A/N: I was SUPPOSED TO update a week or so ago, but TOTALLY ran out of time. BUT, here I am, AT LAST! The previous chapter broke our hearts. Let's see how the recovery begins…

BUT, first…! THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, for your reviews, listings and love! It's AMAZING that so many of you have been hanging in there all this time. So thank you! (HUGS)

Awkay, because I've already kept you waiting too long… Let's go! I REALLY hope that you'll enjoy the ride.

Holding On and Letting Go

It wasn't the first time Spencer – because he couldn't think of himself as Matthew, not anymore – and Maeve came home from a hospital without their daughter. But this time was different in the worst way, because they knew that she'd never, ever come back home again. And she was everywhere. Her scent lingered in the air, the fridge was full of her favorite foods and even without concentrating the parents could've sworn that they heard her laughter.

They were quiet as they stood in the doorway of her room, staring at the loudest physical evidence of Morgana's brief existence. This time the silence wasn't the easy, natural kind they'd grown used to from the beginning of their relationship. It was the silence of a couple that didn't seem to have anything left to say.

In the end it was Maeve who moved first. With trembling hands and dropped shoulders she opened a massive plastic box and began to put Morgana's toys there. "I… I have to do this", she murmured, her voice barely audible. "While… While I'm still in a shock, and able to do something."

Spencer didn't know what to say. Wasn't sure he could handle the thought of… But he couldn't make her do this alone. He squeezed her shoulder gently, and felt a much needed hint of warmth and comfort when she leaned to his touch.

Without saying a word they continued their horrible, heartbreaking duty. Packing up toys and clothes, remembering far too clearly how their little girl looked when she used them. Spencer wondered if it was possible for a heart to break out of sheer grief while he operated on autopilot, fighting with his all to keep himself together.

Until he found Morgana's favorite toy, a one-eyed teddy bear she'd named Einstein, and keeping it together was no longer an option.

The first tears filling his eyes, then spilling, he lifted his gaze to find that Maeve saw what he was holding. He shook his head, his chest tightening from grief and despair. "I… We can't… W-We can't…" To put away that very toy would be putting away their daughter. Admitting, once and for all, that they'd lost her, that she was never coming back. And letting go so completely was something that he just couldn't bear.

Without saying a thing Maeve sat to the floor in front of him and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him as close as humanly possible. She buried her face to his shoulder, breaking down to soundless sobs while one of her hands reached out to also hold on to the teddy bear. And for the first time they really, truly grieved their loss together.

Spencer couldn't remember making his way to bed. But he must've, because with the first rays of sunlight he woke up from there. He frowned, for a few moments of bliss too confused to realize properly what was going on. Until it all crashed down on him mercilessly.

The slowly returning flashes of memories, which he still wasn't sure were real…

The pain on the faces of those he cared about the most…

Morgana…

He wanted to get up and tear apart the room. Wanted to scream at the top of his lungs, curse the injustice of everything. Ached to make the whole world know just how much he was hurting. But as it was all he could do was lay absolutely still, staring at the ceiling with eyes that didn't really see anything. He couldn't even cry. All he could hear was Morgana's laughter, which still seemed to echo everywhere. Like she never really left.

At the same time Maeve was also slowly waking up on Morgana's bed, to which she barely fit. Her eyes filled with tears that didn't spill while she pulled her daughter's pillow close and inhaled the familiar scent. For a few deceitful moments of despair she managed to trick herself into believing that Morgana was still there in her arms.

Both of them knew that they should've gone to each other. But neither had the strength. And neither was willing to admit, even to themselves, that it was beginning to feel like the end. Because two losses in such a short time would've crushed what little of them was still left intact.

Spencer drifted off again. The next time he opened his eyes the room was dark. He continued to lay still, breathing taking up whatever little energy he had, and tried to remember what he'd been dreaming about.

Once again Morgana's laughter taunted him, and he wished that he had enough breath for a whimper.

There was a knock that, to his foggy head, seemed to come from some other reality. Followed by a soft voice. "Spence? Can I come in?"

Spencer blinked once, surprised that his eyes opened again. And again. With the fifth experimental blink there was a thin beacon of light, and silent steps approached the bed. "Hey", JJ whispered. "Are you sleeping?"

Spencer didn't manage to nod. Or to tell her to leave. Did he even want her to leave? He didn't know anything anymore.

"The whole team is there, whenever you're ready." Her voice was sympathetic and comforting, but not pitying. It made holding on to his bubble of numbness far too difficult. "We're not letting you two go through this alone."

It felt like she was waiting for him to say or do something. And he knew that he should've. But his mind and body didn't seem to be connected at the moment.

JJ seemed to understand, at least partially. His back still to her, he heard her walk closer. Soon a gentle kiss was placed on top his head. "Try to get some sleep. We'll all be waiting when you're ready."

Closing his eyes and letting his mind float away, Spencer wondered if he'd ever be ready.

