The Laughing Scooby

By: Bubbajack

Beta/co-author: IcySnowSage

Disclaimer: I don't own BtVS or anything else that shows up in this fic.

Ch.5: Dealings with Devils.

Rias Gremory looked around the mansion that was the abode for Lord Solominis. 'It is clearly under repairs, but still, such a lowly abode is unfit for one of his station,' The heiress of the Gremory Clan thought to herself, crossing her legs as she sat down in a chair. She glanced at the lord himself. He was young, by human standards, yet older than herself, his dark brown almost black hair was disheveled from the fight, and his singular remaining hazel eye on his face seemed to peer back at her directly into her soul. Even as he nervously fiddled with the Ring on his finger and idly tapped out a rhythm on his Staff.

"So… whose this red haired chick?" One of the humans asked, his hair was trimmed short in a military fashion, while the other a younger man who had a mane that almost went down to his neck couldn't seem to take his eyes off of Rias.

"She feels like a demon… but not," A stoic man in a classic PI gettup replied. Rias didn't know why, but she was getting the air of an Angel from this man. Yet he hadn't attacked her on sight so she decided to wait and see.

"Really? Demon summoning? Which makes me wanna ask, what was with big tall and creepy back there who tried to gank us all?" The stern one questioned Xander.

Rias was about to snap at the human to show Xander proper respect only for him to raise his hand her way and tell the human, "Dean, calm down man," Lord Solominis smiled disarmingly, "I admit I probably should've summoned something… smaller for my trial run using the Ring. But we were outnumbered and outgunned. I couldn't afford to start small… unfortunately."

"Okay fair enough, but what was that thing?" the now named Dean asked.

The long haired man beside him turned and looked at him, giving him a look and sounding offended, "Dude, it was a Balrog."

Dean shot back a confused look, "A what?"

"A Balrog, from you know, Middle-Earth… Tolkien… Lord of the Rings?!" The man kept trying getting more and more frustrated when his fellow human didn't seem to get it.

Dean nodded, "Oh nerd thing ok. Got it Sammy. We almost got killed by fuckin' Pikachu, fan-fuckin-tastic."

"How do you know what Pikachu is, but not Lord of the Rings?" Sam asked incredulously.

"C'mon Sam, we grew up in the 90's the commercials for that yellow rat were everywhere man."

"Ok. Firstly, if a Balrog is any starter Pokemon it's Charmander. Secondly, seriously Dean, how the fuck do you not know what Lord of the Rings is? It's been around since 1950? Lastly…

"Lastly I can't believe we are even having this conversation, and I'm starting to wish Cas had abandoned me in the Arctic," Dean dryly interjected. Dean nodded to the three women who were sitting not too far away with amused smiles on their faces,"In front of these fine ladies no less.

"Slow your roll stud," The eldest of the bunch said her wit easily matching his. "Unless you want to deal with a single mother whose husband literally left her for his job and has to raise their magical son all by herself. Oh and I'm also a witch."

Dean paused for a moment then shook his head, "Nope, nope you got a plane full of baggage lady. I ain't going anywhere near that,"

"Yeah didn't think so."

"He's right though," the youngest of the bunch said, nodding towards Sam. "A Balrog totally would be Charmander if anything."

"I know right… Uhh Sam, Sam Winchester," He said leaning forward and offering the girl his hand.

"Paige Halliowell, my older half-sisters Piper and Phoebe," Paige introduced before awkwardly adding, "Also, in case it wasn't obvious, my sisters and I are witches."

"No shit," Dean said.

"Watch it bud," Piper said sending him a mild glare.

Sam nodded he'd always been more understanding of supernatural people than his brother. "Yeah couldn't help but notice you… teleporting things, you flying, and you… blowing things up. Cool powers," Sam complimented each woman in turn.

"It's kinda what we do, fight demons, bad people, that sort of thing," Paige said becoming the spokeswoman for her group.

"Us too, right Dean, Cas?" Sam was obviously trying to play peacemaker between the two groups.

"Yep," Dean said not taking his eyes off of Rias after he'd seen her dissolve a monster bigger and badder than anything team freewill had fought.

"It's true," The Angel commented.

Having learned everyone's names Rias felt comfortable addressing Lord Solominis directly. "Lord Xander?"

The young man looked up from where he was fiddling with the Ring and gave her his full attention with his one good eye, "Yeah Rias, what's up?"

"I would like to impress upon you the importance of setting up a binding circle before using the Ring in the future. Without one, you could be killed on the spot by whatever it is you summon and without a formal contract established, a summoned demon can run rampant based on the simplest commands, case and point being that… thing. A Balrog you called it I believe."

"I haven't established a formal contract with you either Rias of House Gremory and House Bael through your mother," Xander noted.

The demoness smiled, Lord Solominis wasn't quite the fool he pretended to be it seemed, "True true. Would you like to establish one now? Consider it practice for the future if you will."

The cyclops shrugged. He certainly didn't see the harm, "Sure, why not?"

Rias clapped her hands and smiled, "Excellent, press the Ring onto the floor, if memory serves me on its history, it should set up a binding circle for you."

The monster hunter nodded and did as she said. "Easy enough," Pressing his fist flat against the floor caused a pentacle of light gold energy, like that of the sun to appear. "Okay, that worked."

Rias nodded, "This is The Grand Seal. It is a binding agent for just about anything but it can be further enhanced by adding things like silver dust, salt, holy water, and sacred oils to it, allowing stronger beings to be held within its confines. At least from what I've heard of it." Rias then stepped into the circle herself, before she continued her explanation, "Now, only when the Seal is in place, is when you should summon a demon or angel and request aid from it. And for the record," The redhead shot Dean a dirty look, "I am a pureblooded devil not a lowly blood corpse possessing demon."

"What's the difference?" Dean called out rudely not seeing the point.

"Demons are lowly spirits that are so weak as to be noncorporeal, stronger than common ghosts but weaker than devils in that we have true bodies. This form you see here?" Rias did a little pirouette inside the circle showing off all of her assets, "This is all me, the real me, demons by contrast are little more than powerful ghosts who gain strength by sapping the souls of others."

"Umm Rias, one of my guests is a half-demon so if you could ixnay on the demonsay Comprenday?" Xander politely requested.

"Relax sugar," Urd said coming back into the room carrying a tea tray, which kept tilting precariously from side to side. "Ria-chan isn't trying to insult me. Christian demons are that weak. Norse ones… not so much."

Rias made a note of that. 'So she and the other one are Goddess from the Norse Pantheon? Who could they be?'

"Alright, if you say so Urd," Rias froze upon hearing the woman's name. "Put that thing down before you drop it please."

The Norn of the Past placed the tea tray on the cobbled together boards that were placed on a couple of seesaws as a temporary makeshift table. "Gladly," Urd whipped the sweat from her brow. "Sheesh, how does Belldandy do it all without breaking a sweat?"

"Poise?" Xander suggested with a smirk, completely missing Rias gobsmacked expression.

Urd slapped the young man on the shoulder, "Quiet you I have plenty of poise… it just doesn't involve carrying a tea tray."

"Does it involve a long metal pole and you not wearing lots of clothes by chance?" Xander asked innocently.

Urd quirked an eyebrow, "Wouldn't you like to know."

Xander shrugged, "Curiosity I swear."

"You know what they say about curiosity and cats?" Urd said with a smirk, lightning arcing from her fingertips.

Xander just smirked back, "Well it's a good thing I'm not a cat then huh?"

The Charmed Ones and the Hunter Trio were looking back and forth between the two wondering if a fight was about to break out. A tension was in the air, certainly, but what kind, neither side could really tell. It was suddenly broken by the arrival of Belldandy and Shantae who were each carrying a tray that had several pieces of cake on it, which they gave to each of the guests.

"Thanks Bell, Shantae," Xander said with a nod. "I didn't know we had cake."

"We didn't," Belldandy said with a smile. "I made a quick run to the store. I do hope a store bought cake will be alright?"

If anyone had any complaints, no one said anything as Shantae made herself busy serving tea to everyone. "Thanks for running to the store Bell, you didn't need to do that," Xander said smiling.

"Well we did triumph over evil today by standing together, that does sound like cause for a celebration doesn't it? And one can't have a celebration without cake."

The One Who Sees agreed with his contracted Goddess, "Can't argue with that logic Bell."

"Agreed, the cake… was not a lie," Castiel said in his stoic tone.

Xander felt the need to point out, "It was never promised in the first place, Cas, but it was a pleasant surprise."

Kevin and his mother Mrs. Tran came down from upstairs looking around warily, "Is it safe to come out now?" Kevin asked.

"Oh… yeah it's cool we're at Defcon Five man," Xander informed the two. "Have been in tense Cold War negotiations with The Hunter and Witch factions for the past… ten minutes or so… and… we've got cake!"

"Cake good idea, nothing better to celebrate with after good asskicking," noted, accepting her slice from a smiling Belldandy, along with a cup of tea. "So, who bitching about what now? No let me guess," She pointed at Dean, "Macho boy being pissy he got saved by a girl," She pointed at Rias, "Who happens to be good devil yes?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Paige said with a nod. "Paige Halliowell, nice to meet you ma'am."

The older woman shook the offered hand, "Linda Tran, Kevin my son, also current prophet of God apparently."

"Mom!" Kevin complained, "Stop telling everyone that! People are gonna think your crazy and have you locked in a padded room if you keep it up!"

"Why can't I?" Linda complained, "My son finally doing something important with his life, something I can be proud of, sure, I still don't have grandchildren, but meh, one can't have everything in life."

"Mom!" Kevin said hiding his face.

"By any chance are you descended from the Chinese Gods? Cause you are just so awesome it's divine," Xander quipped.

"You sweet boy," Linda told Xander. "But too young for me. I like older more experienced men."

The amateur hunter laughed, "I wasn't making a pass at you ma'am, I am simply awed by your mastery of snark-fu," He bowed to her respectfully. "Teach me your ways sensei."

"True mastery of the art of snark-fu comes with age young grasshopper," Linda said playing along, "With age comes jaded wisdom, and that is the path to true snark-fu enlightenment."

The whole group burst out laughing after a moment and the tension that was in the air finally dissipated fully.

"Damn good cake," Dean complimented. "So… witches huh?" Dean said trying to break the Ice with the Charmed Ones Piper in particular.

"Yes, is that a problem?" Piper asked stiffly.

"No good can ever come of witchcraft." Dean said honestly.

"Wrong," Xander replied. "Magic is just like any other weapon," His thoughts turned briefly to Willow and the time she turned dark, "Handled improperly and without care, yeah, it'll kill you stone dead just like any gun or bottle of pills will," He then thought of her super spell that empowered every potential Slayer on the planet. "Use it right though, and it'll serve as well as any firearm."

"You're speaking from experience," Phoebe noted.

"Secondhand experience but yeah, I know magic can be dangerous," Xander turned his attention back to Rias, "Which is why I'm going to do this right from now on, or not at all. Name your terms Rias, heiress of House Gremory and child of House Bael."

Seeing he was finally taking this seriously Rias smiled. For under that goofy veneer, laid a serious man it seemed. Rias gave a nod, she'd had plenty of time to think of her proposed contract, "I would request that you only summon me at late evenings during the week, on Saturday afternoons and at anytime on Sundays Lord Solominis."

"Because your still in school correct?" Xander surmised. Seeing Rias surprised look for a moment before she nodded, he smiled, "Don't be so surprised Rias, I'm sure you've figured out by now that I know more than I'm letting on."

The redhead nodded smirking a little, "It has crossed my mind milord, yes."

Xander made his counter-offer, "What if I told you I could give you a weapon more powerful than any of the Longini, Rias?"

The Pure Blooded demoness narrowed her eyes and smiled, "I would wonder what Lord Solominis would want in return for such a potent weapon?"

Xander scratched his head, "I what would I want? Well that's… a good question really. Before I can answer that I need you to honestly answer one question for me."

Rias didn't see the harm in such a question but at the same time, she wondered why such a question mattered in the first place, "Which is?"

"How many members do you currently have in your Peerage?"

"Dude," Sam asked, "Are you trying to derail canon?"

"Sammy, what are you talking about?" Dean asked his brother while giving him a sideways look.

Linda Tran shushed the two along with Urd, "We wanna see how this plays out."

"My Peerage consists of my Queen, a Knight, along with a single Bishop, and a Rook. Although I am interested in a fellow student of mine as a pawn."

Xander rubbed his hands together and grinned, "Excellent, so you haven't turned Hyoudou Issei into your pawn yet. Then what I have to offer you will be very useful indeed."

Rais eyes widened in surprise, 'He knew I was referring to Issei-kun?'

The cyclops nodded. "Yes, I knew you were referring to the perverted dumbass," Xander replied as if reading her face.

"Aren't you being a little harsh?" Sammy asked.

"I was a little like him when I was in high school too… but I grew out of it!" Xander retorted, "He's a college student as is still acting like a perverse idiot. So no, not really. If this was any country other than Japan his ass would be in jail for some of the shit he does."

"True, and he's in highschool at the moment."

"Not the point, peeping on girls while they change is still wrong even if he does stop," Xander rebuffed.

"Ahem," Rias interrupted what looked to become a heated debate. "Could we get back to the point please? What are you offering me Milord?"

Xander held up a finger and left the room for a moment before coming back with a couple of cardboard boxes. "I had to repurchase my collection off of Amazon, and it arrived earlier funnily enough," Xander picked up a boxcutter and sliced the boxes open revealing the contents to be books… ones that had her face on the foremost one.

"Eh!"

Xander piled the books one after another on the makeshift table. "What I'm offering you Rias is something most would kill for," He kept placing books on the table till they numbered twenty-five in all. "Foreknowledge."

Rias stared at the pile of books, "Let me see if I've got this straight. Those books chronicle my life?"

"Well, your not the main protagonist in this story, Issie is but yeah pretty much," Xander replied with a nod.

"And by foreknowledge you mean that they have information on events that haven't happened yet," Rias was still grasping with the idea that she was fictional in this world.

Xander being xander tried to snap her out of it with a joke, "That is generally what foreknowledge means yes."

Rias sighed and rubbed her temples. "What do you want for them?" A possessive gleam entered the redhead's eyes, "I'll give you whatever is in my power to give," She flushed a little, "Even myself if necessary."

"Woah, woah, slow it down there Rias," Xander said holding out his hands. "That's… wow, Sweet Jewsus."

"Sweet Jewsus?" Phoebe commented.

Xander pointed a finger to the heavens, "You bring up the Big Man or Big Jay and Rias will get a headache."

"Jesus Christ, are you… no you are not kidding," Dean said as he watched Rias hold her head in pain, glaring at him. "Ha, this is funny. The power of Christ compels you."

"Stop that!" Rias said as pain coursed through her head.

Dean was suddenly shot backwards by a powerful force, and sent tumbling out of his chair. The bright light emitting from the head of The Staff of Solomon marked Xander as the culprit.

"You do not come into my house out of my hospitality only to insult my other guests Dean Winchester. I am not some pagan god, an angel, or a demon. I will have you show due courtesy and respect to your fellow guests," proclaimed Xander as if he was an old god sitting on his throne of power.

"Got it," Dean said sitting up while rubbing his sore chest, all while his brother mouthed something along the lines of 'had that coming'.

"Anyway, as to what I want Rias… I really just want you safe… safer than you could be. So take this read it, treat it like, and I can't believe I'm going to say this… gospel," Xander said in a dry tone, "Learn it, live it, love it."

Rias was shaking her head, equal parts thrilled and annoyed, "You can't just give them to me! You must want something in return? This… this is more precious than gold! More valuable than all thirteen Longini put together!"

"Look, short of your hand in marriage, there isn't a damn thing you can give me," Xander meant it as a joke. Forgetting that his luck with any woman who isn't human is a mile long and quite vindictive.

Rias took it seriously. "Done, I Rias Gremory, heiress of House Gremory of the seventy-two pillars, formally accept your offered bride price."

"Wait, wait no, no that is not what I… damn it!" Xander tried to refute but just accepted his fate. He is kinda used to it by now.

"Dude… do you have any idea what you've just done?!" Sammy said.

"Destroyed an entire arc and FUBARed the reason Issei got his first official member in his harem of many many women?"

Yes, that's it exactly!" Sam complained.

"Please don't tell me you read these books Sammy," Dean said as he massaged his temples in frustration.

"Uhh… yeah, kinda?" Sammy admitted.

"What is it with you and your monster fetish man, seriously?" Dean said shaking his head in disappointment, "Why can't you just buy porn like a normal person?"

"Dean, can we not have this discussion again? Especially in front of strangers?" Sam requested his tone strained, clipped and defensive..

"Um," Paige spoke up in Sam's defence. "In his defense, I don't think he knew any of these people were real, and also who cares?"

Dean rolled his eyes, "No offense, but you don't know what our choices have put us both through. We kinda brought about the Apocalypse at one point."

"Just one? Lucky you." Phoebe commented.

"Yeah, for me it happened like, every year since I turned sixteen." Xander calmly replied.

The Charmed Ones and team Freewill all looked at him, "What?"

"Up until recently, I used to run with a girl called the Slayer. One girl meant to combat the forces of darkness and all that. Every year, every fucking year, someone tries to end world," Xander said running a hand down his face. Pointing a finger at his eyepatch he said, "See this?" Seeing the nods he was getting Xander continued, "A priest possessed by the First Evil gouged out my eye."

"The First Evil?" Dean questioned, looking perplexed. "You mean the Devil?"

Xander shook his head. "No, I mean the First Evil as in the very first… who do you think taught the Devil all his tricks Dean?"

