Um, hi, guys. I don't know if anyone is still out there reading this, but I figured I should update this anyway. Life's been insane, and I've taken a step back from this fic. I actually just moved to a country halfway across the world to teach English, so I'm still reeling from that change. A long time ago, I made a promise to myself to never leave a fic unfinished on this site. One of my absolute favorite stories has been unfinished since 2013 and I can't do that to you guys. I can't promise to update regularly - my life right now just won't allow that. BUT, I am going to go back to this story and keep writing it. I still have the outline of what happens and the skeletons of a couple chapters.

So, the ostrich is back, at least for this fic! Hopefully, there's at least someone out there that is still interested, haha. Almost three years later...

Crutchie smiled as he set down extra plates at the Holloway's dining room table. Clark and Syd's families were going to be coming over for dinner that night. It had been a couple weeks since the older Holloway boys and their wives had come to visit and Crutchie missed the friendly banter between all of the Holloway children.

As a kid, before he had changed his name, Crutchie had wondered what it would be like to have siblings. He had created an older brother, a superhero, practically, that protected him from the monsters that crouched beneath his bed, the ghosts that dragged fingers of condensation across the windows, and the ghouls that cooked him dinner and shoved him to the ground when he didn't obey quickly enough. On the worst nights, Crutchie would crouch under his blankets and whisper prayers to his older brother, simply begging that things would change.

It never did.

That is, until Crutchie was stricken with polio and maybe she had been right and it had been murder, but Crutchie had been so young that he wasn't entirely sure—

"Crutchie."

Hearing his name, Crutchie tore himself from those awful memories, blinking rapidly to dispel the shadows of doubt that clung to those thoughts. "Um, yeah?" he asked.

Sue blinked at him. "You just put half of those plates down upside down."

Crutchie glanced at the table in surprise. "Oh, sorry," he apologized, quickly rectifying those faults. "I guess I wasn't paying much attention," he joked, chuckling weakly.

"Are you okay?" Sue asked.

"Yeah, 'course I am."

Sue regarded Crutchie carefully and Crutchie knew that she didn't believe him for a moment. "Have you talked to Jack?" she asked.

That surprised Crutchie. He hadn't expected Sue to recognize that everything wasn't the same between the two friends. Crutchie had only just realized the night before that Jack was upset about how much time he was spending with Jessie, that Jack feared he was unwanted. And, Crutchie doubted that Jack would have ever told him any of that, had the older man not been drunk. "Um, kinda," Crutchie replied. "I need to talk to him again tonight. I just…" Crutchie sighed.

He had tried to approach Jack during the day, but hadn't had much luck. To begin with, Jack nearly overslept and had barely managed to stumble out to the dining room before Jessie and Crutchie headed out to start their day on the ranch. Jack had wordlessly accepted the mug of coffee that Crutchie had saved for him. Before Crutchie could even attempt to broach the topic of who was abandoning who, Jessie had dragged him out of the door. If the hurt look Jack had tried to hide had been anything to go by, that action did not help Crutchie's case in the slightest.

For the rest of the afternoon, Jack had somehow managed to work on the chores that kept him across the ranch from Crutchie. Jessie noticed the rift between the friends and had listened as Crutchie tried to explain what was going on. Crutchie had leaned back against the tree and told her everything and it was nice. Not the situation, because Crutchie just really wanted everything to go back to being the same between him and Jack. It was nice, however, to have someone that he could just talk to and they would listen and offer advice at all the right places and simply be there for him.

Crutchie glanced back up at Sue, surprised that she was still standing there. After he had trailed off, Crutchie had assumed that Sue would head back to the kitchen and finish preparing dinner or something. But she just stood there, waiting. "I'm going to talk to him," Crutchie finished. "I promise. I just haven't found the right time yet."

"Well, don't wait forever," Sue advised. "You two aren't ever very good at avoiding each other. It just ends up hurting both of you."

And Sue was right. Sue was always right, Crutchie knew. He and Jack may be best friends. Brothers, even. But, that did not keep the pair from fighting. It wasn't as often as Syd and JT or Jessie and any of her brothers, but their fights were more dangerous. While the Holloway children had plenty of arguments and there had been too many times that a salt shaker whizzed through the air, the siblings generally made up the next day.

