CHAPTER 1

Diary of Dracule Mihawk, entry #951:

Came back to the castle today and was looking forward to some peace and quiet after that fiasco at Marineford. Peace and quiet didn't happen. Found that idiot Roronoa having a shouting match on the grand staircase with some girl with pink hair.

I do not understand.

… … …

Perona was bored. There wasn't much to do in this dreary place. Not that she minded the "dreary" part much… But "dreary" was not at all amusing when she had no minions to entertain her. Roronoa Zoro and Dracule Mihawk were, sadly, not minion material. They weren't cute enough. Moreover, Roronoa Zoro had the irritating tendency to snap back, thus obliging her to unleash hollows on him half the time. While it was quite satisfying to see him fall to his knees and declare his secret desire to turn into a ball of moss, it could get pretty exhausting for her. As for Mihawk… He had the irritating tendency to be impervious to her hollows unless truly caught unawares.

She – or rather her astral form – floated through the hallways, looking for something to do. Mihawk had gone off somewhere in the morning after barking orders at Zoro, instructing him to practice something or other. Zoro was somewhere outside following instructions, no doubt.

Why Kuma decided to strand her with two men whose only preoccupations in life were swords and alcohol she did not know. Maybe he'd thought it would be amusing to kill her through boredom.

She floated her way into the dining/living/all-purpose room. She didn't know what to call it, although usually she just went with "dining room." It was a large room with a long table and several high-backed chairs, and they had their meals there. At the far end of the room were three armchairs, an old rug, and a tall bookcase that stretched from floor to ceiling.

Guess I'll read something.

There was a ladder attached to the bookcase, but who needs ladders when one can fly? A little kick pushed her right up to the top shelf and she looked at the books there. Nothing of interest there. She descended to the next shelf, and the one after that… All boring. Mihawk apparently read nothing but books on swords and fighting and battles. No, not quite. There were a few books on history, two books on wine appreciation, and one called The History of Hats.

Perona rolled her eyes at the books on wine, and stared in disbelief at the book about hats.

Weird though it seemed that Mihawk had a book about hats, it was at least more interesting than all the rest.

She reached out for The History of Hats but stopped, remembering that while she could hold the book in her astral form, she couldn't bring the book back with her through the walls and such because she couldn't imbue it with any ghostly properties.

Feeling annoyed by the limitations of her powers, she returned to her body and then trudged all the way back to the dining room on foot to retrieve the book.

As she pulled the book off the shelf, she accidentally dislodged several other books and they all tumbled down to the floor. Perona threw up her hands in exasperation and climbed down the ladder. Now she'd have to pick up the books and return them to the shelf. Half a moment later though, she remembered that she wouldn't need to pass through walls and so her astral projection ability would come in handy. She felt better then.

So she settled down in the most comfortable armchair and then popped out of her body. Floating up to the shelf was ever so much easier than climbing up that ladder. She put a few books back in place and went to pick up the remaining ones on the floor.

One book caught her eye. It had a plain black cover and, unlike the other books, had no title on the front or on the spine. She looked at it curiously and opened it.

#910

Ran into Akagami last week. He's as ebullient as always. Sometimes he's almost too cheery for me. But the man has good taste in wine and sake. We drank an excessive amount that day. He started telling me stories about some woman in East Blue. I couldn't care less, but I stayed for the drink.

Perona blinked. Was this…?

#911

I need to restock my wine cellar.

A gleam of pure delight came into her eyes. The History of Hats could wait. The diary of Dracule Mihawk was far better.

… … …

Zoro had a sneaking suspicion that Mihawk was making him do pointless "exercises" just because he could. But as he couldn't read the master swordsman very well, he did them anyway. For all he knew, there was method to Mihawk's madness. Still, trying to balance pebbles from the river in stacks of five or more was inherently infuriating. The pebbles were all worn smooth and would keep falling down unless they were flat enough in shape. His best effort was three stones high. After that he decided to reward himself with some beer.

It took him a full twenty minutes to find the kitchen and help himself to the desired beverage.

After that, it took him another ten minutes to find the dining room. Just as he reached it, he heard an angry-sounding exclamation.

