"ChikaRiko!"

"ChikaYou!"

"ChikaRiko!"

"ChikaYou!"

Kanan and Mari growled at each other from across the kotatsu, arms crossed and scowls on their faces in obstinate defense of their pairings, each willing to go down with their ship. Kanan argued for ChikaRiko, the classic tale of girl meets girl where they both discover young love amidst a world of adversity and school idols. Mari championed ChikaYou, the gradually evolving longing of one childhood friend to another where a relationship was naught but an elusive light at the end of a corridor of uncertainty.

It had started with an offhand remark about the 2nd years' love lives, a comment that was practically meaningless in its simplicity. This had prompted opinions, those ever-dangerous little thoughts of which everyone had too many of. Opinions drew comments, which drew even more comments as opinions became stances, until it had spiraled into the verbal and emotional skirmish it had become. Now though, the words had fallen silent over the battleground that was their kouhais' love lives, the terrain scarred by their trenches of opinions and smoking craters of verbal assaults.

"The tea is ready," said Dia as she entered the room. Her arms held a small tray with a traditional teapot and three ceramic cups of steaming hot tea alongside a small collection of rice crackers. She sat between her friends as she laid the tray down, doing her best to provide the hospitality Kanan was so fond of.

"Dia," said Mari, "Please tell Kanan that she is completely, absolutely, totally, in every possible way, wrong!"

"Dia," said Kanan, "Please tell Mari that she is being delusional and childishly obstinate, and she's just wrong!"

Dia looked from face to face before her mouth curled into a similar expression. "That's enough, both of you!" she scolded, drawing both of them out of their glaring contest. "We just became friends again after two whole years of separation, and I refuse to see that crumble because of some lover's quarrel!"

Kanan sighed, and looked down in shame. "You're right. I'm sorry, Mari."

"I'm sorry too, Kanan," reciprocated the blonde.

"Good," said Dia, satisfied her friends were playing nice again. "Now what was this all about anyway?"

"Mari and I were arguing over our friends' love lives. I personally believe ChikaRiko to be the natural conclusion-"

"And I say ChikaYou will win out in the end," finished Mari.

Dia scoffed as she looked down on her friends as fools. "You're both wrong," she said, sipping her tea, "YouRiko is the superior ship of the 2nd years."

"What," deadpanned Kanan and Mari as they set their glares on Dia.

For her part, Dia merely crossed her arms and glared right back.

And thus, the word war began anew.

After all, shipping is serious business.

When the trio of third years finally managed to calm down, they had only managed to agree on one thing: there were definitely some sparks flying between the second years. Now they just needed to find out where the romance was. This left them with two options: snooping (endorsed by Mari) or interrogation (demanded by Dia). Kanan would have felt guiltier than a kiss if she willingly involved herself in snooping around, so she ended up voting for interrogating one of them.

And that's how the three of them found themselves in Chika's ryokan of residence, bowing to the hostess as they awaited the chance to speak with their favorite orange-haired idiot. But for now though, the orange-haired idiot's older sister would have to suffice.

"Good afternoon Mito-san," greeted Kanan, "Is Chika here?"

"Chika? No, she's over at Riko's house. Riko's parents are taking a holiday so they're having a sleepover or something," replied the brunette as she did hostess-y things.

Kanan hummed to herself in contemplation. Chika and Riko, alone together with no one around? That screamed romantic! But if the third years continued the interrogation plan, the atmosphere would be ruined! Kanan couldn't let that happen. "Do you mind if I go up to Chika's room for a bit?" she asked. Dia and Mari paused and glanced at her in mild confusion. "I lent her something the other day and I need it back," explained/lied Kanan, smiling winningly.

"Sure, go ahead," called Mito as she continued doing hostess-y things.

Kanan turned to her friends. "Change of plans," she whispered conspiratorially, "We're going snooping." She grabbed each girl by the hand and practically dragged them upstairs to Chika's room.

When they arrived, Dia tore her hand from Kanan's grasp and glared at her. "Kanan, why are we in Chika's room when we could be next door interrogating both Chika and Riko?" she asked testily.

"Shh!" hissed Kanan, ducking behind the sliding door to Chika's balcony. "If I'm right about this, we'll be able to see Chika and Riko kissing romantically from this very spot!" She placed a hand over the door handle, prepared to slide it back just large enough for their eyes. "And we shouldn't disturb them if we can help it."