"Jesus Christ," Dean swore, causing pain to lance through Rias' head again.

"Damn it!" Rias complained she looked to Xander who did nothing this time. "Well, aren't you going to punish him for that?"

"Honestly? Is was a slip of the tongue and kinda warranted this time. The First Evil was no joke." Xander said with a weary sigh.

Belldandy placed a hand on his shoulder, "Are you going to be okay, Xander?" She would've used his full name, but with Rias present she felt it best not to. True Names hold power with Devils and Goddess' alike after all.

The young man nodded. "Yeah I'll be fine, I just need a minute," Xander gave his head a shake, like he was a wet dog or something once he was done, that goofy smile of his was back in place. "Okay, I'm good. Now, I do believe our contract is set Rias?"

The redhead nodded, "Indeed, everything appears to be in order."

"Great, so how do I get rid of this thing?" Xander gestured to the Seal of Solomon that kept her contained.

"I'm not really sure," Rias admitted. "While I admit to knowing more about Solomon's Ring than most due to taking an interest in it when I was younger, it was never actually explained how to turn off a summoning circle."

"You need to press the ring to the barrier and turn left," Urd told him. Upon seeing the look she was getting the Goddess put her hands on her hips and said, "What? The past is my domain after all or have you forgotten?"

"Oh right," It had in fact slipped Xander's mind for a moment. He walked up to the edge of the magic circle the words Devil Trap floated through his mind for a brief instant before he pressed the ring to the till now invisible circular barrier and turned the Ring to the left like he was shutting off a car engine.

And just like that, the magic circle faded away and died. Xander looked at the ring in fascination, "Wow this thing is really easy to use."

"Yes indeed sugar, Solomon was a brilliant man but he was a firm believer in the power of simplicity," Urd commented as if remembering someone fondly.

"Did you know him personally?" Xander asked.

Urd smiled, "Well I was going under a different name at the time, Sheba if I recall but yes. You could say I'm very familiar with him."

"Wait, your the Queen of Sheba?" questioned Xander in mild surprise, while everyone else did a double take.

"For a time yes," Urd confirmed. "Solomon got one look at me when I was at a market once and was smitten. Even when I flew away he used magic to track me down. Magic was much more potent back then."

"Did he really have four hundred concubines and six hundred wives?" Dean asked a smirk on his face.

Urd snorted, "More like forty of one and fifty and nine of the other… not that any of them mattered once I came along, it's hard to top the sexual prowess of a Goddess who learned it all from Ishtar herself I suppose."

"Urd, this isn't an appropriate conversation to be having," Belldandy chastised, a blush on her face.

The Eldest of the Norn smirked, "Why not Bell? We're all adults here."

"The lady not wrong, only virgin here is my Kevin," Linda said.

"MOM!" Kevin complained face still buried in his hands from earlier.

"Weren't you three about to complete a transaction of some kind?" Belldandy asked Team Freewill.

"Oh right, the formula for Colt Bullets for the Demon Tablet, we really should get that squared away," Dean said, thankful for Belldandy's squimishness about sex for reminding him.

Only for the Eldest Norn to intercede again, "Woah, woah, woah now! Are you trying to rip Xander off?"

Everyone looked to the ebony-skinned goddess who looked peeved. Xander questioned, "Urd? What do you mean?"

"By Demon Tablet, I'm assuming you mean one of the Stone Tablets written by Metatron yes?" Seeing his nod, Urd continued, "Yeah, that's worth a hell of a lot more than a petty ritual for some monster killing bullets. Why, I doubt you even need the ritual at all, what with being a Constantine."

"Goddess says what now?" Xander exclaimed.

"Oh my oh my!" Rias said mimicking her Queen, Akeno Himejima's favored catchphrase. "Xander is not only Solomon's Heir but also a Constantine to boot? I almost feel like I cheated you by accepting such a paltry deal. I'm certainly getting more out of this than you are."

Urd and Xander ignored her for the moment, "You as a Constantine can just will magic to work for you. Remember what I said about the Synchronicity Wave?"

"Oh… oh...OH!" Xander said his sole hazel eye widening at the end, "So all I really need are bullets then?"

The silver-haired Norn of the Past nodded. "Exactly," Urd sent Castiel a frigid glare. "That one knows this damn well, and is trying to con you."

Xander shifted his gaze to the angel, "You disappoint me Castiel."

The angel shrugged uncaringly, "We need the Demon Tablet and your a Constantine. It's not like you wouldn't con us if it didn't suit you."

The cyclops sighed, "You know, I'm getting a little tired of everyone judging me based on my familial ties. I know all of jack and shit about the Constantines, how they operate and what it means to be one. So how about, instead of judging me on my last name, which is actually Harris by the way, you judge me for my actions. Which from what I've heard, speak louder than words."

"Yeah he did help us take out more demons in one fight than we ever have at once before," Sam noted.

"We ganked a lot of those black-eyes sons of bitches today, which makes him okay in my book," Dean also added. "We didn't know squat about this by the way."

"I figured as much Dean, relax," Xander replied. "Yet it begs the question, what can you give me for the Demon tablet? Cause I'm not just going to give it away."

"We've got the Knife, a couple of angel blades…"

"The Impala," Sam added.

Dean pointed a finger at his brother, "Fuck no, we are not giving away my baby!" Dean said sharply.

Xander shook his head, "None of which I need, so it seems we're at an impasse. If I were to have any car, it would be an Ashton Martin DB5."

Dean raised an eyebrow, "Who do you think you are, James Bond?"

"I was, briefly, for Halloween once due to a blessing if you can call it that of janus and a chaos mage,"

The Hunter Brothers looked at each other then back to the one-eyed man, "Seriously?!"

"Quite. Thanks to that I'm fluent in several several languages which include Italian, French, German, Greek, Spanish, Mandarin, Cantonese, and Japanese. Though I can only read and write fluently in the last four. I also know Judo, Aikido, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Krav Maga, and Baritsu. On top of all that, I have been left with impeccable skills in detective work, assassination, marksmanship, knifework, aviation, vehicular opperation including sailing, stealth, persuation, seduction, skydiving, and parkour."

The two just blinked at the long list of skills the boy named off. "Bullshit, no way you can do all that because of one spell," Dean commented in utter disbelief.

"I can, it's all… Xander tapped his head. "Locked up in here. I really should be sticking to Bond's training regime but with needing a job, the apocalypse happening every year, along with not getting paid to be a spy with a license to kill… well," Xander shrugged, "I really didn't have the time to get myself into that kind of shape."

Dean stood up, holding his arms out in challenge, "Prove it, take me to the floor. No magic, just muscle."

Xander would've blinked owlish, but he only had the one eye. So he settled for a deadpan stare, "Are you serious right now?"

"Yeah why not? What, think you can't take me without your magic staff?" Dean goaded.

Xander sighed before he stood up, "Are you sure you wanna do this Dean?"

Dean took a loose boxers stance, "C'mon cyclops, let's do this!"

The magical kinda sorta secret agent took one look at Dean and said, "Three."

"What?"

"Three moves, maybe less, that's all it'll take for me to put you on the floor," Xander explained calmly, throwing off his coat with a roll of his shoulders.

"Yeah whatever, quit trying to psyche me out and…" Dean didn't get to finish.

Xander moved like a panther, with fluidic grace of a jungle cat he homed in on Dean, grabbed his arm and flipped him over his shoulder. He didn't let go however and braced his foot against the hunter's elbow, prepared to break it with little effort. "Like I said, three moves or less. I beat you in one. Your stance needs work, lower your center of gravity next time."

"You got lucky, best two outta three," Dean said from his position on the ground.

Xander let go of the eldest Winchesters arm and backed away letting him stand. Dean stood, glaring at the would-be pirate, "Ready Captain Ahab, cause here I come."

"Your no Moby, just a dick Dean. But by all means, by your leave," Xander smiled just a little and waved a hand for the hunter to proceed.

Dean, now knowing he wasn't dealing with just anyone, hung back and threw a jab, then a right hook, then a cross, and followed up with an uppercut. Xander deftly dodged them all, before delivering a spin kick to Dean's chin and following it up by using his momentum to punch him in his chest sending him flying onto his back. Dean was immediately trying to force himself back up.

"Dean enough already." Sam said, it was obvious by now Xander meant what he'd said.

"No can do Sammy," Dean replied as he got to his feet, "I can just let him kick my ass like this and not get a few licks in myself."

"I'd stop if I were you mister. If you don't, you might die… again. Hehehe."

Everyone turned to look at the person who had spoken. She was a pale eighteen year old girl who had half her head shaved, with her remaining crimson red hair trailing down the right side of her face in a cascade of colors like the rainbow. Her attire, if it could be called that, consisted of a fishnet dress that left nothing to the imagination a black jacket that was left completely open, and a tutu of all things around her waist. Her feet were covered by sandals and her eyes were two startling different colors. Her left was a bright emerald, while the right was a deep sapphire.

Everyone stared at the girl in utter confusion. Castiel in particular stared at her in wide-eyed, open-mouthed shock. Xander took the initiative and asked. "Hello, who are you?"

"I'm… well you can call me Mania. I'm Telute's youngest sister," She did a little pirouette before she bowed which turned into a tumble, causing her to roll towards Xander only for her to pop back up to her feet a mere foot from him, smiling into his face. Her hair was now a bright gold and completely covered her head.

Xander, being… Xander took it all in stride at what to his lone eye is a fragile fragile young woman who is missing something important, "I see. Well welcome to my home, Mania. Would you like some cake, tea perhaps?"

"Ohh, ohh, where are the Dormouse, Mad Hatter, and March Hare at? It's been forever since I've had tea with them. Two sugars please, preferably without the swearing mouse."

"Here you are," Belldandy said helpfully handing over the cup along with a slice of cake… which once Mania took it somehow went from being chocolate to Rainbow cake with white frosting and sprinkles on top.

"Neat trick," Xander commented. "You gonna pull a rabbit out of your hat next?"

"No, but I once pulled a man out of a rabbit once… it was messy, lemme tell you. Rabbits taste like chicken, why does everything taste like chicken even though it isn't a chicken? Men can be chicken sometimes but not you," She noted looking at Xander, "You've seen the horrors that lurk in the night and instead of running away screaming, you picked up brand and iron and fought back the scream coming from your lips," A smile twitched at the edges of Mania's lips.

She then fixed her gaze on Sam and Dean. "Two brothers, two sides of the same coin, one so hoping to emulate his father, the other, who acts so much like him without even trying. The blood runs thick, human and demon both in your veins, on the ground, and in the pages of history. The last chapter is yet to be written."

Before either of them could ask any questions she turned to Castiel, "You shall raise the son of your adversary, and you, like your brother before you, shall cast down another."

She turned to the Charmed Ones, "The Power of Three a shackle be, and Five be needed to set you free. One from the grave and one with a stave, together with them, cast off your chains."

Mania then smiled at Belldandy, "Perfection is overrated. Don't be afraid to Fall, you'll be caught. Let him heal your broken heart."

To Urd she said, "Guidance of the past is required, knowledge is power, and soon, yours will be in high demand. Teach, so that the mistakes of the past aren't repeated."

She turned to the nervous Shantae, " A hero's legacy hall be fulfilled in the lands left unprotected a new hero answered the call. Do not worry for the sands of time are not cruel."

Then she reached into her coat and pulled out, of all things, a baby. She then proceeded to tease it and poke its nose, "Your an adorable little thing, yes you are."

"Umm, could you give me my son please," Piper asked upon seeing this strange women who seemed to be spewing prophecies left and right pull her own child out of her coat.

Yet Mania ignored her and instead was making airplane noises as she zoomed cake into his mouth. "Who's a good boy, who's going to grow up and wield Excalibur? You are, yes you are!"

Suddenly she blew a gigantic soap bubble out of her mouth which caught Wyatt in it and the baby giggled happily as he floated over to his mother. The bubble popped silently as it settled onto Piper's lap.

Mania, her hair now black with her eyes bright pink and green respectively, turned to Rias, "Your boobs will shrink."

"Wait, what?" Rias asked.

Then out of nowhere, fish started floating through the air. Just… fish.

"I don't remember installing an aquarium? Bell did we install an aquarium?" Xander asked conversationally.

"We have not, oh look, an angel fish Xander," Belldandy pointed out.

"Cool," Xander looked to his new guest. "Not that I'm not enjoying the clear displays of reality warping, cause I am. I'm even considering killing that Mahi Mahi for dinner tonight and that swordfish, but regardless, you think you could tone it down, just a smidge Mania? Your scaring the rest of the guests."

Just as quickly as they arrived, the fish started disappearing, except for the Mahi, Mahi and a swordfish which floated themselves into the kitchen. Also a goldfish kept swimming around Wyatt's head, much to the toddler's amusement.

"Thank you," Dean said, clearly weirded out by this girl, whom he had no intention of fucking with ever.

Mania looked around the room her eyes shifting from color to color as she noted how out of place everything was. Then she smiled, raised her fingers and snapped.

Suddenly they were sitting in a furnished room, plush carpet on the floor, sitting in nice chairs facing a large marble fireplace, the flames roaring. Xander looked around. The walls were covered by pillars which had suits of armor standing at attention in alcoves stood strange objects like an iron mask on a stand, a strange piece of rock as large as he was tall hewn in the shape of an ankh, a crystal ball sitting on a stand, a pair of swords one seemingly made of brass that had two separate blades with a large gap in-between them, and the other had a sunburst for a hilt with several interconnecting circles carved onto the flat of the sword itself. And many more strange odds and ends besides.

"What is this place Mania?"

"Welcome to the House of Mystery," the girl said giving a foppish bow.

Xander looked to the girl and blinked, something he usually avoided doing. "As in the House of Mystery? The one owned by John 'I've died and come back so many times it might as well be a meme' Constantine?"

"Yep it was his, now, it's yours," Mania threw out her hands causing confetti to fly everywhere. "Congratulations!"

Xander sighed, "You know he's probably gonna wanna kill me once he finds out I have his house right?"

The girl just shrugged, "Well~l he needs to find you first, and that's kinda hard to do when you have a house that exists outside space and time, and can thus, exist and where, and when, you want. Onward and outward my fellow Whovians!" She cried pointing a finger to the heavens.

It took Xander a moment to figure out what she meant before he laughed. "Okay, okay, so besides giving me a much more comfortable Tardis to float around the multiverse in, is there anything else you want to give me or let me know about?"

The girl tapped her chin for a moment… "Might wanna check the garage, keys are on the hook by the door. Toodles."

And just like that. Mania had disappeared, turning on her heel and disappearing in an explosion of rainbow colored smoke.

"What the actual fuck, just happened," Dean said after a moment, voicing what everyone sans Xander was thinking.

"Language," Piper said covering her toddler's ears.

Rias decided to say the next thing on everyone's mind, "So now what?"

"Well, I guess we could check out the house?" Xander said, "Or if you were talking about yourself specifically, I could send you back home if you'd like.

The redheaded demoness shook her head while peering at some of the objects tucked into the walls, "No, no, I'm fine where I am for now, and all for having a look around this place."

"Is it safe?" Piper asked, concern for her son prevalent.

Xander wanted to say yes but with a name like Mania and the powers she displayed… so he settled with shrugging, "I've no idea, but since she said I was the owner I'd like to think so."

"Correct."

Xander jumped to the side when he heard the near monotone female voice reply to him. The woman in question was some type of demon or fairy as she had blue striped skin with a crest on top of her head, her eyes were black with crimson irises, and she had insectoid like wings on her back.

Xander had the Colt up and pointed at her head in a matter of moments, "Who are you?"

"I am known as Orchid. I am… the physical manifestation of the House of Mystery," The woman explained in a stoic drawn out tone.

Xander lowered his gun, "Oh… okay then."

"How do you know she isn't lying?" Dean said his voice tense, Knife in hand.

Xander stared at her, his odd Sight enabling him to see the countless threads of magic that came from every board, nail, and object in this place, all spinning, twisting, and rolling together to give Orchid her form. "Trust me, I've got… a way of reading people," He addressed the physical manifestation of his new house. "So Orchid, would you mind giving us the grand tour?"

"Certainly,"

The group followed the blue-skinned woman as she walked out of the room into what appeared to be a foyer. "The room you were just in was the sitting room, used to greet guests. The House of Mystery has an infinite number of rooms each having whatever the owner might need at a moments notice. John Constantine was fond of having a fully stocked bar on the first floor for example."

"Sounds like him," Xander agreed with a nod.

Indeed. She led the group down the hall into a spacious kitchen with an island in the center from which pots and pans hung, and several nice appliances sitting in the corners, with the countertops covered in granite and the cupboard space being stained oak wood. A long wooden kitchen table was sitting not too far away that a bench seating cut from logs that had been hewn in half. It looked big enough to seat a small army.

She pointed to a door off to the side, "Over there is the garage."

Xander seemingly in a trance walked over to the door and took the set of keys off the hook before he opened the door. Then, he flicked on the lights. There, sitting pristinely in the three car garage, was a mother of pearl Ashton Martin DB5.

Xander walked forward and gazed at the vehicle reverently. This wasn't just a car. It was considered the Bond car to many, and now, he had one. 'But does it come with all the bells and whistles?' he wondered.

Hitting the keyfob, he unlocked the doors and let himself inside. It was a two door coupe with a white leather interior, stick shift control, with wood panelling on the dash and chrome coated instruments. It was beautiful. He popped the hood, and decided to take a look at the engine. The engine block was a DOHC Straight-6, 4.0 L. With six pistons on top of the block giving his steel horse 5500rpm, and the transmission was a five speed ZF box. He knew it could go from zero to sixty in eight seconds, but he bet with a bit of tweaking and maybe smidge of magic, he could get it down to three seconds.