In the meantime David Rossi was looking for Maeve. Eventually he heard bizarre noise from the upstairs bathroom and frowned. It was like someone had been crying and laughing simultaneously. It might've been amusing if the noises weren't so pained.

After a moment of hesitation he knocked. "Maeve? Are you alright?"

There was no response. Hoping dearly that his decision wouldn't lead to any humiliation, David opened the door slowly. He had no idea how to react to what he discovered.

Maeve was sitting on the toilet, her face in her hands and breathing loudly while the last of her sobs died down. On the edge of the sink sat a pregnancy test. A negative result glared up at David.

"We…" Maeve cleared her throat. "We… tried, for a really long time. For… For a second one. And now… Now I was so relieved by that negative result that I burst into tears when I saw it. What…?" She gasped. "What kind of a person feels that way? What…?" She trailed off, wiping her eyes.

David sighed heavily, far too many unpleasant memories surging to the surface. "The kind of a person that has just gone through a massive loss and is grieving." Only the fact that they barely knew each other kept him from giving her the hug she obviously needed. "No one would blame you on not wanting a new baby right now."

Maeve nodded, although it was impossible to tell if she actually believed him. Then shivered visibly. "Don't tell Matthew about this, okay? He's…" She sighed heavily, appearing incredibly tired. "He's already going through too much."

David bit back a groan. He absolutely hated being put into this position. "I won't", he promised. "But you should be honest with each other. And if you want to stop trying… You should tell him."

Maeve gave something of a nod, but although she was sitting right in front of him it looked like she was sliding further and further away.

Spencer woke up for the third time to the feel of another person's warmth behind him. He was startled until he recognized the presence and his companion spoke, obviously imagining that he was still asleep. "… know that you miss Morgana. Of course you do, she was your kid. But…" Hank gulped and it took a few seconds before the boy managed to continue. "But I'm your kid, too, and… I just got you back. So… Don't do this, please. Because… I need you to be here." There was a sob, just one, but nonetheless heartbreaking. "I'm only twelve. I need my pa."

There's no proper parent who wouldn't react to that. Who wouldn't do whatever they could to chase away that hurt. So, for the first time in… he didn't even know how long, Spencer moved. Turned to face his son and pulled the boy into his arms.

Hank didn't say or ask a thing. Only accepted the comfort and support with a nearly hysterical amount of eagerness. And so they stayed, drawing comfort from one another. Eventually they both fell asleep, and this time the slumber was the healing kind.

Maeve lost track of time at some point, so she had no way of knowing how long had passed when she sat in a swing she and Spencer had put to their backyard for Morgana. It was the little girl's favorite item in the whole wide world because whenever she was swung higher, the child was convinced that if she'd try hard enough she'd be able to touch the stars.

Just another one of those memories she couldn't stand.

Steps approached her. Instead of the voice Maeve had expected to hear Alex spoke, her tone full of honest sympathy. "Are you ready to come inside?"

Maeve nodded stiffly. Of course she wasn't. But postponing this wasn't going to make it any easier, so she gathered herself like a good soldier, took a deep breath and stood up. One step and a single breath at a time she began to move, like she'd done since she found out that her little girl was going to…

"Maeve?"

Maeve shook her head. Even tried to smile, although she had a feeling that she failed miserably. "Thank you, for doing this. All of you."

Alex didn't say a thing, only gave her hand a brief squeeze.

As they walked towards the house the wind grabbed the swing. Made the metal sing, like someone had still been using the item. Maeve had to use all her willpower to not look over her shoulder because seeing the swing empty would've shattered her entirely.

The way Spencer woke up next was painfully familiar. Fingers that he knew as well as his own combed through his hair, warm and comforting. And the scent of that cologne…

For a few moments it felt like the past… how long ago was it, anyway, seven years, nine or seventy, were nothing but a strange dream. For a few seconds his mind tricked him into believing that he was never gone at all. That Morgana never…

He groaned when a storm of what felt like new memories attempted to surface, so sharp and heavy that they made his head hurt.

"Hey", Derek whispered, as though sensing that he wouldn't have been able to handle anything louder. The hand continued its motions and he leaned on it subconsciously, all of him needing the pleasant, familiar feel. "I wish that I could've just let you sleep. Whatever you were dreaming of, it made you smile. But… It's been… a while. You need to eat. And… There are… things that have to be taken care of." Things, such as arranging a child's funeral.

With those whispered words reality crashed in. Spencer sighed and wrenched his eyes halfway open. They hurt and stung, like he hadn't used them in ages, and it took a long time before he was able to see properly. He swallowed, his throat so dry that it hurt. "Hank? Maeve?"

Derek exhaled deeply. "Hank's at school." Because life just had to go on, no matter what. "Maeve's at the kitchen with the team. Rossi wanted to arrange a yet another pasta event. Do you feel up to going there?"