"Ooh! Voyeurism!" cheered Mari in english. Because apparently that word was important enough for her to know in multiple languages.

"So? You in?" asked Kanan with a grin as Mari crouched beside her.

Dia only sighed and took her place, her head positioned just below Mari's. She huffed. "I'm always on the bottom," she grumbled aloud.

It took Mari and Kanan quite some time to stop giggling.

But when Kanan slid open Chika's door so they could peep into Riko's room, the three were met with a sight that utterly overwhelmed them, replacing any remaining humor with nothing less than absolute shock.

Lying on the bed was Riko, and she was giving a very hungry and passionate kiss to an equally hungry and passionate Chika. So in a way, Kanan was right about what they would see, only less gentle and with no clothing. However, none of them expected to see You's head buried between Riko's thighs, one of the redhead's hands pressing down on brunette hair as her face flushed scarlet.

Riko finished shortly afterward, collapsing back on her bed as Chika and You embraced and shared a deep kiss of their own, only intensifying as Chika slid her hand down You's back to grab hold of-

Kanan slammed the door shut.

Wordlessly, the third years walked out of Chika's room. They filed downstairs to where their shoes were, putting them on in silence. Mito popped in to see them off. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

Mari, significantly less traumatized than the others, replied with a smile. "Oh yes. We all did, thank you for asking."

None of them said another word as they made the trek back to Dia's house.

The three of them had resumed their original positions around Dia's kotatsu, but now instead of glaring daggers at each other they settled their gazes on their teacups, still filled with cold tea. Or rather, two of them did; the third just sat there with a cat smile plastered on her face. Minutes passed by in silence. Unbearable silence. Someone should say something. So someone did.

"Technically," began Mari, "All of us were right."

"Please don't," said Dia flatly.

"I mean, we have enough physical evidence to establish ChikaRiko, ChikaYou, and even YouRiko."

"Mari, we really don't want to think about that right now," pleaded Kanan. "Or ever," she amended.

"Chika and Riko were kissing,"

"Mari," warned Dia.

"Chika and You were kissing,"

"Don't!"

"And You was definitely kissing Riko!"

Dia slammed her fist on the kotatsu, blushing profusely as the images came flooding back. "Damn it Mari we said no! Stop talking about it already!"

"Oh? But I like being naughty~!" taunted Mari with a wink.

Dia and Kanan exchanged a glance. Then they spent a few seconds having a silent conversation, before eventually shrugging and deciding a distraction would be really nice right about now. Then they shared a smirk. "Now, now Mari," said Kanan, "If you're going to be such a naughty girl, we're going to have to punish you..."

"I think HonoKoto is the absolute cutest!" declared Ruby cheerfully as she slipped her feet out of her shoes. "They're like two princesses together!"

Hanamaru hummed in contemplation as she unlaced her own footwear. "I think I like HonoUmi better, zura." She giggled, continuing with, "I really adore how Honoka was able to bring Umi out of her shell when they were children. It's always nice to feel included, zura."

"Hmph," grunted Yoshiko in disagreement, "It's obvious to me that KotoUmi is the superior pairing. It's almost as if they could be two doting parents."

"Eheh, I suppose we won't be able to agree on this, will we?" wondered Ruby as the first year trio started toward Ruby's room.

"What about a compromise?" suggested Hanamaru. "I think HonoKotoUmi is a thing, zura."

"Oh, yes it is!" nodded Ruby, "There are some really cute stories about it online too!"

Hanamaru's eyes lit up. "Stories? Like, as in novels?"

Yoshiko shook her head. "Sorry Zuramaru, but most of those stories aren't anywhere near as long as novels." She tapped her chin in thought. "Though perhaps there may be a few that are light novel length."

"Actually," interjected Ruby, "That reminds me. I think Honoka said in an interview that she wouldn't mind being with Kotori and Umi in that way."

"Really?" chorused her friends in unison.

The redhead nodded. "I think onee-chan has a copy of the magazine in her room."

"Well let's find it!" enthused Yoshiko.

And so the three set off down the hallway to Dia's room, talking about other possible Muse pairings. Unlike their older friends, the discussion was nowhere near as vitriolic.