"That's just not fair," Dean's voice said from the doorway to the garage. "She just… gave you a James Bond Car? The James Bond car?"

"Sure looks like it, but don't take it so hard Dean, your Impala is a classic."

"Does it come with the gadgets?" Sam asked from behind his brother.

Xander moved back into the driver's seat after shutting the hood, "Good question Sammy, let's find out."

Xander looked around the interior for anything that seemed out of place. "Let's see, if I were Q, where would I hide the gadget buttons?" He pressed the knob in on the radio, "Radio?"

A low-grade missile fired out of the grill, tearing a hole in the garage door which promptly began to fix itself. Well, I think we have gadgets."

"You just fired a missile!" Sam said in a giddy, kid on Christmas morning tone.

A few seconds later, an explosion was heard, "What did you just hit?"

"Probably whatever was across the street… Oh God!"

"Ouch!" The red haired devil complained for the fourth time that day.

"Sorry Rias, but seriously who the fuck lives across the street from me?! Some sweet old lady or something?"

"Uh… we do!" Piper commented.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit! Where the hell is the garage door opener!" Xander yelled as he looked all over the interior for the door opener.

As he said that the metal garage door shot up, And Orchid popped into the passenger side seat saying, "I am sentient if you'll recall master? The need for such things like garage door openers is beneath me."

Apparently even sentient houses had their pride not that Xander was paying any attention seeing as he was staring, mouth agape at the scene before him. The Halliwell Manor looked like a bomb had just hit it, which was funny considering… he just… yeah… He looked to the Charmed Ones who were staring at the scene in equal amounts of horror and shock. The front half of the manor was just… gone… kaput… blown to smithereens. It was like a hand had reached down and ripped the front of their house off. The neighbors were already gathering, taking pictures and calling the police.

"I am so, so sorry!" Xander said while rolling down the windows of his car.

"You blew up our house," Piper said in shock. "You blew up our house!" She repeated this time getting angry.

"Piper, Piper, Piper!" Phoebe said gently trying to calm her sister down. "Calm down, this isn't the first time this has happened remember?"

"Seriously?" Sam, Dean, and Xander asked at the same time.

"I...I know that! It's just, Wyatt could've gotten hurt if that crazy woman hadn't… Oh my God!"

"Seriously people, knock it off!" Rias complained, all these sharp pains running through her head were giving her an actual headache now.

Piper carried on, ignoring Rias, "Is that why she pulled my son out of her coat? Did she know this was going to happen?"

"Knowing her, probably," Xander said more to himself than anyone else. He then told the witch sisters. "Well your more than welcome to stay at my place while yours gets fixed since apparently I have plenty of room. You guys too," He extended the invitation to Team Freewill. "It probably wouldn't hurt for Kevin to have a safe place to lie low while he deciphers the tablet and I can't think of anywhere safer than a house that exists outside of spacetime. Can you?"

The Brothers Winchester looked at each other then Sam said, "He's got a good point Dean, plus we've got nothing he wants for the Tablet anyway."

"True… And I don't suppose you have room in your garage for a '66 Impala do you?"

"Me Casa es Su Casa guys, so long as you treat everyone here with the proper respect," Xander gave Dean a pointed look as he said this.

"I won't pick on Red, you have my word," Dean said placing his hand on his heart. "Scouts honor."

"We were never in the Scouts," Sam said giving his brother a weird look. "We're we?"

Dean smacked his brother upside the head, "No Sammy, it's a figure of speech, now wait here, while I go park my baby in her new digs."

"Is your brother always so…" Paige tried to find the right word, "meatheaded?"

"Yes." Sam replied, "But don't worry he grows on you after awhile. He's a good person, I promise. He just doesn't trust as easily as I do."

"Sounds like someone I know," Phoebe said while giving her oldest living sister a sideways glance.

"He's such a… a man." Piper said in annoyance while she held her son in her arms.

"Yeah, we're the other half of the dominant species on Earth, woe be us." Xander joked.

"Sucks doesn't it." Sam said playing along with the joke.

Xander nodded. "Sometimes, especially when women do the thing."

"Yes, yes the thing, no man can resist the thing." Sam said in a reverent tone like a preacher at a pulpit.

"Excuse me, but what is the thing?" Paige asked.

"Is… is she really acting like she doesn't know what the thing is?"

Sam nodded, "She is."

"Seriously what's the thing?!" Paige really wanted to know now.

"Its that thing women do to get guys to agree to pretty much anything. You know, they come really close, lean over 'just so' so you get a peak down their shirt, and your so hypnotized by the boobs you don't know what their saying or what you just agreed to till you agreed to it."

"Exactly! It's the thing!"

"It's called using feminine wiles," Piper replied, "And it's not our fault you men fall for it every single time.

"The thing!" Both men rebutted at the same time. "But no, no it really is our fault," Xander agreed.

Why is that?" Orchid asked.

"Boobs," Xander replied easily. "The are both amazing and mysterious at the same time, all the time."

The Charmed Ones all looked to Rias and said at once, "There's no way those are real!"

"They are too, thank you very much, and I'm not even the biggest person I know… but I'm sure Lord Solominis already knew that," Rias said with a bit of a huff added at the end.

"Rias, you're a J-cup, relax," Xander told her. "Like seriously your boobs if needed could be used either as an airbag or an emergency floatation device. You have nothing to worry about in the size department.

"J-cup?" Charmed ones were still giving Rias the stink eye and it was Paige who asked the question.

"Like… FF-cup over here I think. I don't know for sure since Japan uses different measuring sizes," Xander replied.

"Why do I feel like I lost a competition I wasn't aware that I'd been entered in? Paige asked no one in particular.

"Welcome to the female equivalent of male penis envy, honey," Linda Tran said, patting the younger woman on the shoulder comfortingly. "Don't worry, it'll get better with time."

"Thanks?" Paige said awkwardly not knowing how to feel about this form of comfort.

"So, uh… I'm guessing you don't have much to move over here huh?" Xander said still feeling incredibly awkward about this whole incident.

"No, we don't," Pipers reply and glare were both deadpan flat.

Xander hung his head in shame before apologizing again, "I really am very sorry."

"Well, it's not like he was trying to blow our house up, not like all the other times this has happened," Phoebe reasoned trying to calm her eldest sister down.

"I know, I know, it's just... all our stuff is destroyed… again. It gets old after awhile." Piper groused.

Xander turned off the car and got out. "Well, I might be able to help with that. If this place has whatever I need then… Xander made his way back inside and headed upstairs to the second floor. He stared down a hallway and sure enough he found rooms with brass name plaques on the doors. One for each of the Charmed One. "Ha! I called it!"

Following him up the steps and looking past him Phoebe called out, "Do those doors have our names on them?"

Xander nodded, "How much do you wanna bet if you open them, they'll look just like your rooms back home, wardrobe and all?"

The witch sisters looked at one another then marched past the owner of this weird house and started checking out the rooms that bore their names. Phoebe was the first to call out, "It's the same! The exact same!"

Ditto!" Paige called out.

Piper poked her head into her room, looked around and smiled, "Make that a trifecta."

Xander smiled, feeling a little relieved he could at least do this much for them. He peeked into Piper's room. It consisted of primarily dark colors especially the duvet. The wallpaper was floral in design and a rather large bed dominated the room but there was a closet off to the left that had been turned into a playpen for the baby. A wooden dresser also took up one wall along with a door that was ajar that seemed to lead into a bathroom.

"Everything in order?" He asked not wanting to seem nosy but curious all the same.

Piper turned and gave him a relieved smile. "I'm sorry for being so difficult today. It's just well… we honestly didn't know what to make of you."

"Ree?" Xander said, doing his best scooby doo impression while pointing at himself.

Piper giggled a bit. "Yeah, lets just say every other warlock we've met has tried to either kill us or steal our powers so we were on edge when you moved in right across the street. But you seem nice enough… missile notwithstanding."

"I'm very sorry about that for like, the third time now," The young man replied.

"It's… I want to say okay, but this is like the fourth or fifth time this has happened now, and it's starting to feel like a bad joke you know?"

"Yeah, like needing to stop an apocalyptic event from happening every year or something right?" Xander could give as well as he could get.

Piper nodded sheepishly, "Yeah okay, fair point. So you're really ok with us staying then?"

"You can stay till your house gets rebuilt, or forever if that's what you really want," Xander replied with an honest shrug, "I'm fine with either. I learned a long time ago that water is thicker than blood, and friends can be just as important if not more so, than family."

Piper was thrown off by his sudden declaration that they were friends and that they were welcome to stay forever if they liked. Yet she quickly found herself smiling, "Thank you, Xander, that's kind of you."

"No problem," Xander called down the hall to the other Halliwell girls, "Everything in order ladies?"

"Aye aye, Captain Fury!" Paige called back.

"Ten-four!"

"Roger that, we are Oscar Mike in five people… and its Colonel Fury for the record," Xander called out.

"Wait, who's Oscar Mike?" Phoebe asked.

"That's Army lingo for moving out in five," Dean told the witch trio.

"Oh… okay… where are we going?" Phoebe asked.

Xander replied over his shoulder as he walked away. "An army marches on its stomach, and while cake and tea is great, we need to get some real chow and a place to talk strategy."

The group ended up piling in both the Impala and Xander's new ride and heading to a California institution, In-and-Out Burger. The place was eternally busy loud and the servers were constantly yelling at people to come get their orders.

"Umm, I love a double double as much as the next girl, but is this really a good place to have a secret meeting?" Piper asked. While looking around at all the people present and making sure Wyatt is secured in high chair. "It's kinda… public."

"Exactly, who's going to pay attention to us in the midst of all of this chaos and noise?" the one-eyed former carpenter replied with a knowing smile. "Espionage, real espionage takes place in places like this. All that cloak and dagger crap you see on tv is just that, tv."

"You would know, wouldn't you, Agent Bond?" Dean joked as the group took up a large semi-circular corner booth in the back of the restaurant while Belldandy went to place everyone's order.

"I would, yes," Xander affirmed. "So, down to business, or do you wanna eat first?"

"Why not mix business with pleasure?" Dean said, "You wanna keep Kev with you right?"

Xander shrugged. "It makes sense, I mean do you have a house with automated magical defenses? Plus two goddesses and a trio of badass witches?"

"Charmer," Phoebe said sending Xander a smile.

Dean shook his head, "No, can't top that."

Xander continued. "But really none of this matters if Kevin isn't okay with staying with me, and it's rude to talk about someone like he isn't even here when he is," Xander turned and fixed Kevin with his one remaing eye. "So Kevin Tran, Prophet of God, what do you think about all this?"

Kevin blinked in surprise. "Wow, you're actually asking me for my opinion?" Keven shot Dean and Sam a look, "These two just kinda tell me what to do and don't give me a choice in the matter."

"Hey," Dean protested, "We keep your ass alive, that's the important part."

Sam though had the decency to look uncomfortable. "He's got a point though Dean we… don't really ask for his opinion all that often. Yes, he's The Prophet of God, and yes, he's important, but just because he's important doesn't mean he stopped being a human being with his own opinions." Seeing the scathing look his older brother was giving him Sam tried again, "I'm just saying maybe we should give his words some thought is all? It's his life."

"I'll start listening to his opinions when they stop potentially getting him and us, killed Sammy," Dean rebutted.

"That's where you and I differ Dean," Xander calmly retorted before a full fledged fight could break out. "You claim to be on Team Freewill but when it comes right down to it, you hardly let anyone choose for themselves. Always following orders to a tee, always. Is it any wonder you were chosen to be Michael's original vessel?"

"He was what?" The Charmed Ones asked, looking between him and Dean.

"Ignore that," Dean said. "And what makes you different from me then?"

Xander smiled it was a sad smile. "Dean, I give people the choice. I lay out all the facts for them, and let them choose. That is what the Freewill part of being on Team Freewill means."

The two hunters stared each other down, only for Rias to completely ignore the tension by questioning Castiel about something Xander had brought up.

"So angels need human vessels in this dimension? How interesting," Rias noted before looking to Castiel as she took a sip from her soda before inquiring, "Am I to assume that is not your original form then?"

It is not, my original form would be the size of the Empire State Building and made of blinding light."

"Wow, so your tall huh?"

"Your attempts to seduce me shall end in failure. I've learned of your ways from the mailman," Castiel told her.

Rias looked to Sam and Dean, "Mailman?"

"Porno," Dean replied shortly.

"Angels are watching porn now? What's next flying pigs?" Phoebe asked.

Urd on the other hand, just slapped Castiel on the shoulder, "Good for you sugar, I always felt angels should be allowed to cut loose a little bit."

"Angels, watching porn, devils being nice, and cars shooting missiles and blowing up houses. Today is all kinds of crazy," Linda Tran said to herself. "I feel like I step into Micheal Bay movie. What next, mac tuck going to turn into robot from outer space?"

"If Optimus Prime shows up, I'm getting a selfie," Xander quipped as Belldandy arrived with the food. "Thanks Bell."

"Well, the Gabriel in my world causes angels to Fall because she forgets to wear clothes sometimes… at least that's what I've heard."

Dean, who'd just taken a sip of his soda, did a perfect spit take, "Wha… what the hell did you just say Red? Gabriel in your dimension is a chick?"

"With huge boobs and hair that looks like it's spun from gold," Xander affirmed.

"And we get the douchebag male one that likes to pretend its a shapeshifter and trickster, why?" Dean asked no one in particular.

"Karma?" Paige offered as an answer.

"Yeah well, Karma can go suck it, or turn into a chameleon whichever," Dean quipped.

"Karma Chameleon pun, really Dean?" Sam said sounding pained.

"Shut up mr. Vessel of Lucifer."

Sam shot his brother a glare. "Dude, why?"

To which Dean shrugged, "They knew about me, why not you too?"

Much to Sam's surprise when he turned to explain, he found Phoebe reaching out and taking his hand, looking at him sympathetically. "Don't worry, you don't have to say anything. I get it."

Sam blinked. "You do?"

Phoebe nodded, "Yeah… I kinda fell in love with my archenemy for a bit, became the Queen of the Underworld it was this whole thing. So if anyone could understand what you went through, it would be me… us, I mean."

Dean didn't say anything for a moment, then he smirked and sent his brother a sideways look and said, "You need to put a ring on that ASAP. If anyone could understand your baggage, it would be her."

Phoebe flushed and looked away. Piper smacked Dean upside the head. "Wait to ruin the moment you meathead."

"Hey, I'm just sayin'. Why are you so violent?" Dean asked.

Piper was quick to snap back, "Why are you so dense?"

"Now now, let's all get along," Belldandy said clapping her hands together. "Besides you don't want to upset the little one do you?" She motioned to Wyatt.

Dean smiled at the toddler before tickling his chin and causing him to giggle, "Nah, we can't have that, now can we champ?"

'Hmph, maybe he's not so bad afterall if he can make Wyatt smile,' Piper grudgingly thought to herself, recalling her child, though young was an innately good judge of character. Being able to know when to put up a forcefield to protect himself from harm. So if he let Dean touch him, he can't be all bad.

"So, what's our next move Xander dear?" Urd asked. "Surely you don't intend to wait for that Crowley person to come back and try again?"

"We dealt him a pretty heavy blow today, taking out a hundred demons in one go. But yes Urd, I don't like the idea of leaving a potential enemy alive any more than you do. However, we might have greater concerns," Xander said, his voice sounding far away.

"What is it Xander?" Belldandy asked, sounding concerned.

"I… can't tell for certain but I know shit's going down… somewhere."

"Is it good or bad?" Sam asked worriedly.

"Most likely bad… this is kinda like spidey sense. I know something is coming, I just don't know where, or what it is."

"Is this the part where you say you've got a bad feeling about this or these are not the droids you looking for?" Linda asked.

"The first, definitely the first. Nice Star Wars reference by the way Linda," Xander said distractedly, his head on a swivel as he looked around waiting for the hammer to drop.

In the Heavens, where the Council of Elders reigned, two Whitelighters had just been briefed on their very special assignment by the Elders. "Now, do you both understand your assignment and what it is you need to do?"

The two nodded, the older of the two speaking for the both of them. "Yes sir," the girl nudged her compatriot when he didn't respond.

"Um yeah, we got it…" The boy was pale with dark brown hair and even darker eyes.

"You have something you want to ask?" Leo Wyatt one of the newest Elders inquired.

The young man in front of him nodded nervously. "Why us? You could've chosen anyone for this gig, but you chose us specifically. Why?"

Leo pondered over how to answer only for Elder Odin to beat him to the punch. "You were chosen because you know the Constantine. How he thinks how he acts, and due to his familiarity with the two of you he'd be more than likely to listen to you, meaning that disaster can hopefully be averted."

"We've met him sirs?" The older of the two an ebony skinned female asked, she had a Jamacian lilt to her voice, and a slim athletic figure, that belayed her strength.

The Elders shared a look, "We should tell them," Leo said, "They should know, just what they're getting into and with who."

"Who is he?" the male of the two asked. Only to receive an elbow in his ribs. "Forgoing my usual manly pride, I'm just gonna say that hurts Ken."

"Be respectful to da Elders," Ken chastised.

The Elders smiled at little at this familial like display between the two. These two Whitelighters in particular had gotten close over their rather recent tenure as angels. But it was to be expected really.

They both died in the same town, and knew the same people after all, so they had common ground.

"Kendra, Jessie," Leo said, getting their attention.

