Just a funny fanfic about the Marauders sending howlers.
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It was a bright, happy, sunny morning at Hogwarts. The birds were singing, butterflies swooping through the air, flowers-
"PROFESSOR SNAPE'S GOT A HOWLER!"
Indeed, this was true. The barn owl had dropped the howler in his lap and had already begun to smoke. Harry briefly wondered who would send him one. BANG! The letter exploded open.
"WHAT THE FUCK, SNIVILLUS!" Harry hadn't expected his father's voice to be coming out. "YOU ALWAYS SAID I WAS A BULLY AND THEN YOU GO AND BULLY MY SON? NOT BLOODY OKAY! OW!" James seemed to be shoved aside and Sirius' voice took over. "I KNEW YOU WERE A GREASY-HAIRED GIT! LEAVE MY GODSON ALONE! LOOK AT THAT MOONY, YOU ALWAYS TOLD US TO LEAVE THE PRAT ALONE AND NOW-" Sirius' voice, too, left and Remus' entered. "I'm terribly sorry, Severus, lord knows how they even found out, hey are you lot stalking Harry? James, you know that's not very- bloody hell!" Lily's voice echoed through the hall. Harry wanted to disappear on the spot, and he could tell Snape felt the same way, especially when Lily began talking.
"SEVERUS SNAPE! HOW DARE YOU BOTHER MY LITTLE BOY! HAVE YOU NOT TORMENTED ME ENOUGH? WHY UPSET MY SON? AND STILL, HE IS TOO GOOD TO YOU! HE HASN'T SAID A THING! IF MOLLY HADN'T TOLD ME, HE WOULD HAVE PUT UP WITH IT! LEAVE HIM ALONE, SEVERUS! DID OUR FRIENDSHIP MEAN SO LITTLE THAT YOU SAW FIT TO BULLY MY CHILD? AND IF THAT IS THE CASE, THEN LET ME BE CLEAR."
She took a deep breath. She was no longer shouting, her voice simply a deadly whisper. "I warn you. If I hear from anybody, or in anyway, that you are being rude to my son, you know what? If I even find out you take points from my son, give him detention, or torment him, I don't care if he deserves it," she somehow had managed to know when Snape would protest. "You will give him a free reign. And if you don't heed this warning, then I will hunt you down. That is the Mudblood's promise to you. Good day, Severus."
They heard Lily's footsteps as she left the room. The whole hall was silent. "Bloody hell," said Sirius. "Your wife has gone mad, Prongs." "Yeah," said James. They obviously didn't realize that the howler was still recording. "Never thought I'd see the day she'd shout at old Snivilly. Guess he pushed the last button." There was a sigh. "I'm bored." Said Sirius. "Same," said James. "Moony," they said together. "What now?" "Go to hell, James. I think your wife has finally killed me." "You'll be fine. However, this is why I will never marry. James married for all of us." "Padfoot," James groaned. "I'm not kidding. Lily fulfills all the wifely duties such as cooking cleaning, laundry, female companion, that softness none of you ungrateful arses give me," Remus snorted. "What was your last birthday present, chopped liver?" Sirius ignored him and continued talking. "The only thing she doesn't give is sex, and how hard is it to go find a chick, fuck her in the bar? Zero effort!" The eyes of the first and second years except for Harry, who was used to this, widened the size of gaellons. "So, I am in no need of a wife." "Shit," said James. "The things still recording. How in the bloody world do you turn the damn thing off?" at this point some of the more innocent first years were hyperventilating, having heard more curse words in ten minutes then their entire lives. "Give it to me. Mother having sent me millions of howlers when I got sorted into Gryffindor. Wait do we keep it or send it?" "Keep it, obviously. The thing recorded a full blown conversation. Do you want all of Hogwarts hearing it?" said James. "No, but Lily's message. Do we risk a conversation or Lily's wrath?" "Conversation," said all three Marauders. "So, uh, I dunno, bye?" said James. They heard somebody whack his head. "Honestly, how stupid are you? Again very sorry, Severus, but Harry's got lots of Guardians since he's the child of all the Marauders. I'd advise everyone to leave him be, or at least make sure none of us fine out." The howler shredded itself onto Snape's coffee. Fifteen minutes later the noise level was at it's usual and Ron said, "Your mum is so badass!"