"...all I'm saying is there's room in RinPana for Nico too," concluded Yoshiko, flipping her hair with finality.

"I've never considered shipping the Afterschool Navigators before. It's actually kinda surprising I've never encountered it," remarked Ruby.

Hanamaru nodded vigorously in agreement. "It's like the most surprising thing that's happened all day, zura!"

Then Ruby opened the door.

"PIKI!" shrieked Ruby.

"ZURA!" exclaimed Hanamaru.

"SATAN'S PERKY TITS!" swore Yoshiko.

Yep. The third years were having a threesome.

At the very least, Dia wasn't on the bottom this time.

The next day was very awkward for six out of nine school idols, particularly when it came time for their daily Aqours meeting in the clubroom. As usual, Chika dominated the first half of the meeting with all sorts of ideas for lyrics, themes, and potential PV locations to fit said lyrics and themes, with You and Riko chipping in additional ideas to refine the ginger's unfiltered stream of consciousness. For the six awkward idols, it seemed as if the day just might skirt what would pass for normal.

But not even Chika could be oblivious to the tension in the atmosphere. After saying her piece and receiving only half-hearted responses, she frowned. "Okay this is ridiculous! What's going on with all of you? Why is everyone so awkward?" she demanded.

The first years exchanged glances with each other while the third years did likewise, no one wanting to talk about the unspeakable.

Thankfully, (or not), Mari chose to explain. "Kanan, Dia, and I saw the three of you yesterday in Riko's room."

Riko immediately squealed and slapped her hands to her face before practically slamming her head on the table, the poor girl's face burning bright crimson. Quietly, she repeated a mantra of "OhmygodOhmygodOhmygod..." as she became paralyzed with shame and embarrassment. You shrunk into herself, eyes cast downward as she lit up just as red, while Chika kept staring at Mari stoically, face slowly going through the transition from normal to scarlet. Ruby, Hanamaru, and Yoshiko turned to stare at the blushing second years with wide, questioning eyes.

"You didn't have to mention that part!" hissed Dia.

"I guess I didn't," admitted Mari. Neither Dia nor Kanan could tell if she was genuine or if this was another one of her jokes. "Then the three of us tried to have our own threesome and Ruby, Maru, and Yoshiko walked in on us."

No one said anything after that.

With the awkward tension now spread to the rest of Aqours, silence reigned absolute in the clubroom, broken only by soft crying from Riko.

Eventually however, everyone's attention was drawn to the scraping of chair on floor as Chika stood. "...Yeah, we're not getting anything else done today. See y'all tomorrow!" She sprinted out of the clubroom, You trailing behind her with the neck of Riko's uniform clasped in her hand as she dragged the mortified redhead along.

Then there were six of them.

Somehow, each of them turned to lock eyes with the girl across the table, sister vs. sister, Azalea vs. Azalea, and Guilty Kiss vs. Guilty Kiss.

"So," started Mari, staring Yoshiko down. "Since we didn't address it yesterday, I feel compelled to ask: Satan's perky tits?"

~END~

.

.

.

Omake:

Take One...

"PIKI!" shrieked Ruby.

"ZURA!" exclaimed Hanamaru.

"SATAN'S PERKY TITS!" swore Yoshiko.

.

Take Two...

"PIKI!" shrieked Ruby.

"ZURA!" exclaimed Hanamaru.

"SATAN'S SEARING TAINT!" swore Yoshiko.

.

Take THREE...

"PIKI!" shrieked Ruby.

"ZURA!" exclaimed Hanamaru.

"SATAN'S CLEAVING CLITORIS!" swore Yoshiko.

.

Take Four...

"PIKI!" shrieked Ruby.

"ZURA!" exclaimed Hanamaru.

"SATAN'S SAVORY ASSHOLE!" swore Yoshiko.

"Yoshiko, stop. We need to work on your swears," said Hanamaru sternly.

"What?! Why?" asked the fallen angel indignantly.

"Because they're awkward as fuck!" shouted Ruby.

"GASP!" gasped Dia at the word that had fallen from her little sister's lips. She pounced on Mari and began throttling her, because who else would teach her sister such an outrageous word?

AN: That last line is a reference to a comic. If you wanna know what I mean, just google "love live let Ruby say fuck".