"Sorry your Elderliness… Olderly One? Esteemed Old Ones?" Jessie said doing his best to be respectful yet each title just came off as slightly mocking, and set some Elders scowling while those with a sense of humor where hiding their grins behind their hands.

Leo let out something between a sigh and a chuckle. "Don't worry. You'll know the Constantine when you see him, now please for all our sakes, get going."

The two new whitelighters snapped off a salute. One crisp and refined the other sloppy and foppish before they orbed down to Earth.

Sitting back down in his chair Leo ran a hand down his face. "Do you think they'll do okay?"

"Let us hope so," Elder Sandra said, her tone grave, "For all our sakes."

Fury had made her way back to the plane that the Nephilim called home and dismounted from Rampage, the black steed pawing at the charred earth with a single hoof. She was greeted at the stable by her eldest brother Death. As usual, his mask gave nothing away as he eyed her up. "So, it is done then? The will of the Charred Council?"

Fury shook her head. "No, the Constantine, he… has managed to collect allies at an alarming rate. He is unlike any to come before him in that regard."

Death stroked the bottom of his mask. "Yes, yes indeed. What sort of allies has he mustered?"

"Urd, Eldest of the Norn, Samuel and Dean Winchester the Vessels of Lucifer and Michael, Kevin Tran, the Prophet of God, and a red haired demoness calling herself Rias Gremory."

Death sighed, "An annoying bunch indeed. Do you want me to come with you?"

Fury shook her head. "No, no need to trouble yourself. I was hoping to find War if he's about. You know how quick he is to lick the Charred Council's boots."

"You shouldn't be so hard on War," Death admonished. "He is one who puts duty and honor above all else. It is more than can be said of some."

Neither said that he was speaking of the mavrick Strife, though both knew it.

After a moment of awkward silence, Fury continued, "Yes well, anyway, have you seen War?"

"He is in the training pits, as always when not out on assignment," Death said, with a bit of a chuckle in his tone.

Fury nodded and made her way to the fighting pits where the Nephilim honed their skills for countless millennia. War was in the midst of fighting countless demons as they pulled themselves up from spawning pools, an endless horde of a tireless warriors driven by rage.

Fury watched for a time bemused as her brother carved his way through the demonic legions with his sword, Chaoseater soaking up their blood to further empower him. As he lopped the head off of the final Fallen, Fury jumped into the pit getting her brother's attention as she landed.

War turned, Chaoseater raised high prepared to strike only to pause when he laid eyes on his one and only sister. "Fury," War spoke in his gruff yet solemn tone. "What brings you of all people to me?"

Fury pouted playfully, "Why do you not sound happy to see me little brother? I'm hurt."

"Fury, what do you want?" War asked, cutting straight to the point.

Fury sighed, 'War always is all business' she thought. "I require assistance getting rid of this Constantine on Earth."

War blinked silently for a moment. "Is he that troublesome?"

"In terms of power, I've no idea as I haven't fought him personally, but he was able to gather Urd the Norn of the Past, along with the Vessels of Michael and Lucifer, another Angel, and plan successful counterattack against a legion of a hundred demons."

"How strong were the demons?" War asked, combat was his element. He was a warrior a soldier, the battlefield was his domain.

"They all felt to be at least of the Knight Class."

"Hmm… yes. I could see why you would be uneasy," Seeing his sisters minute shifting of her eyes into a glare War added, "I do not mean that as an insult sister. But for a Constantine to take down four score Knight class demons is no small feat. And in one maneuver no less?" Seeing her nod War smiled, something he rarely did. "Yes, this one has certainly had military training of some sort. Which is why you need my assistance yes?"

Fury grimaced as she nodded, "Unfortunately, yes."

War's chest rumbled as he laughed, "Try not to sound so pleased about spending some quality time with me. I'll go saddle Ruin and we'll see what we can do about this Constantine problem."

Fury clenched her fist as her brother left the fighting pit, her pride was wounded by the fact that she felt the need to come back here for assistance at all, yet for War to take it as some form of joke? Spending quality time with him indeed! It took all her self control not to try and flog him with Scorn, her whip and weapon of choice, right then and there.

'Just you wait Constantine, your time is coming,' Fury promised her quarry.

The two whitelighters orbed down to earth and manifested in the parking lot between a pair of cars. The moment Jessie saw the cars they'd orbed between he let out a shrill whistle. "Wow these are classics."

"What's that one?" Kendra pointed to the pearlescent car with the raised headlights.

"That's an Aston Martin DB5, the James Bondmobile, remember, I told you about those movies?"

Kendra nodded. "I do, and that one?" She motioned to the black car next to it.

"That would be a '66 Chevy Impala, Kendra Young."

The voice that spoke wasn't that of Kendra's compatriot but of someone equally familiar, and it came from behind her. She spun on her heel and found Alexander Lavelle Harris staring at her with a single eye. A gun was pointed at her and held close to his body, likely to prevent arousing suspicion.

"I don't know what kinda creepy crawlies you two are," Xander spoke coldly, his tone dark and foreboding, as he spoke looking between the two his face a wrathful visage carved of pale granite. "But I take offence to you taking the forms of my friends. Jessie in particular."

Jessie McNally raised his hands in surrender. "Xander, bro its me man."

Xander all but spat, some spittle flying from his mouth. "Bullshit! Jessie is dead! I staked his ass myself. So, you've got five seconds to explain what and who you are before I gank you myself."

"Gank is my word," Dean complained.

"I'm borrowing it!" Xander snapped at the hunter.

Paige put a hand on Xander's shoulder gently getting his attention. "Xander, I think these two might be Whitelihters, right?" She asked the two.

The two nodded rapidly with Kendra saying, "Yes, that's correct."

Belldandy put her hand on his other shoulder. "Remember Xander, your the One Who Sees. There's no deceiving your Sight, should you choose to use it."

Xander nodded. He kept forgetting he actually had powers now. He kept his gun trained on the two before he blinked hard. His Sight glowed with power in his remaining eye and showed him two orbs of light with angelic wings that emitted light in a humanoid shape.

Whitelighter. Guardian Angel. Something said in the back of his head. Jessie McNally and Kendra Young.

That confirmed it. These two were who they said they were. Xander dropped the Colt and moved forward, placing Jessie in a bone-crushing hug, all while saying, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!"

Jessie didn't do anything for a moment then he patted Xander on the back. "There there, Xand, it wasn't me bro. You killed the demon possessing my corpse. You did good bro. You did good by me."

Jessie pulled back so as to get a good look at his brother in all but blood. "You got tall… and you finally got a sense of style and abandoned those eye sore hawiian shirts. What happened to the eye? The shirts get so gaudy they force one of them to burst one day?"

"My eye got forcibly gouged out by a demonically possessed priest you ass!" Xander slapped his brother on the arm. "God it's good to see you Jessie!" He turned to Kendra, "And Kendra your back!"

The Jamacian Slayer smiled at the one-eyed man. He had grown in both height, and strength if she hadn't missed her guess. He had assumed first that they were threats and were more than ready to neutralize them should they prove dangerous. "You've grown Alexander. I do not just mean physically either. You are more… mature now."

He gave her a wan smile, "Shit's happened since you died Kendra. Lot's of it bad."

The former Slayer nodded solemnly. The path of the Slayer was a calling, a duty just like that of a Whitelighter which is why she accepted the offer when it was given to her by the Elders. She always wondered why Alexander and Willow fought. Buffy was Called she really had no choice. Then, she met Jessie and she understood all too well.

Xander lost family to the darkness. He wouldn't stop fighting until the darkness swallowed him whole. Same with Willow Rosenberg, or so she suspected. Unfortunately during her tenure as a Whitelighter she could not be kept abreast of the events around Sunnydale. It was a place too dangerous for Whitelighters to tread as prolonged exposure to the energies of a Hellmouth could turn Whitelighters into Darklighters. So all she could do was wait, hope, and pray for the safety of Buffy and her friends.

Then news reached her of Sunnydales collapse. She'd fretted endlessly over Buffy's safety, Alexander and Willow's as well. So much so she broke protocol and orbed down to Sunnydale and searched for them. She was gratified to see they'd survived, beaten, battered, bruised, and exhausted, but alive. She orbed away with a smile on her face. She received a stern talking to by Elder Odin for her actions but was let off the hook considering her previous association with everyone there. It helped that she didn't get caught either. Plus, she didn't do anything to stand out like heal anyone or anything.

Kendra was brought out of her reminiscing when Alexander cleared his throat. "So um, not that its not amazing to see you, because it is, but… why are you here? Don't you, as Guardian Angels, have charges to be guarding?"

"About that," Jessie said rubbing his head awkwardly. "We, that is to say Kendra and I, are your Whitelighters buddy."

The former carpenter's reply was deadpan flat, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

"You don't sound too thrilled at that," Jessie noted nervously.

Xander shook his head and let out a hyena like laugh. "After all the shit I've been through… only now, after a tsunami of shit do two guardian angels show up, and of all the people it could be, it just so happens to be you two?" He shook his head again. "Nah, I know a setup when I smell one."

He showed the two the Ring he had on his right middle finger. "See this?"

The two looked at the Ring of Solomon and knew innately what it was. Seeing their reaction, Xander knew that they knew what it was. "Yeah, that's right, Ring of Solomon bitches! Now, Jessie, Kendra, is there something anything important you'd like to tell me? In particular relating to your assignment to me?"

"We were ordered to watch your interaction with the Charmed Ones and prevent you from getting too close to them," Jessie admitted.

Xander scowled and wracked his brain trying to figure out why that was the case. He looked to the girls, who looked as clueless as he felt. In the end, he decided to just ask. "Okay, what's the deal with me and the Charming Three not getting chummy?"

"We like you too Xander," Paige told him from behind.

"According to the Elders, there's a prophecy." Kendra began.

Xander against his better judgement rolled his one good eye. "Of course there's a prophecy. There's always a prophecy. Alright, out with it, what did the big bad prophecy say?"

Kendra narrowed her eyes and pouted at Xander. "It said that if the One of the Cursed Bloodline of Constantine and the Charmed Quartet unite, upheaval shall befall the balance."

Xander blinked, "What, that's it?"

"Don't you see how bad this is man?" Jessie reasoned. "You being anywhere near the Charmed Ones is just bad mojo you need to skip town for all our sakes."

Xander laughed and shook his head. "Man they got you indoctrinated good don't they Jess? I mean, Kendra I can understand, because she's always been a yes sir no sir goody two shoes…"

"Hey!" The Jamacian protested still unable to move due to the power of the Ring.

"But I honestly expected better of you man," Xander finished, ignoring the ex-slayers protest.

"What do you mean Xan? Upsetting the balance sounds pretty bad."

Xander walked forwards and slapped his brother in all but name upside the head. "Think Jessie! Actually think man! It'll upset the balance in what way? How? For whom? Your little prophecy doesn't say does it?"

Ignoring the stinging on the side of his head, Jesse absorbed his brother's words. 'No, it doesn't. What… what are the Elders playing at? Are they afraid of whatever this prophecy will do?' Jessie shook his head. "Your right, it doesn't say. But can we really take that chance?"

Xander shook his head. "You don't have a choice anymore brother. Jessie McNally, Kendra Young, I hereby order you by the power of the Ring of Solomon and my right as Solomon's Heir that you are to stay by my side, to loyally keep my secrets unless I give you express permission otherwise."

The two felt the bindings take hold upon them, they tried to resist, but it was futile, no angel or demon could resist the compulsion of the ring once they'd laid eyes on it.

Xander turned to Rias. "I would've put them in a magic circle but we're too open right now for that. It'll have to wait till we get back to the house."

Rias nodded, "Agreed, for now a strong compulsion will do."

Xander turned to the senior angel in the group who wasn't bound to a goddess. "Castiel, could you take these two back to the house and not let them out of your sight till we get there please?"

"Yes," Castiel walked forwards and placed his hand on either Whitelighter before the trio disappeared to the sound of flapping wings.

Of the three Charmed Ones, Piper looked the most pissed. "Penny for your thoughts Piper?"

"Leo my husband is an Elder it's why we're… separated," Piper admitted. "So if a prophecy is going on that the Elders are trying to stop, he likely knew about it and didn't bother to tell me."

All the men winced, even Xander. Even he knew not to be that dumb and get himself put in the doghouse on big important stuff like prophecies. "I'm so sorry about all this," Xander found himself saying again.

Pushing Wyatt into a surprised Dean's arms, Piper began to pace. "I can't believe he wouldn't tell me! What's more, he tries to trick you, by sending your dead friends I mean who even does that? And don't even get me started on how often he's seen his son in the last six months!"

When Wyatt started to fuss due to his mothers yelling Dean shushed him going, "Hey now, hang in there Champ, your mom just needs to vent a bit." Wyatt quickly settled down upon hearing Dean's words, causing the older Hunter to grin. "Atta boy."

"Your good with kids Dean," His little brother complimented.

"Eh, it's not hard Sammy, I mean, I kinda raised you didn't I?" Dean joked.

"Ugh, don't remind me, your idea of Sex Ed was throwing a porno mag at me and saying, 'Go nuts Sammy,'" The younger of the two said with distaste.

"Hey it worked, didn't it?" Dean rebutted before he bounced Wyatt up and down on his knee. "Besides, I don't think we have to worry about that with Champ for a few years yet. Give em a decade or so and he'll be gankin' his first vamp or somethin' huh buddy?"

Wyatt smiled and grinned.

"Yes you will, who's gonna gank all the big bad vampires. You will, yes you will, they'll never see you coming before you lop their heads off, will they? No they won't, no they won't!" Dean said in a pitched tone while Sam smiled happy to see his big brother let his walls down around a child, even if the subject matter was a bit… morbid.

"Piper, Piper look," Phoebe interrupted her sister mid-rant just so she could point out the elder Winchester and his interaction with her nephew.

Piper crossed her arms and smiled as she watched Mr. Macho Dean Winchester keep her baby boy entertained as she had a meltdown in a parking lot. 'So he's a good guy after all under all that bluster.' Piper thought to herself managing a smile despite her anger at her (ex?) husband. Piper honestly wasn't sure if they were divorced or not. Technically speaking, they were certainly separated at the moment. She shook her head. 'I shouldn't even be 'considering' this.'

Marching up to Dean with a smirk on her face she said, "I think it's time we got back to the Manor of Mystery. Time to put 'Champ' down for his afternoon nap. He can't gank any vampires if he doesn't get any proper sleep now can he?"

Dean looked up, having a look on his face like a kid who'd been caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "I uh, yeah, good idea. Can't have the kid gettin' all cranky, that would drive me nuts."

'And just like that the Macho walls are back up,' Piper thought to herself resisting the urge to roll her eyes as she took back her son. She did give Dean a smile though, and said, "Thanks for looking after him while I had my meltdown Dean."

"Yeah, sure no problem. Let's uh, let's hit the road yeah? We got some angels waiting back home to interrogate," Dean was trying hard to show he didn't care at all about Wyatt and it was obvious to everyone that he really did care.

"You know," Xander said teasingly. "I really think we should get a carseat for Wyatt. I mean, we got here okay but… Well this is California. People drive like maniacs. Not to mention all the homeless."

"Right, new gameplan," Dean said clapping his hands together. "You guys head back in the Ashton, while Spitfire and I get Champ a new car seat.

"Spitfire?" Piper asked fixing Dean with a look.

"What, it fits." Dean said with a shrug.

"Okay Jarhead, let's go," Piper retorted, walking away with Wyatt in her arms.

Dean shook his head, looking confused, "Jarhead? I don't get it."

Watching them go Xander asked the rest of the group. "Am I the only one senseing the belligerent sexual tension between those two?"

"It not just you," Linda said, "Could cut the tension with knife. Provided blockhead pulls head out of ass, he might get lucky."

"Umm, Piper's married," Phoebe said.

Linda shot the other two Halliwell witches a look. "Oh, and where is husband hmm? Up in heaven doing who knows what instead of with wife, providing for family yes?" Seeing them nod, she carried on, "Then what point of being married if she not gettin' any action?"

"Mom!" Kevin said covering his face in embarrassment for like the fifth time today.

"What? It true. When you're father walk out on me, you think I wait six months to have sex? Hell no! I was out on the town within a week… needed to find you a sitter."

"Belldandy, remind me I need to make a shrine to the goddess of snark herself when I get home," Xander commented offhandedly as he made his way to the driver's seat of the car.

"Alright Xander, but if you want it to be a proper shrine, you might want to ask Dean to pick up some incense a decent sized picture frame, and some candles."

"Sam could you?" Xander said as he adjusted his rearview mirror.

The Hunter laughed, "Your seriously going to do this?"

"Well, I do need candles black ones in order to pull off a certain spell," Xander said offhandedly.

"Black candles? For what spell?"

Briefly glancing at Phoebe in the seat beside him Xander replied. "Locator Spell. Didn't you hear what that Prophecy said? The Charmed Quartet. Meaning there should be four of you."

"There… there were four of us," Phoebe said sadly. "Our eldest sister Prue. She died."

"Oh," Xander said. "Yeah, I'm definitely gonna need those candles then. Just for a different kind of spell."

"What kind?" Paige asked curiously.

"Resurrection," Xander replied calmly.

Silence reigned in the car for a moment and then… "What?!" Both Halliwell witches said at the same time.

"Trust me, I've seen it done before," The cyclops sorcerer assured the women. "It's called the Sacrifice to Osiris Ritual. Worked like a charm to bring my friend back from the dead… of course we only learned after the fact she was in Heaven at the time…" Xander spoke mostly to himself at the end.