What on earth…?

He opened the door and stopped short, seeing two Peronas – one "asleep" in an armchair, and the other seated on the floor by the bookcase. It took him a couple of seconds to remember that she could project a ghost version of herself. The Perona on the floor (which he presumed was the projection) was clutching a book and looking murderous.

"What's wrong with you?" he asked.

She jumped. "You!"

"Me? What the hell did I do to you?"

"What?"

"What do you mean, 'what'?"

Perona blinked twice. Then she gave him an exasperated look. "I wasn't saying that you are the problem (though you certainly are a problem in a sense). I was – oh never mind. Look."

In a flash, she'd zipped over to him and Zoro found himself face to face with the book she held.

"Look at this." Perona pointed at some lines scribbled on one of the pages.

"Dumbass!" snapped Zoro, shoving the book away. "I can't see anything when it's about an inch from my face!"

She moved backwards, still holding the book out towards him, and jabbed a finger at the page. "Just look at this! This is Mihawk's diary."

Zoro's gaze followed the direction of her finger. He stared at the writing.

… … …

After a few minutes, Perona felt her anger at Mihawk dissipate a little, as confusion came in. Why was Zoro taking so long to read a few lines? Mihawk's handwriting wasn't illegible.

"Well?" she said at last.

"So what?"

"'So what?'" echoed Perona. "Don't you see what he says about you – and about me?!"

Zoro shrugged and uncorked the bottle in his hand. "Who cares? You probably deserved whatever he said about you anyway."

Perona gasped indignantly. She objected vehemently to his second statement but the apathy in "Who cares?" puzzled her. She looked at the page again. Had she misread it?

#959

I'm beginning to think I should kick both of them out of here. Roronoa is boorish and sometimes behaves so cantankerously that I wonder if it's really worth my time to even try to train him. He has potential… Somewhere. It's a matter of whether he can get it out of wherever it's buried in his moldy depths.

As for the girl… Such a grating voice. Well, I suppose when she's not being whiny she doesn't sound that awful. But she does behave like a spoilt brat sometimes. She keeps demanding that I hire servants. Really. Such entitlement. Her saving grace is that she can cook a half-decent meal.

Grating voice. Whiny. Spoilt brat. Entitlement. Perona could almost feel steam coming out of her ears. She gripped the book and fought the urge to rip it into pieces. If she did that, Mihawk would know she'd read his diary and he might really kick her out then.

But she didn't understand why Zoro had hardly reacted to the passage in the diary. Roronoa Zoro had shown that he could be touchy if insulted in specific ways. And even if he somehow hadn't felt offended by what Mihawk had written, he would surely have taken the chance to agree with Mihawk on her voice and behaviour. The complete apathy was odd.

He had made his way to an empty chair and was in the process of chugging down beer. She went up to him and said, "You don't care that he thinks you're rude and a grouch?"

"What?"

She read a line from the diary: "'Roronoa is boorish and sometimes behaves so cantankerously that I wonder if it's really worth my time to even try to train him.'"

"What?!"

"You were staring at the passage here long enough! Didn't you read that part?! It is literally the second line."

Zoro opened his mouth… and then clamped it shut again. He certainly looked irked now.

But why, Perona wondered, hadn't he reacted earlier? It had taken him longer than normal to read a handful of lines. He couldn't have missed it. Or could he…?

A thought struck her then. She cast an inquiring look at him.

"Hey."

"What?" he said.

"You can read, can't you?"

An indecipherable expression came over his face – it seemed a mixture of annoyance, indignation, embarrassment and confusion.

"I mean," continued Perona, "you seemed to be able to read the newspaper articles about the Marineford stuff, and also that one about your captain ringing the bell a bunch of times. But…" She looked at the diary and then back at him. "Could it be that you can't read kanji?"

.

.

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Author's Notes: This is the result of a plot bunny that appeared in my head after hearing the official OP translator on the One Piece Podcast suggest that Zoro's and Luffy's hilariously basic autographs for Barto ("Sword" and "Me") might be an indicator of their literacy levels. XD

Also, why can't I indent text here... *is sad*