Since Jack and Crutchie didn't fight as much, their arguments lasted longer. One of them would say something they didn't mean, and, in the rashness of it all, they wouldn't take it back and the words would fester. Eventually, one of them would bend and they'd forgive and forget. Except, this wasn't a fight or an argument. Sue had it all wrong. This was just a misunderstanding. Once Crutchie talked through it all with Jack, he'd understand and everything would go back to normal.

"I know. Don't worry about it," Crutchie reassured Sue.

She nodded, before returning to the kitchen. Crutchie still wasn't sure how much Sue believed him, but that was immaterial; he would talk to Jack. He would explain just how important Jack was to him. Or, rather, he would try. Crutchie wasn't sure if words alone could express how much of a godsend Jack Kelly had been to him back when he was at the absolute lowest place in his life.

The sound of the door shutting startled Crutchie and he jumped, before turning to face the incomer. "Jack," Crutchie started, quickly heading over to the older man. "We have to talk," he explained, "about last night—"

"Don't worry about it," Jack muttered, brushing past Crutchie. "I'm sure I said all sorts of things that I didn't mean."

"But, that's the thing, Jack. I think you did mean them and I just want to make sure that you know—"

"Crutchie, just stop. Okay? We're good, yeah?"

"I mean, yeah," Crutchie agreed, confused, "but I thought that you were worried that I was, I don't know, replacing you with Jessie."

Jack stared at Crutchie. "Are you?"

"No! Of course, not!" Crutchie promised. "We're brothers," he insisted.

Jack's eyes narrowed. "What are you hiding?" he asked.

Crutchie stiffened. "N-nothing, Jack." He smiled falsely. "I'm an open book."

"Crutchie, I ain't an idiot. I know that you're not telling me everything and I—"

"Uncle Crutchie!"

The shout tore Crutchie's attention from Jack and his accusing words. He barely managed to turn in time before Wesley barreled into his legs. "Oh, hey, Wesley," Crutchie said, patting the three year old's head distractedly. Crutchie glanced at Jack, who rolled his eyes, starting away. "Jack!" Crutchie called out. "We need to talk," he tried. "After dinner, we need to talk."

"Why?" Jack asked, his tone sharp. "So that you can lie about something else to me?"

"Jack," Crutchie tried, but the older man had left the dining room.

"Are you and Uncle Jack fighting?" Wesley asked quietly.

Crutchie shook his head, leading Wesley to the table. "No, we're just arguing." When Wesley didn't look convinced, Crutchie continued, "It's different than fighting."

"It sure sounded like you were fighting," Wesley said seriously. He nodded his head. "I think you were fighting."

"Well, we weren't," Crutchie bit out. "You wouldn't understand, Wesley. You're just a kid."

Wesley frowned. "I'm not just a kid. And I know that you were fighting." He tore his hand out of Crutchie's grasp. "I'm going to go sit with Uncle JT," he told Crutchie, before leaving the dining rom.

Crutchie sighed, collapsing into his normal seat. Great. Jack didn't want to talk to him, and now Wesley didn't like him anymore. "Hey…" a familiar, soft voice started, "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Crutchie muttered. He flinched at Jessie's soft touch, then winced. Crutchie didn't know why her touch frightened him, why he couldn't just accept her kindness. "I just…" he paused, unsure where he should go with this. Crutchie didn't want to have to choose between Jessie or Jack. Was it too much to want both of them to be huge parts in his life? No matter, there was never any question who he would choose over the other. "Jessie," Crutchie whispered, "I can't do this."

"Do what?" Jessie asked, scooting away from him.

"Any of this," he said, gesturing between the two of them.

"W-what are you saying?" Jessie asked, her voice hardening.

Crutchie shrugged. "I—I don't want… I can't. Not right now. Maybe not ever."

"Oh. I see," Jessie muttered. "I never should've…"

"No, you don't see," Crutchie bit out. "I can't— It's not that you… I just can't…" Crutchie trailed off, unsure of how to word the dark thoughts that had consumed him for so long. It wasn't Jessie. It had never been Jessie. Crutchie should never have thought that he could… "I—" Crutchie cut himself off, when Jessie stood up.