"Heaven? You dragged someone out of heaven?" Phoebe asked astonished.

"Who was it?" Paige asked.

Xander smiled. "Remember that Slayer I mentioned. Her name is Buffy Summers and she kinda died by jumping into a vortex leading into a hell dimension."

"Damn, she got balls big brass ones," Linda commented. "She single? My Kevin could use a girl like her."

"Mother please stop." Kevin said, in a tone of utter defeat.

Xander gave a mirthless laugh, "No, unfortunately, Buffy is into… vampires."

Phoebe made a face, "I just threw up in my mouth a little bit."

"You? I almost lost my dentures when he say that. How the hell do vampires even get it up? They dead right?" Linda asked.

"Well the vampires Dean and I have fought aren't much different than humans. Crosses and silver don't do shit, neither does the sun. It's just an annoying sunburn to them. The only way to kill a vamp is by decapitation."

"Wow really?" Xander said, "Your vamps are a lot more dangerous than what we're used to fighting," Xander shook his head, unable to believe how lucky he and the rest of the scoobies had been when living in Sunnyhell. "Ours couldn't go out into the sun, hated religious objects, holy water was like acid and stakes to the heart turned them to dust, so did beheading."

Sam shook his head, "I dunno what you fought, but they don't sound like the vampires I know."

"They could be different strains of vampires I suppose. The vampires I know are demonically possessed corpses. You get turned, your soul goes to hell and your body gets turned into a cheap suit."

Sam liked Xanders hypothesis, "Makes about as much sense as anything else."

"We've been attacked by demons on numerous occasions," Phoebe added.

Paige added her two cents, "Yeah they just teleport right into our homes and start throwing fireballs at us whenever they feel like."

"Why haven't you warded your house against attack?" Sam asked with Xander nodding along. "Just make it so that no demon can enter the property without being invited in."

"Wait," Phoebe asked, "That's a thing?"

"Yeah," Xander replied with a nod. "It's a thing."

Phoebe and Paige shared a look, "We are so doing that once our house get rebuilt… again."

Xander shook his head. 'These girls are supposed to be super-witches and defenders against evil, but don't even know how to protect themselves in their own home? Yeah, something smells fishy and it's not 'just' the local harbor.' The sorcerer in training thought to himself.

"Also there's something I've been wanting to ask you," Sam said turning to Shantae who due to being several centuries out of her element was silently amazed by everything going on around her. She was more than content to just watch and look and listen to everything going on around her. No one really paid her any mind, but that was fine. Xander was polite enough to mention what some things were to her and even order food for her. Which was simply divine to her taste buds.

The girl blinked, "Ah, yes? I'm not sure how helpful I can be, but I'll happily answer whatever I can."

"Are you a genie?" Sam asked, point blank.

Shantae nodded, "Yes I am, well half-genie why do you ask?"

"Well, your the first, only really, non hostile genie I've ever met," Sam admitted.

"Hostile? Genies aren't hostile to humans, they are the protectors of the human realm," Shantae said a cold feeling settling in her gut.

"Shantae is… time displaced," Xander said by way of explanation. "She's from the year 1654."

"Oh… oh wow… uh…" Sam was unsure how to continue, but now it made sense as to why he was explaining the names and functions of some common everyday items to her earlier.

"Mr. Winchester?" Shantae was looking at him with big sad eyes.

'Damnit!' Sam thought to himself. "They've… gone bad. Somehow, and I don't know how, they've become monsters that prey on people. They've become psychedelic drug dealers who feed on human blood, covered in tattoos, they've got fangs and bright blue eyes… you… you look nothing like that."

'Genies are evil bloodrinkers now? What, what has become of the Genie Realm, my people, my mother?!' Shantae wanted to yell to scream to… to do something, yet a strong powerful voice cut through her rising panic.

"Shantae," Xander called, getting her attention. "We'll get to the bottom of this, don't worry. One thing at a time though okay? Once we settle things with this prophecy, we'll look into the genies, alright? You have my word."

The jinrei took several deep breaths, "Yes master, thank you."

"Really wish you'd stop with the master bit," Xander groused as they pulled into the driveway. "I'm not into BDSM."

"What's BDSM?" Shantae asked innocently.

"I'll tell you later sugar," Urd promised her as they got out of the car.

When the group arrived in the kitchen, they found Castiel playing poker with Jessie and Kendra. Only Castiel was down to his underwear and socks while Kendra was fully clothed and Jessie was…

"Damn it Jessie put some clothes on! There are ladies present!" Xander ordered.

"She's just too good man, I can't win against her," Jessie complained as he started getting dressed.

"She's not good," Xander said reaching into Kendra's sleeve and pulling out an ace. "She's just a better cheater than you."

"Damnit! Really Ken?" Jessie said as he was trying to get his leg through his pants hopping on one foot as he did so.

"What? I din'it feel like taking me clothes off," The Jamacian Slayer turned Whitelighter exclaimed.

"But that's the point of strip poker, if you lose, you lose clothes!" Jessie replied almost falling over.

"Which is why I made sure I didn't lose, yeah?" The other whitelighter shot back.

"Enough you two, or your both going to the timeout corner," Xander jokes.

"We have a timeout corner?" Castiel asked.

Xander just shook his head. "Cas, your great dude, but you really need to understand humor. Put that on your to-do list okay?"

The angel nodded, "Alright."

Xander sat down on the couch. "Okay so… what to do with the two of you? As on the one hand, I'm thrilled to have two of my friends back," Xander raised one hand palm up before he raised the other, a bit higher than the first, imitating weight scales. "On the other, you lied to me, and intended to manipulate me via my feelings for you. I don't like being manipulated or lied to. Especially not by my friends."

"We're sorry Alexander," Kendra spoke using his full first name. "We dun lied to ya an it was wrong. We shouldn't a did it, but wey did. Can ya forgive us?" Kendra's lilt was coming through due to stress possibly.

"Easy Kendra easy," Xander told her. "I'm not gonna kill you or anything… I'm just a bit pissed at your bosses. Not nearly as pissed as Piper is though."

"Yeah she was like, Mount Killawaya pissed," Jessie noted.

Kendra commented. "You mean Mount Kilaeua? In Hawaii?"

Jessie nodded. "Yep, that's the one… What don't gimme that look," He said upon seeing Kendra shaking her head and smiling. "I didn't get to finish high school damnit!"

"I didn't even get to go, and I know more about your country than you do. Wot does that tell you?" Kendra shot back.

"That I probably should've paid more attention in class than to the shortness of Cordelia Chase's skirts and what was up them ?" Jessie rebutted earning him a slap on the arm from the bronze-skinned former slayer.

Feeling a stern gaze on them the two whitelighters turned to see Xander fixing them with a glare. The two stared at the floor like naughty children. Xander for his part didn't like being the disciplinarian. He was the fun parent damn it! 'Those Elder guys are making me the bad guy and I don't like it. When I get my hands on that Leo guy, he's gettin' an earful from me.' Xander promised himself. 'But now, to the situation at hand.' Clearing his throat he said, "If your willing, would you two make a pact with me? Three I should say." He amended looking to Castiel.

"I have no problem doing this," Castiel replied easily.

Xander tapped his ring against the floor, causing the binding sigil to appear, "Castiel," he called, forcing the angel to appear in the middle of the golden circle.

"Name your terms," Castiel said easily.

"Keep your silence about anything you know about me from anyone who doesn't know me. That includes both of our enemies, and anyone I ask you not to you not to tell. Willow Rosenberg, Elizabeth Summers and Dawn Summers are three such people I'd like you to keep quiet about any and everything for example."

The Angel of God nodded. "Very well, in return I would ask that you not threaten the Winchesters any further."

Xander had no problem with that. He was rather fond of them Sam more so than Dean but still. "Can do. Anything else?"

The angel hesitated before asking, "Should I have need of your services, do I have your assurance that I can call upon you in a time of need?"

Xander smiled and held his arms open as he shrugged, "As long as you're not trying to screw humanity over for your own benefit, yeah, sure I'm always game to help out fighting the good fight. I'll expect the same from you of course. I'm an I scratch your back, you scratch mine kinda guy."

Castiel nodded, "Agreed, so we have an accord then?"

"We do," Xander agreed. The circle flared briefly before calming down and Xander felt something inside him shift ever so slightly, like he had a sudden case of vertigo. 'Woah, that was weird.' He thought to himself before he walked forward and pressed the ring to the barrier turning it to the left to let Castiel out only for the angel to shake his head and one flapping of wings later he was next to Xander. "I thought?"

"Once an accord is made, the summoned is no longer able to harm you or those you are affiliated with," Castiel explained. "There is no need to be bound by the summoning circle then for we our bound by our oaths."

"Ah, cool. Good to know. Jessie McNally, your up."

Jessie appeared in the magic circle looking uncomfortable, "Do we really gotta do this bro?"

Xander sighed and rubbed the back of his head, "Yes we do bro."

"Fine, let's get this over with," Jessie sighed.

"Do you promise to keep my secrets, give me wise council, and not betray me to my enemies henceforth?"

Jessie nodded. "Yes, can we go back to being bros now?"

"Fine by me Jes, fine by me. And last but certainly by no means least, Kendra Young," Kendra took Jessie's place in the magic circle looking nervous. "Why so glum chum?" Xander inquired trying to break the ice with a joke.

"I be feelin' torn Alexander. Betwin me duty to the Elders and my duty to ya as me charge," The Jamacian Slayer admitted.

Xander pulled no verbal punches. "I would like to point out that the last time you followed your duty, you ended up with your throat slit on the library floor."

"You dun made a fine point," Kendra admitted. "It still don' feel right though, betrayin' de Elders."

"Then don't betray them. Just do your job as my whitelighter and make sure I don't get killed. That is your primary job right?" Xander reasoned.

The ex-slayer nodded, "It is."

"Okay then as long as you're doing that, then you're doing your job aren't you?" Xander reasoned. "The one your supposed to be doing anyway."

Kendra thought it over biting her lower lip in thought. "Well, ya not wrong. Ahright, fine. I be keepin' yer secrets as long as ya don't make it too hard on me."

"I'll do my best," Xander promised. "On that topic you wouldn't happen to be against resurrection magic would you?"

"I dun not." Kendra said, "Yer really goin' through wit it den? Brinin' Prue Halliwell back from de dead?"

Xander nodded once. "I think I can pull it off easily enough, provided Dean and Piper ever get back with the candles I need."

Suddenly, the front door opened and Dean called out, "We got your friggin' candles! We had to go to three different stores to get em so I hope it was worth it." The Hunter walked into the room carrying a grocery bag which he promptly tossed to Xander. "Hope you like black cherry scented, cause that's all they had."

"These'll do fine Dean, thank you."

Piper made her way into the room carrying Wyatt. "What do you need black candles for anyway Xander?"

"What, you mean none of your sisters sent you a text?" The other two charmed ones had the decency to look sheepish.

"No," Piper said sounding suspicious. "Why, what's going on?"

"I'm gonna resurrect Pruedence," Xander replied walking out of the room with his candles.

Piper stopped and turned on her heel. "Wait what?!"

"You heard me," Xander called back climbing the stairs to the attic to where he wanted his magical study room to be located.

He opened the door and found the room furnished with a desk, upon which the Necronomicon and that other strange black book sat, there was a coat rack to the left behind the desk and a ceiling fan was slowly spinning overhead. A trio of filing cabinets were pressed up against the far left wall.

"Wow, very film noir Orchid, I approve. Now all I need is an ashtray on the desk and a bottle of whiskey in one of the desk drawers and I'm a bona fide gumshoe."

"Check the bottomost right drawer," Orchid said from behind him.

If Xander hadn't developed a sort of sixth sense by now to tell when someone was sneaking up on him, he probably would've jumped when he heard Orchid's voice behind him, "Hey Orchid, like what you've done with the place."

The fae-like woman gave a semblance of a smile. Even though she was doing it, it felt fake like she was merely mimicking the actions of those around her. 'I've got my work cut out for me with her.' Xander thought to himself before he opened the drawer and did in fact find a bottle of Jameson whiskey and a couple of glasses. Smiling he shut the drawer and pulled the Necronomicon closer for a proper inspection.

"Well, what kind of secrets are you hiding you dusty old tome?"

He flipped the large book open and just as with the Arabic on Shantae's Genie Trap, the words reassembled themselves into legible if somewhat archaic English. The very first sentence read.

"Abandon all reason and hope, ye who dareth read on. A foreword by Abdul al Hazared.

"Well, that's very bright and optimistic isn't it? I'm sure it's all rainbows and sunshine from here on out," Xander muttered as he started flipping through the pages. The pages were old, yellowed and worn, written in red faded ink, and some he noted, were missing. But what he could decipher within the contents of this moldy old tome left him with a bad taste in his mouth.

"Making human sacrifices to appease dead gods? And what's this about an underground cult somewhere around Massachusetts? Note to self, head to Massachuttes and check out this Innsmouth place at some point. Devil's Reef just sounds bad. And this Yig guy, cursing people to give birth to Lamia… what the hell man?"

"I need an intercom," Xander said to himself. And just like that, one appeared near the corner of his desk. "Damn I love this house."

"I am fond of you as well Alexander. You are… kinder than John," Orchid commented.

"Thanks?" Xander replied before he pressed the intercom button, "Belldandy?"

"Yes Xander?" The Norn of the Present replied after a few seconds.

"Could you come up to the attic with Urd and bring some tea? There is something I'd like to discuss with the two of you please."

"Right away, any preferences on tea?" Belldandy asked kindly.

Xander thought for a moment, "Peppermint."

"We'll be right up." Belldandy told him.

As he waited he continued to peruse the contents of the Necronomicon. There were all manner of summoning rituals for eldritch abominations, spells to twist mens minds, teleport others to dimensions where physics simply weren't and bind arcane horrors to his service, but to do any of this Xander surmised he would need a contract with one or more powerful entities that would allow him to safely handle such things.

A knock came from the door and Xander called. "Its open!"

Belldandy entered carrying a tea tray followed by Urd. The two looked around, the Elder Norn more so than the younger who was busying herself with serving drinks, "Nice place you got here sugar," Urd said after a moment, Urd took a seat on the 60's era sofa that wasn't in front of his desk just moments ago. "So, what did you wanna talk about?"

"Some of the admittedly fucked up stuff in this book says I can't use it without proper backing from an otherworldly patron," Xander flipped the book around and showed it to Urd.

The goddess quickly scanned the page in question "Ah, the Lemuria Impact spell, infinite heat and pressure condensed into a single point. Yes, you'll definitely need a patron for that. Am I to assume that's why you asked for me? Did you want me to to grant you my patronage?"

Xander stroked his chin in thought. "Well, that's actually not a bad idea now that you bring it up, but no. Originally I was wondering if Belldandy counted as a patron due to the contract we already have established."

"I could quite easily," Belldandy affirmed. "But Urd is far stronger in the ancient ways of magic than I, as they were most prominent in the past which is her domain."

Xander nodded while sipping his peppermint tea, "Urd, would you be willing to patron me?"

"But of course sugar," The dusky -skinned norn replied easily before adding mischievously, "But… I have an alternative, better idea if your interested?"

"What is it? It isn't like your idea to get rid of Bell's cold is it? Cause we all know how that turned out," Xander let out a cough that sounded distinctly like Shoggoth.

Urd crossed her arms. "It isn't anything like that," she defended. "I just figured instead of making a pack with two of us, why not all three?"

"So… and correct me if I've got this wrong, you want me to take the Norns as a whole as my patrons instead of just one of you?"

"Got it in one darling," Urd replied sliding her hair behind her ear while she smiled. "You've got Belldandy under contract already so really your one third of the way done, so it makes more sense to take all three of us on rather than just her or me and leave poor Skuld out in the cold. Don't you think?"

Xander silently kept sipping at his drink. "Before I say yay or nay to this, what kind of person is Skuld? Cause if she's gonna be more trouble than she's worth… well…"

"She's a little brainiac," Urd complimented her youngest sister in her own way. "While she isn't the best at using her magic she can build anything she sets her mind to, which in a way, is her magic."

Xander was confused. "It is?"

"Skuld's magic and domain is the advancement of time Alexander. It is the future, and all the technological marvels that may come from the advancement of humanity. Whereas Urd chronicles what was, and I know what is, Skuld creates what could be. In truth, she is the strongest of us; as the future is always as of yet unwritten." Belldandy explained.

"But her power is held back by her youth and inexperience," Urd added. "Once she matures a bit she'll probably surpass me… and don't you ever tell her I said that."

"I won't, I won't," Xander promised. "Still patronage by the Norns… sounds kinda heavy when you think about it."

"Not really," Urd told him. "We may grant you specific powers or spells but that's about it," She held her hand out for him to take. "So, what do you say Alexander Lavelle Harris Solomon Constantine? Do you accept the patronage of the Norn in its totality?"

The one-eyed magician hesitated only for a moment. He took Urds hand and shook it, "What the hell, why not?"

The bargain was struck and the die was cast. Urd could feel the power racing up her arm and through her very body. It was coming from Xander himself. 'Dear sweet Hecate, where is all of this coming from?!' She thought to herself.

"Oh my, oh my how strong you are!" World of Elegance all but purred. Appearing out of thin air behind her mistress and smiling at Xander hungirly.

"He is… quite something indeed," Holy Bell agreed appearing behind Belldandy and giving Xander a sweet smile of her own.

Xander gave the angels a little wave, "Hi you two. Doing alright?"

"We're just aquiver with energy dear," World of Elegance said, "The pact you just made woke us up with a jolt."

