her fall to pieces anymore, because there are a lot of dead people in her past, and that would be exhausting.
The Salvatore brothers are gonna try to save her. She's not stupid enough to believe they actually want her to stay this way, even though Damon's the one who asked (sired) her to do it. But she doesn't want their help. She doesn't want the cure, and she doesn't want to turn her emotions back on. She doesn't want to be saved, and she doesn't understand why they care so damn much.
She's fine. She feels nothing. Life is good.
... ... ...
Of course Katherine fucking Pierce is the one who made off with the cure. Bitch may be in hiding for all eternity, but she just can't seem to mind her own damn business. She is constantly making his life difficult, especially now.
They need that cure for Elena. If they can get her to take it, she won't have a humanity switch anymore, and the sire bond will be gone, and this whole twisted mess disappears. And they need to do it soon, because they can't have her running around eating all the cheerleaders in the tri-county area. (Apparently the sire bond doesn't exist if she doesn't care. Good to know.)
Rebekah has a point, though. If the sire bond's broken, then why would he want her to be human? Human Elena was Team Stefan, and who's to say she won't revert straight back to that? And honestly, with the whole no-humanity thing, he can appreciate the art of a good emotionless binge. It can be cleansing for the soul every once in a while. (Selfish and sadistic are his default settings.)
Be honest. You like me better like this.
She's not entirely wrong, but the problem is that if she doesn't have her emotions, she doesn't love him. And he still loves her, so you see the dilemma here. She has to turn it back on, and if she won't, they have to find a way to make her.
Which brings him right back to the cure.
The trip to the Big Apple is supposed to kill two birds with one stone - chase a lead on the cure, and show Elena a good time away from the drama of Mystic Falls. No harm, no foul. Except that despite Stefan's warnings, he definitely underestimated her, and she played him like a tambourine. If they're not careful, she's gonna be Katherine 2.0, and we all know how that turned out for him.
Fuck. They really need to find that cure.
... ... ...
She'd say she's pissed off that Damon played her, but that would imply that she cares, which she doesn't. She just doesn't want to take the cure, and she doesn't want them to find it and ram it down her throat, so she needs to go on the offensive.
(She'll admit that his pathetic little attempts to change her mind were mildly annoying. Every day you're like this is a day that you might do the one thing you can't take back. Boo hoo. His sob story might have worked if she, you know, cared.)
If you ask her, Rebekah's an idiot for wanting to be human again, but if she takes the cure, then Elena doesn't have to, and she gets to stay this way forever.
She just needs the Salvatore brothers to let her. (Don't worry. She's got a plan.)
... ... ...
Thank God his moment of weakness didn't cost them the actual cure, because Elena without her humanity is a ruthless, stone-cold bitch.
She almost turned prom night into a blood bath. He doesn't care if she goes after their vampire friends, because they can withstand (almost) anything she throws at them. But going after Bonnie is another story, because she's not immortal. (He's worried about Bonnie. That's how he knows things are twisted.) Fortunately for him, Bonnie's got other ways to protect herself, and when she retaliates and almost kills Elena, Damon sees it in her eyes.
Fear.
She might be a stone-cold bitch, but she's a stone-cold bitch who can be saved.
She's too smart to be scared of them, and she's so vindictive that she pisses Katherine off enough to let her go. Basically, they suck at this, because they'd never actually do anything to hurt her. But if there's one thing Damon can do, it's play the game to get what he wants. He's never been afraid to be the bad guy if it means shit gets done. And this shit needs to get done.
(He knew Donovan was wearing the eternity ring. He made sure of it, because while the QB might be expendable to Damon, he's not to Elena, which is the point. And, as it turns out, it's the wave that finally breaks down the dam.)
... ... ...
All this time, she's been trying to avoid her emotions when really, her emotions are the answers to all her problems. She channels them all into anger and hate, because Katherine is the root of almost every bad thing that's ever happened to her, to the people she loves. Caroline. Jeremy. Even Damon and Stefan. It all comes back to Katherine, and Elena's had enough.