Spencer didn't want to leave the bedroom. He wanted to go back to sleep, because in his dreams everyone was happy. Morgana and Hank were looking at the stars together, Derek and Maeve were smiling. No pain, death, or heartache.

Spencer gasped, feeling like someone had been squeezing the very life out of him. Derek reacted without a thought, and before either of them saw it coming the larger man had gathered him into his arms to a nearly desperate hug. Dizzy, aching and weighed down by grief, Spencer clung to the man's shirt with all his might. It took some time before he realized that at some point he'd burst into tears. "I'm sorry", he choked out as soon as he had enough breath for it. "For… For being like this… You shouldn't have to…"

"Spence, stop." That was somehow sharp and tender all at once. Derek's hold on him tightened. "Stop apologizing for things that aren't your fault. Stop carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. Stop stretching yourself thin. Stop bottling up everything. Just… Just let it out, just this once. Because…" It sounded like the agent was crying, too, despite furious attempts to hold it back. "Because you're slipping away, and I can't… I can't lose you again. Don't make me lose you again."

Let go Spencer did. Because under the assault of those words he wasn't able to keep it from happening. And so they cried and grieved in silence, over losses both old and new. They held each other and grieved everything that'd been stolen away from them.

An hour and a half later they made their way to the kitchen, Derek supporting most of Spencer's weight until the younger man got the chance to sit down. This pasta party was spent mostly in a silence. And afterwards Spencer and Maeve held hands for the first time in days as they, with the team's support, finally began to plan their daughter's funeral.

Later the only thing Spencer remembered of Morgana's funeral was that it was a painfully sunny day. He was glad. His little girl always enjoyed sunlight.

A week passed by. Then another. He grew so used to the silence lingering in his once lively home that he no longer questioned it.

Until one evening Maeve joined him in a hot shower and wrapped her arms around his waistline. Naturally, without a thought. Yet something… didn't feel right.

At least a full minute and a lot of nearly scalding water rushed by before she finally spoke. "I love you, Matt. There's… There's only ever been one person I've loved more. But…" She swallowed loudly. "I can't do this anymore. Stay in a house that smells like her. In a house that's full of her. I can't… I can't even look at you, without remembering…" She trailed off.

Spencer swallowed thickly. It felt like someone had been tearing his heart from his chest but he couldn't even whimper from the pain and tears had ran out long since. "What a-are you talking a-about?" he murmured instead. Hollow, defeated.

Maeve's hold on him tightened. Like he was the one sliding away. "I… I got a job offer from London this morning. And… I'm taking it."

They made love right there in the shower that turned cold as warm water ran out, and both knew that it was for the last time.

When Derek came home from finishing up a horrific amount of paperwork all he wanted to do was eat something nauseatingly unhealthy and fall asleep. Instead he found Hank sitting on a couch, a frown on his face that was far too much like Spencer's and a brown envelope in hand. "What's going on?" the boy asked before he got the chance to. Hank showed him the envelope with a palpable amount of confusion. "Maeve brought this an hour ago. It looked like she'd been crying. Is something wrong with pa?"

Something was definitely wrong with Spencer. Losing a child tended to do that to a person. But it wasn't like Derek could blurt out as much so, using all his acting skills, he snatched the item and ruffled his son's hair with a small, forced smile. "He's just as fine as he has been, worrywart." He took a deep, steadying breath. "You know what? I don't feel like cooking today so why don't you order us some pizza."

Hank didn't have to be told twice. Derek waited until he heard his son talking to a phone, then focused on the envelope. After a couple of more deep breaths he tore it open, wondering – much like Hank – what in the world was going on.

'When I first found out that you existed… I have to admit that I hated you. And the thought that my husband had another family that I stole him away from made me hate myself. But now I think you and Hank were a blessing in disguise.

Because while you were strong enough to be there for him despite the ghost of what once was, I'm not. No matter how much I love my husband I can't stand looking at him and seeing our little girl in his eyes, in his smile. I also love him too much to make him go through that same agony every single day. And I can't stay in a city where her ghost is everywhere. If I stay it'll kill me, too.

So I'm once again asking you to do the impossible. Show how strong you are and be there for him, show him how much he still has left. Make him believe that this is the end of a chapter, not the whole story.

Because Morgana would've wanted both her parents to be happy. She would've wanted us to be the best people we can be. And we can't be that if we stay together, not anymore. I think I'm finally ready to accept that. Make sure that he accepts it, too.

Now I know that my daughter was named after you, and I need you to ensure that her legacy will be more than just pain and sorrow.'

TBC

A/N: I was cruel enough to put you through Morgana's death, but not enough so to put you through her funeral. Small mercies…? Poor, poor Reid and Maeve, though…! (whimpers) But maybe, just maybe, they'll be okay. Eventually…

ONLY A FEW MORE CHAPTERS TO GO, FOLKS! Soooo… Thoughts? Comments? Rants…? PLEASE, drop a line or two before you go!

Until next time, folks! I really hope that I'll see you all there.

Take care!