Xander blinked his one good eye. "Is that… that's not supposed to happen, is it?"

"No, it's not," Urd said. "You have a lot of anima… magical energy. So much so its giving our angels the equivalent of an energy drink."

"I'm sorry?" Xander replied unsure how to feel about this.

"It's not your fault Alexander it's just… you have quite the pedigree. You have the the mixed heritage of a succubi, the Babylonian Sun God Nergal, the blood of the Great Old One Dagon, and the primal remnants of a Hyena in your veins," Belldandy surmised remembering what she read from his report.

"Goddess say what now?" Xander said in a deadpan flat tone.

"Yes, you have somehow accumulated a lot of power through inheritance of blood," Belldandy noted.

"That's weird," Urd noted. "Were you ever possessed, or injected with strange substances in your lifetime?"

"Urd," Xander deadpanned, "I lived in Sunnydale! It was a town situated on top of a portal to hell!" The young man was pulling no punches. "I've been possessed at least twice, been injected with steroids that would've turned me into a fishman, and been covered in every single manner of goop, slime, vampire dust, and ectoplasm that you can imagine. If it bleeds its bled on me, if it can dust, I've dusted it and if it goes splat after you kill it, its splattered all over me."

"That could certainly explain a lot," Urd said, "You could've gotten the blood from any number of sources. Gaining power by right of conquest is one of the oldest magics there is. Or it is possible you gained favor with any of these beings of power for slaying or help slay a mighty foe."

"Well, I did help kill my towns mayor when he ascended to an Old One."

Both Urd and Belldandy looked at him in surprise, "Really now? How exactly? Be specific."

Xander explained how he disarmed a bomb earlier that day but left the explosives in the school due to general forgetfulness and trying to prepare everyone for the Mayor becoming a giant ass snake. In the end, it was those very same explosives that did him in as he collapsed on the highschool and caused the bomb to explode taking him, and the damned highschool out with him.

"You defeated an Old One," Urd said, sounding impressed.

"I helped," Xander corrected,"Buffy and everyone else did most of the work.

"Yes but it was your contribution earlier even unknowingly that put him down for good. To put it in more modern terms, you scored the killing blow, you got the exp for the kill," Urd replied letting her geek flag fly for a moment.

"Oh, so that's how it works," Xander nodded. He could understand video game logic. He and Jessie used to play them a lot before his death and all the slayage made his playstation just a thing that took up space in his room.

"Yes, that's how it works. That's also probably how you've got the eyes of at least a couple higher beings on you. Take out an Old One with modern explosives? That's sure to get you noticed. I'm honestly surprised no one has come seeking you out before now."

"Do you think?" Belldandy began.

"That the Powers That Be are preventing this from happening? Likely," Urd commented.

"Goodguys middle managment fucking with my life again?" Xander said to himself.

Urd crossed her legs. "Seems that way sugar. They don't want you living up to your full potential it seems," Urd smirked like a cat. "How pissed do you think they're gonna be once they find out you've contracted with us?"

"Probably very, I just hope they don't take it out on Kendra and Jessie," Xander said mostly to himself.

"You could go talk to them yourself you know?" Urd told him. "Politely remind them why Constantines aren't the type to be messed with?"

Xander tapped out a rhythm on his desk. Belldandy knew enough by now to know that was a sign Xander was considering the idea. Finally, he smiled. "You know, that's not a bad idea Urd. Let's go pay Heaven a visit."

At the moment Jessie and Kendra were being chewed out by their bosses.

"How could you let this happen?!" Elder Odin roared at the two whitelighters. "You were supposed to stop him from getting close to the Charmed Ones not go along with it!""

"Um, sir if Ah may…" Kendra began.

"No, you may not, Kendra Young!" Odin thundered. "You two have failed, utterly in your duties."

"Elder Odin, calm yourself," Leo said firmly.

A voice called out from the far end of the white marble and gold encrusted chamber, "Yeah old timer, you should really calm down before your ticker gives out." Everyone, Jesse and Kendra in particular were surprised to see Xander walking up to the group as he exudes a sense of power almost like the sun rising, having just orbed into the room. Belldandy, and Urd flanking him on either side. Walking past his whitelighters Xander fixed his stern gaze on the row of Elders before he settled his single eye on Leo Wyatt. "Well, you wanted my attention… You've got it."

"What… what are you doing here?" Leo asked at last. "The guards…"

"Aren't nearly strong enough to stop one of the Norn much less two," Xander easily brushed off. "Now, I'll ask one more time. What do you want with me? As it seems to me you all have been quite content to fuck with my life for your own amusement for awhile now. You are the Powers That Be correct?"

The Elders all shifted uncomfortably, and Leo looked down guiltily, "I… wasn't an Elder when that was being done."

"No, but I've got a different set of bones to pick with you pal, so just wait in line," Xander verbally sniped the newly minted Elder before he told the others. "As for the rest of you, I'm only gonna say this once. Stop fucking with my life."

"We can't," Elder Sandra said "We'd like to but we can't."

Xander sighed. "With all do respect why the hell not ma'am?" Xander may be pissed but that was no reason to be rude to a lady.

"You are… how do I put this… as a Constantine, your very existence puts the balance between good and evil at risk. You casually break prophecies, destroy evils and Champions wantonly and don't ever think about the long term effects of your actions! You are like a rock being thrown into a serene pond, your every action sends out a rippling effect and it makes it harder and harder to fix for us."

The young man took a moment to digest all of that, then nodded. "So… long story short you don't like me messing with your toys. Aka the Charmed Ones."

"They are people, not things," Leo defended with some heat in his tone.

Alexander scoffed. "That's funny coming from you Mr. I knocked one of them up and then six months after the kid was born I fucked off to be an Elder. Yeah, I know all about you Leo Wyatt. You ain't winning any Father of the Year Awards from me, or Piper, anytime soon."

Leo sat there mouth agape, rendered speechless at the 'this is why you suck speech' the young man had just delivered. He wanted to refute him, to say being an Elder was important, but he knew such answers were flimsy at best. He'd abandoned his wife and child and no amount of excuses were going to change that. So instead he asked, "How is Piper doing?"

"Just fine, she met someone recently and she seems to finally be moving on from you. So hey Leo you get to devote yourself to the Elder thing full time with no worries dude," Xander said in faux-cheer.

"Uh, dude, could you like, not piss off our bosses please? We'd like to keep our jobs," Jessie commented.

"Oh right, Jessie and Kendra you're still here and not very realistic cakes."

"Why would we be very realistic cakes?" Kendra asked confused.

"Have you ever seen some of the shit they make on Cake Boss?" Xander answered her question with a question, when the ex-Slayer shook her head Xander turned to Jessie, "What have you been doing with her all this time? Clearly you have not been educating her properly?!"

"Well excuse me all to hell for not having time to watch television while up in Heaven," Jessie raved.

"You are not excused! You are not excused sir! This is a violation of Bro Code subsection C-7." Xander retorted hotly.

"The fuck are you talking about bro?"

"Bro Code subsection C-7 clearly states "When you have a chance to show off for an attractive girl you aren't related to, you do it… every time… always… This may or may not include the consumption of various alcoholic beverages to induce the 'liquid courage' effect."

Jessie slapped his forehead in realization, "Shit… your right. Damnit!"

"You haven't been showing off for us sugar," Urd noted.

To which Xander retorted, "I came up with a tactically sound plan to defeat a hundred knight class demons in under a minute, and before that killed a damn Shoggoth. How is that not showing off?"

"Point," Urd noted. "So was you messing up the summoning of the Balrog also you showing off?"

Xander shook his head. "No, that was me being tidilating. When I get it right, its tactile, when I invitabely fuck up, its tidilating. See?"

"I don't know, I think you handled the entire situation rather well Alexander," Belldandy complimented.

"Thank you Bell," Xander replied before turning back to the Elders, some of whom looked annoyed at being ignored, and some looked amused at the conversation that had just taken place. "Now… uh, what was I talking about? I forget."

"I do believe you were chewing out Elder Leo for abandoning his family to take up his post as an Elder?" Elder Sasha commented.

"Yes, thank you ma'am," Xander replied with a nod before he fixed his good eye back on Leo. "You… I'm basically done with. You made your bed, now lie in it." He swept his eye down the row of Elders. "As for the rest of you, I dunno why your so scared of me hanging out with the Charmed Ones," He raised both a finger and his voice when several of them started to protest, "But know this! I have no intention to stop! Seriously one of you and I do mean one, explain why you want me to leave them alone."

All the other Elders looked to Elder Sasha who seemed to easily build up a rapport with the young man. The older woman sighed. "Oh very well. If you do as we think you are intending then the Charmed Ones, all four of them will no longer be beholden to what is known as the Threefold Rule."

"Urd, threefold rule?" Xander asked without taking his gaze off the Elders.

The Norn was quick to reply. "The Threefold Rule is a rule that states what you do with magic will be reflected back unto you threefold. If you primarily use your powers for the benefit of others and not yourself, then you are a white witch. If you use your powers solely for your own benefit then you're a dark witch."

Xander thought back to Willow once again, and how her misuse of magic led her to almost destroying the world. "And this rule not being in place for the Charmed Ones would mean what exactly?"

"That they would no longer be Champions of the Light. They would be insanely powerful witches not under the thumb of Good or Evil, but unaligned."

Xander smiled mischievously at the wincing Elder Council. "Oh, now I get it, you don't want witches as powerful as the Charmed Ones out from under your thumb. Those three… excuse me, four able to use there powers anyway they see fit, to help themselves and others and at their own discretion? It must terrify you."

"Please," Sandra begged, "Do not do this! If the Charmed Ones were to go uninhibited, who knows what could happen?"

"You mean if they had actual freewill, like I do?" Xander retorted. He held out his hands, and sighed, "Look guys I get it okay? I've seen what happens when good magic users go bad, and use magic for every little thing… my BFF almost destroyed the friggin world because of that."

The Elders shared a concerned look, causing Xander to roll his eye. "Relax, she got better obviously or none of us would still be here. Anyway, the point is, I know where you're coming from… but I still think your wrong."

"How so pray tell?" Elder Sandra asked.

"They're house has been blown up how many times? And they've been forbidden to fix it with magic because that would be self serving apparently? Also they can't modify the memories of others to forget the crazy shit they've seen around them because once again, that's supposedly selfish. For people who are supposed to be helping the good guys fight the good fight, you sure do have a lot of rules that end up screwing them over."

The Elders looked like children who had just been chastised by their mother for doing something naughty. Xander just shook his head, "So yeah, I'm doing this, cause if anyone deserves a break, it's them. Try and stop me, or if I find out your getting in my way in the future and I'll crap on you from such a height, you'll think God himself is shitting on you." Xander turned to his whitelighters, "We're done here let's go."

Belldandy smiled. "Of course," She then politely bowed to the Elders. "It was nice meeting you."

The entire group disappeared in a gust of wind.

Once they were gone Elder Sandra said, "Well, this could've gone better."

"An understatement," Elder Odin replied through clenched teeth. "Who does he think he is? Coming in here and threatening us?"

"He's a Constantine wearing Solomon's Ring and wielding his Staff," Leo pointed out. Surprising the other Elders. "What did none of you notice? Yes, he's far more dangerous than your average Constantine."

"The King of Magic…" Elder Scipio said in a tone filled with both reverence and fear. "Master and Commander of the Heavenly Host and Legions of Hell."

"So when he said he could make our lives difficult…" Another Elder said.

"He wasn't kidding," Leo said, "What are we to do about him?"

"Might I suggest leaving him to us?" A prideful powerful feminine voice asked stepping out of the shadows.

The Elders eyes widened when they beheld two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

"The Enforcers of the Charred Council, here?" Leo noted. "Is it because of the Constantine binding the Goddess Belldandy?"

"It is," War affirmed adding, "He's also interfered in several important prophecies over the years and has annoyed the Charred Council for the last time."

Leo nodded. "Understandable, well he did tell us not to interfere in his life anymore and warning him of your coming could be seen as interference. So we shall say nothing."

Elder Sasha frowned. "This is underhanded and you know it Elder Leo. Perhaps you just don't like the idea of Piper Halliwell moving on in her life?"

"Don't… don't be ridiculous Elder Sasha, this is all only for the Greater Good," Leo denied, yet the slight hesitancy in his answer said otherwise.

"Regardless of what you think, the will of the Charred Council must be carried out," War replied in his stern monotone.

Fury nodded. "Indeed, so any information you can provide us on our quarry will be helpful, and your cooperation shall be mentioned to the Charred Council in our report."

"At the nearby graveyard at midnight tonight," Leo said, "He seeks to resurrect the fallen Charmed One Prudence Halliwell."

"Perfect place for an ambush, and if we wait till he does the spell…" War said.

"He'll be weakened and easy prey, I do agree. Come brother, let us depart."

Elder Odin called out, "Just a moment please!" The Nephilim stopped in their tracks, prompting the Elder to continue. "If it is at all possible that you could kill him before he completes the ressurection ritual? We would be grateful. For in doing so, he would tip the balance between good and evil more than he already has."

The two horsemen looked at one another and Fury replied for the two of them, "We'll do what we can, but we cannot promise anything."

"That… is all we can really hope for. Thank you Horsemen, and good hunting."

With that the two Riders of the Apocalypse disappeared without a trace.

Sasha shook her head in disappointment. "This isn't right, this isn't right at all and we all know it," She said before she got up and left the chamber.

When they arrived back in the House of Mystery, Xander was greeted by Rias and Shantae and the Halliwell girls who were sitting on the couch.

"Master, did you go somewhere?" Shantae asked concerned.

Xander nodded, "Had a chat with the Elders. Leo sends his regards Piper and says the alimony must be lost in the mail somewhere."

"I hope you told him to fuck off for me," Piper said sharply.

Xander looked into the kitchen where Dean was having a beer with Sam as he attempted to feed Wyatt in a highchair. "Yeah something along those lines."

"Good, now what's this I'm hearing about bringing my sister back from the dead?" Piper all but demanded.

"Hold that thought please, I see a mess in the making going on in my kitchen," Xander said smiling at little as he walked in on a humorous scene.

"Vroom! Open up for the Impala kiddo!" Dean said, guiding a small spoon of what looked to be mashed carrots towards Wyatts mouth only for Wyatt to slap it away.

"Atta boy, Champ, never let em near your face. Keep your left up, always," Dean said nodding sharply at the toddler who nodded back and smiled.

Xander shook his head, "You know, he's getting more on the floor than in his mouth right?"

Dean sent Xander a nod, "Sup, one-eyed Willie?"

Xander gave as good as he got,"Not much Mr. Mom, how goes feeding time?"

"Champ's a tough son of a gun, but I'm wearing him down, I think," Dean commented.

Xander leaned down till he was at eye-level with the Whitelighter-witch hybrid and said, "Your making a mess on my floor Wyatt. That's not very nice now is it?" The Toddler shook his head. "Good, now are you going to stop fooling around with Papa Dean and eat your food so you can grow up big and strong like him?"

"Ba," The Toddler said before nodding.

Xander smiled and rubbed the young boys head. "Good boy," He turned to Dean, "You should be good to go now."

"What the…" Dean looked at Xander. "How'd you do that?"

"Dude, the kid is smart enough to tell the good guys from the bad guys. Give him some credit and treat him like a small adult. It's not that hard… and when I say treat him like a small adult, I don't mean give him beer."

"I know that smartass…" Dean said with a scowl as Xander left the room. "Give him beer… if anything I'd only give you whiskey Champ, and only when your teething."

"Dean!" Sam protested. "You can't give whiskey to a toddler."

"What, it's what Dad did for us and we turned out fine," The elder Winchester defended.

Xander shook his head. 'That kids going to have an interesting life growing up,' He thought as he walked back into the room. Standing before the Charmed Ones once again he clapped his hands together and said, "Now, where were we?"

"You were about to explain exactly what the heck your trying to do?" Piper said her temper clearly reaching its limits as indicated by her tone.

The One Who Sees held out his hands placatingly, "Alright, alright, no need to blow me to bits."

"Then get talking," Piper demanded.

"Fine, it goes like this." Xander gave the girls a rundown on how the sacrifice of Osirius worked once he was finished, he said, "Any questions?"

Paige went first. "It sounds dangerous are you sure you want to do this?"

Xander smiled, "I'll be fine, what's a few puked snakes and lightning bolts between friends right? Plus, I kinda need you three to be there though because the more people who knew her when she was alive, the better, and I dunno why, but I've had the strangest feeling I've been watched for days now."

Phoebe frowned, "Is it just you being paranoid or…?"

Xander shrugged. "I dunno. At first I thought it was that Crowley guy, but the feeling hasn't gone away, and if there's one thing I've learned living on a portal to hell for most of my life, it's this. If you get a gut feeling something is wrong, that likely means that something, somewhere is going wrong. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, but soon it'll show up to screw you over."

"Cosmic awareness," Urd noted, "You have cosmic awareness."

"Is that like a passive power like we have?" Phoebe asked.

The Norn of the Past nodded, "Yes, just like how you have passive and active powers, so too does Xander. Cosmic Awareness is the ability to feel what is going on around oneself in the universe, sometimes the multiverse. Especially if it is a dangerous large scale event."

"So I have a vague danger detector in my head? Should I just bite the bullet and change my name to Spider-Man already?"

That earned him some laughs, but then the topic turned serious as Urd continued, "But if you've been feeling this for days and even after Crowley was sent packing… could be a lot of things really. Cosmic Awareness is… vague."

"So to recap, we don't know what it is, who it is, or why they're coming after me. Just that they are cause reasons?" Xander noted. "Well, this is a useless ability."