She'll admit it's a little over the top, but if she lets the anger go, even just a little bit, she'll be trapped under an avalanche of emotions. She may have turned them back on, but she's not ready for that, not yet.
Not until she sees Jeremy again.
All the hate, the rage, the grief. It's all gone. And maybe this is a distraction, too, because the veil has to go back up eventually, but at least she gets to see him. She gets to spend time with him, and Alaric. She gets to have a family again, at least for a little while. So even if she drowns in the emotions when this is all over, it'll be worth it, because she finally gets a chance to say goodbye.
... ... ...
She wasn't sure she'd ever see her high school graduation, to be honest. She could have died at least a hundred times over the last two years. (One of those times, she actually did die.) With everything they've been through, everything that's happened, she never thought far enough ahead to imagine this moment, but here it is.
Here it is, and she's grateful. Because even though she died, even though she's not human, she still gets to have these amazing human experiences with the people she loves. They're all here, and they're all graduating, together. It's more than she ever could have hoped for, more than she ever could have dreamed of, and that, she thinks, is why humanity is a beautiful thing. Because she can be here, with the handful of people who have stood by her through it all, and she can feel every wonderful moment of joy, of love, of gratitude.
Emotions aren't just what make her who she is. They're what make life worth living, even when she's dead.
... ... ...
He knows she's mad at him, and honestly, he doesn't even really care. He's just glad she finally cares enough to be mad, to be pissed off that he wanted to die.
No, he's not just glad, he loves it, because she's herself again. She's Elena. Elena with her emotions, but without a sire bond. He's not sure where that leaves him, because sure, she was in love with him before, and she obviously cares about him now, but there's a whole mess of other things they need to work through to make sense of where they stand.
But that's okay, because he's already written out their tragic ending in his head. She'll come in here, all doe-eyed and teary. He'll get an Elena-fied version of the it's not you, it's me speech, tied into some sob story about how she doesn't wanna lose him. He can almost hear her now: It'll always be Stefan.
He can't let himself get his hopes up about their happy ending because he's never gotten one of those before, and he doesn't know why anything would change this time around.
So when she comes stomping into the living room to give him a piece of her mind, he decides to give her a piece of his instead. He gives her every reason in the world to turn her back on him and walk away. Hell, he's given her more than enough reasons to walk away since the day they met. He doesn't know why she gives even the slightest damn about him, because he's completely wrong for her in every way, and he'll never be the person she wants him to be.
Her little speech in return starts out just the way he thought it might. But just when he thinks she's gonna leave him in the dust, she surprises the hell out of him.
I'm not sorry that I'm in love with you.
Holy shit. Did that just happen?
(And why the fuck is he still standing all the way over here?)
She loves him, and it's for real this time. She's not conflicted over her feelings for Stefan, and she's not blinded by a sire bond, and she loves him.
He kisses her before she can change her mind.
... ... ...
Later, when they're lying side by side, his sleeping face just inches from hers, she marvels at everything it took for them to get to this point.
Stefan Salvatore walked into her life for a reason. For a long time, she thought it was to save her from herself, to show her what true love is, to be the answer to her prayers. And she was right, for a while; Stefan was all those things, and he did all those things.
But he also brought her to Damon.
If Stefan had never saved her life two years ago, if he hadn't stuck around Mystic Falls to get to know her, if she had never fallen in love with him or gotten mixed up in everything a life with him entailed, she never would have met Damon. She never would have met the most selfish, stubborn, infuriating man she's ever known. And she never would have known how it feels to love him, and to be loved by him.
She's the kind of person who believes everything happens for a reason, because despite all the horrible things that have happened since the Salvatore brothers walked into her life two years ago, it all led her to this moment, right here, with this man. The man she loves. To wish away the Salvatore brothers would mean to wish away the greatest love she's ever known. And she wouldn't give that up for the world.