"It's all about you, huh?" Jessie asked, the words caustic. "Stupid—You're so selfish!" she spat, before storming out of the room.

Crutchie felt as if his chest was tightening, suddenly constraining. Had he really messed up the two friendships that he depended on in one fell swoop? He couldn't… He needed to talk to Jack. But, Jack didn't want to talk to Crutchie, had told him as much only minutes earlier. And it wasn't as if he could talk to Jessie, either. No, he had messed everything up in the span of five short minutes. "Great work, Crutch," he muttered to himself. For the first time in nearly four years, Race's offer to come out to New York and live with him was more than just appealing. He could pack everything up tonight and just be on the next train to New York. It would be so easy. Crutchie would just be gone. No more need to worry about some stupid, selfish cripple. Jessie's words echoed in his mind, still smarting, still painful. And Jack's words, from all those years ago: How can you be so stupid? You're just being selfish, Crutchie. Well, it looks as if Jessie had finally picked up on the truth that Jack had noticed years previous.

"Are you okay?"

Crutchie glanced up at Clark, blinking against the tears that threatened to spill over any moment now. "Yeah, I'm fine. How's Jed been? Is Wesley taller already? He seems taller—"

Clark sat down beside Crutchie. "Come on, kid. What's really up?"

"Nothing, Clark, honest. I'm just… tired." Clark watched Crutchie carefully, no doubt waiting for the younger man to tell him the truth of what was going on. Crutchie wouldn't bend that easily.

"Tired, huh?"

"Yeah, JT keeps snoring and you'd think I would have gotten used to that after four years of sharing a bedroom with him, but for some reason I still can't sleep very well. I mean, I can if I go to sleep first, but if he's snoring, then I can't seem to sleep all that well," Crutchie rambled, grabbing onto the new thread of conversation like a life preserver.

Clark nodded, and Crutchie started to believe that maybe Clark would just accept Crutchie's excuse at face value. Until he spoke. "That's crap. Wesley said you and Jack are fighting."

"Wesley's three," Crutchie tried.

"Yeah, and he's really quite perceptive for a toddler. Mae-Anne and I can't keep anything from him. So, what's going on with you and Jack?"

"It's really nothing. We got into an argument. I'm going to talk to him tonight," Crutchie explained. If he will even let you, a cruel voice reminded. What if Jack refused to talk to him ever again? What if Jack had finally recognized that it wasn't worth it to be friends with Crutchie, that he would never get anything out of the friendship, except be dragged down.

Well, then, Crutchie would just go back to New York and forget everything that had ever happened with, both, Jack and Jessie. Really? that familiar voice asked. You're just going to forget everything from age eight, upwards? Twelve years down the drain?

Clark nodded. "Talk to Jack," he advised. "Don't leave stuff unresolved."

"I know," Crutchie agreed. Because he did. He did know. But that didn't make it any easier. The only thing, Crutchie decided, that would be even remotely easy, would just be running for New York. It would be so easy to just get on that train and never look back. "Would… What would you think if I wanted to go back to New York?" Crutchie asked, the words hesitant.

To Crutchie's surprise, Clark didn't appear shocked by the question. He observed Crutchie thoughtfully, before he started, "Back to New York? I think that—"

"I'm home!" JT's shout interrupted Clark, and the tall redhead sat down at the table across from Crutchie and Clark. "You will not believe the day I've had today," he announced. "Sheriff Palmer brought his granddaughter, Veronica, to work today and, Crutch, you would not believe how amazing she is. I've never been so interested in a girl before. She's just… I don't know, Crutch, but you'll have to meet her sometime. Hey, Clark," JT added, grinning at his older brother, "How have you been?"

"I've been good. And, Crutchie, I was thinking—"

Crutchie stood up, cutting Clark off. "Tell me later," he told the older man. "I think I'm going to check if Sue needs any more help with dinner or…" he trailed off, eventually just settling for leaving the two Holloway boys at the table and making his way to the kitchen.