"Hey, at least your not empathic," Phoebe told him.

"True, true,"Xander said as he lit one of his shitty taiwanese cigarettes. Seeing the mournful look Belldandy was giving him he said, "Look Bell, I've had a couple of very stressful days. I'd like to relax a bit and this is the only way I can think to do it. Unless someone is going to offer sex?" He looked around and saw everyone blushing and looking away. Urd opened her mouth only for Belldandy to cover her mouth. "Yeah didn't think so."

"Milord, would you like me to stick around until the ritual is completed?" Rias asked.

Xander took a long slow drag off his cigarette and blew out a stream of smoke before he replied. "You can if you like, I'd hate to be an inconvenience to you Rias."

The redheaded demoness shook her head and her hands. "No,no, no! It's no trouble. Besides if you've got a feeling your being stalked… some extra firepower might come in handy."

Xander couldn't disagree with that. "True. Having a walking nuke on my side isn't a bad idea."

"Your words are too kind milord. My brother is much stronger than I."

Xander just shook his head and smiled. "You shouldn't use your brother as a measuring scale Rias. Sirzechs… Sirzechs is a monster. I mean that in the nicest way possible but also in a way that he has transcended normal Devils. To not call him 'human' anymore wouldn't be an understatement. For he has transcended what it means to be mortal and is… trying to step onto the same stage as the Divine… He may or may not succeed. Only time will tell."

"Onii-san…" Rias said in an awed tone before she nodded. "I understand Xander-san I will still try my hardest but… I am not my brother."

"There's a good girl," Xander said with a smile as he patted her head making Rias blush a little.

"So…" Paige said, "What do we do now?"

Xander looked at a nearby clock. It read 5:30pm. "Well, we've still got plenty of time before I can do the ritual, I suggest we all just relax for now. We'll meet up here about twenty minutes before midnight."

"Isn't that cutting it kinda close?" Piper asked nervously.

"Orchid," Xander called, causing the humanoid form of the House of Mystery to manifest in front of him, "Yes Alexander?"

The cyclops inquired, "You can pop up anywhere right? Including the entrance to the local graveyard?"

Orchid nodded, "I can."

Xander crossed his arms and smirked, "Any other questions?"

"Yes, when dinner in this place?" Linda asked coming down the stairs. "I'm starving."

"Uhh… let's see what we got in the kitchen," Xander replied before he walked away with Belldandy on his heels.

Xander opened the cupboards and found them stocked with everything imaginable. "I love this house," He said once again.

"I am fond of you as well Alexander," Orchid called from the living room this caused the others to laugh.

"Okay so uh… what should I cook?" Xander asked himself.

"Please leave it to me," Belldandy said with her usual serene smile on her face.

Xander turned to her and frowned. "Are you sure? It doesn't feel right having you do all the…" Xander was cut off when Dean put a hand over his mouth.

"No problem sweetheart we'll just get outta your way shall we? C'mon Champ, Sammy. Let's leave the lady to her domain," Dean picked up Wyatt with one hand and frog marched Xander out of the room with the other.

Once they were out of the kitchen he let Xander go and the one-eyed sorcerer turned to Dean and said, "Okay, you'd better have a damn good reason for that."

"You bet your ass I do! If you start cooking, your gonna make the rest of us look bad when the girls around here expect us to start doing it and we suck at it!" Dean reprimanded his junior in the ways of the Man Code.

"Speak for yourself Dean. Unlike you, I know how to cook," Sam said.

"Since when?" Dean wondered.

"Since one can't live off ramen noodle cups alone when going to law school," Sammy replied dryly.

"Yeah, well not all of us are Wolfgang Puck," Dean grumbled, as he walked into the living room with Wyatt in his arms.

The two hunters stared at each other for a moment. "So… you gonna go back in there?" Sam asked after a moment.

Xander poked his head through the doorway, it certainly looked like Belldandy had everything in hand without him. She was all but gliding around the room taking down pots and pans from the island, lighting the stove, put up the mahi and swordfish for later and starting to boil… something delicious.

"Nah, she looks like she has it all in hand… but just to be sure," Xander said to himself. "Bell, you need some help in there?"

"I've got it handled but if you want to help me, I wouldn't mind. Cooking is always more fun with other people, I think."

Xander nodded, "I'm going in."

"Good luck brother."

The Constantine rolled his eye, "It's a kitchen, not a warzone Sam."

Sam shrugged, "At times, is there a difference?"

"Point," Xander said before rolling up the sleeves of his coat and marching into the room.

"So," Xander said looking into a pot that had some form of seafood boiling in it along with potatoes and corn. "What have we got cooking here?"

"Well, I thought I'd try appealing to everyone's taste on some level so I decided to do a crawfish broil. That pot there, has about twelve pounds of crawfish, potatoes, corn and sausage in it."

"And you found all of that just sitting in the fridge?" Xander replied, sounding amazed.

"Yes, this house really is amazing, we won't ever need to go grocery shopping I think," Belldandy said happily.

"I aim to please Belldandy of the Norn," Orchid said, accepting the compliment.

Xander didn't disagree and decided to ask, "So, when will it be done do you think?"

"I'd say about ten to fifteen minutes, this doesn't take all that long to cook," Belldandy told him.

Xander went to the door and let out a shrill whistle. "Dinner in ten everyone!"

"What're we eatin'?" Dean called back.

"Whatever Belldandy cooked!" Xander shot back.

"... Fair enough!" Dean said before falling silent.

The long kitchen table was mysteriously covered in newspaper and a small mountain of crawfish, potatoes, corn on the cob, and sausage. The smell caused everyone's mouths to water, but Dean looked confused.

"Okay so how do we eat these things… Ouch hot!" He said dropping a crawfish.

"Never had crawfish before big boy?" Piper said with a smirk on her face.

Dean shook his head. "No, we… moved around a lot when we were younger Firecracker. Me and Sammy are more burger and fry kinda guys."

Piper nodded sympathetically, "Well it's real simple twist the tail pull, then bend the tail to get the meat out."

"Don't forget to suck on the head," Phoebe said, "That's where all the nutrients are. Brain food you know?"

"Are they fucking with us or…?" Dean asked Sam.

"I… don't know…" Sam replied.

Xander did a quick headcount and noticed someone was missing. "Where's Castiel?"

Kevin piped up, "He said he needed to go take care of something and that he'd be back later."

Xander frowned but nodded, "Well in that case move a portion aside and save it for him."

Urd did as he asked and noticing Xanders continued frown she asked, "What's wrong sugar?"

Locking eyes with her, Xander replied, "That bad feeling, just got worse."

Castiel walked through the graveyard searching for the threats to Solomon's Heir. 'I swore an oath, I should do my best to uphold it.' He called into the oncoming sunset, "Come out, I know your there, I can feel you just like you can me… Horsemen!"

Fury and War walked out from behind some particularly tall headstones. "Well, well, has the Constantine sent his pet angel to parlay with us?" Fury wondered aloud.

"Sister," War rumbled, "There is no reason to disrespect a fellow warrior, enemy or no."

Fury sighed, she sometimes forgot how infuriatingly honorable her brother could be. "Regardless, he stands between us and our prey brother."

A silver angel blade appeared in Castiel's hand, "I'd prefer we talk about this peacefully."

Fury laughed as she unwound Scorn and cracked her whip through the air, "I'm sure you would, but the Charred Council has ordained the boy is to die."

"Why though? The apocalypse has already been averted by the Winchester Brothers. Why are they acting now, and because of him?" Castiel pressed, "What's really going on here?"

War silently digested his words, seemingly sensing something was amiss, but Fury cared not for his rhetoric, instead leaping forward, her whip lash a blazing snake as it flashed through the air. Castiel, knowing he was no match physically for any Nephilim ducked, bobbed and weaved through her torrent of blows, using the headstones as temporary cover to dodge even for a few nanoseconds being cleaved into by the serrated whip that was Scorn.

"Stop, running!" Fury being true to her name, becoming angrier by the second. "You call yourself a warrior of the Creator yet all I see before me is a terrified little mouse!"

Castiel ducked behind a tree only for Fury to lash out at it. Scorn cleaved into the bark like a hot knife through butter, and it was then that the angel struck. Stabbing his angel blade into the flesh of the tree, and getting it, and Scorn stuck there. He then charged the Nephilim down producing another angel blade out of his left sleeve as he did so.

With her weapon of choice stuck, Fury was forced on the backstep, defending with only her clawed gauntlet. 'This angel, he's forcing me, 'me' back? Inconceivable!'

Fury soon found herself pressed up against the side of a mausoleum and using both hands to prevent the angel blade from piercing her heart. 'Where… is this strength coming from?' Fury thought to herself. 'I should be leagues stronger than him, but…'

Suddenly the angel was hoisted up by the scruff of his collar and turned to look right into the face of War. "That's enough," was the only thing War had to say.

"Brother… you shouldn't have interfered," Fury said.

"Had I not we would be short a Horseman," War replied, before turning to Castiel, whom he still held in his grip, missing the look of wrath on his sisters face. "As for you, what do you seek to accomplish here? Coming alone as you have?"

"I had to try," Castiel said. "Your wrong about him you know? Xander is… not like other Constantines."

"It doesn't matter what you say, you've chosen your side." Fury said preparing to carve him up with Scorn.

"Hehehe, I wouldn't do that if I were you," The voice of a young girl called.

The two Nehpilim and angel looked over to see Delirium of the endless sitting in the half cut down tree, swinging her feet from one of the branches.

"Old One," War said, tilting his head respectfully, "To what do we owe the honor of your presence?"

"Presence? Presents!" Delirium said and a wrapped package appeared at War and Fury's feet. After a moment when no one moved, Delerium pouted and her hair turned black and violet as she said, "Well, aren't you going to open it?"

War drew chaoseater and deftly did just that with a few flicks of his weapon, carving open the box… and from within rose Death herself. She looked less than pleased to be here and glanced back at her sibling, "Delirium dear, a bit of warning next time please?"

"Okie dokie!" Delirium said before she flipped backwards and fell from the tree only to land on a trampoline and bounce off it, landing right in front of the group.

"Nice landing," Death said amused, before she turned to the Nephilim and frowned. "Put him down, now."

War promptly dropped Castiel, and gave Death of the Endless a nod of respect, "Old One,"

"Save it," Death said promptly. "Your going to leave Xander alone, yeah? He doesn't need you lot messing with him."

"But the Council…" War complained.

Death pointed to herself and smiled. "You let me, worry about the Council big guy. They aren't as big and bad as all that anyway. Now, how about you run along home, I have to go have a word with your bosses yeh?"

"Oh,oh, can I come too sis?" Delerium asked, while giggling, "I wanna give em what for too. Xander was nice to me."

Death ruffled her sisters hair, which turned bright pink on contact. "Sure kiddo. Xander's a good guy huh?"

"He's a sexier Nick Fury," Delirium said with a slightly lecherous grin on her face.

"Careful sister, remember the Laws," Death told her little sister.

Deliriums eyes both turned green and she spoke with unusual clarity, "I remember the Ancient Laws perfectly well Sister. Perhaps it is you who needs reminding hmm?" Then both eyes turned different colors, one blue, the other an amber yellow, and Delirium grabbed her head, "That ouch."

Death took a knee and ran a hand through her sisters hair, asking worriedly, "Delirium, are you okay?"

"Yep, yep, my brain just kinda went whoosh for a second. I'm fine as sunshine on a new dime. Hehehehe. Did that rhyme?" Delirium asked.

"Yes it did," Death said with a nod. "Ready to go yell at some rock people?"

"Rock people? Rock candy!" Delirium cried reaching into her pocket and flinging rock candy everywhere before her outfit suddenly changed to a green jumpsuit with orange leg warmers as she carried on, "Rock Lee!" Then she turned into her usual outfit complete with Kiss face makeup, long black hair, and a guitar and a very long tongue as she said, "Rock 'n' Roll!"

"I see you're as excited to tell them off as I am," Death noted as Delirium continuously slammed her guitar on the ground, destroying it.

"United States of Smash!" Delirium roared, smashing her guitar on the ground and kicking up a huge whirlwind in the process.

When the gust cleared both of the Endless were gone.

"That was… strange," Castiel said once the two had left the scene.

"That was the Endless. They were here in the beginning, and they shall be here till the end." War stated, looking down at the angel who had yet to pick himself up off the floor. "It appears you were correct. He is more than just a Constantine. He must be if he has two of the Endless looking out for him."

"Are we really going to defy the council just because they said they would talk to them?" Fury asked.

"You're a fool," Castiel said bluntly. "No one, not even the Charred Council is willing to cross the Endless. It would be like trying to stop a force of nature. Something as natural as breathing for humans."

"Humans, why is it always humans? What does everyone see in them? They are just hairless apes," Fury fumed.

Castiel picked himself up off the ground as he replied, "An angel asked the same question once, and thought with the same tone of superiority you do now, and I think you know what happened to him," Castiel said in answer.

"I am no Lucifer," Fury retorted.

Castiel raised an eyebrow as he looked at her. "You could've fooled me Horseman."

Fury moved forward to lash out with Scorn once again, only to be stopped by her younger brother who put Chaoseater in between her and the infernal angel. "That is enough. We have been warned once to leave the angel be. Best we take our leave before we earn their ire."

Fury clenched the handle of Scorn so hard, her knuckles turned white. "Another time, angel another time. I promise you."

"I'll be ready," Castiel promised her before disappearing in a rush of wings.

Castiel noted he couldn't appear inside the House of Mystery just outside of its current location. 'I'll have to ask Xander about that,' The angel thought to himself as he made his way inside.

"Cass, there you are," Xander greeted when the angel walked in through the front door. "We just finished dinner but we saved you some, where'd you go man?" Xander said motioning to the small mound of food on top of a plate.

Taking a seat at the table and saying a simple prayer, Castiel replied, "I went to the graveyard, I felt the presence of a Nephilim nearby and decided to investigate.

Urd, Dean, Sam, and Xander who were playing poker, all stopped and stared at the angel. "You sensed a Nephilim nearby and didn't tell us why?" Dean asked.

"Aren't Nephilim the sons of angels and humans in the Old Testament?" Sam asked.

"Yes, and no," Castiel replied. "The nephilim as you know them are, were that. The Nephilim I speak of are something far older and more insidious."

"How?" Xander asked as the Winchester brothers shared a look.

Castiel continued, "They were created long ago by the mixing of angelic and demonic essence, and possessed the worst traits of both species. The savagery and brutality of demons with the superiority and devotion to a cause an angel would possess."

"Shit… why aren't they around anymore?" Sam asked.

"Because four of them turned on their fellows when they tried to take Eden, which was meant as a paradise for Mankind. These Four, became known as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."

"We already took care of them Cas," Dean noted.

The angel shook his head. "You took care of the Four Horsemen who don't serve the Charred Council, the keepers of the balance throughout creation."

So… what? These guys are even more OP then the War, Death, Pestilence and Famine we've already ganked?" Dean asked.

"OP?" Castiel asked.

"Overpowered," Sam replied for his brother, "And are they?"

"Yes and no." Castiel replied. "In terms of raw physical might, they are stronger than the Four Horsemen you have already faced, or anything you've ever faced before. They could tear through every demon, every angel, and every monster you two have ever fought and not even blink. The only beings I think could even stand a chance against them are the Archangels."

"They wanted me, didn't they?" Xander asked. "I recall Urd mentioning them shortly after she first arrived."

Castiel nodded. "They were. By not only binding a goddess to you while on earth, but also attempting to free the Charmed Ones from the side of good…"

Xander interrupted, "Wait how do you even know about that? You weren't there."

"Telepathic link due to the binding. Since you went into a heavenly sphere of influence I was notified of what went on. Had things turned violent, I would've intervened."

"I wasn't," Rias called from the living room enjoying some after dinner tea and biscuits that Belldandy made. "But I bet if you somehow ended up in a hell dimension, I bet I'd know where you were."

Xander glared down at the Ring, "This thing really needs an instruction manual." He said to Castiel, "You said they were after me, what changed?"

"Teleute and Mania showed up," Cas replied.

"Oh my," Belldandy replied as she handed Castiel a cup of tea. "You don't say?"

"Indeed."

"Seriously, who are those two girls anyway?" Xander asked. "Your both making them out to be a big deal and from what I've seen of Mania, they are a big deal, but what are they?"

Belldandy sadly shook her head. "I'm sorry Xander, but I… we," she added Castiel into that statement, "Can't tell you that."

"Can't? On whose order?" Xander asked.

"The Creator," Cas replied. "We are forbidden to speak of them directly. Only they can directly reveal themselves or their nature to a mortal."

"God? Why is Belldandy beholden to the Abrihamic God?" asked Xander with honest confusion in his tone.

Belldandy shook her head. "No, not God, or any one God, but the Creator Xander. The Creator of all the gods… of all the pantheons."

It was a good thing he was sitting down at the moment because if he'd been standing, he might've fallen over. Everyone was silent for a moment until Dean finally asked, "So… there's a Super God out there somewhere?"

"Yes," Castiel replied.

"And this… Creator, he just… created all the deities… then fucked off to… who knows where?" Sam asked.

"As far as any of us know yes. Supposedly the Creator supported free will above all else," Belldandy said nodding.

Dean shook his head and grabbed his nearby beer. "And you thought Dad was bad Sammy."

"Has anyone ever… tried to find him?" Sam asked, ignoring his brother's comment.

Belldandy smiled and clapped her hands. "Oh yes, once I no longer needed looking after, my mentor Menoth the Lawgiver led a holy crusade to find the Creator."