He heard JT asking Clark what was wrong, but Crutchie didn't bother to indicate that he had heard the hushed question. Let JT wonder. He didn't care. Crutchie would be leaving for New York just as soon as…

Crutchie stopped, observing the controlled chaos of the Holloway home. Sue was ushering her children into the dining room, Jed nestled comfortably in her arms. Syd and Jack were discussing something that had Jack laughing, his eyes crinkled with a joy that was so painfully familiar to Crutchie. Debby was standing next to Mae-Anne, their conversation animated by the waves of their hands. Jessie had Wesley on her hip, carrying the child to the table, laughing as she whispered something in his ear. JT and Clark must've moved on from Crutchie as the topic of conversation, because JT was smiling, running his hand through his thick red hair. Claude's hand rested at the small of Sue's back, as he watched his family interact with one another. It was so happy, so joyful, so full of love, and Crutchie didn't think he wanted to leave this.

It was selfish, Crutchie knew that, but he could not give up his one opportunity to have a family. No, he would not run to New York again. That wouldn't help; it would only make him feel worse, even more unwanted. Instead, Crutchie would stay with the Holloways, extraneous, but tolerated.

Which meant that he would need to fix everything with Jack and Jessie. Crutchie winced, wondering how he would manage to do that. Jack was stubborn, a quality that had assisted in the strike, but would make it more difficult for Crutchie to manage to speak with his elder brother, practically. Especially, since Crutchie knew that Jack was upset that Crutchie wasn't telling him everything. And, if he couldn't tell Jack about his and Jessie's relationship, then how would Crutchie ever be able to resolve that growing rift in their friendship? It was impossible. Jack may speak to him, but he wouldn't trust the younger man, Crutchie was certain.

And, Jessie. What would he tell her? That he had put Jack first and wanted to make sure that his friendship with the older boy was intact before he even attempted a relationship? Or would he speak those hefty, unwieldy truths that reminded him that he would never be able to love anyone the way that they deserved? How would he ever explain to her the fears that clutched his heart, gnawing and worrying at any feelings he may have for her? Crutchie sighed. Perhaps it would be best if he just didn't speak to Jessie again, allowed that attempt at a relationship to fall into the darkness, never to be thought of again.

"Crutchie, are you going to join us for dinner?" Sue asked, her voice breaking the cycle of worried, painful thoughts that seemed to consume Crutchie's mind. Crutchie noticed that she was regarding him carefully, and suspected that she understood more of what Crutchie was thinking than he cared for her—or anyone else, for that matter—to know.

"Uh, yes. Yes, I will," Crutchie said, blushing slightly as he noticed everyone in the Holloway family was staring at him. The only open seat was beside JT, which was fine. Crutchie was simply grateful that he wouldn't need to sit by Jack or Jessie. At least not yet. Not until he had figured everything out with them.

"Are you okay?" JT whispered, as soon as Crutchie sat down beside him.

"Oh, yeah, fine," Crutchie replied, the grin shaky. "But, you had been saying that you met the sheriff's granddaughter? What's she like?" Crutchie asked, quickly diverting the conversation to safer waters, where he wouldn't be interrogated, where no one could discover the dark thoughts that traversed his brain.

JT grinned and immediately began explaining to Crutchie every little fabulous detail about the sheriff's granddaughter. As JT chattered, Crutchie took the time to discreetly observe Jack. The older man was still talking with Syd, and he seemed completely happy and carefree. Much happier than he had been with Crutchie, for as long as Crutchie could remember. No, he wouldn't want to talk later tonight, if ever.

Crutchie's eyes shifted to Jessie, who was talking to Mae-Anne about something. She, too, seemed happy. Completely unaffected by Crutchie admitting that he couldn't be in a relationship with her. And, of course, she would be unaffected. She didn't care, didn't need Crutchie around. No one in the Holloway family did.

"She sounds great," Crutchie told JT, when he noticed the other man had fallen silent. "She'd make a fabulous addition to the family."

JT laughed. "Oh, I'm not thinking that too far ahead," he confessed. "She's just pretty."

He continued talking, but Crutchie stopped listening. Crutchie had belonged for four, short, happy years. No more. Crutchie sighed. It wasn't as if he had expected it to last much longer. He had never truly fit into a family, and the Holloways would just be one more family to add to ever-lengthening list of his failures.

Not the most exciting of chapters, but we've got to lay some groundwork before everything falls apart, trust me! Let me know what you think! Reveiws really make or break authors; trust me, it was reading through a couple recent reviews that prompted me to dust this chapter off and get back into the swing of things with this story.