"And subjugate any world he came across, that didn't fit his criteria of Law and Order Bell, you always forget that part," Urd added.

"He really does mean well, you know that Urd," Belldandy defended her mentor.

Urd shot her younger sister a deadpan look, "Belldandy dear, his followers burn people they don't like… with flamethrowers."

"He sounds like Caligula," Xander said, mostly to himself.

"He really isn't that bad," Belldandy defended, a breeze sweeping through the room showing she was getting agitated.

"Okay, okay, we believe you," Xander placated, reaching out and taking Belldandy's hand comfortingly. "Menoth might not be bad, but his followers might be completely misinterpreting his commands. Fair enough?"

The breeze died down as Belldandy smiled upon receiving Xander's touch. "Yes, I suppose that's possible."

"Thou shalt purge those who oppose the Given Law in Holy Fire. Kinda hard to misinterpret that," Urd commented offhandedly only for her to fall silent under Xander's single-eyed glare.

"Anyway," Xander said after he got Urd to drop the current subject. "What now?"

"Now, we wait," Piper said.

Xander was fine with that. "Umm, don't you girls have a spellbook of your own?"

Piper's eyes widened as did the other Charmed Ones. "The Book of Shadows! We completely forgot about it!"

"Orchid, Book of Shadows please. Oof!" Xander sighed in response when a giant leather-bound tome fell onto his lap, it had a triquetra symbol embossed on the front.

"There it is, and still in one piece too. Piper said taking the book off Xander's lap. "Thank you Xander."

"Don't thank me, thank Orchid."

"Thank you Orchid," Phoebe said on the behalf of the Charmed Ones.

"Yeah we owe you one." Paige added.

Orchid popped out of nowhere and nodded. "It was my pleasure Piper, Phoebe, and Paige Halliwell. Do let me know if I can be of any further assistance." Orchid then disappeared just as quickly as she arrived.

"I'm going to go put this in my room, when I get back, maybe we can watch a movie or something to kill time?" Piper offered.

"Long as it's not a chick flick," Dean called after her causing Piper to shake her head. Dean looked at Xander, "Seriously dude, I can't handle chick flicks there total snore fests."

Xander resisted the urge to roll his eye. "We'll see what's on before we decide Dean. Maybe check Netflix while we're at it."

Once Piper came back, Xander who had been in thought for awhile now, suggested something crazy. "How about instead of watching tv, we do something a bit… adventurous?"

"Like?" Piper asked.

"Well, I own a house that lets us all go anywhere, any when we want… has anybody ever wanted to see an actual fight in the Roman colosseum, or a Greek Play put on by real Greeks? Maybe a shakespearean play done by Shakespeare or whatever."

"Two of three of those ideas sound boring but the first one, hell yes!" Dean said.

"No one ask you meant head," Linda Tran told the hunter sharply. "As for this idea, isn't it dangerous? People from modern era being in past, we stick out like sore thumbs."

"I think Urd can help with that. Right Urd?" Xander asked.

The bronze-skinned silver haired goddess smiled. "I sure can sugar. Where would you like to go? I'm fond of Greece myself. They had good wine and the orgies were nice if you were in the mood for that kind of thing."

"Um, no thanks, but I'll keep it in mind," Xander told her.

Urd shrugged. "Your loss sugar. How about italy during the Renaissance era? Plenty good fun to be had there too."

Xander looked to the others who shrugged. "Sure what the hell?"

Urd snapped her fingers and everyone changed clothes in a matter of moments. Xander was garbed in all back with some leather armor throughout his apparel and a half cape going down his right side.

Sam had light brown apparel on making him look like a serf, while Dean was wearing full plate armor and had a sword on his back.

The Charmed ones were each wearing different colored long dresses. Pipers was black and trimmed in white, Phoebe's was green trimmed in yellow cloth, and Paige's was red trimmed in white.

Belldandy was wearing a blue dress trimmed in white, much like her traditional toga Xander had first seen her in.

Kevin was garbed in a priest's robe, which got a laugh out of everyone, while Urd herself was dressed as a courtesan, her dress was sinfully low cut, black, and cut up the side to show off her leg as she walked, with a bodice that only showed off her figure even more.

Rias too was dressed as a courtesan, but her dress was as red as her hair, with her bodice being as black as night.

Shantae by contrast had taken on a simple serving girl look, a nice green dress that didn't stand out too much when compared to the others.

Linda was dressed as a common worker class woman of the era, drab robes with a cloth bonnet on her head.

Kendra and Jessie were both dressed as a corsairs leather boots over white pants and a wide shirts, which had both sporting sabers at their waists.

And lastly was Castiel who looked like a pirate king he had the hat, billowing long coat, and somehow had a live parrot on his shoulder. "Bird, you shall not defecate on me, understood?"

"Paulie want a cracker?" The parrot replied.

"Ok, why is Dean in full plate? I thought it was outdated by the time of the Renaissance?" Xander asked.

"Not entirely Xander dear, It's true that the firearm had advanced sufficiently to the point of replacing the need for most heavily armed knights, some were still the tail end of the Renaissance." Urd told him.

"Your just jealous that I look awesome," Dean said.

"Yeah sure whatever Dean." Xander retorted. "And why is Cas a pirate, won't he stand out?"

"Piracy was a thing during the Renaissance era, it just wasn't the Golden Age of Piracy," Urd said "Now are we going to do this or not?"

"Will we be able to understand everyone and they us?" Xander asked.

Urd winked at him, "Don't worry sugar, I've got it handled."

Shrugging Xander headed towards the front door, saying, "Renaissance Italy please Orchid. Also make sure we're brought to the graveyard in time to do the ritual please. I don't care how you do it."

"Understood Xander," Orchid replied in her monotone.

With that said, Xander opened the door to the House of Mystery and stepped outside.

Xander found himself on a cobbled street, horses were passing by, and people were walking to an fro from stalls that were set up. People were hawking wares. The air smelt earthy and different than it did back home. 'Probably due to less pollution.' Xander thought to himself as he waited for the others.

Seeing Belldandy with her hair done up in a French Braid and in a nice blue dress Xander decided to play the gentlemen. He offered her his arm, "Might I have your company on a walk about this city milady?"

Belldandy giggled into her hand, "Why of course you may fine sir." Belldandy looped her hand with his, and they walked off.

Rias grinned while Shantae looked amazed at the Italian city, "He is quite smooth when he wants to be."

"Isn't he though… I hope he can help Bell get over Kenichi."

The demoness sent the goddess a look of confusion. "Who?"

Urd shook her head, "Never mind, it was… not exactly a while ago but still. Come, we should enjoy ourselves while we can. Would you mind escorting us poor fragile ladies Kevin dear?" Urd teased the prophet of God.

"Are you trying to get me lynched?" Kevin retorted. "A priest seen with what looks like two courteasans one on each arm in the year… what year is it anyway, and where are we?"

"It is 1503," Urd replied. "And we're in Rome."

"Yeah, sorry but I'm not taking your arm," Kevin told the goddess.

Urd and Rias pouted. "Fine, be that way Kevin-san," Rias said. She immediately latched onto Castiel saying, "You'll be a gentleman won't you Cas?"

"I am known to your ways woman, the mailman has taught me much… but yes, I shall escort you and Urd around town," Castiel replied allowing Rias to cling to his arm while Urd took the other showing the proper care and show as a gentlemen.

"This is why you no get girlfriend Kevin, and why I still no have grandchild to spoil!" Linda berated her son.

"Whatever you say mom," Kevin said rolling his eyes.

Shantae reached out and took Kevin's arm. "C'mon Kevin, let's catch up with Xander and Belldandy!"

"Woah, wait a sec Shantae!" Kevin said as he was dragged along by the Jinrei.

Linda watched as he son got dragged off. "She too much woman for him."

Dean looked to Piper, "Shall we?"

"Ah what the heck?" Piper took Dean's arm. "But just to be clear, this is not a date."

"Course not Firecracker, course not," Dean replied as the two walked off.

Sam looked to Paige and Phoebe. "So uh, shall we ladies?"

The two witches rolled their eyes and grabbed his arms and dragged him off.

Jesse shyly looked at Kendra who only smiled and looped her arm in with his and both walked slightly behind the rest to enjoy the sights.

Linda walked behind the couples alone, happy to see everyone else having fun. 'Who knows maybe I get lucky while I here too.'

Hours were spent going from stall to stall just walking around and looking at things, and buying the occasional trinket. Urd got gold florens from… somewhere. The men all stopped a smithy and got some weapons, Dean getting a couple of daggers for him and Sammy, Kevin getting a mace, as it was the only appropriate weapon for a priest to weild, and Xander had all the ladies outfitted with stilettos, and bodice daggers. One could never be too careful. Jesse and Kendra looked through plenty of weapons with Kendra taking an interest at a metal cestus while Jesse was thinking of some kind of short spear or shortsword.

Then Dean smelled it.

"I smell… pizza," Dean said, sniffing the air like a bloodhound picking up a scent.

"We had dinner before we left," Xander said, before his own stomach growled. "But we have been walking around a bit so a snack couldn't hurt, right?"

"Indeed," Belldandy agreed. The group followed Dean, who himself was following his nose, and came to a small building a man was making pizza in a brick oven and handing them out to customers. The toppings consisting of tomato, pepperoni, and cheese.

"Oh, yes…" Dean said, his mouth watering at the sight.

The glint of something caught Xander's eye across the street and he saw something, a couple somethings he just had to have. "I'll be right back. Dean you go order the pizza."

"On it One-Eyed Willie," Dean said shooting off a salute while the others got a table.

The food had just arrived at the table when Xander showed back up. "Yo."

"Dude, we almost started without you," Dean said, "What took so long?"

"Nothing major just saw some stuff I thought the girls might like," Xander held up a small pouch and started passing out jewelry.

A smooth white and black stone, polished until it gleamed attached to a choker by a leather chain was passed to Urd, "For my patron."

Urd smiled as she took the piece and clasped it around her throat, "I shall treasure it darling. Always."

Next came a ruby pendant cut in the shape of a heart. He handed it to Rias. "For the lady."

"Well, since I've already given you mine, this is certainly a good substitute fufufu!" Rias replied a playful gleam in her eye as she slipped the pendant around her neck where the jewel rested at valley of her bosom.

Then Xander pulled out an amethyst and silver hair clip in the shape of a bird. "Here you go Shantae."

Shantae was practically aglow with joy, "Thank you so much Master! I shall cherish it always."

Xander shook his head. "Seriously Shantae, stop with the master thing, but your welcome." He then he took out a pin in the form of a shield that was covered in brown agate and tossed it to Kendra. "Here you go Ken."

"I… thank you Alexander." The ex-slayer replied surprised he'd gotten her such a thing.

But the cyclops denied any credit. "Don't thank me, it was Jessie's idea."

Said whitelighter gave him a look in confusion but Xander only smiled in response, doubly so when Jessie received a kiss on the cheek from Kendra.

Xander reached back into his pouch, starting to feel like Santa during Christmas and came out with three similar looking pieces. Necklaces that were of silver make in the form of crosses and had red, green, and black stones set into them.

Xander passed one to each Charmed One, saying, "In case of vampire, unscrew the top and splash it with the holy water inside. Then run."

"Awe, your gift is so… practical," Phoebe said before adding, "And stylish."

Paige gave Xander a peck on the cheek. "Thank you Xander."

"Oh don't thank me, Sam and Dean helped in their own way."

"They never left the table," Piper replied, "Stop trying to help them score brownie points with us."

The Constantine shook his head, "No what I mean is, I had a conversation with Sam on the way back to the house, my vamps and demons are different from his. But just because that's a thing doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared."

"Thank you boys," The Charmed Ones intoned as one.

"And last but certainly not least Bell," Xander as he pulled out a golden, bell shaped locket. "Here you go."

"It's beautiful Alexander, thank you," Belldandy turned around and pulled her hair up, revealing her neck to him before looking back at him, "Put it on me, will you?"

"I'll do my best, shitty depth perception you know?" Xander said with a laugh as he did his damndest to clasp the necklace on Belldandy's neck. It took him three tries, but he finally managed it. He smiled triumphantly, "Ha, got it!"

Belldandy held the locket gently in her hand for a moment, smiling, "Thank you Alexander. This means so much to me."

"No problem Bell, anytime," Xander replied.

Suddenly the area around them shifted and blurred and they found themselves back within the living room of the House of Mystery once again.

"I'm guessing it's time we head to the graveyard?" Xander said aloud.

"Correct Alexander," Orchid said from his left.

"Thanks for the pick up Orchid, but next time, give me a watch with a timer on it or something. Just disappearing all of this sudden like that was… jarring?" He asked his companions.

"Something like that yeah, and what about the rest of my pizza?" Dean complained. The pizza appeared on the coffee table in response. Prompting Dean to say, "I withdraw my previous complaint."

Xander rubbed his hands together. "Right, candles please Orchid, also clothing change so we don't look like we've just come from a renaissance fair if possible?"

"I'll handle the clothes Xander darling, you just focus on mentally preparing yourself for the ritual," Urd told the sorcerer. Before she snapped her fingers putting everyone in their usual attire. She grimaced biting her lower lip as she looked at Xander in concern. "Are you sure about this sugar?"

The Carpenter/00/Sorcerer nodded, looking resolute. "I'm doing this Urd, even if it hurts."

"Your an amazing man Alexander Lavelle Constantine," Urd complimented. "I'm glad my sister has you in her life."

Xander picked up the black candles, and the Necronomicon, that had found its way downstairs somehow as he smiled. "Thanks. Everyone ready for this?" He received a round of nods in response, prompting Xander to crack his neck. "Then let's do this."

The air was chilly yet still, something xander was thankful for as he lit the candles around Prudence Halliwell's grave. With the Charmed Ones, two hunters, a prophet, and two Whitelighters also standing by each and everyone praying for a miracle.

Out of curiosity, Xander flipped through the Necronomicon, seeing if it had any means of reviving the dead. It did, but they were far from pleasant and took too much time to set up. So, he went with the method he knew. The Sacrifice of Osiris. Once the nearby church bells started tolling midnight, Xander started chanting.

"Osiris, keeper of the gate, master of all fate, hear us!

Before time and after, before knowing and nothing

Accept our offering, know our prayer.

Osiris, here lies the warrior of the people,

Let her cross over.

Osiris, let her cross over

Release her!"

At first nothing happened, then, Xander gripped his stomach and screamed in pain and tore at his shirt, ripping it off to reveal something was pressing up against his stomach… from the inside. Not only that, but it was making its way up his esophagus.

"Jesus Christ!" Dean swore as Xander vomited up a hooded King Cobra, then another.

"Damn it Dean!" Rias swore at him as she got another headache. Although Rias was more worried about her betrothed.

The Hunter shook his head. "Sorry, I'm sorry! Just damn…"

But the show wasn't over, as the cobra's slithered away with a hiss, Xander was struck by lightning… twice, and then, his back was torn open four times as if he were struck by a lash.

"Did you get your licks yet, you son of a bitch!" Xander yelled at the Egyptian God of resurrection.

Then, as if in answer, a voice boomed out in the still of the night. "Why have you called me forth, Constantine?"

"Because I thought you'd like a spot of tea… why do you think I summoned you? I wanna resurrect someone you idiot, and I hear you're the guy to call on for that sorta thing." Xander was in no mood to be civil, he was having a shitty time right now.

"Prudence Halliwell, yes?" The booming, echoing candescence questioned.

"No, Marry fucking Popins, yes Prudence Halliwell!" Xander had just vomited snakes, been struck by lightning twice, and had his back torn open by an invisible whip. He really wish this guy would get a clue.

"Alright fine, no need to be a dick about it… for the record, you could've done this yourself you know. It is done." The voice sounded wounded and petulant. It was weird, hearing such a booming voice sounding all sulky and hurt like that...

"Wait, what the heck do you mean I could've done it my… he's gone isn't he?" Xander asked.

Belldandy nodded, "He is, we should probably step back."

Why? Xander began to ask only for the ground beneath the grave to split open, and a dirt covered hand to reach out from within the grave.

"Oh, that's why," Xander reached down and hauled the dirt and debris covered Prudence Halliwell from her own grave. He smiled at her. His vision started to blur. 'I guess getting stuck by lighting and then getting stuck in the back took more outta me then I thought.' Xander managed to smile at the newly revived Charmed One and say, "Welcome back Prudence."

"Call me, call me Prue." The woman replied, coughing up dirt.

That was the last thing Xander heard before everything went dark.

Word Count: 28,700 Number of Pages: 72 Date Completed: 12/30/2019

AN: Hello one and all and welcome to the long awaited return of The Laughing Scooby! I'm back with a vengeance with my new beta IcySnowSage, aka Snowy by my side, everyone, give the man a clap, and a half for giving me inspiration to continue this fic after so long. And now a few words from Snowy himself. Take it away Snowy!

I am alive mother fuckers. Okay this is hands down my favorite fanfic and I wanted to say this will have all of my effort put into it. Xander harris here will experience some heaven and hell in and outside the bedroom. Now the only thing you have to watch for is things that go bump in the night. Speaking of night to keep the lights on I decided to get a sponsor for this story. Say your thanks to Sammy's Canadian Pizzaria for sponsoring this chapter fellas.

In closing this will be our last chapter before the turn of the decade… damn is it really already 2020. Gimme one more year and we'll be living in the Sealab 2021 era… yet we have no bases under the sea… to my knowledge anyway. Till next time everyone, this has been a Bubbajack and IcySnowSage Production. Peace! And have a Happy New Year!